• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf



A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Pie Ponies

PIE PONIES



Like most things the universe does, it likes to screw with everything. Whether it be our lives, health, mental stability, or just all around lives, it likes to mess with it. The same goes for when a human enters our physical plane and turns into a pony. On the rare and usually very uncommon chance a human does not always turn into a pony. And so for all of those humans out there who are in fact reading this, please know that we have not forgotten you. In fact this whole section of the guide will be dedicated to you and your existence. Because you are Pie pony.

Before we move on, you might be asking yourself, "What is a Pie Pony? And why do you call them that?" Well that is a very good question. The most popular theory as to how pie ponies got their name was because the first "non-pony" had a pie with her when she came to our land. Others believe it is because if you put all the different kinds of human-pony-things on a pie chart then you might explode, because lets face it, who likes pie charts and math anyway? But with that aside, if you do place the many different kinds of human-pony-things on a pie chart then you get a whole mixture of different kinds of ponies, which is the government's reason for the name. Though most like the idea with the first Pie Pony with the pie more.

Pie ponies come in all different kinds of flavors (no pun intended) and by this we mean humans have come here in a variety of different shapes, sizes, and races. For instance, it is believed a human was transformed into a tortoise, though the magical scientific community disbelieves this theory, but they don't think it is improbable after all we live in a world filled with magic, monsters, and a whole lot of freaky stuff.

Here is a list of the many different Pie ponies you could be. Please note that if you are in fact not a pie pony keep reading, because this is a guide for you, and if you don't read it all you will fail at life here. So for your own well being and for the sake of all that is sugar and spice and everything nice please don't be a dumb pony. Read on.

Rule 17: Pie ponies are mysterious, tasty, and overall delicious. So if you are a Pie Pony stay away from Parasprites, they will eat you.

Pie Ponies 101

1. Zebras: These are the most common races humans have turned into, next to ponies of course. Though some rare "Pegasus Zebras" have been found as well, though the likelihood of you being one is about 3.141592653589 to 1,000,000. And believe it or not that is very rare, but if you are by some odd chance a Zebra or Pegasus Zebra, please don't use the odd voodoo dolls on me, and if so please use them to help me.

2. Donkeys: Like Zebras they are rare, in fact all of these races are rare for humans to turn into. Though most donkey-humans hide in the shadows and eat other ponies lawns. Why? We are not sure, not enough human-donkeys are found to understand the odd nature of such majestic and troublesome creatures... who are the donkey-humans.

3. Dragons: Three humans have been reported by the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. and to our surprise they allowed adventurers to gather information about them. What they told us was that if you preheat a pony at 10,000 degrees it will turn to ash. This of course was not the best information, but we do know after that experience that dragon-humans like to be left alone... oh and bring an extra pair of clothes if you wear them because you will soil them.

4.Diamond Dogs: Two humans have been found that are Diamond dogs. Though they are a rough, and rather stupid species the humans we found were rather intelligent and decent while information was gathered on them. For example the Diamond Dog Echo discussed with us how is life was before, and how he traveled and such. This lead to many of us giving him a hug, because we all need a hug every now and again. In fact let us stop for a moment for a hug break ...................................................................................... Okay that is enough hugging for now.

5. Cows: There aren't very many of dem don'tcha know?

6. Changelings: Though a troublesome and curious breed these creatures are not only very rare to find, but they are equally as hard to tell apart from the rest of the other ponies in the world. The reason this is so is because they can change into any pony they see fit, as a result they either change into a normal personal pony form or into another pony. Hence the name Changeling. This has made it difficult to track down changelings, and the fact they are expert ninja ponies... and snake eaters.

7. Fine let's get this over with.... Alicorns: The universe just screwed up your new life, as one human put it while in an interview, "U mad bro?" Though we're not sure why a big U means you, can humans spell where they come from? As for advice we can't really help you seeing as your kind are outlawed throughout Equestria. (Sort of... not really... actually yes.)

8. Rectangle Ponies: There is only one Rectangle Pony in all of existence... well there was. He was found in a room with many different circles around him. The theory behind his death is that he tried to be a circle. Please don't be like him, don't try and be a circle.

9. Sea Ponies: Though these ponies are in fact rare, there have been sightings and some proof to back up the idea that humans have become Sea Ponies. In fact the pony Lyra who we have mentioned earlier did experiments on herself to become a Sweet Roll. The trials failed and resulted in her becoming a Sea Pony, though after weeks of eating nothing but fish she finally became normal again. In the time she was a Sea Pony we studied her, but the one thing she said before we finished was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

10. Creatures: From Manticores to Rainicorns, and sea monsters just about all of these are things that have been seen and confirmed to be human. At least at one point. Like Godzirra, a human monster who gave himself that name, oddly he had a unnatural urge to destroy major coastal cities.


Now that we have covered what all you could be, (minus a pony) we will move on to how to live as these creatures. Though most of the time these human-things live outside of cities or populated areas because of their new and more brutal form. In a way it's extremely sad, to be alone. Yes, but as a human once said and we will say it again, "It really must suck to be you."

That aside, we don't mean to offend, just to make fun of you in a- never mind. So please don't take it to heart, because taking that kind of stuff to heart can cause heart disease like cancer, and heart failure.

As for your life, we are about to get to that. Seeing as Equestria is so big means there are places that like to have monsters, or non-ponies around. And then there are those places, like coastal cities, that don't like to have monsters around. If you are a monster like Godzirra then please don't go into heavily populated areas, even if it is for some milk.

To show you what we mean and to expand on the fact that most non-ponies that are monsters are rejected from society we'll give you a brief history story as to why ponies don't like monsters-human-ponies-things.

History 8: A little after the events of Timothy's arrival the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. decided to test theories about whether a pony could become a chicken. One test was conducted and, despite the government's cover-ups, they made one successful chicken-pony. Though it escaped and was never found again. (And they quit trying to find it.) But afterwards Timothy and Lyra had the amazing idea to become sweet rolls (But instead they became sea ponies). Though rare and almost unheard of they said this, "What could go wrong? All we're going to do is take us apart, put some science stuff in us and POOF! Good as new." Though the harsh and rather odd reality is that they did just that and it did in fact make them sea ponies.

During their long and rather slippery Sea pony state they came up with the idea that they could become anything. Driven by this belief several ponies were tested on. Some were turned into tacos, some sponges, but others became large monsters which rampaged across cities. As a result they changed the monster-ponies back, and test this on humans instead. This is why pony-monsters/human-things are not generally accepted into society. That and somepony stepped on the Taco-pony.


Now to live your new life in society as an outcast. (But it is okay because being different is good! Unless you're stupid, then it's not.) Though you must follow this one, and very important rule. Because so many humans, and normal ponies for that matter have been lost because of them. These evil, soulless, and completely adorable creatures... Kittens. They may seem cutesy and wootsy but they are anything but.


Rule 18: Avoid Kittens, they are your friends, and enemies. But just to be sure, keep away.


With that out of the way, we can continue back on topic.

Though society can be cruel and evil doesn't mean there isn't a place for you! To show you what we mean we'll list the many jobs Pie ponies, such as yourself, can have in our proud land.

(For those more common ponies.)

1. For Zebras: Witch doctor, Evil enchantress/enchanter, local potion maker, poison maker, and anything that may seem or is even remotely creepy or odd.

2. For Donkeys: Most simple odd jobs, wagon puller, hair groomer, maker of sweet rolls, and the cranky one of the village. (All that job requires is that you stayed pissed at everypony everyday whether you are or not. Most humans like this a whole lot because it is easy.)

3. For Griffins: Official stealer of items, bodyguard, personal secret agent, stealer of sweet rolls, builder, and weather guard.

(Those more wild and monstrous Pie Ponies.)

1. For Dragons: Defender of cupcakes, defender of villages, protector of nature, protector of your own stuff, lord of a province or kingdom.

1.5. For Evil mutant ponies: You are evil, you should feel bad. You took my sweet roll, and I want it back.

2. For Diamond Dogs: Traveler, bard (No singing though only music playing. We all don’t want to die now do we?), gemfinder, heavy lifter, digger, and many more! (In some parts of Equestria Diamond Dogs are welcomed and honored as they come into villages. The reason this is because they need dogs that can look for Diamonds, and as you humans say, "You fit the bill."

3. For Changelings: Every other job a normal pony can have. Unless you're a robot, then you can't get those jobs... then again, they don't know that so go for it.

(Now for those more rare, and ponies who may not exist and who may not be reading this guide. In a way this entirely defeats the purpose, but then again we don't really care.)

1. For Sea Ponies: Entertainer, official Sea pony of the amusement park, Sushi maker, sushi (you probably aren't having a very good day if you end up as sushi), fisher pony, lifeguard, marine pony biologist, and other stuff that involves water and that sort of thing.

2. For Rectangle Ponies: Being a square, and to be quite honest not much beyond that. Maybe you can be a microphone, we're not sure but just don't be a circle.

3. For Cows: A Dairy Cow, a cow that makes cheese, and afterwards you can throw said cheese at evil aquatic aliens that wish to harm your world. Be a roadblock and tell travelers that you won't move till you get money. (Most humans find enjoyment out of this, or at least the few cows there are.)

4. For Alicorns: In some odd way you can become the leader of another neighboring kingdom. Though you will have to strive to become king/queen/prince/princess/president/prime minister/ dictator/ supreme overlord/dark lord/ archmage/ führer/ thing. Though your best bet is to stay hidden.


Now that we have some of the more basic jobs and what not out of the way, we'll go into a more pleasurable topic. Finding a home.

As stated before some places accept Pie Ponies with open hooves, and others not so much. Since this is the case it is best to teach you where you are most welcome and where you are not. But be wary, the universe has ways of turning heaven on Equestria into a living hell. On top of this, most ponies dislike you to begin with. Not to mention the Pie Ponies are mainly looked down upon... no pressure right?

So to help you with your search for a new home here is a rule you can follow, and please, we mean you to really follow this one because it's important.



Rule 19: Choose your home wisely and not like a stupid sentient being.


To help you make your decision as to where to go to make your home. And as such we have made a list of cities that are accepting of your kind. As for you normal ponies who are reading this. (Which is about 99% of you, please keep reading, because it is a fact that those who don't read every now and again become... unsmart... by that we mean stupid, and you don't want to be a stupid pony.)


Cities and places like that.


Now on to the place where a Pie Pony, like yourself, can live. Though be cautious no place is perfect, every home has it's perks and it's "oh my sweet dear Celestia this is the single worst place ever and I can't believe I had the nuts to come here am I crazy?" things.

But please note that not only will ponies shun you, they might hate you because... their are jerks. Though this isn't the case in most cities. Most ponies are forgiving and kind, and then there are the occasional few who will round up an angry mob at your doorstep because you, like a stupid pony, took somepony sweet roll.

Below is a list of cities most Pie Ponies find homey and comfortable, and the ones with the less angry mobs. (Not angry mobs apply to Pie ponies who are Dragons, Changelings, or otherwise giant or monstrous creatures. If you are not any of these then you are fine, unless you wronged somepony. Then in that case you deserve to be put in the corner for five minutes.)

1. Fillydelphia. (This city is popular amongst Pie Ponies. Work is plentiful, the mares, or other pony-creature-things are nice too, and the food is nice. But if you are a horrible beast then stay away, because they have orbital defences in case of monsters.)

2. Manehattan. (Like Fillydelphia holds a very homey progressive feel to it. It is the home of pony industry and technology in Equestria, next to Canterlot of course. For this reason, Pie Ponies and regular ponies alike move to this city in search of science, wealth, and sandviches.)

3. Canterlot. (It is a city of magic, snooty ponies, and cake. Though be alert the cake might not be true. But the cake has everything to do with life, if there is no cake then there is no life. See our reasoning? No? Well that's understandable.)

4. Coltshire. (The Earth pony capital and main source of vegetable, and fruit produce. This is an ideal place for Pie ponies who want a simple calm life. Most ponies here aren't prejudice to other races, and as such won't mind you at all. Oh, and if you see my family tell them I am okay, for the most part anyway.)

5. New Manechester. (Old Manechester was destroyed by monsters... as such stay away, but hey they have good cheese there and are always looking for cows to help.)

What you just read above was the perks, and some cons of the few cities Pie Ponies like the most. Though many other cities are accepting of your kind it is best for you to find (or choose) which place you might be happiest in. And let us say the options are endless! Not really there are, like, what? A hundred cities. So it's more like the options are about one hundred, but it doesn't sound as cool as endless.


Like most things you need to eat, and with a large variety of you Pie Ponies it isn't easy to just eat anything. For example, a Dragon eats meat, meat=ponies, ponies eaten=death, death=no fun. Whereas ponies eat fruit, flowers, and hay. The difference of your diet may lead to some complications with your new home and way of life in general. As such it is best to educate yourself with what you can and cannot eat.

As stated above there are different kinds of Pony-monster-things that eat different things. There are Omnivores, Carnivores, and Herbivores. Omnivores eat both plants, fruit, and meat. So if you are a Omnivore then you can eat just about anything. Herbivores eat only fruit and vegetables, most ponies are Herbivores and as such can only eat a select few things. Carnivores can eat meat, and only meat. Why? Because they are giant monsters and if they want to eat meat then they can.

Now for a quick, and rather sad tale of a stupid pony that ate meat.

Story: Once apon a time, in the magical land of Equestria there lived a pony named Sheila. One day a pony in blue armor who was not the brightest of ponies wanted to give Sheila a muffin. Sheila did not want a muffin and wanted to eat bacon instead. Caboo- I mean the blue armored pony said, "but Sheila, I made this muffin just for you!" But she refused it and started to have an epic meal time with the bacon. The rich salty pieces of pork tasted nice for a moment, but then the bacon started to make her sick. Then, she died. The blue armored pony was not happy that Sheila was dead so he went on a quest to get her back. After his quest she came back to life, and they ate muffins merrily for the rest of their days. The End.

The morale of the story, bacon can kill a pony. Don't be stupid, don't eat bacon.

Below are the many things one can eat as a Carnivore, Omnivore, and Herbivore. (Please note that there is about a trillion different things to eat and it is because of this we will only list the basics.)

Omnivores: They can eat everything, from fruit, to meat. They can eat it all, in fact listing everything you could eat is almost pointless here because there is so much you can feast on. The only Pie Ponies that can eat both kinds food are Changelings. Oh and they can eat sweet rolls.

Herbivores: Just about all Pie Ponies, minus Dragons and Diamond Dogs are Herbivores. Plus we have already covered that you can only eat fruit and vegetables. If you are unaware of what either are, then you are in fact a... thing. I'll find another word for that later, but I'm sure there is one! Oh and they can eat sweet rolls.

Carnivores: You eat meat. Anything with blood, guts, and red or pink flesh can be eaten. Dragons and Diamond Dogs have this as their preferred diet, though they can eat fruit and fruit alone in some cases. Plus they can eat sweet rolls.

Gem Eaters: You can eat rubies, sapphires, rock candy, emeralds, diamonds, and anything that was created via pressure and hundreds of years of chemical bonding. (Please note: As odd as it sound there are creatures that can eat gems, for instance gems are looked at as a delicacy by dragons. Oh, and diamond dogs are quite fond of them as well.)

(We are not responsible for those stupid ponies who read this and try meat. On the off chance you do, you are stupid, please don't be and eat a piece of cake instead. It tastes nice, and it won't kill you... yet. So be happy, cause if you are the good Pie/normal pony we think you to be then you won't be stupid. Thank you.)


Now trust us when we say Pie ponies can live happy, and otherwise normal lives. As long as you don't destroy coastal cities, eat the right foods, and not take others sweet rolls you should be fine. There are some Pie Ponies who have lived long, and fulfilling lives, and even if they are simple they lived happy.

So as an order by her majesty herself, "Find happiness, wherever you can. Life is filled with joy, and joy can be given to all in our land." (I teared a bit at these words, not just that but I got to go outside the castle for two hours.)

But as most things in this world end so does this chapter. Though you may dry your teary eyes because there is another chapter. So rather than moan and cry, rejoice! Because there will be more. And with that I would like to say,


So long, and thanks for all the ponies... again.


Proofread by:

Noakwolf

wayofthepen

SlinkySalamander

StringTheory

Spark of Inspiration

LyonAzakura


(AN: Okay first off I would like to say I had both asdf movie on the brain and Skyrim. To be honest I can’t tell if this was more random than the others, oh well. I had fun writing this, and though it was kind of hard writing this I did have fun. But as always, did you like this chapter? Leave a comment or a like if you enjoyed it, reeeeally loved it? Fav for more, and you will receive. Thanks for reading!)

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