• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf



A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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A new start, and a new you.

A NEW START, AND A NEW YOU.



"When life gives you lemons, keep them, because hey, it's free lemons."



This is by far one of the most inspirational things you will hear here in this land. And with all of the magic, monsters, and mystery out there, that is saying quite a lot. So, just so we can get this out of the way, we will cut to the chase with my personal favorite rule, which is shown below:


Rule 23: If anypony, and we mean anypony, gives you something for free, keep it, because, who doesn't want free things? Unless it's a Panpona's Box. Then, by all means, dig a hole, put it in the hole, build a house over said hole, dig it up again and... put that box into another box, then ship that box to yourself and smash it with a hammer. Nothing too tough to do, right?



But with that aside, it is time to cover what this section of the guide is about. Though you have gone through trial and error, mostly error, and even though you have faced an evil trolling universe and evil bail lemons, you still hold a place in this world. With the knowledge you have acquired from this guide and your own experiences, you have learned to live your life here.

Though this section will not only re-cap what you've done it will also cover something important. The meaning of your existence, and Death itself. Because even though you live in a magical realm of talking ponies and freaky things doesn't mean things don’t die. Because that is the circle of life, and it moves us all.

The first thing we want you to do however, is to take a good look at yourself. Think of how far you've come from a humble stupid human-pony to a semi good human-pony. Hug yourself because you have done a good job, and now that warm feeling in your chest. Yes the warmness that caresses your very soul, well that we can honestly say is heartburn. Because the real feeling of pride feels a lot like you had your head smashed, reanimated, put inside dry ice for 1000 years, unfrozen and fed to a diamond dog. But only a few select ponies feel that kind of pride, most of which are human. We believe this to be a side effect of your passing from your world to ours. But another popular theory is that the universe screwed with you mind because... well, because it can.

It is also good to keep in mind that, not only have you come this far, but your impact on the world will be there forever. By this, we really do mean that when you crossed over, you left a small dimensional rip where you entered. And the freaky noises coming from said rift are rather freaky. That, and the small time you've been here you have become a symbol of hope, or something like that because, why not? Your old life probably consisted of trenches and fighting, but that's what we've gathered from other humans like yourself. Though whether or not these things are true is another matter on its own, and for this particular writer, well I simply do not care.

Now, you might ask yourself, "Isn't it true that, when I die here, I go to Earth again?" In a matter of speaking, yes. Well we like to think that you do. No pony has- well as you humans say it, no one has come back to tell us if that is the case. But the popular theory is that yes, you go to hell- we mean Earth.


Death, it's an interesting concept. One that this guide won't fully cover in detail, but we will cover the basics of this mystical thing we call Death. Death, in a sense, is the universes best way to troll you, because of this it has made us as mortals fragile to everything. That is except those,(and we use the term loosely) lucky few... the Alicorns.

However you would be shocked to know that you are not the only creature from another world to have died and come here. In fact every 1,000 years or so, a new race comes to our land. But only one. But with time this race has disappeared into the unknown, speaking of which Alicorns didn't seem to be around until 1,000 years ago... that is absurd forget that, and instead look at a picture of a small kitten, we're sure the cuteness will cleanse your mind of the thought.

As we were saying earlier, Death can come to you at any given moment, from just about anything. Here are a few ways one can die. Please Note: The ways to die in Equestria are odd, so very much so that one cannot comprehend the weirdness. Please do not try any of these at home, if you do tell us and we'll put "Stupid" on your grave for not following the rules. Thank you.

1. Death by pudding.

2. Death by Death.

3. Death by door.

4. Death by meteor.

5. Death by cuteness.

6. Death by Muffin.

7. Death by Guide.

8. Death by flying tornado house.

9. Death by Poetry.

10. Death... by butter.

etcetera.... and so on...

These, believe it or not are common, or real ways ponies have died. How they managed to die by some of these things is a puzzle on it's own, but hey, you can look at it like a different way. But instead of saying something here's a rule detailing what this guide has to say about death.


Rule 24: If it exists theres death for that. No exceptions... well almost.



And since everything eventually dies this means that even those pesky immortals will go to the great pony pillow fortress in the sky. But before planning such a trip one must make sure you book reservations before going to the pillow fortress. Wait, you thought we were talking about... no silly human there is a real pillow fortress in the sky, and the water slides are the best. That is a positive and undeniable fact.

But since death is not in everyponies best interest, let's move over to the section which will now recap your life so far.


Life, as this guide has mentioned, is hard. Very hard, in fact if you were to compare life with a rock and a hard place, life would win at being the hardest amongst the three. Even though life here is easier, it still holds a certain hardness to it and you know this from first hoof experience just how hard life can be.

Whether it was finding a mate, making friends, or dealing with forces far beyond our understanding, you somehow managed to come out of the hard fire of life triumphant. Though sometimes your struggles can seem at times pointless this does not mean you haven't learned anything. To put this simply, "You’ve learned from your mistakes." Like for instance, you learned that when you died on Earth that you died, and you probably won't be doing whatever it was you were doing ever again that got you killed.

But that was on Earth, this is Equestria. So enough about that hellish world you came from, it's time we go into what you've learned. Because without recapping, you probably won't remember all the things this guide taught you. The mostly likely reason for this is because in Ponyville they're having a muffin fight, and you don't want to sit here and read this.

So to make sure you get out there and chunk pieces of baked goods at ponies well will sum up the basics of what you learned while reading this guide.

BASIC LIFE:

1. Ponies don't eat meat, and hay bacon is not considered meat.

2. You are a pony, whether or not you like this, it‘s not your choice. (You might be a Pie pony, but that is unlikely.)

3. You have a second chance at life! These means one of two things: One, you are overjoyed. Two, you hate life and question why you are here.

LOVE AND FRIENDS:

1. Mating is a delicate and wonderful thing. Plus if you try to mate like a cave-pony you will get beat up because that... that is stupid.

2. Finding a mate is one of the most interesting sports in the world, but making friends is also nice.

3. Friends always have your back, unless there are zombies, then they'll trip you.

OTHER PONIES AND JOBS:

1. There are not only ponies in this world griffins, monsters, sea ponies, and other such freaky things live everywhere and you could be one of them. In that case no offence if we called you freaky, unless you plan to find me and save me out of pure rage. Then by all means save me. (Even if this makes no sense.)

2. You have a cutie mark, this will help you learn your special talent and with some luck, find you a good job.

3. You have found a job that fits you special talent and now have a roof over your head. But be aware, things could fall from the sky and through your roof at anytime.

(Due to ink issues no color for this title will be provided, that and the colors that were left would cause your brain to explode. That is all, thank you.)HISTORY AND PLACES:

1. You not only learned some of Equestria's greatest moments in history, you have learned what not to do because of those lessons.

2. Equestria is big, and with this being said let's just assume there are too many places to go in one lifetime. But being the curious little pony you are, you'll probably ignore that and go off on an adventure, in which case you'll need a towel.

3. The history of Equestria is an odd thing, but then again it's a crazy world and you've learned this quite well. I would advise you go home and ponder why the world is the way it is. This way, you have something to do while you wait for everything to stop being... well, weird.

OTHER THINGS TO RECONSIDER:

1. One thing to remember is life, the universe, and everything. Also note we are all sofas deep down inside, which give you a warm fuzzy feeling. If you do have this feeling please make your way to the nearest hospital, because that might be the universe giving you feelings.

2. Lemons are bad, especially ones found in a medieval pit.

Just to put this out there, (which we should have done sooner) here is a quick rule about Lemons and what this guide has to say about them.


Rule 25: Lemons are made of evil. Stay away from them, then you too can smile because, as long as the lemons are around, life will suck.



This is generally the main thing you need to follow while living here. Please, my little ponies, follow this rule, because the fate of the entire world rests upon it. That or my freedom, which I can sense might end soon, though my hunches really do suck. Which probably means I'll be here longer than I think... bugger...


Life is a curious thing, all the time we watch it come and go at will. Everywhere you look, life is there, even if it is slightly disturbing, then if that's the case, stop looking at life before you get a headache. But as we said, it is a curious thing. Many questions like, "Why are we here?" and "What's my purpose in life?" those are great questions, unfortunately, we can't answer them. And this time, we can't really tell you whether or not there is a book, or guide for that matter about life.

We can however, teach you how to live it. Which throughout this guide we have done, and might we say it is one hell of a ride... life that is anyway.

As we have said before, everything, like life, must come to an end. Even this guide will end, and coincidently that time is now. So if you are asking yourself, "Is this really it? But I don't want to stop reading this pure genius piece of literature!" Unfortunately you'll have to stop. Because we have come to the end.

In this guide you remember well how you started off as a stupid human-pony who knew no more about this land then a pea knows it's a vegetable. But through trial, error, more trial, and some explosions, you have made it this far through life. You've come a long way, and now with the new knowledge you have gained from this guide you will no longer have to be forced to read this.

Ponies in this world have a saying, "You've got four legs, so don't just stand there. Get up, and do something with them!" Just don't flail them around, that would be weird. What this means though is now that you know how to live life, get up and start living. The world is yours and yours alone to explore and claim for your own. This is true for everypony, small, big, strong, weak, stupid, or pink, it doesn't matter, life was given to you. So use the life you have and be thankful you're here, for whatever reason the mischievous universe did this, it must have not thought you could actually become happy from this. Or maybe, the universe isn't so bad after all... just maybe.

So, with that we give you our last and final rule. Though we have said other rules are the most important doesn't mean we can't change that. Because this, without a doubt, is the single most important rule (yes this is the most important):


Rule 26: Enjoy life.


With that, we bid thee farewell. This is the final chapter of The Humans Guide to Life in Equestria. And, we... I mean I wish you a long and happy life.

So long, and thanks for all the escape items.


(P.S. Just please, don't panic.)


(Author’s Note: This guide was written for the pure enjoyment of writing. I, as the author, would have never expected this to have gotten the attention it did when I made the first chapter. This, believe it or not, is my first completed attempt at writing something from start to finish. Though I can assure you that, without the kind a loving support of the brony community and the many followers of the guide itself I would have never had the strength to do this on my own. So to you I say thank you, for everything. I hope that others in the future who come to this site look at this guide, and one day decide to pick up a pen or get on the keyboard and make their own story. But I talk too much, so once more I say thank you. To my proofreaders, to my readers, and to my friends, and the brony community. - Noakwolf)


Proofread for the final time by:

Noakwolf

LyonAzakura

iloveportalz0r













(More A.N. notes: The next chapter is a Q and A answer a few of the many questions I have got during the making of this guide. Along with that it also details the many things that inspired me/made me write story/guide not manual thing. Which is the bonus thing.)