• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Careers, settlement, and talents... and lemons...


Welcome to the next section of the Humans Guide to Life in Equestria! As you probably know, the events that brought you here have been nerve shockingly bad, or nerve shockingly good. You may take it as you wish, but you are, in fact, here. In this section of the guide we will cover Careers, talents, and settlement... and lemons... Now before we go into how to carve that little piece of Equestria for yourself you need to be told about one of the most important things... Which is lemons. If lemons apply to you, then the following rule is just what you need to hear, or read.

Rule 3: Bail Lemons will bail on you...

Now you might ask yourself, what are Bail lemons? And what do they have to do with my new life? These are very easily answered questions for, you see, it is a well known fact that the universe can inject a piece of itself into these lemons. We have had multiple humans say that they had a purple bag full of lemons on them whenever they awoke here in Equestria; these are Bail lemons.

History lesson 2: Long ago. During the time of flintponies, many ponies wondered how the universe worked. So like most creatures, they would take lemons and push them off cliffs with the belief that if it something could fall, it was the answer to life. What happened was that these flintponies used lemons as a source of both sacrifice, and entertainment. All day long they would push lemons off the sides of cliffs and watch them splat at the bottom. Now this continued until modern times, when Princess Celestia banned the practice of pushing the lemons off the sides of cliff's. At the bottom of a pit, cliff thing, was about a trillion lemons. One day a pony named Lemon Jello ran out of lemons to make, well... Jello. So she ventured down into the pit. Once there, she took the most fresh lemons and made jello. The universe was furious at the fact that its lemons were being turned into jello, and just like that the universe took all the lemons at the bottom of the pit. The next day when Lemon Jello returned to the pit where she was greeted by nothing... Yes, nothing... The universe had taken her lemons. She later received three golden lemons, the universe gave her these mystical lemons as a gift for the crime against jello it had committed. But as said in rule 1 of this guide, the universe hates you, but not totally. So the Bail Lemons were born.

What Bail Lemons do, is they grant wishes. If you were found with a bag of lemons, don't panic. If the guide has just asked you not to panic than the writer is lying to you, because you have every reason to panic. Remember rule 3? Well the reason that Bail Lemons are so evil is because they grant wishes, ironically this is the same reason you should panic. You see, in order for the lemons to grant you a wish, you need to give something of your own up in return. Whether it be a whale, a large headed robot, a normal British man, a fish, or a towel, it doesn't matter. Since this is the case, many have lost organs, and in some rare cases, their minds to the Bail lemons.

The reason they are called Bail Lemons are because they help you Bail on life. Now the name Bail lemon was given to the devilish fruit because human-ponies like yourself have had many encounters with them. What is odd, is that Lemon Jello was the only native pony to receive Bail Lemons. We think the most likely reason is because, and this guide quotes, "The universe hates you... But not totally". For example, here are some ways some humans have use Bail lemons to get what they want:

(Please note: All of these ponies are mostly safe, and yes they were human at one point in their life.)

1. A pony managed to obtain the mare of his dreams. (Lost: His mind.)

2. Came to Equestria. (Lost: His life in Equestria, which was an odd thing. This is by far the most odd, and terrible thing to happen yet.)

3. A fashion model got her wish at becoming a mane Modeler. (Lost: Her mane.)

4. This story is clouded with many different versions, but the most reasonable conclusion is he became a space pony-duck.

This is why you must follow the next rule:

Rule 4: DESTROY THE FREAKIN LEMONS, you don't need to panic though... maybe.

So, if you have a bag of lemons on you follow the rule above, and you should be fine.

Now that we have covered the infamous Bail lemons, we can move on to talents. Most humans like yourself don't possess a talent in any shape, form, or way. But, seeing as you are now a pony and are no longer a human means that you now have the ability to form a talent. What your talent is can vary how well you do in Equestrian society.

In order for us to progress through this guide we need to go over your special talent. Now, your special talent can be identified by a Cutie Mark. What is a Cutie Mark you ask? Well, a Cutie Mark is a symbol indicating ones special talent. This might seem strange to you but a Cutie Mark is located on both sides of ones flank. If you don't know what a flank is, then you’re more stupid then you already thought, and if that is the case you will not have a place in Equestria... Once again the guide is not lying, because the stupid ponies have a place in Equestria, just not all the time.

A Cutie Mark can be a variety of things, from a golden ring to the number 42. It doesn't matter, because all Cutie Marks are unique. This rule applies to those that don't have unique Cutie Marks, and in the words of a human, "then it sucks to be you."

Rule 5: All Cutie Marks are unique, except those who have the same one.

It is wise to note that this particular part of the guide will have many, many, more rules, so enjoy them.

When we found you here in Equestria we usually record a human-pony Cutie Mark when we pick them up, for none creepy reasons of course. Your Cutie Mark is (your Cutie Mark here).

Good, you have taken another large leap into becoming a true Equestrian! Know that you know what your cutie mark is means that you have a better understanding of what your good at. So before we move on we will go over the many different Cutie Marks that one can receive.

(Note, these are not all the Cutie Marks or paths one may take. Rather, it is just a small list of the millions of Cutie Marks out there.)

1. A hammer.(You build stuff, but can you fix it?)

2. A ring. (There is only one to rule them all.)

3. A towel. (This will be described at a later time.)

4. A male symbol. (We will go into sexuality later... and that part you wont want to miss.)

5. A Pipbuck. (What the heck is that?)

6. A compass rose. (Adventure, that is what your good at, you should feel good about yourself.)

7. A stick of butter. (The universe truly hates you, because it just said that being killed by butter is your special talent.)

8. A female symbol. (Look above at what was said about the male symbol.)

9. Bail lemons. (In the words of the human-pony, "Sucks to be you.")

10. A note, like the ones that involve music.

Now that you have a general understanding about Cutie Marks, we can move on to using your talent for the betterment of society... and possibly to save the wr- I mean to help other ponies. It is also strange that every time the words Cutie and Mark appear they are in the color pink. We believe this is so because somepony out there has messed with the transdimensional barrier. (We will discuss proper pony language later in this chapter of the guide, or maybe not.)

Congratulations! You are good at something. This means you’re now ready to get a job. Now, like on Earth you have to earn money to live, eat, and keep up the rent. But what does money in Equestria look like? And how much do I need to support myself? Money in Equestia is measured and spent like anything else in the world. The official currency of our proud society is Bits. Bits are like 1's and 2's and,(hey wait a moment, why are they numbers?) Because they decided it would be fun. Bits are tiny golden coins that represent 1’s. There are no Bits that are considered more than 1. So, this means that you need 5 Bits to buy something worth 5 Bits.

Here is an example of a formal exchange between a human-pony, and a sales-pony.

*Whistles down the street merrily*

"Hey! You!"

"What, me?"

"No, I mean the cat over there..."

"Oh, well okay then!"

*Whistles and continues trotting merrily*

"No! I meant you..."

"Oh, well what is it you want?"

"Wanna buy a watch?"

"A watch?"

"Yeah, a watch."

Its is important to note that this particular pony has read and received the Humans Guide to Life in Equestria. In this guide it clearly states that you should always hit those that sell watches. Because, like all slimy creatures, watch sales-ponies are crafty evil devils that will sell you fake watches.

What our human-pony does will save his life.

*Goes through his random saddle bag on his back, and pulls out, THE HUMANS GUIDE TO LIFE IN EQUESTRIA!*Thunder noise* *

"What the heck is tha-"

You see, before he could continue he was hit upside the head with the guide. It is also very important to note that this guide can be used as an effective weapon against creeps... and watch sales-ponies. Our hero then ran off with his guide, and all of the sales-pony's watches. This was probably the worst example, so we will give you a better one. If you ask for a apple at an apple cart, and the apple cart owner asks you for 3 bits. You give her 3 tiny golden coins. This is an example of a perfect exchange. So that small example above was not really needed, but on the bright side you now know that this guide is an effective weapon against creeps.

Managing your money is just as important, so it is very, very, very, very wise to deposit your earnings in a safe place. Preferably under a couch cushion or in a boot. Because that is the next rule in this guide.

Rule 6: Everything is safer in a boot, or under your hoof.

So now that we have the basics of financing, and what not, out of the way, lets go back to getting you a job.

As said before, in order for you to get a home and buy food you need a job that pays you money. Since you know what your talent is means that it is a lot more easier for you to understand what career is best for you. Whether its flying, building, winning, running, cleaning and refilling all of the trash cans with jelly, or helping others. Its best to note that once you choose a job you must always be happy with it. The reason this is so, is because there are many bosses out there that are complete and utter jerks, and they will stop at nothing to make your life a living hell. And by hell we mean that place you came from before you got here.

There are careers and fields for just about everything you can imagine. The great thing about the job system here in Equestria is that no real education is required for most jobs. This of course is not true in the fields of teaching, and training and so on and so forth.

Here is a brief list of jobs that are popular with human-ponies.

(These jobs are not in order from most popular to least popular.)

1. Trash pony. (Guess what they do.)

2. Royal Guard. (This is one of the more mentally challenging jobs to ever exist. So before picking this career up just remember that you will be doing a whole lot of nothing.)

3. Official giver of fish to the aquatic mammals. (This is a very important job and we will explain why later.)

4. Monster hunter. (You must have good insurance to back you up in this field of work. Seeing as there is no real insurance companies, means you might need to be extra careful.)

5. A cashier at Sugar Cube Corner. (This is one of the most wanted jobs for some reason.)

6. Mechanic. (Auto-hooves.)

7. Writers. (This is a big career most human-ponies go into, but its not like anypony has really written anything. And its not like they have an entire place where they publish their stories onto a place for other ponies to read. That would be weird, right?)

8. Musicians. (There are a lot of these so you need to be good at doing what you do to get up in this field.)

9. A Cook. (If your good at what you do, please don't send the writer a cherry chonga, because he does not have a terrible craving for one. Celestia gives him the best of food, so please bring me the bes- I mean worst food you can make.)

10. Official royal mating test subject.. (If you’re a white pure Earth pony, Pegasus, or Unicorn then you will love this job. Good pay, short hours, and a lot of pleasureness. Trust the guide, it knows.)

These are some of the, literally, hundreds of jobs out there for human-ponies like yourself to enjoy and experience. So pick up a paper and start looking for what interest’s you today! (Thats if you are not stupid and can in fact read.)

Now that you understand how money works, and that you now possess a job, means that you are ready to buy a home! As you know by now, the whole reason of a home is to have a place to call your own, whether it be a mansion, or a hut. The choice is yours! Well, not really. Its more like how much you’re willing to spend on your way of living, and on how much you make.

Here are some simple steps to buying a home in Equestria.

Step number 1. Look for a real-estate office. (Canterlot has many of these.)

Step number 2. Decide on a town/city to live in. (We will assume you want to live in Ponyville. We will discuss this after this section has gone over the rest of the steps.)

Step number 3. Decide on how you want to live. (You have a normal paying job, so you will live in an average home for a human-pony.)

Step number 4. Move in. (You probably don't have much on you at this time, so you should start getting the basics together. You can start this by going to a local bank and telling them you are a human-pony. Princess Celestia has made it to where all human-ponies receive a total of 500 bits to spend on whatever they wish.)

And thats it! If you cannot follow these four simple steps then you are stupid, and you will probably die in a pit of lemons. Speaking of lemons, another job that seems to be popular is to test Derping caps.

History lesson 3: It was during the parasprite plague 100 years ago when parasprites attacked the whole southern countryside of Equestria. Celestia and many of her advisers sat down to think about how they were going to solve such a big problem. It was at this time that Derpy Wings, who by some odd chance, is the great, great, grandmother of Ditzy Doo. Flew in the meeting chamber and proposed they use some of the lemons at the bottom of one of the many pits and make a weapon. Intrigued by this idea, Celestia asked her what her plan was. Her idea was to create a machine called a Derping cap. Now, Derping caps help one... well, derp. How this would help is that if everypony in a parasprite infected area put on the hats then the large wave of derpiness would overcome the pests and they would explode with weirdness. Surprisingly, it works, so now in every town, and every city there are the official derping cap wearers. This was, before the discovery of music as a means to drive the stupid creatures off. Although music works, many ponies still use the Derping cap method to keep parasprites away.

(Instructions on how to use a derping cap. 1. Place cap on head. 2. Take lemon and cut it in half. 3. Place on top of cap. 4. Feel the derp overcome you.)

Testing for these caps and more is decently paying, but the only down side is that you might lose a few brain cells when you’re done. This is a common side effect, but its not like you haven't lost enough of those to begin with.

Back to places to live. Equestria is big. Really big! The universe itself considers Equestria to be, big; that’s a big achievement, worthy of a big nation.

There are many places to live, from the tall bustling city of Fillydelphia, to the coastal city of Manehattan, or to the quiet towns of Trottingham, and Ponyville. It is regularly debated that Ponyville should be considered a city. The reason this is so, is because for some reason all of you human-ponies and your dogs want to live there. We are not sure why, but it is currently the central hub for human-pony activity. We are guessing that you are a normal human-pony, and having said that, means you want to live in Ponyville.

Ponyville is a nice town/city. Plenty of fresh air, and open spaces. Capitalism and freemarket run the town, so if you open your own business then you’re going to be well off. Most homes in Ponyville are small normal homes, so it shouldn't hurt your budget to bad. There are several up sides to the town, and there are several bad sides to it as well. We will however, not cover the rest of the places where one may live in this guide, just because the universe told us so.

Good Bad

The mares are fine, and the stallions are equally as nice. There are no city folk.

The wheather is good. These words are not properly aligned.

The ponyfolk are good.

It has everything you need.

Thats it for now, find out what you like specifically about the town. And we can't really think of anything else except for the fact that weird stuff happens there all the time.

Thats it! If you followed this guide up to this point then you now own all of the following:

A home.


An understanding of your new life more or less.

And Bail lemons are bad, oh wait a moment...

Lets briefly cover what you learned today.

1. The writer is most certainly fine.

2. Bail lemons are really bad so panic.

3. Destroy the freakin lemons.

4. The lemons make really good jello.

5. You are possibly not stupid.

6. You know how to use money.

7. Watch sales-ponies are evil slimy creatures.

8. All human-ponies live in Ponyville.

9. You have a house, and you know how to buy one.

10. You have some sort of talent.

Remember these are only a few of the many things I'm sure you have learned today, but you must close this section of the guide and move on to the next. In the next section of the guide we will cover taking that special somepony to your new place. Then, we will cover activities and day to day life for real ponies. Lastly, we will cover more things.

So don't panic. Because the guide will return... at a later time.

(This guide is written for the pure enjoyment of writing. Did you like the guide? Why not track it and give it a good rating! Any questions referring to the guide will be answered by mua in the comments below. If you like my stories, or just like to read stuff watch me! In a none creepy way of course...)

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(Help point out any mistakes we might have missed! Please point out where you found errors because it's hard to find errors in the guide.)
(Next: Love and Mating.)
(Thanks for reading!)