• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf



A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Love and Mating

LOVE AND MATING


This is the next section of the Humans Guide to life in Equestria. By now you should have a paying job, a warm place to sleep, and a general understanding of your new life. That means that the universe has been kind enough to let you live a nice life, up until this point, and that happy life is either about to take a turn for the better, or for the worse. In this section we will cover love and mating. This guide has one rule about love, and what to do about it; here is that rule.


RULE 7: AVOID LOVE AT ALL TIMES... unless it's a one time thing.


Like stated in the rule above, love is evil, stay away from it. The reason this is so is because, when a male and female come together they have babies, and the last thing Equestria needs is a thousand more ponies running around. But we will get back to that at a later time, for now we will discuss pony anatomy, because you can't love or mate if you don't know what is what.

A normal pony consists of many parts such as, legs, a head, hooves, and body. Just like any other creature ponies have a heart, lungs, and other slimy things inside them. The picture below goes into better detail about pony anatomy. Look at the picture down below and get a good look at the amazing, powerful, majestic, cute lovable pony you are. If you do not have any of these qualities then you are not a pony, you are something worse, you are ugly.




As you can see by this picture, it shows all of the nice pieces of a pony. Now, the only thing it doesn't show, are the reproductive organs, and we will call them that instead of their other term because if we do then it will sound like this is done professionally, which it isn't. (But you didn't know that... wait.) As you could tell by looking at this picture that the reproductive organs of a male, and female are not shown. The reason this is so is because if it did show them, then the author would be hunted down by universe... or the publishers... and we wouldn't want that to happen now would we. Speaking of which, Celestia isn't watching at the moment so, if it wouldn't be so hard to unlock the high-tech magical lock that keeps him in his chambers. The code is 111-111-112... or it's just 42-1337-42-66... 7.

We will discuss how to go about doing your thing with another pony of both genders, whether you are a Colt, Filly, Stallion, or Mare. We don't really care. Now, if the guide just told you that we were about to cover how a genders interact than once again it has lied to you. Instead we are going to talk about why you feel love for ponies, because lets face it. You still can't come to terms with yourself even though you have. And yes that is legitimate, trust us, we know.

The reason a human-pony like yourself falls in love is because love is in the air. Did you notice that large purple cloud on Sunday? Well that was love, and yes it's in the air. Your Brain believe it or not has gone under a dramatic change, you thought that it was just your body that was transformed? No, your feelings have as well. If you haven't noticed already you feel slightly more happy then you normally are, this is only the case for 40% of human-ponies, and ponies in general. If you don't feel a little more happier then normal, it's because you hated life and the universe is laughing at you.

whether you a male or female love will come to you at some point and you will have to meet it head on. Or fail miserably and become the laughing stock of the whole town for some reason. at first it might seem wrong to love a pony, after all you used to be a human who liked other humans, but that rule works the same way here. most humans have gotten used to this fact and are happily married to beautiful mares/stallions. (I did it! I made the beginning letters smaller!)


Lets start from the beginning. First let's say you inhale some of love that is hovering over Ponyville, this means you have love sickness. Love sickness means your sick... with love. The only known cure is to buck up and deal with it. So, now that you are in love you need somepony to be in love with. This means you have to find that special somepony. Here are the many types of ponies you will see in the world. (This applies to both males, and females.)

1. The shy type. (They are the most lovable and they are the most cute. *Squee*)

2. The intelligent type. (They usually consist of book worms and ponies with a higher degree of education,they can also be a know-it-all sometimes. This mean that they are more or less difficult to cope with, or not.)

3. The tough energetic sporty type. (These are the kinds of ponies who like to race and do fun awesome things. Of course there are very few ponies who have this personality, pegasi have generally the same personality so it is a good idea to pair with another pagasus if that is the case.)

4. The pink ones. (Parties, they love them... If you want a pony like this, prepare for the ride of your life.)

5. The country ponies. (These ponies are easy going and like the simple life. But if you aren't a hard worker then these ponies aren't for you.)

6. The rich beautiful ponies. (For some reason dragons seem to be fond of these kinds of ponies... they also just so happen to be mares... Come to think of it, why don't dragons like stallions? Is it because they just do or is it sexist... we won't get into that.)

7. The stupid ponies. (The name says it all... you might be in this category... maybe.)

8. The middle ponies. (These ponies are well rounded to anything and are probably the best choice.)

There are many many many more kinds of ponies out there to choose from, but there is just one that will work best for you. This probably a lie, but oh well. As the list gets bigger so does your chances of getting a mate. Now assuming you’re from Earth which by now we can confirm, means you are terrible at girl/boy talk. This means you suck at talking to them. For the sake of your survival we will demonstrate how to ask that special somepony out on a date.

This is a short story thing written by the author when he was eating a bagel, how that is relevant to the issue at hoof is a mystery. For this we will assume you are male. Because 90% of you human-ponies are male. Now please note that if you are part of the Royal Mating Service then skip this right now, or read on for your enjoyment.


Demonstration: You are walking down the street, because you just like to. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and life seems nice for you. Although there are many different ponies all around you, it is nothing you haven't seen before, not counting the fact that you were a human once not to long ago and are now a pony. That is until you see the most beautiful pony ever, your head then explodes, fixes itself, goes to the future and turns into a donut. But in the end it becomes normal again.

She looks at you. (and if it's a he then we'll go into that later.) And soon you both realize that the love in the air has gripped you both and you are in love. At this point you can do one of two things:

1. Mate on the spot and end it.

2. Ask her(once again we will talk about stallions later.) out on a date.

And then there is secret option number three.

3. An arrow to the knee. (Which may or may not render your ability to adventure.)

Since you clearly have no experience with mares(or stallions but that is later, how much later? We can't say.) means your legs feel like Jello, not Bail lemon Jello, more like Melon Jello, but back on topic. You feel amazing, this probably means that love has entered your blood stream and is now making it's way to your brain. Before we go on you must note that love is a creation of the universe which is why it trolls you with love. This means that very few catch love sickness, so those that do not get love sickness must find it on their own which, as stated before means. "It really sucks to be you."

She trots up to you and she starts to talk. Here is a demonstration between a good way to get a date, and a really bad way.

"Hi, I'm Golden Harp, how are you?"

Because you haven't read this guide in this example means this is what you say return.

"I AM MANLY PONY! YOU COME WITH ME, WE MAKE MANY BABIES!"

It is at this time you get hit in the head and are left on the ground unconscious because you are an idiot.

In this example this is the real reality, which means that you are not an idiot, but you may be stupid. In this you have read the guide and you know what to do.

"Hi, I'm Golden Harp, how are you."

"Hi, I'm (*Insert random pony-human name here*) I'm doing fine."

"So what are you doing."

"Oh, well I'm just taking a stroll through town, you know that kind of stuff."

"Yeah, I was on my way to Sugercube Corner."

You take this as a chance to rid yourself of love.

"Well I'm not doing anything right now, so how about I come to?"

She thinks for a moment before answering.

"Sure, maybe we can get to know each other better."

At this time you have a date which means you win, or the universe is going to make it backfire terribly on you.


Congratulations! You now have a date, or a mate. This is only if the date went well for you, know assuming you are not stupid means that it did go well, and that means you have a mate. (Whether it be male for female, we will still assume it is a female.)

Why a female you ask? Well that is a good question. You see the male and female ratio is 4 out of 10. This means for every 10 ponies 4 will be males and 6 will be females. In Equastria the ratio applies to Equestria as a whole, so this means everywhere you go for every 10 ponies 4 will be males. Since this is the case the population doesn’t expand as nearly a much as say the griffin territories, which have a ratio of 5 to 5. So in their country for every 10 griffins 5 will be males, and 5 will be females.

Now that you know how to get a mate let's talk about what kinds of dates one may go on. What we mean by this that are you one who enjoys mares, or stallions. Because you see, sexuality is not criticized in Equestria, which means you can be with whoever you wish.

Here are the list of sexual preferences one may look into.

1. Fillyfoolers. (This term is used for mares/fillies who are together beyond friendship if you catch my drift.)

2. Coltcuddlers. (It is extremely rare to see a stallion/colt that likes another beyond the border of friendship. This is because the ratio does not support enough males, which means 80 to 90% of all males are drawn to mares/fillies.)

3. Normalishness. (This means you like mares, or stallions which depending on you gender may vary. Here is an example: A female likes a male, and a male likes a female.)

4. Bothi's. (We are not sure who came up with this word but it works. It means that you are open to both genders and don't really care because you’re cool like that.)

Which are you? We don't really care, your happiness is your own!... or the universe and love might be controlling it... we're not sure, but you'll find out eventually.


Now comes the best part. Mating. Now, mating with another one of your species. Well saying you are now a pony means this should be 60% less awkward for you... Hopefully. Assuming you’re male, means that we will cover how to mate with another pony.

Depending on how you like to mate also depends on how well you'll do with your... other. If you have gotten this far in life this means that you have been successful in life thus far and must suck up the last remaining humanity you have left and kill it with fire. Not literally, unless it managed to get loose and is now running in the streets like an angry monster, then yes, kill it with fire.

The reproductive system is just the same as any normal mammal, and the author is stalling because he is bored and wants to pass this part so he may keep a teen rating. Your reproductive drive is how much you want to... do things to another pony in a certain amount of time. Mating is a lot like pin the tail on the pony, only you’re pinning something else on the pony... in the hind quarters region... *wink**wink* If the guide just did the wink wink thing then you have just saw something totally random.

Mating for both males, and females is simple, now we're sure that there is another guide which will cover mating in detail. If you are still curious then look for a story with the tags Mature and Sex on them.

Now for a little history on human-ponies and mating situations and how they dealt with the extreme from of awkwardness.

History 4ish: It was long time ago that a race of highly intelligent creatures called Shitheads (Pronounced Shih-thades... or however you like.) got so tired about wondering what the mysteries of love were that they took their best inventors on their planet to build a super computer. (It is unknown as to what a computer is but we don't really care.) This super computer looked like a giant ball that was thinking. Upon it's completion they took the chance to ask it the ultimate question, "Why did love exist, and the secrets to life the universe and everything would be nice too..." and so they asked it. They got the most intelligent child they could think of to ask the all knowing computer thing the question because at the time My little Pony was on, and they had decided to not miss it to and not ask the computer the question. (We are not sure what this show is, or what it is about but these Shitheads like watching it and surprisingly humans do to.) Here is how the conversation between the computer and the children went.

*The odd alien boy thing is passing by his friend.*

"Merlin are you on your way to ask the question to the computer?"

Merlin is the one they chose to ask the computer.

"Yes Arthur, I'm going to ask the computer the stupid question..."

"You know the ponies are on right now right?"

"I know and I hate to miss them, but this is a bi-"

"But Mmeeeerliiiiiiiiin what about the ponies Mmeeeeerliiiiiiin?"

"Stop your complaining! I will ask the computer and no Pink, fluffy, cute ponies will stop me!"

"I hate you."

"I love you too, buddy."

It was then that Merlin went to the computer and asked it the question(s).

"OH GREAT HEAD THAT IS IN THE SHAPE OF A ORBISH BALL THING, ARE YOU READY TO ANSWER ME?"

"Yeppers! Just ask away!"

"THEN WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO LOVE, and to a small extent life and the universe and stuff..."

"Oh! Well that's an easy one!"

"The answer is... It is.... I think it's..... Maybe it could be...."

This lasted for about three days.

"If the cat turned to cheese then maybe it could be... 43!"

He shook his head because he had fallen asleep. "Wha-what? What's the answer?"

"43!"

"43?"

"43!"

"I'm lost... I can't believe the answer to Love and everything is 43!"

"Well it is."

"Why not 42?"

"Pfft, who would use the number 42? That's laaaaame."


It is a well known fact that this story teaches us that everything about love is completely and utterly random. Instead of this example we could have just said most human-ponies just cope with the awkwardness in some way or another, but this example was much more meaningful in, an odd kind of way.

Now this rule is both a rule and an equation. It is the equation at which new life is made.


Rule 8: 2 + 2= 43


This is the equation for new life. You might want to remember this while in the bedroom, or the couch or wherever you decide to do you thing with your other.

A few humans have asked us, "What if ponies have diseases or stuff? Won't I catch it when we’re together?" the answer is no. You see in Equestria sexual diseases don't exist. The reason we know of their existence at all is because you humans ask this question often. Instead the only thing you might catch after matting is regret or shame, because if you aren't feeling that now then you will in 9 or so months.

So be careful while being with your mate, and remember that it can be fun to mate and Love! If your relationship fails however, then there’s always next time, but lets face it, you will probably never get her/him back. But that is because your love was set up by the universe and it hates you, but not totally.

Now 43 is an important number because when you mate that’s how long it takes for your reproductive stuff to become a Foal (and it is in seconds).


So now let us go over how to get a mate through these simple easy steps.

1. Find the one you want.

2. Ask her/him about themselves and get to know them.

3. Don't be creepy.

4. Ask him/ her on a date.

5. Go on a date multiple times.

6. Mate with your partner.

7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 several times. (Although you probably like step 6 the most.)

8. Get married. (Or fail miserably at the relationship and take a trip to the bar.)

9. Win at life, or at least win right now because later you might fail.

Just follow these steps and you should be fine, and if your lucky then you might be gifted with small foals of your own. Then you can teach them to ride a bike, or teach them how to do complex math equations in their head, or you can put a small yellow fish in their ear. Or if you are cruel give them a Bail Lemon, but you’re not that evil... are you?

In all if you treat him/her nicely you two should live a long happy life together. As for the writer, no he doesn't have a special somepony, so he signed up for the Royal Mating Service in the castle as a second job, and trust me it was a great choice.

Treat him/her well, and we will all be happy, which believe it or not is the next rule. This rule applies to all males in Equestria and was made official during the beginning of the stallions rights movement.

Rule 9: Males have the sole purpose of Mating, Guarding, or otherwise doing all of the stuff females don't want to do.

and

Rule 10: Guys make the sandmiches.


In conclusion we have learned quite a bit today about your new life and how you can get - some. We learned about alien creatures, which I found out existed once Lyra showed me many more of her theories on extra-dimensional beings. We learned a little bit about the parts of a pony, and how to use your mating thing to mate. We learned how to find that special somepony and what to do when talking to them; here is the list of what we covered.

1.Don't panic when talking to the other gender.

2. Shitheads watch ponies, and they are very odd creatures.

3. Human-ponies like to mate... don't we all?

4. You learned how to date, because you used to suck at it.

5. The universe has given you this small beacon of hope.

6. 43.

7. The answer to everything is 2 + 2= 43.

8. You might have come to terms with your new life.

9. Celestia is our supreme leader.

10. Avoid love if possible... unless it's a one time deal.

11. Males make decent sandmiches.

I'm sure you have learned much more, because this section was very informative. But alas we must close this section of the guide because the writer has to tend to his second job. So please, don't panic, because we're only getting started... well maybe, we're not sure. Oh, and please if you are reading this then Celestia has left and you need to not bring me cookies filled with tools to hack into the locking system, and please don't help. I have not received some of your items and I have not been trying to use them.

It is a well know fact that if you say OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, while mating then this guide dispenses a free cookie. And in the next section we will cover day to day life... and you remember all that crazy stuff that we mentioned in the beginning? Well that's where that fits in.


(Whew, I tell you this was a real hard chapter to write! It may not look it, but the changing in moods from serious to goofy is hard, at least for me.... This guide is written for the pure enjoyment of writing. Did you like the guide? Why not track it and give it a good rating! Any questions referring to the guide will be answered by mua in the comments below. If you like my stories, or just like to read stuff watch me! In a none creepy way of course...)

Proofread by:

Noakwolf

Sithis

Dracoliat


(The picture used in this part of the guide belongs to Sepia Tone, and as such belongs to her.)
(Previously: Careers, Talents, and... Lemons.)
(Next: Abnormal day to day life...)
(Ask questions in the comments below.)
(Oh, and point out any mistakes we might have missed!)