A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.
(READ ALL OF THIS) You have been given the Human's Guide to Life if Equestria. By some odd series of events you have come to this wonderful land of talking ponies. But a lot of you can't just jump into it without a little knowledge of your new home. Also you haven't been given this book, more like you have been forced to read every last word by Princess Celestia herself. But this is not a normal guide, no. This is a story, a story about you! In this we will cover, love and mating, your new self, settlement and careers, and many more things. So don't panic, because OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
(Please I hold nothing against humanity, or HiE stories, I love each and every one of them. In fact I'm giving them each a big shoutout for inspiring me. This is my second fanfic, and I just did it for the pure enjoyment of writing. It is roughly based off the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I will update occasionally and I will finish it.)
(Rated Teen for: Some sexual references, crude humor, and mild goofiness, and a teeny tiny bit of swearing. And fourth wall breaking. )
Congratulations sir/ ma'am you have just purchased the Human’s Guide to Life in Equestria! You might be thinking what is this guide, and what is Equestria? First we will describe to you what this guide is and what it stands for. This guide is given to all creatures who are not native to this terrestrial realm, that means you. You remember that bit about purchasing this guide, well that was a lie. Rather, you are being forced to read this because you foreign creatures bring a whole load of freaky stuff with you into our calm land. As such, this guide is meant for the betterment of your well being in your new home. Once you have completed this guide, you will understand how to live as a normal Equestrian in our proud society.
Where is Equestria you ask? Well Equestria is the main country in which ponies live. Its galactic position at this current time is unknown, but we can assure you that you are no longer on your home planet. Equestria is ruled, owned, and populated with ponies. Why ponies you ask? Its simple, because it just is, deal with it. Equestria is a massive country filled with many cities, towns, and natural wonders. These are a few qualities that make our nation proud, and now that you are part of our land you must learn the importance of your place here.
In this guide, we will cover all about you. Well, not all about you. Rather, we will cover how you will live your life, and how to find the basics to kick off your second chance. We will also cover who is who in your new home as well as some history, and culture. But, you must be warned living in Equestria is not all sunshine and daisies. Life in Equestria is much like life in your old world. You have to work to earn money, use your money to eat and live, and stay healthy. This is how the world works, both here and where you came from.
Now most foreign ponies are human. Why they are is beyond us, so it’s safe to assume that you were human. This guide will not cover humans or their point of origin, but it will briefly cover why you got here. So before we continue with how you got here and who you are, we will go over who the writer is.
The writer, and or creator of this guide was personally assigned the task of creating this guide by Princess Celestia herself. (This guide will cover who she is at a later time.) And the writer is not being forced to write this so please don't help him. He can not be found in the second tower of the Canterlot royal castle, and he doesn't need help. So please don't help him.
On the cover of this guide you probably noticed on the words "OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" in bright yellow letters. What this stands for is that you are either very happy to be in Equestria, you’re baffled, or you’re just severely annoyed. So our best advice is don't panic.
Now before we continue here is the first rule of this guide. Remember that this rule applies to any and all that have had a terrible, or in some cases a good life up until this point.
Rule 1: The universe hates you, but not totally.
This rule is the number one rule of this guide, and yes you will see this rule come up frequently in the rest of the guide. Now lets get on with you and how you got here, and who you are.
The universe. It's big. You wouldn’t believe how mind bogglingly big the universe actually is. Since this is being said, a lot of freaky stuff happens all the time everywhere. Now a lot of that freaky stuff happens on Earth. Why the freakishness has chose Earth as its toy is beyond us, but the most likely reason is that the universe hates you. Who were you before you came to Equestria? Were you a famous leader, or a great artist, or a hobo who might be friendly more or less so? Or were you a world renown super villain? At this time we don't really care what you were, because we are here to make you into who you can be. For this guide to work properly we must simulate your arrival so that you might have a better understanding of how the universe trolls you. (We are still not sure what a "Troll" is but you humans use the term a lot.)
Before we move on, here is a small list of common ways humans like yourself have entered Equestria. The most odd thing about the stories you share with us is that most of them involve you dying. Why you died is equally as strange, and what's worse is that you come here with others. (Note: These are not in numerical order from most common to least common.)
1. Plane crash. (This is the least common method of teleportation used to get to our world.)
2. Boat accident. ( You died on a boat, this means that you didn't wear a life preserver, and this being said that means that you are stupid.)
3. Car crash. (We have still haven't found out what a "car" is but we are still looking into it.)
4. Getting hit by a car. (We don't know what it is with you humans but you keep getting hit by these stupid things. We have currently 1337 stories told that say before they came here they were hit by cars.)
5. Boot to the head.
6. Suicide. (If you did this to escape life, then the universe hates you. Welcome to a new one.)
7. Stargate. (Where did you find this?)
8. Aliens. (The universe is using its troll monkeys to find and foal-nap you.)
9. Brick in the bowl. (You shouldn't of had that burrito if you know what I'm saying.)
10. You were murdered by a stick of butter. (... Once, that’s how many times this has happened.)
11. A big portal through time and space tears itself right in your backyard. ( Believe it or not this happens a lot, and it also happens in other random places.)
12. Muffins. (This is another uncommon way to come here. Example: You are sitting there enjoying a muffin, and then all of a sudden you pass out and wake up in Equestria.)
Now that you have a better understanding of how humans find their way here, let’s talk about how you got here.
As stated before, to better understand how you got here we will simulate your crossing. Here is your story as told from the voices of many humans who have suffered the same fate as yourself. For this scenario we will pretend you came here by means of getting hit by a car.
Once upon your planet. You, the human, were walking one day outside in your little city on what seemed like an average day. You have had a good life, or that is what you thought. Because it is at this point in time that a human car driver has decided that it is a good idea to see if he can do the funky chicken while driving at 45 miles an hour. You of course you are to busy with other matters to notice your impending doom. So within seconds the car and your body make contact, and just like that it kills you on the spot. It is not until now that the driver has realized what he has done, and removes himself from his "car" to inspect your once living self. Although he feels bad about what he did, he quickly notices that you are dead and are in no more need of your wallet.
In your dead state you see a light. This is what most humans have told us they see before they die. This little white light is not in fact human heaven. Because if it was, you would walk into a land of more death and violence, either that or you were secretly a terrible person and your going to hell. We have also had humans say that you feel immense pain as you start to regain consciousness. You see the gateway, or portal from your world to ours transforms your physical being into a pony. It is said that this process is extremely long, and terribly painful. Remember that good life you thought you had? Well, you're probably not having a good one at this point. Next thing you remember you are waking up in a field, or in Canterlot.
It is time for the history we mentioned earlier.
History lesson 1: Once not too long ago, a unicorn named Lyra approached the Canterlot magical science foundation with the idea that a race of creatures called "Humans" existed beyond our realm. She also brought up the idea that they could also be in fact the creators of Equestria. Many of the higher magical council members dismissed this idea and sent her off in tears. It was not till recently however that proof of humans existence was discovered purely by accident. Lyra was in Ponyville (A place we will discuss at a later time.) when she saw a huge hole open in the sky. Interested in what it could be she discovered the remains of what looked like a whale. On top of said whale was an orange Colt named Timothy. Believe it or not Timothy accompanied Lyra to the magical council with the whale, and proved that humanity existed. Like before, the council dismissed the idea and sent them both (and the whale) home in tears, but later more and more human-ponies started to show up like crazy talking about the same place. Baffled by this the council was given more than enough proof, and so now Lyra now runs the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. Or the Equestrian Search for Humans in Equestria Recruitment Guild. Why the i in the middle is lower cased is beyond us.
That is how you were brought here. The E.S.H.i.E.R.G. detected your arrival and now you are here. Do you remember that bit about this guide referring to you as a creature? Well that was a lie too, we are completely aware that you were human.
Now to find out little about yourself. As you already know by now you are not a human, you are a pony. The question is what kind of pony are you, and what gender? Ponies in Equestria and their Anatomy will be described at a later time, for now we will cover the basics. What sub-species of pony are you? There are three kinds of ponies that live in Equestria, each with unique and powerful traits. The types of ponies are listed below.
Earth Ponies. (Their strong, fast, and have the ability to adapt to their surroundings the best out of anypony in Equestria, plus they're the best farmers.)
Unicorns. (The most magical and intelligent of the three. Unicorns have horns that allow them to use magic for whatever he or she pleases to do. It is with their use of magic that makes them able to have a great sense of manipulation and power over items like crystals, and those stupid peanut butter jars where you just can't get the lid off.)
And the Pegasi. (These powerful ponies have wings which give them the ability to race at powerful speeds. This however only applies to a certain number of ponies. Pegasi can control cloud movement by bucking clouds, and they can even move on the fluffy things as well.)
And in some rare cases Alicorns. (If you have been turned into an Alicorn than the universe is not just making you a demi-god, no. It means that it hates our beloved Princess Celestia, because her and her sister will hunt you down and send you to a place where the sun may never shine ever again. And that is for you just existing. Which in return is the universe saying it really hates you.)
Now that you know what ponies exist, it means you have a better understanding of what you are. This is another large step for you on your way to becoming a true Equestrian! Now we will come back to the subject of what gender you are. Like most creatures ponies have males, and females. We will cover male and female interaction at a later time. For now you should just look at yourself, and if you don't see a... You know, I think that if you came from Earth then you should know the difference between a male and female. If you are stupid however than the next rule applies to you.
Rule 2: Everypony has a place in Equestria, even the stupid ones.
If you are stupid then I'm sure you can find another guide on male and female differences. For now, lets assume you are a (insert gender here).
This concludes our section of this guide for the moment, but before we close this chapter lets review what you've learned.
1. The universe hates you, but not totally.
2. You are a pony.
3. You now live in Equestria, so don't panic.
4. You have come to terms with yourself so OMG YES THIS IS HAPPENING.
5. You have the chance at a new life, you also found out that some letters like to stay lower cased.
6. Everypony has a place in Equestria. Even the stupid ones.
7. You learned the many freaky ways that humans come here, and why you should leave you wallet in your car. (We don't know what those are still.)
8. And some history about the organization that brought you here from your entry point.
9. This guide lies about... Some things.
These are just a quick list of the many things you learned today about yourself and your new life. The next topic will cover money, careers, and living arrangements in the magical land of Equestria. We will go over what your special talent is, and how you can make money doing it.
But it is time we close this section of the guide and move on to the next. So please, don't panic, everything will work out in the end. Just watch out for the universe, you never know when it will play a trick on you because it truly does hate you.
TOPICS COVERED IN THE FULL GUIDE: Mating and love, diet, food, anatomy, careers, jobs, and talents (Next), communication with the world and its ponies, history, and culture. (This will be integrated into the guide as we go.) We will cover these and maybe more... Maybe.
(This was written for the pure enjoyment of the author. This, as you can already tell, was not made to be serious. Some grammar issues and errors and purposely placed there for comedic purposes.)
Welcome to the next section of the Humans Guide to Life in Equestria! As you probably know, the events that brought you here have been nerve shockingly bad, or nerve shockingly good. You may take it as you wish, but you are, in fact, here. In this section of the guide we will cover Careers, talents, and settlement... and lemons... Now before we go into how to carve that little piece of Equestria for yourself you need to be told about one of the most important things... Which is lemons. If lemons apply to you, then the following rule is just what you need to hear, or read.
Rule 3: Bail Lemons will bail on you...
Now you might ask yourself, what are Bail lemons? And what do they have to do with my new life? These are very easily answered questions for, you see, it is a well known fact that the universe can inject a piece of itself into these lemons. We have had multiple humans say that they had a purple bag full of lemons on them whenever they awoke here in Equestria; these are Bail lemons.
History lesson 2: Long ago. During the time of flintponies, many ponies wondered how the universe worked. So like most creatures, they would take lemons and push them off cliffs with the belief that if it something could fall, it was the answer to life. What happened was that these flintponies used lemons as a source of both sacrifice, and entertainment. All day long they would push lemons off the sides of cliffs and watch them splat at the bottom. Now this continued until modern times, when Princess Celestia banned the practice of pushing the lemons off the sides of cliff's. At the bottom of a pit, cliff thing, was about a trillion lemons. One day a pony named Lemon Jello ran out of lemons to make, well... Jello. So she ventured down into the pit. Once there, she took the most fresh lemons and made jello. The universe was furious at the fact that its lemons were being turned into jello, and just like that the universe took all the lemons at the bottom of the pit. The next day when Lemon Jello returned to the pit where she was greeted by nothing... Yes, nothing... The universe had taken her lemons. She later received three golden lemons, the universe gave her these mystical lemons as a gift for the crime against jello it had committed. But as said in rule 1 of this guide, the universe hates you, but not totally. So the Bail Lemons were born.
What Bail Lemons do, is they grant wishes. If you were found with a bag of lemons, don't panic. If the guide has just asked you not to panic than the writer is lying to you, because you have every reason to panic. Remember rule 3? Well the reason that Bail Lemons are so evil is because they grant wishes, ironically this is the same reason you should panic. You see, in order for the lemons to grant you a wish, you need to give something of your own up in return. Whether it be a whale, a large headed robot, a normal British man, a fish, or a towel, it doesn't matter. Since this is the case, many have lost organs, and in some rare cases, their minds to the Bail lemons.
The reason they are called Bail Lemons are because they help you Bail on life. Now the name Bail lemon was given to the devilish fruit because human-ponies like yourself have had many encounters with them. What is odd, is that Lemon Jello was the only native pony to receive Bail Lemons. We think the most likely reason is because, and this guide quotes, "The universe hates you... But not totally". For example, here are some ways some humans have use Bail lemons to get what they want:
(Please note: All of these ponies are mostly safe, and yes they were human at one point in their life.)
1. A pony managed to obtain the mare of his dreams. (Lost: His mind.)
2. Came to Equestria. (Lost: His life in Equestria, which was an odd thing. This is by far the most odd, and terrible thing to happen yet.)
3. A fashion model got her wish at becoming a mane Modeler. (Lost: Her mane.)
4. This story is clouded with many different versions, but the most reasonable conclusion is he became a space pony-duck.
This is why you must follow the next rule:
Rule 4: DESTROY THE FREAKIN LEMONS, you don't need to panic though... maybe.
So, if you have a bag of lemons on you follow the rule above, and you should be fine.
Now that we have covered the infamous Bail lemons, we can move on to talents. Most humans like yourself don't possess a talent in any shape, form, or way. But, seeing as you are now a pony and are no longer a human means that you now have the ability to form a talent. What your talent is can vary how well you do in Equestrian society.
In order for us to progress through this guide we need to go over your special talent. Now, your special talent can be identified by a Cutie Mark. What is a Cutie Mark you ask? Well, a Cutie Mark is a symbol indicating ones special talent. This might seem strange to you but a Cutie Mark is located on both sides of ones flank. If you don't know what a flank is, then you’re more stupid then you already thought, and if that is the case you will not have a place in Equestria... Once again the guide is not lying, because the stupid ponies have a place in Equestria, just not all the time.
A Cutie Mark can be a variety of things, from a golden ring to the number 42. It doesn't matter, because all Cutie Marks are unique. This rule applies to those that don't have unique Cutie Marks, and in the words of a human, "then it sucks to be you."
Rule 5: All Cutie Marks are unique, except those who have the same one.
It is wise to note that this particular part of the guide will have many, many, more rules, so enjoy them.
When we found you here in Equestria we usually record a human-pony Cutie Mark when we pick them up, for none creepy reasons of course. Your Cutie Mark is (your Cutie Mark here).
Good, you have taken another large leap into becoming a true Equestrian! Know that you know what your cutie mark is means that you have a better understanding of what your good at. So before we move on we will go over the many different Cutie Marks that one can receive.
(Note, these are not all the Cutie Marks or paths one may take. Rather, it is just a small list of the millions of Cutie Marks out there.)
1. A hammer.(You build stuff, but can you fix it?)
2. A ring. (There is only one to rule them all.)
3. A towel. (This will be described at a later time.)
4. A male symbol. (We will go into sexuality later... and that part you wont want to miss.)
5. A Pipbuck. (What the heck is that?)
6. A compass rose. (Adventure, that is what your good at, you should feel good about yourself.)
7. A stick of butter. (The universe truly hates you, because it just said that being killed by butter is your special talent.)
8. A female symbol. (Look above at what was said about the male symbol.)
9. Bail lemons. (In the words of the human-pony, "Sucks to be you.")
10. A note, like the ones that involve music.
Now that you have a general understanding about Cutie Marks, we can move on to using your talent for the betterment of society... and possibly to save the wr- I mean to help other ponies. It is also strange that every time the words Cutie and Mark appear they are in the color pink. We believe this is so because somepony out there has messed with the transdimensional barrier. (We will discuss proper pony language later in this chapter of the guide, or maybe not.)
Congratulations! You are good at something. This means you’re now ready to get a job. Now, like on Earth you have to earn money to live, eat, and keep up the rent. But what does money in Equestria look like? And how much do I need to support myself? Money in Equestia is measured and spent like anything else in the world. The official currency of our proud society is Bits. Bits are like 1's and 2's and,(hey wait a moment, why are they numbers?) Because they decided it would be fun. Bits are tiny golden coins that represent 1’s. There are no Bits that are considered more than 1. So, this means that you need 5 Bits to buy something worth 5 Bits.
Here is an example of a formal exchange between a human-pony, and a sales-pony.
*Whistles down the street merrily*
"No, I mean the cat over there..."
"Oh, well okay then!"
*Whistles and continues trotting merrily*
"No! I meant you..."
"Oh, well what is it you want?"
"Wanna buy a watch?"
"Yeah, a watch."
Its is important to note that this particular pony has read and received the Humans Guide to Life in Equestria. In this guide it clearly states that you should always hit those that sell watches. Because, like all slimy creatures, watch sales-ponies are crafty evil devils that will sell you fake watches.
What our human-pony does will save his life.
*Goes through his random saddle bag on his back, and pulls out, THE HUMANS GUIDE TO LIFE IN EQUESTRIA!*Thunder noise* *
"What the heck is tha-"
You see, before he could continue he was hit upside the head with the guide. It is also very important to note that this guide can be used as an effective weapon against creeps... and watch sales-ponies. Our hero then ran off with his guide, and all of the sales-pony's watches. This was probably the worst example, so we will give you a better one. If you ask for a apple at an apple cart, and the apple cart owner asks you for 3 bits. You give her 3 tiny golden coins. This is an example of a perfect exchange. So that small example above was not really needed, but on the bright side you now know that this guide is an effective weapon against creeps.
Managing your money is just as important, so it is very, very, very, very wise to deposit your earnings in a safe place. Preferably under a couch cushion or in a boot. Because that is the next rule in this guide.
Rule 6: Everything is safer in a boot, or under your hoof.
So now that we have the basics of financing, and what not, out of the way, lets go back to getting you a job.
As said before, in order for you to get a home and buy food you need a job that pays you money. Since you know what your talent is means that it is a lot more easier for you to understand what career is best for you. Whether its flying, building, winning, running, cleaning and refilling all of the trash cans with jelly, or helping others. Its best to note that once you choose a job you must always be happy with it. The reason this is so, is because there are many bosses out there that are complete and utter jerks, and they will stop at nothing to make your life a living hell. And by hell we mean that place you came from before you got here.
There are careers and fields for just about everything you can imagine. The great thing about the job system here in Equestria is that no real education is required for most jobs. This of course is not true in the fields of teaching, and training and so on and so forth.
Here is a brief list of jobs that are popular with human-ponies.
(These jobs are not in order from most popular to least popular.)
1. Trash pony. (Guess what they do.)
2. Royal Guard. (This is one of the more mentally challenging jobs to ever exist. So before picking this career up just remember that you will be doing a whole lot of nothing.)
3. Official giver of fish to the aquatic mammals. (This is a very important job and we will explain why later.)
4. Monster hunter. (You must have good insurance to back you up in this field of work. Seeing as there is no real insurance companies, means you might need to be extra careful.)
5. A cashier at Sugar Cube Corner. (This is one of the most wanted jobs for some reason.)
6. Mechanic. (Auto-hooves.)
7. Writers. (This is a big career most human-ponies go into, but its not like anypony has really written anything. And its not like they have an entire place where they publish their stories onto a place for other ponies to read. That would be weird, right?)
8. Musicians. (There are a lot of these so you need to be good at doing what you do to get up in this field.)
9. A Cook. (If your good at what you do, please don't send the writer a cherry chonga, because he does not have a terrible craving for one. Celestia gives him the best of food, so please bring me the bes- I mean worst food you can make.)
10. Official royal mating test subject.. (If you’re a white pure Earth pony, Pegasus, or Unicorn then you will love this job. Good pay, short hours, and a lot of pleasureness. Trust the guide, it knows.)
These are some of the, literally, hundreds of jobs out there for human-ponies like yourself to enjoy and experience. So pick up a paper and start looking for what interest’s you today! (Thats if you are not stupid and can in fact read.)
Now that you understand how money works, and that you now possess a job, means that you are ready to buy a home! As you know by now, the whole reason of a home is to have a place to call your own, whether it be a mansion, or a hut. The choice is yours! Well, not really. Its more like how much you’re willing to spend on your way of living, and on how much you make.
Here are some simple steps to buying a home in Equestria.
Step number 1. Look for a real-estate office. (Canterlot has many of these.)
Step number 2. Decide on a town/city to live in. (We will assume you want to live in Ponyville. We will discuss this after this section has gone over the rest of the steps.)
Step number 3. Decide on how you want to live. (You have a normal paying job, so you will live in an average home for a human-pony.)
Step number 4. Move in. (You probably don't have much on you at this time, so you should start getting the basics together. You can start this by going to a local bank and telling them you are a human-pony. Princess Celestia has made it to where all human-ponies receive a total of 500 bits to spend on whatever they wish.)
And thats it! If you cannot follow these four simple steps then you are stupid, and you will probably die in a pit of lemons. Speaking of lemons, another job that seems to be popular is to test Derping caps.
History lesson 3: It was during the parasprite plague 100 years ago when parasprites attacked the whole southern countryside of Equestria. Celestia and many of her advisers sat down to think about how they were going to solve such a big problem. It was at this time that Derpy Wings, who by some odd chance, is the great, great, grandmother of Ditzy Doo. Flew in the meeting chamber and proposed they use some of the lemons at the bottom of one of the many pits and make a weapon. Intrigued by this idea, Celestia asked her what her plan was. Her idea was to create a machine called a Derping cap. Now, Derping caps help one... well, derp. How this would help is that if everypony in a parasprite infected area put on the hats then the large wave of derpiness would overcome the pests and they would explode with weirdness. Surprisingly, it works, so now in every town, and every city there are the official derping cap wearers. This was, before the discovery of music as a means to drive the stupid creatures off. Although music works, many ponies still use the Derping cap method to keep parasprites away.
(Instructions on how to use a derping cap. 1. Place cap on head. 2. Take lemon and cut it in half. 3. Place on top of cap. 4. Feel the derp overcome you.)
Testing for these caps and more is decently paying, but the only down side is that you might lose a few brain cells when you’re done. This is a common side effect, but its not like you haven't lost enough of those to begin with.
Back to places to live. Equestria is big. Really big! The universe itself considers Equestria to be, big; that’s a big achievement, worthy of a big nation.
There are many places to live, from the tall bustling city of Fillydelphia, to the coastal city of Manehattan, or to the quiet towns of Trottingham, and Ponyville. It is regularly debated that Ponyville should be considered a city. The reason this is so, is because for some reason all of you human-ponies and your dogs want to live there. We are not sure why, but it is currently the central hub for human-pony activity. We are guessing that you are a normal human-pony, and having said that, means you want to live in Ponyville.
Ponyville is a nice town/city. Plenty of fresh air, and open spaces. Capitalism and freemarket run the town, so if you open your own business then you’re going to be well off. Most homes in Ponyville are small normal homes, so it shouldn't hurt your budget to bad. There are several up sides to the town, and there are several bad sides to it as well. We will however, not cover the rest of the places where one may live in this guide, just because the universe told us so.
The mares are fine, and the stallions are equally as nice. There are no city folk.
The wheather is good. These words are not properly aligned.
The ponyfolk are good.
It has everything you need.
Thats it for now, find out what you like specifically about the town. And we can't really think of anything else except for the fact that weird stuff happens there all the time.
Thats it! If you followed this guide up to this point then you now own all of the following:
An understanding of your new life more or less.
And Bail lemons are bad, oh wait a moment...
Lets briefly cover what you learned today.
1. The writer is most certainly fine.
2. Bail lemons are really bad so panic.
3. Destroy the freakin lemons.
4. The lemons make really good jello.
5. You are possibly not stupid.
6. You know how to use money.
7. Watch sales-ponies are evil slimy creatures.
8. All human-ponies live in Ponyville.
9. You have a house, and you know how to buy one.
10. You have some sort of talent.
Remember these are only a few of the many things I'm sure you have learned today, but you must close this section of the guide and move on to the next. In the next section of the guide we will cover taking that special somepony to your new place. Then, we will cover activities and day to day life for real ponies. Lastly, we will cover more things.
So don't panic. Because the guide will return... at a later time.
(This guide is written for the pure enjoyment of writing. Did you like the guide? Why not track it and give it a good rating! Any questions referring to the guide will be answered by mua in the comments below. If you like my stories, or just like to read stuff watch me! In a none creepy way of course...)
(Help point out any mistakes we might have missed! Please point out where you found errors because it's hard to find errors in the guide.) (Next: Love and Mating.) (Thanks for reading!)
This is the next section of the Humans Guide to life in Equestria. By now you should have a paying job, a warm place to sleep, and a general understanding of your new life. That means that the universe has been kind enough to let you live a nice life, up until this point, and that happy life is either about to take a turn for the better, or for the worse. In this section we will cover love and mating. This guide has one rule about love, and what to do about it; here is that rule.
RULE 7: AVOID LOVE AT ALL TIMES... unless it's a one time thing.
Like stated in the rule above, love is evil, stay away from it. The reason this is so is because, when a male and female come together they have babies, and the last thing Equestria needs is a thousand more ponies running around. But we will get back to that at a later time, for now we will discuss pony anatomy, because you can't love or mate if you don't know what is what.
A normal pony consists of many parts such as, legs, a head, hooves, and body. Just like any other creature ponies have a heart, lungs, and other slimy things inside them. The picture below goes into better detail about pony anatomy. Look at the picture down below and get a good look at the amazing, powerful, majestic, cute lovable pony you are. If you do not have any of these qualities then you are not a pony, you are something worse, you are ugly.
As you can see by this picture, it shows all of the nice pieces of a pony. Now, the only thing it doesn't show, are the reproductive organs, and we will call them that instead of their other term because if we do then it will sound like this is done professionally, which it isn't. (But you didn't know that... wait.) As you could tell by looking at this picture that the reproductive organs of a male, and female are not shown. The reason this is so is because if it did show them, then the author would be hunted down by universe... or the publishers... and we wouldn't want that to happen now would we. Speaking of which, Celestia isn't watching at the moment so, if it wouldn't be so hard to unlock the high-tech magical lock that keeps him in his chambers. The code is 111-111-112... or it's just 42-1337-42-66... 7.
We will discuss how to go about doing your thing with another pony of both genders, whether you are a Colt, Filly, Stallion, or Mare. We don't really care. Now, if the guide just told you that we were about to cover how a genders interact than once again it has lied to you. Instead we are going to talk about why you feel love for ponies, because lets face it. You still can't come to terms with yourself even though you have. And yes that is legitimate, trust us, we know.
The reason a human-pony like yourself falls in love is because love is in the air. Did you notice that large purple cloud on Sunday? Well that was love, and yes it's in the air. Your Brain believe it or not has gone under a dramatic change, you thought that it was just your body that was transformed? No, your feelings have as well. If you haven't noticed already you feel slightly more happy then you normally are, this is only the case for 40% of human-ponies, and ponies in general. If you don't feel a little more happier then normal, it's because you hated life and the universe is laughing at you.
whether you a male or female love will come to you at some point and you will have to meet it head on. Or fail miserably and become the laughing stock of the whole town for some reason. at first it might seem wrong to love a pony, after all you used to be a human who liked other humans, but that rule works the same way here. most humans have gotten used to this fact and are happily married to beautiful mares/stallions. (I did it! I made the beginning letters smaller!)
Lets start from the beginning. First let's say you inhale some of love that is hovering over Ponyville, this means you have love sickness. Love sickness means your sick... with love. The only known cure is to buck up and deal with it. So, now that you are in love you need somepony to be in love with. This means you have to find that special somepony. Here are the many types of ponies you will see in the world. (This applies to both males, and females.)
1. The shy type. (They are the most lovable and they are the most cute. *Squee*)
2. The intelligent type. (They usually consist of book worms and ponies with a higher degree of education,they can also be a know-it-all sometimes. This mean that they are more or less difficult to cope with, or not.)
3. The tough energetic sporty type. (These are the kinds of ponies who like to race and do fun awesome things. Of course there are very few ponies who have this personality, pegasi have generally the same personality so it is a good idea to pair with another pagasus if that is the case.)
4.The pink ones. (Parties, they love them... If you want a pony like this, prepare for the ride of your life.)
5. The country ponies. (These ponies are easy going and like the simple life. But if you aren't a hard worker then these ponies aren't for you.)
6. The rich beautiful ponies. (For some reason dragons seem to be fond of these kinds of ponies... they also just so happen to be mares... Come to think of it, why don't dragons like stallions? Is it because they just do or is it sexist... we won't get into that.)
7. The stupid ponies. (The name says it all... you might be in this category... maybe.)
8. The middle ponies. (These ponies are well rounded to anything and are probably the best choice.)
There are many many many more kinds of ponies out there to choose from, but there is just one that will work best for you. This probably a lie, but oh well. As the list gets bigger so does your chances of getting a mate. Now assuming you’re from Earth which by now we can confirm, means you are terrible at girl/boy talk. This means you suck at talking to them. For the sake of your survival we will demonstrate how to ask that special somepony out on a date.
This is a short story thing written by the author when he was eating a bagel, how that is relevant to the issue at hoof is a mystery. For this we will assume you are male. Because 90% of you human-ponies are male. Now please note that if you are part of the Royal Mating Service then skip this right now, or read on for your enjoyment.
Demonstration: You are walking down the street, because you just like to. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and life seems nice for you. Although there are many different ponies all around you, it is nothing you haven't seen before, not counting the fact that you were a human once not to long ago and are now a pony. That is until you see the most beautiful pony ever, your head then explodes, fixes itself, goes to the future and turns into a donut. But in the end it becomes normal again.
She looks at you. (and if it's a he then we'll go into that later.) And soon you both realize that the love in the air has gripped you both and you are in love. At this point you can do one of two things:
1. Mate on the spot and end it.
2.Ask her(once again we will talk about stallions later.) out on a date.
And then there is secret option number three.
3.An arrow to the knee. (Which may or may not render your ability to adventure.)
Since you clearly have no experience with mares(or stallions but that is later, how much later? We can't say.) means your legs feel like Jello, not Bail lemon Jello, more like Melon Jello, but back on topic. You feel amazing, this probably means that love has entered your blood stream and is now making it's way to your brain. Before we go on you must note that love is a creation of the universe which is why it trolls you with love. This means that very few catch love sickness, so those that do not get love sickness must find it on their own which, as stated before means. "It really sucks to be you."
She trots up to you and she starts to talk. Here is a demonstration between a good way to get a date, and a really bad way.
"Hi, I'm Golden Harp, how are you?"
Because you haven't read this guide in this example means this is what you say return.
"I AM MANLY PONY! YOU COME WITH ME, WE MAKE MANY BABIES!"
It is at this time you get hit in the head and are left on the ground unconscious because you are an idiot.
In this example this is the real reality, which means that you are not an idiot, but you may be stupid. In this you have read the guide and you know what to do.
"Hi, I'm Golden Harp, how are you."
"Hi, I'm (*Insert random pony-human name here*) I'm doing fine."
"So what are you doing."
"Oh, well I'm just taking a stroll through town, you know that kind of stuff."
"Yeah, I was on my way to Sugercube Corner."
You take this as a chance to rid yourself of love.
"Well I'm not doing anything right now, so how about I come to?"
She thinks for a moment before answering.
"Sure, maybe we can get to know each other better."
At this time you have a date which means you win, or the universe is going to make it backfire terribly on you.
Congratulations! You now have a date, or a mate. This is only if the date went well for you, know assuming you are not stupid means that it did go well, and that means you have a mate. (Whether it be male for female, we will still assume it is a female.)
Why a female you ask? Well that is a good question. You see the male and female ratio is 4 out of 10. This means for every 10 ponies 4 will be males and 6 will be females. In Equastria the ratio applies to Equestria as a whole, so this means everywhere you go for every 10 ponies 4 will be males. Since this is the case the population doesn’t expand as nearly a much as say the griffin territories, which have a ratio of 5 to 5. So in their country for every 10 griffins 5 will be males, and 5 will be females.
Now that you know how to get a mate let's talk about what kinds of dates one may go on. What we mean by this that are you one who enjoys mares, or stallions. Because you see, sexuality is not criticized in Equestria, which means you can be with whoever you wish.
Here are the list of sexual preferences one may look into.
1. Fillyfoolers. (This term is used for mares/fillies who are together beyond friendship if you catch my drift.)
2. Coltcuddlers. (It is extremely rare to see a stallion/colt that likes another beyond the border of friendship. This is because the ratio does not support enough males, which means 80 to 90% of all males are drawn to mares/fillies.)
3. Normalishness. (This means you like mares, or stallions which depending on you gender may vary. Here is an example: A female likes a male, and a male likes a female.)
4. Bothi's.(We are not sure who came up with this word but it works. It means that you are open to both genders and don't really care because you’re cool like that.)
Which are you? We don't really care, your happiness is your own!... or the universe and love might be controlling it... we're not sure, but you'll find out eventually.
Now comes the best part. Mating. Now, mating with another one of your species. Well saying you are now a pony means this should be 60% less awkward for you... Hopefully. Assuming you’re male, means that we will cover how to mate with another pony.
Depending on how you like to mate also depends on how well you'll do with your... other. If you have gotten this far in life this means that you have been successful in life thus far and must suck up the last remaining humanity you have left and kill it with fire. Not literally, unless it managed to get loose and is now running in the streets like an angry monster, then yes, kill it with fire.
The reproductive system is just the same as any normal mammal, and the author is stalling because he is bored and wants to pass this part so he may keep a teen rating. Your reproductive drive is how much you want to... do things to another pony in a certain amount of time. Mating is a lot like pin the tail on the pony, only you’re pinning something else on the pony... in the hind quarters region... *wink**wink* If the guide just did the wink wink thing then you have just saw something totally random.
Mating for both males, and females is simple, now we're sure that there is another guide which will cover mating in detail. If you are still curious then look for a story with the tags Mature and Sex on them.
Now for a little history on human-ponies and mating situations and how they dealt with the extreme from of awkwardness.
History 4ish: It was long time ago that a race of highly intelligent creatures called Shitheads (Pronounced Shih-thades... or however you like.) got so tired about wondering what the mysteries of love were that they took their best inventors on their planet to build a super computer. (It is unknown as to what a computer is but we don't really care.) This super computer looked like a giant ball that was thinking. Upon it's completion they took the chance to ask it the ultimate question, "Why did love exist, and the secrets to life the universe and everything would be nice too..." and so they asked it. They got the most intelligent child they could think of to ask the all knowing computer thing the question because at the time My little Pony was on, and they had decided to not miss it to and not ask the computer the question. (We are not sure what this show is, or what it is about but these Shitheads like watching it and surprisingly humans do to.) Here is how the conversation between the computer and the children went.
*The odd alien boy thing is passing by his friend.*
"Merlin are you on your way to ask the question to the computer?"
Merlin is the one they chose to ask the computer.
"Yes Arthur, I'm going to ask the computer the stupid question..."
"You know the ponies are on right now right?"
"I know and I hate to miss them, but this is a bi-"
"But Mmeeeerliiiiiiiiin what about the ponies Mmeeeeerliiiiiiin?"
"Stop your complaining! I will ask the computer and no Pink, fluffy, cute ponies will stop me!"
"I hate you."
"I love you too, buddy."
It was then that Merlin went to the computer and asked it the question(s).
"OH GREAT HEAD THAT IS IN THE SHAPE OF A ORBISH BALL THING, ARE YOU READY TO ANSWER ME?"
"Yeppers! Just ask away!"
"THEN WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO LOVE, and to a small extent life and the universe and stuff..."
"Oh! Well that's an easy one!"
"The answer is... It is.... I think it's..... Maybe it could be...."
This lasted for about three days.
"If the cat turned to cheese then maybe it could be... 43!"
He shook his head because he had fallen asleep. "Wha-what? What's the answer?"
"I'm lost... I can't believe the answer to Love and everything is 43!"
"Well it is."
"Why not 42?"
"Pfft, who would use the number 42? That's laaaaame."
It is a well known fact that this story teaches us that everything about love is completely and utterly random. Instead of this example we could have just said most human-ponies just cope with the awkwardness in some way or another, but this example was much more meaningful in, an odd kind of way.
Now this rule is both a rule and an equation. It is the equation at which new life is made.
Rule 8: 2 + 2= 43
This is the equation for new life. You might want to remember this while in the bedroom, or the couch or wherever you decide to do you thing with your other.
A few humans have asked us, "What if ponies have diseases or stuff? Won't I catch it when we’re together?" the answer is no. You see in Equestria sexual diseases don't exist. The reason we know of their existence at all is because you humans ask this question often. Instead the only thing you might catch after matting is regret or shame, because if you aren't feeling that now then you will in 9 or so months.
So be careful while being with your mate, and remember that it can be fun to mate and Love! If your relationship fails however, then there’s always next time, but lets face it, you will probably never get her/him back. But that is because your love was set up by the universe and it hates you, but not totally.
Now 43 is an important number because when you mate that’s how long it takes for your reproductive stuff to become a Foal (and it is in seconds).
So now let us go over how to get a mate through these simple easy steps.
1. Find the one you want.
2. Ask her/him about themselves and get to know them.
3. Don't be creepy.
4. Ask him/ her on a date.
5. Go on a date multiple times.
6. Mate with your partner.
7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 several times. (Although you probably like step 6 the most.)
8. Get married. (Or fail miserably at the relationship and take a trip to the bar.)
9. Win at life, or at least win right now because later you might fail.
Just follow these steps and you should be fine, and if your lucky then you might be gifted with small foals of your own. Then you can teach them to ride a bike, or teach them how to do complex math equations in their head, or you can put a small yellow fish in their ear. Or if you are cruel give them a Bail Lemon, but you’re not that evil... are you?
In all if you treat him/her nicely you two should live a long happy life together. As for the writer, no he doesn't have a special somepony, so he signed up for the Royal Mating Service in the castle as a second job, and trust me it was a great choice.
Treat him/her well, and we will all be happy, which believe it or not is the next rule. This rule applies to all males in Equestria and was made official during the beginning of the stallions rights movement.
Rule 9: Males have the sole purpose of Mating, Guarding, or otherwise doing all of the stuff females don't want to do.
Rule 10: Guys make the sandmiches.
In conclusion we have learned quite a bit today about your new life and how you can get - some. We learned about alien creatures, which I found out existed once Lyra showed me many more of her theories on extra-dimensional beings. We learned a little bit about the parts of a pony, and how to use your mating thing to mate. We learned how to find that special somepony and what to do when talking to them; here is the list of what we covered.
1.Don't panic when talking to the other gender.
2. Shitheads watch ponies, and they are very odd creatures.
3. Human-ponies like to mate... don't we all?
4. You learned how to date, because you used to suck at it.
5. The universe has given you this small beacon of hope.
7. The answer to everything is 2 + 2= 43.
8. You might have come to terms with your new life.
9. Celestia is our supreme leader.
10. Avoid love if possible... unless it's a one time deal.
11. Males make decent sandmiches.
I'm sure you have learned much more, because this section was very informative. But alas we must close this section of the guide because the writer has to tend to his second job. So please, don't panic, because we're only getting started... well maybe, we're not sure. Oh, and please if you are reading this then Celestia has left and you need to not bring me cookies filled with tools to hack into the locking system, and please don't help. I have not received some of your items and I have not been trying to use them.
It is a well know fact that if you say OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, while mating then this guide dispenses a free cookie. And in the next section we will cover day to day life... and you remember all that crazy stuff that we mentioned in the beginning? Well that's where that fits in.
(Whew, I tell you this was a real hard chapter to write! It may not look it, but the changing in moods from serious to goofy is hard, at least for me.... This guide is written for the pure enjoyment of writing. Did you like the guide? Why not track it and give it a good rating! Any questions referring to the guide will be answered by mua in the comments below. If you like my stories, or just like to read stuff watch me! In a none creepy way of course...)
(The picture used in this part of the guide belongs to Sepia Tone, and as such belongs to her.) (Previously: Careers, Talents, and... Lemons.) (Next: Abnormal day to day life...) (Ask questions in the comments below.) (Oh, and point out any mistakes we might have missed!)
Please, stop for a moment. Look at yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished. After all, you have come a long way from being a stupid pony who thinks like a human to a slightly more better smarter pony who more or less thinks like a human. Now, if you haven't noticed already that the title shows what we will discuss in this section of the guide.
As stated above we will cover your normal day to day life which isn't really normal in the sense that it isn't normal but it's normal because it is. Your life has been full of weird stuff, like for instance, you used to be a pony only your a human now... wait... Forget about that bit. The case is weird stuff has happened to you, and you think it's over? No, this is only the beginning, the beginning of a long and weird life...
You see a lot of weird things are in the world in which we live. Having said this means that the town of Ponyville has seen its fair share of weird stuff. In return that means it will happen to you. At this time you can't begin to imagine the horrifying, terrible, unspeakable things that happen in Equestria. So this guide will prepare you for your life ahead of you, though this will not be the last installment of the guide, it will cover a lot of important information.
Some of this information will include how to survive and protect against zombies which may or may not exist, and stuff like that. But since zombie ponies might exist, only means that they probably don't. So, preparing for something like this could be a waste of your time, unless you have a time traveling car that is silver. (Though we are not sure why it's silver, two ponies came here and told us about it. Oddly one was wearing a life jacket and the other some weird clothing...)
You should have the following completed, and learned. If not, then well... it just sucks to be you.
1. You have come to terms with your new self.
2. You should have a general understanding of where you stand.
3. Bail lemons are bad, very bad, so bad that bad stuff happens when you look at them. In fact they are so bad that bad is not a good word for them, so instead we will use the word bad... or terrible, whichever works best.
4.You know what your special talent is and how to make money off it.
5.You learned how to date and find that special somepony.
6.You learned that if you get an arrow in the knee that your ability to adventure might be compromised.
7.This guide sometimes lies in a truthful way.
8.Jello tastes nice.
9. Shitheads are intelligent.
10.You learned more stuff but we need to have at least ten things here because if we don't put more then that it will look unprofessional.
Those are just some of the many things you've learned while reading this guide. Do you feel that warm strong feeling in your chest? Well that might be heartburn, but if it isn't then that's the feeling of accomplishment.
As stated before a lot of freaky things happen, in the town of Ponyville in particular. Since you most likely live in Ponyville means that said freaky stuff might happen to you. So, we will cover and list what to do and not to do in these kinds of situations you may or may not be put in. Because let's face it, you probably have no clue what's really out there.
One of the most common things that might happen on a perfectly normal day in Equestria is the random a random attacking of some kind of monster. It is a well known fact that 93% of creatures love to destroy pony structures for pure enjoyment, or they just need to get some milk and everypony freaks out when they show up. Another common random event is random visitors, for instance in one case a real human, yes a real human woke up in the middle of the Canterlot matting chambers. Of course his transformation occurred several hours later, but he was forever scarred for life. The best thing to do for things like this is to make sure you mate under the covers, this way you can have 64% less awkwardness when they magically appear in your room. And, believe it or not, this happens 19.234677812% of the time. The reason behind this is because the universe can control beings to create or alter the transdemetional barrier that borders our two worlds.
So, just to be safe follow this rule.
Rule 11: Don't panic, just run around in circles till it leaves.
This rule will, without a doubt save your life from the weird stuff the universe has bestowed upon you. However, this method does not apply to one kind of pony. But before we go on you have to understand where we are coming from. What the guide is about to state will forever change the way you look at, life, the universe, and everything. You see, pink ponies have supernatural powers that not even her highness Princess Celestia can comprehend. They can teleport, tell the future, throw amazing parties, and destroy or alter the very fabric of the universe.
It is because of this that the guide has to discuss about such ponies for your own well being. Pink ponies are very bad, stay away from them. And whatever you do, please do not accept the cookie they offer you if they do so. All we can say for those poor, poor souls is that they probably are having a very bad day.
In fact, pink ponies cause 117 disasters on average every year for the past 600 years. Because of this her highness has implemented strange pink pony awareness programs into most of the schools in Equestria. Here is a list of things you should do if you see one. However, if you are in fact a pink pony, please do not take all of our fish. Thank you.
3.Dance while running.
4. Charge your power level for two whole seasons before actually doing something, and hopefully the problem will be gone.
5. If you could not do the last option, then run under a table and count to 4.
5.5.If you can't count to 4 just suck it up and deal with it.
6. Crap yourself and run.
7.Ponder the meaning of existence.
8. Use a Bail lemon.
9.Join in the insanity. (Many of humans enjoy this option a whole lot, mainly because they get party cannons.)
The only exception to this rule is Ponyvilles Pinkie Pie. In fact, she created the program to stop evil pink ponies from terrorizing ponies such as yourself. The oddest part about this all is that they are particularly found of human-ponies, though why is question that may never be answered. Though the most likely reason is because they themselves are the wicked spawn of the universe.
So, in conclusion, it is best to stay away from them. Except for me!
If you don't know already there is a being of pure chaotic energy called Q, but he also goes by Discord. Discord is the god of chaos, and has been the main source of chaos since the earliest time of pony history. Every now and again he comes back from his stony prison to wreak havoc on Equestria. It is because of his reappearances that this guide should inform you of how to deal with the extreme form of randomness he creates in the world when he is about.
Here is a picture of the fiend, and all his weirdness. Look at it carefully, but not too much or your eyes might explode.
The Royal Chaos Management Bureau or the RCmB did not have any pictures of him, so instead somepony drew this while they were starring at muffins. The RCmB has confirmed that eating muffins while singing will in fact save you from any spell he may cast on you. This theory was proven effective when Ditzy Doo, who is the local Mail-Mare, managed to be virtually immune to his chaos while she was both singing and eating a muffin.
Though this section is not particularly long, doesn't mean it's any less important. So watch out for Discord, because he could get you when your guard is down.
Your day today life as you are aware, will consist of normal things like, eating, reading, planting, mining for diamond, and killing dragons and taking their souls. Though the last bit is a little unlikely, but that is perfectly fine if it doesn't bother you.
Now, this is the most important thing to memorize when living life here in our world. But we don't have the resources or the time to tell you, so we'll leave you with a list of common things to look out for on a normal day. It will also list what the best thing to do to help you in that scenario. Please note that these are not in numerical order, so please don't freak out on us.
1. Giant monster/creature from the everfree forest. (Just follow rule 11 and you should be fine.)
2. The Sheen. (These horrible High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlocks can be only killed with purified tiger blood... or bug spray.)
3. The Cutie Poxs. (A flower that is not listed in the Canterlot Archives, but don't worry we're sure you'll get better.)
4. Decapitation. (You're probably not having a good day at the moment. So, it is best to consider how life has treated you up until this point, but seeing the current condition of your head means that life hasn't been that good to you at all.)
5. Parasprites. (Chant a song, or play an instrument and hope they go away.)
6. Watch sales ponies. (Kill it with fire.)
7. The bad thing that does bad things to ponies when nopony is looking. (...We can't say how to combat this or if it even exists.)
8. Muggers. (Use the guide as a weapon, and just so you know the cover is made with enchanted steel, so a good whack to the old noggin should stop them.)
9. Dragons. (Arrows... lots of arrows, or a Fluttershy. And if you use arrows aim for the chin or the knee.)
10. A Mega-Spell. (Run for your life, flee the country, and never look back.)
These, just like many other lists the guide has shown you, does not list all of the bad things that one might experience here. No, there are far too many things to list in this humble guide to your new life. But these are some of the most common.
Now assuming you've been here for some time now means you might have heard ponies in the street singing randomly. I mean that's normal if some ponies break into song every now and again, but as a pony of this world you must be prepared to sing when a town decides to sing or else... The penalty for failing to sing properly during random song time is 64 days on the moon.
For instance, if you sing like a cow giving birth to a dying cat, that has the four heads that are conveniently garden gnomes, then you'll probably get sent to the moon for 128 days. Who sends you to the moon you ask? Why our gentle, kind, loving... blessed, almighty, great, supreme... leader, Princess Celestia. (Who is still holding me captive... I have told you for some time now that I'm in Canterlot, but the reality is I'm not quite sure where I am... Please rescue me...)
Celestia and her younger sister Luna, make sure that everypony sings when a song has started. Failing to sing to their standards results in, well you know already what happens. So for your own survival practice singing whenever you can. Practice in the shower, in the tub, while mating with you other, while singing, or in the rain. It doesn't matter when or where just make sure you have decent voice when you join in on the song. Though oddly you should naturally know the lyrics to the song even though you have never heard said song ever in your life. (Or new life, but we're sure it's both.) This is a natural chemical in the brain that recognizes pony music, because singing is in your blood. So the lyrics to any random song should come naturally.
Please remember this simple rule while joining the chorus.
Rule 12: Singing your little heart out. But, make sure you pick it up off the floor once you're done singing. Because scientific studies say that hearts that have left your chest cavity for too long might result in death.
Now, if you look up into the sky on any normal Tuesday you will see a giant, or rather several giant ominous dark shapes in the sky. These are the Aquarians. They are a high-tech race of dolphins that found our tiny planet some 700 years ago. The reason we are informing you about these creatures is because they are literally pointing a big, hurtful weapon thing at our planet. The only thing stopping them from killing us all is the infamous Doodle Twists. What are Doodle Twists you might ask? Well stay still and we'll tell you.
History 5: Long ago, during the earlier days of Equestria. Many ponies believed in a religion called Fishism. The belief was that the whole universe was a giant ocean and they were sea-ponies. Now, the giant fish in the sky chose who lived and who died. So every Tuesday they would catch a lot of fish and burn them to piss off their god. Because they weren't totally sure if it was real, so they killed fish in hopes that it would piss it off and come down to them. This method didn't work... at all. But then a small light appeared and a dolphin came out of the ship. Out of pure terror and panic the ponies started throwing lemons at the aliens. Outraged, the Aquarian brought back his friends to kick their pony flanks. You would think that all life as we know it would be gone right? Wrong, instead the ponies had a secret weapon, which are known as the Doodle Twists.
Doodle Twists are golden pretzel like things that possess magical and unworldly properties. It just so happens that the Doodle Twists are the only weakness to the Aquarians. So Princess Celestia decreed that all cities, towns, and settlements have at least one with them at all times. The Doodle Twists are a item that naturally repels energy of the universe, so all the freaky stuff can't get to you if you have one. Unfortunately there are only 222 of them in the whole world.
They were made when a pony called Apple Twist, decided his invention of golden pretzels would make evrypony happy. Ponies who tasted the magical pretzels gain mystical powers, though it is unclear as to where, or why the power of these things are so powerful. The most likely reason is that the chemical X he put in them did something.
So, here is the conversation between the Princess and Apple Twist and how the Doodle Twists came into being what they are now.
"You called your majesty!"
"Yes Apple tart, I need your help des-"
"Oh, I'm sorry Apple Twist. Right?"
"Anyway, have you completed the secret weapons yet?"
"Yes your majesty and I even put sugar on one of them."
"...Okay... That's good... When can I expect the first shipment."
"Twelve days, or so."
"Good...." It was at this time that she started laughing maniacally. "I WILL DESTROY THEM! WITH THESE AT MY DISPOSAL THERE SHALL BE NO HOPE FOR THEM!"
"Um, I hate to interupt. But why don't we use the orbital rainbow cannons?"
"Apple Twist, shut up. I can freakin kill you right now if I wanted too."
It was then that he pissed himself, and he went to make more Doodle Twists. Though the Aquatic mammal menace is stopped for now, this doesn't mean they won't try conquering our world. And that is where children come from. Moral of the story, don't piss Celestia off. Oh, and the most effective means of protection against most supernatural things is with Doodle Twists. Unfortunately, there are only 200ish Doodle Twists out in the world so your chances of getting one are very very very slim.
That is how Doodle Twists became the very thing we know and love today. Though you probably need to think twice before eating them, because they have been known to cause indigestion and heartburn... or accomplishment.
Now you might be wondering, what can one do if my home and loved ones are threatened? There are few if any real things you can do to help them in an emergency. But you can do a few things that may, or may not help.
1. In case of parasprites: Have a instrument on hand and make sure they can't get in. (We're not sure what a hand is but most humans seem to miss them.)
2. In case of creepers: Don't stand one block away and don't leave the door open.(?)
3. In case of Pink Ponies: Deal with it or die a party animal.
4. In case of ponies attacking your house: Go into the corner, get into the fetal position and pray somepony helps you because they are probably laughing at your inability to defend your home.
5. In case of dragons: You might want to talk to Flutterkin the Dragonborn. She might be able to help you and your loved ones because she's... nice. (Though we are 20% sure she doesn’t have any relations to dragons in any way.)
6. In case of those door to door sales ponies, like Filly Mayes, then get some money and through it into a fire. This should either do one of two things. 1. It might enrage it. 2. It could drive it away. Though we are sure the first answer is the most likely so it's best if you don't do anything and wait till it leaves.
Though we might not have mentioned the many more things you may encounter, most human-ponies have found that finding their own solutions work the best. And it also depends if you live in Ponyville or not, but we're sure you live in Ponyville.
This concludes this section of the guide for now. Now, as always we will recap what we learned. Though this time we will do it in paragraph form, because lists are becoming overused and they are threatening to sue us. Though that would be hard to do seeing as the writer is trying to find out where exactly he is so he can get help.
Today you learned: How to defend your home, from weird things. How to fend off the power of the universe using Doodle Twists. You learned about the Aquarians and their plans for world conquest. Q, you learned about him, or rather, you learned about Discord. We learned that the writer is not in the canterlot tower. You learned that Celestia does not handle her temper well. You also learned about things we've learned about in the past.
Well that concludes what we've learned... well not really all but we'll come back to this at a later time.
(Next: Famous ponies, and how to become well known, and communication.) (Previous: Love and Mating.)
(The image used in the guide was done by Metallica1147, and the image rightfully belongs to him.)
(AN: What did you like about this chapter? Was it good? Probably... Well anyway, thanks for reading! Oh and thanks to all of you who generously helped proofread. I know this was a long wait but you can't rush genius... well if that's what you're going to call it anyway... So, leave a like, and if you really liked it then say so in the comments. If you have questions about the guide then ask below, I'll be sure to answer them the best I can.)
Many pony-humans, if you haven't noticed already, are famous, popular, or whatever you kids think these days. A lot of ponies look up to you as a symbol of hope and power, especially in dark times. Though, if you wait a few hours, the sun should rise and the dark times should end. Never the less, you are a pony-human who needs a piece of the world for your own! So, as a guide to your life, this will help you on your way to becoming popular in your new home.
Equestria is a land filled with multiple opportunities, whether they be good or bad. Legal or not. It's up to you. Though many pony-humans use their own understanding to make life here very much like the way life was back on your world. For instance, one pony-human named Daniel or something, went over and made an oil drilling company. For a time this made him very popular, but once the rigs exploded he was hunted down by the state because he was a bad pony and deserved to die a horrible death... well not really, but you get the point.
Another famous pony made her way to becoming well known buy selling watches. This of course lead to one thing, and one guide whacking later and she is as good as new. Now she's known as, "That stupid pony-human who sold watches and didn't listen to the guide because she was stupid." If you're the clever, good pony, we assume you are then you won't have to worry about getting a title like that.
Though a lot of pony-humans just put their special talent to good use, and make themselves known that way. But they also follow this simple rule:
Rule 13: Talents are useful, so use it or be shunned.
You just saw the word shunned. Shunned is what happens when pony-humans can't get their lives together and become complete, and total rejects to society. Here is a simple list of things not to do when trying to get well known.
1. Don't be careless, or you will fail.
2.Don't get shunned, or you will fail.
3.Don't get cocky, in a non-sexual way of course... unless that's what you're doing to get popular. Or you will fail.
4.Don't sell watches, or you will fail.(We've wrote it in big red letters so you can see them more clearly.)
5.Don't think, "Derp, derp! I'm a smart pony and I'm going to makes lots of monies off of random stuff!" This will get you shunned... and you will fail.
There are probably more things one can do to screw them in the flank, but we can't really think of something at the moment. Oh and while we're on the topic of thinking, I have located where I have been relocated. It turns out that I'm in Stalliongrad, though why I'm here is- and the guide will ensure your safety... okay they're not looking. Help me...
Please note that, using your natural abilities will help you in the world. Depending on your subspecies you can do a variety of things that others cannot. For instance, if you're a pegasus you might want to join the Wonder Bolts and become the greatest on their team of fantastic flyers. Or if you're a unicorn then you can do magic like a wizard pony, because you really want to be like Daniel Radcolt. And if you're an earth pony then you can become a famous guard, or rodeo star and so on. But becoming the latest Play-Buck star is probably the best thing for females... or not.
So, this guide will cover each subspecies and its abilities so you can use them to your advantage in the world.
Pegasus ponies are the most common pony-humans. We're not sure why, but they just are. As for their special talents they can fly, trott and walk on clouds, and most importantly they can be awesome. The other two are completely and utterly irrelevant, just focus on the last one. Pegasus can ultimately control weather in clouds, like if you buck a normal cloud it can become a storm cloud. This is especially useful for pranks, and other stuff but mainly pranks.
This is a small amount of things one can do as a pegasus. They, above all this have a powerful mating drive. It is unknown why, but they do and it is both a good and bad thing. But that is besides the point. You can use this factor to your advantage by joining the Royal Mating Service! For those of you who can't find that special somepony this is a good way to become famous, and it has a lot of benefits... or that's what they told the writer.
Here is a small list of what a pegasus is good at, but first look at this simple rule:
Rule 14: Pegasi are awesome ponies, but they are very limited on major accomplishments. Why? because the universe said so, rule 1.
The pegasi are unique are amazing ponies. Though there might be a lot of things which will result in you failing, doesn't mean you are destined to a life of pain and suffering. No, that is only for the stupid ponies.
As a Pegasus, you can do a wide variety of things, and the sky is literally the limit. Here is a few more notable things one can do as a Pegasus to become godlike... in a small way.
1.Join the Wonderbolts! (The Wonderbolts are a special team of Pegasi that do amazing flying feats. Though if you are a pie then the Wonderbolt, Soarin, will eat you in a survival situation.)
2.Join the Weather team! (These brave Pegasi travel around Equestria and buck clouds, and make it rain on you when you're eating the perfect sandwich that your mate had made for you. The reason they do this is because, well... because it's funny. But you should join the crew because it's fun to mess with ponies that can't fly, unless it's your ground borne mother. Then it's not okay.)
2.5 In the unlikely event your mother is in Equestria too. (Fly. Flap your little pony-human wings till you can't fly no more. And pray, because the mighty fish god might help you if you throw lemons into a pit. Though besides this, there is nothing more you can do.)
3. Swag. (The pony Rainbow Dash invented this method of becoming cool and popular. Since she is for some reason admired by all you humans her teachings of the way Swag have become... how would she say it... awesome.)
4.Nyan. (A human, though their name is unkown, came up with this ultimate jaw dropper. He/she invented a way to blast rainbows out of your end while flying through the air. Unfortunately only 2 out of 7000 Pegasi have this ability. So if you want to Nyan, you're going to need to practice... a lot. Because if you look at it the odds of a rainbow coming out of your end are highly unlikely. Then again the world is filled with aliens, monsters, and a trolling universe.)
5.Fly? (Other than flying we're not sure what else one can do. But, if you are having a hard time finding something to be proud of talk to Dr. Filleh. She should help you, M'kay.)
The best thing to do is just be yourself! Do what you think the world would enjoy, and you too can win at life... but stupid ponies already lost, and if you are stupid, then no. You will never win.
Unicorns are mystical ponies, and from what we have gathered they are the second most popular pony humans, like yourself, to become. Though that is beside the point. Unicorns have, as you probably already know, a horn. This horn is filled with a substance called alicorn. Alicorn, if applied to your coat, will cause you to grow corn in vast amounts, this is a normal reaction to the raw substance. Oranges, and jello can also be grown on oneself if alicorn is applied. But, be careful alicorn is a powerful substance and with great power comes, great fun. That may or may not harm you in a terrible way. But it will be worth it in the end. For your own safety however, please avoid breaking your horn and spreading alicorn on oneself.
Now, the more potent the alicorn is in one's horn the more powerful your magic will be. This is how one like yourself can become a well-known pony. In fact, there is a school called, Princess Celestia's school of witchcr- we mean, for gifted and talented unicorns. Not the stupid ones, those go to another school. And, depending on the pony you may, or may not be legible for that school.
Our very own Twilight Sparkle, who is the princesses favorite student, is famous throughout Equestria. Why? Because she's good at magic, and fanfiction. We're not sure what fanfiction is, but we'll find out later.
One thing many unicorns can do to get recognized is, well, do magic. You can do a whole variety of things! In fact, unicorns are the most powerful ponies in Equestria, next to Alicorns of course. Being such powerful creatures one must know what not to do, and to do when trying to become a great magic user.
1. Don't use your magic to bring back the dead. (Of course if you're the kind of pony that liked to chew bubblegum and kick flank, but are all out of kick flank then go ahead... wait a moment.)
2. Don't use your magic to piss off chickens. (The wild scootalookins will descend upon you faster then you can blink. Of course if you are slow blinker, then you have nothing to worry about.)
3. Don't build robots with magic. (This way you don't have to use a metal cog to go back in time and use a fish to kill yourself to stop the past which kills the future.)
34. Don't use your magic to make ponies go into shipping crates. (When humans told us about these, many ponies found it odd you ship ponies in boxes and crates. Really, what were you thinking?)
5. Don't turn your gender backwards. (... You'll find out. [do not try at home unless your home is made of steel then it's okay.])
As a magic user a whole variety of things could go wrong, and we know for a fact there is another guide just like it any known library. Though the title escapes us every time.
History 6: Despite the amazing literary capabilities unicorns possess there is one thing unicorns must never do. And as a noble citizen of this proud land you must never... Never never never write or read poetry. Unicorns can not write poetry. We mean this quite literally, and please take this seriously. In fact the last time a unicorn read poetry it caused the genocide of nearly 200,000 ponies. Only three managed to barely survive the horrible incident. One only managed to survive by gnawing his own leg off. The other two were unicorns, this is how they survived.
They both ripped their own horns off and sprinkled alicorn all over their bodies which caused corn to sprout on them. They then ate the corn off their bodies to survive because their flanks were melted into the floor. This lasted for several months before they were finally able to break free. In this time they successfully started a corn company, that provides the best corn in Equestria.
So, lesson of the story. Never write, or read poetry if you are a unicorn, and if you do, please remember this rule. Because if you don't then you really are a evil pony.
Rule 14: Unicorns write the worst poetry, ever. Never hear or look at unicorn poetry. ever.
Though besides the fact you can't write poetry then you can just learn magic and benefit the rest of the world. (Unless you were a poet in your former life, then it really sucks to be you.)
Earth ponies are a mellow well going race. They strive to be the best they can be peacefully, or with really big weapons. Though they do not have the ability to fly or use magic they are hard working, and possess a strength that no other kind of pony has. Earth ponies have a very strange name. You see, the name Earth, is from the old poneh language Urf, and it slowly developed into Earth. Though we didn't know that humans came from a world named just like it till after Timothy came zooming out of the sky like the freaky alien-boy-pony we all know and love.
Back to topic. Earth ponies have a wonderful ability to grow foods. From vegetables to fruits, they can grow them all. In fact Several of our more recent arrivals such as yourself have made plenty of large crop companies. Such as: Cherry Mango inc. Bubba Gump Gummy shrimp Co. And other companies like those. Of course each one of them are run, operated, and funded by earth ponies.
It is a popular and totally odd coincidence that 79% of all earth pony humans who go into business become extremely wealthy. So wealthy that they make a lot of money, and we mean a lot. But even as an Earth pony you have flaws... so many flaws... and so the list below tells you in detail the flaws you have.
1. Don't sell Bail lemons.
2. Don't grow Bail lemons. (We don't know how you humans have been able to do it, but you have.)
3. Don't try and give them to your mate as a pet by drawing a happy little face on it. (This has nothing to do with becoming popular, but it is important because if you give it to your mate... you will fail.)
4. Don't mate with all the ponies you see, just some of them. (Earth ponies have a powerful, if not scary, mating drive.)
If you haven't already noticed most of these involve ponies and bail lemons. The reason this is so is because Earth ponies love to mess with them. We're not sure why, but they do. Which may or may not be the reason a lot of humans don't live very long in Equestria when they're Earth ponies.
But as long as you don't do any of those things you should have a fairly easy time earning your place in Equestria. Or you could put that powerful mating drive to use and join the royal matting service! But only if you're a pure white stallion, because mating in this service demands only the most pure white royal stallions... we're not poniest, if that is even a word.
For Alicorns... you exist. That is all you need to do. Nothing more, nothing less. Your existence is enough.
There is not much we can say on them, other then the fact that the princesses dislike them. So it's best you stay in hiding till somepony finds you and takes you in. For example an alicorn baby was found in a metal egg-like thing by the Clarks. They took him in, and raised him and they live happily somewhere out there in the wide, wide world.
One thing we can say about alicorns, is that the universe really likes to send its space monkeys after them. But they usually die before a decent alicorn-human can be found.
But the one thing most humans will tell you if asked is to just go with it. In fact, being popular is the last thing you have to worry about. With all the freaky things, and taking care of your mate you really don't have time for such things. Unless of course you like that kind of thing.
But for most of those humans who can't really get in touch with their more legal down to Equestria type self you could always go on an adventure. After all, Equestria's nickname is the Beef Capital of the world... wait a moment, maybe it was sexualy awkward capital of the world. We're not sure, but adventure is out there!
There are exactly several hundred undiscovered tombs/temples that have yet to be discovered. Usually ponies find friends or other things to go on their journey with them. Like one human-pony named Fin took his dog Marcus with him on his quest across the world. But with the discovery of new places comes with fame, fortune, and cookies. But mainly cookies. (Speaking of which one of you gave me a cookie with a grenade in it... It was a dud, and I might need another to help my escape. Speaking of which I have never used one, again... how do I use it? It's a human thing, and wait... what does this pin do? Let me... Buck!)
As a pony of humanness, you have tons of curiosity, and with that comes a sense of adventure. So naturally, with your new form, you should be cut out for this. With the fame adventure brings, it will also make you wealthy, which in return will benefit your new life.
Here is another, of the many lists of stuff we will show you throughout the guide. This is a list of all the different kinds of adventures one may go on to obtain maximum popularity and satisfaction with life.
1. An adventure in the high seas! (Arg, ye see dead sea ponies, for they tell no tales...)
2. Adventure Adventure! (What time is it?!)
3. The adventure which involves awkward pony hugging. (Believe it or not, this is the most effective, and horrifying way to get noticed. You will suffer from squee for a week.)
4. Adventure across the desert. (Travel to lands with magic carpets, and sand ponies! But, beware they like to sell watches there.)
5. An adventure through time. (Just take that shiny car-thing and travel to the future, but make sure you don't forget your life jacket.)
6. One that involves you slaying dragons. (If you attempt this please do not harm the tiny dragon Spike. He is harmless, more or less so. Having said this means if you plan to slay him, please wait a minimum of 700 years before trying.)
7. Adventure is magic. (That is a lie, though you will need magic in your travels.)
8. Adventure with the Elements of Harmony. ( This is by far the most common, and popular ways humans love to get recognized. Though due to the large amount of recent popularity the elements only draw numbers to see who will go with them on their adventures.)
9. A quest for the grail. (The mythical Grail of Lemon. Few have tried, and all have failed. Maybe you could be the first to find it.)
10. Space. (It's big.)
Though the best quest is the one of life. Which you've got another shot at because you failed your last one. So with all the options out there don't stress yourself on what you can or can't do, rather, ask yourself why you should and will it make me happy. Of course spending time with the Elements will be fun, and having wealth and power is cool too, but none of that matters if your not happy. So, as a guide to your new life follow this rule to becoming happy with yourself, and the true key to becoming popular.
Rule 15: Do what feels right, and makes you happy.
This is what will make the difference. Though if you find out who you are as a pony you should have no trouble finding a way to become the next big thing! Just go out there and try dang it! I just wish I could find a way out of here... then maybe I could have fun for once... Oh well back to work on esca- blah blah blah guide stuff... okay they're not looking again, please send more things, I'm about free... I think...
Let us recap on what you have learned in this section. If by some odd chance you didn't learn anything you might have a slight case of brain damage. Don't worry, this is normal... for some ponies at least.
1. You learned about all the types of things one can do as a pony, and use them to your advantage... more or less.
2. You learned that if you are a unicorn, were a unicorn, or are thinking of becoming a unicorn do not read or write poetry. Let's read that again, DO NOT WRITE POETRY OR CELESTIA HELP US ALL. Okay I think the message is through.
3. You learned that if you are an Earth pony you mate extremely well. (Same goes for a pegasus.)
4. Humans like to sell Bail Lemons. (Probably because they tried to eat them or something...)
5. The world is an open place for you to find your place in it!
Though, like always, we are sure you learned more about the universe and your new life. But, like most things, we must close this section of the guide and move to the next section. Because, believe it or not you have still more things to learn before you’re 100% ready to brave the world confidently.
But just because you live in a land were weird stuff roams, and the universe wants to mess with you, it doesn't mean we don't have rules, and things one can do to enforce those rules. In fact, that is probably a good idea, because you don't want to be waving your master sword around and have a guard stop you... because that, my friend, would mean you are stupid, which we assume you're not.
So long, and fish for all the thanks... wait.
(Next: Halt criminal scum!) This will be a cool chapter, but you need to wait and see what it is.) (Previously: Abnormal Day to day life.)
(AN: Well, this chapter took waaaaaay shorter to write, but let me tell you it sure was fun! And though the proof reading was a little slow it was all good in the end. Anywho, tell me what you thought! Leave a comment, a like, a fav if it doesn't hurt. Oh, and a very big shout out to all of who really like the guide, and without your support I really would have hard time doing this. So, thanks!)
Muffin... or ultrasponge whichever you want to call him.
"It is a popular fact, that not everything is as it seems."
A famous pony once said this, though we don't remember which famous pony it was because you all followed the last section and are now one of the many humans we all know about. Though we will take you almost out of the equation for this section, because in this section, we will cover the many laws in Equestria.
"Wait, hold it. There are laws here?" is what you might be thinking. And, despite popular belief, there are. Quite a lot actually, and as a guide to your life it is imperative you know most of the basic and most sacred laws of Equestria. But before we cover the laws we have a special message for Alicorns. This is written word by word from the Big Book of Magic Equestrian Laws: "If thou is of Alicorn nature thou can onlith(?) be punished by being sent to the moon for 9345 million years. In addition, you will be sent to the moon of despair. Tis a moon with moreith dispairith then thy other moon thy planet has."
Basically it states that if you are an Alicorn then you have no future and you are stupid (Those were Celestia's personal words.). If however you are not, then you should be fine. But for those of you reading this guide that are in fact, an Alicorn, our best piece of advice is to hide, and never come out.
If you do have wings and a horn means you might be an Alicorn. "Might?" you ask. Well let us explain before moving forward. You see a Alicorn is of all the races of ponies, however there are a few who only have the traits of two. Like Prince Blueblood and Princess Cadance. The prince has the traits of both a unicorn and earth pony, while Cadance has the traits of a unicorn and a pegasus. (Wait, but if she looks like one, then how come they know she's not a real Alicorn.) Why that's simple, because they're are made of rainbows, and kitten donuts. Well, sort of.
Below we have a list of the few major rules all of Equestria goes by. Please note that some places have different laws than others, and as such may result in different punishments for different crimes.
1. Do not steal.
2. Do not sing terribly during random song time.
3. Do not anger Celestia our goddess.
4. Do not piss off a kitten. (This law was made shortly after twelve ponies were found with their.. well... It's best we don't say what happened.)
5. Do NOT be an Alicorn.
6. Do not be insane.
7. Do not listen to insane ponies or you too will become insane.
8. Wubs are restricted to certain places, like your house or a quiet area.
9. No taunting the guards or violating their mothers.
10. Obey the laws above.
These laws are some of the most easy and basic rules one should follow. Almost everypony knows that the penalty for committing one of these crimes can result in... bad things. We are not sure as to what kind of bad things, but they are probably very bad. So it is probably best to stick to these rules for your own well being, and to be on the safe side.
Now you might be asking yourself who are these mystical ponies who protect the law and shout, "Halt criminal scum! You violated a pony with your eyes. You should be ashamed." Well these ponies are the Equestrian Guard. Please do not get them confused for the Canterlot Royal Guard. Because unlike the high class soldiers of Canterlot, the normal guards have better feelings than their royal counterparts. And if you are asking, yes you must be soulless to be a royal guard. However the normal guards do have souls which if we knew why the royal guards had no soul then we might know a little more about the universe then we already do. But beside that, we know that the universe hates you, but not totally. That is a fact.
As stated above guards regulate law and order throughout Equestria and as such are charged with the duty of protecting her majesties ponies from eeeeeevil. Like how the robot police protect our normal citizens from robots, because at any time a robot could strike.
Though if you are not a robot please follow this rule:
Rule 15: All robots should be reported to the local authorities or be... shunned.
And as a citizen of Equestria, being shunned is one of the worst punishments of all. But we have heard of worse punishments, that is from you humans at least. One human told us that the punishment for stealing in one city is a banana in your ear, oddly most humans that have reported this (one human) have turned into unicorns.
Back on topic. We covered some of the most basic laws above, but what about the other important laws? Well we are about get to that. But before we go into the subject we need to take a moment of silence for those with no souls, like robots and the royal guard.
| | | | | |
That is enough, they just don't have souls so it's not a real big deal. Though if you are a guard then please do not take offence to this. If you are a guard though, you probably won't care.
As said above we will discuss more laws there are, and what guards look for and how to avoid... shunning... ness. Or worse, the banana... Please note that the following laws are restricted to certain cities so not all of them may affect you. However these laws are found in most cities so more then likely they do.
(We will also cover their punishments.)
1. Staring at a pony that is pink. (If you do so 1 of two things will happen: 1. Your eyes will explode. 2. You will puke a rainbow. Laws have been placed from staring at such ponies to stop you from certain destruction.)
3. Failing the flight exam. (Only for pegasi, because if you fail you get a pizza party, and there might be cookies and punch by the door.)
4. Killing massive amounts of ponies using a notebook. (We all know how this ends... and if you don't then don't try to find out.)
5. Being a unicorn and pretending to be a carrot. (Honestly what is wrong with you? The law was placed because some ponies thought it was a good idea to be a carrot. As a result many suffered from stiffness and derped eyes.)
6. Using the guide to sell watches. (We're not even sure how that works, but the punishment is a boot to the head.)
7. Eating the glowing green stuff you found in your restroom one day. (Eating this can cause the following: Headache, swelling in the body, an obsession with jelly, hallucination, death, and derped eyes. As such the law prohibits ponies from eating such goo, the punishment for eating this is... well lets just say you won't be able to use the restroom any time soon.)
8. Running with scissors. (You'll lose an eye or two, and that is a punishment on its own.)
Now that you are aware of more laws we have here in our brave society it's time to cover small things most ponies miss when they walk around Equestria. What we mean by this is when you see a guard and he looks at you oddly like, you are doing something wrong and you might not even know you are. Like how I'm trapped though I have not done anything wrong, and well the rest speaks for itself.
History 7: One day a colt named Mooor (with three o's) was walking along in the town of Coltshire. One day as he was walking he saw a guard with a basket on his head, out of curiosity he was drawn to the guard. Why? We will never know. Though what he did next will alter the laws we live by forever. What he did was go up to him and take all the items around the guard. But before the last item was taken the basket fell off the guards head. He saw him stealing and shot him with his laser eyes. This is how the rule was made, and law you will see below.
Rule 16: Don't put baskets on guards heads, because the baskets find it rude.
You see here are some things you shouldn't do around a guard in the case of just walking around. This will prevent your death by lasers, though they shoot like stormtroopers so you don't have to worry a whole lot if you get caught. (Speaking of which, what is a “stormtrooper”? Humans seem to have used this as an insult in some instances and we have yet to figure out what it means.)
1. Do not stare at guards. (Or you too will become soulless.)
2. Do not mate on the street. (Why would you do this? The only reason we can think of is because you might be stupid.)
3. Do not take chickens and shoot them with tomatoes... in public at least.
4. Do not mount another pony like they’re an animal. (Several humans do this for entertainment. Why? We will never know.)
5. Do not trot with a melon on your head.
You might be thinking, "These can't be real laws and things ponies do So why are you telling me about them?" Well, we are sorry to disappoint you, but these are rather common. In some cities it has become tradition to screw with the Guards. Which is why in the city of New Pegasus there is a Lets screw with the guards day.
As stated above, not everything is as it seems. In this case that is true... ish.
But just as there are many kinds of ponies there are also laws for certain types of ponies. For example, there are laws restricting a pegasus pony from using lighting on the elderly. Or laws prohibiting unicorn ponies from street jousting with their horns or in any kind of public area. Though as nice as those things are to watch they are in fact illegal, and as such means you could get caught and your life would suck more.
But the only kind of pony you have to look out for is the robot ponies. They have no souls, no emotions, and they think they are ponies. Come to think of it, guards fit that description well... you are going to have to be careful in the world. Even more so with all the robot ponies around.
In fact a small underground war was started 500 years ago between the pink ponies and the robot ponies. The pink ponies use their powers to help stop the robot ponies, though this is irrelevant it is good to have this knowledge with you.
Back on topic. Even though you might be new to your life doesn't mean the guards won't treat you like any other normal criminal. Even if you are a pony with four wings, three horns, and a towel. So, to help you we will go over a brief list of major laws set to specific kinds of ponies.
(Please note, the laws in each list affect the ponies only in that list.)
1. Do not wear silly hats on serious days.
2. Do not try to jump off the side of a building using a chicken.
3. Do not try to practice magic, that's why we have alchemy.
4. Do not, [Buy some apples!] in public. (What? We really mean do not buy apples in an obscure matter. What did you think we meant?)
5. Don't be shunned.
1. Don't try and bring your friends to Equestria via magic. (You dare incur the wrath of the chocolate apocalypse?)
2. Do not use your horn as a tool of evil. (Because evil is bad, and bad is bad.)
3. Do not try and prevent the universe from using you. (This will result in decapitation... or in other words, you will become a lemon.)
4. Never divide 0 with cheese. As a pony we hope you follow this because the last pony who did turned into a cart.
5. Don't be shunned.
1. Do not eat a banana in an obscure manner. (This could cause pony aids.)
2. Do not do the following: Kill, destroy, or swag. (The last one doesn't make sense but it's banned in 2 cities... come to think of it we are not sure why.)
3. Do not try and remove your wings with a piece of paper that is made of silk.
4. You, as a pegasus, are limited to only 2 children per couple due to overpopulation. (This law is active in all cities, states, and provinces throughout Equestria. Except Ponyville.)
5. Don't be shunned.
Though we could go on and on about the various different laws in Equestria, we are absolutely sure you can find a book on all the laws and codes our society lives by. Because if we did describe them all that would take 12 years, 11 months, 5 weeks, 3 days, 21 hours, and 32 seconds. Though that is for the main Canterlot province. (If you wonder about crime here in Equestria you now know why it is almost nonexistent here.)
So this section of the guide is closing once more. A tragedy we know. But hey! You can just re-read it again right? And in our next section we will cover the most odd humans that have entered this land, and we don't mean just ponies! We will cover the poor, poor humans that have been given scales, claws, fur, and paws. Yes those kinds of humans, and since there are humans like them out there it is only fair we make a section dedicated to... Pie ponies. (That is the name the government gave them...)
So long, and pony on.
(Next: Pie ponies.) (Previous: Becoming popular because you're cool like that.)
Spark of inspiration
(AN: Sorry if this was a shorter chapter I had a lot of trouble writing this one. Mainly because I found the subject to be hard to work with and my constant trips I have been making. Though the next section should be longer because I could go on and on and on with it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you are a fan of Echo the Diamond dog or stories about human changelings and so on you will love the next chapter.
Well anyway thanks! Did you like the guide? Why not give it a like! Loved it? How about a fav! Every fav boosts my moral and it really helps me out. Leave a comment about what you liked in this section of the guide, and point out any mistakes me or my proofreaders missed!)
Like most things the universe does, it likes to screw with everything. Whether it be our lives, health, mental stability, or just all around lives, it likes to mess with it. The same goes for when a human enters our physical plane and turns into a pony. On the rare and usually very uncommon chance a human does not always turn into a pony. And so for all of those humans out there who are in fact reading this, please know that we have not forgotten you. In fact this whole section of the guide will be dedicated to you and your existence. Because you are Pie pony.
Before we move on, you might be asking yourself, "What is a Pie Pony? And why do you call them that?" Well that is a very good question. The most popular theory as to how pie ponies got their name was because the first "non-pony" had a pie with her when she came to our land. Others believe it is because if you put all the different kinds of human-pony-things on a pie chart then you might explode, because lets face it, who likes pie charts and math anyway? But with that aside, if you do place the many different kinds of human-pony-things on a pie chart then you get a whole mixture of different kinds of ponies, which is the government's reason for the name. Though most like the idea with the first Pie Pony with the pie more.
Pie ponies come in all different kinds of flavors (no pun intended) and by this we mean humans have come here in a variety of different shapes, sizes, and races. For instance, it is believed a human was transformed into a tortoise, though the magical scientific community disbelieves this theory, but they don't think it is improbable after all we live in a world filled with magic, monsters, and a whole lot of freaky stuff.
Here is a list of the many different Pie ponies you could be. Please note that if you are in fact not a pie pony keep reading, because this is a guide for you, and if you don't read it all you will fail at life here. So for your own well being and for the sake of all that is sugar and spice and everything nice please don't be a dumb pony. Read on.
Rule 17: Pie ponies are mysterious, tasty, and overall delicious. So if you are a Pie Pony stay away from Parasprites, they will eat you.
Pie Ponies 101
1.Zebras: These are the most common races humans have turned into, next to ponies of course. Though some rare "Pegasus Zebras" have been found as well, though the likelihood of you being one is about 3.141592653589 to 1,000,000. And believe it or not that is very rare, but if you are by some odd chance a Zebra or Pegasus Zebra, please don't use the odd voodoo dolls on me, and if so please use them to help me.
2.Donkeys: Like Zebras they are rare, in fact all of these races are rare for humans to turn into. Though most donkey-humans hide in the shadows and eat other ponies lawns. Why? We are not sure, not enough human-donkeys are found to understand the odd nature of such majestic and troublesome creatures... who are the donkey-humans.
3.Dragons: Three humans have been reported by the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. and to our surprise they allowed adventurers to gather information about them. What they told us was that if you preheat a pony at 10,000 degrees it will turn to ash. This of course was not the best information, but we do know after that experience that dragon-humans like to be left alone... oh and bring an extra pair of clothes if you wear them because you will soil them.
4.Diamond Dogs: Two humans have been found that are Diamond dogs. Though they are a rough, and rather stupid species the humans we found were rather intelligent and decent while information was gathered on them. For example the Diamond Dog Echo discussed with us how is life was before, and how he traveled and such. This lead to many of us giving him a hug, because we all need a hug every now and again. In fact let us stop for a moment for a hug break ...................................................................................... Okay that is enough hugging for now.
5.Cows: There aren't very many of dem don'tcha know?
6.Changelings: Though a troublesome and curious breed these creatures are not only very rare to find, but they are equally as hard to tell apart from the rest of the other ponies in the world. The reason this is so is because they can change into any pony they see fit, as a result they either change into a normal personal pony form or into another pony. Hence the name Changeling. This has made it difficult to track down changelings, and the fact they are expert ninja ponies... and snake eaters.
7. Fine let's get this over with.... Alicorns: The universe just screwed up your new life, as one human put it while in an interview, "U mad bro?" Though we're not sure why a big U means you, can humans spell where they come from? As for advice we can't really help you seeing as your kind are outlawed throughout Equestria. (Sort of... not really... actually yes.)
8.Rectangle Ponies: There is only one Rectangle Pony in all of existence... well there was. He was found in a room with many different circles around him. The theory behind his death is that he tried to be a circle. Please don't be like him, don't try and be a circle.
9.Sea Ponies: Though these ponies are in fact rare, there have been sightings and some proof to back up the idea that humans have become Sea Ponies. In fact the pony Lyra who we have mentioned earlier did experiments on herself to become a Sweet Roll. The trials failed and resulted in her becoming a Sea Pony, though after weeks of eating nothing but fish she finally became normal again. In the time she was a Sea Pony we studied her, but the one thing she said before we finished was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."
10.Creatures: From Manticores to Rainicorns, and sea monsters just about all of these are things that have been seen and confirmed to be human. At least at one point. Like Godzirra, a human monster who gave himself that name, oddly he had a unnatural urge to destroy major coastal cities.
Now that we have covered what all you could be, (minus a pony) we will move on to how to live as these creatures. Though most of the time these human-things live outside of cities or populated areas because of their new and more brutal form. In a way it's extremely sad, to be alone. Yes, but as a human once said and we will say it again, "It really must suck to be you."
That aside, we don't mean to offend, just to make fun of you in a- never mind. So please don't take it to heart, because taking that kind of stuff to heart can cause heart disease like cancer, and heart failure.
As for your life, we are about to get to that. Seeing as Equestria is so big means there are places that like to have monsters, or non-ponies around. And then there are those places, like coastal cities, that don't like to have monsters around. If you are a monster like Godzirra then please don't go into heavily populated areas, even if it is for some milk.
To show you what we mean and to expand on the fact that most non-ponies that are monsters are rejected from society we'll give you a brief history story as to why ponies don't like monsters-human-ponies-things.
History 8: A little after the events of Timothy's arrival the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. decided to test theories about whether a pony could become a chicken. One test was conducted and, despite the government's cover-ups, they made one successful chicken-pony. Though it escaped and was never found again. (And they quit trying to find it.) But afterwards Timothy and Lyra had the amazing idea to become sweet rolls (But instead they became sea ponies). Though rare and almost unheard of they said this, "What could go wrong? All we're going to do is take us apart, put some science stuff in us and POOF! Good as new." Though the harsh and rather odd reality is that they did just that and it did in fact make them sea ponies.
During their long and rather slippery Sea pony state they came up with the idea that they could become anything. Driven by this belief several ponies were tested on. Some were turned into tacos, some sponges, but others became large monsters which rampaged across cities. As a result they changed the monster-ponies back, and test this on humans instead. This is why pony-monsters/human-things are not generally accepted into society. That and somepony stepped on the Taco-pony.
Now to live your new life in society as an outcast. (But it is okay because being different is good! Unless you're stupid, then it's not.) Though you must follow this one, and very important rule. Because so many humans, and normal ponies for that matter have been lost because of them. These evil, soulless, and completely adorable creatures... Kittens. They may seem cutesy and wootsy but they are anything but.
Rule 18: Avoid Kittens, they are your friends, and enemies. But just to be sure, keep away.
With that out of the way, we can continue back on topic.
Though society can be cruel and evil doesn't mean there isn't a place for you! To show you what we mean we'll list the many jobs Pie ponies, such as yourself, can have in our proud land.
(For those more common ponies.)
1. For Zebras: Witch doctor, Evil enchantress/enchanter, local potion maker, poison maker, and anything that may seem or is even remotely creepy or odd.
2. For Donkeys: Most simple odd jobs, wagon puller, hair groomer, maker of sweet rolls, and the cranky one of the village. (All that job requires is that you stayed pissed at everypony everyday whether you are or not. Most humans like this a whole lot because it is easy.)
3. For Griffins: Official stealer of items, bodyguard, personal secret agent, stealer of sweet rolls, builder, and weather guard.
(Those more wild and monstrous Pie Ponies.)
1. For Dragons: Defender of cupcakes, defender of villages, protector of nature, protector of your own stuff, lord of a province or kingdom.
1.5. For Evil mutant ponies: You are evil, you should feel bad. You took my sweet roll, and I want it back.
2. For Diamond Dogs: Traveler, bard (No singing though only music playing. We all don’t want to die now do we?), gemfinder, heavy lifter, digger, and many more! (In some parts of Equestria Diamond Dogs are welcomed and honored as they come into villages. The reason this is because they need dogs that can look for Diamonds, and as you humans say, "You fit the bill."
3. For Changelings: Every other job a normal pony can have. Unless you're a robot, then you can't get those jobs... then again, they don't know that so go for it.
(Now for those more rare, and ponies who may not exist and who may not be reading this guide. In a way this entirely defeats the purpose, but then again we don't really care.)
1. For Sea Ponies: Entertainer, official Sea pony of the amusement park, Sushi maker, sushi (you probably aren't having a very good day if you end up as sushi), fisher pony, lifeguard, marine pony biologist, and other stuff that involves water and that sort of thing.
2. For Rectangle Ponies: Being a square, and to be quite honest not much beyond that. Maybe you can be a microphone, we're not sure but just don't be a circle.
3. For Cows: A Dairy Cow, a cow that makes cheese, and afterwards you can throw said cheese at evil aquatic aliens that wish to harm your world. Be a roadblock and tell travelers that you won't move till you get money. (Most humans find enjoyment out of this, or at least the few cows there are.)
4. For Alicorns: In some odd way you can become the leader of another neighboring kingdom. Though you will have to strive to become king/queen/prince/princess/president/prime minister/ dictator/ supreme overlord/dark lord/ archmage/ führer/ thing. Though your best bet is to stay hidden.
Now that we have some of the more basic jobs and what not out of the way, we'll go into a more pleasurable topic. Finding a home.
As stated before some places accept Pie Ponies with open hooves, and others not so much. Since this is the case it is best to teach you where you are most welcome and where you are not. But be wary, the universe has ways of turning heaven on Equestria into a living hell. On top of this, most ponies dislike you to begin with. Not to mention the Pie Ponies are mainly looked down upon... no pressure right?
So to help you with your search for a new home here is a rule you can follow, and please, we mean you to really follow this one because it's important.
Rule 19: Choose your home wisely and not like a stupid sentient being.
To help you make your decision as to where to go to make your home. And as such we have made a list of cities that are accepting of your kind. As for you normal ponies who are reading this. (Which is about 99% of you, please keep reading, because it is a fact that those who don't read every now and again become... unsmart... by that we mean stupid, and you don't want to be a stupid pony.)
Cities and places like that.
Now on to the place where a Pie Pony, like yourself, can live. Though be cautious no place is perfect, every home has it's perks and it's "oh my sweet dear Celestia this is the single worst place ever and I can't believe I had the nuts to come here am I crazy?" things.
But please note that not only will ponies shun you, they might hate you because... their are jerks. Though this isn't the case in most cities. Most ponies are forgiving and kind, and then there are the occasional few who will round up an angry mob at your doorstep because you, like a stupid pony, took somepony sweet roll.
Below is a list of cities most Pie Ponies find homey and comfortable, and the ones with the less angry mobs. (Not angry mobs apply to Pie ponies who are Dragons, Changelings, or otherwise giant or monstrous creatures. If you are not any of these then you are fine, unless you wronged somepony. Then in that case you deserve to be put in the corner for five minutes.)
1. Fillydelphia. (This city is popular amongst Pie Ponies. Work is plentiful, the mares, or other pony-creature-things are nice too, and the food is nice. But if you are a horrible beast then stay away, because they have orbital defences in case of monsters.)
2. Manehattan. (Like Fillydelphia holds a very homey progressive feel to it. It is the home of pony industry and technology in Equestria, next to Canterlot of course. For this reason, Pie Ponies and regular ponies alike move to this city in search of science, wealth, and sandviches.)
3. Canterlot. (It is a city of magic, snooty ponies, and cake. Though be alert the cake might not be true. But the cake has everything to do with life, if there is no cake then there is no life. See our reasoning? No? Well that's understandable.)
4. Coltshire. (The Earth pony capital and main source of vegetable, and fruit produce. This is an ideal place for Pie ponies who want a simple calm life. Most ponies here aren't prejudice to other races, and as such won't mind you at all. Oh, and if you see my family tell them I am okay, for the most part anyway.)
5. New Manechester. (Old Manechester was destroyed by monsters... as such stay away, but hey they have good cheese there and are always looking for cows to help.)
What you just read above was the perks, and some cons of the few cities Pie Ponies like the most. Though many other cities are accepting of your kind it is best for you to find (or choose) which place you might be happiest in. And let us say the options are endless! Not really there are, like, what? A hundred cities. So it's more like the options are about one hundred, but it doesn't sound as cool as endless.
Like most things you need to eat, and with a large variety of you Pie Ponies it isn't easy to just eat anything. For example, a Dragon eats meat, meat=ponies, ponies eaten=death, death=no fun. Whereas ponies eat fruit, flowers, and hay. The difference of your diet may lead to some complications with your new home and way of life in general. As such it is best to educate yourself with what you can and cannot eat.
As stated above there are different kinds of Pony-monster-things that eat different things. There are Omnivores, Carnivores, and Herbivores. Omnivores eat both plants, fruit, and meat. So if you are a Omnivore then you can eat just about anything. Herbivores eat only fruit and vegetables, most ponies are Herbivores and as such can only eat a select few things. Carnivores can eat meat, and only meat. Why? Because they are giant monsters and if they want to eat meat then they can.
Now for a quick, and rather sad tale of a stupid pony that ate meat.
Story: Once apon a time, in the magical land of Equestria there lived a pony named Sheila. One day a pony in blue armor who was not the brightest of ponies wanted to give Sheila a muffin. Sheila did not want a muffin and wanted to eat bacon instead. Caboo- I mean the blue armored pony said, "but Sheila, I made this muffin just for you!" But she refused it and started to have an epic meal time with the bacon. The rich salty pieces of pork tasted nice for a moment, but then the bacon started to make her sick. Then, she died. The blue armored pony was not happy that Sheila was dead so he went on a quest to get her back. After his quest she came back to life, and they ate muffins merrily for the rest of their days. The End.
The morale of the story, bacon can kill a pony. Don't be stupid, don't eat bacon.
Below are the many things one can eat as a Carnivore, Omnivore, and Herbivore. (Please note that there is about a trillion different things to eat and it is because of this we will only list the basics.)
Omnivores: They can eat everything, from fruit, to meat. They can eat it all, in fact listing everything you could eat is almost pointless here because there is so much you can feast on. The only Pie Ponies that can eat both kinds food are Changelings. Oh and they can eat sweet rolls.
Herbivores: Just about all Pie Ponies, minus Dragons and Diamond Dogs are Herbivores. Plus we have already covered that you can only eat fruit and vegetables. If you are unaware of what either are, then you are in fact a... thing. I'll find another word for that later, but I'm sure there is one! Oh and they can eat sweet rolls.
Carnivores: You eat meat. Anything with blood, guts, and red or pink flesh can be eaten. Dragons and Diamond Dogs have this as their preferred diet, though they can eat fruit and fruit alone in some cases. Plus they can eat sweet rolls.
Gem Eaters: You can eat rubies, sapphires, rock candy, emeralds, diamonds, and anything that was created via pressure and hundreds of years of chemical bonding. (Please note: As odd as it sound there are creatures that can eat gems, for instance gems are looked at as a delicacy by dragons. Oh, and diamond dogs are quite fond of them as well.)
(We are not responsible for those stupid ponies who read this and try meat. On the off chance you do, you are stupid, please don't be and eat a piece of cake instead. It tastes nice, and it won't kill you... yet. So be happy, cause if you are the good Pie/normal pony we think you to be then you won't be stupid. Thank you.)
Now trust us when we say Pie ponies can live happy, and otherwise normal lives. As long as you don't destroy coastal cities, eat the right foods, and not take others sweet rolls you should be fine. There are some Pie Ponies who have lived long, and fulfilling lives, and even if they are simple they lived happy.
So as an order by her majesty herself, "Find happiness, wherever you can. Life is filled with joy, and joy can be given to all in our land." (I teared a bit at these words, not just that but I got to go outside the castle for two hours.)
But as most things in this world end so does this chapter. Though you may dry your teary eyes because there is another chapter. So rather than moan and cry, rejoice! Because there will be more. And with that I would like to say,
So long, and thanks for all the ponies... again.
Spark of Inspiration
(AN: Okay first off I would like to say I had both asdf movie on the brain and Skyrim. To be honest I can’t tell if this was more random than the others, oh well. I had fun writing this, and though it was kind of hard writing this I did have fun. But as always, did you like this chapter? Leave a comment or a like if you enjoyed it, reeeeally loved it? Fav for more, and you will receive. Thanks for reading!)
(Next: Friendship is Awesome.) (Previous: Halt Criminal Scum!)
In this section of the guide we will cover two very important topics, how to accept your new life and education. Because these are some of the most, and least interesting things in your life. And we all know that you don't like school, but for those younger souls or those who have younger ones please know that this section will answer your questions on the subject. However, it will not teach you how to survive said school, though the best advice we can give you is to not go to school in the first place.
The advice above was given to us by several humans while we asked about education in the human world. Most say that it is a evil stone prison that rips the very life from you, but for those of you who still wish to learn in Equestria please know that school here isn't as bad. So take it from us, don't panic.
As the title suggests we are going to cover the awkward, but essential friend making process. Note that this will not be like mating, and in some situations it can seem like you are trying to mate, but know this is normal. But it is always important to know that when meeting a new pony to not assume you are going to love the pony, but be friends. Because friendship is awesome.
In our world, both finding friends and learning, are fun and great things to do. Because no one in this world should not have friends, except stupid ponies, they don't have any friends. (We'll if you count rocks, and inanimate objects, but that falls into the line of crazy ponies so that is completely irrelevant.)
Our first topic will be for those who seek more knowledge in something via school. Now, the educational system here in Equestria can be one of two things. 1: It can be a stressful and terrible experience which in turn has caused you to waste a small portion of your new life, and as such the universe laughs at you because it made it so, or... 2: It can be an enlightening experience where you emerge smarter and much stronger in something then you were before, kind of like those super hero comics. That would be amazing, only you won't have super powers... well that's not true either if you're a unicorn... moving on.
As you might have guessed by now there are many schools for different things in Equestria, in fact there is probably a school for just about anything. From alchemy to being a bard in college, from science to sports there is a school for it.
Rule 20: School is one of the universes greatest tricks on pony kind.
As stated above, school is... well, an interesting thing. But we will come back to that later. As for the kinds of schools available we have listed a few of them below. (Due to some awkward, and otherwise weird events and reasons which will not be stated, the requirements for these schools will not be listed here. However if you send a sandwich to 756 Canter road then I'm sure you will find the requirements for said school you are looking for.)
1. The University of Awesome. (Ponies who come here leave with swag.)
2. Coltshire's Alchemy College. (This college was made for those Earth/Pegasus ponies who wish to learn their own kind of magic. Or if they want to bring their dead mother back to life...)
3. The Freaky Equestrian School of Humans and their Weird Otherworldly Problems. (The schools name says most of it, must we say more?)
3.5 Canterlot's school for Gifted and Talented Unicorns. (As the name suggests, unicorns with special or otherwise powers that seem to be better than everypony else's powers are trained here. However, it requires you to pass magic kindergarten, which is not an easy task. Also note magic kindergarten will not be mentioned in this guide, why? Because it falls into that hellish place we talked about earlier.)
4. Canterlot's school for... special ponies. (Why does this exist? Because the community decided to make a school for stupid ponies. Hopefully at this point you have followed our advice and haven't gone around flailing your hooves yelling, "I'M A PONEH WHAT HAPPENZ BLARH!!!!" But we're sure that isn't the case.)
5. Basic school for Fillies and Colts. (For the young ones, this is where you learn the basic histories, maths, and sciences of all three races. On top of this you can learn about how evil robots are, and how to combat them in case one is sent to the past to kill you.)
6. Basic college for young fliers... school. (For those pegasi that wish to find a deeper meaning to your flying sign up for this school today. Because this, yes this, is where pegasi learn to fly better. You can get a degree in cloud bucking, air show performing, combat, fun, sky parties, and pie. To this day hundreds of ponies come out successful somethings in one way or another.)
7. The Farming University. (Learn to grow all kinds of things like: Cabbage, lemons, oranges, peaches, pears which I do not approve of, and cupcake trees. Yes there is a such thing, and yes they are tasty.)
8. A University whose name I can't quite seem to remember at this time. (What?It's true...)
But defining which school is right for you is a matter of opinion and personality, because only you can choose what you want to learn... and prevent wildfires, but there's a school for that too. As for the other kinds of schools, once again follow the address above and you should be able to find all of the hundreds upon hundreds of other places to learn and where they are.
But like all things education in Equestria had a beginning. Though unlike most things in the vast universe it didn't start out as normal as one might think. Rather, it started with a cup of coffee, and a cupcake. Yes, this is how education started. Though as odd as it sounds the story behind how it started is Equally as odd, and we can guarantee this, it is all true.
History 9: On one stormy snow covered day long long long long ago there sat a gentle pony by the name of Clown Shoes. Now, he was a humble pony and with the food shortage of the day the only thing he could find to eat were cupcakes which contained nothing but butter inside. Fed up with this he sat down again, and pondered how to fix this problem. For three whole days he did nothing but beat kittens with sticks of butter hoping that it would do something. This of course did nothing but make a lot of cats slippery. Finally he opened his house to cupcake makers and taught them how to make cupcakes without butter, because at this point butter was the last thing he wanted to eat. Clown Shoes later called himself a teacher and created the first school ever. Later others thought it was a GOOD idea to open other schools where they taught you stupid things like how to ride a bike with no handlebars, or a school for ponies to float with gumdrops. If you haven't guessed already by now, the ponies who opened these places were, "stupid."
The main reason we have covered why education was formed is because humans, like yourself, have tried to open schools in the past. Many of these schools are for the most part, normal, and by normal we mean horrible boring learning places. Some of said schools are about the human world, though why they opened them to teach ponies about your world is still a mystery today.
So, if you are thinking about opening a school follow this rule:
Rule 21: Open a school to teach something useful, like ninja pony hunting where one does not get bored.
Though one can get by in this world even with basic knowledge from your world, and by this we mean math and other such things. Because in this world the likelihood of you using hard math is 2 to the power of 2079460347 to 1. Which if you convert into a phone number will get you some random lady with whom you can have a rather awkward conversation with.
Now that we have covered education and all it's horror, it's time we move on to something a little less educational, and on to something more social. Like for instance, making friends.
There is a fine line between friends, and mates. Mates being one you will, mate with and love and all that jazz. And friends being ones you mate with every now and again and then look at each other awkwardly because you did something stupid. Though that is only the case with select individuals, but for the most part friends are friends and not mates. See the difference? Good, let us continue then.
There are a whole load of different kinds of ponies out in the wide wide world, each of which have unique personalities with different interests, goals, and agendas. It is because of this that friends come together whether it be because of their differences or similarities, and even though you might be new to this whole getting to know everypony thing doesn't mean that ponies in our society will ignore you. No, rather most ponies accept newcomers with open hooves, so don't stress yourself out.
Most ponies classify themselves mainly by common interests in their personalities. So we have made a small list of different kinds of ponies are out there. (Note: Pink ponies are included, please approach with caution.)
1. Pink ponies. (They are the hardest to describe, mainly because of their teleporting powers. Though we do know that they like cake.)
2. Crazy ponies. (These ponies thought the sky was falling, it did in a way when an alien invasion happened some years ago. Fortunately we threw cheese at the attackers which caused them to flee.)
3. Smart ponies. (Egg heads, and don't think they have real egg shaped heads, because they don't.)
4. Weird ponies. (They are wild, adventurous, and daring. But mainly, they are weird.)
5. Athletic ponies. (Ponies, like our very own Rainbow Dash who is the element of Loyalty is an athlete pony. This means you have swag.)
6. Normal ponies. (Not much can be said about them other then they are normal.)
7. Gamer ponies. (Much like our princess Luna they spend a lot of time playing games. From board games to the ones on machines.)
8. Science ponies. (They like science. Though many ponies find them attractive, unfortunately for them they are taken, by science.)
9. Artistic ponies. (These ponies are... nice.)
10. Music wub ponies. (Here we go... Wub, wub wub wub wubwubwub, wub... wub. That is all.)
(Secret number 11. Stupid ponies. Ponies like we mentioned earlier, flail their hooves around yelling because they have no clue what is going on.)
Like most things there are a lot more kinds of ponies out there, in fact you are your own special kind of pony. These are simply genres in which most common ponies can be classified into. You may or may not fall into any of these and please believe us when we say that this is okay.
But now that you know of your personality, and the kinds of ponies that do exist we will move on to making friends. Because making friends is what life is all about. That and finding the perfect lemon, many have searched and only one has found such a lemon... I wish that I would have never misplaced it... I miss you lemon.
The art of making friends is a hard, brutal, and pleasurable experience. Though some find it harder than others, most of us have the same difficulties in some areas of finding friends as others do. Note, we won't tell you how to keep friends but how to make them, this is to help you not to get confused because you humans can get confused easily. At the moment whether or not you get confused is irrelevant in a way, so instead we will move on and forget that sort of thing ever happened.
Like we had stated earlier making friends is an art, and as such must be approached cautiously. So to help we have made some simple instructions on how to make friends with both a female and male pony. (Or rather Stallion/Colt and Mare/Filly.)
Step 1: Approach the mare/filly/colt/stallion carefully, but don't look like you have a pole shoved up your- well let's not get into that. (You know what we mean though.)
Step 2: Start a conversation. By this we mean say anything, well almost anything. For instance a good thing to say would be, "Hi, I'm (INSERT RANDOM PONY-HUMAN NAME HERE)." This is a good start. A bad thing to say would be, "Hello, I am a human and as such I am going to eat.... your cake! MUAHAHA!" At that point they would not longer be interested and leave thinking you are stupid.
Step 3: Learn about them. You do this by asking things like, "What is your favorite color?" or "Do you like books? Because I love to read." This way you learn more about them as you tell them about yourself. In a way it should always balance itself out in the end.
Step 4: Get comfortable, but not too comfortable. Remember we're not looking for a mate we are looking for a friend. It is also good advise to look for ponies with similar interests in places you like. For Example, if you want to be friends with a pony who likes games then you should look for ponies who hang around a game store or an outdoor arcade. (Because most arcades are outside in Equestria, this much is true.)
Step 5: Stay in contact. The more you talk and see each other the better you get to know them, and no this does not count as flirting or trying to mate. Though it would be interesting to see, but first I would have to find a way out of here... Anyway, remember do things you both like to do and you'll slowly gain a friend in no time at all.
But remember, you are the only one who can screw this up, and only you. Well unless the pony is a jerk then by all means leave him/her alone and throw lemon eggs at their home.
The most important rule of making friends is to enjoy their company and to be there for them as they are for you. The best of friends protect you, help you, and are there for you when you're down. So it is important to know that you have to be there for them too. It is for this reason we give you the following rule:
Rule 22: Friendship is awesome.
And this rule is one you can't forget, because this is the reason friends are, well awesome. And in this new life you got to have some kind of friends, because without them life can be dull. That is why it is so important, and why this is a major section in the guide.
Now let us recap what we learned in this chapter. If by some odd chance you didn't learn anything then you have not only not been paying attention you have just plain out derped. Which means you are probably not going to have very many friends. This and you won't be able to go to school.
1. You learned about the many kinds of schools exists and what they teach.
2. You learned about how education started here, and how it became the horrible, and enlightening thing it is today.
3. You learned about what kinds of ponies one can meet, and the many common interests you can have with them.
4. You learned how to make friends, stay friends, and not mate with them.
5. You learned a variety of other freaky stuff.
So far you have learned plenty with both knowledge from the guide and from life experiences. And, like always it is time to end this section and move on to another. And by this we mean you can just go to the next chapter, that is if you're in the future. So with a heavy heart I am sad to say good bye, for now but if you do live in the future the next chapter is already there. So, Don't panic.
Like always, so long, and thanks for the all the lemons.
Spark of inspiration
(AN:Well here it is chapter nine! I have to say this was one of the more quicker chapters to come out so far, or at least I think so. I think this chapter came out pretty well if I do say so myself, and what’s better was I think the humor was pretty well done on my part. But anyway, enjoy this chapter of the guide? Why not give it a like, every bit counts. And as always thanks for reading!)
"When life gives you lemons, keep them, because hey, it's free lemons."
This is by far one of the most inspirational things you will hear here in this land. And with all of the magic, monsters, and mystery out there, that is saying quite a lot. So, just so we can get this out of the way, we will cut to the chase with my personal favorite rule, which is shown below:
Rule 23: If anypony, and we mean anypony, gives you something for free, keep it, because, who doesn't want free things? Unless it's a Panpona's Box. Then, by all means, dig a hole, put it in the hole, build a house over said hole, dig it up again and... put that box into another box, then ship that box to yourself and smash it with a hammer. Nothing too tough to do, right?
But with that aside, it is time to cover what this section of the guide is about. Though you have gone through trial and error, mostly error, and even though you have faced an evil trolling universe and evil bail lemons, you still hold a place in this world. With the knowledge you have acquired from this guide and your own experiences, you have learned to live your life here.
Though this section will not only re-cap what you've done it will also cover something important. The meaning of your existence, and Death itself. Because even though you live in a magical realm of talking ponies and freaky things doesn't mean things don’t die. Because that is the circle of life, and it moves us all.
The first thing we want you to do however, is to take a good look at yourself. Think of how far you've come from a humble stupid human-pony to a semi good human-pony. Hug yourself because you have done a good job, and now that warm feeling in your chest. Yes the warmness that caresses your very soul, well that we can honestly say is heartburn. Because the real feeling of pride feels a lot like you had your head smashed, reanimated, put inside dry ice for 1000 years, unfrozen and fed to a diamond dog. But only a few select ponies feel that kind of pride, most of which are human. We believe this to be a side effect of your passing from your world to ours. But another popular theory is that the universe screwed with you mind because... well, because it can.
It is also good to keep in mind that, not only have you come this far, but your impact on the world will be there forever. By this, we really do mean that when you crossed over, you left a small dimensional rip where you entered. And the freaky noises coming from said rift are rather freaky. That, and the small time you've been here you have become a symbol of hope, or something like that because, why not? Your old life probably consisted of trenches and fighting, but that's what we've gathered from other humans like yourself. Though whether or not these things are true is another matter on its own, and for this particular writer, well I simply do not care.
Now, you might ask yourself, "Isn't it true that, when I die here, I go to Earth again?" In a matter of speaking, yes. Well we like to think that you do. No pony has- well as you humans say it, no one has come back to tell us if that is the case. But the popular theory is that yes, you go to hell- we mean Earth.
Death, it's an interesting concept. One that this guide won't fully cover in detail, but we will cover the basics of this mystical thing we call Death. Death, in a sense, is the universes best way to troll you, because of this it has made us as mortals fragile to everything. That is except those,(and we use the term loosely) lucky few... the Alicorns.
However you would be shocked to know that you are not the only creature from another world to have died and come here. In fact every 1,000 years or so, a new race comes to our land. But only one. But with time this race has disappeared into the unknown, speaking of which Alicorns didn't seem to be around until 1,000 years ago... that is absurd forget that, and instead look at a picture of a small kitten, we're sure the cuteness will cleanse your mind of the thought.
As we were saying earlier, Death can come to you at any given moment, from just about anything. Here are a few ways one can die. Please Note: The ways to die in Equestria are odd, so very much so that one cannot comprehend the weirdness. Please do not try any of these at home, if you do tell us and we'll put "Stupid" on your grave for not following the rules. Thank you.
1. Death by pudding.
2. Death by Death.
3. Death by door.
4. Death by meteor.
5. Death by cuteness.
6. Death by Muffin.
7. Death by Guide.
8. Death by flying tornado house.
9. Death by Poetry.
10. Death... by butter.
etcetera.... and so on...
These, believe it or not are common, or real ways ponies have died. How they managed to die by some of these things is a puzzle on it's own, but hey, you can look at it like a different way. But instead of saying something here's a rule detailing what this guide has to say about death.
Rule 24: If it exists theres death for that. No exceptions... well almost.
And since everything eventually dies this means that even those pesky immortals will go to the great pony pillow fortress in the sky. But before planning such a trip one must make sure you book reservations before going to the pillow fortress. Wait, you thought we were talking about... no silly human there is a real pillow fortress in the sky, and the water slides are the best. That is a positive and undeniable fact.
But since death is not in everyponies best interest, let's move over to the section which will now recap your life so far.
Life, as this guide has mentioned, is hard. Very hard, in fact if you were to compare life with a rock and a hard place, life would win at being the hardest amongst the three. Even though life here is easier, it still holds a certain hardness to it and you know this from first hoof experience just how hard life can be.
Whether it was finding a mate, making friends, or dealing with forces far beyond our understanding, you somehow managed to come out of the hard fire of life triumphant. Though sometimes your struggles can seem at times pointless this does not mean you haven't learned anything. To put this simply, "You’ve learned from your mistakes." Like for instance, you learned that when you died on Earth that you died, and you probably won't be doing whatever it was you were doing ever again that got you killed.
But that was on Earth, this is Equestria. So enough about that hellish world you came from, it's time we go into what you've learned. Because without recapping, you probably won't remember all the things this guide taught you. The mostly likely reason for this is because in Ponyville they're having a muffin fight, and you don't want to sit here and read this.
So to make sure you get out there and chunk pieces of baked goods at ponies well will sum up the basics of what you learned while reading this guide.
1. Ponies don't eat meat, and hay bacon is not considered meat.
2. You are a pony, whether or not you like this, it‘s not your choice. (You might be a Pie pony, but that is unlikely.)
3. You have a second chance at life! These means one of two things: One, you are overjoyed. Two, you hate life and question why you are here.
LOVE AND FRIENDS:
1. Mating is a delicate and wonderful thing. Plus if you try to mate like a cave-pony you will get beat up because that... that is stupid.
2. Finding a mate is one of the most interesting sports in the world, but making friends is also nice.
3. Friends always have your back, unless there are zombies, then they'll trip you.
OTHER PONIES AND JOBS:
1. There are not only ponies in this world griffins, monsters, sea ponies, and other such freaky things live everywhere and you could be one of them. In that case no offence if we called you freaky, unless you plan to find me and save me out of pure rage. Then by all means save me. (Even if this makes no sense.)
2. You have a cutie mark, this will help you learn your special talent and with some luck, find you a good job.
3. You have found a job that fits you special talent and now have a roof over your head. But be aware, things could fall from the sky and through your roof at anytime.
(Due to ink issues no color for this title will be provided, that and the colors that were left would cause your brain to explode. That is all, thank you.)HISTORY AND PLACES:
1. You not only learned some of Equestria's greatest moments in history, you have learned what not to do because of those lessons.
2. Equestria is big, and with this being said let's just assume there are too many places to go in one lifetime. But being the curious little pony you are, you'll probably ignore that and go off on an adventure, in which case you'll need a towel.
3. The history of Equestria is an odd thing, but then again it's a crazy world and you've learned this quite well. I would advise you go home and ponder why the world is the way it is. This way, you have something to do while you wait for everything to stop being... well, weird.
OTHER THINGS TO RECONSIDER:
1. One thing to remember is life, the universe, and everything. Also note we are all sofas deep down inside, which give you a warm fuzzy feeling. If you do have this feeling please make your way to the nearest hospital, because that might be the universe giving you feelings.
2. Lemons are bad, especially ones found in a medieval pit.
Just to put this out there, (which we should have done sooner) here is a quick rule about Lemons and what this guide has to say about them.
Rule 25: Lemons are made of evil. Stay away from them, then you too can smile because, as long as the lemons are around, life will suck.
This is generally the main thing you need to follow while living here. Please, my little ponies, follow this rule, because the fate of the entire world rests upon it. That or my freedom, which I can sense might end soon, though my hunches really do suck. Which probably means I'll be here longer than I think... bugger...
Life is a curious thing, all the time we watch it come and go at will. Everywhere you look, life is there, even if it is slightly disturbing, then if that's the case, stop looking at life before you get a headache. But as we said, it is a curious thing. Many questions like, "Why are we here?" and "What's my purpose in life?" those are great questions, unfortunately, we can't answer them. And this time, we can't really tell you whether or not there is a book, or guide for that matter about life.
We can however, teach you how to live it. Which throughout this guide we have done, and might we say it is one hell of a ride... life that is anyway.
As we have said before, everything, like life, must come to an end. Even this guide will end, and coincidently that time is now. So if you are asking yourself, "Is this really it? But I don't want to stop reading this pure genius piece of literature!" Unfortunately you'll have to stop. Because we have come to the end.
In this guide you remember well how you started off as a stupid human-pony who knew no more about this land then a pea knows it's a vegetable. But through trial, error, more trial, and some explosions, you have made it this far through life. You've come a long way, and now with the new knowledge you have gained from this guide you will no longer have to be forced to read this.
Ponies in this world have a saying, "You've got four legs, so don't just stand there. Get up, and do something with them!" Just don't flail them around, that would be weird. What this means though is now that you know how to live life, get up and start living. The world is yours and yours alone to explore and claim for your own. This is true for everypony, small, big, strong, weak, stupid, or pink, it doesn't matter, life was given to you. So use the life you have and be thankful you're here, for whatever reason the mischievous universe did this, it must have not thought you could actually become happy from this. Or maybe, the universe isn't so bad after all... just maybe.
So, with that we give you our last and final rule. Though we have said other rules are the most important doesn't mean we can't change that. Because this, without a doubt, is the single most important rule (yes this is the most important):
Rule 26: Enjoy life.
With that, we bid thee farewell. This is the final chapter of The Humans Guide to Life in Equestria. And, we... I mean I wish you a long and happy life.
So long, and thanks for all the escape items.
(P.S. Just please, don't panic.)
(Author’s Note: This guide was written for the pure enjoyment of writing. I, as the author, would have never expected this to have gotten the attention it did when I made the first chapter. This, believe it or not, is my first completed attempt at writing something from start to finish. Though I can assure you that, without the kind a loving support of the brony community and the many followers of the guide itself I would have never had the strength to do this on my own. So to you I say thank you, for everything. I hope that others in the future who come to this site look at this guide, and one day decide to pick up a pen or get on the keyboard and make their own story. But I talk too much, so once more I say thank you. To my proofreaders, to my readers, and to my friends, and the brony community. - Noakwolf)
Proofread for the final time by:
(More A.N. notes: The next chapter is a Q and A answer a few of the many questions I have got during the making of this guide. Along with that it also details the many things that inspired me/made me write story/guide not manual thing. Which is the bonus thing.)
Hello everyone! It probably freaked you out when you say this old thing had updated huh? Well, I just wanted to tell you I started a new guide. Unfortunately due to moderation issues I am un able to post it. But don't be sad! I've put the story here for you peoples. Now, I have a question for you. Since I can't already post the new story on a separate thing, would you like me to update this guide with this new guide as a second section? (Kind of like a second section to a story.)
What are your thoughts on this? If that is the case I'll take down this chapter and put up the new guide chapter. If not, I'll have to find some other way to do it.
Cover for the new guide, and the title: The Human's Guide to Species in Equestria.
This will cover humans and living as a pie pony. That means we'll cover how to live as Griffons, Sea Ponies, Changelings, and much much more! Enjoy!
(The chapter is in the next chapter)
(Remember! If I make another section to this Guide I'll remove this chapter and replace it with the other one. Once again, the choice is up to you! I can't wait to see what you have to say!)
Section II: The Human's Guide to Species in Equestria
Thank you sir/ma'am for purchasing this issue of the Human's Guide to Species in Equestria! Judging by the title, you might assume about what this is about. And as such, means you consciously took this and decided to read it. With that, we humbly thank you. However, you know that little bit we had mentioned about you taking this book? Well, we lied. Rather, you were forced to read this, or at least you were paid to. Which undoubtedly means that you are human. But since you are human, means this guide is just for you! So, maybe that whole nonsense about forcing you to read it might not be so bad after all.
But, we can already tell you that this is no ordinary book. No, this is a very special book. One powered by magic, mystery, and a uranium based power core. So, with that, sit back, if you have one, and brace yourself for a more-or-less interesting introduction.
This, as you already know, is a guide. A guide to what? Well, if you read the title you would know you big dummy. But in all seriousness, the series of Humans Guides are a truly remarkable chain of books. Though, when we say chain, we really mean two books. But you don't know that... This book is much different than other books, outselling many others for 5 reasons.
One being it is slightly cheaper, two being it is written in an informative, yet entertaining manner. And four... No wait, three having real Equestrian facts and none of that other bologna you find in other guides. Though, the fourth and far most important reason is because it is the only guide for humans. Who by some coincidence managed to find themselves in our very own Equestria. And what is the fifth reason, you may ask? We're not too sure ourselves, so you might want to ask someone important like a police officer or a hobo.
If you are by some odd chance, reading this guide for your first time, we would highly suggest reading the first version of this guide. You can conveniently find the first issue at any library or any local grocery store dumpster. So, without further adieu, let us explain how you got here and how this guide is for you.
In the beginning there was nothing, and then all of the sudden, the universe was born. This from the start, made a lot of people very very angry. Which they later called the Big Belch. Though what is really important is what happens a little farther in the future in Space. Space, as some other guides mention, is big. Very big, so big you might explode thinking how big it truly is. And with space being so big and all, it’s no surprise that it is filled with many weird or otherwise bizarre things.
I mean, you really don't know how mindbogglingly big it actually is. Though, by some odd chance you managed to wind up here, of all places. But one thing is clear, you are a pony. Why? We're not sure. Actually, you aren't a pony, rather you are something completely different. Whether it be a mighty Griffin, to a humble Crystal pony, to an imaginative Sea pony. You are no longer human. Well, that isn't true. Because if you were a full pony/griffin/other thing, then you wouldn't need this guide... For some reason.
Now, before we move on, you are probably thinking: "OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" While there are others reading this thinking: "Oh not again..."
The most popular method for a human, such as you, to arrive here in Equestria is because you died. We're not sure how, or why, but you did. If by some unorthodox reason you got here by some other means, then you probably didn't die in a lame manner. Now, before we go into detail on your arrival, please follow this rule, because it might just save you from insanity:
Rule 1: DON'T PANIC! Actually, panic a little, but just don't draw attention to yourself.
This is a rather interesting rule, as you were probably panicking like a foal who accidentally set their mane on fire in a freak gopher accident. Though, it has been proven, if you don't panic, you don't go insane.
You might be thinking, “How did I wind up here?” Well, that‘s a very excellent question, and before you find out why, you must first ask yourself these three questions:
1. "Who am I?"
2. "Where am I?"
3. "And what is this Lemon I found next to me?"
Have you asked yourself these questions? Good, then let us begin.
You wound up here by dying. This is common to feel a sense of "WTF" upon your arrival. Now, take this into consideration. Since the universe is so big and stuff, you dying means that you had a 98.9999% chance of dying in a lame way. To list the many new, but so very common ways one gets here can be found below.
1. A freak science accident which happened to you when eating candy while operating something really big and powerful.
2. Cars. (As said in the previous guide, after another hundred attempts to find out what exactly a car is. The results have stayed the same. We have no clue what they are, but they seem to kill quite a few of you.)
3. A freak gopher accident. (Have you ever nudged your buddy and said, "Hey, you know what would be a smashing idea? Taking a spray bottle of acid and spraying a rabid gopher!" Well, this happened more than once.)
4. Trying to fly. (Don't try so hard next time, unless you have wings now.)
5. Simultaneous trans-dimensional portals. (You are watering flowers when all of a sudden BOOM like that you are here. It's happened before.)
6. Trying to get to Equestria. (Odd humans, trying and get here because they think it's nice... Well, they succeeded, and they have yet to decide if it is nice or not.)
7. Death by a stick of butter.
8. Death by two sticks of butter.
9. Wanting to see the inside of an active volcano right inside it.
10. An explosion. (It is an important thing to remind yourself that you should never eat a burrito, drink a milkshake, and order pizza all at the same time. The results are catastrophic.)
Though there is an even longer list of things that brings all sorts of things to Equestria. For example, during a school kite flying contest in Ponyville. A pony's kite went so high that it caused a small orb to fall down from space and shout out random, but interesting facts about space. Some of which were completely and utterly bonkers, but it was still entertaining to watch.
A common question that all readers of the guide is, who is the pony who makes these wonderful things to read? That is a very good question. The author of this guide has wrote the most critically acclaimed books title: How to survive the shopping season, How to how to do the stuff, and the critically acclaimed novel called Shiners List of Depression.
Though, the author should be referred to as just the Author. Because he's not really important. What is important is: Was that lemon right next to you when you came here? If, on the off chance you did not arrive with a lemon, then you are too lucky and should probably consult a doctor.
This lemon in question, is called a Bail Lemon. If you wish to find out more about these, and what horrible things they are before it's too late, refer back to guide one.
Now, you sit there once more thinking, "How is it I came here by dying? Shouldn't I go to the afterlife full of puppies, and cupcakes?" No. Because the universe is infinite, and it‘s because of this, that the universe has become cranky and rather jerkish. You see, when the universe was born it was picked on by the other universes because he couldn't kick a ball properly. Of course, the first time the universe did kick the ball correctly it caused a ten year war between two very powerful species. Which ended after both species and their armies were swallowed by a large puppy named Steve.
Because of this, the universe messes with its inhabitants. Mainly humans. We're not sure why, but it does. Occasionally, these events that were originally intended to annoy us have at times a much more positive effect. As such, means that the rule below exists:
Rule 2: The universe hates you, but not totally.
Remember this, for it might save your life one day... Or cause the economic collapse of a far off empire on another continent.
But you are probably sitting there, thinking about just what the heck you've become, because let's face it. You’re clueless. But try not to freak out, because we've listed the following races a human, like yourself, can become. And yes, some are pretty neat, and some are not very impressive at all.
A good thing to consider though, is that not all races have hooves and horns. Rather, some have claws, weird cheese horn things, and... Hands. It is easy to adapt to just about anything with time, but only a true master of their new form can perform the most deadly of tasks. Like opening that silly bottle of ketchup you need your older subordinate to open for you. Because you used the towel and it still didn't open.
Rule 3: Every race is bright and beautiful. Don't look at them all though, you could go blind. Then everyone would laugh at you, and you wouldn't like that.
The races/species that are listed will be covered in this guide, however, if you are not one of the following, you are something else. If you don't know what you are, or are not listed below, consult your local government so that you may be studied and researched for the rest of your continued existence in this world. Thank you. (They are also not listed in order.)
1. SEA PONIES.
4. DIAMOND DOGS.
5. WEIRD CAT THINGYS. (This may be a subject, the probability is rather low though.)
8. A FLYING BALL OF STUFF. (This will not be covered, but it has happened.)
9. ...Do I dare list this... Fine, ALICORNS.
10. CRYSTAL PONIES.
And possibly some others, who may or may not be important enough to list here. Though most likely it's because they were not that important.
It is important to note that all of these things could be you, and by that, we mean you could be one of these... Things. Though, contrary to popular belief, life is very much different as each one than you could believe. For example, have you ever tried to stick a whole melon up your nose? Well, Sea Ponies can do that. However, no other race can, which is why being a different species is both a good and bad thing. Mainly because at parties Sea Ponies get all the mares with the melon trick. (Or vise versa.)
Throughout this guide we will detail important historical moments which helped something important to happen. Because, if they were not important events, then they aren't important enough to get their own movie. So, for your first lesson we'll tell you about Melvin, the traveling bucket of limes. Why are we talking about a bucket of limes? Well, read to find out you, silly thing you.
History 1: Once upon a time, about 436 years ago to be exact. There was a Human who had come to Equestria, though it would not be discovered till later that he wasn't a human, and he had in fact had too much to drink the night before. But this odd stallion found a bucket of limes on his way home that night. He named it Melvin, and for a good long while (39 minutes) the two were the best of friends. Little did he know that, the limes were actually Lemons. Bail Lemons to be exact, and if you know what Bail Lemons are, then you know just how bad they can be.
It turns out that not only in that brief 39 minutes did he wish for the bucket to come to life, he wished that instead of the bland ponies that traveled into town every day, they would be switched with colorful new ponies. Instead of getting colorful new traveling ponies, Melvin had altered the transdimensional barrier which in some cases turns humans who travel across it into something else. That is how it all started. However, the Bucket of limes, or lemons, left on it's own. It only traveled ten feet before being smashed by a piano.
It is an historical fact that humans who have not only turned into a random non-pony not only smell lemony once they get out of the barrier, they also smell slightly like a grape fruit. Magical Canterlot Scientist have spent years trying to figure out why this is the case. But instead of finding the answer they would just rather watch their favorite show and eat oven baked snacks.
Our world, is a vast world. Filled with wonder and enchantment. You have legs, strong wonderful legs and a mind fresh and clear with a new cleaned slab of life right in front of you. Not really right in front of you, because the weight of that slab might crush your legs. That is, if you have legs on your lower section of your body... It will crush something, and you won't like it.
But having a world as amazing and vast as our own comes with both trial, and error. Either you make it, or you don't. Which is why this guide was made. So you can make it, in this vast, expansive, fantasticimicationness world. In each chapter of this guide, we will cover the following, and possibly, in this order listed:
1. A in-depth look at your race/species and some general physical advantages and weaknesses. (For instance: Sea Ponies are weak against soy sauce.)
2. Jobs, careers, and housing for your species/race and a look at how hard life will be for you.
3. Mating, and finding a mate of your species.
4. A look into health and diets.
5. A bit of history of your species.
6. Living average life.
7. How to survive in pony society. (Because other societies are very biased towards humans. But most of pony society are very accepting, but there will be starring on the first day. Don't worry, they'll go blind.)
And many, many, more things. So remember, when life seems jolly rotten, once you've hit the bottom, just try to laugh and dance and sing. Because with a little willpower, your really strong rather nice looking legs, and this guide. You'll not only be able to live in Equestria as your new self, but you'll be able to thrive.
So don't panic, and remember that your new life can only go up from here. Unless you're stupid, then it won't... At all. But, as they say now-a days, "When life gives you lemons, take them and throw them on the ground. Because you wanted apples, and the universe decided that you should get lemons instead."
Griffons. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this word? Is it fluffy bunnies? Kittens with unnaturally large eyes and heads? Cake? If you didn't think of these things, good, because that means you aren't a dummy. Because, Griffons, according to this guide, are as follows: Rude, loud, feathery, evil, knievel, rambunctious, passionate, artistic and an over complexe race of creatures. In fact, they are the 4th most popular Pie pony a human such as you, can turn into. If you are a Griffon then please, read on. If you however, are not a Griffon, that's okay too... Well not really, as I'll be fined the damages caused by stupid humans who decided they wanted to fly when they didn't have wings. And no one would be happy.
But overall Griffons are an amazing species with a unique, and rather raw culture. For example, in Griffon society greeting another Griffon starts with a good punch to the face. After a series of loud angry grunts once the punch to the face is complete, you hug and head-butt each other to finish the greeting. So, while you attempt to survive being a Griffon remember this:
Rule 3: A good punch to the face means they like you, but a good luggie to the eyes means they want all your stuff.
Though, we digress. And you thought we'd ramble on about fighting crazies trying to beat the living tar out of you. Well, we're not, we’ll get back to that later. But we will cover what you have changed into. Because the likely chance is that you've never seen a Griffon, as dashing as they are.
Griffons are a race of half bird, half lion things. How they got that way is still a mystery to scientists today. However, it is proven that if you scratch behind their heads, give them nice milk, and let them be total control freaks over your couch, they won't beat you up. That is, now that you are a Griffon, you know to stay away from the tempting milk and couch. Remember, couch bad. Milk bad. The flying head which gives weapons is good.
Now, Griffons are covered in a thick coat of fur and feathers. Feathers being on the upper region of the body, and fur being in the lower section. Though, as itchy as it sounds, life with all the feathers and fur is actually quite lovely.
One thing you humans might notice about your new body is the use of claws, which resemble hands. Humans for the longest time complained that when they entered our world said hands were the one thing they missed the most. That was except for unicorns, who showed off to the other non-magic ponies all the cool stuff unicorns could do. Which in the end, the unicorn got an A+ in the class, while the Pegasi and Earth ponies got rocks... Which in pony society means an R. Meaning you didn't do too well.
With these claws human-Griffons find life to be fun, as not only can they fly, but they can perform dragon shouts... That is more or less shouts that sound like they came from dragons. Because honestly, if dragons had shouts that would be weird. Most of the time, human-Griffons are reported living some of the most happy and more well adapted lives in Equestria. Why is this? Well, if you can read, which we hope you can then the reasons above should be read again.
You might also find that thing where a mouth should be is replaced by a beak. A sharp beak that looks like it belongs on a cereal box. Though at first it seems like the beak would be a challenge to use, it really isn’t all that difficult. For instance, one day, the author had signed up (forced) to partake in several odd experiments dealing with acid, nitroglycerine, and wonderfully scented candles. The end result was that I had a beak. A toucan beak. They tested whether I could eat a coconut in one bite. And it took three bites to eat it whole. Why? We're not sure. Though believe it or not it's actually easier to whistle with a beak at times.
Which do you prefer? Pony, or Griffon. If you said Griffon, then you read too far and decided to come back to this point. If you did do this, please report yourself to your guardian if they had come to Equestria with you, and if they didn't, well... Just don't do it again. If you didn't, good, let's cover what being a Griffon is in the world, and how you'll need to act around ponies and other Griffons. Because a happy human can't start his frolicking in the fields till we learn everything.
Griffon life and pony life are very different. In this guide's brother guide, we covered most of pony society, and if you are a Griffon-pony-human and you read the first guide, not much was explained for you. But since we covered pony society means we can skip the long, and rather awkward history of the ponies. And instead move on to the rather awkward history of the Griffons.
History 2: A long time ago, in the deep North that can only be found going south. There lived a mighty Griffon. This Griffon, who had slain dragons, demons, giant fish, badgers with big pointy teeth, and the occasional loon, was the greatest Griffon ever. His name, was Herby. Herby the mighty Griffon, as legend tells, was the first ever human Griffon from the far north to be honored as some kind of king. Though today his once great statue is now a place where Griffons get drunk and hang out. He'd be so proud. His significance though is very important. Because in Griffon society, during his reign, he had created the first ever noob system of accepting. What this does is it makes humans, such as himself and you, suffer less while being in their society. Or, at least for a short period of time. The reason Herby had made this system was because bullies, for the longest time, kept taking his beloved bagel sandwiches.
Now, you might be asking, as you tend to do a lot. "Hey! What does that have to do with anything? And why is it you act like living with Griffons is so bad? Surely it isn't that bad.... Right?" No, actually it's quite a rough way to live. Remember that little bit about humans being happy as Griffons? Well, that's only in other societies. In Griffon society, that's not the case... At all.
To give you an idea of how rough it is, lets look at their form of currency. Can you guess what that is? If you answered with bits. Then yes, that only counts for foreigners. For local currency within the Griffon Empire, is teeth. Yes teeth. Why teeth? Because they can be grown back. (Sometimes) But mainly because for those wanting some cold hard teeth love to obtain their valuable prize. That is, by beating the living crap out of you till some teeth get knocked out. If your teeth are white, shinny, and amazing they'll only take one tooth. This is because the better the condition of teeth the more the worth. Though, this is only the case in the major cities. In other places, they except old teeth as well.
Remember that one rule above? Well, if you offer a tooth to a Griffon, they might hiss at you and run away like you'd just shown a sparkling vampire-pony a decent film. So... To keep you from being killed, follow this rule:
Rule 4: Don't live with the Griffons.
If you are insane, or worse, stupid, then live with the Griffons. For the rest of their culture is violent, destructive, not very nice, and actually well structured in terms of government and healthcare. I mean you really don’t know how cheap housing is there either, and I heard from some guy that they have excellent taco stands there to. Though, just find any old tooth and wear it around your neck, if some random stranger eyes you and wants something, offer the tooth, and they will flee.
The rest of their society consists of the following:
1. Fighting... And drinking.
2. Brawling... And drinking.
3. Creating fine art... While drunk.
4.Making delicious pies... While sober.
5. And handling rather sophisticated governmental problems... While drunk.
If you were that type of human who, for some reason died by... Something stupid, this society is just for you. If you are more timid, and shy, live with the ponies. (Or just the Pegasi.)
Fun fact! Did you know Griffons can walk on clouds? They can also peel a lemon in two seconds flat! While I had a beak I discovered that, and don't ask me why I had that thought floating in my head... Wait, why is it I remember bottles next to me the next morning... Stay away from cider, it has a weird effect on ponies.
Now that you know about your body, people/Griffon things and some neat things about Griffons. Let's look into the topic of jobs. Because besides teeth you need to gain bits to get anywhere in the world. No seriously, do you know how much a Pegasus taxi cost today? Well, it isn't cheap, so having some money in your pocket will become a vital key to your survival.
In this fast paced world of carts and outdoor arcades, life is all about spending and making money. Well, not really, but the two are about three feet away from each other. Do you remember the claws you had? Well those, especially in pony society (and all other societies in general) need things like you! So down below we've made a small list of jobs Griffons, like yourself, can profit very nicely off of.
Now, since Griffons don't have cutie marks their special talent must be decided by you. So, for all you know your new self might be really good at juggling turtles, or making puppet shows. Or just not doing anything, and staring into the unknown/eternity with a smooth calming voice playing in your head narrating every thought. But we digress. Just remember that no job is too tough, unless it requires you to be tough, then it will be tough; and you won't be happy. Because work sucks.
1. Lifting barrels for airships, and Viking Griffon ships.
2. Trading manager, and trading with Viking Griffons.
3. The official town order enforcer. (This job pays well, and unlike most law enforcement, you get payed to beat the living snot out of ponies/Vikings because they did something stupid.)
4. Being the town’s Viking.
5. Flight trainer. (Though, we've heard of issues where Griffon-human flight trainers try to catch students with little red and white spheres. But it's clear that those crazy loons wanted to catch all the of the flight students, and not just a few.)
6. Blacksmith. (You make odd things like: Spears, swords, and other such items of death. Oh, and you make sunglasses that on the off chance can fire some sort of projectile.)
7. Viking Griffon blacksmith.
8. And basically every other job a pony can have. (Only, the laws for foreign races to work are slightly different in Equestria. You, as a Griffon working at a postal service, can get paid a whole year worth in bits in one sitting each year, and to top it off you are only required to work two weeks a year. Why? You might ask, unfortunately we aren’t sure.)
Though just to be safe, we would advise doing what you did on Earth before you came here. Which was something weird, so it's best to just stick with that. (Or not depending on who you are.)
Just for a moment, sit there and think of how far you've come. That's right, you handsome/beautiful sexy thing you. Just admire how far you've come... Have you thought about it yet? Wow, so soon? Well, of course you did think about it so fast, we're only halfway(ish) through it, you big dummy. And now, you have money in your... Something, but no place to stay. This will not do! Especially with no family to turn to, you'll just have to find homes the old fashion way. On your own. So, it is wise that while searching for a home of your very own to follow this rule carefully.
Rule 4: If, in any way you find a crack in a wall in a new house, it means that the universe sometime during your stay will suck it up into a vortex of light. Because even the universe gets peckish, and nothing says yummy like a good old Griffon-human owned home.
So, to prevent your possibly not so hard earned cash from going down the toilet, look out for cracks in your home. Because it is a popular and well know fact that 1 out of 500,000 could have their home swallowed up by a random light vortex if cracks are present. This especially goes for cracks in the shape of the letter T.
Besides this, housing is fairly easy to find as a Griffon. Because, unlike unicorns and earth ponies, you've got the ability to walk on clouds, so even more cloud real-estate it open to you. However, it is advised not to live on the sea. Griffons don't like water. Just picture this: You are out on an island, and your only way off is in a boat with a tiger. Now, you don't like this tiger, and it wants to eat you. So, you do what any normal Griffon would do in this situation. You punch it in the face and take the boat. However, you realize that water can damage the soft delicate skin beneath the fur and feathers, and chafing occurs. You then become a very, very unhappy Griffon-human. This is the main reason water sucks.
Look at you, you stud/studess. A nice home somewhere, and some nice bits in your pocket. (And some teeth too, that is if you are that kind of Griffon-human.) Though, you can't help but feel a great emptiness, and aching pain in your heart. If you do feel this feeling it probably means you're having a heart attack. But if you are not having a heart attack, it means you are... Well, lonely.
As stated in this guides brother guide, you should stay away from love, but it never said anything about one night things. And if you aren't lonely, skip this part of the chapter now, or take a second to get popcorn or something. For those who are craving to seek out a special... Griffon, of their own, stay. You'll have to wait to get your popcorn.
Now, Griffon love is not like that of a pony. While pony love is very similar to human love (or so we are told) means that it probably wasn't hard for a pony-human to find a mate. While a Griffon, on the other claw... That is a different matter altogether. It is advised that while seeking out a special Griffon of your very own to follow this rule, because if you don't... Well, let's just say you'll be waking up in a hospital with the injuries that seem like you were in a cheap horror film.
Rule 5: Be as violent as possible, and mate only when you can safely knock out the female.
Griffon mating works much differently than that of the ponies. For instance; in order to gain the interest of a female, you must first fight in single battle. Whether that battle be from fighting your cat, to an epic battle with a crab. It doesn't matter, even a battle with your mother will do. Next, you must have a scar to prove you have done this battle, the better the scar the more sexy you are. Finally, you take her on romantic dates in the moonlight. Candlelight is a must, and some nice aged wine. You should also go to a movie, eat dinner, look at art, and all that other romantic business. Then you take her home, and prepare for mating.
But... There is a catch. Upon preparing to mate, you both must fight in claw to claw combat until you and your mate are worn out from the heat of battle, and it is safe to knock her out. Usually, this engagement of both genders last anywhere from 45 seconds, to 45 hours. Though, once the battle has ended, you proceed to mate as many times as you want, or until she wakes up... Then she takes you and forcefully mates with you with the most violent lust imaginable. It is important to note that in between matings, you'll have to battle again every other time you wish to mate. This all ends once you marry your mate, in which case the both mates duel with a weapon of their choosing until one overpowers the other. After that, you have been married and you'll never have to battle in brutal combat again.
If you're not the Griffon type though, stay away from the complete insanity of mating with Griffons. Just go for a pony, or something else. It should be easier... No... It will be easier.
Here is a small list of races that work the best with Griffons:
1. Ponies. (For obvious reasons.)
2. Zebras. (Their culture can be very laid back, and those who don't usually like to be outgoing can find comfort with the Zebras.)
3. Alicor- (Uh, let's just move on shall we?)
4. Donkeys. (You would be surprised. I once had a Donkey as a science partner. Donkeys are actually very caring creatures, and extremely excepting once you get to know them.)
5. Dragons. (If you are one of those rough-it tough-it bad to the bone kind of Griffon, Dragons are the suitable mating choice for you. That is, unless you would like another Griffon more.)
The most important thing to remember when taking a mate though, is to keep your cool. I mean, have you ever smelt a Griffon sweat? It's revolting, and a bath should be located as soon as possible. Either that or you try and keep calm, that way nopony has to endure the torture of smelling a sweaty Griffon.
Now, being a Griffon, you might have a lot of question about what you can and can’t eat. Are there certain things about my body that I should know that might be... Weird? Like, do I have three tongues, and I just don't know it? Firstly, don't panic. Next, no you do not have three tongues, or at least three of anything for that matter. At least not that we know of.
Over all though, you need to make sure you do the following to make sure you have a healthy, long life in our fair land. Oh, and stay away from grapefruits. Griffons can't eat grapefruits. The very smell can send one into a frenzy that would otherwise be seen only in an overly-dramatic monster romance drama.
Good Things to Do: Keep your feathers/fur clean. Beef yourself up. (And by this, we mean eat lots of raw eggs.) And, make sure you have a gift to give on standby in case another Griffon is looking for teeth to collect.
Bad Things to Do: Eating Grapefruits.
Good Foods: Everything! Just not Grapefruits.
Bad Foods: Grapefruits.
Generally, keeping your claws and beak clean is also a very good thing to do, if you're not sure how to take care of these things, ask your local librarian or doctor. That way you can have a very informative, yet awkward conversation about Griffons and their bodies.
So, let's re-cap over what we learned today, shall we? We learned that, not only do Grapefruits drive Griffons crazy (quite literally crazy), but they also act as a natural repellent against bugs. However, it is advised you, as a Griffon, do not use a grapefruit as an insect repellent. I mean really, have you been paying attention?
Though, if you remember that little bit where we said to look at yourself, now would be the time. As now, you have the following:
1. A home.
3. Knowledge of your new self, and race.
4. A job.
5. And a mate. (Optional... Well sort of, it's up to you... Wait a second... Wouldn't that make it optional? No, that's just silly.)
A good thing to remember is, as a Griffon, you need to have fun with the second chance the universe suddenly gave you. Because deep down inside, it secretly sits there, crying because you found this guide. Why? Because the whole purpose of getting you here was to make your life terrible, or in some cases, worse than it was on Earth. But that is simply not the case here. Instead, you now live a good life, and hopefully with hard work, and a little luck, your new Griffon life will be a good one. That is, unless you are stupid, in which case you are screwed, and we can't help you.
But with all this new information life will be a breeze. As if you are that smart... Thing we all know you are you’ll have no trouble whatsoever. But it is that time again, for another chapter to end.
As always, we close this chapter and move on to the next chapter. Which will cover our lovable, kindly, old Sea Ponies. What is a Sea Pony? You’ll have to wait till the next chapter, you silly thing you. But don’t fret, the guide will return.
I regret to inform you all that I am not going to continue the guide. I had originally thought that I could tackle another section of this guide. But after long, and rather hard thought I have come to the realization I just can't go on with this. It's extremely hard to write this, despite the short chapters, and while I had for the most part a lot of fun with this, I now feel like it is a distraction from some other writing projects that I would like to get done. As a result I will put this on hiatus, as I feel making it cancelled is a little to hard for me to do.
Though, I would like to say that it makes me very happy that you guys care and read my work. Especially with how random and goofy it may be. But really what I am trying to say is thank you, for the support, wonderful comments, and for following this wacky thing. Heck I even had one guy call it inspirational, which was kind of shocking to me, but in a good way.
This, despite it's size, is my first completed work. It is also one of the works I am most proud of, as even now I go back and read the stuff I wrote a long time ago and think, "Wow, I really wrote that? That's freakin funny, did I write that? No, I'm not that funny... Or am I? I don't know! *explodes*" Silliness aside, I'm glad that for some readers the newest updates were just amazing. Because when I sat there in a car, looking down in the side holder of the passenger seat of said car listening to some of music made by Mozart. I see the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and get the idea to make this. I never thought, it would get this big, and I know I've said that before but it is true and even now it baffles me.
I'm actually pretty sad while writing this message to you, the reader. I even watering up a bit, but that really isn't important. What is important is that I say that I will not go on. So I say thank you, you wonderful fantastic reader you, because reading this guide and supporting it with all your jokes, and comments has lifted my spirits to keep writing many of my other works. Even if they're not guide related, I still look back to this.
All in all though, I am very happy to have wrote this. It was a good experience and for most of it, it was a fun thing to write. However, it's time for me to write this message as I probably won't pick it up again. With that I say, "So long, and thanks for all the Lemons... No wait that's not it... Uh... So long and thanks for all the ponies. Yeah, that works."
(Note: I am not leaving the fanbase. I know a lot of you know that, but to me the end kind of sounds like I am. That's a mistake on my part, I'm just too lazy to fix it.)