• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Section II: Griffons, the amazing race of wacko's


Griffons. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear this word? Is it fluffy bunnies? Kittens with unnaturally large eyes and heads? Cake? If you didn't think of these things, good, because that means you aren't a dummy. Because, Griffons, according to this guide, are as follows: Rude, loud, feathery, evil, knievel, rambunctious, passionate, artistic and an over complexe race of creatures. In fact, they are the 4th most popular Pie pony a human such as you, can turn into. If you are a Griffon then please, read on. If you however, are not a Griffon, that's okay too... Well not really, as I'll be fined the damages caused by stupid humans who decided they wanted to fly when they didn't have wings. And no one would be happy.

But overall Griffons are an amazing species with a unique, and rather raw culture. For example, in Griffon society greeting another Griffon starts with a good punch to the face. After a series of loud angry grunts once the punch to the face is complete, you hug and head-butt each other to finish the greeting. So, while you attempt to survive being a Griffon remember this:

Rule 3: A good punch to the face means they like you, but a good luggie to the eyes means they want all your stuff.

Though, we digress. And you thought we'd ramble on about fighting crazies trying to beat the living tar out of you. Well, we're not, we’ll get back to that later. But we will cover what you have changed into. Because the likely chance is that you've never seen a Griffon, as dashing as they are.

Griffons are a race of half bird, half lion things. How they got that way is still a mystery to scientists today. However, it is proven that if you scratch behind their heads, give them nice milk, and let them be total control freaks over your couch, they won't beat you up. That is, now that you are a Griffon, you know to stay away from the tempting milk and couch. Remember, couch bad. Milk bad. The flying head which gives weapons is good.

Now, Griffons are covered in a thick coat of fur and feathers. Feathers being on the upper region of the body, and fur being in the lower section. Though, as itchy as it sounds, life with all the feathers and fur is actually quite lovely.

One thing you humans might notice about your new body is the use of claws, which resemble hands. Humans for the longest time complained that when they entered our world said hands were the one thing they missed the most. That was except for unicorns, who showed off to the other non-magic ponies all the cool stuff unicorns could do. Which in the end, the unicorn got an A+ in the class, while the Pegasi and Earth ponies got rocks... Which in pony society means an R. Meaning you didn't do too well.

With these claws human-Griffons find life to be fun, as not only can they fly, but they can perform dragon shouts... That is more or less shouts that sound like they came from dragons. Because honestly, if dragons had shouts that would be weird. Most of the time, human-Griffons are reported living some of the most happy and more well adapted lives in Equestria. Why is this? Well, if you can read, which we hope you can then the reasons above should be read again.

You might also find that thing where a mouth should be is replaced by a beak. A sharp beak that looks like it belongs on a cereal box. Though at first it seems like the beak would be a challenge to use, it really isn’t all that difficult. For instance, one day, the author had signed up (forced) to partake in several odd experiments dealing with acid, nitroglycerine, and wonderfully scented candles. The end result was that I had a beak. A toucan beak. They tested whether I could eat a coconut in one bite. And it took three bites to eat it whole. Why? We're not sure. Though believe it or not it's actually easier to whistle with a beak at times.

Which do you prefer? Pony, or Griffon. If you said Griffon, then you read too far and decided to come back to this point. If you did do this, please report yourself to your guardian if they had come to Equestria with you, and if they didn't, well... Just don't do it again. If you didn't, good, let's cover what being a Griffon is in the world, and how you'll need to act around ponies and other Griffons. Because a happy human can't start his frolicking in the fields till we learn everything.

Griffon life and pony life are very different. In this guide's brother guide, we covered most of pony society, and if you are a Griffon-pony-human and you read the first guide, not much was explained for you. But since we covered pony society means we can skip the long, and rather awkward history of the ponies. And instead move on to the rather awkward history of the Griffons.

History 2: A long time ago, in the deep North that can only be found going south. There lived a mighty Griffon. This Griffon, who had slain dragons, demons, giant fish, badgers with big pointy teeth, and the occasional loon, was the greatest Griffon ever. His name, was Herby. Herby the mighty Griffon, as legend tells, was the first ever human Griffon from the far north to be honored as some kind of king. Though today his once great statue is now a place where Griffons get drunk and hang out. He'd be so proud. His significance though is very important. Because in Griffon society, during his reign, he had created the first ever noob system of accepting. What this does is it makes humans, such as himself and you, suffer less while being in their society. Or, at least for a short period of time. The reason Herby had made this system was because bullies, for the longest time, kept taking his beloved bagel sandwiches.

Now, you might be asking, as you tend to do a lot. "Hey! What does that have to do with anything? And why is it you act like living with Griffons is so bad? Surely it isn't that bad.... Right?" No, actually it's quite a rough way to live. Remember that little bit about humans being happy as Griffons? Well, that's only in other societies. In Griffon society, that's not the case... At all.

To give you an idea of how rough it is, lets look at their form of currency. Can you guess what that is? If you answered with bits. Then yes, that only counts for foreigners. For local currency within the Griffon Empire, is teeth. Yes teeth. Why teeth? Because they can be grown back. (Sometimes) But mainly because for those wanting some cold hard teeth love to obtain their valuable prize. That is, by beating the living crap out of you till some teeth get knocked out. If your teeth are white, shinny, and amazing they'll only take one tooth. This is because the better the condition of teeth the more the worth. Though, this is only the case in the major cities. In other places, they except old teeth as well.

Remember that one rule above? Well, if you offer a tooth to a Griffon, they might hiss at you and run away like you'd just shown a sparkling vampire-pony a decent film. So... To keep you from being killed, follow this rule:

Rule 4: Don't live with the Griffons.

If you are insane, or worse, stupid, then live with the Griffons. For the rest of their culture is violent, destructive, not very nice, and actually well structured in terms of government and healthcare. I mean you really don’t know how cheap housing is there either, and I heard from some guy that they have excellent taco stands there to. Though, just find any old tooth and wear it around your neck, if some random stranger eyes you and wants something, offer the tooth, and they will flee.

The rest of their society consists of the following:

1. Fighting... And drinking.

2. Brawling... And drinking.

3. Creating fine art... While drunk.

4.Making delicious pies... While sober.

5. And handling rather sophisticated governmental problems... While drunk.

If you were that type of human who, for some reason died by... Something stupid, this society is just for you. If you are more timid, and shy, live with the ponies. (Or just the Pegasi.)

Fun fact! Did you know Griffons can walk on clouds? They can also peel a lemon in two seconds flat! While I had a beak I discovered that, and don't ask me why I had that thought floating in my head... Wait, why is it I remember bottles next to me the next morning... Stay away from cider, it has a weird effect on ponies.

Now that you know about your body, people/Griffon things and some neat things about Griffons. Let's look into the topic of jobs. Because besides teeth you need to gain bits to get anywhere in the world. No seriously, do you know how much a Pegasus taxi cost today? Well, it isn't cheap, so having some money in your pocket will become a vital key to your survival.

In this fast paced world of carts and outdoor arcades, life is all about spending and making money. Well, not really, but the two are about three feet away from each other. Do you remember the claws you had? Well those, especially in pony society (and all other societies in general) need things like you! So down below we've made a small list of jobs Griffons, like yourself, can profit very nicely off of.

Now, since Griffons don't have cutie marks their special talent must be decided by you. So, for all you know your new self might be really good at juggling turtles, or making puppet shows. Or just not doing anything, and staring into the unknown/eternity with a smooth calming voice playing in your head narrating every thought. But we digress. Just remember that no job is too tough, unless it requires you to be tough, then it will be tough; and you won't be happy. Because work sucks.

1. Lifting barrels for airships, and Viking Griffon ships.

2. Trading manager, and trading with Viking Griffons.

3. The official town order enforcer. (This job pays well, and unlike most law enforcement, you get payed to beat the living snot out of ponies/Vikings because they did something stupid.)

4. Being the town’s Viking.

5. Flight trainer. (Though, we've heard of issues where Griffon-human flight trainers try to catch students with little red and white spheres. But it's clear that those crazy loons wanted to catch all the of the flight students, and not just a few.)

6. Blacksmith. (You make odd things like: Spears, swords, and other such items of death. Oh, and you make sunglasses that on the off chance can fire some sort of projectile.)

7. Viking Griffon blacksmith.

8. And basically every other job a pony can have. (Only, the laws for foreign races to work are slightly different in Equestria. You, as a Griffon working at a postal service, can get paid a whole year worth in bits in one sitting each year, and to top it off you are only required to work two weeks a year. Why? You might ask, unfortunately we aren’t sure.)

Though just to be safe, we would advise doing what you did on Earth before you came here. Which was something weird, so it's best to just stick with that. (Or not depending on who you are.)

Just for a moment, sit there and think of how far you've come. That's right, you handsome/beautiful sexy thing you. Just admire how far you've come... Have you thought about it yet? Wow, so soon? Well, of course you did think about it so fast, we're only halfway(ish) through it, you big dummy. And now, you have money in your... Something, but no place to stay. This will not do! Especially with no family to turn to, you'll just have to find homes the old fashion way. On your own. So, it is wise that while searching for a home of your very own to follow this rule carefully.

Rule 4: If, in any way you find a crack in a wall in a new house, it means that the universe sometime during your stay will suck it up into a vortex of light. Because even the universe gets peckish, and nothing says yummy like a good old Griffon-human owned home.

So, to prevent your possibly not so hard earned cash from going down the toilet, look out for cracks in your home. Because it is a popular and well know fact that 1 out of 500,000 could have their home swallowed up by a random light vortex if cracks are present. This especially goes for cracks in the shape of the letter T.

Besides this, housing is fairly easy to find as a Griffon. Because, unlike unicorns and earth ponies, you've got the ability to walk on clouds, so even more cloud real-estate it open to you. However, it is advised not to live on the sea. Griffons don't like water. Just picture this: You are out on an island, and your only way off is in a boat with a tiger. Now, you don't like this tiger, and it wants to eat you. So, you do what any normal Griffon would do in this situation. You punch it in the face and take the boat. However, you realize that water can damage the soft delicate skin beneath the fur and feathers, and chafing occurs. You then become a very, very unhappy Griffon-human. This is the main reason water sucks.

Look at you, you stud/studess. A nice home somewhere, and some nice bits in your pocket. (And some teeth too, that is if you are that kind of Griffon-human.) Though, you can't help but feel a great emptiness, and aching pain in your heart. If you do feel this feeling it probably means you're having a heart attack. But if you are not having a heart attack, it means you are... Well, lonely.

As stated in this guides brother guide, you should stay away from love, but it never said anything about one night things. And if you aren't lonely, skip this part of the chapter now, or take a second to get popcorn or something. For those who are craving to seek out a special... Griffon, of their own, stay. You'll have to wait to get your popcorn.

Now, Griffon love is not like that of a pony. While pony love is very similar to human love (or so we are told) means that it probably wasn't hard for a pony-human to find a mate. While a Griffon, on the other claw... That is a different matter altogether. It is advised that while seeking out a special Griffon of your very own to follow this rule, because if you don't... Well, let's just say you'll be waking up in a hospital with the injuries that seem like you were in a cheap horror film.

Rule 5: Be as violent as possible, and mate only when you can safely knock out the female.

Griffon mating works much differently than that of the ponies. For instance; in order to gain the interest of a female, you must first fight in single battle. Whether that battle be from fighting your cat, to an epic battle with a crab. It doesn't matter, even a battle with your mother will do. Next, you must have a scar to prove you have done this battle, the better the scar the more sexy you are. Finally, you take her on romantic dates in the moonlight. Candlelight is a must, and some nice aged wine. You should also go to a movie, eat dinner, look at art, and all that other romantic business. Then you take her home, and prepare for mating.

But... There is a catch. Upon preparing to mate, you both must fight in claw to claw combat until you and your mate are worn out from the heat of battle, and it is safe to knock her out. Usually, this engagement of both genders last anywhere from 45 seconds, to 45 hours. Though, once the battle has ended, you proceed to mate as many times as you want, or until she wakes up... Then she takes you and forcefully mates with you with the most violent lust imaginable. It is important to note that in between matings, you'll have to battle again every other time you wish to mate. This all ends once you marry your mate, in which case the both mates duel with a weapon of their choosing until one overpowers the other. After that, you have been married and you'll never have to battle in brutal combat again.

If you're not the Griffon type though, stay away from the complete insanity of mating with Griffons. Just go for a pony, or something else. It should be easier... No... It will be easier.

Here is a small list of races that work the best with Griffons:

1. Ponies. (For obvious reasons.)

2. Zebras. (Their culture can be very laid back, and those who don't usually like to be outgoing can find comfort with the Zebras.)

3. Alicor- (Uh, let's just move on shall we?)

4. Donkeys. (You would be surprised. I once had a Donkey as a science partner. Donkeys are actually very caring creatures, and extremely excepting once you get to know them.)

5. Dragons. (If you are one of those rough-it tough-it bad to the bone kind of Griffon, Dragons are the suitable mating choice for you. That is, unless you would like another Griffon more.)

The most important thing to remember when taking a mate though, is to keep your cool. I mean, have you ever smelt a Griffon sweat? It's revolting, and a bath should be located as soon as possible. Either that or you try and keep calm, that way nopony has to endure the torture of smelling a sweaty Griffon.

Now, being a Griffon, you might have a lot of question about what you can and can’t eat. Are there certain things about my body that I should know that might be... Weird? Like, do I have three tongues, and I just don't know it? Firstly, don't panic. Next, no you do not have three tongues, or at least three of anything for that matter. At least not that we know of.

Over all though, you need to make sure you do the following to make sure you have a healthy, long life in our fair land. Oh, and stay away from grapefruits. Griffons can't eat grapefruits. The very smell can send one into a frenzy that would otherwise be seen only in an overly-dramatic monster romance drama.

Good Things to Do: Keep your feathers/fur clean. Beef yourself up. (And by this, we mean eat lots of raw eggs.) And, make sure you have a gift to give on standby in case another Griffon is looking for teeth to collect.

Bad Things to Do: Eating Grapefruits.

Good Foods: Everything! Just not Grapefruits.

Bad Foods: Grapefruits.

Generally, keeping your claws and beak clean is also a very good thing to do, if you're not sure how to take care of these things, ask your local librarian or doctor. That way you can have a very informative, yet awkward conversation about Griffons and their bodies.

So, let's re-cap over what we learned today, shall we? We learned that, not only do Grapefruits drive Griffons crazy (quite literally crazy), but they also act as a natural repellent against bugs. However, it is advised you, as a Griffon, do not use a grapefruit as an insect repellent. I mean really, have you been paying attention?

Though, if you remember that little bit where we said to look at yourself, now would be the time. As now, you have the following:

1. A home.

2. Money.

3. Knowledge of your new self, and race.

4. A job.

5. And a mate. (Optional... Well sort of, it's up to you... Wait a second... Wouldn't that make it optional? No, that's just silly.)

A good thing to remember is, as a Griffon, you need to have fun with the second chance the universe suddenly gave you. Because deep down inside, it secretly sits there, crying because you found this guide. Why? Because the whole purpose of getting you here was to make your life terrible, or in some cases, worse than it was on Earth. But that is simply not the case here. Instead, you now live a good life, and hopefully with hard work, and a little luck, your new Griffon life will be a good one. That is, unless you are stupid, in which case you are screwed, and we can't help you.

But with all this new information life will be a breeze. As if you are that smart... Thing we all know you are you’ll have no trouble whatsoever. But it is that time again, for another chapter to end.

As always, we close this chapter and move on to the next chapter. Which will cover our lovable, kindly, old Sea Ponies. What is a Sea Pony? You’ll have to wait till the next chapter, you silly thing you. But don’t fret, the guide will return.

(Next Chapter: Sea Ponies)
(Previous Chapter: Introduction)

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Author's Note:

Yeah, I think I did good with this chapter. Sorry for the long wait though, life has been... Well life. And you know how that goes. Anyway, I hope you like the chapter! As always this guide was made for the pure awesome enjoyment of writing. This, by no means is to be taken seriously. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did! Oh, and if you could point out errors that me, or my proofreaders missed while editing, please post those errors in the comment section below.