• Published 9th Feb 2012
  • 15,138 Views, 573 Comments

The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

  • ...

Halt Criminal scum!

HALT CRIMINAL SCUM(exclamation point)

"It is a popular fact, that not everything is as it seems."

A famous pony once said this, though we don't remember which famous pony it was because you all followed the last section and are now one of the many humans we all know about. Though we will take you almost out of the equation for this section, because in this section, we will cover the many laws in Equestria.

"Wait, hold it. There are laws here?" is what you might be thinking. And, despite popular belief, there are. Quite a lot actually, and as a guide to your life it is imperative you know most of the basic and most sacred laws of Equestria. But before we cover the laws we have a special message for Alicorns. This is written word by word from the Big Book of Magic Equestrian Laws: "If thou is of Alicorn nature thou can onlith(?) be punished by being sent to the moon for 9345 million years. In addition, you will be sent to the moon of despair. Tis a moon with moreith dispairith then thy other moon thy planet has."

Basically it states that if you are an Alicorn then you have no future and you are stupid (Those were Celestia's personal words.). If however you are not, then you should be fine. But for those of you reading this guide that are in fact, an Alicorn, our best piece of advice is to hide, and never come out.

If you do have wings and a horn means you might be an Alicorn. "Might?" you ask. Well let us explain before moving forward. You see a Alicorn is of all the races of ponies, however there are a few who only have the traits of two. Like Prince Blueblood and Princess Cadance. The prince has the traits of both a unicorn and earth pony, while Cadance has the traits of a unicorn and a pegasus. (Wait, but if she looks like one, then how come they know she's not a real Alicorn.) Why that's simple, because they're are made of rainbows, and kitten donuts. Well, sort of.

Below we have a list of the few major rules all of Equestria goes by. Please note that some places have different laws than others, and as such may result in different punishments for different crimes.

1. Do not steal.

2. Do not sing terribly during random song time.

3. Do not anger Celestia our goddess.

4. Do not piss off a kitten. (This law was made shortly after twelve ponies were found with their.. well... It's best we don't say what happened.)

5. Do NOT be an Alicorn.

6. Do not be insane.

7. Do not listen to insane ponies or you too will become insane.

8. Wubs are restricted to certain places, like your house or a quiet area.

9. No taunting the guards or violating their mothers.

10. Obey the laws above.

These laws are some of the most easy and basic rules one should follow. Almost everypony knows that the penalty for committing one of these crimes can result in... bad things. We are not sure as to what kind of bad things, but they are probably very bad. So it is probably best to stick to these rules for your own well being, and to be on the safe side.

Now you might be asking yourself who are these mystical ponies who protect the law and shout, "Halt criminal scum! You violated a pony with your eyes. You should be ashamed." Well these ponies are the Equestrian Guard. Please do not get them confused for the Canterlot Royal Guard. Because unlike the high class soldiers of Canterlot, the normal guards have better feelings than their royal counterparts. And if you are asking, yes you must be soulless to be a royal guard. However the normal guards do have souls which if we knew why the royal guards had no soul then we might know a little more about the universe then we already do. But beside that, we know that the universe hates you, but not totally. That is a fact.

As stated above guards regulate law and order throughout Equestria and as such are charged with the duty of protecting her majesties ponies from eeeeeevil. Like how the robot police protect our normal citizens from robots, because at any time a robot could strike.

Though if you are not a robot please follow this rule:

Rule 15: All robots should be reported to the local authorities or be... shunned.

And as a citizen of Equestria, being shunned is one of the worst punishments of all. But we have heard of worse punishments, that is from you humans at least. One human told us that the punishment for stealing in one city is a banana in your ear, oddly most humans that have reported this (one human) have turned into unicorns.

Back on topic. We covered some of the most basic laws above, but what about the other important laws? Well we are about get to that. But before we go into the subject we need to take a moment of silence for those with no souls, like robots and the royal guard.


That is enough, they just don't have souls so it's not a real big deal. Though if you are a guard then please do not take offence to this. If you are a guard though, you probably won't care.

As said above we will discuss more laws there are, and what guards look for and how to avoid... shunning... ness. Or worse, the banana... Please note that the following laws are restricted to certain cities so not all of them may affect you. However these laws are found in most cities so more then likely they do.

(We will also cover their punishments.)

1. Staring at a pony that is pink. (If you do so 1 of two things will happen: 1. Your eyes will explode. 2. You will puke a rainbow. Laws have been placed from staring at such ponies to stop you from certain destruction.)

2. Stealing cookies from ponies. (Depending on the cookie you might have to pay anywhere from 357 bits to 1 bit. For instance, if you take a chocolate chip cookie you will need to pay a fine of 24 bits. Why so expensive? Because cookies are a treasure that all ponies cherish.)

3. Failing the flight exam. (Only for pegasi, because if you fail you get a pizza party, and there might be cookies and punch by the door.)

4. Killing massive amounts of ponies using a notebook. (We all know how this ends... and if you don't then don't try to find out.)

5. Being a unicorn and pretending to be a carrot. (Honestly what is wrong with you? The law was placed because some ponies thought it was a good idea to be a carrot. As a result many suffered from stiffness and derped eyes.)

6. Using the guide to sell watches. (We're not even sure how that works, but the punishment is a boot to the head.)

7. Eating the glowing green stuff you found in your restroom one day. (Eating this can cause the following: Headache, swelling in the body, an obsession with jelly, hallucination, death, and derped eyes. As such the law prohibits ponies from eating such goo, the punishment for eating this is... well lets just say you won't be able to use the restroom any time soon.)

8. Running with scissors. (You'll lose an eye or two, and that is a punishment on its own.)

Now that you are aware of more laws we have here in our brave society it's time to cover small things most ponies miss when they walk around Equestria. What we mean by this is when you see a guard and he looks at you oddly like, you are doing something wrong and you might not even know you are. Like how I'm trapped though I have not done anything wrong, and well the rest speaks for itself.

History 7: One day a colt named Mooor (with three o's) was walking along in the town of Coltshire. One day as he was walking he saw a guard with a basket on his head, out of curiosity he was drawn to the guard. Why? We will never know. Though what he did next will alter the laws we live by forever. What he did was go up to him and take all the items around the guard. But before the last item was taken the basket fell off the guards head. He saw him stealing and shot him with his laser eyes. This is how the rule was made, and law you will see below.

Rule 16: Don't put baskets on guards heads, because the baskets find it rude.

You see here are some things you shouldn't do around a guard in the case of just walking around. This will prevent your death by lasers, though they shoot like stormtroopers so you don't have to worry a whole lot if you get caught. (Speaking of which, what is a “stormtrooper”? Humans seem to have used this as an insult in some instances and we have yet to figure out what it means.)

1. Do not stare at guards. (Or you too will become soulless.)

2. Do not mate on the street. (Why would you do this? The only reason we can think of is because you might be stupid.)

3. Do not take chickens and shoot them with tomatoes... in public at least.

4. Do not mount another pony like they’re an animal. (Several humans do this for entertainment. Why? We will never know.)

5. Do not trot with a melon on your head.

You might be thinking, "These can't be real laws and things ponies do So why are you telling me about them?" Well, we are sorry to disappoint you, but these are rather common. In some cities it has become tradition to screw with the Guards. Which is why in the city of New Pegasus there is a Lets screw with the guards day.

As stated above, not everything is as it seems. In this case that is true... ish.

But just as there are many kinds of ponies there are also laws for certain types of ponies. For example, there are laws restricting a pegasus pony from using lighting on the elderly. Or laws prohibiting unicorn ponies from street jousting with their horns or in any kind of public area. Though as nice as those things are to watch they are in fact illegal, and as such means you could get caught and your life would suck more.

But the only kind of pony you have to look out for is the robot ponies. They have no souls, no emotions, and they think they are ponies. Come to think of it, guards fit that description well... you are going to have to be careful in the world. Even more so with all the robot ponies around.

In fact a small underground war was started 500 years ago between the pink ponies and the robot ponies. The pink ponies use their powers to help stop the robot ponies, though this is irrelevant it is good to have this knowledge with you.

Back on topic. Even though you might be new to your life doesn't mean the guards won't treat you like any other normal criminal. Even if you are a pony with four wings, three horns, and a towel. So, to help you we will go over a brief list of major laws set to specific kinds of ponies.

(Please note, the laws in each list affect the ponies only in that list.)

Earth ponies:

1. Do not wear silly hats on serious days.

2. Do not try to jump off the side of a building using a chicken.

3. Do not try to practice magic, that's why we have alchemy.

4. Do not, [Buy some apples!] in public. (What? We really mean do not buy apples in an obscure matter. What did you think we meant?)

5. Don't be shunned.



1. Don't try and bring your friends to Equestria via magic. (You dare incur the wrath of the chocolate apocalypse?)

2. Do not use your horn as a tool of evil. (Because evil is bad, and bad is bad.)

3. Do not try and prevent the universe from using you. (This will result in decapitation... or in other words, you will become a lemon.)

4. Never divide 0 with cheese. As a pony we hope you follow this because the last pony who did turned into a cart.

5. Don't be shunned.



1. Do not eat a banana in an obscure manner. (This could cause pony aids.)

2. Do not do the following: Kill, destroy, or swag. (The last one doesn't make sense but it's banned in 2 cities... come to think of it we are not sure why.)

3. Do not try and remove your wings with a piece of paper that is made of silk.

4. You, as a pegasus, are limited to only 2 children per couple due to overpopulation. (This law is active in all cities, states, and provinces throughout Equestria. Except Ponyville.)

5. Don't be shunned.

Though we could go on and on about the various different laws in Equestria, we are absolutely sure you can find a book on all the laws and codes our society lives by. Because if we did describe them all that would take 12 years, 11 months, 5 weeks, 3 days, 21 hours, and 32 seconds. Though that is for the main Canterlot province. (If you wonder about crime here in Equestria you now know why it is almost nonexistent here.)

So this section of the guide is closing once more. A tragedy we know. But hey! You can just re-read it again right? And in our next section we will cover the most odd humans that have entered this land, and we don't mean just ponies! We will cover the poor, poor humans that have been given scales, claws, fur, and paws. Yes those kinds of humans, and since there are humans like them out there it is only fair we make a section dedicated to... Pie ponies. (That is the name the government gave them...)

So long, and pony on.

(Next: Pie ponies.)
(Previous: Becoming popular because you're cool like that.)

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(AN: Sorry if this was a shorter chapter I had a lot of trouble writing this one. Mainly because I found the subject to be hard to work with and my constant trips I have been making. Though the next section should be longer because I could go on and on and on with it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you are a fan of Echo the Diamond dog or stories about human changelings and so on you will love the next chapter.

Well anyway thanks! Did you like the guide? Why not give it a like! Loved it? How about a fav! Every fav boosts my moral and it really helps me out. Leave a comment about what you liked in this section of the guide, and point out any mistakes me or my proofreaders missed!)