• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Friendship is Awesome


In this section of the guide we will cover two very important topics, how to accept your new life and education. Because these are some of the most, and least interesting things in your life. And we all know that you don't like school, but for those younger souls or those who have younger ones please know that this section will answer your questions on the subject. However, it will not teach you how to survive said school, though the best advice we can give you is to not go to school in the first place.

The advice above was given to us by several humans while we asked about education in the human world. Most say that it is a evil stone prison that rips the very life from you, but for those of you who still wish to learn in Equestria please know that school here isn't as bad. So take it from us, don't panic.

As the title suggests we are going to cover the awkward, but essential friend making process. Note that this will not be like mating, and in some situations it can seem like you are trying to mate, but know this is normal. But it is always important to know that when meeting a new pony to not assume you are going to love the pony, but be friends. Because friendship is awesome.

In our world, both finding friends and learning, are fun and great things to do. Because no one in this world should not have friends, except stupid ponies, they don't have any friends. (We'll if you count rocks, and inanimate objects, but that falls into the line of crazy ponies so that is completely irrelevant.)

Our first topic will be for those who seek more knowledge in something via school. Now, the educational system here in Equestria can be one of two things.
1: It can be a stressful and terrible experience which in turn has caused you to waste a small portion of your new life, and as such the universe laughs at you because it made it so, or...
2: It can be an enlightening experience where you emerge smarter and much stronger in something then you were before, kind of like those super hero comics. That would be amazing, only you won't have super powers... well that's not true either if you're a unicorn... moving on.

As you might have guessed by now there are many schools for different things in Equestria, in fact there is probably a school for just about anything. From alchemy to being a bard in college, from science to sports there is a school for it.

Rule 20: School is one of the universes greatest tricks on pony kind.

As stated above, school is... well, an interesting thing. But we will come back to that later. As for the kinds of schools available we have listed a few of them below. (Due to some awkward, and otherwise weird events and reasons which will not be stated, the requirements for these schools will not be listed here. However if you send a sandwich to 756 Canter road then I'm sure you will find the requirements for said school you are looking for.)

1. The University of Awesome. (Ponies who come here leave with swag.)

2. Coltshire's Alchemy College. (This college was made for those Earth/Pegasus ponies who wish to learn their own kind of magic. Or if they want to bring their dead mother back to life...)

3. The Freaky Equestrian School of Humans and their Weird Otherworldly Problems. (The schools name says most of it, must we say more?)

3.5 Canterlot's school for Gifted and Talented Unicorns. (As the name suggests, unicorns with special or otherwise powers that seem to be better than everypony else's powers are trained here. However, it requires you to pass magic kindergarten, which is not an easy task. Also note magic kindergarten will not be mentioned in this guide, why? Because it falls into that hellish place we talked about earlier.)

4. Canterlot's school for... special ponies. (Why does this exist? Because the community decided to make a school for stupid ponies. Hopefully at this point you have followed our advice and haven't gone around flailing your hooves yelling, "I'M A PONEH WHAT HAPPENZ BLARH!!!!" But we're sure that isn't the case.)

5. Basic school for Fillies and Colts. (For the young ones, this is where you learn the basic histories, maths, and sciences of all three races. On top of this you can learn about how evil robots are, and how to combat them in case one is sent to the past to kill you.)

6. Basic college for young fliers... school. (For those pegasi that wish to find a deeper meaning to your flying sign up for this school today. Because this, yes this, is where pegasi learn to fly better. You can get a degree in cloud bucking, air show performing, combat, fun, sky parties, and pie. To this day hundreds of ponies come out successful somethings in one way or another.)

7. The Farming University. (Learn to grow all kinds of things like: Cabbage, lemons, oranges, peaches, pears which I do not approve of, and cupcake trees. Yes there is a such thing, and yes they are tasty.)

8. A University whose name I can't quite seem to remember at this time. (What?It's true...)

But defining which school is right for you is a matter of opinion and personality, because only you can choose what you want to learn... and prevent wildfires, but there's a school for that too. As for the other kinds of schools, once again follow the address above and you should be able to find all of the hundreds upon hundreds of other places to learn and where they are.

But like all things education in Equestria had a beginning. Though unlike most things in the vast universe it didn't start out as normal as one might think. Rather, it started with a cup of coffee, and a cupcake. Yes, this is how education started. Though as odd as it sounds the story behind how it started is Equally as odd, and we can guarantee this, it is all true.

History 9: On one stormy snow covered day long long long long ago there sat a gentle pony by the name of Clown Shoes. Now, he was a humble pony and with the food shortage of the day the only thing he could find to eat were cupcakes which contained nothing but butter inside. Fed up with this he sat down again, and pondered how to fix this problem. For three whole days he did nothing but beat kittens with sticks of butter hoping that it would do something. This of course did nothing but make a lot of cats slippery. Finally he opened his house to cupcake makers and taught them how to make cupcakes without butter, because at this point butter was the last thing he wanted to eat. Clown Shoes later called himself a teacher and created the first school ever. Later others thought it was a GOOD idea to open other schools where they taught you stupid things like how to ride a bike with no handlebars, or a school for ponies to float with gumdrops. If you haven't guessed already by now, the ponies who opened these places were, "stupid."

The main reason we have covered why education was formed is because humans, like yourself, have tried to open schools in the past. Many of these schools are for the most part, normal, and by normal we mean horrible boring learning places. Some of said schools are about the human world, though why they opened them to teach ponies about your world is still a mystery today.

So, if you are thinking about opening a school follow this rule:

Rule 21: Open a school to teach something useful, like ninja pony hunting where one does not get bored.

Though one can get by in this world even with basic knowledge from your world, and by this we mean math and other such things. Because in this world the likelihood of you using hard math is 2 to the power of 2079460347 to 1. Which if you convert into a phone number will get you some random lady with whom you can have a rather awkward conversation with.

Now that we have covered education and all it's horror, it's time we move on to something a little less educational, and on to something more social. Like for instance, making friends.

There is a fine line between friends, and mates. Mates being one you will, mate with and love and all that jazz. And friends being ones you mate with every now and again and then look at each other awkwardly because you did something stupid. Though that is only the case with select individuals, but for the most part friends are friends and not mates. See the difference? Good, let us continue then.

There are a whole load of different kinds of ponies out in the wide wide world, each of which have unique personalities with different interests, goals, and agendas. It is because of this that friends come together whether it be because of their differences or similarities, and even though you might be new to this whole getting to know everypony thing doesn't mean that ponies in our society will ignore you. No, rather most ponies accept newcomers with open hooves, so don't stress yourself out.

Most ponies classify themselves mainly by common interests in their personalities. So we have made a small list of different kinds of ponies are out there. (Note: Pink ponies are included, please approach with caution.)

1. Pink ponies. (They are the hardest to describe, mainly because of their teleporting powers. Though we do know that they like cake.)

2. Crazy ponies. (These ponies thought the sky was falling, it did in a way when an alien invasion happened some years ago. Fortunately we threw cheese at the attackers which caused them to flee.)

3. Smart ponies. (Egg heads, and don't think they have real egg shaped heads, because they don't.)

4. Weird ponies. (They are wild, adventurous, and daring. But mainly, they are weird.)

5. Athletic ponies. (Ponies, like our very own Rainbow Dash who is the element of Loyalty is an athlete pony. This means you have swag.)

6. Normal ponies. (Not much can be said about them other then they are normal.)

7. Gamer ponies. (Much like our princess Luna they spend a lot of time playing games. From board games to the ones on machines.)

8. Science ponies. (They like science. Though many ponies find them attractive, unfortunately for them they are taken, by science.)

9. Artistic ponies. (These ponies are... nice.)

10. Music wub ponies. (Here we go... Wub, wub wub wub wubwubwub, wub... wub. That is all.)

(Secret number 11. Stupid ponies. Ponies like we mentioned earlier, flail their hooves around yelling because they have no clue what is going on.)

Like most things there are a lot more kinds of ponies out there, in fact you are your own special kind of pony. These are simply genres in which most common ponies can be classified into. You may or may not fall into any of these and please believe us when we say that this is okay.

But now that you know of your personality, and the kinds of ponies that do exist we will move on to making friends. Because making friends is what life is all about. That and finding the perfect lemon, many have searched and only one has found such a lemon... I wish that I would have never misplaced it... I miss you lemon.

The art of making friends is a hard, brutal, and pleasurable experience. Though some find it harder than others, most of us have the same difficulties in some areas of finding friends as others do. Note, we won't tell you how to keep friends but how to make them, this is to help you not to get confused because you humans can get confused easily. At the moment whether or not you get confused is irrelevant in a way, so instead we will move on and forget that sort of thing ever happened.

Like we had stated earlier making friends is an art, and as such must be approached cautiously. So to help we have made some simple instructions on how to make friends with both a female and male pony. (Or rather Stallion/Colt and Mare/Filly.)

Step 1: Approach the mare/filly/colt/stallion carefully, but don't look like you have a pole shoved up your- well let's not get into that. (You know what we mean though.)

Step 2: Start a conversation. By this we mean say anything, well almost anything. For instance a good thing to say would be, "Hi, I'm (INSERT RANDOM PONY-HUMAN NAME HERE)." This is a good start. A bad thing to say would be, "Hello, I am a human and as such I am going to eat.... your cake! MUAHAHA!" At that point they would not longer be interested and leave thinking you are stupid.

Step 3: Learn about them. You do this by asking things like, "What is your favorite color?" or "Do you like books? Because I love to read." This way you learn more about them as you tell them about yourself. In a way it should always balance itself out in the end.

Step 4: Get comfortable, but not too comfortable. Remember we're not looking for a mate we are looking for a friend. It is also good advise to look for ponies with similar interests in places you like. For Example, if you want to be friends with a pony who likes games then you should look for ponies who hang around a game store or an outdoor arcade. (Because most arcades are outside in Equestria, this much is true.)

Step 5: Stay in contact. The more you talk and see each other the better you get to know them, and no this does not count as flirting or trying to mate. Though it would be interesting to see, but first I would have to find a way out of here... Anyway, remember do things you both like to do and you'll slowly gain a friend in no time at all.

But remember, you are the only one who can screw this up, and only you. Well unless the pony is a jerk then by all means leave him/her alone and throw lemon eggs at their home.

The most important rule of making friends is to enjoy their company and to be there for them as they are for you. The best of friends protect you, help you, and are there for you when you're down. So it is important to know that you have to be there for them too. It is for this reason we give you the following rule:

Rule 22: Friendship is awesome.

And this rule is one you can't forget, because this is the reason friends are, well awesome. And in this new life you got to have some kind of friends, because without them life can be dull. That is why it is so important, and why this is a major section in the guide.

Now let us recap what we learned in this chapter. If by some odd chance you didn't learn anything then you have not only not been paying attention you have just plain out derped. Which means you are probably not going to have very many friends. This and you won't be able to go to school.

1. You learned about the many kinds of schools exists and what they teach.

2. You learned about how education started here, and how it became the horrible, and enlightening thing it is today.

3. You learned about what kinds of ponies one can meet, and the many common interests you can have with them.

4. You learned how to make friends, stay friends, and not mate with them.

5. You learned a variety of other freaky stuff.

So far you have learned plenty with both knowledge from the guide and from life experiences. And, like always it is time to end this section and move on to another. And by this we mean you can just go to the next chapter, that is if you're in the future. So with a heavy heart I am sad to say good bye, for now but if you do live in the future the next chapter is already there. So, Don't panic.

Like always, so long, and thanks for the all the lemons.

Proofread by:



Spark of inspiration


(AN:Well here it is chapter nine! I have to say this was one of the more quicker chapters to come out so far, or at least I think so. I think this chapter came out pretty well if I do say so myself, and what’s better was I think the humor was pretty well done on my part. But anyway, enjoy this chapter of the guide? Why not give it a like, every bit counts. And as always thanks for reading!)