• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

  • ...

Being popular, because you're cool like that.


Many pony-humans, if you haven't noticed already, are famous, popular, or whatever you kids think these days. A lot of ponies look up to you as a symbol of hope and power, especially in dark times. Though, if you wait a few hours, the sun should rise and the dark times should end. Never the less, you are a pony-human who needs a piece of the world for your own! So, as a guide to your life, this will help you on your way to becoming popular in your new home.

Equestria is a land filled with multiple opportunities, whether they be good or bad. Legal or not. It's up to you. Though many pony-humans use their own understanding to make life here very much like the way life was back on your world. For instance, one pony-human named Daniel or something, went over and made an oil drilling company. For a time this made him very popular, but once the rigs exploded he was hunted down by the state because he was a bad pony and deserved to die a horrible death... well not really, but you get the point.

Another famous pony made her way to becoming well known buy selling watches. This of course lead to one thing, and one guide whacking later and she is as good as new. Now she's known as, "That stupid pony-human who sold watches and didn't listen to the guide because she was stupid." If you're the clever, good pony, we assume you are then you won't have to worry about getting a title like that.

Though a lot of pony-humans just put their special talent to good use, and make themselves known that way. But they also follow this simple rule:

Rule 13: Talents are useful, so use it or be shunned.

You just saw the word shunned. Shunned is what happens when pony-humans can't get their lives together and become complete, and total rejects to society. Here is a simple list of things not to do when trying to get well known.

1. Don't be careless, or you will fail.

2.Don't get shunned, or you will fail.

3.Don't get cocky, in a non-sexual way of course... unless that's what you're doing to get popular. Or you will fail.

4.Don't sell watches, or you will fail.(We've wrote it in big red letters so you can see them more clearly.)

5.Don't think, "Derp, derp! I'm a smart pony and I'm going to makes lots of monies off of random stuff!" This will get you shunned... and you will fail.

There are probably more things one can do to screw them in the flank, but we can't really think of something at the moment. Oh and while we're on the topic of thinking, I have located where I have been relocated. It turns out that I'm in Stalliongrad, though why I'm here is- and the guide will ensure your safety... okay they're not looking. Help me...

Please note that, using your natural abilities will help you in the world. Depending on your subspecies you can do a variety of things that others cannot. For instance, if you're a pegasus you might want to join the Wonder Bolts and become the greatest on their team of fantastic flyers. Or if you're a unicorn then you can do magic like a wizard pony, because you really want to be like Daniel Radcolt. And if you're an earth pony then you can become a famous guard, or rodeo star and so on. But becoming the latest Play-Buck star is probably the best thing for females... or not.

So, this guide will cover each subspecies and its abilities so you can use them to your advantage in the world.

Pegasus Ponies

Pegasus ponies are the most common pony-humans. We're not sure why, but they just are. As for their special talents they can fly, trott and walk on clouds, and most importantly they can be awesome. The other two are completely and utterly irrelevant, just focus on the last one. Pegasus can ultimately control weather in clouds, like if you buck a normal cloud it can become a storm cloud. This is especially useful for pranks, and other stuff but mainly pranks.

This is a small amount of things one can do as a pegasus. They, above all this have a powerful mating drive. It is unknown why, but they do and it is both a good and bad thing. But that is besides the point. You can use this factor to your advantage by joining the Royal Mating Service! For those of you who can't find that special somepony this is a good way to become famous, and it has a lot of benefits... or that's what they told the writer.

Here is a small list of what a pegasus is good at, but first look at this simple rule:

Rule 14: Pegasi are awesome ponies, but they are very limited on major accomplishments. Why? because the universe said so, rule 1.

The pegasi are unique are amazing ponies. Though there might be a lot of things which will result in you failing, doesn't mean you are destined to a life of pain and suffering. No, that is only for the stupid ponies.

As a Pegasus, you can do a wide variety of things, and the sky is literally the limit. Here is a few more notable things one can do as a Pegasus to become godlike... in a small way.

1. Join the Wonderbolts! (The Wonderbolts are a special team of Pegasi that do amazing flying feats. Though if you are a pie then the Wonderbolt, Soarin, will eat you in a survival situation.)

2. Join the Weather team! (These brave Pegasi travel around Equestria and buck clouds, and make it rain on you when you're eating the perfect sandwich that your mate had made for you. The reason they do this is because, well... because it's funny. But you should join the crew because it's fun to mess with ponies that can't fly, unless it's your ground borne mother. Then it's not okay.)

2.5 In the unlikely event your mother is in Equestria too. (Fly. Flap your little pony-human wings till you can't fly no more. And pray, because the mighty fish god might help you if you throw lemons into a pit. Though besides this, there is nothing more you can do.)

3. Swag. (The pony Rainbow Dash invented this method of becoming cool and popular. Since she is for some reason admired by all you humans her teachings of the way Swag have become... how would she say it... awesome.)

4. Nyan. (A human, though their name is unkown, came up with this ultimate jaw dropper. He/she invented a way to blast rainbows out of your end while flying through the air. Unfortunately only 2 out of 7000 Pegasi have this ability. So if you want to Nyan, you're going to need to practice... a lot. Because if you look at it the odds of a rainbow coming out of your end are highly unlikely. Then again the world is filled with aliens, monsters, and a trolling universe.)

5. Fly? (Other than flying we're not sure what else one can do. But, if you are having a hard time finding something to be proud of talk to Dr. Filleh. She should help you, M'kay.)

The best thing to do is just be yourself! Do what you think the world would enjoy, and you too can win at life... but stupid ponies already lost, and if you are stupid, then no. You will never win.

Unicorn Ponies

Unicorns are mystical ponies, and from what we have gathered they are the second most popular pony humans, like yourself, to become. Though that is beside the point. Unicorns have, as you probably already know, a horn. This horn is filled with a substance called alicorn. Alicorn, if applied to your coat, will cause you to grow corn in vast amounts, this is a normal reaction to the raw substance. Oranges, and jello can also be grown on oneself if alicorn is applied. But, be careful alicorn is a powerful substance and with great power comes, great fun. That may or may not harm you in a terrible way. But it will be worth it in the end. For your own safety however, please avoid breaking your horn and spreading alicorn on oneself.

Now, the more potent the alicorn is in one's horn the more powerful your magic will be. This is how one like yourself can become a well-known pony. In fact, there is a school called, Princess Celestia's school of witchcr- we mean, for gifted and talented unicorns. Not the stupid ones, those go to another school. And, depending on the pony you may, or may not be legible for that school.

Our very own Twilight Sparkle, who is the princesses favorite student, is famous throughout Equestria. Why? Because she's good at magic, and fanfiction. We're not sure what fanfiction is, but we'll find out later.

One thing many unicorns can do to get recognized is, well, do magic. You can do a whole variety of things! In fact, unicorns are the most powerful ponies in Equestria, next to Alicorns of course. Being such powerful creatures one must know what not to do, and to do when trying to become a great magic user.

1. Don't use your magic to bring back the dead. (Of course if you're the kind of pony that liked to chew bubblegum and kick flank, but are all out of kick flank then go ahead... wait a moment.)

2. Don't use your magic to piss off chickens. (The wild scootalookins will descend upon you faster then you can blink. Of course if you are slow blinker, then you have nothing to worry about.)

3. Don't build robots with magic. (This way you don't have to use a metal cog to go back in time and use a fish to kill yourself to stop the past which kills the future.)

34. Don't use your magic to make ponies go into shipping crates. (When humans told us about these, many ponies found it odd you ship ponies in boxes and crates. Really, what were you thinking?)

5. Don't turn your gender backwards. (... You'll find out. [do not try at home unless your home is made of steel then it's okay.])

As a magic user a whole variety of things could go wrong, and we know for a fact there is another guide just like it any known library. Though the title escapes us every time.

History 6: Despite the amazing literary capabilities unicorns possess there is one thing unicorns must never do. And as a noble citizen of this proud land you must never... Never never never write or read poetry. Unicorns can not write poetry. We mean this quite literally, and please take this seriously. In fact the last time a unicorn read poetry it caused the genocide of nearly 200,000 ponies. Only three managed to barely survive the horrible incident. One only managed to survive by gnawing his own leg off. The other two were unicorns, this is how they survived.

They both ripped their own horns off and sprinkled alicorn all over their bodies which caused corn to sprout on them. They then ate the corn off their bodies to survive because their flanks were melted into the floor. This lasted for several months before they were finally able to break free. In this time they successfully started a corn company, that provides the best corn in Equestria.

So, lesson of the story. Never write, or read poetry if you are a unicorn, and if you do, please remember this rule. Because if you don't then you really are a evil pony.

Rule 14: Unicorns write the worst poetry, ever. Never hear or look at unicorn poetry. ever.

Though besides the fact you can't write poetry then you can just learn magic and benefit the rest of the world. (Unless you were a poet in your former life, then it really sucks to be you.)

Earth ponies

Earth ponies are a mellow well going race. They strive to be the best they can be peacefully, or with really big weapons. Though they do not have the ability to fly or use magic they are hard working, and possess a strength that no other kind of pony has. Earth ponies have a very strange name. You see, the name Earth, is from the old poneh language Urf, and it slowly developed into Earth. Though we didn't know that humans came from a world named just like it till after Timothy came zooming out of the sky like the freaky alien-boy-pony we all know and love.

Back to topic. Earth ponies have a wonderful ability to grow foods. From vegetables to fruits, they can grow them all. In fact Several of our more recent arrivals such as yourself have made plenty of large crop companies. Such as: Cherry Mango inc. Bubba Gump Gummy shrimp Co. And other companies like those. Of course each one of them are run, operated, and funded by earth ponies.

It is a popular and totally odd coincidence that 79% of all earth pony humans who go into business become extremely wealthy. So wealthy that they make a lot of money, and we mean a lot. But even as an Earth pony you have flaws... so many flaws... and so the list below tells you in detail the flaws you have.

1. Don't sell Bail lemons.

2. Don't grow Bail lemons. (We don't know how you humans have been able to do it, but you have.)

3. Don't try and give them to your mate as a pet by drawing a happy little face on it. (This has nothing to do with becoming popular, but it is important because if you give it to your mate... you will fail.)

4. Don't mate with all the ponies you see, just some of them. (Earth ponies have a powerful, if not scary, mating drive.)

If you haven't already noticed most of these involve ponies and bail lemons. The reason this is so is because Earth ponies love to mess with them. We're not sure why, but they do. Which may or may not be the reason a lot of humans don't live very long in Equestria when they're Earth ponies.

But as long as you don't do any of those things you should have a fairly easy time earning your place in Equestria. Or you could put that powerful mating drive to use and join the royal matting service! But only if you're a pure white stallion, because mating in this service demands only the most pure white royal stallions... we're not poniest, if that is even a word.

For Alicorns... you exist. That is all you need to do. Nothing more, nothing less. Your existence is enough.

There is not much we can say on them, other then the fact that the princesses dislike them. So it's best you stay in hiding till somepony finds you and takes you in. For example an alicorn baby was found in a metal egg-like thing by the Clarks. They took him in, and raised him and they live happily somewhere out there in the wide, wide world.

One thing we can say about alicorns, is that the universe really likes to send its space monkeys after them. But they usually die before a decent alicorn-human can be found.

But the one thing most humans will tell you if asked is to just go with it. In fact, being popular is the last thing you have to worry about. With all the freaky things, and taking care of your mate you really don't have time for such things. Unless of course you like that kind of thing.

But for most of those humans who can't really get in touch with their more legal down to Equestria type self you could always go on an adventure. After all, Equestria's nickname is the Beef Capital of the world... wait a moment, maybe it was sexualy awkward capital of the world. We're not sure, but adventure is out there!

There are exactly several hundred undiscovered tombs/temples that have yet to be discovered. Usually ponies find friends or other things to go on their journey with them. Like one human-pony named Fin took his dog Marcus with him on his quest across the world. But with the discovery of new places comes with fame, fortune, and cookies. But mainly cookies. (Speaking of which one of you gave me a cookie with a grenade in it... It was a dud, and I might need another to help my escape. Speaking of which I have never used one, again... how do I use it? It's a human thing, and wait... what does this pin do? Let me... Buck!)

As a pony of humanness, you have tons of curiosity, and with that comes a sense of adventure. So naturally, with your new form, you should be cut out for this. With the fame adventure brings, it will also make you wealthy, which in return will benefit your new life.

Here is another, of the many lists of stuff we will show you throughout the guide. This is a list of all the different kinds of adventures one may go on to obtain maximum popularity and satisfaction with life.

1. An adventure in the high seas! (Arg, ye see dead sea ponies, for they tell no tales...)

2. Adventure Adventure! (What time is it?!)

3. The adventure which involves awkward pony hugging. (Believe it or not, this is the most effective, and horrifying way to get noticed. You will suffer from squee for a week.)

4. Adventure across the desert. (Travel to lands with magic carpets, and sand ponies! But, beware they like to sell watches there.)

5. An adventure through time. (Just take that shiny car-thing and travel to the future, but make sure you don't forget your life jacket.)

6. One that involves you slaying dragons. (If you attempt this please do not harm the tiny dragon Spike. He is harmless, more or less so. Having said this means if you plan to slay him, please wait a minimum of 700 years before trying.)

7. Adventure is magic. (That is a lie, though you will need magic in your travels.)

8. Adventure with the Elements of Harmony. ( This is by far the most common, and popular ways humans love to get recognized. Though due to the large amount of recent popularity the elements only draw numbers to see who will go with them on their adventures.)

9. A quest for the grail. (The mythical Grail of Lemon. Few have tried, and all have failed. Maybe you could be the first to find it.)

10. Space. (It's big.)

Though the best quest is the one of life. Which you've got another shot at because you failed your last one. So with all the options out there don't stress yourself on what you can or can't do, rather, ask yourself why you should and will it make me happy. Of course spending time with the Elements will be fun, and having wealth and power is cool too, but none of that matters if your not happy. So, as a guide to your new life follow this rule to becoming happy with yourself, and the true key to becoming popular.

Rule 15: Do what feels right, and makes you happy.

This is what will make the difference. Though if you find out who you are as a pony you should have no trouble finding a way to become the next big thing! Just go out there and try dang it! I just wish I could find a way out of here... then maybe I could have fun for once... Oh well back to work on esca- blah blah blah guide stuff... okay they're not looking again, please send more things, I'm about free... I think...

Let us recap on what you have learned in this section. If by some odd chance you didn't learn anything you might have a slight case of brain damage. Don't worry, this is normal... for some ponies at least.

1. You learned about all the types of things one can do as a pony, and use them to your advantage... more or less.

2. You learned that if you are a unicorn, were a unicorn, or are thinking of becoming a unicorn do not read or write poetry. Let's read that again, DO NOT WRITE POETRY OR CELESTIA HELP US ALL. Okay I think the message is through.

3. You learned that if you are an Earth pony you mate extremely well. (Same goes for a pegasus.)

4. Humans like to sell Bail Lemons. (Probably because they tried to eat them or something...)

5. The world is an open place for you to find your place in it!

Though, like always, we are sure you learned more about the universe and your new life. But, like most things, we must close this section of the guide and move to the next section. Because, believe it or not you have still more things to learn before you’re 100% ready to brave the world confidently.

But just because you live in a land were weird stuff roams, and the universe wants to mess with you, it doesn't mean we don't have rules, and things one can do to enforce those rules. In fact, that is probably a good idea, because you don't want to be waving your master sword around and have a guard stop you... because that, my friend, would mean you are stupid, which we assume you're not.

So long, and fish for all the thanks... wait.

(Next: Halt criminal scum!) This will be a cool chapter, but you need to wait and see what it is.)
(Previously: Abnormal Day to day life.)

(AN: Well, this chapter took waaaaaay shorter to write, but let me tell you it sure was fun! And though the proof reading was a little slow it was all good in the end. Anywho, tell me what you thought! Leave a comment, a like, a fav if it doesn't hurt. Oh, and a very big shout out to all of who really like the guide, and without your support I really would have hard time doing this. So, thanks!)

Proofread by:



Muffin... or ultrasponge whichever you want to call him.