second verse same as the first
Chapters (9)
Squibdude98
Joined 5th Apr, 2013 ·
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Oh my god I love you for this.
interesting story, but you might wanna check for mistakes again.
also try adding more space between dialogue, makes the entire thing easier to read.
please don't take this wrong.
your story is interesting and fun, but it is a little hard to read...
I think it could use a bit more of an explanation at the beginning. It's not too generous to the folks who haven't watched the show. A good crossover fic aims to be appealing, even for those who have never seen the source material. So maybe if you worked on giving a bit more context to the readers. Describe the characters a bit more at the beginning. Try not to rush things and describe the world around them a bit more.
Also you have many punctuation, capitalization, and spacing issues in this chapter. Especially around the dialogue. Another thing with the dialogue: when you switch speakers, you should start it as a new paragraph. I'd recommend finding someone to proofread and edit. Even just going through it once again by yourself looking for the mistakes can do world of good to make people interested in the story.
I hope this helps in some way. I'm a fan of the Full Metal Alchemist series, and I'd love to see this improved upon.
I like the idea. Just remember.
-Punctuate sentences.
-Space between each sentence.
Other than that, it's great.
I want to thank all of you for the comments and I plan to work on the problems that you have pointed out.
You are all invited to join my group Foul-Metal Alchemist.
I'll be posting my stories there and you can submit your own.
ALLONS-Y
I recommend reading silver spoons story. thats were I got a few of my ideas.
Oh I would also like your opinion if I get Ed some romance in Equestria (don't worry its not going into clop or shipping territory).
I'd love to read beyond the first chapter but the lack of spaces and the fast pace makes it more work then enjoyment
MAGGOT!
Sorry let me add this in. Please do not add complaints other people have said, please
Everything is fixed so now you can enjoy it.
Seems like youre getting somewhere, but the story is highly harsh to those who have not yet seen Full Metal, even for someone who has seen most of it I had some issues grasping everything. I do like the idea but it will need some major tweaking in story and with grammar.
For now I give it a 6/10 fix that stuff up and keep at it and I will make sure to give you a higher score.
Dont worry im fixing that on the chapter im working on at the moment.
Just tell me your questions and Ill answer them.
2437442
Uhm just so you know. There is this speech bubble thing in the comments, which is very useful, because with it you can reply to comments and those person will get a notification....
2440521 I am without death. why would i be dead?
Despite the errors I still love this because Ed is a pony.
Going to keep coming back whenever you update. :3
2442262
i would like to leave the fight, but i am the fight.
2442379 i will find you, and i will kill you.
2439795 Sorry still new at this.
2443061 no problem
Ok the new chapters out.
Please inform me of problems.
no megusta.
2443185
you just might regret telling me that. plus, i'm a guy. so knock off that crap.
I would be willing to give your story a quick check-up, if you just PM me, I'll do it. Also, probably not for a week, ot two, I'm gonna be gone for a while.
I would be willing to give your story a quick check-up, if you just PM me, I'll do it. Also, probably not for a week, ot two, I'm gonna be gone for a while.
I would be willing to give your story a quick check-up, if you just PM me, I'll do it. Also, probably not for a week, or two, I'm gonna be gone for a while.
I would be willing to give your story a quick check-up, if you just PM me, I'll do it. Also, probably not for a week, or two, I'm gonna be gone for a while.
2444903 OK
I like this story, it is really good. Your grammar and punctuation is just really bad. You need someone to edit the next and previous chapters.
Well thanks to Jolly (hopefully my new proofreader for this story) Im fixing the chapters.
I swear to god, if what happens in this that I think will happen, actually happens... I'm going to rage. Please tell me Ed doesn't get turned into a filly.
2468107
what a brilliant idea (joking).No I'm not doing that..What makes you thing that anyway
and please give me feedback on my romance idea.(again not clopping or shipping)I have a idea but i don't want to piss people off.
2468317Oh thank god.
See, that was my idea for an FMA crossover. And I've been toying with it for a couple months. So I was afraid someone took my idea before I could finalize ideas. And the title Phillymetal alchemist. That's what made me think that.
K
I'm working on the next chapter, I've just been a bit tired lately after my end of the year tests.
New chapter is done
.
Well this has been a lot better than previous chapters. Still some mistakes. Loved Armstrongs sudden appearance.
2503415 You have no idea, I learned from my mistakes and I always wanted to write Armstrong
just feels like some stuff is being rushed here to be honest. other than that, fine job.
XD awesome dude!!!
Hello there every pony. I would like to thank all of you for the comments on this story. They inform me what you think and if your still reading. When I see someone IM or comment on my story I feel like I accomplished something. Please ,if you can, tell your friends about this story.
*BROHOOF*
(PS. Please don't hit your computer in an attempt to brohoof me.)
2524039 I'm sorry I'm so late with helping proofread this. *twilightfacehoof* I got chapter one done and was going to send it to you but I accidentally deleted it! *facehoovesagain* I'll try to help you out as soon as I can. I'm so sorry. Making you wait so long was
*fluttercry*
2716016
Its fine. Im just happy people are still reading.
2718472 When I can I'll try to proofread those. Okay?
2719568
When your ready
Still like this despite the grammar errors.