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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You might want to put some sort of indication of when a scene changes, I got confused several times at places like this:
I hardly even noticed the double indent on the second one. I dunno, maybe I'm in the minority but I think you should put something more obvious.
2686200
I knew something was missing the 3 times i looked over it. That's what i get for copy/pasting out of Word. I put them back in.
A very tense chapter, although I have to ask why the last chapter has a title while this one doesn't?
As for the story, do you have someone close to the military helping you or doing some good research on it? I'm getting a strong urge to look those up now. Also, I'm thinking EVERYONE is getting close to connecting two things about each other together soon.
Random spell checking read-through is done!
shone?
Your*
I think It's fit better than its.
breathe*
A few factual errors that need correcting (over the whole story):
1. The US Navy doesn't have the rank of First Lieutenant, the US Army/Marines/Air Force does. (the chapter with the science fair, 8 I think)
2. The US Navy doesn't operate out of West Point, the US Army does. (see above)
3. Numerous spelling/homonym errors throughout. (recommend getting an editor, or another one if you already have one)
4. Several dialogue grammar errors throughout. (see above)
Overall, I'm a fan. I'm really curious to see where this is going.
2688574
Fixed.
2689410
Gave the science fair O-4 and switched to the naval academy. I'd like to fix any factual errors if i catch them.
As for the dialogue grammar errors, most(not all of course) are intentional because people do not speak in perfect English. For the most part, Commas are short pauses, periods that create fragments are longer pauses, and ellipses are self explanatory.
Its meant to simulate speech patterns rather than proper sentence structure. Now if these errors occur outside dialogue, that's a different story.
2688104
I try to do research on it, but as Ghost pointed out, its hardly enough to get my facts straight.
And i suppose it would be too much of a cop out to brandish the alt universe tag as an excuse.
2689530
O-4 would be Lieutenant Commander of the USN.
As for dialogue grammar, I meant the written rules not what the people are saying. Better explanation below:
Yay, team Tune gets a medic!
Oh, just a couple of things that i noticed. Hope you don't mind!
i would remove either the word they, or everybody. personally i think it sounds better without they.
i think you meant relieve
This entire chapter made me completely forget I was reading a MLP Fanfiction until the very end...
Wow. I legit saw the ponies as just a weird little insert. I don't know if that was your goal here or not. But I do know the you're pretty good at writing Action scenes, enough so to take me out of the actual story to focus on the craziness.
This is no MLP fic I've ever read before... I'm constantly surprised, LAP. Well done.
Alright. On to the next chapter, and hopefully something a little more peaceful.
I really hope the next few chapters I read have Tune taking a backseat from dangerous work. With the twins she is expecting I would hate for something to happen...
intreguing
3273141 You just jinxed it for one big a** reason....... Murphy's law.
How ironic! In this case, i guess you could say that the Able company was handicapped, and ergo quickly........ disabled.
4080681 Actually, that's called "tempting fate."
Sort of like when Bubsy (does anyone even get that reference anymore?) says "What could possibly go wrong?" Or when someone in the Garfield universe says "How could things get any worse than this?"
5245870
Its a fucking crying shame it's taken five years for me to be the first person to approve of such a shitty dad pun.
9861144
5245870
Agreed! That is a very bad but good pun. Here's hoping the connection between clouds and cult are made soon.