On the surface, Lightning is a seemingly normal, young Pegasus-mare type of pony . She's got a decent job and is moving fast on her job as a weather mare. But an intense, paralyzing fear that has been terrifying her since childhood is tearing her apart. And it's getting worse every day. When Lightning was a filly, something devastating happened. Each night her dad would put her to sleep with a bedtime story. Many of these stories teetered on the brink of horror, much to her mom's chagrin, but Lightning and her father made sure her bedroom was safe when the lights finally went out. Until that one fateful night. When Lightning is forced to move outside her comfort zone on a spring trip to Ponyville to visit her cousin Applejack, she leaves this protected world and things begin to fall apart.
So. Wall of text time.
First. You have a good concept here. You pulled me in with an interesting description and a promise of some rather awesome supernatural asskickery. That's very good. The description is very well written. It knows what it is, and what it wants to be. You know what the story is, and you've got the Plot for it.
However, then we click on the first chapter. That's when the egg hits the fan. Your tenses are not only varied, they're inappropriate a lot of the time. Present tense is a very difficult thing to write well in, and although you give it an admirable try, you can't quite get it down pat. I recommend trying past tense. You tell the story as it happened, not as it's happening. That gives you much more room to expand on the scene around us. Present tense has a rushed feeling, we need to be watching the action, and as such, we can't take a look around. The entire time, we're rushed around. You're essentially trying to make us absorb a lot quickly. It doesn't make for an enjoyable read.
I like the character, so far. Lightning's believable. We don't spend much time with her yet, but I can tell we'll grow to like her. She's a bit of a Mary Sue, but in more of a self insert fashion, which is much better than the alternative. You also do a good job replicating characters. Applejack is Applejack, more or less.
You have a lot of potential. You've got good ideas, and you've actually got the drive to get to writing. You've Managed to capture my interest so far, which is a feat in itself. I know you can do much better, and that's why I'm bothering to write this. I see that you've got some talent for story, and I can see what you're capable of. And you're capable of so much better. I recommend an editor, a prereader, someone who can help you iron out the technical stuff. Trust me, if I thought you weren't able to do more, I wouldn't bother with this. My comments are usually short and rather pointless, I.e. MOAR, but in this case, you deserve more than a simple one word acceptance or dismissal. I've given you three stars. Change my mind. Make it five.
You've got the seeds of something great here. Let's see if you water them.
MOAR
