• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen July 25th

jamlamin


T

What if Celuna were genetic flares, mutants that only were important because of Discord?

What if there were actually troubles in the newly-formed Equestria, with racism still very much prevalent, when an old Star Swirl the Bearded was traveling around, performing for orphanages, when he stumbled across two fillies that were isolated from all the others? Raised them as his daughters? Developed all those forms of magic because he was teaching the two girls, who had more magic than anypony else, to control theirs?

I thought of the cider thing before the Cider Squeezy 6K episode, I promise.
Art is from here, used without permission (I'll get right on that, though).

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 23 )

Very interesting start. I'll be looking forward to this next update :D Continue please!

Utterly luring, if I may say! I'm so looking forward to reading more. You've surpassed yourself, jamlamin. Have a Flutteryay. :yay:
Tracking.

Oh, I'm a gonna track this....

I'm actually working on something with a loosely similar theme, it'll be interesting to compare different takes on Celestia's and Luna's back story. :pinkiehappy:

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Thanks, everypony.:pinkiehappy:

178190
I can't wait to read it! :pinkiehappy: What's it called? :pinkiesmile:

It is awesome. A bit short, to my mind, but still awesome. If you are able to maintain the same quality throughout the story, it will be a certain success.

I'm curious to see where this is going. At the same time, the prose in this chapter is getting dense and hard to follow. It really should be expanded and elaborated to do these ideas justice, IMHO.

And as for my story that I mentioned earlier, the first two chapters are up now, called "A Very Minty Summer Sun Celebration". However, I haven't gotten around to how the princesses are involved yet. You'll have to be patient for that.

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Thanks, I actually agree; I just wanted to make the second chapter fast-paced, so the people could be right along with Twilight in the "What the BUCK?!" mentality.

Celestia kind of spoke that end herself, by the by. The scene was written in my head with Luna (as of right now, it's been moved to the start of the third chapter instead), but Celly stole the stage.:trollestia:

Wow. That's all I can say upon reading this tangled, confused, captivating, fascinating, breathtaking, shocking, amazing, brain-shaking chapter. Wow. Just wow.

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I'll leave you to your soup.

Plot was a bit rushed. Quite a few jumps in the conversation.

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Thanks for the feedback; can you cite specifics? I'd like it to be the best it can be. :yay:

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The confrontation with the Princesses in Chapter 2 seemed abrupt and rushed, the entire conversation, wasn't really (a conversation). I can understand shock/awe/fear but they jumped straight to that instead of working up (let alone the incineration of the 2 guards... an 'odd' choice to be sure). Also the socio-political conversation was a bit hurried, you jump tracks multiple times and then boom. Mane 6 are descendents of royalty (How for 1, and why would THEY be the true rulers, many of them have siblings, and lord knows the Apple family is huge). It was a bit of an info-dump but lost something in the lack of nuance.

I don't mean to be overly negative though, I'm tracking and look forward to seeing where you go with this, but you could use a bit more fleshing out. It's hard to find a balance between getting the plot out, and padding your story with excessive amounts of description and narration.

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Thanks; this is my first time actually writing a story that other people can read, so I'm still trying to find that balance. Oh, and you don't come off as negative, just someone that cares for the written word. I appreciate it, I do. All the things you're bringing up are signs of an avid reader (even if it's only fan fiction). After all, like Tom Clancy (somepony I wouldn't otherwise quote) said, "The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense."

I'll keep your criticisms in mind, maybe even go and work on the earlier chapters before trudging on.

While otherwise a pretty well-written story, I found the Aperture Science references a bit off-putting. While I can see why they're there. they feel forced. If it were me I'd make them much more subtle and hidden, or more subtle and woven throughout several chapters, with a partial crossover. As it is it just breaks my suspension of disbelief.
I'm looking forward to the next installment.

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Thanks for the good comment. Honestly, I'm a bit eager to get to the actual origin stories, and I think it showed a bit too much. The only problem is, though, that I was trying to find a spot for the princesses to tell their story, and the story just didn't want to let it happen. Like, it'd bring up several plot points itself (while I do take into consideration all the comments, I do still have to make my own story; thankfully, the feedback has been constructive in its criticism, so I can only take away improvements from it). Chapter 2 was meant to be a wtb paced chapter, for example; this had to be resolved in Chapter 3. The first half of chapter 3 contained the scene I had originally written for chapter 2, but celly wouldn't let happen, as her line made the chapter feel complete to me.:trollestia:

As for the Aperture Science references, I'm not sure when they crept in; as I stated before, though, I was brought in through P0RTAL 2, so, while I was aware they were there, it wasn't entirely purposeful, the notable exceptions being 4.4km underground and calling VALVe by name. I also like to think that ponies have the Internet, as one of the storyboarders (I think Sibsy) once said pony tech is wherever it needs to be for the week. Twilight just loves the feel of books instead.

Alcatraz:
Uhhh... Huh....
M...maximum penis... ENGAGED!!!!!
CLOPCLOP
THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOPOOO GOOD! MOAR!!!

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/165170/aider-je-suis-devenu-un-poney-osa-1

HEY! :flutterrage:

What is the basis of my story is a continuation of this story!?
In that link above. :flutterrage:

i really like it hope to read more soon:twilightsmile:

... this is the 9000th story on fimfiction :3
I know because the link is www.fimfiction.net/story/9000

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