Hoist the Colours
"So... this escalated quickly."
Octavia glared at Vinyl... or would have had her head not been restrained and forced forward. The two of them were wrapped in heavy chains, their heads placed on a wooden block while a unicorn stallion dressed all in black sharpened a large broadsword. A large crowd was gathered before them, screaming for their blood (and waving signs done up in glitter and markers that said ‘I H8 Vinyl and Octavia!’). "I just want you to know that right here, right now... I blame you for all of this!"
"How is this my fault?"
"Do you remember screaming at the king, "What are you going to do, cut our heads off?" And then mooning him?!?"
"Everyone knew I was being sarcastic!"
"Apparently he didn’t!"
The executioner pony walked over to them and flashed them a grin. "Oh, do not worry. When you have Boris doing your chopping, you know it will be quick!" He gave Vinyl a kiss on the forehead and returned to measuring their coffins.
"Ok, so maybe it is a tiny bit my fault."
Octavia would have strangled her girlfriend if she wasn't restrained.
"Good ponies!" the king called out, holding up his hooves for silence. "We are gathered here to see the traitors Octavia Stark and Pon-3-"
"DJ, DJ Pon-3," Vinyl grumbled.
"-put to death." The executioner grabbed his biggest ax with his magic (why he was polishing an ax, we’ll never know). "If there are any here who can think of any reason these two shouldn't die, please raise your hoof." Octavia and Vinyl struggled against their chains. "Really? No on? Not even the prisoners?"
"Yes us!" Octavia screamed.
"Then raise your hoof like a polite mare." Octavia glared at the king, who merely gave her a cocky smile. "Then, I sentence you-"
"HALT!" The crowd parted and the group watched as a strange human marched forward. "I object!"
"Famous actor and star of Game of Thrones Sean Bean!" Octavia and Vinyl exclaimed happily.
"That's right! I am freeing these ponies and returning them to Ponyville." He reached over and easily picked up the two mares, snapping the chains as he did so.
“Oh what grounds?” the king demanded.
“On the grounds that I played Boromir!”
The mob looked at each other sadly, scuffing their hooves against the ground and lowering their glittery signs. “He has a point,” one finally said.
“He did play Boromir.”
“And a bad guy in James Bond!”
Sean nodded. "Up, up and away!" He leapt into the air, soaring through the clouds.
Vinyl blinked as they flew over Westoros. "Wait a minute, Ned Stark couldn't fly!"
"I told you, I'm not Ned Stark... I'm Sean Bean."
"Oh... right."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 22: Hoist the Colours
"Question," Chrysalis said as the group raced along the dock. They'd only gotten free 20 minutes earlier when the Spell Blocker had gotten out of range. Celestia had burned her ropes while Luna had turned into moon beams and ghosted through them. The changeling queen, for her part, had simply become a fly before returning to her normal form. They'd set about helping the others (Cadence didn't want to be untied until she said the safe word, Shining lacked the godly strength to break through the ropes, and Tydal did not want to frighten Giggles by bursting through the restraints). They'd left the rest of the zebras tied up, lest they have to deal with them trying to strike them when their backs were turned, and raced out of Zeena's Palace like the hounds of hell were on their hooves (which was silly, as everyone knew the hounds of hell did not like hooves; they preferred a nice salmon brisket). "What the hell are we doing?"
"Getting a ship," Luna said, scanning the dock. "I wish we still had the SS Lindsay Lohan."
"She did blow up good," Cadence said, cooing to her monkey. "Didn't she Humpers? Yes she did! Yes she did!"
"Why can't we use our other ship again?" Tydal asked.
"It isn't sea worthy," Shining told him.
"You weak little ponies and your inability to survive weeks at sea."
"And why are we getting a ship?" Chrysalis asked.
"So we can chase after those pirates," Shining said. "What about that one, Princess?"
Celestia nodded, taking in the grand 3 mast man-o-war. "That will work. Tydal, please steal it for us."
"Permission to kill?"
"Denied," Shining said blandly.
Tydal placed Giggles on Luna's back (he'd refused point blank to leave her with the zebras, something the rest had agreed was a smart move). "You know, for a moment there when you were throttling that servant I thought you were becoming interesting."
Shining shrugged. "Cool story, bro, now get stealin'."
“Fine!” Tydal snapped, before turning to Giggles, a dopey grin on his face. “I’ll be right back, ok? You stay here will Luna, alright sweetie?” Giggles clapped her hooves and laughed at Tydal before turning her attention toward Luna’s mane.
Chrysalis shook her head as Tydal headed off to commit theft. "And why are we chasing after the pirates?"
"So we can get save Zeena," Luna said.
"And why do we want to save Zeena?" The others blinked and the queen smirked when they failed to answer. "That's what I thought! Let's not forget that we all, only an hour ago, agreed she was more evil than me. Normally I would be offended but even I have to admit she is a disgusting creature. So why are we trying to save her? Why not just leave her to her fate?"
"Well, we have to save her because... because..." Cadence looked at Humpers, the monkey shrugging. "We have nothing."
"I know there is a reason," Celestia said, tapping her chin. “Because without her the herd will have no leader… a leader who encouraged them to attack foals… alright, scratch that reason.”
"We need to save her..." Shining rubbed the back of his neck. "Ok, give me a minute here."
Luna began to pace along the dock. "She needs to let Zecora know... no, Shining already made sure we did that-"
"-I knew that was a good idea!"
Celestia stomped her hoof. "There must be a reason!"
"You can want for one all you like, doesn't mean there will be one," Chrysalis taunted. "I say we just forget about all of this, go raid her medicine cabinet for some happy pills then sail back to your Equestria so you all can get back to your lives..." she mumbled under her breath, "and make a decree that I am pardoned for all my crimes and can feed on all the love I want."
"I... guess we don't have to save her," Luna said weakly. "There really is no reason. This isn't our country, the zebras have made it clear that our views and theirs clash."
"They did give us a nice welcome..." Celestia said before ducking her head, "then they tried to kill us when Shining Armor strangled that servant."
"Maybe... maybe we've ended up in a rut," Shining sad sadly, kicking at a loose board. "We go to some place with a goal, get sucked up in their problems, we sing a song or two, have a costume change, then there is a fight… Tydal and I bicker and-"
"Wait, costume change?" Chrsyalis asked. "There would have been a costume change?"
"I guess so," Luna said. "I mean... I suppose we would have. There is a costume shop over there." She pointed to a rather nicely lit store just a few yards behind them, the sign declaring '50% off All Pirate Costumes!'. Zebras were happily moving in and out of it, laughing as they made their purchases.
"I would have picked out something that was strange yet sexy... and inappropriate for foals to see."
Shining nodded. "But I guess we-"
"We must save Zeena!" Chrysalis declared, standing on her hind legs and placing her forehooves on her hips.
"Wait, what?" Celestia said.
“But we aren’t going to do it out of love… and we aren’t doing it for money! We are doing it because I… am… FABULOUS!” The changeling queen was already moving towards the costume shop. "Cadence, you and I will pick out the outfits. The rest of you think of a good sea chantey we can sing as we sail after that dastardly Captain Whiplash!"
"Can we get props?" Cadence asked happily, skipping after Chryssy.
"Damn straight!"
Luna blinked. "What... what the hell just happened?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do I have to wear this?" Luna complained, wagging the prop hook that Cadence had forced onto her forehoof. "I mean, I like the rest of the outfit," She admired her costume: a big red hat and a long red jacket with many golden buttons on it. Chrysalis had also gotten a stuffed crocodile for Luna to carry around, though the mare didn't get the joke. "But this hook is just... arrrrgggh!" She flailed her hoof about in frustration.
"I think it is pronounced 'arrrr'," Cadence said. She was wearing a red vest, cargo shorts, and a straw hat. Her jaw was working hard as she worked over a large piece of gum. Humpers was wearing a pair of shorts and a big pinkish hat with a bit of blue paint on his nose.
"Yes, you have to wear in!" Chrysalis said to Luna with a sniff. She had on a tricorner brown hat, a blackish-blue coat, and many different types of beads threaded through her mane and tail. She took out a bottle of rum and took a long drink. "You have a theme costume with Tydal, savvy?"
"At least you don't have to wear tights," Tydal muttered, his tail flicking as he tried to move in the constricting tights. His costume was VERY green, with an emerald top and a little green hat on his head. He would have complained up a storm but when Giggles had seen her matching outfit... well, the little one's squeal had Tydal rolling his eyes and helping her slip into the green dress.
"WEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The sea god watched as Giggles flew over his head, the little plastic fairy wings on her back fluttering like a hummingbird's. She, of course, had no idea that it wasn't 'fairy dust' that was letting her fly but Tydal's magic. She also didn't know that Shining had layered so many protection spells on her that there was little chance of anything hurting her.
"Get back down here, Tink," Shining said good naturedly, emerging from the cabin. He wore an all black outfit that fit tightly to his skin and the top of his head was covered with a black bandana. He bowed to Cadence, who giggled. "As you wish."
"I would like to remind you all that we are going after dangerous pirates." Celestia was in a foul mood as her costume, which was all black as well with a long waist coat and a wide-brimmed hat, had come with one extra accessory: a big bushy black beard.
"By Celestia's beard, she's right!" Luna proclaimed with a snort.
"One of these days, Luna, one of these days... bang, zoom, straight to the moon!" Celestia roared in outrage.
Luna scuffed her hoof against the deck, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to push..."
Celestia's anger diminished and she instantly softened. "Little sister... I am sorry as well. I should not have joked about such things and... you know that I care for you, don't you?"
Luna nuzzled the white alicorn. "And I you." She smiled, locking eyes with Celestia and leaning in for a kiss…
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!?!" Tydal roared.
Luna and Celestia blinked before leaping away from each other, both doing full body shudders. "CADENCE!" Luna screamed.
"It wasn't me, honest!" Cadence said. "If I did it I would have made it much more graphic."
"She has a point," Chrysalis pointed out.
"It must be Whiplash," Celestia said, stomping her hoof. "He's close." She nodded to herself and turned to address the group. "Luna, get in the crow’s nest! Your sight is strongest of all of us." The moon goddess nodded, unable to meet her sister's eyes, and flew up to take watch. "Tydal, you are on the stern! Part the sea and get us there!"
"Come along, Giggles," Tydal said, the zebra filly flying after him.
"Shining, you take command of the guns!" Celestia said, hurrying over to the wheel. "Cadence, Chrysalis, you work under him."
"REALLY!?!" The two said, hearts in their eyes.
"Not like that... perverts." Celestia glanced up at Luna. "Do you see them?"
"Yes! Northwest of us by a nautical mile!"
"On it!" Tydal said, his horns glowing as he leapt upon to the prow of the ship. "Give me that horizon, old friend." The sea churned and the tides suddenly began to move in their favor.
"Shining, load the cannons!"
Cadence held up her hoof. "Uh, isn't Zeena on that boat? If we sink it she might 'blub-blub-blub-blub'!"
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Again, none of us really like her..."
Shining, however, merely smirked. "Sweetheart, trust me... we aren't going to sink her." He gestured towards a pile of cannonballs that had each pair connected to one another by a chain. "Now, load up that ammo!"
"You should be good at it," Chrysalis said. "You are taking two balls and cramming them into a tight hole."
"That's not how sex goes," Cadence said.
"It isn't?" Chrysalis blinked in confusion before her face clouded over in anger. "My sex ed class was a lie!"
"Whiplash's ship is dead ahead!" Luna called down to them.
"Prepare to fire!" Celestia shouted, spinning the wheel so that she was running their ship side to side with Whiplash's. "On the count of three! One, two, five-"
"Three, sister!" Luna called down.
"Three!"
The cannons roared as they shot off their loads (that's what she said) and Celestia watched as the chainshot struck Whiplash's ship. One of the smaller masts cracked and buckled as it was hit, the sail wiggling but somehow remaining up. The solar goddess grabbed onto the wheel and began to turn so to set up another volley.
"They are loading their guns!"
"Tydal, deflect the shots with the sea!" Celestia shouted.
The capricorn glowered, reaching up and snagging Giggles out of the air, shielding her with his body. "No good... he must have that damn Spell Blocker on board. I can call the ocean but it would go near his boat."
"Every get-"
A sound like rolling thunder filled the air as the cannons fired. Shining gulped as the payload headed straight towards him...
POOF!
The stallion blinked as confetti exploded all around him and several balloons tied themselves to his horn.
"...who the hell sold him party cannons?!?" Luna shouted.
~Months earlier...~
"And you are sure you aren't going to use these for evil?" Pinkie Pie asked, giving Captain Whiplash a good once-over.
"Ar, don't I have an honest face?" the smelly pirate flashed her a grin, several of his golden teeth gleaming in the light.
"...yup!" Pinkie hopped over to some crates that held the party cannons Whiplash had commissioned. "You have the same smile as my Aunt Lexie Pie!" Pinkie leaned in close. "She stole 40 cakes. 40 cakes. That is four 10s. And that is terrible"
~MC~MC~MC~
"No one confetti's my ship!" Celestia declared. "Mr. Sulu-"
"Shining," the unicorn reminded her.
"-fire on them again!"
"Yes captain!" Shining lit the fuses and covered his ears, the cannons bucking back as they unleashed their deadly payload. A cheer went up among the immortals as the main mast of Whiplash's ship crashed down onto the deck. "She's crippled!"
"Shining, that isn't very PC," Luna complained, flying down from the crow’s nest. "I believe the proper way to say it is that the ship is 'handi-capable'."
"But even then we are drawing attention to its differences," Chrysalis stated. "Wouldn't it be better-"
"Can we just fight them now?" Tydal complained, his tail twitching in excitement.
"Alright," Celestia said, throwing several grappling hook over and making sure they were secured to the other ship's deck. "Mares and stallions... board and attack!"
The deities let out a battle cry and swung over to the other ship (because it looked cool), looking around for their opponents. But instead of finding a mob of bloodthirsty pirates, they found a bunch of zebras dressed in formal wear, sitting in chairs facing an altar. Before said altar was Zeena, dressed in a white dress and veil, Whiplash in front of her wearing a white tux.
"And if any zebra knows why these two should not be wed," the minister intoned, "let them speak now and-"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!" Luna shouted.
"Damn, I wanted to finish that," the minister said sadly.
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LOL (literally, or I wouldn't put it), one of my favourite Simpsons bits.
I mirror Luna's sentiments.
Luna trying Lunesta... I mean Lunestia? HA!
nice.
Is anyone ggonna address that Celestian blaming whiplash made less sense than blaming cadence.... or anyone else for that matter?
Vinyl and Octavia better not fly with Sean Bean too long. His other superpower is dying in practically every movie he's in.
Call the ship the Nemesis, worked for me!
Also, can you bring in some kind of Zinyak like figure, as an intro side character, or a long term asshole.
Zeena is family, and that's... yeah, okay, I got nothing.
Hmmm... Captain hook, Luffy and Chopper from One Piece, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, Captain Jack Sparrow, Blackbeard, and Indigo Montoya (the Dread Pirate Roberts)
3128193
But this isn't a movie, it's a fanfiction. In the form of a series of episodes.
Yes, five is right out.
Ouch.
3128483
...Fanartist you know your duty, get to work for us fanboys of this deranged fic!
Also, you guys have to save Zeena because...ITs the noble thing to do...despite that the only noble one is Shining and even then I have my doubts.
3128193 For England James?
No! For me!
Huh, but...WHAT?!
Buck it, kill them all!
Is Rarity related to Chrysalis?
My neck hurts.
Boromir, Alec Trevelyan, Ned Stark... But you forget Sharpe! His most important role, largely because it's one in which he doesn't die! Alright, it's a series of TV movies, rather than a theatrical film, but still!
uh, they shouldn't marry because Zeena is horrendous with kids?
Shinning has the best outfit in the group.
Oh Monty Python jokes are so lol, I'm surprised i haven't seen any french insults recently
Good
"Black Beard" quotes Star Trek lines. Seems legit.
Fun chapter, still can't believe Tydal is stuck as Peter Pan or that Luna is Captain Hook.
Even the chapter title is a pirate reference.
*squee*
Soo....Zeena convinced the pirate to give up his shark-fetish in favor of her??? I'm confused.
3136202
Never!
Zeena is secretly a shark.
3138037
Would explain the multiple offspring.
Can't
Breathe
Oh COME ON! ELDER GOD SHINING!!
3141212
And possibly her parenting style
3128544>>3129967
One of the better quotes of that film
"Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out."
That ending....wow
Damn, this was bucking AWESOME!!!!!! I love it, laughed so freaking hard and then the ending just threw me sideways, poor Vinyl and Octavia, confusing as hell but not bad
Damn, this was bucking AWESOME!!!!!! I love it, laughed so freaking hard and then the ending just threw me sideways, poor Vinyl and Octavia, confusing as hell but not bad
DAT ONE PIECE REFERENCE! Ive read this like 20 times and only now do i realize the straw hat and gum. Lol nice joke.
3128483
I only got Hook, Luffy, Jack, Peter, Blackbeard and Tinkerbell. Somebody draw art of this!
Best song for this chapter!
3128483 No , No, No! Wesley is the Dread Pirate Roberts!
And, to quote a lunar princess, "What. The. [Censored]!!"
Vinyl is best Jack Sparrow.
It IS hard to argue with that logic.
Hell if I know.
Scratch that, CHRYSALIS is best Captain Jack Sparrow.
She really does.
Pinkie.
The f*ck?
Pfft, hahaha. So much lol.
Near princest.
I love this version of Chryssie. And you're not evil, Chryssie, just über dramatic.