Season 2 sees Luna, Celestia, Tydal, Shining, Cadence and Chrysalis on the run and attempt to clear their good names. Needless to say, they are sidetrakced... alot
After their breakup in Season 1, the members of the God Squad find themselves at their lowest points. Shining and Cadence are divorced, Celestia and Luna aren't speaking, and Tydal is in self-imposed exile.
But when they, along with Chrysalis, are transported halfway around the globe, they find their good names have been tarnished and everypony believes them dead. The five immortals (and one unicorn stallion with more sanity than the five gods put together) must find a way back home and reclaim what is rightfully theirs.
Of course, with pirates, international thieves, communists, flying reindeer, zebra warriors, and door-to-door salesponies all standing in their way, the trip back home will not be easy.
The sequel to the wildly popular fic The God Squad, Season 2 proves that if you keep paying attention to this story the author will never stop milking it.
Dr. Whooves, Dinky, and Mary Sue the red maned, black coated alicorn stood on the bridge of the Tardis, their jaws hanging low as they stared at the command screen. There was Derpy... only half of her body had been replaced with machinery.
"I am Derputus of the Borg..." Derpy intoned. "All your muffins will be assimilated."
"...Doctor..." Dinky said calmly. "Fire."
AND NOW, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!
“Uh… there are no weapons,” Mary Sue pointed out. “This is a time machine, not a space ship.”
“I installed some!” Dinky said happily. “There are machine guns and laser cannons and this thing called a ‘Punch of Kill Everything’, and-“
“How did you manage to install all of that on my Tardis?!?”
“Mama helped me… isn’t that right, mama?”
The wall-eyed cyborg stared straight ahead from the monitor. “I am Derputus of the Borg… and yes, that is correct.”
Mary Sue frowned. “For an evil cyborg she is rather pleasant.”
“The borg sent me to cyborg finishing school,” Derputus informed them.
The Doctor let out a long-suffering sigh. "Dinky, might I try a different tact before we blow your mother up?"
"...ok!" Dinky said happily.
"Thank you. Now then, tell me Derpy... do you even know what 'assimilate' means?"
"... to eat with nice warm butter?" Derputus guessed.
"No. To the borg, it would mean turning the muffins into more borgs... so you couldn't eat them."
BOOM!
The Doctor whipped around, the TARDIS shaking as the Borg Cube exploded. "Mary Sue, stabilize that lever there! Dinky, press those two yellow buttons to the beat of 'Smoke on the Water'! Derpy, put down that muffin and-" The Doctor stopped, staring at a no-longer-borg Derpy, who was happily eating a chocolate chip muffin. "How... how did you even get on here... how..."
"Happy second season, everypony!" Derpy said with glee.
"Hello Princess... I mean, Celestia." Twilight giggled a bit as she happily cantered into the throne room, glad that she didn't have to wear her ceremonial gown or crown today (it being, of course, Casual Friday; every third Tuesday was Wacky Tacky Crown Day). "It feels weird calling you by... well... your name."
Celestia smiled serenely from her throne. "You will get used to it, Twilight, I am sure of it. Tell me, how is everything at your castle?"
The purple alicorn grinned,. "Great! There was some issues getting the courts to recognize Rollypolly as a prince, but once he glomped them they gave in. Oh, Spike is really getting into being captain of my guard..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Captain," one of the privates said softly, not wanting to get another lecture, "I know it is not my place to question you... but are you sure we are best serving Princess Twilight by following around this unicorn Rarity and taking pictures of her while she undresses?"
"DO NOT QUESTION MY ORDERS, MAGGOT!" Spike shouted.
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia nodded. "Of course he is. Now then... what would you like to do today?"
Twilight pursed her lips, considering such a simple question with the same focus she would use for a complex math problem. What with them being in-between world-ending disasters, the princesses pretty much had all day to just hang out. "Well, I have a lunch date with Fluttershy... she sent me roses and candy." Twilight held up a pair of edible panties. "They are very yummy! You want a piece?”
"I am good," Celestia said, ignoring the little pang in her heart as she thought of what Cadence would have said if offered cherry-flavored undergarments. "So, when do we go?"
"Uh... well, I guess you could come along..." Twilight shifted nervously. "Princess Celestia, can I speak honestly?"
"Of course, Twilight. I want you to speak your mind and not-"
"You are way too clingy and it is creeping me the (CENSORED!) out!"
"-hold...back..." Celestia blinked in surprise at Twilight's outburst.
The purple alicorn sighed. "I'm sorry... but it is true. You keep following me around and spending time with me...”
“I don’t know about,” Celestia said.
“What about at the pet get-together last week?”
~Last Week~
Celestia looked at Rarity’s cat, bald as a monk thanks to an ill-timed blast for fire from Philamenia. “… I am sure that will grow back.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“ I don't mind but... don't you have any other friends?" Celestia bit her lip but Twilight didn't notice the awkwardness that was gathering around them. "I mean, what about Luna?"
"Well..."
~Meanwhile, in Detrot…~
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
Luna groaned, rolling off the floor, her hooves connecting with several beer bottles that littered her dirty apartment. After moving out of Canterlot Castle it had occurred to the lunar princess that for the first time in her life she was on her own: no Tydal setting up rules about coasters (they lived in a watery castle that was made of stone, what was he worried about?), no Celestia telling her not to put her hooves up on the table… it was just her. She could do whatever she wanted… cut loose and really have some fun and not worry about living up to anypony’s expectations.
A piece of pizza feel from where it had become stuck on the ceiling and landed on her horn.
‘Alright, so maybe I went a bit too far…’ Luna thought. She blinked her bloodshot eyes and smacked her lips together; waking up hungover sucked and the only cure was more booze. “Wasted again in Margaretaville…”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
“I’m coming!” Luna shouted, throwing on her bathrobe. She checked her pocket to make sure her bong wasn’t sticking out before trudged up to the door. "Who is it?"
"EPS.”
“EPS?” Luna asked, throwing open the door to reveal a mailpony. “Oh, Equestria Postal Service. Where is Derpy?”
“She had to do the cold opening so I am filling in. Package for a Ms. 'Pencil Luba'?"
"Princess... Luna."
"It says Pencil Luba. Are you Pencil Luba?"
"...yes," Luna grumbled, pressing her hoof to her head.
"Are you ok?"
"Just... a rough night. I had a bit too much to drink..."
Iron Will emerged from the bathroom. "Luna, we're out of shampoo!"
"...ok, more than a bit," Luna muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...she is very busy and I hate to bother her," Celestia said, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice. “So, lunch with Fluttershy?”
Twilight frowned, cursing herself for pressing that line of questioning. Gossip had spread fast through Canterlot about Celestia's falling out with her sister and with Lord Tydal.... and Shining Armor and Cadence weren't options either...
~Meanwhile, at Tydal’s Keep…~
“Tydal… sweetie,” Merida said gently as she cautiously approached her husband.
“Yes,” Tydal said, never opening his eyes. He was seated in the lotus position, his head tilted down and his breathing steady and even.
“Everyone is a bit worried about you. We know you are upset about Celestia and Luna-“
“The path they chose is the path they must walk,” Tydal stated. “It does no good to invite negative emotions into my soul. I wish them well.”
“…right, love, but the thing is that… we don’t think you are handling this properly. Ever since you started your yoga exercises you’ve… well…”
“Oh?” Tydal said, getting out of the lotus position and moving into one-hoofed stance. He began to bring his forelegs towards him before pushing them back, as if he were drawing in the air then shoving it away. “And how would you have me behave, life partner?”
Merida frowned. “Stop calling me that. And I want you to react with rage and ange. Merida sniffed, tears in her eyes. “You haven’t murdered a single pony in days! Come on, don’t you want to commit some bloodshed? Go out and terrorize a village? There is one just a few miles up here where every pony says the word ‘like’ way too much…”
“Violence against the world is violence against yourself,” Tydal said serenely. “I have chosen to become a pacifist.”
“HE’S POSSESSED!” Coral screamed, rushing into the bedroom with a lower-case t tucked under her arm and some of her grandmother’s tears in a vase. “The power of murder compels you! The power of murder compels you!”
Misty entered the room, blood dripping from her horns and a mask that resembled her father’s fave hanging off her tail. “Ok… so I killed a whale and left its head in downtown Manehattan… that should buy us a few more days to snap father out of this before ponies start asking questions.”
“We are as important as that whale,” Tydal stated with a serene smile. “We are all part of the same ecosystem… that is why it is wrong to kill.”
“…I don’t even know you anymore!” Merida sobbed.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Princess Cadence?" one of the crystal ponies said softly, trotting up to their leader. "Are you ok?"
Cadence had seen better days. Her meds left her feeling sluggish and the loneliness of being in the Crystal Empire had caused her to lose any desire to keep up her appearances. Her mane was a tangled mess and she had taken to wearing a ratty stained bathrobe. At the moment she was lounging on her dais, wheezing.
"Hi chuba da naga?” Cadence grunted (being up north had given her the same sinus infection that had plagued King Sombra), grabbing another box of donuts. She stuffed four of them in her mouth, powdered sugar snowing on her chest.
"Princess... the royal doctor is concerned with your diet..." her adviser said gently.
"Haku?" Cadence said, her jowls full of donut.
"You've put on 180 pounds and they said if you gain any more weight they will have to cut off your hoof!"
"Mi chuga,” Cadence complained, grabbing a bottle of crystal syrup and chugging it like Celestia during her frat days.
“No princess!" the guards rushed over, trying to stop the plump alicorn. Cadence looked at the food, weakly reaching for it, when she spotted that one of the boxes of treats was infact doggie biscuits… Shining Snacks, to be exact.
“ Uma ji muna,” she screamed at the treats. ~MC~MC~MC~
At a coffee house in Canterlot, an MC stepped up to the mic set up in the back of the darkly lit dining area. The audience was made up of latte swilling hipsters who tried way too hard to appear aloof and were into things only because it was ironic and lame to be into such things. "Testing testing... April is the cruelest month, cruelest month..." Satisfied that the mic was working, the pony cleared his throat. "Mares and stallions, Kafka's Coffee Bar is proud to present Mr. Shining Armor."
Shining stepped up to the mic, a far cry for the noble captain he had been. He wore a tight black turtleneck, a little black beret and tinted glasses that were perched on his snout. He nodded to the ground before speaking.
"The sun peered through my blinds again, chasing away the ebony lies that played upon my punished sockets. Old cigarette ash filled my mouth like the remains of some lost kingdom built upon the legends of a sick fool. The mirror presented the world corrected, for the land I lived in had been reversed and altered. 'Treben' I said to myself, not caring about the meaning."
The patrons clicked their hooves together.
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight walked up to her mentor and nuzzled her. "Princess, I know you are lonely and I don't mind you coming with me... everywhere... except maybe the shower..."
"But now your back is so clean!" Celestia said. “Say, we should have another shower! Right now!”
"...maybe later. My point is that you need to go and find a solution for your blues yourself... the answer won't fall out of the sky, you know?"
A bolt of lightning struck Celestia, leaving a bit of ash where she had stood.
"...ok, so I need to blame this on Prince Blueblood somehow..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia groaned, struggling to lift her head up. "Ugh... Tydal I don't want to go to school today..."
"That is your choice, my dear.” The solar princess bolted up, staring in shock at the god of the sea. Tydal was once more in the lotus position, his eyes heavy-lidded. "Life is full of choices and it is wrong to judge others based on the ones they make.”
Luna sat up, her eyes bloodshot. "By the Creator, did Will slip something my morning Bloody Mary?" She looked around before letting out a wail. “MY BOOZE!!”
"Gra...gra..." Cadence wheezed, clearing her throat. "Ow... that hurt… where is my fried bacon sandwich… that will make the pain go away."
"I believe a pink slug ate Cadence,” Tydal said, stretching like a cat. “Oh well, circle of life.”
"I think that is Cadence," Luna commented. The lunar princess tilted her head as Cadence continued to huff and puff, her round, bloated belly dragging on the ground. "I... think... maybe it wasn’t a good idea to take that acid I bought from Cheerilee…”
"Darkness around me with only fools and traitors to keep me company," Shining intoned.
“Shining Armor… I have no opinion good or bad about you,” Tydal stated, performing a crouching crane stance.
"What the hell is wrong with all of you," Chrysalis complained the last of them to stand up. “By the Creator did you come down with Cerberus Syndrome or something?”
Celestia frowned. "What are you doing here?"
The changeling queen shrugged. "I have no idea. One minute I was watching the Country Changeling Jamboree while looking over my nude photos of Shining Armor, the next I am here."
"We brought her here... as we brought all of you."
The ponies, capricorn and changeling looked around, their magic flaring as the lights burst on and revealed their captors.
"Oh... this is bad, is it?" Chrysalis muttered.
"Much worse than that," Luna said in fear.
Celestia swallowed, looking out at the thousands of chairs that rose around them, encircling the small group and leaving them no place to run or hide. "The worst place imaginable... the Parliament of the Draconequus.”
“I can’t believe you are finally letting me meet your family!”
Octavia let out a sigh, watching as Vinyl did her best Pinkie Pie impression. They had been sailing for nearly a week and the DJ had gotten cabin fever being cooped up on the ship, waiting for the call that the shore had been sighted (and there was a limit to how much hardcore lesbian sex the two of them could have... 'hardcore lesbian sex' being, of course, a fruity drink sailors like). The gray pony pulled her hat on a bit tighter, shivering against the cold wind.
“Yes, but you remember what I said, right?” Octavia said dryly.
“Sure I do, Ocky!”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Come on, don’t be like that!” Vinyl’s sunglasses shined under her dark hood, the drawstrings of her hooded jacket bouncing as she danced in front of her girlfriend. “You know you can trust me.”
“Actually no, I don’t know that, and I want you to take this seriously. I haven’t seen my family since I moved to Equestria.”
“I still can’t believe you are a foreigner… it adds 20 points to your cool factor and 5 to mine!” Vinyl looked around the dreary landscape, realizing that this was clearly Octavia’s home. “So… why is it so cold here?”
“Winter is coming,” a tall, grim looking stallion with a thick beard said. He was dressed in black faux furs and had a great broadsword attached to his side. “Octavia.”
“Father,” the musician said. “Vinyl Scratch, my I present Lord Ender Stark, first of his name, lord of Winterfell and warden of the north. Father, this is-“
“DJ Pon 3, first of my name cuss no one is as fly with the beats as I am!” Vinyl said. “So, Winter is coming, huh?”
Ender frowned. “Yes… those are the Stark words.” He turned to look at his daughter. “Right…”
Octavia Stark nodded. “Yes father.”
Vinyl scoffed. “Well, my words are ‘Where is the booze?’”
A small dwarf pony with a blond mane (with a few whores trailing after him) trotted by and grinned. “Oh, you and I are going to get along just fine!”
“Wow… “ Chrysalis said, looking about the massive chamber. All around the five immortals (and Shining Armor) were thousands of dragon-like creatures, each one looking similar yet somehow remaining different. Some sported strange wings, others had scaly arms or tentacles. A few had eyes like bumblebees and one even had snakes for hair. They were all watching the six, judging them like some high arbitrators. The chamber was made of a fine dark marble and stretched up nearly a 300 feet high and twice as long. And there, in the center of it all, stood those six. “What the hell is a draconequus?”
Shining just stared at her. “You don’t… I mean…” he cleared his throat, wishing he had his bongos. “Twisted forms look down upon me, a reflection of life and all its flaws casting its rays upon my crude form. Is it reality I see, or my own weakness that is mirrored?”
“… what?” Chrysalis said.
“What he means is,” Celestia began, only to pause. “Actually, I don’t know what he means. But a draconequus... er, draconequii...uh...they are a dragon/pony combo.”
“Oh, like a kilin?” Chrysalis asked excited. “I know a few of them… they have simply the most fascinating silk patterns!”
Luna drunkenly pointed at the changeling queen. “I get it, I know what she’s here! She’s going to be the Rarity of our group!”
“What?” Celestia said.
Her little sister waved her hooves about. “It… it was b-bugging me… I was trying to figure out all our roles. Cadence is c-c-clearly Pinkie –HIC- Pie-“
“Hot dog vendor!” the mare called out, pointing to her mouth. “Just toss them in here!”
“Do none of you six care to hear what we have to say?” one of the draconequus asked.
“…and Chrysalis will fill the Rarity role.”
Chrysalis lifted her snout up. “Please! Me, be Rarity… that would be the WORST…THING…EVER!”
Celestia nodded. “Ok, now I see it.”
“You are Applejack, because you are hard working and a bore.” Luna giggled, pointing at herself. “I am Twilight because I am the leader and her mama… Tydal is Rainbow Dash-“
“The only thing in life that is 20% cooler is trying to achieve enlightenment,” Tydal stated.
“-Tydal WAS Rainbow Dash, and Shining Armor is Fluttershy because he is our b-bitch!”
One of the draconequus leaned forward, growing annoyed that he and his colleagues were being ignored. "Don't you want to know why we-MMMURPF!"
Luna had reached over, yanking the draconequus' jaw open. "Yes, I'd like a cheeseburger and some fries... oh, and one of those apple pies. Any of the rest of you want anything?"
"Can they take three bacon burgers and merge them into one big burger?" Cadence asked. "I could go for some big meat in my mouth."
"I can't believe she actually means that and isn't making a pun," Chrysalis muttered. "Seriously, is that what gave me away during the invasion? Should I have jumped Twilight and humped her like a bunny on cocaine?"
"You have cocaine?" Luna asked, promptly letting go of the draconequus' mouth and hurrying over to the changeling queen. "Come on, I need a fix bad..."
"SILENCE!" The draconequus bellowed, causing the group to grow quiet. "You have been brought here to be judge, not to act like lunatics."
"Obviously you do not know us well," Tydal said, practicing his tai chi.
Shining bobbed his head. "Craziness is merely a disease... a disease brought on by sanity. Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye."
"We all live in a yellow subermine," Tydal intoned peacefully.
"Enough!" another draconequus shouted. "Now that you are here your trial may commence. Mac?"
A new draconequus, this one dressed in a garish cardigan, cleared his throat. "Case #15632: The Draconequus vs. The God Squad. The honorable Judge Stone presiding."
A draconequus that looked to be made out of many different types of stone, from marble to obsidian, walking up to a judge's stand that had risen from the ground. He tossed the fedora he was wearing to Mac before settling down and shuffling through his papers. He turned to a draconequus with slicked back hair who was wearing a VERY nice pinstripe suit and smiled. "Alright, what do we have?"
"Your honor, no one is denying the fact that the six creatures before you that make up the God Squad-"
"Uh, can I point out that I am not with them?" Chrysalis said, realizing that being part of the group would only mean pain and suffering. "I mean, I think I am technically their enemy, even though we are all related. So I think I should be tried separately..."
"-that make up the God Squad are pathetic beings. They go out on a single mission and are constantly sidetracked. They are always referencing things and at times do not represent the very beings they were not 2 weeks earlier. It is almost as if they are being written by some demented part-time novelist who is hungry for reviews."
"What an odd metaphor," Celestia said.
Shining stepped forward. "The law is the chain that restrains the noble falcon; all that follow the word of fools and madmen should not be surprised when they discover their own lives drained to pips. The cake is a lie and frosting is a half-truth."
"I'd like some lie cake," Cadence said, drooling at the thought. "Is that like the bubble cake they keep putting near my bath tub? That is yummy and makes me burp!"
"... again, I am so not with them," Chrysalis called out.
Celestia nodded, watching as Luna tried to convince the prosecutor to spot her fifteen bucks so she could buy a nickel bag. "I'd like to be tried separately as well."
Chrysalis grinned. "Yes! Celestia and I are very much alike and are nothing like these four psychos!"
The solar goddess lifted her head up high. "Now, please send me back so I can join the pony, who I kept locked up in my castle during her youth, in eating edible panties before we take a shower together." When the others just stared at her Celestia stood up all the more proudly. "It is not strange in the slightest! Besides, you should be concerned too; that mare is the daughter of your ruler and my virgin sister. Granted, Discord was stone when Twilight was born and Luna was trapped on the moon, but it makes total sense and I need to be there to subject my maybe-niece to mind games... then take a shower with her."
Chrysalis just stared at Celestia before turning to the judge. "Oh, just (CENSORED) me now."
"No comment from you?" Tydal asked Cadence.
"Unless (CENSORED) is a type of donut I'm not interested," Cadence said, using her magic to grab a candy bar from a nearby vending machine.
The prosecutor cleared his throat. "See? Such actions clearly show that these six are vile, horrible characters... and anyone that enjoys their antics is most likely insane themselves and should be chemically castrated."
"Why did he call us characters?" Tydal asked. Celestia opened her mouth, but Tydal had already zoned out.
"We are not here to argue that... we are here to determine if they have become... cliche."
"Huh?" Celestia, Luna, Tydal, Shining, Cadence and Chrysalis all said.
The judge nodded. "The worst offense any character can commit is to become over-used, over-played... cliched. Nothing is worse than a group that should have left the stage hours ago but continues to play. That is what we fear has happened to you."
"... sounds about right," Tydal said.
"What?!?" Celestia screamed. "You aren't suppose to agree with them!"
Tydal reached over and patted Celestia on the shoulder. "My dear, you must not be so stressed. All things will work out in the end. Your honor, we are guilty."
Celestia quickly turned to the judge. "Don't listen to him, he is clearly nuts!"
"I -HIC!- agree with... the weird fish thing... I think his name is Steve."
"LUNA!"
"Guilty? Innocent? What are these but labels created by those that wish to pin all down upon their tables and examine them and classify them? To classify is to control and to be classified is to die."
The prosecutor looked at Shining before turning back to the judge. "I am pretty sure that was beatnik for 'Guilty'." He snapped his fingers and summoned a large pizza. "Cadence, if you admit you are guilty you can have the pizza."
"Oh, come on!" Chrysalis complained.
"Now now, bribing the defendants is perfectly legal," the judge said.
"Who set up that stupid rule?!?"
"Lord Discord the Great," Mac said, pointing to a mural depicting Discord riding on a ferret.
"I AM SO GUILTY IT HURTS!" Cadence screamed, grabbing the pizza and rubbing it over her fat folds. "Ooooohhh yeah!"
The judge banged his gavel. "All opposed?" Celestia and Chrysalis raised their hooves. "Right... the guilties have it. Princesses Celestia, Cadence and Luna, Lord Tydal, Captain Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis, you are found guilty of being cliched characters. For this offense, which is so horrible that it causes the bile to rise in my throat-"
"Wait a minute," Chrysalis exclaimed, "this sounds like the victory speech I had prepared for when I took over Canterlot!"
"-it has been ruled by us, this noble group of strange monsters that shouldn't rightly exist-"
"That shouldn't rightly exist... word for word! You ruffians stole my speech!" Chrysalis tried to grab the judge, only to be held back by Celestia.
"-have decided that you will be sent to the Asylum of the Draconequus, where you will spend the rest of your days locked away so you can not harm any other souls or soles. Bailiff, take them away!"
"Ooookay," a bull-headed draconequus said, snapping his fingers and placing the six in straightjackets.
"You can't do this!" Celestia cried out.
The judge smiled. "We can... because fans still like us."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Owie..." Cadence whimpered, slowly waking up. "I am getting tired of being awoken like this... and not finding a pizza waiting for me."
"You just had pizza." Chrysalis transformed into a snake and slithered out of her straight jacket before returning to normal. "Where are we?" she asked, looking around the strange room. It was overly white, with nice couches and all the tables had rounded edges. "Is this hell?"
Luna struggled to get herself out of her straightjacket. "No, hell is a bit warmer and there is more Rihanna songs playing. I don't where the hay we are. Of course, I am really high right now, so most likely none of this is happening."
"I suggest we do nothing to cause any stress or pain," Tydal said.
"... I hate everything about the way you are now," Celestia complained. "Poor Twilight... now she will have to shower alone..."
"Water falls on my back and mingles with my tears. I arise only to fall again. Luke, I am a cash grab."
Chrysalis just stared at Shining in disgust. "If you weren't so sexy I'd punch you. Come now, let us check one of the doors, shall we?" She marched up to a door and threw it open.
"Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic!" a strange bearded man in a dirty t-shirt, suit jacket and baseball hat proclaimed. "I remember it so you don't have to!"
Chrysalis slammed the door shut.
"What was that?" Cadence whimpered, attempting to hide behind a lamp.
"I... don't know," Chrysalis said. "Let me try another door."
Behind this door was another strange human, only this one had wild yellow and black hair and an upside-down pyramid around his neck. "Super special awesome!"
"Brooklyn rage!" another human cried out.
"Screw the rules, I have-"
Celestia slammed that door shut. "Oh, by the Creator... it just keeps getting worse!"
"Let's -HIC- try the e-e-elevator!" Luna slurred, pressing the down button.
The doors slid open, revealing a smiling Korean man in a green shirt and shorts, a cowboy hat on his head, gyrating his hips as a strangely well dressed Korean man laid between his legs, rapping.
"So,” Logic Point said, looking over his notebook. Several guards were wandering around, investigating the crime scene (normally Octavia and Vinyl or Thunderlane would handle this, but the mares were on vacation and Thunderlane was on his yearly camping trip with The Question and Rorshach). “According to you, you were minding your own business, thinking about how great it was to have Princess Celestia alive and not a pile of ash, when Prince Bueblood flew in on a broom, cackling about how he was going to get you and your little dragon too. When Celestia refused to give him her ruby horseshoes, he got mad and threw a bolt of lightning that disintegrated the Princess." Logic Point glanced at Twilight. “That… is what you say happened?”
Twilight nodded nervously. "Pretty much."
Wall Breaker the 4th shrugged. "Seems legit."
Logic Point sighed. "Normally I would argue about how insane that story is and state that it was clear you were lying to us… but Prince Blueblood was a royal prick, so I am all for hanging him."
Twilight grinned. "Good! Now if you'll excuse me, I am late to my lunch date with Fluttershy... lunch date, that is silly! Makes it sound like Fluttershy and I are a couple."
"You aren't?" Logic Point said, only to get kneed by Wall Breaker.
"She needs to figure it out on her own... like Princess Celestia and the waffle maker."
“I’ll see you two at the execution!” Twilight said happily, trotting towards the door.
Logic and Wall Breaker glanced at each other, then hurried forward, blocking Twilight's path. "Princess, you can't go."
"But Fluttershy said if I was late I wouldn't get any of her cherry pie! I love cherry pie... especially when there is tons of cream on it!"
"How can she not... right, never mind," Logic Point mumbled.
"Princess Twilight, you are the only Princess left. Princess Cadence is in charge of the Crystal Empire and your mother is dead-"
"Luna isn't my mother and what do you mean she is dead?!?"
Wall Breaker waved off her concern. "Or she moved to Detrot, who cares? The point is that the author has clearly set it up that one of the recurring cold opening storylines will be you in charge of Equestria, just like Vinyl and Octavia being in A Game of Thrones, the whole Derpy’Doctor/Mary Sue/Dinky arcs and him getting his own Iron Man battle armor."
"What?" Twilight said.
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” defender2222 cried out as he flew past the window in his blue and gold Chaosbringer armor.
“Looking good, boss!” Wall Breaker shouted.
“Did I hit my head or something?” Twilight complained.
Logic shook his head. "Just ignore him... he does that all the time."
"Cue the title screen... I wonder what theme the author picked this time!"
"Run faster!" Celestia screamed as the sixsome hurried down the halls of the asylum, the cries of the cliched filling their ears. "We have to find some way out of-Dramatic chipmunk! Tydal, kill!"
Tydal, instead of committing bloody murder, slowed down and patted the little furry creature on the head. "Hello, my fellow life brother. We are both part of the same ecosystem, so that makes us brothers in-EERRK!"
Chrysalis yanked Tydal away from the fuzzy critter. "Stop making friends with the cliches!"
"Yeah!" Cadence cried out. The group, realizing she'd never be able to keep up, had decided to simply roll her down the hallway like a bean bag chair filled with chunky soup... it was totally dignified. "How am I supposed to eat it if you are friends with it?"
"Want to see my video that explains why some historical event was staged by the government?" a fat, balding man with a dirty shirt and a camcorder asked, trying to show some pamphlets printed on recycled paper in their faces.
"All the politicians dance to the song played by bagpipes made of dollar bills, their notes built from the shattered dreams of the fallen," Shining intoned.
"See, he gets it!" the conspiracy theorist exclaimed.
Celestia shook her head at Shining's ramblings. "Where is his evil muffin when you need him?"
~Meanwhile, miles away~
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the evil muffin screamed as he flew through the air.
"Come back here!" Derpy screamed, her eyes blood red, a knife and fork clutched in her hooves. "GET IN MY BELLY!"
~Back at the plot...~
"Oh by the Creator, what are they doing?!?" Chrysalis screamed, watching as several ponies did a weird jig, much like how a colt might move if he needed to use the bathroom.
"I think it is called the Harlem Shake," Luna stated as they turned down another corner.
"PLANKING!" Cadence shouted, several patients having formed a ramp by lying still as a board (seriously, this was a thing?). The pink alicorn squealed as she rolled up the plankers, flying through the air and crashing through the floor.
"Chrysalis, Shining, get her back!" Celestia stated. "We leave no pony behind!"
"You can't order me around, I'm a queen!” Chrysalis sniffed, nose held high in the air. “Queen outranks princess!"
Celestia grabbed the changeling and shook her. "Do what I say or I will show you my Tydal impression!"
"...I will happily chase after the fat slug with the beatnik."
"Good choice." Celestia looked around wildly for some kind of exit while Chrysalis and Shining leapt down to retrieve Cadence. "Come on, we have to- there!" She ran to a door that had a glowing EXIT sign on it.
“Wait, what about leaving no pony behind?” Luna asked.
"WE'RE NO STRANGER TO LOVE! YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO I!"
"We've been Rick-rolled!" Luna screamed.
The singer grabbed Celestia and began to tug her towards the door. "No, get off of me! HELP!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do you see her Shining Armor?"
"To see? To dream? I thought about all of these as I drank my coffee, the darkness in the cup reflecting the-"
"Nevermind, there she is." The changeling queen hurried forward, shapeshifting into Iron Will. "Ugh, even in this form she's too heavy!" The changeling strained to lift Cadence up, who was rocking back and forth like a turtle caught on his back. "Come on, do something to help-"
"SLENDER!" Cadence screamed.
"No, you aren't slender you are-" Chrysalis whipped around, eyes wide when she saw the tall, faceless ghoul rapidly approach. "CRAP!" She whipped around, shifting back to her normal form, and began to fire at the demon, only for the Slender Man to warp around them. "A little help!"
"Help those who can help themselves... or help none at all," Shining said.
“I…. huff… will….oh no… not another heart attack!” Cadence cried out. “Cake usually settles it down… someone needs to get me cake!”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Great, I am going to die here... well, at least I will die pretty!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"HELP!" Celestia screamed, trying to fight off the singer. She fired off a few bolts of magic but it did little against the cliché. Luna wasn’t paying attention, having been distracted by something shiny and thus removing herself from the list of potential rescuers. "Tydal, please!"
Tydal, however, had assumed the lotus position, eyes shut and the world tuned out. He focused on his breathing, feeling his soul lighten.
'That is it, Tydal', a voice intoned, 'you are nearing spiritual enlightenment… the mysteries of the universe will soon be unveiled to you. The meaning of life, the purpose of existence….'
"Tydal!"
'Let go of your anger... your rage...let go of your possessions, they weigh you down...'
"Tydal, please!"
'All that you need is yourself. Your friends... your family...you must let them go too…’
Celestia reached out. "Tydal... Tydal..." Celestia closed her tear-soaked eyes as she felt the singer drag her further through the door, one hoof all that remained that kept her from being sucked into the music video forever. "DADDY!"
The capricorn's eyes snapped open. "Celestia?" He turned, body trembling as he saw his little sister... his princess... his daughter... being grabbed against her will, tears falling from her eyes.
Godly energy poured out of him, lightning crackling in his eyes and steam hissing as he rose from his body.
'Uh oh. No, you must focus, you must… oh, just forget it!’
"AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" Tydal screamed, leaping at Rick, teeth sinking down and severing the singer's arm. The capricorn quickly pushed Celestia behind him, roaring in fury as he glared at his opponent. Tydal's horns flared and he ripped a 2by4 from the wall and began to beat the cliche over and over, blood splashing on his fur as he pummeled the crooner. "NO-ONE-TOUCHES-MY-GIRLS!" His tail lashed out and he cut the musician's head off before whipping around, a sneer in on face. The other cliches backed away, terror in their eyes, as Tydal took a step forward, his magic grabbing onto Celestia and Luna and moving them behind him. "Whose next? Who wants to face Lord Tydal, God of the Sea, God of War? Because if you think for one bloody moment that I am going to let you hurt MY LITTLE GIRLS, you truly are mad! So, who wants to face me? Huh? Who? WHO WANTS TO DIE TONIGHT? BECAUSE THE LORD OF THE MAREATINE HAS COME!"
"He's back!" Celestia cheered, hugging her murderous, blood-soaked protector.
~MC~MC~MC~
Chrysalis groaned, her knees shaking as she tried to keep up her attack. The Slender Man was simply too quick, dodging her attacks and gaining ground. "I... I can't keep this up!"
"I'll help!" Cadence said, legs churning. Sadly, they weren't touching the ground thanks to her massive gut. "Oooohhh."
"Cadence..." an ethereal voice said. "Cadence..."
The pink alicorn turned, watching as the blue force ghost of Starswirl the Bearded appeared. "An old pony I've never met before!" Cadence exclaimed. "What can I do for you?"
"Use the lust, Cadence," Starswirl said.
"What?" Cadence said, brow furrowed. "But...but I was only a nympho because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
"You are wrong, Cadence. You have an addictive personality.... first you were addicted to tiaras, then being a good babysitter, then folk music for some reason, then sex, and now food. Sex, though, is your strongest aspect... your time in the caves didn't give you PTSD... it revealed your true nature... your true strength.”
"It... it did?" Cadence whispered.
"Yes... use the lust, Cadence... it is your destiny!"
The Slender Man reached out, only a few feet away from Chrysalis. "I'm almost out of juice... now would be a good time for you to be slutty!" the changeling cried out.
"That's my secret, Chrysalis," Cadence said, her body vibrating. “I'm always slutty!" She began to glow red hot and then, with a burst of energy, was revealed to be once more slim and sexy. And with that she grabbed Shining and tossed him behind a couch. "Time to screw the beatnik out of you!"
Chrysalis' eyes glowed a bright green as the love energy filled her. Slender Man took a step back in fear as the goddess of drama trembled, her tail twisting into a scorpion’s stinger and a set of sharp pincers burst from her sides. Her wings became razor sharp and her teeth sharpened till they rivaled a shark’s. "Say hello to 10%, Slender!" Chrysalis snarled, spiky armor forming along her body as she pounced.
~MC~MC~MC~
"GRRRUUUUBBA!" Luna cried out as Tydal forced her mouth over the drinking fountain spout, his horns glowing as he drew the water out so that it was practically bursting from the spout.
"Tydal, are you sure-" Celestia called out, firing a blast at an annoying orange.
"Need to purge her system!" Tydal shouted, finally lifting her up. "You sober yet?!"
"Uh...huh..." Luna gasped
"Good... because if you ever get hooked on drugs again I will give you a time out until you are 3000 years old!"
"Yes sir," Luna said weakly, tears in her eyes. Tydal smiled and drew the sisters to him, hugging them both.
"Ok, I am happy too," Celestia said, "but we need to find-"
"SHAZAM!" Shining Armor screamed in joy.
"...I think Cadence snapped out of it," Tydal stated. Sure enough, the pink alicorn flew around a corner and raced towards them, Chrysalis (back in her 1% form) and Shining Armor just behind her. The captain was trying to free himself from his turtleneck, with poor results. "Shame, I liked you as an insufferable fool."
"Nice to see you back to being a monster, Tydal," Shining snarked, pointing to Tydal’s blood-soaked tail. "Anypony have any ideas on how we get out of here?"
"Oooooo!" Cadence exclaimed. "What if we set off a big bomb and ran away from it as it exploded... in slow motion!"
Luna frowned. "That might be the most cliched thing of all!"
The asylum rumbled, the squad trying to keep their footing as the building pitched and rolled. Celestia’s eyes widened as jets of flames burst out of the floor.
"...MOVE HOOVES!" Luna roared, the squad racing down the hallway, the others hurrying after her, passing by cliches who were trying to figure out what to do. Walls began to crumble all around them and the floor under their hooves cracked.
"Shining!" Tydal called out, his horns glowing as he caused every pipe in the asylum to shatter. A great wall of water rushed up from behind them, taking out everything in its path. "Force field!"
"On it!" the captain called out, creating a hollow basin which the group leapt in, the whitewater rocketing down the halls. After a hard right they found themselves staring at something they hadn’t seen since their arrival: a window. "Princesses!"
"Luna?" Celestia said, charging her horn. "After you."
"Beauty before age," Luna teased, the sisters firing a blast of energy that took out the window and the wall, revealing blue skies.
"Here we go, darlings!" Chrysalis exclaimed as they burst out of the asylum. The changeling shifted into a massive dragon, the other five landing on her back just as the explosion went off, reducing the asylum to rubble. All of them lit up their horns, sending everything they had at the fire blast, redirecting it out of their way. "This is the part where we say something witty!"
"And that is how I created the Crystal Ponies!" the Doctor said with a grin.
"That is sick!" Mary Sue said in disgust. "You did that... with your... and their....ugh!"
Derpy nodded. "I am going to toss my muffins!" She grabbed her plate and threw it in the air, sending muffins raining down on them. "See, I tossed them!"
Dinky blinked in confusion. "But wait, if the cops knew the DA was setting them up, why did they go along with the plan?"
"What are you talking about?" The Doctor asked.
Dinky giggled. "When you talk about boring stuff I make up movies in my head!"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"I swear, if that is Booster Gold again, I am going to file a restraining order." The Doctor trotted over to the door and pulled it open, surprised to find not Booster Gold but a human wearing advanced gold/blue armor, a ARC reactor in the chest of his suit. "defender2222?"
"Hey Doctor," the author said, stepping into the TARDIS. "Mind if I use your bathroom? I was doing a test run in the Chaosbringer armor and forgot I'd had a Big Gulp before taking off." Retracting his faceplate, the author with no shame in the slightest (seriously, he just self-inserted himself again... you people need to find him a girlfriend) grinned. The 4 ponies turned away from him and huffed in annoyance. "Hey, what's with the annoyed looks?"
"Why don't you use the big filly potty at your new friends' time machine?" Dinky asked.
"My new friends?" the author asked.
The Doctor nodded. "Yes... the ones with the metal wings who get all of your attention?"
"My... oh, come on, you still can't be mad about me writing Faith and Doubt and The Abundance, can you?" defender2222 pointed at the Doctor and his family. "You three are in it!"
"Not in starring roles!" Derpy complained.
"You don't star in this fic either!"
"...we don't?" Derpy asked. "Then why do all the fans love us?"
"Because we are awesome like awesome sauce?" Dinky asked.
Mary Sue frowned. "The Scootaverse came first but it feels like all you care about is your drama fics!"
"Come on, that isn't true... you know what my true love is... in fact..."
The Doctor's eyes widened. "Oh no, please don't begin singing!"
"Too late! Deadpool?"
The merc with a mouth pushed an old-timey piano next to the table Derpy was sitting by and grabbed a bowler hat before beating out a tune.
"How do you people keep ending up in my TARDIS?!?!"
defender2222
I know what your thinkin' What is defender drinkin'? The Abundance is smokin' hot!
Yes it gets the ratin's and none of the hatin's but there's one thing it is not
Being critically acclaimed is just fine But it isn't the most favorite genre of mine! You want answers here's the proof!
Nothing suits me like a spoof!
Dream of the place Where the entire pony race is a parody of them self
Fluttershy ain't straight Pinkie bathes in cake And Luna toys on every shelf!
Derpy defeated all the borg Having Octavia riding on a warg! All of it is one big old goof!
Nothing suits me like spoof! (Spoof!) One that I can write (Spoof!) In the day or night! (Spoof!) You don't mind the sight of all my spelling issues! (Spoof!) This opening's rather long It's time to hit the gong I think I should call it a wrap!
Mary Sue
Oh really? Not till you answer to me, you sap...
What would you do if you had to chose Between this story and a pot of gold?
defender2222
Spoof
Derpy
What if even your mamas said all of your dramas were in and were never old?
defender2222
Spoof
Dinky
Stick with dramas for real, and Lauren Faust makes an appeal for you to write for the show?
defender2222
Whoa
The Doctor
What if every award went to-
defender2222
Hey, back up for a moment... Lauren really wants to give me a job?
Dinky
No... that was just a hypothetical.
defender2222
Aw....2-3-4!
defender2222, Deadpool, Derpy, The Doctor, Mary Sue and Dinky
On this site there are a million fics that are all dramatic and aloof! But every writer in here has to know fame can be gone with a poof!
defender2222
Yes, drama by me can be done but I'd rather do something I find fun! Let's face it I am just a big old doof!
The entire cast of Faith and Doubt, The Abundance, The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo and The God Squad
So lift up a hoof and let out a woof raise the roof every foof
AND READ....A.....
defender2222
Wait for it....
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!
All (as the Fonz jumps a shark in the background)
Nothing suits him like...a...spoof! a spoof a spoof a spoof a spoof a spoof YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 4: Assemble!
"Uh, Rarity, i don't think we should have come this way," Sweetie Belle said nervously. Her parents had gone on another vacation (something about stopping crime with their manservant Higgins... Sweetie didn't remember the details) so Rarity had taken the filly along with her on her trip to Prance. The fashionista had made a killing (not literally, though with this story you can't be too sure...) with her latest dress design (a lovely floral number that used actual bees' wax... Spike had been so wonderful, sending his guard to gather it for her; the guards had even stopped to take pictures of her!) and Rarity had decided to treat herself.
The city of lights had been just perfect, with the finest food, good wine, and so many shops that Rarity was pretty sure that her saddle bags were sobbing in protest (not that it mattered to her, as she had stopped listening to her saddle bags months ago, after they had convinced her that plaid was in).
It was the sisters' fifth day in the wonderful city and Rarity had stayed out for a few extra hours so she and Sweetie Belle could see the sun set from the Awful Tower (which was, of course, not a tower but a massive statue of the famous builder Awful Tower, brother of Leaning Tower, the world's best knife thrower/concert soprano). The sunset had been worth it, but now it was dark out and the sisters wanted to get back o their hotel.
"And why not?" Rarity asked, a trail of magic drifting behind her, the many different shopping bags that she had accumulated bounced in her wake. "This is a perfectly reasonable shortcut."
"There was a sign with a skull and crossbones on it," Sweetie reminded her.
"Just something a prankster put up."
"There was a chalk outline of a dead body that we had to step over."
"Some ponies just having a good time," Rariy stated.
"Those stallions are approaching up with knives and a bag labeled 'Bloody Torso Removal'!" Sweetie squealed, hiding behind her sister.
“Oh Sweetie Belle, you are always overreacting!” Rarity happily trotted up to the brutes that were approaching her. “Excuse me, which way to the Four Hooves Hotel? I thought it was just down this alley-“
“You got a pretty mouth,” one of the gang members said with a leer.
“Oh… well thank you.” Rarity turned to her sister. “See, he just wanted to pay us a compliment.”
“No, he wants to rape and kill us!” Sweetie exclaimed.
“He does not!” Rarity protested.
“Actually we do,” the leader of the gang said politely, before motioning for the other stallions to surround the girls.
“Rarity!” Sweetie screamed as her tried to make a hole through the crush of wicked stallions. The gang just kept getting closer, Rarity spinning about trying to find some way of escape while her little sister climbed onto her back, trembling with fear. Sweetie Belle looked to the sky, even as Rarity let out a cry, the hot breath blasting from the nostrils of the drunk stallion’s burning the back of her neck. "Please..." she wished upon a falling star, "please..."
The gray stallion laughed at the filly's whispered prayers. "You really think the stars are going to help you little one?" His horn glowed, grabbing onto a beer bottle and, smashing it against a wall, waved the jagged edge at the sisters. "Well, you better pray pretty damn-"
BOOM!
The falling star slammed into the ground, sending out a shockwave that caused the hooligans to stumble back, legs quivering from the sheer force of the blast. They backed away, leaving Rarity and Sweetie a bit of room to breathe. Slowly rising up, Princess Luna glared at the stallions as she stepped out of the crater she made. "Attacking my subjects... was a bad move."
A tan pegasus sputtered but quickly found his nerve. "You... you think we are scared of you?"
"Yes," Luna said politely.
"Well... there is only one of you are 10 of us! You are all alone!"
The ground trembled as Princess Celestia, Cadence and Chrysalis landed, Shining Armor and Tydal leaping from their backs. The captain formed a protective dome around Rarity and Sweetie while Chrysalis snapped and snarled at the drunks, her sharp fangs gleaming in the moonlight, cackling like mad as green flames danced along her horn. Cadence and Celestia joined Luna in circling Rarity and her sister, their horns glowing as they called up their magic; Celestia’s blinded those who were close, while Cadence merely gave them a smile that left their flanks feeling like a thousand spiders were crawling all over them. Tydal, spotting the tear-stained face of Sweetie Belle, leapt on top of the force field and reared back, letting out a roar that would have done a lion proud.
"Let's do a roll call of all the ponies you've pissed off," Luna said casually. "We have the youngest captain of the royal guard... his magic is so great he was able to shield an entire city even as he was drained of his lifeforce. If you think you are getting through his dome...." Shining narrowed his eyes, his horn flashing. "Oh, and the only being that was cunning enough to get through his shield and drain his magic is also on our side..."
"Hello, darlings," Chrysalis purred, green fire coursing all around her.
"You have my sister, the legendary Princess who actually lives up to that legendary title," Celestia snorted, fire shooting out of her nostrils as she barely contained her flames. "Of course, who can forget the God of War himself... he has some… incredible anger issues… especially when it comes to little ones being hurt." Tydal looked down at Sweetie Belle and flashed her a kind smile, the filly waving to him.
“We… we still have a gang!”
“We have a Cadence,” Luna shot back, the pink alicorn giving them a wink.
"...like that is supposed to scare us?" the leader of the gang said nervously.
"Cadence?" Luna said , moving to give her niece/little sister plenty of room.
The pink alicorn skipped over to the gang members. "I bet you guys like to force yourself on alot of mares, right?"
Shining tapped on the shield. "I suggest you cover your eyes."
Rarity frowned. "Why would I cover my-OH BY THE CREATOR, WHAT IS SHE DOING TO THOSE STALLIONS?!?"
"TOUCH HOOVES!" Cadence cackled, a dust cloud forming around her and the stallions. "TOUCH THEM MY PRETTIES! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Mercy!" the leader screamed, trying to pull himself away from the cloud.
"Tydal," Celestia said politely, "show them what mercy capricorns grant."
The war god grinned before leaping into dustcloud.
"Wow, Rarity, look!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Lord Tydal just created a geyser... but why is it red?" Rarity chose that moment to shield her sister's eyes.
Chrysalis walked over to the bubble and tapped it with her horn. "They are going to be a bit…do you have a hoof-file? I have a rough little area on my right front hoof and it is driving me mad!"
Rarity frowned as she pulled out the file from her saddle bag. "Aren't you the evil changeling queen that tried to take over Canterlot and suck up all our love?"
"Yes," Chrysalis said. She took the file and idly gestured at Luna. "Isn’t that the deranged moon goddess that tried to plunge Equestria into darkness that would have killed you all in eternal cold?"
"...point taken."
Celestia turned to her sister. "Think they've had enough?"
"I'd say so..." Luna said calmly. "Tydal, Cadence, that's good!”
The dustcloud dissipated, revealing Tydal, Cadence... and Steve Magnet. "Huh, I'm not quite sure how that happened," Cadence said, scratching her head, no signs of the stallions to be seen. "Did the mob turn into you or..."
"Ooooohh!" Steve laughed. "It is best not to question such things."
Tydal nodded. "Right. Do we all agree not to question this?" The rest of the squad nodded, as did Rarity and Sweetie Belle. "Good. Now, swim along, my aquatic brother from a different mother."
"Goodbye, Lord Tydal!" Steve said, bowing before leaping into a nearby fountain, promptly disappearing (again, best not to question these things).
"Well, that was a waste of time," Celestia said. She turned to Rarity and smiled. "Are you alright, my little pony?"
"My little pony?" Chrysalis chriped. "Gag me."
"If only I could," Celestia muttered.
Rarity shook her head. "Of course... please forgive me, Princess, it is just a shock to see you here."
The solar goddess nodded. "I can understand... believe me, I did not chose to be dragged off to that asylum-"
"She means because we all thought you were dead!" Sweatie Belle said happily.
"...what?"
Rarity nodded. "Yes, it is quite strange... Twilight told everypony you were killed by Prince Blueblood-"
"Like he could kill a flea," Luna complained.
"-and Equestria went into mourning. It only got worse when they couldn't find Princess Luna or Cadence..."
Luna smirked. "Tell me, how many strapping young stallions are mourning the loss of my flank?"
"Oh, I want to know that too!" Cadence giggled.
Shining, however, placed a hoof on his wife's shoulder, calming her down. "I think you are missing the point... if they think we are dead we won't be able to access our bank accounts. That means no hotels, no train tickets, nothing."
Luna frowned. "That is a problem... I suppose we could sneak onto a blimp... let us just hope Daring Do isn't on board and shoves us off before stating we have no ticket."
"She does realize Daring isn't real, right?" Shining whispered to Celestia.
"Don't burst her bubble, captain, you might cause her brain to explode."
Chrysalis sniffed dismissively. "I don't see why every pony is so concerned; just hold a press conference to tell the world you are alive... just leave me out of it."
"Why?" Tydal asked.
"Because I have some alimony payments I would like to get out of and this would be the perfect way to do so."
Shining pointed a hoof at her. "You were married before?"
"Of course... let us see, there was that fling with Fuzzy Thinker, then the Flim... or was it Flam, I can never remember..."
"Why do you care?" Luna asked Shining.
"Because she was going to marry me!"
"So?" Celestia asked. "Why does that matter?"
"Uh... well..."
"Shining loves Chrysalis!" Tydal taunted.
"Ha Ha!" Cadence laughed. "You love a bug!"
Shining glared at her. "You are my wife, you should be supporting me!"
"She is your wife... she should be mad you have the hots for another mare," Luna pointed out.
Sweetie Belle tapped Rarity on the leg. "What is going on, Rarity, I'm confused."
"I don't know," Rarity said, eyes suddenly widening. "Maybe they are those imposters!"
"Imposters?" Celestia asked, the argument between the squad growing quiet. "There are imposters of us?"
"Oh yes... there have been reports of them since you... well, since you 'died'."
"Did you just do air quotes?" Tydal asked. "it is hard to tell when you have hooves."
Rarity gave them all a critical look. "How do I know you are all who you claim to be?"
"Yeah!" Cadence said, pointing at Celestia, then Luna, then her own reflecting in a window. "How do I know you are really Cadence, Cadence! Answer me!" She rushed forward, forcing Shining to hold her back as she tried to attack her reflection.
The moon suddenly danced in the sky, writing the words, "ITS REALLY THEM!" with glowing light. Luna's horn stopped glowing as she smirked. "Proof enough?"
"...yes," Rarity said, quickly bowing.
Tydal, however, wasn't satisfied. "That does little to help us. Rarity is, sadly, one of the smarter ponies in Equestria. the other 99% will not clue in that we are not the imposters."
Celestia looked at her brother, her lips pursed. "I think you give my subjects too little credit."
"They think pies... are weapons," Tydal said slowly.
"He has a point," Sweetie Belle said. "Most of the fillies and colts in my class think Scootaloo is Rarity and Applejack's daughter... and a giant chicken."
"She isn't?" Chrysalis said, surprised. "THAT'S why my changelings sent to impersonate that filly failed to trick you all!" She pulled out a notebook. "Stop... having... changelings... turn... into... chickens."
Tydal turned to Celestia, swallowing nervously. "Celestia, a thought occurred to me just now."
"Do not worry, Scootaloo is not a giant chicken."
"No, I mean... I still have the Doomsday Scenario in placed." Luna and Celestia gasped in horror, while the others just stared at them, confused.
"Uh... may I ask what that is?" Rarity said gently.
Tydal clicked his teeth together. "The Doomsday Scenario was designed to ensure that if i was ever killed in battle or taken captive that my revenge would not be deterred. The entire capricorn army is on standing orders that if three months go by without me sitting on my throne, they will declare war on the world and slaughter every creature in existence."
“I just don’t what we are going to do,” Mrs. Cake said sadly, looking over the documents in front of her. “There is simply no way that we can stay afloat.”
“What did the accountant say?” Mr. Cake asked.
Mrs. Cake shook her head. “Nothing that can help, since we can’t alert him about why we are in the red.”
Mr. Cake sighed. After the incident with Nightdancer and her friends escaping (and then Nightdancer-dressed-as-King-Fakeo escaping) the Cakes had been dealt another, more serious blow. Filthy Rich had gotten it into his head that he wanted to buy their bakery and… change it. Oh, it would still be a bakery… just an erotic one. He’d stated that Princess Cadence’s orders alone would triple sales and make him a multi-billionaire. The Cakes had refused, mostly because all Filthy had offered them as payment was a dirty napkin he’d sneezed in (he was a haggler).
Filthy had responded as all rich stallions do when they don’t get their way… he calmly, with all the grace and charm he could muster… hired some thugs to terrorize Sugar Cube Corner, hoping to make life so hard on the Cakes that they would just give in and give up their bakery to Filthy for half of a sneezed-in napkin (again, he was a haggler).
"I... I just know how we'll manage to survive!" Mrs. Cake said sadly, tears gathering in her eyes. "Filthy Rich is going to drive us out of our business and our home!"
"We could ask the twins' real father for a loan," Mr. Cake said casually. "What was his name again?"
"You are their father... nice try though."
"Damn."
"Why is everypony such a grumpy bumpy in here?" Pinkie asked, skipping into the office. "Are you upset about the big veiny ponies that keep busting up the tables and made you wet yourself, Mr. Cake?"
"... yes," Mr. Cake said, blushing slightly.
"Oh, don't worry, I already took care of them!"
The Cakes blinked in surprise. "What do you mean?" Mrs. Cake asked. "What did you do?"
"I called an elite fighting force to take on the meanies!" Pinkie said, pulling a curtain out from under the desk (the desk being made by HammerSpace, INC) and, with a flourish, dropped it to reveal four strangers. "First, we have Handy Bill!" A white maned earth pony nodded, a thick cigar held firmly between his teeth. "Then there is Facepony!" A dashing unicorn stallion winked at Mrs. Cake. "Howlin' Mer-Dock." A surly looking capricorn let out a manic laugh. "And who could forget BJ Barabas?"
"I pity the foal that messes with me!" the mohawked zebra said, gold chains dangling from his neck. "I like drinking my apple juice."
"Pinkie... what..." Mr. Cake began.
"If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them... then you too can call THE NEIGH TEAM!"
Rarity groaned, stretching out in a vain attempt to work the kinks out of her back and neck. Blurry eyes blinked as she rubbed the gunk out of them, her lips smacking together as she glanced at the alarm clock that sat on the endtable.
Rarity groaned. She had gone on vacation so she could sleep in, not wake up 4 hours earlier than she normally did. She rolled off the hotel couch and winced; even if the Four Seasons (hey, not everything is a horse pun, ok?) was one of the premier hotels in Prance, that didn't mean their couches were comfy to sleep on. The white unicorn bit back a whimper, not wanting to alert any of her sleeping buddies that she was up.
After being rescued by the princesses.. and realizing said princesses had no money... Rarity had invited Celestia, Luna and the rest of their group back to her hotel room, so they could at least have one decent night's rest. She had given her bed up to the alicorn sisters, who had managed to make the king-size bed look tiny when the flopped down upon it. Cadence had decided to take Sweetie Belle's bed and had offered to let the filly rest there too; Sweetie had been ecstatic and accepted within seconds.
Rarity looked at the two, admitting that it was utterly cute the way Cadence was hugging Sweetie, her horn glowing softly as she used her magic to provide the filly with a nightlight.
Chrysalis was lying between the beds on the floor, her face covered in beauty cream, her mane in rollers and sleepmask held snugly to her face. The changeling would occasionally let out a dainty snort before falling back to sleep.
Rarity took a few extra moments to admire Shining Armor. The captain had taken the floor, using only a pillow and a spare blanket to get himself comfy. The rough conditions didn't look to faze him, as he had fallen into a deep sleep. Rarity smirking as she cast a longing look at his muscular flank; she might have been a lady but she was a lady with needs and desires.
Licking her lips, Rarity trotted into the bathroom, naughty little images dancing through her head. She didn't know if Shining had finalized his divorce from Cadence but it really didn't matter... Rarity would be more than happy to stake her claim. As these sexually charged thoughts went through her head she grasped the shower curtain with her magic, failing to notice the water was running...
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Rarity leapt back, screaming herself. Lord Tydal grabbed a towel and covered his chest, eyes wide in panic.
"PERVERT!" He screamed, using his magic to send Rarity flying back into the main room.
Sweetie Belle was jolted awake when Rarity's tail smacked her in the face. "Hey!"
"What's going on?" Luna asked groggily from her place on the bed. Celestia had wrapped her up in a hug and refused to let her sister go, preventing the lunar goddess from being able to even lift her head up.
"This harlot tried to sneak a peak!" Tydal cried out, still clutching the towel to him. "You should be arrested!"
Shining groaned. "You most likely murdered 10 stallions last night... you really don't have a hoof to stand on."
Sweetie Belle frowned. "But... he does, see?" She darted over and counted Tydal's hooves. "One, two, three-" She paused, standing directly under him. "Hey, what's that huge-"
"Get out from under there!" Tydal shouted, stumbling away from the filly. "You ponies are sick, just sick!" He hurried back into the bathroom and shut the door.
Rarity blinked, utterly horrified that she had peeped on the capri-
"Wait a minute... we are always naked!" Rarity exclaimed. "Why are you freaking out?!?!"
"So we are all perverts... good to know," Luna said, drifting back to sleep.
Shining pulled the blanket over his head. "Wake me when its time for breakfast, will ya?"
Cadence glanced over at Sweetie. "Want to watch cartoons?"
"YEAH!!" Sweetie exclaimed, the two jumping on the bed.
"I'm murdering on sunshine!" Tydal sang. "Whoo-o-oa! I'm murdering on sunshine... and don't it feel good!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"No donuts?" Shining asked Cadence, grabbing another bear claw and adding it to his plate. The hotel's banquet room was buzzing, filled with ponies, griffins, and the occasional camel loading up their plates with delicious breakfast foods.
The pink alicorn looked down at her plate, which was lined with sweet fruits and a small dipping bowl of honey. "I figure what with me turning into Cadence the Hutt it would be better to stick to some low-fat treats." Cadence playfully poked the white unicorn in the tummy. "You might want to consider that yourself."
"Hey!" Shining exclaimed. "There is nothing wrong with how I look."
"I love looking at your flank," Chrysalis said, licking her lips.
"Thanks... I think."
"There is nothing wrong with Shining," Tydal said glibly. "You are a big, beautiful stallion."
"...hate you so much."
"But I love you and your moobs," Tydal snarked.
"I love them too," Chrysalis purred.
"Me too!" Rarity said quickly, pressing up against the stallion. "Want to bury my face in them..."
Tydal glanced up at Sweetie Belle, who was sitting on his head, and smirked. The filly knew she looked like a baby riding around like that, but when the god of the sea asks if you want a ride you don't turn him down. "Tell me, what is the most sugary thing here your sister would never let you have?"
"The sticky buns!" Sweetie exclaimed.
Tydal nodded, making his way to the dessert table. "Then sticky buns for breakfast it is."
Rarity groaned. "Why? Why is he loading her up on sugar? She will be like a bumblebee all morning!" The mare let out a whimper when she watched Tydal levitate a gooey, sticky, frosting covered treat the size of Opal up to Sweetie Belle. The filly was giggling as she tried to snatch bites of the treat, the capricorn king playfully tugging it away.
"It's easy to forget our bloodthirsty brother is so kind hearted," Luna said, watching Tydal play with Sweetie Belle. Several other fillies and colts hurried over and soon the god of the sea was making it rain muffins to the delight of the children.
"Indeed," Celestia stated, looking down at her empty plate.
"Aren't you hungry?" Cadence asked, making her way to the table.
"I don't know... everything looks so good." Celestia sighed, taking a seat in hopes that she could figure out what she wanted to eat if she took a moment to rest.
"I know what I am getting," Chrysalis said, zeroing in on a couple on their honeymoon. "Excuse me!" She happily cantered over to them, eyes gleaming as she shoved between the two and began to slurp up the love pouring off the two of them.
"So undignified," Celestia said. "You would think a queen-"
"Those pancakes look good," Shining commented, his mouth half-filled with a glazed donut.
"PANCAKES!?!?" Celestia squealed, pushing ponies out of the way.
Tydal, who had moved over to a buffet table where a griffin chef was making bacon and sausage, glanced at Luna, worry in his eyes. "She doesn't still sing the pancake song, does she?"
"Pancake song?" Rarity asked. "What is the-"
Celestia happily trotted back to the table, a plate full of flapjacks piled high. "I love pancakes, I love pancakes, it makes me a happy Tia. Their so yummy in my tummy, nom nom nom nom nom!"
"...that was the creepiest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen my sister eat brownies," Shining commented, setting down the half eaten jelly donut he had been savoring. Celestia did not notice the stares she was getting, so consumed she was with devouring her pancakes, humming to herself with every bite.
"I'd think she would have grown out of it," Tydal said as he walked up to the table. his plate was so full it was a wonder it didn't shatter under the weight of all the food he'd ladled onto it.
"Sweetie Belle... what are you eating?" Rarity asked.
The ponies looked at the filly in horror. "TYDAL!" Shining shouted.
"Wot?" Tydal said, his mouth full of hash browns. Cadence brought over a pitcher of orange juice, which Tydal quickly drank down. "Sorry... what?"
"Why are you feeding Sweetie Belle bacon!?!?!"
"Because it is tasty, of course," Tydal said simply.
"She is a pony... she doesn't eat meat!" Shining exclaimed.
"I've eaten meat," Chrysalis said, her belly sticking out a bit from all the love she had ingested.
"You don't count," Shining complained.
Rarity watched in horror as Sweetie Belle happily accepted another piece of pork from the war god. "My... dear little sister... you do realize you are eating a pig, correct?"
"I am?" Sweetie said in surprise.
"Yes... bacon is made of pigs."
"It is?" Sweetie said, staring at the bacon. "Pigs... are yummy!"
"That's what I've always thought," Tydal said, before turning to Rarity. "I want to buy the child."
"Pardon?" Rarity asked.
"Sweetie Belle... I wish to purchase her and make her my own. How much gold will she cost?"
Cadence frowned. "Are you looking at one lump sum or by the pound? Rarity, you might want to charge the second way, as you'll make a bit more if you set the price right-"
"I am not selling my sister!" Rarity exclaimed.
Luna frowned. "Why not?" When Rarity just stared at her in horror the lunar mare pursed her lips. "So... you ponies no longer sell your family members? My, how the world has changed."
Tydal pulled a napkin over. "Now, I do not have access to my vaults at the moment, so we can set up an interest plan. I am also afraid that I do not have the time at the moment to convert her to a capricorn, so that will have to wait..."
"You can convert ponies into capricorns?" Shining asked in surprise.
"Yes... I tend not to do it, since most of your race annoys the piss right out of me, but it has been done."
Rairty shook her head. "My sister is not for sale!" With that, she turned her nose up and stomped away.
"...so, does that me she gave me up for free?" Sweetie asked, still chewing on the bacon.
Tydal smirked. "I believe so... we'll talk about your allowance later."
"Nom nom nom nom nom," Celestia grunted, still inhaling her flapjacks,
“Please be quiet.” Octavia trotting through the courtyard of Winterfell, nodding polite hellos to all ponies she remembered from her childhood. They had all gathered to see the eldest of the Stark foals come home.
“I’m just saying, I totally get why you are the way you are.” Vinyl walked up to a dower looking pony and waved her hoof in front of his face. “Seriously, look at this stallion! He alone explains why you are so serious and moody and why you aren’t into guys…”
“Excuse me?” the stallion said.
Vinyl grinned. “Come on, look at ya… I bet most mares go lez just looking at you!”
“I don’t know about that…” the stallion said, shuffling about.
“Married?”
The stallion shifted. “No. I dated one mare a few years back but she left to go run a pottery store with her old lacrosse partner.”
Octavia sighed. “I get it.”
“Wait… is that why my mother divorced my dad 2 seconds after I was born and moved in with Mama Joann?” The stallions eyes widened in horror. “No! No! Daddy was right, it was all my fault!”
Octavia shook her head in disgust, pushing Vinyl away from the now weeping stallion. “Would you please stop it! I begged you to behave!”
“And I am!” Vinyl stated. “I didn’t once make a joke about the smell or how I am pretty sure I am going to catch a VD just by standing out here.”
“Oh, this is such a lovely, magical place,” a red-maned pony proclaimed, trotting towards them. She was too old to be a filly yet too young to be a mare; stuck in-between. “But of course I dream of one day marrying the prince and having his babies and being his queen.”
“…who the hay is this idiot?” Vinyl hissed.
Octavia sighed. “My sister, Stupid Stark.”
“Stupid?” Vinyl asked.
“Yeah… I think my parents were psychic or something. When she was born she grabbed a scalpel and tried to eat it.” Octavia watched as her younger sister gazed about with cloudy eyes, dreaming of silly things.
“Oh, how I love Prince Jaggy.”
Vinyl frowned. “And who is Prince Jaggy?”
Stupid let out a happy sigh. “Oh, the most wonderful prince… see, he is playing with that bunny rabbit!”
Vinyl and Octavia turned and watched as a yellow teen pony gave said bunny rabbit a noogie while laughing, “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”
“I fail to see why I have to go on my own!” Tydal complained., stomping his hoof like a 2-year old.
“Tydal,” Luna said sweetly, “because of some silly idea you had nearly 2000 years ago, there is now a Dommsday Clock ticking down to when your army wages war on the entire planet.”
“I know that-“
“Literally!” Cadence said happily. “I even had one made up!” She pulled out of her saddle bag a large digital clock, which read 2 MONTHS, 29 DAYS, 12 HOURS, 38 MINUTES. “See! And when it reaches zero there will be blood!” Cadence reached over and snagged the frosty dessert Chrysalis was sucking on. “I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!”
“Hey!” Chrysalis complained, stealing back her treat. “Get your own!”
“Question,” Shining said, pointing at Sweetie Belle. “You have a soft spot for foals, fillies, colts, kids and any other little ones you can find.”
“Correct,” Tydal said. “They are cute and make me go d’awwww.”
“Then why would you include them in your Doomsday Scenerio?”
Tydal grimaced. “Well…”
~2000 Years Ago~
“Now this is nice,” Merida said, giving her a gentle smile from across the table. Two plates of pasta were set before them, along with two goblets and a flickering long stem candle.
“I told you I’d pull out all the stops for our anniversary,” Tydal said, using his magic to pour her some griffish wine.
“And you delivered. A battle against the perytons and now a candle-lit meal in Griffland’s finest restaurant… you are so getting lucky tonight.”
"WAAA! WAAAA!"
Tydal groaned, shutting his eyes. Merida's ears flicked in agitation as the unicorn foal screamed its head off, its parents not even paying attention as their 'little darling' flailed his arms and used his magic to fling his utensils about.
"Stupid, arrogant..." Tydal grumbled.
"Now now," Merida said gently, stroking his hoof. "The wee barin is just doing what comes natural."
"I know," Tydal said with a sigh, deflating as his anger bubbled out of him. "But those parents..."
“Forget about them and their barin.”
The sea god smiled. “Oh, I can’t stay made when you use those funny words of yours.”
Merida playfully growled. “Those words are my native tongue, my love.”
“And you know how thankful I am for that tongue of-“
SPLONK!
Tydal looked at the fork that had been imbedded in his forehead by the foal's accidently magic. "That's it!" He leapt out of his chair and stormed over to the self-absorbed parents. Tydal's horn glowed and their water glasses exploded, drenching them and finally getting their attention. "Your child is sobbing and impaling me with cutlery!"
"...you need to chill out."
The sea god's right eye began to twitch. "What?"
The mother of the foal nodded. "Totally... we read this book about how, like, you're supposed to let foals cry themselves out... it is called hands off parenting."
"If a book says it, it must be true," the father said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Tydal screamed, the rest of the patrons of the restaurant fleeing (a wise move they had all learned in High School during their ‘How to Survive Capricorns’ Class) as he summoned a tidal wave right in the middle of the dining room.
"Feel better?" Merida asked after a few minutes. The two of them were the only ones left in the restaurant, as even the staff had made a break for it.
"No," Tydal snarled. "Merida, I decree that if I ever die, it will most likely be because my brain exploded from being around stupid ponies. I want you to swear to avenge me!"
"And how should I do that?" Merida asked.
"After I am dead for 3 months, I want you and my army out in the world, murdering everything that isn’t a capricorn or family!"
“Even the foals?”
“Especially the foals!” Tydal roared as he ripped the fork from his forehead.
The queen grinned, nuzzling her husband's nose. "Oh, I love it when you talk of genocide!" She threw him onto their table. “Let’s do it here, right now!”
Tydal grinned and used his magic to pull her close to him…
~MC~MC~MC~
“Huh… so Cadence isn’t the only slut in the family,” Luna said.
"...so I'm good, right?" Chrysalis asked. "Family and all that?"
Tydal nodded. "Yes, Chrysalis."
"Well, even though I am covered, I would hate to see the world destroyed because that would mean no more Detrot Red Wings." Shining lowered his head, picturing a world where his beloved hockey team wasn't around. "So, while the rest of us try and figure out a way to get home-"
"And do some sightseeing!" Luna added.
"-you are going to use Rarity's ticket-"
"Wait, what?" the white unicorn exclaimed. "I didn't agree to that!"
"-to get back to Equestria and go inform your subjects you are alive. Then you can wire us the money so we can come home and sort this all out."
The god of the ocean pouted. "What if I stayed one extra day-"
"GO!" the group shouted at him.
"Fine, fine... but you better buy me a ton of souvenirs!"
"We have no money, remember?" Celestia called out to Tydal's retreating form.
"Bye new daddy!" Sweetie called out.
Rarity frowned. "Stop calling him that."
"Sorry old sister," Sweetie stated.
The fashionista grimaced. "Sweetie... never... call... me... old."
The white alicorn turned to the remaining members of the group, clearing her throat. "Now then, it might take Tydal a few days to get back to Equestria and wire us the money... so what shall we do to pass the time?" Her horn lit up and she pulled over a brochure that had been left on a cafe table. "Oh! There is a showing of paintings by Paint By Numbers at The Loafa!" Celestia grinned. "And there will be a lecture by Prof. Long Winded about what brush strokes tell us about the artist's feelings that day-"
"ACHOO!" Luna wiped her nose. "Sorry, I am allergic to boring things."
The older of the alicorns huffed. "And what do you want to do?"
"I am going to find a bookstore and see if they have the new Batstallion biography!"
Shining shook his head. "Princess, we keep telling you, Batstalliion isn't real! Those are graphic novels!"
"Nanananananana Batstallion!" Luna sang, happily trotting away.
"Nerd," Celestia muttered, before turning to smile at the rest of the group. "So, art exhibit?"
"Oh, thank you Shining Armor. You are so wonderful. Cadence, will you be coming?"
"Is the art erotic?"
"I.... suppose so," Celestia said.
"Count me in!"
Rarity nodded. "Sweetie Belle and I would love to come with you, Shining."
"We would?" Sweetie asked, only for her sister to flick her tail against the little filly's flank. "Ow!"
Chrysalis, sensing that Rarity was trying to hit on her stallion (even if he was technically Cadence's), quickly chimed in. "Of course I will be coming too! I might wish to obtain some of those paintings myself, once this is done."
"... do you mean you are going to buy them, or steal them?" Shining asked.
"You say potato, I say patato..."
"That doesn't answer my question..."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Batstallion, why can't you just admit you love Catmare?"
"Madam, are you planning to buy any of these books?" a clerk asked Luna.
The lunar princess tapped her chip. "I am still deciding... I need to read these to see if I will enjoy them."
"And the rest of the books that you've used to make yourself a little fort?" the clerk asked, gesturing at the pile of books she had gathered and used to fill up much of the reading space in the children’s section.
"...good fort-building material is so hard to find." Luna's horn glowed and a little cannon rolled over towards the clerk. "Now, please leave Fort Luna before I am forced to... well... use force."
~40 Seconds Later…~
“AAAAA!”
Luna flapped her wings, but it did little good as the clerks tossed her from the book store. Landing in a heap on the sidewalk, the lunar goddess turned towards the shop and shook her hoof in outrage. “I had a hat!”
After a moment a simple black cap flew through the air, Luna’s magic catching it and placing it on her head.
“I also had a bunch of books!”
Another few seconds went by before several bags of books were thrown to her.
“And your wallet!” Luna grinned when, after a moment of hesitation, a wallet was flung at her. She grabbed it and laughed. "Suckers!"
"Hey!" One of the clerks cried out, realizing they had been tricked. Luna giggled as she took flight, zooming through a tight alleyway in order to lose her pursuers.
"Who's bad? Who's bad?" She sang to herself. Setting herself down on the ground, Luna took a moment to go through the wallet. "Meh, not a lot but enough to help me kill a few hours."
"Bonjour." Luna whipped around, realizing that she wasn't alone in the alleyway. She light up her horn, ready to defend herself, only for her jaw to drop at the sight of the stranger. He was a tall stallion, nearly her height, with a charcoal-colored flank and a mane the color of pitch. He sported a long thin moustache and a little beard that he kept waxed and trimmed. His cutie mark as a bag of bits with a $ sign on it.
"...I didn't steal the wallet," Luna said quickly.
"Of course you did," the stallion said with a laugh. "I would not have come to speak with you if you hadn't."
"You aren't a cop, are ya?" Luna said suspiciously. "Because you have to tell me if you're a cop."
"Actually, a cop doesn't," the stallion told her.
"Really?" Luna blinked in surprise. "Wow, learn something new everyday."
"Indeed." The stallion bowed low, waving his foreleg in a complex gesture. "I am Sticky Hooves, master of the thieves’ guild here in Prance. Your show of cunning at the book store was quite impressive... though, I should have expected no less from a beauty such as yourself."
Luna cooed. "Oh, go on... seriously, keep complimenting me."
"I would be honored if you would join me. I am on my way to our headquarters and a lovely flower such as you would be always welcomed."
"Lead the way, fancy tongue."
"...no, my name is Sticky Hooves. Fancy Tongue is our countries most famous porn star. I admit that he and I look-"
"Hey Twilight?" Spike called out cautiously, entering the throne room. The normally empty room was filled with scrolls and parchments, making it nearly impossible to even tell where one was going. "You in here?" Spike picked up a scroll, looking it over. “The Camel Sutra? What is-HOLY COWS!”
“Spike?” Twilight called out.
The baby dragon quickly tucked the scroll in the pocket of his uniform. “Twilight, is that you?”
"Of course, Spike!" Twilight said happily, poking her head out from a stack of documents. She flapped her wings, sending several scrolls rolling away from her."What do you need?"
The baby dragon shifted, the steel helmet he wore (part of his uniform that noted him as the captain of Twilight's guard) sloped down so that it nearly covered one on his eyes. "Well, no pony has heard from you in a few days and we were getting worried that you had gone nuts and were building a doomsday weapon or something."
Twilight chuckled. "Oh Spike, you all worry too much! I have been busy researching Equestrian law."
“…can’t you just be building a doomsday weapon?” Spike pleaded.
“No Spike.” Twilight began to happily swim through the scrolls. “Why are you so worried, anyway?”
"Why?" Spike asked, confused. "You are a princess... you basically just stand around looking nice and making all the poor ponies jealous... and you might raise the sun and moon. If you are feeling really adventurous you and your capricorn brother will go off and hoof-punch some changelings. You don’t actually do anything."
"Spike Spike Spike Spike Spike... that might be how things were under Princess Celestia and Luna... but I for one want to do things differently."
“And by differently you mean completely the same, right?” the baby dragon asked hopefully.
“…no Spike.”
The baby dragon frowned. "Ok... but maybe you should focus on more pressing matters.”
“What could be more pressing then zoning laws?”
“I don’t know… maybe you could do something about the capricorns? They are setting up this Doomsday Clock near Manehattan and keep singing 'No more princesses or the slut, now we'll kill Twilight's firm butt'."
"They think my butt is firm?" Twilight glanced over at her rear. "How nice of them! I took up Pilates-"
"Twilight! Now is not the right time to think about your butt!" Spike exclaimed.
Twilight leveled a hard stare at her #1 Assistant.“It is ALWAYS the right time to think about my butt.”
"I think they are planning an invasion."
The princess shook her head. "Spike, there is no need to worry about that... when I get a moment I will come up with a plan to prevent that, if it comes to pass. But for now, I am working on improving so many other things... did you hear about my idea to triple revenue for the country?"
"Yeah, about that..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Fancy Pants frowned as he opened the door. "Yes?"
"HELLO!” Rollypolly exclaimed. It would have been threatening if the dalek wasn’t wearing a girl scout’s uniform. “BUY COOKIES!”
“Do you have any thin mints?”
“ONLY TRIFOILS!”
Across the street, Fancy Pant's neighbor let out a yelp. "Abner! Abner! A dalek is trying to sell cookies to Fancy Pants!"
"Gladys, would you stop over reacting!" the stallion complained from his armchair. "First you whined about Mrs. Stevens being a witch even though she was clearly an Earth pony, now this? Have you taken your medication?"
"Ha ha!" Wall Breaker laughed as he walked by the window. "References..."
Celestia murmured in approval as she walked around the Loafa, taking in the great works of the masters. Some of the world's finest art was located in the famous building, preserved for all time. It was protected by all manner of anti-theft deterrents and art lovers from all over the world were able to breathe a sigh of relief that such precious treasures would be safe from anything-
"Cadence, no!" Shining screamed, using his magic to pull the pink alicorn away from a painting of fruit she was pawing at.
-save, perhaps, from the whims of an alicorn.
"I wanted to do the Scratch-N-Sniff!" Cadence complained, trying to break free from Shining’s grasp.
"... I'm out!" Cadence exclaimed, throwing her hooves in the air. "These nudes aren't nearly interesting enough and if I can't scratch the paintings and then sniff them... then what is the point?" The love goddess lifted Sweetie Belle up and placed her on her back. "Come on, I am going to teach you how to pick up stallions."
“I’m not that strong,” Sweetie Belle stated.
“Oh, you will be,” Cadence said with a giggle. “You are never to young to learn the sacred art of slutitsu.”
Rarity frowned. "Princess, I would prefer-"
"Huh," Shining said, looking at a metal plate that was hung below an abstract sculpture, "according to this description, the artist believed that this piece would make two ponies fall in love just by staring at it."
Rarity was instantly at Shining's side. "How very interesting!"
The stallion glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "What about your sister?"
"What sister?" Rarity asked, 'accidently' bumping her rump against his.
Chrysalis rubbed up against Shining's other side. "You know, if you like this sculpture I could buy it for you, once we have access to our bank accounts. I'm rich, you know."
"You are?" Rarity asked. "I couldn't tell, what with that ratty mane style of yours."
"This is what is vogue," Chrysalis said with a sniff. She looked at Rarity like the white unicorn was some goo she’d stepped in. "You obviously wouldn't know what was hot if it burnt your nose... I can tell from that style your mane is... there are grannies that would look at that and think it was old fashioned."
"Well, when you save money by never taking baths, it is easy to pay for fancy mane-stylists!" Rarity shot back, pressing harder into Shining.
“This is just my natural musk! Unlike you I don’t need to bath in perfume to hide the smell of a rotting pu-“
"Can't... breathe!" Shining whimpered, eyes nearly popping out of their sockets as the mares pressed tighter against him.
"I see your family isn't enjoying the exhibit." A stallion moved over to talk to Celestia, flashing her a playful smile. He was maybe an inch or two shorter than the average stallion, but next to Celestia he looked like a dwarf pony. He had a poofy mane and wore an elaborate jacket, full of medals and ribbons that proclaimed his success in battle. What was most eye-catching about him was the fact that his coat was multishaded: his head and shoulders were a chocolate brown, his middle creamy white like vanilla frosting, and his flank and tail was a strawberry pink.
"A pity," Celestia said with a sigh, ignoring Shining’s sobs. "I so wish they would come to enjoy the arts as much as I do."
"One can do little to change the minds of fools... no offense."
"None taken."
"I am glad to hear that, Princess Celestia."
The sun goddess was surprised. "You know who I am?"
The stallion laughed at her shocked expression. "But of course! Only a fool wouldn't recognize you." The stallion placed his right foreleg inside the left flap of his jacket. "Pardon me for not introducing myself... I am Neapolitan Blowhard."
"The famous Prance commander?" Celestia said, raising an eyebrow in surprise.
"But of course!" the stallion said with a smile.
"The only citizen of Prance to actually WIN a battle instead of being brutally slaughtered or surrendering at the sight of an opponent?"
"...yes," Neapolitan said glumly, a bit of his boastful air pushed out of him.
"It is a pleasure to meet you," Celestia said, bowing her head so she could whisper in his ear. "And a pleasure to have a pony to discuss fine art with. I must admit I was afraid I was the only one in this museum that was enjoying the arts."
"Well, if you wish to see some lovely pieces, I have some at my private chateau. Would you care to accompany me?"
"I don't-"
"BLANK FLANK, BLANK FLANK!" Rarity screamed.
"At least my flank is all natural!" Chrysalis charged. "I've seen less plastic in a recycling plant!"
"Stay away from my Shining, whore!"
"He's mine, bitch!"
"Wait, what now?" Shining said. “I’m not-“
“BUTT OUT!” both of them screamed.
Celestia quickly turned from the feuding mares. "Let's go now, alright?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Explain to me again why I have to solve this cryptex?" Tydal said in annoyance. He glanced up at the arrival and departure board, wanting to get a move on before he missed his train. He had a long journey to the ocean and he was already grouchy over the fact that every other pony got to have fun in Prance while he had to go… even if he was leaving purely to stop a mass genocide he might have kinda sorta caused.
The security pony sighed. “It is an arcane law, sir. Now then, your passport?” Tydal rolled his eyes in annoyance as he pulled out the passport Chrysalis had made for him (turned out the changeling queen was an old-hoof at sneaking across borders). “Alright, Mr. Steve…huh? Your last name is Faust-Allen?”
“What of it?” Tydal grunted in annoyance. “My parents aren’t married so I have to hyphenate.”
“Right right. Have you solved your cryptex yet?”
Tydal smirked. “Well, I have-A MIME EATTING A BAEGETTE!” The guard turned around, only to whip back towards Tydal when he heard a smashing sound. “Opened!” Tydal said happily, handing the guard the broken cryptex.
“Good, now you just need to solve the anagram inside.”
“…I am growing more and more convinced that this is all just one big con.”
The guard laughed, stroking his pencil-thin mustache. “No no, sir! This is all part of our noble Prance tradition! This is no different than our love of black and white art films that make no sense or how we are required, when seeing a black cat with a white paint on her back that makes her look like a skunk, to rape her!”
“…say what now?”
“Rape!”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Why would you-“
“Rape is legal in Prance! It even says it on our flag.” The guard hurried over and grabbed the Prance flag, which depicted a skunk wearing, of all things, socks (yeah, that is weird, but when a pony does it all of you are drooling…perverts). Underneath the skunk were the words ‘Le viol est légal en Prance’.
“No, I get that… I mean why do you want to have sex with skunks.”
“…I… don’t… know. We have always done it! It is-“
“Tradition, yes yes.” Tydal sniffed. “You sleep skunks… that explains the smell. Now then, I’ll be on my-“
“You still need to solve the anagram, sir.”
The sea god rolled his eyes. “Fine.” Using his magic, he grabbed a pen and quickly scribbled a note. “There, can I go now?”
The guard frowned. “The answer to the anagram ‘So Dark the Con of Mare’ is not ‘I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!’.”
“Oh, but it is! Take a closer look. You’ll that when you move the letter S here, you-“ Tydal grabbed the guard’s head and smashed it against the security checkpoint terminal. “Police can’t (censored) with the Juggernaut…” Tydal sang as he trotted towards his train.
“No princesses or the slut, now I’ll kill Twilight’s firm butt!” Coral happily sang, trotting through the halls of her father’s Keep. The rest of the capricorns were buzzing about, preparing for the time of genocide when they would enact their king’s final revenge upon the world. Coral didn’t get why some of them were grumpy, however… she knew her father was perfectly fine. She had felt a pulse of his magic a few days ago and knew that the god of the sea had returned to his war-like ways. Misty and her mother thought it was just Coral wishing, but she knew her father was fine and that he would either come soon to stop the war… or not. Perhaps he had decided he wanted a war and he was on a sunny beach letting the clock tick down. If so, Coral hoped he brought her back a t-shirt.
The pink-haired capricorn giggled. All the subjects forgot that she was her father's heir, his eldest and co-favorite (along with Misty, of course). While her sister was close to their father, Coral and Tydal shared a bond and she KNEW her father was alive.
Coral used her magic to open the door to her room, happily skipping in. However, instead of the enchanted lights instantly popping on, the capricorn princess was greeted with darkness.
"Hi there!" Coral said happily, waving to the black stallion that was standing near her bed.
"How did you know I was here?" the stallion said in surprise, adjusting his long coat nervously.
"I'm a capricorn, silly billy!" Coral leapt onto her bed and began to bounce up and down. "We have night vision!"
"Oh... well, I will make a note of that in your file." The stallion reached for a folder, only for Coral to press her face to his. "Uh..."
"Why do you have an eyepatch on? Are you hiding something? Is it candy?" She grabbed the eyepatch and pulled it away. "AAAAAAAAAAA!" She fell back, the patch slapping the black stallion and causing him to stumble back. "That wasn't candy!"
"No, it wasn't," the stallion said in annoyance. "Now then... my name is Nicked Fury... I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 8: Neigh Day
"Wow," Luna said, looking around at all the thieves milling about the Guild's headquarters. "This is... nasty looking."
Sticky Hooves nodded. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
"What about Tatooine?"
"Where?"
"Huh?"
Sticky Hooves shook his head. "We are a dangerous sort, so I suggest that you stick close to me until-"
"Hey there, pretty mare," a clearly drunk thief slurred, grinding against the moon princess' flank. "Did you know rape is legal in Prance?"
Luna merely glared at him.
~Meanwhile...~
Tydal gave a full body shiver as he settled into his seat.
"Are you ok, sir?" the driver of the carriage called out. The last thing he wanted was for there to be a twitchy capricorn sitting behind him (back in the old days twitchy-capricorns had been the leading cause of death, right before gingivitis).
The war god smiled. "Oh yes... I just sensed my dear little princess use my old lessons to take care of a problem."
~MC~MC~MC~
"...and that is why you always treat a mare with dignity and respect," Luna said, licking the blood from her lips. "Not that you personally can use my lessons, since you're kinda dead..."
The other thieves nodded, hurrying to pull a chair out for her and get her a glass of wine. Two of them grabbed some violins they had stolen and began to play Luna a little ditty. The moon goddess nodded, the thieves falling over themselves in delight that the mare that had proven herself the most deadly was not seeking to bring judgement down upon them.
"Now then," Luna said, her magic grabbing her wine glass and bringing it to her lips, "what exactly is the purpose of this guild. Is it more of a loose collective that acts as a kind of gentlecolt's club where you can unwind and chat with others who have similar lifestyles as your own? Or are you actively banding together so that you might achieve grander and loftier goals while also coordinating your thefts so all get a piece of the pie?"
Sticky Hooves blinked. "The second one, actually."
"Ooooooo!" Luna squealed. "I love conspiracies! Lay it on me, lay it on me!"
"Monsieur Hooves, do you believe that it is a wise idea to let this one know our secrets?" Singalong, a thief who tended to pose as a bard, sang. His horn glowed as he strummed his lute to its own unique tune.
"Is it safe to deny me, after seeing what happened to your friend?" Luna kicked the corpse of the pony that had tried to have his way with her.
"... she brings up a good point," Sticky commented. He leaned forward, ignoring Singalong's glare, and whispered to Luna, "We proud ponies of Prance band together because of our dark ruler."
"It isn't King Sombra, is it?" Luna asked, sticking out her tongue in annoyance. "I hate that pony... all those stairs! It makes me feel like I am at the gym!"
"We only wish it was King Sombra," Sticky complained. "Our ruler is obsessed with modernizing! He wishes to drive away all the traditions and customs of Prance! It has been like this for years... we no longer feel as if the country we love exists!" Sticky sighed, tears gathering in his eyes. "It has gotten so horrible that I was forced to send my daughter Derpadella to your Equestria, so that she might avoid this life!" He lowered his head in shame. "Only now, I learn she is married to a stallion with a Trottingham accent..."
“So we overthrow him,” Luna said simply, trotting over to closet and using her magic to begin rummaging through the stolen clothing.
“Say what now?” Sticky said in surprise, snapping out of his despair. He watched as Luna grabbed a white dress shirt, a black skirt, and a tan vest and began to get dressed. “What do you mean, overthrow him?”
“Exactly what I said is what I mean!” Luna said happily, snagging the belt of the stallion who had tried to rape her. She slipped it around her waist, checking over the knives that were attached to it. “If that monster is oppressing you then you should fight back!” She smirked. “Don’t worry, I have experience in this.”
“You do?” Singalong asked.
“Of course… and this time I WON’T try and bring about eternal night!”
“…what?”
“So, who is the ruler pony?” Luna asked, already drawing up plans for a barricade.
Sticky shifted uneasily. “Well, his name is-“
~MC~MC~MC~
“Nuts, hot salty huts!” Wall Breaker exclaimed happily, grabbing the bag of treats from the vendor.
“Why did you announce that out loud?” Logic Point asked, wondering if it hadn’t been a mistake to join Breaker for a stroll around the Canterlot Fair Grounds on their day off.
“Oh, well I am doing the Austin Powers bit, where one pony began a statement and I finished it… only, instead of saying the name the audience expected, I talked about nuts.”
“…sometimes I am worried you have brain damage.” Logic leaned down to take a bite from his bag, only to gasp. “Hot! Hot hot hot!”
“Of course they are! You need to cool them down by blowing on them. Come on-“
~MC~MC~MC~
“Blowhard!” Celestia exclaimed in joy, happily trotting around the general’s halls, eyes lighting up as she took in his collection of fine paintings. “This is truly amazing!”
“It is, isn’t it?” the short stallion said, a touch of sadness in his voice. “I wish the rest of Prance could see things as you do.”
Celestia frowned, trotting away from the painting and sitting down next to the moping Neapolitan. “What’s wrong, my little pony? Are you sad that the only thing your country is known for is cheese and cowards?”
“No,” Neapolitan said with a sigh.
“Because you are, you know that, right? You are only known for those two things.”
“Yes, but that isn’t why I am upset,” Blowhard stated in mild annoyance. “I am depressed because I look at all this and realize that my citizens fail to see the wonder in all of this.”
“Why don’t you show them?” Celestia asked. “Present them with these works and let them revel in their beauty.”
Blowhard shook his head. “Nay.”
“…are you saying no or did you just whiny?”
“I don’t even know anymore!” Blowhard exclaimed. He got up and began to pace. “I just don’t know what to do! I mean, there are all these thieves around Prance who steal the great artwork!”
“Why would they do that?” Celestia asked.
“Because they want to hang onto the past. They refuse to move forward and see that we are living in a new, bright age! They let their fear govern them and they drag the rest of the country down with them!” Blowhard lowered his head sadly. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“Kill’em.”
“Yes, we could-WHA?!?!”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, I say you kill them. Nip this in the bud!” She stood up, her horn glowing as she called forth a sword and shield form the wall. “I allowed my sister to fall into darkness once and it only caused me pain and grief. If I had moved quicker and stopped her little rebelling sooner, I might have saved her from a life on the moon.” Celestia shrugged. “Also, I am bored as heck, so I figure a nice war will do well to kill the time.”
“What?!?”
“I was raised by a war god and I use to be a gladiator,” Celestia said, examining her sword to make sure it was sharp. “That gave me some pretty twisted views on the world… like it is ok to treat ponies as pawns in a giant, world-size game of chess which is purely designed to elevate a single lavender mare to alicorn status so we can shower together in a totally not-creepy way!”
“…what?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Shining’s horn glowed as he pressed the icepack to his flank as he stepped into the hotel lobby. Chrysalis and Rarity had pressed up to him so hard at the museum that they had left several bruises on his flank. The stallion didn’t quite know why they had done that and frankly he didn’t want to try to guess. The museum had been boring and Cadence was off with Sweetie Belle, teaching her how to pick up stallions… all of this equaled one annoyed soldier.
And he was about to get even more annoyed.
“Excuse me, Mr. Armor?” a clerk called out, racing after him. “Sir, we need to talk.”
“About what?” Shining grunted.
“About your bill.”
“Miss Rarity already paid for the room…”
“But she didn’t pay for the 37 adult films that were ordered last night. We still need to settle that account.”
Shining groaned, eyes shut. “She told me she was just channel surfing…”
“Sir?”
“Sorry just… wondering how my wife managed to watch 37 pornos.” The stallion blinked suddenly. “Uh… this might be a bad time to mention I don’t have any bits-“
“Don’t worry sir,” the clerk said with a grin, pulling out a maid’s outfit. “We have a way for you to work off your debt.”
“…the capricorn that was part of my group can never know about this… agreed?”
“Agreed.”
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal sighed as he looked out the window, the lights of Prance growing smaller as the carriage rumbled away from the great city. Already he was missing his sisters (and even Shining, if he was honest). They had just gotten back together and already they were separated…
“Do you know what we do in Prance when we are depressed, sir?” the pony pulling the carriage called out. “We sing!”
Tydal glared at him. “I do not sing.”
“Well… if you want to, it is fine with me.”
“Right,” Tydal muttered, idly running his hoof along the cushion he sat on. “I… suppose one little song…”
Tydal One day more Another panic, more hysteria This never-ending road to Equestria; Every second makes the danger loom If I don’t return all face doom. One day more!
Rarity (clutching a photo of Shining as she sits in a Prance park) I did not live until today. Until I saw his gorgeous face
Tydal One day more.
Rarity and Chrysalis (not realizing the other is singing or is only a few yards away) With Cadence not in the way As Shining’s bride I’ll take her place!
Shining (dressed as a maid, annoyed, scrubbing a toilet) One more day all on my own.
RARITY AND CHRYSALIS Shining will fall in love with me!
Shining Forced to clean up while they all party.
RARITY AND CHRYSALIS Shining will be my love!
Shining Still, Cadence is the best I’ve ever known.
RARITY AND CHRYSALIS It was destined from above!
Shining She is the only mare for me!
Luna (in her Thief Garb, on top of the Guild’s hideout, staring at Blowhard’s chateau) One more day before the storm!
Singalong I can’t believe you’re doing this
Luna At the barricades of freedom.
Singalong Seriously, we picked this song?
Luna When our ranks begin to form
Singalong It is so overhyped!
Luna Will you take your place with me?
The Thieves The time is now, the day is here!
TYDAL One day more!
Celestia (dressed in military garb, marching amongst Neopolitian’s soldiers) One more day to revolution, We will nip it in the bud! We’ll be ready for these thieves! They will wet themselves with blood!
TYDAL One day more!
Cadence and Sweetie Belle (trotting through a bar) Watch 'em run amuck, Date'em as they fall, Never know your luck When there's a free for all, Here a little `dip' There a little `duck' They are all so sexy So we’ll all go have a…pluck!
Thieves (2 Groups) 1: One day to a new beginning
2: Raise the flag of freedom high!
1: Every mare will be a queen!
2: Every mare will be a queen!
1: There's a new world for the winning
2: There's a new world to be won
ALL THIEVES Do you hear the ponies sing?
Singalong That’s it, I’m out, you all truly suck!
TYDAL One day more!
RARITY AND CHRYSALIS I did not live until today.
Celestia Shining I will join these ponies' heroes One more day all on my own! I will follow where they go
I will learn their little Secrets, RARITY AND CHRYSALIS I will know the things they know. I will be Shining’s loving bride!
TYDAL One day more!
RARITY AND CHRYSALISCelestia Cadence is long out of the way! One more day to revolution
We will nip it in the bud Shining We'll be ready for these ponies Cadence Cadence is sure the best Watch 'em run amok
Now they take their falls RARITY AND CHRYSALIS Never know your luck Shining and I were destined for each other Don’t forget to lick the-
TYDAL Tomorrow I'll be far away, Tomorrow is the judgment day
ALL Tomorrow we'll discover What defender2222 has in store! One more dawn One more day One day more!
Shining Armor sighed, resting his cheek on his hoof. He was seated in the hotel's breakroom, his maid's uniform rumpled and wrinkly. "Just... tired, Lumiere." He reached over and pulled his coffee closer, taking a sip. There were heavy bags under his eyes and it looked like he had gone 15 rounds with Snowflake (aka the 'YEAH!' Pony). "Very, very tired."
Lumiere looked at him as if he were crazy. "How can you be tired when you are in Prance! This is the city of lights and magic and body odor that makes it clear that none of us shower!"
"I'm tired because I can't actually enjoy the city!" Shining snapped. "I am too busy cleaning all these hotel rooms to pay off my wife's porn-per-view bill!"
"You are still married? I thought you got divorced."
Shining smirked. "Well, it is a funny story, you see-"
"Never mind, I decided I don't care."
Shining took another long draw from his coffee, scowling. "The point is that all this work is messing with my mind... i think the toilet cleaning chemicals are making me hallucinate!"
"And why do you think that, Shining?" Lumiere asked.
"Because you are a candlestick holder!"
The gold candlestick holder merely shrugged. "And you do not think it is possible that I could be alive? You live in a world where your sister adopted a baby dalek..."
"Point conceded," Shining muttered. "Sorry, it's just... I am cleaning all these rooms and Rarity and Chrysalis keep giving me funny looks-"
"-funny looks? What are you, gay?"
"-and Cadence is busy teaching Sweetie Belle how to use sex as a weapon..." Shining complained. "I just-"
"Shining," Rarity said, trotting into the breakroom, Chrysalis fast on her heels. "We have decided that we are just going to share you... why are you talking to that candlestick?"
"Because-" Shining turned and saw that 'Lumiere' was a completely normal and ordinary candlestick holder, with no face or anything, "-nothing." The stallion lowered his head in defeat.
"Well... we'll let you continue with that," Rarity said. "Bye lover!"
Shining, choosing to ignore the whole ‘lover’ thing, glared at the door the two had left through. “I am totally sane! Totally!”
"I believe you, Shining," the evil muffin said, fluttering around his head.
"I thought Derpy ate you."
"We came up with a better deal."
~A Day Earlier...~
"There they are!" The evil muffin said from his perch on Derpy's back, pointing at a small village in the middle of the forest clearing. "I told you they would be here!"
2 MONTHS, 28 DAYS, 10 HOURS, 22 MINUTES till DOOMSDAY
“So… how do we do this?” Luna asked, standing on top of the barricade she and the other thieves had built in the middle of Prance’s capital. They had managed to do it in just a day thanks to Luna’s magic and a quick stop at Barricade Depot (those ponies in the orange aprons had been a HUGE help). They had managed to quickly gets some cannons as well as a few other surprises for the military force that was marching towards them.
“What do you mean?” Sticky Hooves asked.
“How do we start up the battle?” Luna asked, practically bouncing up and down in glee. She was still dressed in her ‘thief’ outfit, though she had added a few old fashion flintlock pistols (not for shoot… pistols were used for cracking nuts and hammering nails when a hammer wasn’t available and one’s head wasn’t dense enough to complete the job).
“I do not-“
Luna began to canter along the barricade. “Do you thieves had a standard pithy statement you shout out before battle? ‘Molon labe’ was a favorite of some of the capricorn generals that use to babysit me… my brother preferred ‘So you’ve chosen death’. I used to cackle and mock but that was when I was evil and I am not anymore…” Luna got an annoyed look on her face, which one might have thought was regret…
“Oh, I see,” Sticky said happily. “Yes, we do have a tradition… we sick the National Anthem of Prance!”
“Wonderful!” Luna exclaimed. “What are the lyrics?”
“There are none… you see, we don’t… really have an anthem.”
“Huh?”
Sticky puffed his chest out. “But that doesn’t stop us from doing it anyway! Boys!” Several thieves leapt up and joined him on top of the barricade.
Sticky and the Thieves
Prance doesn’t have an anthem We thought we had one But we don’t!
We paid some minotaur to write it but then he was hit by a bus
The tune is all that we have So we just make up words that fit
We never have won a battle So we have no victories to sing
Oh Prance… we’re going to die! Oh Prance… we’re going to die!
Luna frowned once the thieves were done singing. “Well… that was depressing beyond measure.”
“Thank you!” Sticky said. “Now then, we can drink some wine and eat some stinky cheese before-“ A bugle call filled the air. “Never mind, the soldiers are here. Every pony, have you decided on how you want your body found?”
“I want to be found draped over the barricade with half my jaw missing!” a little colt thief said happily.
“And if you believe in yourself that will happen!” Sticky said in glee.
“… what… the... (censored),” Luna snapped. When the thieves looked at her in confusion the princess sighed. “Thank my Mother you have a nice butt.”
“Huh?” Sticky said.
“Nevermind.” Luna gestured at the street below them. “You and your thieves should not be expecting to die.”
“But we will… Prance always loses. It is even in our anthem!” The thief’s eyes lit up. “Want to hear it again?”
“NO!” Luna said in horror. “Ok… ok… I am going to say this in small, easy to understand words, so try and follow me: if you are facing an army of Prance soldiers… who also never win… that means one of you HAS to win.”
“…oh!” Sticky said, nodding his head quickly. “Of course! How silly of me!”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia and Blowhard stopped in front of the soldiers, inspecting the ranks. Each one was in a fresh, pressed uniform, their faces hard and their eyes steely. They stood shoulder to shoulder, legs stiff and heads held high and proud.
“Very nice, Neapolitan, very nice,” Celestia said. “You have done well to create your army.”
“Thank you my lady,” General Blowhard declared. “I have worked hard to teach them how to march properly and present a united front to all that see them.”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, that is very good. It is nice to see your soldiers are well trained. That will help in the battle to come.”
“Indeed,” Blowhard said happily. “Stallions! How do we take care of rebels?”
“Tickle them!” the stern soldiers declared.
Celestia stared at them before shutting her eyes. “You didn’t teach them to fight, did you?”
“Of course I did!” Blowhard exclaimed. “I taught them to fight in all manner of ways… tickle fights, slap wars, skipping-“
Celestia waved him off, marching towards the barricade. “This will be disappointing.”
“Soldiers of Prance!” Luna called out from the barricade. “Surrender now or I will destroy you!”
“Check that,” Celestia said with a slight smirk. “This is going to be very fun!” She took several steps forward and looked up at her sister. “Luna, what are you doing up there?”
“I am helping these dirty criminals win their freedom from this oppressive regime!” Luna declared. “And what of you?”
“I am helping this oppressive regime rid the streets of those dirty criminals!”
“Uh, we are standing right here,” Sticky Hooves called out, only to get shushed.
"So, why exactly are you siding with the criminals that are robbing this proud country blind?" Celestia asked, horn glowing as she pulled out her sword and began to polish it (it isn't nearly as dirty as it sounds).
"I am siding with them because they are attempting to bring equality to this land of imbalance. Your commander friend is oppressing these ponies, telling them what they can and can't do and trying to remove their way of life!"
"They... are... thieves," Celestia said slowly.
"Thieves who rob from the rich and give to the poor." Luna turned towards Sticky Hooves. "You do that, right?"
"Well, if you think that we are poor then yes, yes we do!" Sticky said proudly.
"They are very noble!" Luna declared. "Unlike your General Blowhard! He is only concerned with his own visions and does not bother to communicate with his subjects!"
"He communicates!" Celestia shot back. "He sends out notes with the tax collectors apologizing for taking all their money!"
"What's going on?" Rarity asked, her and Chrysalis trotting up to Cadence. The pink mare was lying on a chaste lounge (they have those instead of park benches in Prance... also, they have orgies instead of parks), being fed grapes by a muscular stallion as she watched the two princesses bicker.
"I think they are going to fight," Cadence said.
"I thought we had a truce," Sweetie Belle said, lying on her own little chaste lounge while a colt fed her gummy bears.
"No, you just said that when you saw this all going down. Saying things doesn't make them happen... I can't just wish for Shining to decide to get into roleplay-"
"I can't believe you spilled all the Windex!" Shining shouted at the Evil Muffin, "Now I have to buy more and... what the?". He was still in his maid's uniform and was in a foul mood.
"...huh," Cadence said. "Apparently I am a witch."
"Do you weight as much as a duck?" Sweetie asked.
Before any of them could say a word, Luna's voice rang out loud and clear. "Oh yeah? Well your mama's so ugly they press her face into dough to make gorilla cookies!"
"We have the same mother!" Celestia reminded her sister. "And your mama's so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck!"
Luna huffed. "I believe it is time the two of us settled just who is right and who is wrong!" Luna flew down, using her magic to drag the thieves with her (which kinda defeated the whole purpose of a barricade). "Let us see who the true goddess of war is!"
The armies shuffled uneasily.
"What are they waiting for?" Rarity whispered.
"A spark," Shining said softly. "A spark to drive them into a frenzy. As long as no pony says anything-"
"JERRY LEWIS SUCKS!" the evil muffin shouted.
Both groups shouted in rage, assuming the other had said that.
"Attack!" Celestia roared, the royal army charging at the thieves.
"AAAAAA!" Luna screamed, racing at her sister.
"Stop it!" Sticky shouted, slapping Blowhard weakling. "Stop it you brute!"
"You stop first!" Blowhard whined, using his tail to tickle Sticky's side.
"This is just pathetic," Chrysalis stated. "I should have invaded this country first."
"Why didn't you?" Rarity asked.
"Because I hate frogs legs."
"I can make the battle better!" Cadence squealed, using her horn to rip off the roof of a pillow factory. She rained the fluffy pillows upon the two armies, the fighters quickly grabbing the new weapons and striking each other. "Yeah, that's it... that's it you dirty sluts!" Cadence screamed. "Hit harder! Harder! Now kiss each other!"
"Your powers are weak, old girl!" Luna taunted, her glowing horn clashing with Celestia's. "When we last met I was but the learner, now I am the... non-learner... pony... thing!"
"I'd say if you struck me down I would become more powerful but you are too pathetic to ever get in a blow!" Celestia snapped. The two sisters growled, pressing their horns against each other-
BOOM!
Both armies, the princesses, Chrysalis, Rarity, Shining, Sweetie and Cadence all blinked in surprise at the object that had fallen from the sky.
"Well, well, well," Tydal said coolly, brushing the dust from his tail. "What do we have here?"
'Fountain to my right... they will expect that, so we need to go a different route. Old pipes running under the street, feeding water to nearby homes. First, shatter pipes and direct spray at thieves to my right. Next, slam hooves down to compromise road's stability, removing soldiers from equation. Rush princesses... dodge solar blast. Strike right flank... then knock Luna off her feet. Latch onto Celestia's horn... drive it into ground. Spin to avoid shadow magic shot. Strike other flank. Catch by ears and finish with dual water blast at rising leaders. In conclusion: both armies defeated, Celestia and Luna neutralized... status as the one TRUE god of war... secured.'
Tydal thought of all this in the blink of an eye. His horns glowed and Luna and Celestia turned, bracing for a blast of water from the nearby fountain. But instead of getting a face full of water, they instead let out twin yelps when Tydal called on the water following under their hooves. The thieves cried out as they were hit, the blast knocking them out cold as they hit their barricade.
"One," Tydal muttered as he slammed his hooves onto the road. The asphalt cracked and crumbed as the now shattered pipes gave in, sending Blowhard and his soldiers tumbling into a sinkhole. "Two." Tydal didn't even bother to watch this happen; he used the strike as a launch point, leaping at Celestia. The solar princess, reacting on instinct, firing a blast of magic at him, only for the capricorn to twist out of the way at the last second and land beside her. His left leg struck out and Celestia cried when he spanked her across the flank.
"Wait-" Luna called out, but Tydal had already dropped and used his tail to sweep her leg like she was Daniel-San. Tydal darted up and grabbed Celestia's horn, forcing the magical bone into the ground, causing the white mare to thrash as she tried to free herself. "Tydal, we were only-" Tydal turned and Luna, startling her. Luna gasped and fired off her own blast of magic, which Tydal dodged as he struck her on the flank, spanking her.
Celestia, finally pulling her horn free, looked at him in surprise as his horns glowed. The sisters squealed like foals as their brother used his magic to grab their ears and twist them slightly, making them buck and tremble as they tried to free themselves, falling to their knees. Tydal's eyes flashed and the fountain shot off two water blasts that knocked Blowhard and Sticky off their hooves.
"Well, that was anticlimactic," Shining said.
"I was waiting for Scootaloo to show up with her eagles," Cadence stated.
"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT FIGHTING?!?" Tydal roared, the alicorn sisters whimpering as he freed them from his hold.
"Not... not to fight against one another," Luna said dutifully. "But we were just playin'!"
"It didn't look like playing," Tydal growled, casting an annoyed look at the two. "Explain to me why I suddenly had to race back here when I felt you two trading blows... something I have taught you two to NEVER do." The goddesses, as powerful and mature as they were, stuck out their lower lips and sucked back tears at the sight of their brother/adopted father's angry face. "Now then, we are going to go in that cafe and we are going to discuss what you two were bickering about and how you should have PROPERLY handled it."
"Can... can we get ice cream?" Luna asked, sniffing back tears. When Tydal raised an eyebrow at that Luna did her best to look pitiful. "We are really sorry and you always give treats if we are sorry!"
"Pwease?" Celestia whimpered, doing her best foal impression.
Tydal rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "If you PROMISE to behave... fine."
"Yay!" the two mares exclaimed, their tears and bickering forgotten as they happily cantered towards the cafe.
The capricorn king turned back towards the rest of his group. "I suppose you want ice cream too?"
"With butterscotch!" Chrysalis said happily.
“And whipped cream!” the evil muffin squealed. “EVIL whipped cream!”
The Doctor huffed, lips pursed in annoyance. Derpy didn't even pay him the slightest of attention, focused solely on her copy of 'Modern Pony Weekly' (in this week's issue: 49 Ways to Drive Your Stallion Wild... hint, all of them involve his happy place). It was a beautiful summer day and Derpy was going to enjoy it. Her mail route had been completed before lunch and Dinky had gone with Pip and Ruby Punch officially get accredited as the Cutie Marker Brigade (so much better than the CMCs).
"What is the Doctor complaining about?" Mary Sue asked, trotting over to the empty lawn chair next to Derpy and taking a seat. Her horn glowed as she brought over two daiquiris. She watched as the Doctor paced in front of them, clearly deep in thought.
"It is his turn to mow the lawn and he keeps trying to find ways to get out of it," Derpy stated.
The Doctor huffed. "It is unbefitting a Time Lord to 'mow the lawn'."
"Does being a Time Lord give you the magical power to make the grass stop growing?" Mary asked. When the Doctor shook his head the black alicorn shrugged. "Then I guess you are screwed."
The Doctor glared at the old-fashion push mower that sat near him, silently taunting him. "Are you sure this contraption isn't the Master in disguise?"
"Yes," Derpy said.
"How do you know?"
"Because the Master is over there," Derpy said, pointing to the house next door, where a blonde maned, black coated earth pony was waving his hoof at the Doctor in mocking anger.
"Yes, look at the mighty Doctor! You are so whipped!"
"Frank!" The Master lowered his head as Colgate stormed over. "I told you to prune the hedges 10 minutes ago!"
"Yes dear..." The Master said weakly, trudging off the work.
"See?" Derpy stated. "Even your arch nemesis has to do lawn work!"
"I can't believe you are the voice of reason here," Mary Sue stated.
"When it comes to a mowed lawn I am VERY serious."
The Doctor, however, was no longer paying attention. "Ah, I think I just had a brainstorm!" He hurried over to the Tardis and began to throw all different pieces of technology out. "Where is it... yes!" The Time Lord happily cantered out of his Tardis, a red and white ball in his mouth. "I knew I still had this!"
Mary frowned. "What is that?"
"A few years back the old girl and I took a wrong turn and we ended up in this strange land called Sinnoh. The citizens there devised technology that allowed them to enslave animals and make them do their bidding! Very interesting and all that and after I had to leave I kept a few for myself." The Doctor threw the ball down. "Charizard, I choose you!"
Mary and Derpy let out twin yelps as a massive orange dragon appeared from the beam of energy that shot out of the ball. The beast flapped his wings, his tail (which was lit up like a pilot light) thrashed as he looked around for his opponent.
"Charizard, I want you to mow the lawn!" The Doctor said happily.
Derpy and Mary looked at each other, then the annoyed dragon. "Well, this is going to end badly."
~Ten minutes later…~
“See?” The Doctor said, watching as the pokemon pushed the mower around. “Told you it would work.”
“…you do realize you lucked out on that one, right?” Mary complained.
"We we last left out heroes they had been in the middle of a gang war between two groups of ponies-"
"Plotdump, what the hell are you doing here?" Tydal said in annoyance, glaring at the pony. It was a nice summer day and the capricorn had been enjoying the walk until the annoying stallion had suddenly popped up.
"I go wherever the narrative takes me!" the narrator stated.
Luna's horn flashed and she dumped the stallion in a nearby lake. "There, that is taken care of."
"So... explain to me again what exactly you did to get Blowhard and Sticky Hooves to stop fighting?" Shining asked, shifting his saddle bags.
Tydal smirked. "I merely politely, and calmly, reminded them that if they didn't stop behaving like morons I would be forced to invade their country and brutally slaughter them all."
Celestia sighed. "The ironic thing is that taking the time to tell them about your plans to slaughter them meant we missed the last train out of Prance and now there is less time to get you back to your throne and prevent slaughter."
Cadence giggled as she skipped along. "On the plus side, I taught Sweetie Belle the perfect way to earn money from grown stallions." She gave them all a saucy wink. “Oh yes… she is quite the ‘performer’…”
~Meanwhile, on the last train leaving Prance...~
"Moon river..." Sweetie Belle sang, Rarity trotting along the aisle of the train car, collecting donations from weeping stallions.
~Back at the plot...~
"Well, I for one am glad the her sister, the white little slut, is gone." Chrysalis tossed her mane over her shoulder and fluttered her eyelashes at Shining. "Leaves just the two of us."
"And everyone else," Shining stated happily.
"Right... right..." Chrysalis grinned. "Hey, why don't everypony except for Shining and me race ahead?"
"Ok!" Cadence said happily, only for Luna to stop her. "Aw, but she said-"
"Trust me... you want to stick around."
"...okey dokey!"
Celestia looked up at the sky. "This is truly a wonderful day, isn't it? The birds singing, the sun shining-"
"The sudden feeling of dread," Tydal said, eyes widening in fear. He began to look around for a hiding place.
"Well, I don't know about-"
BOOM!
The group was thrown back, a cloud of dust consuming them. Shining threw up a protection orb to try and keep the dust out but the air was thick with it. Chrysalis quickly turned into an air purifier, removing the soot and allowing them all to breathe.
"What the heck was that?" Luna complained, trying to peer through the cloud of dust.
Celestia frowned. "I sense something... a presence I haven't felt since... aw crap."
"MY BABIES!"
Shining's bubble shattered as a white alicorn leapt at them, wrapping her arms around the four goddess and the one god and squeezing them tight. Shining stepped back in shock, taking in the red-haired alicorn as she swung the fivesome back and forth.
"Look at you! Oh, I've missed you all so much!"
"Maybe you shouldn't have abandoned us," Luna said with a huff, finally managing to squirm away.
"This is why I don't go to the family reunions!" Chrysalis complained, turning into a hummingbird and darting out of the large alicorn's grasp.
"What the hell is going on?!?" Shining shouted in annoyance.
Celestia coughed, forcing the larger alicorn to let her go, leaving a fuming Tydal and a giggling Cadence in the hug. "Captain Armor, may I present Tau Sunflare, otherwise known as The Creator-"
"Otherwise known as our mother," Tydal finished as Shining instantly fell to his belly in supplication. "Mom, please set me down!"
"Aw, you are so cute, Tydal!" Tau kissed the capricorn, who squirmed in a vain attempt to free himself. 'And Cadence, have you missed me?"
"The only memory I have of you is when you abandoned me... so you are no different than the mailmare in my opinion,” Cadence stated simply.
Chrysalis frowned. "Then why are you smiling?"
"I love the mail mare!" Cadence squealed, hugging her mother.
Tydal, giving up his fight to free himself, crossed his arms over his chest and let out a snort. "Mother, why are you here?"
"I just wanted to see my babies!" Tau's horn glowed and she summoned a brush so she could comb Cadence's hair.
"I thought you saw plenty of us when you dumped us off on the welcome mats of other family members,” Tydal grunted.
Tau Sunflare laughed at her 4th eldest. "I didn't abandon you, did I? Raised you up since you were a little baby." She looked down at him and her smile grew even bigger. "You know, you look just like you did when you were only a few months old..."
"Please don't tell baby stories!" Tydal whined.
"Please do," Shining said with a smirk.
"I swear, I will gut you like a-"
Tau cut him off. "Baby stories? Why not... I remember when Tydal first met his brother and sister..."
~Thousands of Years Ago...~
"Mother, are you here?"
Zeena trotted into the golden palace her mother called home, her brother Fuzzy fast on her heels. The zebra and the griffin had gotten a summons by their mother, asking (aka DEMANDING) they come home at once. All about her Zeena could hear the beautiful strums of phantom harps and brilliant light streamed through the windows onto the dappled floor.
"This had better be good," Fuzzy complained, reaching up to tug on his goatee. He had left his battle helm and sword at the door (as his mother was always complaining about him bringing weapons in the house) and his adrenaline was thrumming through his veins; he'd left a hard fought battle against some blast-ended skrewts and he was desperate to get back to the slaughter. The lousy nerdy skrewts had DARED to complain that they were scholars and not fighters and now Fuzzy was making them pay.
Oh, how he hated peaceful scholars (coughforeshadowingcough).
"You can return to your battle whenever you wish, baby brother," Zeena said sharply. "If anyone should be annoyed it is me; I was in the middle of a wonderful conquest when the summons came."
"And by conquest you mean getting humped by anything that moves," Discord called out from where he sat, thumbing through a magazine. He adjusted his reading glasses and licking his finger, turning the page. "And you shouldn't be calling him that."
"Thank you!" Fuzzy exclaimed. "Even our brother agrees that you should stop calling me that silly nickname."
"Oh, I am not saying she should stop taunting you, Fuzzy-wuzzy," Discord said, snapping his fingers and sending his magazine back to wherever it had come. "It is merely incorrect to call you her baby brother."
"And why is that?" Zeena asked.
"Because you have a new baby brother," Tau said happily, entering the room.
"Mother... I see you are something strange again."
The white goddess grinned, doing a little turn like she was on the catwalk. "Manticore... I felt like dressing casual."
"Indeed," Fuzzy stated, rolling his eyes; he had long gotten use to his mother changing forms. "So, where is the squirmy little bundle of fluff?"
Tau smiled, leading them towards a side room. Entering, Zeena and Fuzzy looked about the nursery. It was gone up in a seafoam green with traces of blue. The walls had happy fish painted on them and there were stuffed teddy bears all over. It would have been quite cute, if not for the steel crate sitting where the crib should have been.
"Mother... what..." Zeena began, only to be shushed by the goddess.
"Come here..." she whispered, leading them to the crate. "Meet your baby brother-"
"RAWR!"
The three leapt back as a small... something leapt at the bars, trying to bite through them. Tau merely smiled and opened the crate, using her magic to pick up the roaring little creature. The front half of his body was gray, his ears twitching against his stubby horns and a frown on his face. His rear (from little they could see that wasn’t covered by a diaper) was covered in scales and instead of a normal goat tail he had a long fish tail.
"-Tydal," Tau said with a grin, the baby glaring at his brothers and sister, forelegs crossed over his chest in annoyance.
"I am so glad you were able to come, Professor Fuzzy Thinker."
The bearded griffin smiled at Twilight, giving her a low bow. There weren’t many ponies in the throne room that day but the old griffin didn’t mind in the slightest. "Of course, Princess... it has been too long since I have visited Equestria. I only wish my sisters were here."
Twilight smiled, shifting slightly as she tried to find some what to make the royal throne a bit more comfy on the rump ('oh, if only my flank weren't so firm!' she thought). "Yes, but as I said earlier, they went to go get cigarettes... they are certainly NOT dead!"
"Yes... quite," Fuzzy said, his eyes twinkling. "Now then, I need-"
"Not dead!" Twilight reiterated.
"-ok then. Now, as I was saying, I need to go do some things in my bedroom with the door locked… which is NOT masturbating."
"Right," Twilight said.
"...not masturbating."
"Not dead."
"Agreed. So, I would like you to keep an eye on my young apprentice." Fuzzy turned to Hairy Grabber. "Be mindful of the Princess, Hairy."
"Yes, Professor," Hairy said, watching as Fuzzy strolled out of the room, his robes nearly getting caught in the closing door. "You do know he is going to go pleasure himself, right?"
"But he said he wasn't," Twilight complained.
"He is, though."
"Gross," Twilight muttered, motioning for the guards to leave her with the griffish wizard. "At least you don't have to share a room with him."
"Thank Starswirl for that!" Hairy said. "Do you know that on the entire boat ride here he kept asking to take a bloody shower with me!"
"...you mean bloody as in a curse or bloody as in the water was made of blood?"
"The curse."
Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh my goodness... my mentor does the same thing to me!"
Hairy laughed. "Does she give you all these crazy tasks and not give you all the information you need?"
"YES!" Twilight exclaimed, leaping off the throne and trotting around Hairy. "Does your mentor pit you against super powerful villains and refuse to let you use deadly force."
"All the time!" Hairy exclaimed. "And you know what I hate?"
"Let's say it at the same time!" Twilight said with a huge grin. "Three... two... one..."
"I hate it when my mentor lets me worry about something that isn't that important and seems to get sick joy out of me worrying!" both of them said.
Hairy shook his head. "And... and I thought I was the only one!"
"Me too!" Twilight exclaimed, staring at Hairy directly.
Hairy looked at her, a dopey grin on his face. "Well... it is good to know there is somegriff out there like me... suffering."
"Yeah," Twilight said, moving closer. "Maybe we can be great friends!" She paused. "Or we can just do it right here on Celestia's throne."
"Works for me!" Hairy said, tackling her. “Now Draco can’t call me a virgin ever again!”
Neither noticed Fluttershy staring at them through one of the windows, her face a mask of lust, rage, and lust again.
"So," Shining said, a smirk on his face, "a crate, huh?"
"It wasn't a crate!" Tydal complained, still caught in his mother's hug. "It was a crib... top of the line. Unlike your country bumpkin folks, my mother can afford the finer things in life."
Chrysalis frowned. "Maybe I am missing something here, but in my hive that would be called a crate... or a cage."
"A crib is basically a cage for babies," Luna stated. “And we feed them with bottles like we do hamsters… babies are basically hamsters.”
Celestia glanced at her sister. “Yes… if you ignore them for three days, they die.”
“Oh, you are never going to let me live that down!”
"It wasn't a crate or a cage!" Tydal snapped. "Yes, it was made of steel and had bars and a padlock..." He turned to look at his mother, realization dawning upon his features. "You put me in a crate?"
"You kept chewing through the slats of your crib," Tau stated.
"Is that why Merida laughed at me when I complained about Coral and Misty's cribs not have lids?!?!" He shook his head in shock. "WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN A CRATE!?!"
"You have to ask?" Shining asked.
"I WILL GUT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
The unicorn merely laughed louder and longer. "Maybe we should crate you right now!"
"AAAAARRRRRHHHH!!" Tydal roared, Celestia and Luna holding him back.
"You can't fight!" Cadence whined. "I don't have any oil for you two to rub all over your hot, sexy bodies!"
Chrysalis looked at Shining, licking her lips. “By all means, wait until she gets the oil.”
Tau shook her head. "Tydal, sit down." The capricorn instantly took a seat, though he still glared daggers at Shining. "Now then, let me get back to my story..."
~Thousands of years ago...~
"Why does he look like that?" Zeena said, staring at her baby brother.
Tau shrugged, setting Tydal on the ground. "Well, after the success I had with Fuzzy I decided that I wanted to create a creature that could go on the land and the sea. I think I am going to call him a capricorn." She reached over and pinched Tydal's cheek.
Tydal merely glared at her, forelegs crossed over his chest.
"No, I mean why hasn't he smiled yet."
Tau frowned. "Yeah... not quite sure what is up with that. He just kinda glares at everyone and threatens them."
"Threatens them?" the current war god and future scholar god asked.
"Ba ba ba ba ba!" Tydal exclaimed, pointing at Fuzzy before drawing his hoof across his throat.
"That means 'I love you!'," Tau said happily. "Or 'I am going to slit your throat... I'm not sure which."
"I have a theory..." Discord stated. He leaned down, pressing his face to Tydal's. "Come on now, baby brother... why so serious?"
Tydal glowered, before reaching over and grabbing one of Discord's teeth. "Ba!" he snapped, tugging and ripping it out of the draconequus' mouth.
"AAAA!" Discord cried out, cupping his face as blood gushed down. "Not my tooth! My precious modeling career!"
Tau tapped her paw in annoyance, glaring at Tydal as he inspecting his prize. "Tydal! Bad baby!"
The capricorn looked at the tooth, then his mother, then promptly burst into tears.
"Aw, it's ok, baby, it's ok!" Tau patted her little kid on the head. Tydal merely screamed even louder, eyes screwed up as he wailed, forelegs flailing. Tau turned towards Discord, Zeena and Fuzzy and sighed. "Can you watch him while I go get some popsicles? We are all out and those always calm him down."
“Him?!?” Discord exclaimed. “I am the one that is bleeding!”
“He’s just a baby,” Tau reasoned. “He doesn’t know any better. Now, I want you three to watch him and bond with him.”
The zebra goddess frowned. "Uh, I don't-"
"Thank you Zeena!" Tau lifted her paw up and snapped her fingers, disappearing in a shower of light. The moment she was gone Tydal blinked, his wails cut off and his eyes instantly drying.
"Did... did he just trick our mother?" Zeena asked, looking down at her baby brother. Tydal merely stared at her, head tilted to one side.
"Well, the joke is on you, baby brother," Discord said, snatching his tooth back. "Without mother her to protect you, I think it is time I play a game I just created called 'Tydal Ball'." The chaos god grinned, reaching down to snatch up the capricorn and punt him into the next county.
Discord blinked when he found his hands empty.
"What the-"
Tydal, who had leapt from Discord's grasp, scurried out of the room as fast as his little legs could carry him.
"Should we go after him?" Zeena asked.
"Who cares?" Fuzzy stated. "What trouble could he-"
Tydal leapt back into the room, a steak knife clenched between his teeth. Discord's eyes widened as Tydal jumped onto him, the baby's little hooves grabbing the knife and plunging it into the chaos god's left side. "AAAAAAA!" Tydal merely began to saw away at Discord's wing, grunting as he did so. "Get it off!! Get it off!"
Fuzzy reached over, knocking the knife away. He grabbed Tydal by the scruff of the neck, the baby thrashing in annoyance as he tried to escape. "Hey! As much as I find our brother in pain to be funny, you shouldn't-" The griffin's retort was cut off... along with part of his beard.
"His... his tail..." Zeena said nervously. Tydal looked down at his tail, swinging it once more and cutting Fuzzy on the cheek. The capricorn baby looked back at his tail, watching as a droplet of blood fell from it.
"Heeheehee," the baby giggled, flashing them a toothless grin.
"He's smiling!" Fuzzy shouted in shock.
"Maybe it is a good sign?" Zeena said weakly.
"BA!" Tydal screamed, trying to cut off Fuzzy's beak.
"RUN!" Discord screamed, the three adults dropping Tydal and rushing out of the room. The baby capricorn giggled and chased after them, his tail occasionally lashing out and cutting up the walls and furniture. "In here!" Discord shouted, opening up a broom closet. The three hurried inside, shutting it just as Tydal turned the corner. They heard his little hoof-falls as he darted past them, babbling as he did so.
"Are... are we safe?" Zeena asked.
"I... I think we are," Discord said, lighting a match.
"Ba ba ba!" Tydal said from a shelf behind them. He leaned in and blew out the match.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" The three gods burst out of the closet, Tydal snorting as he tried to keep up.
"In here!" Zeena shouted, ripping open a door and pushing her brothers into the pool room. Discord snapped his fingers, creating a small boat, which the three of them hurriedly leapt into. "Don't worry... mother said she made him to not be able to handle water."
Fuzzy blinked. "...she said she built him TO LIVE IN WATER!"
"I'm pretty sure I remember what our mother said," Zeena snapped. She turned her head and let out a huff.
"Do you ever tired of being wrong!" Discord wailed, backing away from the edges of the boat. They watched the little fin circle around them, cutting through the water with ease. "This isn't how I wanted to die!"
"How did you want to die?" Fuzzy asked., clinging to his big brother.
"On a big pile of money surrounded by many sexy ladies," Discord bemoaned.
Zeena frowned. "Really? I thought you wanted to die by being turned into a statue."
"Why would you think-"
"RAWR!"
The three gods screamed as Tydal leapt from the water, forelegs stretched out...
...only to do a belly flop several feet away from them.
"What the?" Fuzzy asked, watching as Tydal popped back up, his little face scrunched up in confusion. "What happened?"
"His diaper!" Zeena said with a laugh, watching as Tydal tried to leap up again, only to do another belly flop. "Its water logged and dragging him down!"
"HA!" Discord laughed. "See, that's why you fail, baby brother! We don't have to-"
Tydal ripped off his diaper and threw it at Discord.
"Aw crap," Fuzzy muttered as Tydal began to circle them again, much faster this time. The capricorn cut through the water with acute agility. The three gods trembled as he dove under, gaining speed. Tydal let out another roar and leapt at them and the three gods shut their eyes.
Seconds ticked by and nothing happened.
Finally, Zeena opened her eyes and found Tydal floating near her, happily sucking on a popsicle. Tau grinned from where she stood at the edge of the pool, her horn glowing as she rocked her baby back and forth.
"I think he likes the red ones because they look like blood," Tau said, drawing Tydal over to her. The baby didn't even pay attention, as he was too busy sucking on his treat. "Discord... why is there a diaper on your face?"
~MC~MC~MC~
The rest of the group stared at Tydal as Tau finished her story.
"What?" Tydal said in annoyance. "None of you tried to kill your family as infants?"
“That explains so much and yet so little,” Shining stated.
"I"m so glad you ponies invited me to join your Pet Club!"
Applejack gave Queen Merida a weak smile. She, along with Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, were standing with the sea goddess in the middle of the Ponyville Park, watching as their animals played with each other. It was a bright and sunny day, with only a few clouds in the sky (which were, if you squinted just right, in the shape of those two old man muppets) and everyone in Ponyville was out enjoying the warm day. "Of course, darlin'... and you bein' here ain't have nothing ta do with the fact that ya'll capricorns are thinking about killin' all of us."
"Good, because there is no 'think' about it," Merida said, leaning down to pet Applejack's down Wynonna. "My husband was very clear on how we are supposed to deal with all of you." The queen let out a laugh. "Wait till you see how we desecrate Cloudsdale!" She smiled, scratching Wynonna behind the ears. "Wait till you see it, wait till you see it!" she cooed.
"Er... ok," Rainbow Dash said slowly. "So... I've never seen something like... your pet."
Merida beamed. "He is Tydal's." She picked up the golden lobster and gave him a hug. "We call him Mr. Snippy."
"Isn't he the lobster that castrated all those stallions?" Pinkie Pie asked, tossing Gummy up in the air and catching him.
"To be fair he also castrated some mares." Merida looked at the girls and grinned. "You want to see how?"
"NO!" They all shouted.
Mr Snippy looked at them, his eyes shining with tears as he clicked his claws together.
"Well... maybe we could see it done once..." Fluttershy said. "But only on a stallion because they are gross and their junk is gross and I am not at all in love with Twilight."
"But who should we use?" Rainbow asked.
"Excuse me, wealthy pony coming through," Filthy Rich said, nose stuck up in the air as he trotted by. He bumped into Merida and continued on, not even bothering to apologize.
Mr. Snippy looked up at Merida and she smiled. "May the force be with you."
The lobster happily clicked his claws.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 12: Safe Drop
~A couple decades ago...~
"Look at him, Honey," Night Light said, waving his hoof in front of his newborn son's face. "He is just so beautiful."
"That he is," Twilight Velvet said gently, cradling the precious foal. "Perfect in every way."
"Actually, he isn't," the Doctor Nick 'n Tuck said sadly, stepping into the room. "Hi everypony."
"Hi Doctor Nick!"
"I am afraid I have bad news."
"Bad news? Is it bad?" Night Light asked.
"...yes. I am afraid your son was born with a stick up his rear."
"No... no!" Velvet cried in horror. "You're lying!"
"I wish I was, Miss. I wish I was. But I am afraid that stick is lodged firmly in his sphincter."
"You cheated on me, didn't you?" Night light screamed. "No child of mine would have a stick up his butt!"
Doctor Nick motioned for them to settle down. "Don't worry, there is hope! If Shining is mocked, routinely and repeatedly, the stick may become dislodged."
"You... you don't want us to mock him, do you?" Velvet asked.
"Oh no," the doctor laughed. "You will be too busy dealing with the fact that his future sibling will overshadow him. We had a volunteer to do the mocking."
"'sup?" Tydal asked, trotting into the room.
"That didn't happen."
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal frowned. "Yes it did."
"How?" Shining complained. Tau Sunflare, Chrysalis, Luna and Celestia were all looking at him, while Cadence was amusing herself with a pinwheel (don’t ask where she got it). "You were a statue when I was born!"
"I think I know my own life, Shining," Tydal stated.
Tau Sunflare reached over and smooshed Cadence's cheeks together. "Well, that was... strange. And how is my little Beyonce Kickass?"
"Good!" Cadence managed to get out through her squished mouth. "I'm on three sex offender registeries!"
Tau glanced at Shining. "Why would she-"
"She thinks it’s like having a wedding registry."
"I could use a new toaster!" Cadence said happily. "But don't buy it from a school... the government ponies say I'm not allowed within 500 feet of a school."
Tau gave Celestia a cold look. "So... what the hell did you do to the sweet little foal I gave you-"
"Who was supposed to be a replacement for me!" Luna grumped.
"-that made her into this?"
"I'm not a 'this'!" Cadence complained. "I am an alicorn and a princess and a nympho and a potential rapist (depending on your definition of the word "Stop it, stop it, that doesn't go in there Cadence!") and a babysitter and...”
Celestia glared back at her mother. "Hey! It’s not like I have a lot of experience with babies! You didn't leave me an instruction manual or anything, so I had to figure this all out myself..."
~20 some odd years ago...~
Celestia looked down at the little pink foal her mother had left/abandoned. The little filly, known as Beyonce Kickass according to their mother, was gumming her hoof happily, babbling to herself.
"... I'm gonna call you Cadence." The baby just blinked at her. "You like cheesecake?"
Cadence promptly fell over.
Celestia lifted Cadence up, the pink alicorn blinking and flapping her wings. "Alright, so let’s set some ground rules." Celestia trotted back into the castle, Cadence hanging just to the right of her head. The foal had given up gumming her hoof and was now trying to grab Celestia's mane. "Day and night must last roughly the same time. You are not allowed to grow fangs. When I am watching my soap operas you are to only interrupt if a better soap opera is on. Understand?"
"Sqeee?" Cadence cooed.
"Good, I am glad we have an agreement." Celestia opened the door to her study and set Cadence down on the table. The foal looked about, blinking her big, colorful eyes at all the new shiny things in front of her, a smile blooming on her face. "Philomena!"
\You bellowed?\ the phoenix said dryly, gliding over and setting down near the newest arrival. \While I appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid I can't eat this baby; I'm on a diet\
Celestia frowned. "I didn't bring her for you to eat."
\...you really shouldn't eat her. She is all fatty.\ The phoenix nudged Cadence, earning a giggle from the foal. \See? Nothing but empty calories. Now, some baby carrots? That might-\
"She isn't for eating," Celestia said in annoyance. "My mother left her with me... she said she is my replacement goldfish for Luna."
\Is this one going to go insane too?\ The phoenix laughed. \What am I saying... look at the family!\
"I am not insane," Celestia said with a dainty sniff, ignoring the insults of the immortal firebird that she could only understand.
Her guards, Wall Breaker the 3rd and Sharp Slash, sent each other a look. Breaker lifted up his hoof and made the international sign for 'crazy', earning a snort of laughter from his partner.
\So you're mother dumped her on ya, huh?\ Philomena inspected Cadence carefully, sticking her wing out when the foal made to grab a beaker Celestia had left out. \The fire station closes at five.\
"What does that have to do with anything?" Celestia asked.
The fire bird shrugged. \Well, you can only Safe Drop her during business hours.\
"I am not going to safe drop my niece."
\Sister,\ Philomena reminded her.
Celestia shook her head. "Nah, I think I'll call her my niece... that way when Luna comes back-"
\Swearing bloody vengeance upon you\
"-she won't be jealous."
\Isn't being jealous kinda Nightmare Moon's thing?\
"If you have a grease fire do you dump gasoline on it?"
\Point taken,\ Philomena conceded. \And speaking of fires, let's get a move on to that fire station!\
"Again, not safe dropping my niece." Celestia turned away from Cadence and Philomena and rummaged through her bookcase. "You act like I've never raised a foal before... are you forgetting about my kids... and grandkids?"
Philomena snorted. \The maids raised them, not you. You'll be lucky if they recognize you as family\
"And that's why I want to try my hoof at raising Cadence," Celestia said. "Now let me find that book on foal-rearing."
"She's going to rearend the foal!" Sharp Slash hissed.
"Hilariously derailing one-liner," Wall Breaker stated (feel free to insert your own joke, kids!)
\The fire station closes at 5\
"I AM NOT SAFE DROPPING HER!" Celestia shouted.
\I meant we should call them, since she just set your tail on fire.\
Celestia looked over at Cadence, who was holding a lit bunsen burner, watching in glee as Celestia's tail began to smoke.
"OOOO!" the baby cooed.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Celestia ran about the library, the thrashing of her tail only causing it to burn hotter. The solar goddess reached over and grabbed a bucket, splashing it all over her tail.
It was then that she noticed it was labeled GASOLINE.
"And we just had this conversa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"Squee!" Cadence laughed, clapping her hooves as Celestia burst into flames.
\Not as fun as it looks, huh!\ Philamena said, floating over and using her magic to dose the flames. The ruler of Equestria blinked her blackened eyes, wondering what had happened.
FRRRREEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF!
Sharp Slash and Wall Breaker grimaced, lowering their fire extinguishers. Celestia merely looked at them all before shaking the foam from her body.
\Maybe we should Safe Drop YOU at the fire station,\ Philomena said.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What is with this family and trying to kill each other?" Luna asked.
"What indeed?" Celestia asked, giving Luna a cool stare. The moon goddess blushed.
"Well, this has been fun," Tau said, flapping her wings "But I need to go and hit the craps table at Los Pegasus-"
"Mother, there is one last thing," Tydal said.
"Yes?" Tau said.
"Shining Armor is a part of this family now... it is time he be elevated to godhood."
"What?!?" Shining said in shock.
"What?!?!" the alicorns sisters exclaimed.
Chrysalis leaned toward Cadence. "If this were a bad fanfic, there would be a big TO BE CONTINUED at this point."
"This isn't a bad fan fic?" Cadence said in surprise.
"Now, I am sure you are all wondering why you are here," Doctor Freudian Slip said, looking over the top of his little spectacles at the group before him. They were gathered in a small rec center in east Fillydelphia (born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my… oops, sorry, wrong story). "Each one of you is clearly a monstrous villain that needs to be reformed."
"Even me?" Pip said, raising his hoof.
"Especially you," Dr. Slip stated, allowing a bit of disgust to color his words before he regained control of himself. "Now, let us go around the room and state who we are and what we do."
A stallion dressed in blue and white space armor stood up, his spikey black mane nearly poking the eye out of the pony sitting next to him. "I am Prince Vegggie Eatta. I work as a mercenary for an intergalatic space tyrant who destroyed my planet."
“And I am Nappa Valley!” A huge bald stallion next to him proclaimed. “I am hilarious and you will rip off my jokes and claim them as your own.”
Slip nodded. “Next?"
A clown pony stood up, his green hair slicked back against his white forehead (though other than his face, he was purple). "I am Killing Joke... did I ever tell you how I got these scars?"
"Isn't the better question 'why do you feel the need to point out your scars'?" Slip asked.
Killing Joke sniffed, tears gathering in his eyes. "Because I am just so lonely...and when I was five my Uncle Bubbles touched my no-no place!" The stallion let out a wail and a pony wearing a blue and silver (he was the one with a cobra as his cutie mark) hugged him as he cried.
"Good, good... see, we are making progress. Now then, what about you, miss."
"I am Princess Misty and in a few weeks my entire race is going to wipe all of you out."
Dr. Slip shook his head sadly, his horn glowing as he brought up his clipboard. He looked at the capricorn princess and nodded. "Misty, don't you think that this is all just an over-reaction to the death of your father?"
"Yup," Misty said. "Still going to kill you."
"Uh... why?"
"To create a plot device that will give the series of events that are occurring to the main cast a sense of weight," Wall Breaker said, poking his head into the room. "I really don't see the problem here... we know it is an empty threat because this is a parody series and even if they do try and do it I bet they do something unexpected"
"Pretty much," Misty said with a smirk. When Dr. Slip looked at her, she shrugged. "You didn't think we were going to go running in, tails swinging and chopping you all up, did you? Where is the flair? Where is the style to that?"
"But... uh..."
"By the way, your time is up," Wall Breaker said. "We have pottery class in here at 3."
"Oh, is pottery in here too?" Misty asked, the moody capricorn suddenly smiling. "I signed up for that class too!"
"Neat!" the royal guard said, trotting over to the princess and sticking out his hoof. "Wall Breaker the 4th."
"Princess Misty." The princess and the guard sat down as the rest of the class came in, forcing the villains out. "Thanks for the help back there, by the way."
"No problem... would you like to begin a romantic subplot with me that will run through these cold opens? We have a clear Sam-Diane thing, what with us being opposites... you are a grim capricorn warrior and I am the goofy running joke..."
Misty shrugged her shoulders. "If that meant getting some coffee after class, then sure."
"Neat."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 13: Godhood for Beginners
"Shining Armor," Tau Sunflare intoned, her voice seeming to boom out from all directions. The stallion looked about the country road, which had suddenly grown dark and foreboding. He couldn't find his mother-in-law anywhere, yet her magic could be felt all around him. "You have been selected as a potential candidate for godhood. Who speaks for him?"
"I do," Tydal said, stepping forward. Shining did a double take; Tydal was dressed in a dark black robe, the hood hung over his eyes. On the back his crest, a tidal wave, was emblazoned for all to see.
"So be it," Tau stated calmly. "And who will act as the judges?"
"We will," Cadence said, stepping forth with Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis. Each one was also wearing a black robe, their cutie marks stitched in the back.
"Then we shall begin the initiation of Shining Armor. These tests are designed to ensure that you are worthy of the mighty gift you wish for. They will test your strength and intelligence in ways you cannot possibly imagine. We start with the most sacred of challenges: The Night of a Thousand Paddles!"
"Wait, what?" Shining said in confusion as Celestia used her magic to make a table appear. The stallion yelped as he was forced over it. "Hey, what are you-"
WHACK!
"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!" Shining screamed. "Cadence!" he shouted, turning to glare at his wife, who was holding a large paddle.
"Sorry, sweetie, but rules are rules."
"I don't care abo-"
WHACK!
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"The fun has been doubled!" Luna declared, playfully waved her paddle like a baseball bat before striking Shining again. Behind her Chrysalis and Celestia were lined up for their turns.
"STOP THAT!" Shining screamed.
"Mmm... I love that flank all red and tender," Chrysalis purred. She struck Shining, the stallion crying out as the other mares happily bounced up and down and laughed.
~Several Hours Later....~
"More ice?" Tydal asked, holding out a bucket.
"I'm good," Shining said with a pleased groan, sinking a bit deeper into the kiddie pool Tydal had called forth and filled with ice. "I'm surprised you weren't lining up to give me some whacks."
"I am your sponsor, Shining; it is my duty to see that you remain motivated. It wouldn't do if my motivation consisted of beating you." The capricorn rubbed his chin. "Unless you get off on that, then I could-"
"I'm good," Shining said, rubbing his tender rear in the ice. "You know, when you are nice like this it is easy to forget that you commanded your subjects to brutally murder us all."
"I know!" Tydal said, surprised himself. "It's almost as if we were stuck in some sort of parody series and my actions were merely a comedic episode that, due to there being no reference of how I normally behave, makes the events of the last few weeks appear quite horrific."
"...have you ever met a pony named Wall Breaker?"
"Once. I slammed a door in his face. Why?"
"Just curious."
Tydal's horns glowed and he grabbed a bottle of aspirin. Off in the distance he could hear the girls giggling and plotting and knew it would only mean pain for Shining. "Listen... there is something I could do to help. I can use my magic to unlock your latent magic. I will draw out all the hidden strength that is within you and allow you to tap into it. It isn't even close to being a god, but it will help."
"Well... I guess anything would be better than nothing."
Nodding his head, the old king placed his horns against Shining's (it isn't as dirty as it sounds) and sent a blast of magic into the stallion.
"...I don't feel any different," Shining stated, looking at his hooves.
"There wasn't that much."
"... I'm basically the Yamcha of this group, aren't I?"
"I don't know what this Yamcha is, but it sounds disappointing."
"Oh boys!" Luna called out. "We're ready!"
The two stallions glanced at each other. "Maybe it won't be that bad?" Shining whimpered.
~Ten Minutes Later...~
"-begins the second test," Tau intoned. "The test... of pole dancing!"
Shining tried to cover himself as he was pulled onto the makeshift stage. He was dressed in a sparkly red speedo and his body had been coated with oil. "I... I don't know if I like this..." Shining said.
"TAKE IT OFF!" Celestia screamed, waving some bits at him.
"Shake your flank, baby!" Luna called out before taking another shot of hard cider.
Shining whimpered and began to grind against the stripper pool.
"This will replace the whale in my nightmares," Tydal muttered in disgust.
"Shut up and hoot!" Chrysalis yelled at him, before letting out a cheer.
"That's it... shake your flank for bits, you filthy slut!" Cadence roared. "DANCE FOR MAMA!"
"Make it rain!" Tau cried out, throwing her bits into the air. Sadly, she failed to take into account that Equestria's currency was in little gold bars and thus 'making it rain' was more like 'making it hail deadly little shards of metal'. Shining screamed and ran away from the 'rain', even as the mares whistled and issued catcalls.
~Two Hours Later...~
"This is the Kobayashi Maru," Celestia stated. Somehow, during the time that Tydal had been bandaging Shining's wounds and trying to prevent him from developing PTSD, the goddesses had created, of all things, a spaceship simulator. Shining was now dressed in a gold uniform, sitting in a fancy chair, staring at a computer screen that showed a small boat, bobbing in the ocean. “It accidently sailed out of Equestrian waters and now the perytons are attacking it. If you enter their space it will be seen as an act of war. If you don’t, the Maru’s crew will die. How do you proceed?”
Shining leaned forward. “Ms. Luna, open a hailing frequency.” Luna nodded and did just that and Shining smiled. “Perytons… let me introduce my first mate, Lord Tydal. He would like you to leave the Maru alone. If you don’t… well, he won’t be happy.”
The capricorn king grinned, adjusting the blue shirt he was wearing. “’sup.”
“…fine, you pass,” Celestia muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
“You have passed the trials, Shining Armor,” Tau informed him.
“Thank the… er… gods,” Shining mumbled, rubbing his still sore backside. “So… what-“
The stallion let out a gasp, Tau firing a bolt of magic into him.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” he shouted.
“Sorry, but that is the only way to give you the power to boost you up.” Shining looked behind him and frowned, seeing no wings on his back. “Sorry, it will take a while for your body to evolve into your godly form. On the plus side, you are at least immortal.”
“I could test it out to make sure that’s true,” Tydal offered, swinging his tail.
“I’m good.” Shining turned to Tau. “So… what exactly am I the god of?”
Tau pulled out a large wheel, like one would find on a game show. “Let us check the Wheel of Godlyhood!” She spun said wheel and watched as different options ticked by. “Wheel of Godlyhood, turn turn turn, show us the powers Shining should learn. Ok… number 3.14159.” Tau consulted her Big Book O’ Gods. “Ok… so according to this you are the god of the dawn.”
“Why am I the dawn?” Shining said in confusion.
“Well, you do tend to wake up early,” Luna stated. “Both as a soldier and as the mother hen of this group.”
“And your sister is the goddess of dusk, so it makes sense…” Celestia said. “Kind of a yin-yang thing.”
“And you love doing it in the morning!” Cadence said with glee.
“Indeed,” Chrysalis said with a naughty smile.
Shining accepted this with a sigh. “Alright… let’s see if I got any dawny powers.” His horn sparked and magic poured out of him, the others ooohing and awwwwing as, with a burst of magic… he summoned a plate of bacon. “What the?”
“Huh… so I guess being the god of the dawn means you are the god of breakfast,” Tau said.
“That explains the Evil Muffin,” Chrysalis stated.
“Hey!” Tydal said with a grin. “I knew it would be worth speaking for you!” He rubbed his hooves together and summoned a knife and fork. “Mind making me some pancakes? I could go for a Grand Slam right now.”
“… so I am basically the god of Denny’s?” Shining said, shoulders slumped.
“At the moment. I’m sure you’ll figure out other things… but for now, enjoy!” Tau spread her wings. “I’m off to play Skee ball with Mr. T! See ya!”
“Bye mom!” Cadence called out, chasing after her. “I love you! Come back soon! Bye! Bye!”
“Cadence, no!” Celestia called out. “Get back here! Bad alicorn!”
“Hey Shining!” Chyralis called out, digging into the bacon with Tydal. “Can we get some maple syrup over here?”
Through the Looking Glass (And What Shining Saw There)
The man known as defender2222 sat at the computer in his company's conference room, a peanut butter sandwich within reach as he typed away at the keyboard. He wasn't on a working lunch, the conference room just happened to be the coolest place at the store and even though the weather had cooled slightly from its 90 degree inferno that had baked Southern Michigan the last few days, it was still rather hot and any relief was welcomed. The added bonus was that none of his employees could see him hiding in there during his lunch, allowing him a few minutes of peace to work on the next chapter of his Harry Potter/Pokemon crossover story.
'Alright, so I already know that what the first obstacle is... what should I do in place of the Devil's Snare?' he thought to himself as he took a drink of Pepsi. ‘Tangla is a bit on the nose, I think-‘
"defender2222..."
The writer turned, looking up in confusion as clouds suddenly began forming overhead (which was weird because he was friggin’ inside), taking the shape of a regal looking lion. "Mufasa?"
"defender... you've forgotten me."
"Uh.... maybe? I don't know, I mean it has been a while since I watched The Lion King-"
"You've forgotten who you are and so forgotten me."
defender2222 frowned. "What are you talking about? I know exactly who I am! I am a manager and a writer and I do a webcomic on the side. I also think I might be insane… but then there is that whole Catch 22 thing that if I think I am insane then I can’t be insane-"
"Look inside yourself... you are more than what you have become!"
Glaring at the lion, defender2222 waved his index finger at the mystical clouds. "How about you try telling me something useful instead of this cryptic bullshit!"
"You have abandoned The God Squad... you must return to your story. It is your destiny."
"My destiny is to write about Cadence being a nympho?"
"Yes."
"(censored)."
"Sorry."
defender2222 scratched his chin. "But Mufasa... geez, this is strange... I am working on other things! My Harry Potter, Pokémon Master series is getting a lot of attention-"
"Does it have a TVtrope page?"
"Er... not yet, but I am sure-"
"You must take your place in the Circle of Life!"
defender2222 raised an eyebrow. "Really? Are you trying to tell me that the Circle of Life has Parody Writers?"
"Of course," Mufasa stated dryly. "Life's a laugh and Death's a joke, it’s true."
"... you stole that from Monty Python!"
"Who were parody writers, please keep up."
"Sorry."
Mufasa nodded. "By all means, continue writing your Harry Potter story... but return to The God Squad, defender2222. It is where you truly belong."
"What about The Doctor of Oz?"
"...I have no idea what that is."
"Ouch."
Mufasa began to dissipate, his words echoing in the conference room. "You are defender2222... the One True King of Parody... remember who you are... remember..."
defender2222 sighed. "I hate author insertion chapters... why do I write so many of them?"
"Hell if I know," the Evil Muffin proclaimed.
“defender2222…” the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi intoned, “you must go to the Dagabah system… there you can write the next chapter of The God Squad-“
“OK, OK, I GET IT!”
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 14:Through the Looking Glass (And What Shining Saw There)
In a small Beavarian village north of Prance, ponies, beavers and all other manner of wildlife were enjoying a nice, warm day while dressed in their white shirts and green lederhosen. The sun was out, the birds were singing, chocolate and beer flowed freely, and the little hamlet was making tons of money off of stupid tourists that were willing to pay 3x markup on junk just because it was made in a 'quaint' little cottage.
There was absolutely nothing that could spoil the tranquil, peaceful mood...
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!
…son of a bitch.
Celestia flew out of the local candy shop, though not under her own wingpower. Landing in a heap in the middle of the dirt lane in front of the establishment, the solar princess blew a strand of hair out of her eyes as Luna and Chrysalis were booted next to her, slamming down with a thud.
"Well, that went well!" Celestia complained, rolling her neck and making sure she hadn’t broken anything.
"I think they were overreacting," Chrysalis stated, taking out a compact and checking her hair. Tydal let out a roar as he was flung down beside her. The sea god turned and, taking a deep breath, let off a string of expletives that would make a rapper blush. "I simply don’t see what all the fuss was about! I personally thought my cookies looked lovely."
"Of course you did," Tydal snapped, pausing in the middle of rant to glare at his baby sister, rolling his shoulders in an effort to work the kinks out. "But to the candy shop it was a little offensive that you ripped open a box of Fig Newtons, plopped them on a tray, and proclaimed them better than the crap they serve!"
"They were just testy," Chrysalis said happily, glad her makeup hadn't been smudged in her flight. “And do you deny that Fig Netwons aren’t tasty?”
“Of course not, but you didn’t have to rub it in their faces!”
"Someone sexy get in my way!" Cadence screamed as she was tossed out.
"I'm sexy!" Luna said happily. "What do you-AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!"
Cadence screamed in pain when she fell on Luna, her wings beating as she tried to get up. Luna, meanwhile, was too busy silently crying in agony as he organs were forced into her head; her eyes bulged out and all the veins were throbbing (and considering that 90% of her head was made up of her eyes, one understood just how much pressure we being applied). “And stay out, Das Ponies!” The owner declared waving his little hand at them before hurrying back inside to eat some wood or whatever the heck beavers do.
The love goddess turned back towards the candy shop, shaking her hoof in anger (though she still hadn’t gotten off of Luna). "You’re just mean! I didn't want to work at your stupid candy shop anyway! I’ll show you! I'll... I'll make my own candy shop and it will be a billion times better than yours! It will have flashing lights and music and poles and mares dancing for cash-"
"Cadence, that's a strip club," Celestia stated, using her magic to lift Cadence up and set her to the side.
The pink alicorn blinked. "Oh... can we go to a strip club?"
"Maybe later," Celestia said, using her magic to peal up the whimpering form of Luna. "Are you ok?"
"Hello Samantha, did you dump Durwood yet?" Luna said in a daze.
“Huh… I kinda like her better this way,” Chrysalis said.
"What the hell is going on here?!?!" Shining shouted, rushing up to the group.
"Hello Shining," Chrysalis purred, rubbing up against him. "What is that charming fragrance I smell?"
"Skunk. I got sprayed by one," Shining stated drily. "What are you five doing out here? You were supposed to be getting the train tickets!"
“Well, we were going to,” Celestia admitted, rubbing the back of her head awkwardly. “But then Luna saw something shining and darted into the candy shop-“
“WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR TRAIN!” the stallion screamed.
"We have plenty of time, Shining!" Cadence said happily. "The train doesn't leave until-"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They all flinched at the train's screeching whistle, turning in time to see the locomotive leaving the station.
"-5 minutes ago." Cadence stuck out her tongue in annoyance. "Poo. Well, nothing to do about it now, let's go hit that strip club."
“Works for me,” Tydal said, turning to follow Cadence.
"ARE YOU ALL INSANE?!?!" Shining screamed.
"Well, we aren't the ones yelling in the middle of the street," Tydal stated.
"You don't get to talk!" Shining snapped. "It’s you and your stupid 'Doomsday Scenario' that are forcing us to try and get back to Equestria!"
"You act like that's such a big deal."
"You're subjects...are going to murder... everything in existence."
Tydal rolled his eyes. "You know, Shining, you've become a real wet blanket since you became the god of bacon."
"I am the god of the dawn, first off, and second-OOOWWWW!"
Tydal grinned as he yanked on Shining's tail, the pain causing the stallion's magic to flare out and create a plate of bacon. "I stand by my statement."
"Perhaps Shining Armor is right," Celestia said, deciding to act as the peacekeeper. "Maybe it would be wise for us, just this once, to focus on-"
"Is that an antique store?" Luna said in delight.
"Antiques?" Celestia exclaimed, eyes lighting up in glee. "Oh, let's go walk around! I so need to redecorate the throneroom!"
"No, wait, we need to-" Shining looked down at Cadence, who was shoving him towards the store. "Why are you so excited?"
"Antique means Strip Club, right?" Cadence asked.
"Yes!" Tydal called out, earning a moan from Shining as his wife continued pushing him towards the store.
Once inside the ponies, capricorn and changeling looked around in delight. All around the store were different objects dating back anywhere from a few years to a couple centuries. Of course, to all but Shining these were new items (since they had been alive long before the builders of these fine items had been born). The gods were quite surprised that while there were the standard antique tables and chairs one might find in such a store, the main attraction was a wall covered in all sorts of mirrors.
"Excuse me, sir," Luna said, walking up to the beaver that ran the store.
"Ah, hello there! No need to call me 'sir'... everyone calls me Harry." The owner shook Luna's hoof. "Now, what can I do for you?"
"We were interested in your collection of mirrors over there."
"You six have a good eye!" Harry said, hopping off his stool and walking over to the wall of mirrors. "These are my pride and joy... magic mirrors, each one of them."
"Mirror mirror on the wall," Chrysalis chanted to one mirror, "who is the fairest of them all?"
"Y-you are," the mirror said.
"Ha, knew it!" the changeling queen declared.
"You do realize he is only saying that because you are pressing a hammer to his face, right?" Celestia gestured towards the hammer Chrysalis had nabbed and was threateningly waving at the mirror.
"Meh, you're just jealous you aren't the fairest of the all."
"What's this one?" Cadence asked.
"The Mirror of Erised," Harry stated. "They claim it can show you your heart's desire."
Shining frowned. "That explains why I see Cadence and I hugging each other... but why is Twiley grinding my leg like that?"
"Ha!" Tydal laughed.
Celestia pointed at a strange mirror in the corner. "While we can deal with Shining and his need for a psychologist later…what is that one there?"
The beaver rubbed his chin. "I just got it in... can't rightly say what it does. Some say it leads to a magical land full of satyrs and lions-"
"Doesn't look like any wardrobe I've ever seen," Luna said.
“I hate allegories,” Chrysalis stated. “Or is it allergies?”
"Others claim it will release Pinhead, the lord of hell who enjoys nothing more than inflicting pains of the flesh upon his victims."
"That leads to Pinny's house?" Cadence asked. "He's in my bookclub!" She rushed over and shook the mirror. "Pinny, helloooooooooooo!"
The miror trembled before shooting off bright blue beams of light.
“What did you think of ’50 Shades of Gray’? I thought it was really boring and the characters-“
"Cadence!" Shining Armor cried out, pushing his wife out of the way...
...only to get sucked into the mirror himself.
"...well, that was different," Tydal said. "Anyone-"
The mirror fired off a second blast that grabbed Tydal and sucked him in.
"Well this is just a dick move!" he cried out before he too disappeared.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ow..." Shining moaned, reaching up and rubbing his head. "That hurt."
"Tell me about it," Tydal complained, slowly rising up from where he fell. He shut his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Remind me to declare a blood feud against mirrors, alright Shining? I'd do it now but my head hurts too much."
"Yeah," Shining said, running his fingers through his hair.
He blinked, slowly brining his hand down, staring at it. He wiggled his fingers. He turned his hand over and looked at his knuckles.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the now humanized pony screamed.
"Wow," Twilight said, her horn glowing as she grabbed a cigarette and brought it to her lips (this being a kids’ show, however, it was a candy cigarette). She was laying in Celestia's bed, a sheet draped over her. She stared up at the ceiling with a happy smirk on her face (it would have been more happy if there hadn’t been a mural on the ceiling depicting an angry Celestia waving her hoof with a cartoon bubble saying ‘Sex is a sin!’). "Wow," she repeated.
"Yeah," said Hairy Grabber, The-Griff-Who-Lived, defeater of He-Whose-Name-Has-A-Lot-Of-Dashes-In-It, and overall ok poker player. He too was lying in Celestia's bed, a thin film of sweat covering his body as he basked in a post bow-chika-wow-wow glow. "Thanks for not freaking out when I began crying."
"Thanks for letting me do that think with my ear," Twilight stated.
They were two heroes that fate had saw to bring together. One was a newly made Equestrian princess, having received her wings and powers only months ago. The other was the future savior of Griffland who was fated to fight Moldywart in a grand magical battle that may or may not take 7 books and 8 movies to depict. They both had suffered and seen amazing things... they had loyal friends and mysterious, cryptic mentors that enjoyed trolling them. They were the masters of ancient powers and the idols of many. Truly this was a moment of destiny between the two of them.
Take a guess if it remains all peaceful. Seriously, go ahead…
Ok, made the guess? Great.
"Eh, excuse me?" Fluttershy said, poking her head into the room. She blushed at the state of their undress (why she did no one knew, since she was also naked... and almost always was naked) but pressed on. "I know you are busy with things and such but... well...would you mind terribly if I kidnapped you both and subjected you to a series of strange masochist rituals in a plot to make Twilight fall in love with me?"
"Huh?" the two said, just as Fluttershy threw a net over them.
"Thank you," Fluttershy said politely, yanking on the end of the net, synching the two up tight and slowly dragging them out of the bedroom.
“FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight shouted. “Stop this.”
“Uh… no, sorry, I can’t.”
"Guards, help!" Twilight shouted.
"Should we help her, sir?" the guard known as Sharp Point asked Commander Spike.
"If we do then we are heroes," Spike said, tapping his chin. "On the other hand, if we don't then we get a half day... and this is Friday so we can have a 3-day weekend!"
"SPIKE!" Twilight screamed as Fluttershy continued to drag them away. “You know you are suppose to be working this weekend helping me study that ancient text on boring things!”
"Who wants to go to the beach?" Spike asked, pulling out some sunglasses.
"YEAH!" the guards proclaimed, abandoning their posts.
"...some guards," Hairy muttered.
Twilight sighed. "I got them cheap since I bought in bulk-"
"Hostages can't talk," Fluttershy said sweetly as she dragged them out the door.
"...yes they can!"
"Oh... well, it doesn't matter because I am still kidnapping you. Yay."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 15: Equestrian Boys
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Tydal rubbed his forehead, checking for any bumps, and scowled. "What the hell is your problem, Shining?" The captain, took a breath, held up his hand, wiggled his fingers, then returned to his screaming. "Oh... that." Tydal inspected his fingers, brow furrowing in confusion. "That’s interesting… been a while since I was human. Why am I gray?"
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"No, I don't think 'AAAAAAAAAA!!!!' is the reason," Tydal said dryly.
He walked over to the mirror that was hanging in the office Shining and he had landed in, twisting this way and that as he inspected himself. His face was just as gray as his hands and his head was topped with green hair that was styled just like his mane normally was. A small green goatee adorned his chin and his eyes were still a striking blue even though his pupils were round instead of their normal slits. He was wearing a long charcoal-colored jacket that went down to his just below his knees and under this was a light gray t-shirt and green camouflage pants. Lifting the hem from the expensive looking hiking boots he was wearing, he found that his ankles were quite green though, strangely for him, not scaled at all. He rubbed his neck and found that his gills were missing too; not just sealed up like when he was land but completely gone, just like his horns.
"Huh, that's different," he said dryly, "last time I was a human I was all creamy peach and pink. Now I look like a cross between that form and my glorious capricorn self."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"Anyone ever tell you that you’re a horrible conversationalist, Shining?" Tydal balled his hand into a fist before flexing his fingers out as wide as they could go. He bounced on the balls of his feet and rolled his shoulders as he tried to get a sense of what this new body could do. "I cannot recall what it is about these fingers that I like so much."
"AAAAAAAAAAAA-"
SMACK!
"Ow!" Shining complained, cupping his now red cheek with his hand.
"Backhanding people!" Tydal said with a grin. "I knew it would come to me!"
"What the hay was that?!?" Shining complained.
"You were screaming like a little bitch so I needed to snap you out of it. It was either that or slit your throat."
"You don't have a tail anymore," Shining said with a slight smirk. The moment the words left his mouth as knife appeared in Tydal's hand.
"But I am still quite dangerous," he said, his blade retracting back into his sleeve. Tydal stepped over to the desk that sat in the middle of the room and began to rummage through it. "Let's see here..."
"What are you doing?" Shining hissed. "Stop that!"
"No."
"What do you mean, no? You can't just go poking your nose into other pony's-"
"People's."
"What?"
Tydal shrugged. "They say 'people' here. Or I assume so. The last time I was human they said ‘people’. I admit I wasn’t so colorful that last time but I can’t imagine the vocabulary being different just because of my skin pigment." He grabbed a rubix cube and began to fiddle with it. “I wonder if this will unlock the gates of hell…”
"Ok, you can't just go poking around somepeople's-"
"Ones."
Shining blinked. "What?"
"Someone."
"But you just said they said 'people' here."
"Well, they are people but they don't shove the word behind everything they can like you stupid arrogant horses. Somepony, everypony, anypony, gag me. They also don’t name everything with those pathetic pony puns. Really, you all think capricorns are arrogant?"
“You named your capital city ‘Tydal’s Keep’.”
“Meh.”
Shining sat down in a huff, arms crossed over his chest. He took a moment to look himself over and truly see what he was wearing and what he looked like. His long blue hair hung down to his shoulders, curling slightly at the ends. He had on a blue shirt that matched his hair and a red varsity jacket with his cutie mark emblazed on the left side. He vaguely remembered that the trousers he was wearing were called 'jeans' and he had a set of comfortable shoes on his feet (he glared at said feet in disgust; long flat appendages with stubby toes on the end... how disgusting).
"Tydal?"
"Hmmm?" the former capricorn said as he dug through some of the drawers.
"How do you know everything about this place? And why aren't you freaking out?"
"As I said, I was a human once before," Tydal stated, pulling out some beef jerky and taking a bite. “Got turned into one a few thousand years ago… that’s how I met my Merida.”
"That's right, your wife was a human."
Tydal nodded. "Merida will be mad she wasn't here to experience it... she still gets annoyed at the lack of fingers." Tydal wiggled his. "I never really saw the appeal but I get why she would mourn their loss. I mean, she can still use that bow and arrow of hers but she I forever going on about it not being the same with magic.” He took out a wallet and began to thumb through it. “Still, I did point out that considering she could have been like her mother and turned into a bear-"
"Could you please stop stealing other pon... people's things?"
"I'm not," Tydal said.
"Yes you are, I can plainly see you rummaging through that desk."
"Ah, but it isn't stealing if it is mine!" With that Tydal flipped up the nameplate that had tipped over during their arrival. In big black letters in declared that the desk belonged to 'Dean Tydal'. "It appears I am the head of Mareatine University."
"You're the head of a college?" Shining let fly a full body shudder. "I mourn the children of this world."
"Ha bloody ha!" Tydal snarked, sitting down behind 'his' desk. "I wouldn't get too cocky, Shining." Tydal motioned for the former stallion to look in the mirror and Shining let out a choking gasp as he saw the Mareatine U logo on the back of his jacket. "Looks like you go to my school." Tydal steepled his fingers. "Now... how would you like to end up on double secret probation?"
"Would you knock it off?" Shining groused, standing up and making his way to the door. "We need to figure out a way home!"
Tydal sighed. "Amazing, you are a stick in the mud in two worlds. Truly one for the record books." He began to look at all the different gizmos on his desk. "I wonder which one of these signals my army to attack."
"You are a college dean; I seriously doubt you have an army."
"Dean, General... they are basically the same thing."
"No... no they aren't."
Tydal poked at a strange box on his desk. "Yeah, they-"
"Did you need something, sir?" the intercom on his desk asked (well, not the intercom but the person/pony using it... though at this point a sentient intercom wouldn't be that big of a shock).
"Uh..." Tydal said, looking at the intercom.
"Say something!" Shining hissed.
Tydal scratched the back of his head, giving a weak smile even though the intercomm couldn't see it. "Uh, everything's under control. Situation normal. Uh… everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?”
"I'm good, father," the voice answered.
"...Misty?"
The door to his office opened and Tydal's daughter stepped in. She too was humanified, with her straight pink hair hanging in her eyes. Her makeup was very dark, with dark eyeliner and black lipstick. She wore a tight black top with a see-through mesh shirt over that and her pants were so baggy that she could have fit another person inside. She chunky black combat boots clunked against the floor as she walked over and placed an hand on Tydal's forehead, the many skull rings she wore gleaming in the fluorescent light.
"Are you feeling ok, dad?"
"Fine fine," Tydal coughed, trying to cover for the confusion he was feeling. It was one thing to wake up and find himself a human... it was another thing to discover that his daughter was also human and seemingly didn't notice. "As I asked, how are you? Feeling like you are the same species?"
"I'm doing well... I wish Coral hadn't partied so hard last night, of course. But luckily Sea Foam was able to cover for me at the restaurant so I could cover for her here."
Tydal nodded, remembering Sea Foam well; she was one of Misty’s friends and worked in the kitchens at his Keep. "Yes... well, I am thankful that you could pitch in and help your sister."
Misty leaned in, whispering, "Is Shining Armor managing to get Alpha Sigma Sigma in check?"
"I... uh..." Tydal stammered, his poise shattered in the face of so many questions to which he had no answers to.
He was saved from answering by the door to his office slamming open, revealing several frat boys standing there bouncing on their heels.
"Are you done yet with our President, Dean Tydal?" a blue 20 year old with a ring in his nose and a bluetooth in his ear asked. He stood nearly 7 feet tall, was built like a brick wall, and was wearing a black t-shirt and, for some reason, a tie. "Iron Will needs Shining Armor ASAP!"
Another one nodded. "Yes, and even though I look exactly like Abed from Community, I am clearly Wall Breaker. References. Meta. Tvtrope."
Shining flashed his 'frat brothers' a nervous smile. "Well, I don't know if I can get away at this time... I am sure the dean-"
"Take him," Tydal said, waving Shining away.
"What?!?" The former stallion screamed.
"Get out of my sight before I give you double secret probation."
"Tydal!" Shining cried out as his frat brothers dragged him away.
"...well that was fun, who wants lunch?" Tydal said, rubbing his hands together. “We eat animals here, right?”
Misty frowned. “Uh… of course. Everyone does.”
“Love this place.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hey, hey!" Shining cried out as he was half-dragged out of the administrator’s building. "I can walk on my own 4 hooves, thank you!"
"Dude, are you drunk again?" another frat brother asked.
"YOU SHOULD NOT BE DRUNK!" Iron Will screamed in his face. "WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK YOUR CLASSES YOU FLUNK!"
Shining wiped the spittle from his face. "I am not drunk; I just don't want to be carried across the campus." He checked over his jacket, making sure it was a-ok (he might be in a strange world and in an even stranger body but that didn't mean he had to look like a slob). "Now then, could you please tell me just what is so important that you dragged me out of the dean's office?"
"Dude, we just want to make sure you are ready for the big party!" The frat brother wrapped his arm around Shining.
The captain wrinkled his nose, the scent of BO, weed, and shame filling his nostrils. "Do I know you, hippie?"
“Of course, dude!” Hippie Hipster stated.
"Iron WIll is wondering if you have picked out your chick yet!"
"My chick?" Shining said in confusion.
"Course, dude!" the stoner said. "You know Fancy Pants is claiming you are gonna bum out on your tubular bet."
"Are you just randomly stringing words together?" Shining said in confusion. "What bet?"
Wall Breaker shrugged. "Just your standard college frat boy bet. Fancy Pants has bet that you can't find a homely girl, give her a makeover, and make her look gorgeous. We all know you are going to pick a chick that is very sexy she just hides it with a ponytail and some glasses and frumpy clothing. When you remove all that, getting her hair down and forcing her to not wear glasses, she will be super attractive and you will be able to have a romantic adventure with her."
"I can't believe I'm saying this.... thank you Wall Breaker."
"Cool... cool cool cool."
Shining rubbed his chin in thought. "So, I need to pick out a mare... uh, I mean woman... and give her a makeover?"
"Don't worry!" Iron Will proclaimed. "We already picked out the perfect one for you!"
Shining turned, looking at the pink-skinned college girl who was trying to make it to class with her arms loaded down with books. She wore a frumpy gray dress, her hair was in a bun, and she had on a pair of thick nerd glasses. She was hustling along, obviously fretting over something.
"CADENCE?!?" Shining screamed.
"Really, did no one see this coming?" Wall Breaker asked.
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal was waiting for Misty to place their order (and wondering if he could trick Celestia in letting him build one of these ‘McDonalds’ in Canterlot) when he felt a smaller body bump into him.
“Oh… oh, I’m sorry!” the teenager said, her red, puffy eyes streaked with tears. Her red hair hung limp around her orange face and she shuffled nervously, unable to meet Tydal’s eyes. “I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t…”
Tydal took out a hankie. “There there, no need to cry little one. Are you ok?”
“Yes.” The girl wiped her eyes. When the former capricorn just kept staring at her she sighed. “No… no, not at all.”
Unable to say no to a sobbing female (it was those big damn eyes that quivered with tears!), Tydal motioned for the girl to join him at a nearby table. “Well, maybe I can help.” He held out his hand. “Lor…I mean Dean Tydal.”
The girl held out her own hand, shaking his. “Shimmer… Sunset Shimmer.”
Mary Sue, the red-maned black coated alicorn, looked up from the model airplane she was making, watching the Doctor with mild interest. It was a lazy Tuesday afternoon and since one of them was a time lord and the other was an immortal goddess, they naturally didn't have to go to work (working and paying the bills was Derpy’s problem).
"I was just wondering when you were going to regenerate."
"That is an odd thing to ask," the Doctor said with a huff. "And rather personal too!"
"You... are complaining about being personal."
"Of course."
"Ha!"
The Doctor glowered. "What is with the laugh?"
"You are one of the most nosy ponies I know! Even nosier than Nosey McGee."
"I take offense to that."
"Oh really? Remember when we first met?"
~A few months ago...~
"Doctor!" Derpy called out, trotting into the Tardis with Mary Sue fast on her hooves. "Doctor, are you in here, I brought a guest!"
"And snacks!" Dinky proclaimed, following behind the two mares pulling a wagon loaded with tortilla chips and 5 different kinds of dip. “Don’t forget the snacks!”
"Huh," Mary Sue said, looking at the interior of the Tardis with interest. "So apparently this ship uses a condensed space field to allow it to have a great interior that its exterior would have you believe."
"Also it’s bigger on the inside!" Derpy said happily. "Doctor!"
The Doctor came racing in, eyes wide and his movements frantic. "Derpy, thank whatever deity time lords worship your here! I am in the middle of an emergency and we must act quickly!" The stallion began to tug on some levers, only to pause and look at Mary in confusion. "And who is this?"
"This is Mary Sue! She's my new friend."
"Right right, very good. Now Mary, I only ask this because the fate of the galaxy depends on it... I need to examine your genitals."
Mary's eyes tripled in size.
“Is that a new kind of dip?” Dinky asked. “I don’t think I have that.”
~MC~MC~MC~
"To be fair, I was at that moment dealing with a race of aliens that hid themselves in the genitals of females," the Doctor said.
"Sure," Mary said, rolling her eyes. "So..."
"So... what?"
"When are you going to regenerate?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Honestly?" Mary asked. "I am kinda getting bored with the whole..." she vaguely gestured at his form, "...thing you have going on here."
"Thing?"
"Your mane and your skin and your lack of horns or wings. Maybe if you regenerate you'll get crab claws or something... that would be neat."
The Doctor scowled. "Regenerating is not like changing your tie-"
"You should get a bowtie... bowties are cool!" Mary stated.
"No... no they aren't. And I am not going to regenerate just because you are tired of my looks... I couldn't even if I wanted to. I have to die to regenerate."
"So... I have to kill you if I want you to get a blue coat?"
"Yes."
"Ok."
The Doctor returned to the magazine he was reading, only to drop it after a few moments. "Do you mean ok as in you are letting this go... or ok as in you are going to now actively try to kill me?"
"Haven't decided," Mary said. "I like to live in the moment."
"I would like to live period," the Doctor muttered.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 16: The Many Secret Origins of Sunset Shimmer
"Dad..." Misty said, walking up to the table her father was sitting at with a tray loaded down with food clasped in her hands, "why is there a teenage girl sitting at our table?" Her shoulders slumped in defeat. "Oh lord, you aren't having another Mid-Life crisis, are you? I will not call her 'mommy'!"
"Of course I'm not having a mid-life crisis and even if I was, your mother would castrate me!" Tydal complained. "Wait... 'another'? I've had a crisis before?" Misty nodded her head. "What did I do the last time?"
~One Year Earlier~
"Tydal, I'm home!" Merida called out, tossing her purse and keys on the kitchen counter. The tall, lithe Scottish woman shook her bushy red hair, letting it fall in a curly mess around her face."Where are-AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Merida stumbled back, waving her arms and looking for her crossbow. There, in the middle of her living room, was a gigantic robotic head. Wires were exposed where the plates hadn't been added and oil was leaking onto her new carpet.
"I'm building a Jaeger!" Tydal said happily as he emerged from behind the monstrosity, wiping the sweat from his brow. "I'm going to call him Punchy McKill-Kill! Take that non-Godzillas!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm concerned you don't remember your own life," Misty stated as she sat down, her father wolfing down the first of his many McDoubles. "I see your appetite hasn't been affected by this crisis."
Tydal grabbed a handful of fries and shoved them into his mouth. "I am not having a midlife crisis!" he complained. "Sunset here bumped into me and when I saw she was crying I decided to take pity on her. You know I can't stand seeing young girls cry."
"That's true." When Sunset shot her a confused look Misty smirked. "My sister and I used to use the big puppy dog eyes to get anything we wanted."
"Brat," Tydal muttered, earning a kiss on the cheek from his daughter. "Now then, Miss Shimmer, why don't you tell me why you were walking around this most wonderful of places with tears in your eyes."
Sunset lowered her head, idly grabbing a french fry and nibbling on it. "My... my life is just horrible. Sometimes I wonder why I go on."
"You go on for the hope that things will get better," Tydal said.
"That... is really profound," Sunset said in surprise.
"And if they don't you render a species extinct."
"And now it is creepy," Sunset said nervously.
Misty waved the teen off. "Don't worry, he's mostly kidding. Now, what is wrong?"
Sunset licked her lips, her half-eaten french fry dangling from her fingers. "It all started before I came to this place."
"You mean this town?" MIsty asked.
"...yes," Sunset said quietly. "When I first came here, it was because I was upset. My mentor... Celestia-"
"The High School Principal?" Misty said.
"Bloody hell!" Tydal exclaimed, forgetting himself. "She's a principal here? Talk about a downgrade."
Sunset looked at Tydal oddly. "What do you mean?"
Tydal caught the look and considered his words carefully. "Sunset... would the name 'Cloudsdale' mean anything to you." At the widening of Sunset Shimmer's eyes Tydal knew he had guessed right. "Misty, could you go get us a round of shakes. On me, of course." Tydal pulled out his wallet and yanked out a few bills. "These will be enough, right?"
Misty might have been a cool, collected, serious young woman... but the sight of the hundred dollar bills in her father's hand made her almost squeal. "Yes... yes they are." She happily hurried away, already thinking about the new leather coat she was going to get with her ill-gotten gains.
"You do realize that you gave her-"
"Yes," Tydal said, cutting the teen off, "but it will keep her out of my hair for a few minutes. Now then... you didn't always have these," he wiggled his fingers, "did you?"
"You're from Equestria too?" Sunset asked in shock.
"Heaven forbid. Celestia and Luna-"
"Who is Luna, anyway? I've been wondering that since I met Vice Principal Luna. The Princess doesn't have a sister... does she?"
"Long story, involves Nightmare something or other, not worth telling, in my opinion. You must have already left when that all got cleared up." Tydal puffed up a bit. "I am Lord Tydal, God of the Sea and God of War, master of the Mareatine, King of the capricorn nation."
"Never heard of ya."
The green-haired man visibly deflated. "Bugger, you have been gone for a while. Does the name 'The Teacher' mean anything to you?"
Sunset was practically vibrating in her seat, a grin nearly breaking her face into a million pieces. "The one who taught Princess Celestia the art of magic?"
"Yes... if by taught you mean I stopped her from grabbing crayons with her magic and scribbling on my walls."
"What are you doing here?"
"Another long story that would take up at least 3 fan fics, cameos in several more, and a few songs. What about you?"
"As I said earlier, Princess Celestia was my mentor. I studied under her-"
"Ew."
"Not litterally,"
"Ah."
Sunset sighed. "We had a falling out. I am willing to admit I was a bit hasty… but Celestia was always complaining that I demanded too much too soon.”
“Yes, she has that problem,” Tydal grumbled. “She always gets mad when I show even the tiniest bit of impatience.”
~One Month Ago…~
Tydal pointed to a piece of cheesecake that was sitting in the bakery’s display case. “I’ll have that one.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but that is merely a prop, it isn't real. But don’t worry, a fresh cheesecake will be ready in one minute.”
“Ah,” Tydal said, “but you won’t be alive in a minute.”
“What?” the baker asked, only to scream as Tydal pulled out a bazooka.
“TYDAL NO!” Celestia snapped.
“What happened to the Celestia who use to get drunk and destroy innocent bakers!” he complained as he tossed his weapon to Chrysalis.
“She grew up,” Celestia mumbled.
~MC~MC~MC~
Sunset sighed. “I honestly don't know why she ever chose me out of all the fillies at her school… we are nothing alike and always fought... I don't get why she ever looked at me-"
"Most likely she picked you because she's your mother," a blue-skinned woman with a purplish-pink beehive-style hairdo said.
"WHAT?!?!" Sunset exclaimed.
The woman's husband, a long and lanky man carrying a set of twins that were most likely not his (seriously, it is pretty clear they aren't), decided to join the conversation. "Yes, it is pretty clear that you are Celestia's secret love child."
"But... but..." Sunset exclaimed,
"I heard the whole tale," the woman said with a sad smile. "It was beautifully tragic."
"It was tragically beautiful," her husband retorted.
"Didn't you lock me in a cage made of bread once?" Tydal asked.
Sunset held up her hands, asking for some quiet. "How... how can Princess... I mean Principal Celestia be my mom?"
"When a man and a woman love each other very much," Tydal began, "the male inserts his phallus-"
"DAD!" Misty screamed, rushing over to stop him. "There are some things I don't need to have come out of your mouth."
"That's what she said," nearly everyone in the McDonalds shouted.
Sunset watched as the two bakers walked away, her brain a whirl of new information. "C-Celestia is my mom? Then who is my dad?"
"Probably King Sombra or someone, who cares?" Tydal said with a wave of his hand, snatching the strawberry milkshake Misty had gotten him from her grasp. "Now then, back to your story?"
Sunset nodded. "Right... its just that finding out she's my mom makes her abandoning me all the worse!"
"Oh noes," Tydal said mockingly, clasping his hands against his cheeks, "you have issues with your mommy! Not like anyone else has the exact same problem." He gave her a cool stare. "My mother locked me in a crate when i was a baby and then forced me to raise my sisters because she wanted to work on her tan."
"It still hurts," Sunset murmured. "She abandoned me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he pretty sure he's gay,"
"Is he?" Misty asked.
"After what I saw him doing to Snowflake... yeah, I'm sure even if he isn't. So, I am dealing with that and those mean girls Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Applejack who are always picking on me..."
Tydal clapped his hands together. "Well, why didn't you say so! I can help you fix all of that!"
"You can?" Sunset said.
"You can?" Misty asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Of course! Now, we have two options... the first is for us to work together for months on end building up your self confidence and teaching you how to handle the pain your life has brought you, allowing you to become a more well-rounded person."
Sunset smiled. "That sounds-"
"Boring as (censored)," Tydal said dryly. "Which is why we are going with option two: We declare a blood feud on all those that have hurt you and systematically seek vengeance upon them all!" Tydal threw his head back and to the shock of all those in the restaurant, the formerly sunny sky darkened and thunder rolled in. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Wait," Misty said in confusion, "why are you helping this girl declare a blood feud against Aunt Celestia?"
"Because I haven't pranked her in a while," Tydal admitted.
"...works for me!" Misty said with glee, throwing back her own head. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Wow, the weather sure turned bad, didn't it?" Cadence asked, looking up at the dark sky. "Do you hear evil laughter?"
Before Shining could answer, one of his frat brothers, a tiny little guy with brown hair and eyes that spun whenever he moved, spoke up. "I didn't laugh at all."
"Who are you?" Shining asked.
"I'm Evil Muffin!" the frat brother proclaimed.
"... of course you are," Shining muttered, leading Cadence away from his frat brothers.
"Thanks for walking me back to my dorm," Cadence said. "With that phantom flasher running around, you can't be too careful." Cadence pushed her glasses up and smiled nervously at Shining Armor. "You are very sweet."
"Thanks," Shining said, trying to hide how disturbed he was by this shy, skittish Cadence.
The two of them walked in silence to her dorm. The storm clouds and evil laughter were driving ponies back to the safety of their rooms and Shining figured that he could use the rain as an excuse to spend a few hours in Cadence's dorm. Truth be told, with all the craziness and being-human-ness going on he was desperate for a friendly face. He knew he could go find Tydal, but he worried that joining the former capricorn for the evening would result in them sharing a jail cell. Besides, even if this Cadence wasn't his Cadence, she was a version of his wife and he always drew strength from her when she was near.
"So, what are you majoring in?" Shining asked as they entered her dorm-room. It very much reflected her personality: touches of pink, plenty of soft, fuzzy things, and muted, gentle lighting that did not encroach.
"Animal husbandry," Cadence said, setting her books aside.
"Uh... ok?" Shining said, not getting how marrying animals could be a career.
"You have no idea what that is, do you?" Cadence asked with a teasing smile.
"Not a clue."
Cadence beamed, clearly coming out of her shell when she was given a chance to talk about her major. "Here, i have a video that will explain. I did it for my class last semester." She walked over to her DVD player and popped in a disc from the stack on her desk. Shining took a seat on her bed, Cadence sitting next to him, her eyes riveted to her hands the moment she realized she was sitting next to a boy.
Shining's brow furrowed as he watched Cadence's face appear on screen. "Hello, I'm Cadence and this is my midterm project for Animal Husbandry 401. I have decided to demonstrate the proper way to collect samples from a stallion."
"Samples?" Shining asked as Cadence shifted the camera to the strangest pony he'd ever seen. The stallion's nose was overly long, his eyes WAY too small, his mane was styled in a very strange way, and he was much, much bigger than any stallion Shining had ever seen. Cadence took out a stool and sat down, having already restrained the horse so it couldn't move. "Cadence what are you-HOLY CELESTIA!"
"Now, notice the positioning of my hands," video Cadence said.
Shining's jaw dropped as he watched and learned just WHAT animal husbandry was.
"Shining... are you ok?" Cadence asked, blushing with embarrassment. "Oh... I'm so stupid! You must be so disgusted seeing this! I just got so excited... I'm very, very sorry, I promise... what are you doing with my pillow?"
Shining had grabbed the pillow and used it to cover his lap.
"Shining? Are you ok?" Cadence placed her hand on his brow, checking his temperature. "You don't feel warm... but you are breathing very hard."
"Notice how the horse's breathing increases when I tighten my grip," video Candece said.
She leaned in close, her fingers running along his throat, her lips nearly touching his sweat-kissed skin. "Shining, I think you might have food poisoning-"
Shining threw Cadence onto the bed, his hands clasping her wrists and holding them above her head as he began to kiss her neck, his legs straddling her as he proved it wasn't just his breathing that was hard.
"Shining, what... oooo... what are you.... oh my... oh! Oh!"
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal held the door open for Sunset and Misty. "Now, the first thing we do-"
"OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I FOUND YOU!"
The former capricorn looked around in disgust. "Oh lord, you sing here too?"
“Hey Applejack, have you seen Big Macintosh?” Applebloom asked, trotting up to her sister who had just returned from Canterlot to help in the search for Twilight/cover up for Fluttershy.
Applejack wiped the sweat from her brow (‘Oh, why does Canterlot have to be so high up… the stairs, the stairs!’). “I think he is in the barn, AB. I wouldn’t go bother him right-“
“What did you just call me?”
“Huh?”
Applebloom frowned, her eyes narrowed. “You called me AB. Why would you call me AB?”
“What do you mean? I’ve called you AB before.”
“You have never called me that before.”
Applejack scoffed. “I’m sure I have.”
“And I am sure I have never heard you call me AB. No one has ever called me AB!” Applebloom rolled her eyes at the look her big sister was sending her. “No… one. I’ve been called other things, like Bloomy and Bloomster and Baby Apples and Sweet Ass and-“
“Who calls you Sweet Ass?” Applejack asked, jaw clenched in outrage.
“Our priest, Mr. Bad Touch. He calls me that during our secret games.”
“Ok, I will deal with that in a minute, but I don’t see what the problem is with the nickname I came up with, honestly. I mean, ponies call me AJ… Applejack. And you are AB… Applebloom. Makes complete sense!”
“Fine then… have you seen BM?”
“BM?”
“Big Macintosh, of course. I am sure he will be thrilled to hear his new nickname… who wouldn’t want to be named after how we remove plop from our bodies?”
Applejack sighed. “Ok, so it doesn’t work for him, but-“
“And what about our aunt, the one you are half named after? I’m sure Aunt Bananajack will be all smiles when I cry out at the next family reunion ‘Hey, Aunt BJ!’.”
“I… get… it.”
“I bet Uncle Red Delicious will be thrilled to hear about Aunt BJ-“
“That’s enough of that.”
“And what about our cousin, the one who lives with that stallion but they are ‘just friends’ even though there is only one bed in their apartment? I’m sure Dark Lemon will be real happy when I walk to him and Butt Breaker and scream ‘DL!’-“
“I get it!” Applejack shouted. “I won’t use any more nicknames like BB or MO or GS.”
“GS? Like the God Squad?”
“Who the hell is the God-“
In the world of Pony Fan Fictions there are two types of stories Those that are serious dramas that attempt to move you And those that are basically random jokes This is the later
Shining looked up at the ceiling, a goofy grin on his face. While it was strange waking up from a night of hardcore sex without whip-wounds on his flank, fractures in his hip bones and a mirror on the ceiling, he wasn’t about to complain. Even if Cadence was a human and had looked like a quiet, meek nerd… the pink-skinned girl was a red-blooded demon in the sack. And her passion and inventive mind had let her show him just how nice these human bodies could be.
‘The things she did with her fingers… and her feet… and those squishy things on her chest…’ Shining let out a happy sigh, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. ‘And now that I’ve taught her the joys of sex, maybe we can-‘
“EEEEEEEEEEEECKKKKKKK!”
Shining leapt out of bed, using the sheet to cover his nakedness (because, for once, he actually had something down there to cover!).
“Oh, I’m… I’m sorry,” Cadence said meekly from where she stood in the doorway. “I forgot you were here and I thought you were the secret flasher that has been wandering around the campus.”
Shining merely stared in horror at Cadence… who was wearing a faded, worn gray bathrobe, flannel pajamas, scuzzy looking slippers and her nerdy glasses. Her hair was once more in a bun and she was eating Lucky Charms straight from the box. She wore no makeup, did nothing to show off her beauty, and Shining was pretty sure she hadn’t even brushed her teeth yet.
“What… but… what…”
“Oh no, did the sexual intercourse give you brain damage?” Cadence hurried over and rubbed his back. “My mother always warned me sexual intercourse could do that to a person but now I see that the sexual intercourse-“
“Stop calling it that!” Shining shouted.
“What… what should I call it?” Cadence asked meekly.
“Sex… screwing… the beast with two backs… dunking the Oreo… draining the lizard in the taco stand… taking Big Mac to Dairy Queen… joining your spark to the Matrix… R2ing your 3PO…bow-chica-wow-wow!”
“Those all sound filthy though… can’t we just use the clinical terms, please?” Cadence gave him a weak smile, shifting back and forth. “Or not at all?”
“By Celestia it’s like I’m talking to Fluttershy.” Shining rolled his eyes, getting up and ignoring Cadence’s screech of horror when she saw his bare bottom. “Have you seen that white thing that was covering my pubic area?”
“You mean your underpants?”
“Yeah, those.”
“On the ceiling fan.”
“Thanks.” Shining closed his eyes and grunted, only for his shoulders to slump. “Right, no magic.” He got on the bed (earning another scream from Cadence) and retrieved his undergarment. “Wish I had my magic… I could go for some waffles right now. God of Breakfast my flank…”
“What… what are you talking about?” Cadence asked, doing her best to shield her eyes from Shining’s nakedness. Seeing her covering her face with her arm left the former stallion utterly peeved; the Cadence he knew regularly took pictures of him right after sex. He didn’t know what she did with them, though…
~A Year Ago…~
“Hey Twilight, Princess Cadence sent you a letter!”
“Let me see, Spike!” the lavender unicorn said happily, grabbing the envelope Spike had gotten from Derpy and tearing it open. “In her last letter she told me about how great her honeymoon was and she was planning on sending me-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
Spike looked over her shoulder. “Hey, that’s no fair… why do Cadence and Shining get to cover themselves in Bavarian cream!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Shining, where are we going?” Cadence asked as she was dragged through the college courtyard. She had barely had time to pull on a gray hoodie and her favorite pair of baggy sweatpants before Shining had yanked her out the door. “Are we going to Dennys for breakfast? I like Dennys. Especially pancakes.”
“Please don’t sing the Pancake Song.”
Cadence frowned. “How do you know about Aunt Celestia’s Pancake song?”
“I… I just know,” Shining said, tugging on Cadence's arm a bit harder to get her back on track. He was use to his wife getting flighty on him, as her naturally bubbly personality was a result, in part, of her ADD. This Cadence, however, seemed to use her ADD as an excuse to drive herself back to her dorm so she didn't have to deal with the world.
"I could make pancakes at my dorm... wouldn't that be better? We could have pancakes and remain completely clothed and not do that wonder, amazing, sexalious thing we did..." Cadence's eyes glazed over and for a moment Shining saw another hint of his wife within the pink human female he was pulling across the quad. The next moment it was gone and Shining groaned in frustration. He had to get Cadence to be Cadence… for this reality’s Shining’s sake.
"We are going to grab a few donuts to eat on the go and then we are going to a salon."
"Why are we going to a salon?" Cadence asked innocently.
"You are getting a makeover," Shining said sternly. "My frat brothers think you are a plain jane, below average girl who is all brains and no beauty. They want me to glam you up and then present you at a dance to win a bet, or something. Honestly I don’t remember what the reason for pointing you out was but it doesn’t matter now." Shining whipped around and cupped Cadence's face, staring at her tenderly. "I know, however, that you can be the most beautiful, jawing dropping pon...er... woman in the world and we are going to make every see that!"
Cadence blinked, taking in his words.
"Shining?"
"Yes?" the former stallion said, leaning closer to her.
"...I make really good pancakes. We should skip the salon and-"
"THAT'S IT!" Shining shouted, grabbing Cadence and lifting her up over his shoulder. The young woman let out an eep as he stormed across the quad, carrying her easily away from her dorm. People stopped what they were doing and stared at the sight of the fraternity president carrying a squealing girl around. "Move along, nothing to see here!" Shining shouted at the people watching him. "Just kidnapping this girl I just slept with because she refuses to do what I want! Move along!"
"Should we do something?" a student asked, watching Shining stomp away.
"... nah, I think we should just let this happen," her friend said.
"You know what you should do?" a white man with red hair, dressed in an ol' timey shirt, vest and hat said. "Dance!" The man began to do the Charleston. "Shoot, no one is joining me... play me off, Flam!" Flam, who was sitting at a worn piano, began to beat out a little tune.
~15 minutes later...~
"I'll arrange the strawberries like a smiley face!" Cadence pleaded as Shining carried her through Main Street, a bag of donuts clutched in his free hand. “A nice, simple smiley face! Wouldn’t that be the bee’s knees?”
"For the last time no!" Shining shouted. "This naughty librarian look you have going on is great except there is no naughty about it! You are getting a makeover!"
"But... but... then people will stare at me!"
"Like they are staring at you now?" Shining asked dryly as he opened the door to the New Change Salon.
"That's because you're-"
"Shining Armor?"
The blue haired human nearly dropped Cadence on her face. "TYDAL!?!"
The capricorn-turned-college dean lifted up his cup of orange juice and gave the captain a mock toast before grabbing the cinnamon roll he was eating and taking a big bite. "I see you didn't waste any time, did you?”
Shining set the bag of donuts down and slugged Tydal in the shoulder as hard as he could... then hid his wince as he shook his hand. "You... you bastard! You abandoned me!"
"That I did... and that is the only reason you are keeping your head for striking me,” Tydal said dangerously.
"Leave the boy alone, my love," a pink skinned woman said, her fiery hair a bushy mess of curls. She wore a simple green dress shirt and a pair of casual slacks... and a crossbow slung on her back. Her eyes danced with amusement as she breezed around Shining Armor. "Is this the boy you were telling me about?"
"Indeed," Tydal said, gesturing lazily at Shining. "Shining Armor, my wife, Merida."
Shining, remembering that in this reality he'd never met Tydal's wife, bowed his head slightly. "Ma'am."
"Such a charmer, Tydal... I see why you like to pick on him." Merida gave him a grin that reminded the former stallion that in their world Merida was half shark. “I could just gobble him up.”
“There is only one man you are allowed to wrap around your lips, my queen,” Tydal said.
“Is that a threat?”
“A promise.”
“Cheeky boy.”
“You know it.”
Shining sighed. “I hate it when you two flirt.”
"Who are you?" a pink-haired girl asked. She had suddenly appeared beside Shining and was practically bouncing up and down with glee at meeting a new person. She wore a pink and blue t-shirt with a picture of a seal on it and a mini skirt that showed off her green legs. "You’re a friend of my dad? How old are you? How tall are you? Do you like pie, because I do! What's your sign? What do you wish your sign was? What is the terminal velocity of an unladen swallow? Why are you carrying that girl around? Will you carry me around? It looks like fun, why don't you-AAACK!"
Misty grabbed the girl, who was clearly her twin even if their personalities, much like their clothing, were completely different, and dragged her away. "Coral, sit!"
Coral looked down at her three inch platform shoes and sighed. "Aw, but I want to play with the new guy! Come on Misty, be a pal... please?"
"No."
"Please!"
"Please?" Coral begged, blinking her eyes rapidly.
"No."
"Aw, come on!"
"Girls," Merida warned, Coral and Misty instantly sitting down and behaving; when Merida asked you to do something, you did it. Nodding to herself, she gestured towards the chair across from hers and Tydal’s. Shining dumped Cadence in it, clamping one hand on the skittish girl's shoulder while passing her a bear claw with the other. "Tell me, Shining Armor, what are you doing here and who is the girl you are forcing not to flee?"
"She is Cadence and we are here to get her a makeover."
"But if you are all waiting we can come back later!" Cadence said quickly, only to be forced to sit back down when she attempted to rise.
"What are all of you doing here?" Shining asked.
"My husband here," Merida gently jabbed Tydal in the side with her elbow, the sea god not even pausing in his wolfing down of his pastry, "decided to befriend a high school student and give her a makeover. I, being an intelligent woman, decided to accompany him to make sure he wasn't lying to me and he remembered that I was the only woman for me.”
“As if I could forget, what with you getting me to scream your name every night.”
“I’ll make you scream many things, darling.”
“I’d like to see you try.”
“I’d like to see you resist.”
“Gag me,” Misty muttered.
"Why are you helping this girl out, Tydal?" Shining asked.
"She is being bullied at school and I took it upon myself to help her pretty herself up and then seek revenge on her enemies. I already found an instructional guide." He held up the book he had been reading before Shining entered.
Misty rolled her eyes. "Father, for the fifth time, that is not a guide book, it is the novel "Pretty Little Liars"."
"... so I shouldn't begin revealing girls secrets over Twitter under the penname of A?"
Before Tydal could answer, Sunset Shimmer emerged from the back of the salon. "How do I look? she asked, flashing a slight smile.
Merida blinked. "You... you look-"
"The exactly bloody same as you did when you went back there! What the hell?"
Sunset nervously fingered her hair. "The stylist said she didn't want to get too dramatic."
"For the money I am paying her she should be bold and daring!"
The stylist emerged, nervously biting her lip as she ran her black fingers through her blue hair. "I... I didn't want to go over the top..."
"CHRYSALIS?!?" Shining and Tydal shouted.
The stylist blushed. "Yes... but please, don't be so loud." The black-skinned woman blushed. "I hate drawing attention to myself."
"...ok, I've had enough of this!" Tydal grabbed Cadence's chair and dragged it to the center of the room; he then snapped his fingers and motioned for his daughters to bring over two more chairs, which Chrysalis and Sunset promptly sat in. "Merida, put up the CLOSED sign."
"Hey!" Lotus and Aloe shouted in unison. "You can't-"
"Cram it," Tydal snarled. He waved his hand at the three girls, his family and Shining moving to join him. "It seems we are going to have to take drastic measures to fix you three."
"Do I even know you?" Chrysalis complained, only to get a withering look sent her way. "Nevermind."
Tydal (grabbing a broom and pointing it at the frightened girls, gesturing for them to try putting on some makeup) Let's get down to business To making you all cool. If you listen to what we say You’ll make any man drool
Merida (shaking her head in disgust at seeing the girls lame attempt to put on makeup.) You're the saddest bunch I ever met But you can bet before we're through Ladies, we’ll make a babe Out of you.
Shining (Walking with his head held high while Coral and Misty help the girls with their makeup) Men want a lady When they walk down the streets
Tydal (Smirking as Merida grabs him from behind and kisses his neck) But once you are at the house They need a freak in the sheets
Merida (pulling away from Tydal and jabbing her finger at the girls) You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot And you haven't got a clue.
Misty (raising an eyebrow as the girls begin to try on some of the clothing Merida brought) Wow mom, that is harsh even for you.
Cadence (examining some lacy underwear) I'm never gonna get the hang of this
Sunset (Trying on bulky sweater, only for Coral to rip it away) This all just doesn’t seem like me
Chrysalis (looking down at the sheer blouse Tydal gave her) Isn’t this top a little too low cut?
Shining Tydal’s got them scared to death
Misty Hope he doesn't do this to me
Coral I’m not scared, I’m already a slut!
Merida and Tydal CORAL!
Coral What?
Merida and Tydal (grabbing some more clothing and tossing it to the girls. As they try it on Tydal pins Merida to the wall and begins to run his hands along her sides) BE A BABE You must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
Shining (Pulling Tydal and Merida apart before things can go to far) This entire song Seems a bit contrived!
Tydal (pulling out his knife, rage in his eyes as Merida walks away laughing) Cock-block me again And you won’t survive.
Coral Daddy can we get McDonalds?
Tydal Maybe when we are all done.
Coral Oh good I love their ball pits They are fun!
Cadence, Chrysalis, and Sunset (Emerging in their new outfits. Cadence dressed in a tight babydoll tee and lowcut jeans, Chrysalis in a green blouse and black holey jeans, and Sunset wearing her leather jacket. All three look sultry and sexy. Tydal, his family, and Shining gives them thumbs up.) BE A BABE We must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
All (Tydal wraps his arms around Chrysalis and Sunset while Shining offers his arm to Cadence as they leave the salon) BE A BABE We must be swift as a coursing river BE A BABE With all warmth of a night in June BE A BABE With all the heat of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
“HEY!” Aloe shouted. “Who’s paying this bill?”
“…cheese it!” Coral screamed, the group running away.
"...I just want to wish you both good luck... we're all counting on you."
Ted Striker looked over at Elaine and grinned, unable to believe that he had managed to land the plane. He knew that Kramer was against him, no matter what the windbag tried to say now over the radio, but the fact that he had conquered the demons brought on by the war (including the memory of George Zip) meant that a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders... and that his drinking problem might finally be over (oh, how he longed to drink some water like a normal man!).
There was only one issue that faced Ted as Elaine went out to help get the sick passengers off the plane.
He was not Ted.
"Well done Sam!" the holographic image of a man with slicked backed hair and a loud jacket proclaimed.
"Thanks Al!" Sam Beckett said. "What does Ziggy say about all this... what happens to Ted?"
"Well... hmmm..." Al's brow furrowed. "Well, believe it or not, Sam, it looks like Ted will be landing another plane... in space."
"You're kidding me."
"Yeah, but don't worry about it... I think you aren't going to be around to see it." Even as he said the words, Al could tell that his friend was leaping to the next adventure...
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hey... hey!"
Sam blinked, his head killing him. No matter how many times he leapt into a new body the sensation never became common. He reached up and rubbed his eyes, getting the grit and grime out, before looking at his surroundings.
The instant he saw them he wondered if he'd hit his head harder than he thought.
"She's awake, everypony!" a pink pony with a fluffy pink mane proclaimed. "Girls, she's awake!"
An orange pony appeared in Sam's field of vision. "Ya had us all worried there, sugar cube! When ya took that tumble we all thought you were a goner!"
"Wha?" Sam said, reaching up to rub his eyes again... only to stare in shock at the blue foreleg that waved in front of his face. He turned to his right, staring past the other ponies and taking in his new self: blue skin, rainbow colored mane... wings.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 17: Pony Little Liars
"Shining, everyone is staring at me," Cadence whispered, tugging on the hem of her pink baby doll tee. She wished it was much, much baggier, as the garment, as it currently was, clung to her curves and let everyone see her ample bosom and tight stomach. She glanced around nervously at all the looks she was getting from the almost every male student (except for the LGTB Club's stallions... but all the girls who were licking their licks and making kissy faces at her more than made up for the lack of guys in that group). Cadence wasn't ashamed of her body and was rather proud that she was not only smart but also beautiful... but she wasn't use to others staring at her like this.
Shining just hugged her a bit closer and the pink-skinned woman found some of her nerves fade away at the closeness he offered her. "Don't worry, sweetheart, they are just staring because they like what they see." he leaned over and kissed her on the check. "Trust me, you are absolutely beautiful."
"I hope the you from this dimension likes this new me as much as you do," she said as she led him to a secluded sitting area.
"I'm sure he... wait, what?"
Cadence whipped around, a saucy smile on her lips as she stared down the shocked frat boy. "You honestly thought I didn't realize that you were a different person?" When he weakly nodded she blew a raspberry. "Puh-lease! I knew last night that you much have switched bodies with this world's Shining Armor." She playfully tapped her foot and Shining found himself feeling a mixture of horror (that his secret had been found out) and thrill (at the sight of Cadence acting like HIS Cadence). "Do you honestly think I am the type of girl who would sleep with someone and not know they were someone else?"
"But...what?!" Shining finally managed to get out.
"Shining, I am a geek, remember? I've watched Sliders a hundred times and my favorite episodes of Star Trek are the ones where they use the holideck. You being a different Shining... yeah, that isn't even a blip on my radar."
Shining sat down on a park bench, mulling over her worlds. "Am... am I really that different from my counterpart?" He had visions of this world's Shining being a jerk... a rude frat boy who insulted women and used them for his own selfish gain and never put the toilet seat down-
"You are exactly the same," Cadence said, sitting down and wrapping an arm around him. "Granted, I haven't had a ton of time to interact with this world's Shining Armor since I babysat Twilight, but what I have seen shows me you two are exactly the same. I think this world is a mirror world, where destinies remain almost the same save for a few minor changes."
"So in other worlds... it wasn't cheating when I slept with you."
Cadence gave a very... well, to Shining, a very Cadence-like laugh. "Please! From what I've been able to gather about the other me she won't even blink if you gave her pictures."
Shining considered this, glad to know he hadn't broken his vows. "Wait, if your Shining and I are so similar... how did you figure out I wasn't him?"
"Well..."
~The Night Before~
They had only paused in their lovemaking for a moment to allow Shining a chance to use the restroom. Cadence tiptoed to the bathroom door and was surprised when she didn't hear the tale-tell sounds of someone taking a tinkle.
"Calm down,Shining Armor," the frat boy said. "Just because you've switched bodies with a human that looks like you doesn't mean you need to freak out. You've done sex before, despite what Tydal has told your friends and family... now you get in there and plow this dimension's version of your wife." Shining began to slap himself in the face. "Stop being a pussy, Shining!" he snarled to himself, mimicking Tydal's voice. "Come on, Captain Armor, go in there and do her!"
"But I'm scared," Shining said in a quiet whine.
"I don't care!" Shining-as-Tydal snarled. "I will hoofpunch you and that evil muffin of yours if you don't go in there and DO HERE!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"...well, look at the time," Shining said, trying to make his escape, only for Cadence to grab his arm and drag him across the quad, her head resting on his shoulder.
~MC~MC~MC~
"So, why are you stalking these teenagers?" Chrysalis asked, filing her nails down to razor-sharp points. She'd really gotten into the whole 'be a sexy evil villainess' thing; she'd quit her job and gotten a position at the college as their new drama professor (she'd told Tydal it was so she could have her own loyal minions). She looked up from her work, watching as Tydal and Sunset Shimmer cast glanced over at a table that held five teenage girls. They were seated outside an ice cream parlor, their treats finished and their focus now on the teenagers. "Isn't one enough?"
Tydal snorted. "I am not looking for that... who do I look like, Mosely Orange?" He subtly gestured towards the other table. "Those are the girls that pick on Sunset all the time. She is family-"
"-we still haven't found a shred of proof that I'm Celestia's daughter," Sunset reminded him.
"-and family sticks together." Tydal rose from his sweat and smirked. "Now, I will go introduce myself, using my position as dean of the local college-"
"To get them to have sex with you while secretly filming it and then you will put the footage online?" Chrysalis guessed.
"WHAT?!?!" Tydal snapped. "By my Mother, that is sick."
"...so are ya going to do it or not, darling?" Chrysalis purred.
Tydal walked away in disgust.
"Hmmm, being a bitch is certainly more fun that being a weak-willed wallflower," the new drama professor said casually.
"Hello, girls," Tydal said as he approached the table where Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity sat. "My name is-"
"DATE RAPE!" Rarity screamed, spraying Tydal with mace.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" the gray dean roared, falling to the ground and clawing at his eyes.
"Geez, Rarity, ya need to calm down there a touch," Applejack said.
"Yeah, Rarity, what if ya had hit one of us!" Rainbow complained while Pinkie took the mace and sprayed it on her ice cream sundae.
"WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME!?!" Tydal screamed in agony.
~10 Minutes Later~
"You ok?" Sunset asked the moaning Tydal.
"Yeah... thanks for peeling my eyelids back and pouring milk in my eye sockets; I think that really helped." Tydal shook his head in frustration; the five girls had left shortly after macing him... as had everyone else. "Lousy teenagers, macing me like that... I should visit 10 plagues upon their houses!"
"You see, it's things like that which make us question your sanity," Chrysalis stated.
"We need a better plan," Sunset said with a huff.
"What if we killed every first born male child in every household?" Chrysalis asked, admiring her now clawed-hands.
"... to Jewish," Sunset decided.
"What if we work up a #6 on them," Tydal offered.
"I'm not familiar with a #6," Sunset said.
The gray-skinned dean smirked. "That's where we ride in, whomping and whipping everything that moves within an inch of its life."
Sunset grimaced. "...so, I think I am going to just bake some cupcakes made with laxative..."
Tydal stood up, his face twisted in a mask of fury. "I know how to deal with those five! Starting with the white one!" He rubbed his hands together in glee. "I'll turn her into a flea... a harmless little flea."
"What?" Sunset said in confusion.
"And I'll put that flea in a box!" Tydal reached over and grabbed a small box, pantomiming putting an imaginary flea in it. "Then, I'll put that box in another box..." Tydal did just that, then waved over a tall, beautiful blonde mailwoman. "And I'll mail that box to myself!" He gave the box to the mailwoman. He grabbed a muffin and handed it to her. "And here is a tip. Derpy."
"Yay!" Derpy said happily, taking the box and walking away.
"Tydal, what are you-"
"Then, when the box arrives..." Tydal said just as Derpy spun around and brought him the box.
"Package!" she giggled.
"Thank you, here is your tip." Snatching another muffin, he gave it to Derpy before putting the box on the table. "And when it arrives... I SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!" He lifted up a sledge hammer and destroyed the box (and their table) in one mighty swing.
"... too Emperor's New Groove," Sunset stated.
"I wondered why you brought that hammer."
Tydal snorted, sitting back down and crossing his arms over his chest. "Fine! We'll just send them a bunch of text and e-mails to make them think their friends are sabotaging everything you like."
Sunset grinned, pulling out her phone. "Yeah... this plan I can get behind."
"I still like my flea one," Tydal pouted.
~One Day Later...~
"What did you tell them?" Shining asked as he and Tydal stepped towards the Mirror of Worlds. It was a long, convoluted tale of how Shining had found the mirror, so let's just say it was under his bed.
"Just that I was going for a walk," Tydal said, looking a little glum. "I'm gonna miss Sunset... she's so delightfully vicious now. You should see some of the lies she tweeted or texted or whatever it is teens do here. Simply brilliant."
"I'm sure," Shining said, rolling his eyes. "And you wrote out your notes?"
Tydal patted the notebook in his pocket. He'd come up with the theory that the two of them had merely displayed the Shining and Tydal of this world and that once they stepped through the mirror their other selves would take back control of their bodies. Fearing that his alternate self wouldn't remember Cadence, Shining had suggested writing notes to themselves, explaining the situation and acting like the whole thing had been a case of mild amnesia. They hoped that the them from this world would continue on... Shining dating Cadence and Tydal mentoring Sunset and Chrysalis.
"What do you think the girls have been doing since we've been gone?" Shining asked as they prepared to step through the mirror.
"Knowing them? Probably getting their hair done and getting back massages."
~Meanwhile, in the Pony Universe...~
"I... I keep telling you, I don't know what happened to them!"
Celestia glared at the Harry Beaver, owner of the Antique Shop they'd been in when Shining and Tydal had disappeared. When it was clear that their brother and the captain were not coming right back, Celestia and Luna had shut the shop down, strapped the beaver in a chair and begun their interrogation.
That was three days ago.
"See, I really wish you'd tell me the truth," Celestia said in a bored tone, idly pacing in front of him. "Otherwise things are going to get rough."
"Yeah!" Luna screamed in his ear. "Rough as in me roughing up your face!"
"You... you can play good cop/bad cop all you want, it still won't help!" the beaver wailed.
"We aren't playing good cop/bad cop," Celestia said, trotting around him and wearing a huge smirk on her face. "We are playing good cop/bad cop/slutty cop."
"Good cop/bad... what do you-AAAAAACCCKKK!!" The beaver flailed as Cadence leapt onto him, her back legs wrapped around his waist as she began to grind against him chest. She crossed her legs and snarled as she squeezed. The sounds of bones creaking and cracking filling the air as Cadence threw back her head and moaned. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"I'd start talking," Chrysalis said from her spot watching the Magic Mirror. "Cadence's leg muscles are so well developed she can turn coal into diamonds."
"Give us something to work with or we'll have her straddle your head!" Luna roared.
"What do you want from me?" Harry Beaver whined the moment Cadence eased up.
"I WANT MY TYDAL BACK!" Luna screamed, tears in her eyes. Celestia hurried over and nuzzled her as her little sister sobbed. "I want him back, I want him back!"
"I know it is a line from that 'Princess Bride' movie you two love..." the girls whipped around as Shining and Tydal emerged from the mirror, "...but as you wish."
"Tydal!" Celestia cried out.
"DADDY!" Luna screamed, tackling the old goat and hugging him tight.
"So undignified and rough and..." Chrysalis shook her head. "Ah, screw it. TYDAL!" She leapt forward, glomping the sea god.
"Shining!" Cadence squealed, getting off the beaver and hurrying over to her husband, peppering his face with kisses. "I knew you would be back!"
"So did I!" the evil muffin said moments before Shining knocked him out a window.
"Where did you go?" Celestia asked.
"It was so strange," Shining said. "You were there... and you were there-"
"NO!" the rest of the group screamed.
"None of that," Celestia said sternly. "Shame on you."
"So... where were you?" Luna asked Tydal, refusing to stop hugging him.
"Could you untie me please?" Harry Beaver asked.
"It was a strange place," Tydal stated. "As Shining was alluding to, many of the ponies we knew were there but in altered forms." He grinned as he thought of one particular pony. "I did meet Celestia's daughter."
"Wait, I have a daughter? I thought all my kids were dead."
"This one wasn't."
Celestia's eyes went wide and she began to happily canter through the shop. "I have a daughter."
"Seriously, I would love to be let down," Harry Beaver whined.
"Oh, I can't believe I have a daughter... one I can actually spend time with! We'll do each other's manes and gossip about boys and bond over our monthly bleeding cycles!"
Luna glanced at Shining. "You aren't going to sleep with this one, are you?"
The yellow pegasus merely continued to work on the potion she'd gotten from Zecora; it needed to be stirred just right or else it would spoil. The bubbling caldron let out hisses and pops as she moved the wooden spoon through the viscous liquid. Twilight and Hairy were struggling against the tight ropes Fluttershy had bound them with, trying desperately to escape the terrible place they found themselves in.
Actually, if one wanted to be truthful, it wasn't that terrible at all. In fact, it was rather nice; Fluttershy had rented a room at the Four Seasons for this little kidnapping. They each had their own bed (Fluttershy claiming it wouldn't be right for her and Twilight to share a bed till after they were married), and the balcony gave them an impressive view of Neighagra Falls. The staff had been very nice, serving them all breakfast in bed, providing complimentary plush bathrobes and even giving them each a massage (how that one stallion had managed to work out all the kinks in Twilight's back, despite the fact that she was tied up, she never knew). All and all it was a lovely vacation... save for the fact that they had been kidnapped by a quiet pegasus who wanted to use a potion to get Twilight to fall in love with her.
"I wish these ropes weren't enchanted," Hairy said, struggling to break free.
"I wish I'd taken up Fluttershy's offer to go to the bathroom before we began all this," Twilight said, regretting that second cup of coffee she'd had (which was odd... Twilight never drank two cups of coffee at home...)
Fluttershy smiled to herself as she ladled out some of the potion. "Don't worry Twilight, now that I've added the roofies my magic brew is ready. One sip and you and I can be together forev-"
"STOP!"
Fluttershy frowned, looking at Twilight... who had been the one to cry out stop. "Yes?"
"Uh..." Twilight weakly grinned.
When the alicorn could think of nothing Fluttershy continued on her approach, the ladle of potion hanging out, inches from Twilight's lips.
"STOP!"
This time it wasn't Twilight who called out to them. The three of them turned, their jaws dropping.
"Big Macintosh!?!"
"Eeyup," the stallion said, trotting over to them through the opened door (Fluttershy knew she should have locked that). "Can't let ya go through with this, Shy."
"I won't let you stop me, Big Macintosh, sir." Fluttershy blinked, then blushed. "Oh! I hope that wasn't too forceful."
"T'wasn't, Shy, but I still can't let ya go on. This ain't right."
Twilight nodded. "Thank you! I've been trying to-"
"Quiet, homewrecker!" Big Mac snapped, before drawing Fluttershy close (and failing to notice Twilight's confused look). "Fluttershy... I've stood by and obeyed them fancy brain doctors’ orders but no more! They told me I had ta let ya'r brain heal on its own, to not force the issue, but its been three years... I'm sorry, darlin', but I can’t hold my tongue anymore!"
And with that, he kissed her hard.
"Wow," Hairy said in surprise as Fluttershy struggled for a moment before giving in to the hair-curling kiss.
Fluttershy pulled away and blinked. A look of amazement and wonder crossed her features, as if she had been blind and at long last could see. She looked up at the large red stallion and brushed her hoof along his cheek. "I... I remember... we were going to the Running of the Leaves... there was that chariot crash... Mac, I remember!"
Big Macintosh's eyes shimmered with tears. "And... ya remember me?"
"Of... of course I do..." She stroked his check and sniffed, ashamed of herself and her actions. "How could I have ever forgot you, my wonderful husband?"
"WHAT?!?!" Twilight and Hairy screamed.
"What a twist!" Wall Breaker said as he walked by the open hotel room door.
"Breaker!" Misty called out from the room next door, "come back to bed!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 18: I Praise the Rains Down in Zebrica
"Me Cadence... Cadence..."
"What is your wife doing now?" Luna asked, taking a sip from her flask. After Tydal and Shining had returned from the crazy human world (which Chrysalis repeatedly swore should have an entire movie made about it with songs and everything) the group had decided to really buckle down and focus on the task of getting back to Equestria and preventing Tydal's army from ravaging the land with blood and death.
To that end, they had stolen the Mirror of Worlds as well as the antique shop's cash register. The purloined bits had been then used, thanks to Celestia's bargaining skips, to purchase a small amphibious chariot. The plan was for them take the boat down the many rivers, passing through Beavaria and the Inland Sea before reaching Zebrica. There, it was a quick zip down the Nile to reach the ancient palace of Zebrabay, home of Zeena, the Lady of Zebrica, goddess of the earth... and Tydal's big sister. Tydal had assured them that Zeena would be able to reach Zecora, who would, in turn, contact Twilight and Merida and work out a temporary truce until Tydal could return to his Keep and end the threat once and for all.
Surprisingly... the plan was working flawlessly. Tydal was the slowest of them all when he was in on dry land; he had agility, of course, but not speed. In the water, however, he had no equal, and had agreed to let them hitch him to the aquatic chariot, his godly strength allowing him to pull the vehicle easily. Shining had been thrilled, as it meant Tydal spent almost the entire trip under the water, snapping up fish and leaving him to sunbath. What few times he needed a break would see Chrysalis transform into a capricorn and take over, ensuring that the sixsome never had a moment they weren't rushing towards the palace.
"Cadence... me Cadence..."
Shining sighed as he watched his wife. "She's trying to teach that monkey to speak English."
"Question," Chrysalis said, raising her hoof. "Why do you call it English?"
"Huh?"
"This language... why English? What is an English? Shouldn't it be named Ponyese or something?" The changeling queen gestured towards Tydal. "I know our brother speaks Capricornia, which, along with Griffish, is the basis for Trottingham accents... and I speak changelese." Chrysalis threw back her head and let out a squeaking, chirping call. "But why English?"
"It is named after English Muffin, the first pony to ever catalogue our dialect," Celestia stated from her spot at the bow.
"...again, what is this English? I mean, who looked at a muffin and decided it should be randomly called 'English'?"
~Thousands of Years Ago~
"Thank you Doctor for helping me birth my son!" the tired mare panted.
The Doctor tried best not to throw up. "You’re... welcome." He had tried to tell them he wasn't a medical doctor but none of them would listen. “Sorry I threw up so much.”
"Would you like to name him?" the mare asked.
The time lord puffed up a bit, his sickness forgotten. "I'd... I'd be honored. Let's call him-"
"English Muffin!" Derpy said happily, holding the foal up for all to see.
"...what?" the Doctor said. "Why would you-"
"He looks like an English Muffin, doesn't he?"
"...no, he doesn't!" the Doctor exclaimed, but one glance at the new mother proved his arguments would be in vain.
~MC~MC~MC~
"So, how far are we on our journey?" Celestia asked, turning the map this way and that. "With how fast we've been going I've been unable to figure out what river we're even on."
"Let me check," Luna said, walking over to the front of the boat and flicking one of the lines leading to Tydal's harness, giving him the signal to slow down. As the boat took on a more leisurely pace Luna walked over to the railing and waved to some of the zebras that were gathered by the water's edge, filling their clay jars. "Excuse me, can you tell me what river this is?"
"It isn't a river!" a zebra called out. "It’s a lake."
"No, it’s an ocean!" another said.
"I think it isn't water at all, but a mirage created in the desert," a third said.
Luna frowned. "I am sure it is a river."
"Nope, no it isn't!" the first zebra declared. "So go away, green pony."
"I'm blue."
"No you're not!" the second one said.
"And you aren't a pony either," the third said.
"And I'm not a zebra!"
Luna turned back to her family. "We're on De Nile River."
The all turned when they heard a rim shot. "I taught the monkey to play the drums!" Cadence said happily, gesturing to the monkey (whom she’d named Humpers) and his tiny drum set.
"Ask them if we are anywhere near Zeena's palace," Celestia said.
"Excuse me!" Luna called out. "We are looking for the Lady of Zebrica's Palace. Are we near there?"
"There is no Lady of Zebrica."
"There is a lord though, but he's a turtle," one of the zebras said. "Just like the rest of us."
"And you are definitely NOT a mile upstream from it," the third said.
"Thank you... or screw you... honestly I don't know how to talk in this Bizzaro language." Luna went back to the bow of the ship. "Tydal!"
The capricorn, however, was too busy beating up a crocodile that had thought he was an easy meal. "Stop bludgeoning yourself!" Tydal shouted, striking the croc with the broadside of his fan tail. "Stop bludgeoning yourself!"
"Tydal!" Luna shouted again. "We are a mile from Zeena's palace."
"Right right." Tydal grunted, his tail lashing out and ending the battle. Luna leapt out of the way as the dead croc slammed down on the deck of the boat. "Watch him for me, would you? He is both my dinner and will be new sets of boots for all of us."
"So..." Shining said, eyeing the croc warily, "what should we expect from Zeena?"
Celestia shrugged. "She won't try to kill you, if that is what your worried about. Mother put most of the rage and aggression in Tydal."
"Zeena is... different though," Luna said, tapping her chin. "It’s hard to describe..."
"She makes Cadence look like a nun," Chrysalis said bluntly.
Cadence happily nodding in agreement, Humpers riding on her back. "I spent a month with her between 11th and 12th grade. She taught me everything I know about the secrets of pleasure."
"Wow," Shining said in surprise.
"Before Cadence came along Zeena was the unofficial Goddess of Love," Celestia stated as Tydal pulled the boat down the last mile of the river. "She's currently the Goddess of the Earth and Goddess of Fertility."
"Which is why she has so many kids," Tydal said, leaping out of the water and gracefully landing on the deck next to Shining. The current was now pulling them along and he had no need to be in the water. "So, as hard as this is going to be, do NOT sleep with Cadence unless you want a pink foal in 9 months time."
"11 months," Luna corrected him.
"Whatever." Tydal flicked his tail, sending droplets of water onto the deck. "Now, when we get there let me do the talking... Zeena and her little zebras tend to be skittish around other species and I don't know how they'll react to 4 ponies and a changeling." Tydal grimaced. "Truth be told I don't know how she'll react to seeing me."
"Why do you say that?" Shining asked.
"Well, I was a stone statue for the last 1,500 years. I sent her a warning message that we were coming but... well, we have some old grudges."
"Like the fact that you terrorized her when you were a baby?" Luna asked.
"Yeah, that," Tydal said rubbing the back of his head. "Plus, we disagree on childrearing."
"What do you mean?" Chrysalis asked as the boat began to take the final bend that would lead to Zeena's palace.
"Zeena subscribed to our mother's beliefs on children," Celestia said. "She has had many daughters and son and doesn't really bother to remain close to them. Zecora is the closest and even they have a strained relationship."
"I, on the other hand, believe that little ones need love and guidance," Tydal stated.
Shining let out a snort. "I can't believe you of all creatures is the one that subscribes to good parenting philosophies."
"Still waters run deep, Shining," Tydal stated, moving to the bow. "Alright, here comes her palace... if you see her zebras wielding spears get down and let Celestia and I deal with-"
"There he is!" a voice called out. "The Lord of the Mareatine lives!"
The sixsome blinked in shock as their boat completed the bend, revealing Zeena's palace. Lining the shores were hundreds of zebras, each waving a flag with Tydal's sigil (a tidal wave) on it. Zebras cheered and a band began to play (it was Flo Rida’s “Wild One”… an interesting choice) as the boat was hooked by several zebras standing on the dock. They dragged the vessel to shore and the cheers grew even louder as Tydal, Celestia, Luna, Shining, Cadence and Chrysalis disembarked.
"Well, they certainly seem shy," Shining said as zebras came up and placed necklaces made out of smoothed pieces of wood around their necks. A little zebra filly, barely old enough to no longer be called a foal, ran up to Tydal and hugged his legs, giggling in delight. The war god, though confused, reached down and placed her on his back, letting the little one play with his fin as he trotted up the steps of the palace.
"My queen," a royal cryer called out, "may I present your brother, Lord Tydal of the Mareatine, God of the Sea and God of War, Master of the Capricorn Race, Father of Coral, Misty, Celestia and Luna, the Bane of Discord, and Cursing Champion of Equestria."
Tydal strolled into the audience chamber, his family only a step behind. Zeena's palace was made of gray rock that had become moss covered over the centuries. Vines twisted up the columns and tuffs of grass wormed their way through the cracks in the stone floor. Overhead parts of the ceiling had crumbled, allowing light to pierce the chamber and create pools of light. There was an ancient feel to that place, as if it were some lost tomb that had only recently been discovered. Even the air felt heavy.
The Lady of Zebrica rested upon a throne made from the twisted, ancient branches of a plains tree, a few green leaves proving that the old bark still held some life in it. Her mane was twisted into a series of high braids that stuck striaght up from her head, each one wrapped in gold and ended with a tuff of black hair. Her tail was braided must as a school filly might braid their friend's tail, save for the fact that Zeena's tail had jewels and bits of gold woven into it. Upon her legs she wore some golden hoops and a set of metal bands were placed around her neck. Though she bore no traditional cutie mark her dark stripes seemed to form upon her flank the image of a tree rising through a crown.
"Tydal..." Zeena said, her voice deep yet feminate.
"Zeena," Tydal said with a slight nod. "You still owe me five bits. Now, considering the rate of inflation-"
Zeena leapt forward, hugging him tight and refusing to let go. It was only Tydal's magic that kept him from bucking the zebra filly on his back up into the air. "I... I dreamed of this day, baby brother."
The old goat waited before finally reaching around and patting her on the back. "You really thought Discord could keep me down? He got in a lucky shot... so did I." He pulled her away, looking at her carefully. "Now... why all the pomp and circumstance? I know you don't like me this much."
"You’d be surprised how much can change in a few thousand years... even to those of us that live forever." She paused, considering her words carefully. "But... you are correct." She glanced over at the others. "I need your help."
"Alright, is everyone settled?" Twilight asked, looking around the Four Seasons' conference room. It had taken some doing but the newly minted alicorn had been able to get Rarity, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash (who kept muttering about someone named 'Al'), Fluttershy and Big Macintosh (who were cuddling in a corner), Applejack, Applebloom, Granny Smith, Spike (who had received a magical spank on the bottom for abandoning her), Hairy Grabber, and Princess Misty and Wall Breaker (who were only there because they'd overheard everything). The staff of the hotel had set up some coffee and pastries for them and everyone except for Pinkie was enjoying them (Pinkie had taken one look at the pastries and declared them an ‘affront against nature’ since they were store bought).
That, of course, didn’t keep her down for too long.
"Wow, Twilight, this is some theme party!" Pinkie said with glee. "I've never been to a 'Serious Meeting' Party!" Pinkie's hair instantly deflated and she tugged on her chest, ripping her coat away to reveal a fine black suit underneath. She shuffled some papers and gravely said, "Blah blah blah with the budget."
“AAAAAAA!!!” Rarity screamed, batting away the scraps of Pinkie’s coat that had landed on her head.
"This isn't... never mind." Twilight leaned forward, her gaze sweeping over each and every one of them. "I just found out that some pretty big lies have been told to me and I want some answers."
"FOREVER!" Pinkie shouted, only to blush seconds later. "Oh, sorry, I thought she was going to set me up for that."
"I want to truth... now!" Twilight snapped.
"I admit it!" Rarity exclaimed, pressing a foreleg to her forehead. "I'm the one that convinced Joining Lemon to leave the Beatles! I thought he could better use his talents to help the world through abstract music and sleep ins but-"
"Not that," Twilight said, cutting of the overly-dramatic confession. "I am talking about how Fluttershy and Big Macintosh are married and NONE of you mentioned a word of it to me!" She slammed her hoof down on the table. “Three years! Three years we’ve known each other and you never said a word!”
“Like you never mentioned your brother?” Fluttershy asked.
“Just like… shut up.”
Misty leaned over to Wall Breaker. “I can’t wait to kill them all.”
“I can’t wait for Dan Harmon to fix Community,” Wall Breaker stated.
Twilight glared at her friends. “You lied to me… all of you! You lied right to my face!”
“I didn’t!” Spike said. “I just abandoned you!”
Twilight turned to Pinkie. “You can say ‘FOREVER’ now.”
“Meh, I’m not really feeling it,” Pinkie said.
"Well," Applejack said weakly, flashing a reluctant smile, "it’s not like we didn't want to, sugarcube. It’s just them fancy brain doctors said that we had to be careful when dealin' with Fluttershy, lest her amnesia cause brain damage or somethin'. It was mighty hard lyin' too ya, but we all care about Fluttershy and didn't want to set her back."
Applebloom nodded. "And it wasn't like we enjoyed this, Miss Twilight! I missed talkin' to my Aunt Fluttershy and hated pretendin' she was a strange pony we'd only just met!" Fluttershy reached over and gave the filly a hug.
"And then there is the fact that she and Mac are your parents," Granny Smith said to Applebloom.
"No we aren't," Big Mac said in confusion, the others nodding in agreement.
"Granny, ya need to stop listenin' to the Cakes," Applejack said with a snort.
"And let’s face it, Twilight, if we had told ya Fluttershy had been all Forgetshy, you'd have strapped her to one of those crazy machines in your basement and tried to solve the mystery yourself!" Pinkie nodded her head rapidly. "No offense, but when you go on a tear it can get scary!"
Twilight sighed, wings fluttering slightly. There was no use in arguing that point, as they all knew it was true. "Ok, you might have a point. Still, I wish you would have shown a bit of trust in me."
"Ain't nothin' about trust, Miss Twilight!" Applebloom said. "We just had to listen to them fancy doctors."
"Isn't the important thing that I finally remember my wonderful Mac?" FLuttershy said softly, nuzzling her husband. "Now we can get on with our lives!"
"I... suppose so." Her brow twitched slightly. "You... you two aren't Scootaloo's parents, are you?" At the blank stares she got Twilight shrugged. "It isn't the Cakes this time. Derpy had this theory..."
"That wasn't true, Twilight," Spike reminded her. "If it was, then the ninjas that were trying to prevent Scootaloo from getting her parents together would-"
The door of the conference room burst open and a figure dressed all in black rushed in, a pair of sai on her hips and a set of nunchucks on her back.
"Ninja!" Pinkie screamed, flailing her arms. "She's after me lucky charms!"
The ninja blinked and removed her hood, causing Twilight to gasp. "Zecora?!"
"I am sorry if I caused a fright, but I have a costume party later tonight."
"Oh, is that Fleur's party?" Rarity asked excitedly. "I'm going to that too!" She leaned in to Rainbow Dash. "I am going as a peacock."
"Of that we can later speak, but for now it is Misty I seek."
The princess of the capricorns stood up. "Hello, cousin."
"Cousin?" Twilight exclaimed. "Since when is Zecora your cousin?"
"Since always," Misty stated. She turned to the zebra. "You never told them you were the Princess of Zebrica?"
"It seems wrong at a glance, but I simply never had a chance."
Twilight spun around, jabbing her hoof at the others. "Ok, who else is related to each other? Seriously, I want to know NOW!"
"Well, Applejack and I are third cousins," Rarity said. "Pinkie is 5th, if I am correct."
“And Rainbow and I are stepsisters,” Fluttershy said. She shook her head. “That was a strange Los Pegasus trip…”
Pinkie nodded her head happily. "Also, I'm the duchess of Dragixo, but I don't have the paperwork to back that up."
"To interrupt is something I hate, but I must talk to Misty before it’s too late."
"What's the problem?" Misty asked.
"This message my mother asked me to gives... your father isn't dead... he lives!"
Misty blinked in shock. "My... my father is alive?"
"He himself asked... you know what, I'm tried of talking like this." Zecora sat down and helped herself to a cup of coffee, ignoring the stares from the ponies that weren’t away that her rhyming was a choice and not something she always did. "Your father, along with Princess Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, as well as Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis-"
"Who’s Chrysalis?” Twilight asked (and if she had known the changeling queen’s name she would have begun panicing).
"-are all alive. Your father has decreed that the Doomsday Scenerio is to be put on hold."
"As Princess of the Mareatine it is within my power to act in my father's sted. The Doomsday Scenerio is halted."
All the ponies let out a sigh of relief.
"Except for the Canterlot Elite," Zecora said with a slight smirk, taking a sip of coffee. "He stated they are to be eliminated anyway… the sooner the better."
"What?" Twilight screeched. "Why?"
"For shits and giggles," Zecora said with a shrug.
Misty smirked, her tail thrashing back and forth. "Oh, daddy remembered my birthday was coming up!"
"Huh," Wall Breaker said, "I thought we were wrapping up this plotpoint but I guess there is still a bit more to go."
"I'd like to point out that I am just a simple clothing marker, yo" Rarity said nervously, not liking the way Misty was staring at her. She quickly reverted to her Neigh Jersey accent. "I ain't no elite, dawg. Just makin' some bling bling, ya dig?"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 20: Voyage of the Wavechaser
"There," Zeena said to Shining, the telegraph-zebra in front of them finishing up with the final bit of the message, "the message has been sent to Zecora."
"Good," Shining said with a firm nod, double-checking to make sure not a single word had been missent. "Now we can get down to brass tacks."
"I am disappointed that you view me with so little trust. I am a goddess... I gave you my word that I would send the message of Tydal's survival to my Zecora. Why did you insist I do it now and force us to delay action that would aid my herd?"
Shining didn't show the least bit of regret for his decision. "Because I've been on two of these road trips and I know how easily you deities get sidetracked. Some other danger or problem would have come up and instead of sending the message you would have run off to do something else. No... I wanted it sent now so I didn't have the worry about it." The rest of his group had been in firm agreement; even Tydal, who had reminded them all that Zeena had a bad habit of making poor decisions and guessing wrong (such as when she had decided to try an all-cheese diet). "Besides, unless your zebras are facing a horde of capricorns that are going to brutally slaughter them... your problem wasn’t as big as ours."
Zeena led the captain back to the main chambers, shaking her head. A great wooden table had been placed in the center of the room and piled on high were all manner of Zebrican dishes. Different long grass salads and breads lined one side while exotic fruits (to the Equestrians, at least) were on the other side. Servants trotted around the room, offering different platters to the guests.
It was a strange group that had gathered. There were some of Zeena's daughters and sons, each vying to be the certain of attention. A few representatives from the nearby herds (Zeena ruled them all but there were still heads… much like the mayors of cities) chatted with each other, discussing the peace treaties with the lion prides and the hyena packs. Chrysalis was holding court with some zebra shamens, demonstrating her transformation skills while Luna and Celestia greeted Zeena's director of foreign affairs. Cadence was lounging on golden couch, letting an antelope feed her grapes. Tydal was by himself in a corner, a roaring fire going as he cooked his crocodile. The others, though at first wanting to greet the brother of their Lady, now gave him a wide berth as he applied seasoning to the croc.
Shining heard a giggle and watched as the zebra filly that had attached herself to the war god darted out from behind him, gibbering as all young fillies do. Tydal, much to the surprise of many, merely smiled and watched her dance about, stomping his hoof in approval at all the right moments and praising her when she did something she felt was amazing. The party had clearly decided to let him have his own space, giving him a wide berth.
"I fear I've worn out my welcome," Tydal told his older sister as she and Shining approached them. "Your servants and guests have begun to avoid me. It feels like old times."
Zeena smiled weakly. "Brother, they do not avoid you. They know well the misery I felt after your fall and how I longed to see you again, if only for a moment so that I could apologize for all the bad blood between us."
"Some of which was my fault," Tydal stated. "I, at times, was no better than Discord."
"Bite your tongue," Zeena said sternly. "You are nothing like him; your mistakes were merely childish follies, nothing more. I, as the older sibling, should have seen that instead of pushing you away."
Shining shifted awkwardly, feeling like he was intruding on some private moment. Tydal and Zeena continued to talk the way two siblings who had been separated by both time and grudges due. The white stallion leaned down and focused his attention on the zebra filly, making a funny face and earning a peel of laughter from her. He smiled, only to whip his head around when he heard a scoff. He narrowed his eyes, glaring at the servant who walked past, glaring daggers at the filly.
"It isn't Tydal that they have a problem with, is it?" Shining said sternly.
Before Zeena could answer the filly darted forward, running up to the servant that had drifted close to them. She looked up at the zebra mare, flashing a huge smile and holding out her forelegs, wanting one of the treats the mare was carrying. The servant, with a half snarl, lashed out and shoved the filly away, sending the little one tumbling end over end. The filly finally came to a stop against Tydal’s leg.
The next moment the servant found herself slammed into the wall, struggling to breath. A magical glow surrounded her throat and she choked as she struggled to breath. All eyes turned to the one that attacked her, his face clouded over with rage.
"Shining?" Cadence said in shock, leaping from her couch.
The white stallion growled low in his throat, his hair beginning to sizzle as his godly energy was called forth. The ghostly outline of wings could be seen on his back and his eyes blazed with the fires of the rising sun as he glared at the servant. Tydal stood next to him, his focus on the filly who was hugging his leg, trembling in fear. Tydal was fighting every urge to murder all the zebras in the chamber... the only reason he didn't was the knowledge that such an act would frighten the filly. Instead, with an utter gentleness, Tydal leaned down and began to rub his snout against the filly's face, a deep rumble issuing from his chest and soothing the little one. It was only his eyes, darting around the room with a dark, calculating gleam, which alerted anyone that Tydal was still prepared for a sneak attack.
Luna had already darted forward, her trust in her family outweighing the political ramifications. Her horn glowed as she moved to back Tydal up and let him focus on the zebra filly while she watched his flank.
"Captain Armor," Celestia said, old instincts driving her to move and join Luna in standing next to Tydal. Chrysalis and Cadence were next, the mares surrounding Tydal and forming a shield of godly bodies to protect the filly. In ancient times, it would not have been uncommon to see pony mares act in such a way to protect their foals from timberwolves.
Several of the zebra shamans, seeing the aggressive stances of the ponies and fearing this was a sneak attack, took out their staffs and began to twirl them, the ends glowing as they began to summon their magic. Zeena moved to stop them, but still found herself facing a united front. "Tydal," Celestia said, her horn glowing as she prepared a short range teleportation spell, "how is it you couldn't last 5 minutes without causing a fight?"
"It wasn't him," Shining snapped, his magic still holding the struggling servant to the wall.
Zeena let out a long sigh. "Brother..." she turned to Tydal, silently pleading with him to listen.”You know our ways
Tydal raised an eyebrow, then looked down at the little one who had fallen asleep. He used his magic to lift her onto his back while Luna created a dome of magic to protect her. "You still practice it, don't you?"
"Practice what?" Cadence asked in confusion.
Tydal looked at his older sister like she was a piece of rotting meat as he addressed Cadence. "Before I was turned to stone, the biggest argument Zeena and I had was about their practice of passing the sins of the parent onto the child."
"We pass the good and the bad-"
"Shut it," Tydal snapped, any good will he felt for Zeena evaporating like water in the desert. "If one member of a family brings harm to the herd, then the entire family is shunned. The sins of one are passed onto the rest and they are viewed as no different than the one that committed the crime. They are cast out, left to fend for themselves until they find a way to redeem their bloodline. The tribe is encouraged to actively make these shunned ones pay for their imagined crimes. Considering many are quite young..."
Cadence looked at Zeena in disgust, her horn flaring as her own magic joined Shining's. "That is sick."
"It is the way of our kind," Zeena argued, not liking how they were treating her. "When the herd is hurt punishment must be dealt. Unlike you ponies we zebras have led a hard life! Until 200 years ago not a day went by that a lion or a jackal didn't kill us! If the herd is to survive it must be strong... and must be united! We don’t have magic necklaces to protect us… we have only each other and our bond! When that bond is broken by betrayal drastic actions must be taken to ensure the herd survives. No one zebra is greater than the whole!”
"And you unite by making your subjects look over their shoulders in fear?" Celestia asked, her voice as icy cold as an overcast day in December.
“You seek to use fear to keep your herds together, rather than joy. Fear and anger and rage.” Luna shook her head in annoyance.
“Says Nightmare Moon!” a zebra called out.
Luna didn’t rise to the bait. “Yes… says Nightmare Moon… and the most blood thirst capricorn to live. We agree with the goddess of love… that should tell you something.”
"The tribe must be in harmony!" Zeena snapped.
"Harmony?" Shining scoffed. "Pettiness is what I call it."
Zeena glared at him, the ground trembling under his hooves. "Watch how you speak to me, mortal. I have allowed you to make demands of me because I am a good host, but if you take that tone with me again and dare to question my edicts I will seal you within the earth itself."
Cadence's eyes flashed black. "Try it. I will sterilize each and every one of you if you touch my Shiny. No more herd, no more zebras… I will wipe you all out without a care." The zebras shuddered as the most ancient of wisdoms whispered through their minds: beware the nice ones.
"Shining Armor is no mortal," Tydal said darkly, his own eyes flashing. Outside the Nile began to churn. "He is the god of the dawn, captain of the Equestrian army, prince of the Crystal Empire... and my friend." Tydal moved to stand with Shining, ignoring the stallions gob-smacked look at that proclamation. “My family. His enemies are mine. If any of you show him disrespect I will plunge your country into the sea.”
"Darling, might I just say something?" Chrysalis purred, lazily reaching up and flicking her mane over her shoulder. "I am a bug-pony who mind raped a stallion and imprisoned his fiancée in a cave just so I could set up a changeling theme park. I am happily on the chaotic evil side of the flow chart... and even I think this is sick and disgusting." The changeling queen shrugged and used her magic to snare a plate of wheatgrass crackers (she might feed on love but that didn’t mean she couldn’t indulge) . "Food for thought. Continue with your bickering."
"I always wondered if it was wrong of us to not seek you out after Tydal fell," Luna said coldly, her coat darkening as she fought to repress her Nightmare Moon persona. "Thank you... you took a great weight off my shoulders by proving today I was right to ignore you as he did."
"Where is the filly's family?" Tydal said.
"She has none," Zeena said sternly, deciding that, despite her desire to have her brother back she needed to act now as a ruler. It would do no good to give in now; she had to show a strong will if she had any hope of regaining control of the situation. She knew how Tydal felt and should have guessed his family would feel the same way, but in her mind she just knew if they would stop and listen they would see that the zebra-way was the best. "Her father killed her mother."
"So she is made an orphan and your response is to shun her," Celestia said, raising an eyebrow.
"His filthy blood runs through her veins. He murdered a member of the herd… he is banished and the fruit of his loins must work to regain their family’s honor."
"Her only crime is that she was born. It is by no choice of her own who her family is... just as my blood is the same as yours... by no choice of mine." Tydal's horns glowed and he ripped one of the flags that had been so happily waved on his arrival from a pole, wrapping it around the zebra filly like a blanket. "As she has no tribe you will not mind if I take her into mine." He shifted the bundle slightly, the filly letting out a snort as she slept, giggling as the blanket tickled her. “Come on, Giggles.”
"We're leaving," Luna said sternly. "Good luck with whatever you wanted us to deal with, Zeena."
BOOM! All the guests stumbled back, shielding their faces as the great wooden doors of Zeena's main chamber were reduced to kindling. Through the flaming wreckage strode a bearded zebra dressed in a long blue coat with many buttons and shining bits sewn onto it. His face was lined with scars and for every three hooffalls there was the THWUNK of his wooden peg leg striking the stone floor. Two swords were strapped to his sides and on his back sat a tiny gun turret with a parrot sitting inside, aiming the weapon at the surprised guest. A Motley crew of zebras stormed in, swords in their mouths as they rushed about on dirty hooves. The last two pulled in a strange mechanical device and every zebra, pony, changeling and capricorn in the chamber felt as if their magic had deserted them.
"Ar!" the bearded zebra shouted in an overly exaggerated tone, the dark and dramatic mood that had filled the chamber shoved aside and replaced by the rip-roaring spirit of adventure. Tydal and his family shared a look, wondering how their anger could so easily be wiped away. "I be Mood Whiplash, Cap'ain of The Tropespouter! All ya scurvey dogs are hostages of me and me crew!" He sneered, showing off several gold teeth. He marched towards Zeena, the Lady of Zebrica crinkling her nose as Whiplash's scent (a mixture of rum, body order, and old blood) hit her nose. "And Lady Zeena, don't even think of tryin' any magic on us... our Spell Blocker,” he gestured towards the strange mechanical device that looked like a cross between a lamp and a steam engine, “is strong enough to even neutralize your magic!"
"Meet the problem I wanted you to fix," Zeena said dryly to Tydal as Whiplash leaned back, a cocky smile on his face.
"This can't get any bloody worse," Tydal muttered.
The zebra filly blinked her eyes and looked over at Captain Whiplash. "Dada!"
"So..." Mary Sue said lazily, tossing a ball up into the air, "...anypony have a fun activity we could do?"
Instead of answering Derpy yawned, her wings fluttering before she settled back down next to the Doctor. The shade of the old oak tree there were lying under cast a wonderful shadow that kept the rays of the sun from burning their flanks. It was a muggy summer day and none of the Hooves family wanted to move an inch.
This wasn't that unusual; almost every pony in Equestria was feeling the same way. Royal decrees had gone out early in the morning that Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Captain Armor were alive; better still, the capricorns had declared, due to proof given by the Zebrica ambassador that Lord Tydal was still among the living, that they would be postponing their vengeance upon Equestria. Princess Twilight had declared it a national holiday and everyone in Ponyville was taking the day off. Even Sugarcube Corner was closed, as the Cake family had decided to take advantage of the declaration and taking the twins to the beach for the first time.
The Doctor had surprised them all by suggesting they have a picnic and bundled up the group and headed off to a little-known swimming hole a few miles west of Ponyville. Derpy and Mary Sue had package a lunch, Dinky had excitedly grabbed beach blankets, and even Sparkler had taken a rare day off from her studies (the mare was trying to get her degree in physics… she just KNEW there had to be a rational explanation for everything the Doctor did) to join them. After a hearty lunch the adults had lounged under the oak tree while Dinky swam about the pond, but even the filly had finally grown tired and trotted over to them, giving them a smile before collapsing in a heap.
"Zzzzzzz," she snored, her leg twitching slightly.
"Mary, can you not simply enjoy a day off?" the Doctor said, his eyes shut as he tried to catch a quick cat nap.
The red maned, black coated alicorn sighed. "I want to... I just feel like it is a waste of a good day to just do nothing."
"I disagree," the Doctor said. "Sometimes we need to do nothing. Life is full of random events and wild actions and bustling hustling tustling abouts. It is only when we pause and take a deep breath that we are able to truly enjoy ourselves... and enjoy life."
"Mmmm, that's it," Derpy murmuring in her sleep. "Yeah, work it... do it like that... you naughty boy... put that butter on my breakfast... mmm, it makes it taste so good..."
The Doctor and Mary Sue carried on as if Derpy hadn't said a word. "The point is, Miss Sue, that life doesn't have to always be about adventures."
It was at that point that an astronaut emerged from the pond.
"Well... that seems familiar," The Doctor said, leaping up (and sending Derpy tumbling head over rear). He grabbed his sonic screwdriver and leapt in front of his family. "Alright then, don't think for a moment that I am going to allow you to harm them."
"I am not interested in harming them," the astronaut said, removing her helmet.
The Doctor's jaw dropped as he stared at the blonde-maned unicorn mare that stood before him. Mary rubbed her eyes, wondering if this were all some strange dream, while Sparkler looked over at Derpy and Dinky, then back at the mare. The improbable astronaut had removed all her gear, revealing her cutie mark: an hourglass encased in a bubble.
"Hey, its a grown-up me!" Dinky said excitedly.
Adult-Dinky nodded as a red Tardis emerged from the lake. "Time is broken, Doctor... we must leave at once!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 21: Whip it... Whip it Good
"You'll never get away with this!" Luna shouted at the pirates as they doublechecked the ropes they were using to restrain her. She was struggling to break free but found that the Spell Blocker Device that the pirates had brought with them rendered her barely as strong as a filly. Her divine strength had been stolen from her, as had her magic. She could still fly, of course, and had attempted to escape through an open window, but the pirates had shot a net gun at her and quickly brought her down to earth.
Zeena had ribbed them that Whiplash and his crew had two special talents: creating mood whiplashes (convenient, that) and taking down immortal beings. She’d pointed out that he’d already captured 28 of her children, forcing her to pay ransom after ransom to get them back (she didn’t want to, since she had plenty hanging around, but one had to keep up appearances).
"Ar, ya think this be the first time we done this, poppet?" Captain Whiplash asked, his pegleg clicking against the stone floor as he paced in front of them.
"It must be, the way you are tying these ropes!" Cadence complained. She shifted a bit and the hemp that was holding her grew loose. "You should have twisted these ends three times around each other before looping them together. Here, let me show you!" She trotted over to a zebra shaman and stuck out her tongue as she worked on tying him up.
"Sweetheart, could you please stop helping the kidnappers?" Shining asked.
"But they aren't doing it right!" Cadence whined, stomping her hoof.
"Why are you so calm about being tied up?" Zeena asked the captain.
"Er..." Shining said, blushing.
"Now then, I understand that you had to use what you had on hoof, but I find that rope does not work well as a gag." Cadence trotted along the ranks of pirates, the surly mob having grabbed pads of paper and begun to take notes. She gestured towards the servant that Shining had tried to strangle to death. "See, the rope is simply too thin to muffle her screams.” She turned to the servant and glared. “Hush ma’am, I’m educating our kidnappers!” She turned back to the pirates. “Besides, if you want to dominate your sexual partner-"
"Prisoners, Cadence," Celestia said sweetly. "We are their prisoners."
"Meh, same difference. Anyway, when you gag them you want to humiliate them a touch. Next time, try using a pair of old panties. Or ball gags... I have a great ball gag guy."
"She does," Shining said, only to earn a glare from the others. "Well... she does."
"You did really good work on Tydal, though!" Cadence trotted over to the capricorn, who had been placed in a straight jacket, had his tail tied to his legs, been shoved onto a handtruck (or is it a hooftruck?) and had a steel muzzle placed over his snout. The zebra filly Tydal had bonded with (whom he’d nicknamed Giggles), sat next to him, rubbing up against his leg like a kitty cat. "Do you have something you'd like to tell the class, Tydal?"
Tydal glared at Whiplash as Cadence pulled the mask away to let him speak. "You murdered this filly's mother... you abandoned her... you have captured my family and ripped our powers away. I am going to get out of here, Captain... I don't know how and I don't know when, but mark my words, I will get out. And when I do, I am going to eat your liver with fava beans and a nice chianti!” Tydal thrust his face forward, making sucking sounds.
"Maybe we should stick panties in that one's mouth," Whiplash muttered as Cadence put Tydal’s mask back on.
Cadence sat down next to Chrysalis, commenting to the pirate who was tying her about his technique. "You know, you were the best villain to ever capture me,” she said offhandedly to Chrysalis.
"You mean it?" Chryssy asked hopefully; she had been feeling kinda down, being stuck with only one form (even if it was her beautiful bug-pony form), and a compliment like that was needed to boost her spirits.
"Of course!" Cadence said happily, scooting closer to her former captor. "First off, you did it much quieter than these pirates. And the way you managed to entrap me? Genius!"
"Well... I did put a lot of work into finding those crystal caverns. I didn't even get the symbolism of putting the Crystal Princess in a Crystal cage... I just lucked out!"
"Sometimes that is the best way to do things: pure luck." Cadence held out her hooves to give the pirate who was ensnaring her better access to her limbs. "You taunted me quite well too!"
"Oh, I am so glad you noticed that! I put a lot of work into that speech."
"And it showed." Cadence leaned in close. "By the way, thanks for setting up those speakers so we could sing our duet."
Chrysalis sighed. "So many villains fail to think about duets with their hostages. It is part of the magic and theater of the crime!"
"Our time was a golden one," Cadence said with a sad smile. She reached over and petted Humpers the monkey, who was also tied up. "All the villains these days are too flashy and have no substance. 'Grrrr, I'm going to take your Crystal Heart!' 'Blarg, I'm a better flyer than you Rainbow Dash!' 'Arg, we won't let you return those pants because you didn't bring a receipt!'" Cadence shook her head. "The younger generation just doesn't understand the dance that is being a villain."
Luna leaned over to add her two bits. "Tell me about it. All their plans nowadays are so boring!" She waved her tied up hooves towards Captain Whiplash. "He wants to ransom us. Ok, mildly interesting... but I wanted to bring about eternal night. Chrysalis wanted to steal all the love from Equestria. Discord tried to corrupt harmony itself. Tydal had a doomsday plot that would result in genocide!"
"I am standing right here, lass," Whiplash complained.
"Shhh, the big ponies are talking," Luna said. "It makes me so sad to see all the grace and drama leaving the good villains. I mean, these pirates have us at their mercy and not a single one of them as attempted to rape us!"
"Ar, we’d never do that," Whiplash's first mate said. "We find none of ya mares attractive."
Shining gulped nervously. "Uh, could we not go down this path?"
Another pirate laughed. "Honey, don't worry... you aren't even a blip on our radar."
"Oh good."
"Then what are you attracted to?" Chrysalis asked.
"Sharks," Whiplash said.
Tydal's eyes went to pinpricks and he began to try and hop away.
Zeena glared at the captain. "You are going to pay for this; I want you to realize that. I am going to make sure you pay for your crimes."
“Uh, I just said that five minutes ago,” Luna complained.
"Crimes?" Whiplash asked. "Crimes? What you call crimes-"
"Yes, crimes. Why are you repeating it?" Celestia said in annoyance.
The pirate captain glowered at her. "I was tryin' to set the mood while I began me tragic tale."
"...why?" Celestia asked.
Chrysalis shhhhed the sun goddess. "Let the stallion perform!"
"Thank you." Whiplash cleared his throat and several pirates rushed over to the windows and covered them with heavy fabric, send the chamber into darkness. The hostages flinched when they heard a click, only to tilt their heads in confusion as a spotlight shone down on Whiplash. His parrot abandoned its gun turret and pulled out a tiny violin, tuning it for a few moments before drawing the bow across the strings. The opening strings of a sad, heartwrenching number filled the air as one of the pirates dragged in a piano and joined the pirate.
"Dramatic much?" Luna huffed.
Celestia smirked. "Said little miss 'The night shall last forever! Bwahahahaha!'."
"Cram it."
"I was born a poor child," Whiplash said taking a step forward and tilting his head skyward, removing his hat and placing it over his breast. "Me mum was a scullery maid and me da worked on the docks for bits."
"Why are you talking like you are from Grifland?" Shining asked.
"That shall be explained," the pirate said as his crew hurried behind him, drawing from their bags different pieces of scenery until they formed an entire backdrop for him to perform in front of. It depicted the crumbling, rusting façade of Leodon. "When I was but a wee lad of the age of 10 I felt a mighty pain in me stomach. Hunger had caught me in its grip and I resorted to stealing a loaf of bread-"
"And you were unjustly thrown into prison for such a crime, causing you to become a criminal?" Cadence asked.
"No lass, I covered it in concrete and used it to rob a bank."
"I'm doubting the validity of this story," Shining said as he looked at the Playbill one of the pirates had handed him.
Zeena shook her head sadly. "Unfortunately, assault with a bready weapon account for 38% of our crime rate in Zebrica."
Whiplash continued "The crime ignited in me a fire... one that begged me to commit more crimes in order to stoke its flames. I went to the local baker to get more bread but he refused to sell to me because I was not wearing a hat."
"...what?" Luna said.
Again, Zeena supplied the answer. "It is well known in Zebrica that all bakers subscribe to a strict 'no hat, no scarf, no jaunty vest, no service'."
"Can we switch with you?" Shining asked. "Our bakers spend all their time spreading gossip."
"The baker decided to struggle with me as I attempted to escape with the flakey weapons. I got in one little fight but me mum got scared and said "You’re movin' in with your uncle and aunty in Bel Air"."
Luna clicked her hooves together as best she could, what with them being tied up. "This is all very interesting and I am sure would make a lovely sitcom but I have just a small, itty bitty question."
"Yes?" Captain Whiplash asked.
"WHAT THE (CENSORED!) DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU BECOMING A PIRATE AND DECIDED TO KIDNAP ALL OF US?!?!"
Captain Whiplash signaled for the spotlight to be turned off and the pirates stopped the music. "Well, if you really want the ending spoiled-"
"NO!" Chrysalis shouted, only for Luna to whap her across the head.
"-while I was sailing to Bel Air our ship was attacked by this very crew of pirates. I was made into a cabin boy but saw very quickly that the captain of that vessel was a cruel taskmaster. And thus, at the age of 11, I led the mutiny that saw the captain overthrown. We made him walk the plank and he was gobbled up by those beautiful... elegant... graceful... sexy sharks..."
Tydal began to hop away again when the pirates began to stare at his tail with lust-filled eyes. Giggles laughed and playfully followed after him.
"...and in the elections that followed I was elected the new captain."
"Election?" Zeena said, raising an eyebrow.
One of the pirates gave her a sour look. "Ar, that be right, poppet! Unlike ye and yar herd, we pirates have a strict democracy!"
"Question," Cadence said, holding up her hooves. "Why would a roving band of pirates who spend all their time pillaging and killing elect a prepubescent colt to be their captain?"
"That is a very good question," Whiplash said as his parrot switched tapes. "And I guess I should tell you..."
"No, stop that!" Shining cried out waving his forelegs. "None of that!"
Whiplash (striking a dramatic pose while the pirates get back out the piano)
Oh... I... am... the very model of a modern major general Of killiing I know a bit Wounding horribly and terminal I've hunted the lords of Grifland And assassinated princes quite historical!
I am the very model of a modern major general!
Pirates (grabbing Zeena and the heads of several zebra tribes and hefting them into the air)
He is the very model of a modern major general Of killiing he knows a bit Wounding horribly and terminal He's hunted the lords of Grifland And assassinated princes quite historical! He is the very model of a modern major general!
Whiplash (dancing out the door with the pirates still carrying Zeena and the other zebras)
I am the very model of a modern major general! Manehattan to Zeena’s Loo I’ve robbed them all categorical I'm very well acquainted with matters mathematical I am the very model of a modern major general!
"You have to admit, it is quite catchy," Cadence said, bobbing her head as the music tailed off.
"Indeed," Chrysalis said. "However, I do wish they would have gone with a duet."
"Do you want to sing one?" Cadence asked.
"I'd be delighted!" Chrysalis said, clearing her throat.
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
She's all alone
Chrysalis
All by myself
Cadence
Except for me
ChrysalisCadence
I can not face tomorrow She can not face it!
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
Though I am here
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
So very near
Chrysalis
No one to share my sorrow
Celestia
It seems quite clear to me this tale's become quite a blot And we've lost... the entire plot
“Dada bye bye,” Giggles said, looking around in confusion, interrupting the song. Tears welled up in her eyes and Tydal, with a growl, forced himself to fall to the ground so he was eyelevel with her. He began to do his chest rumbles again and the filly happily cuddled up next to him, letting out happy chuckles as the vibration soothed her.
Luna's brow furrowed. "Wait a minute... they just took Zeena!"
"GASP!" all the zebras cried out.
"We're tied up here with no way to escape!" Shining cried out.
"GASP!" all the zebras again cried out.
"There's a sale at Penny's!" Celestia exclaimed.
"..."
"What, none of you've watched AIRPLANE!; it's a classic!" The solar goddess huffed. "Apparently I'm the only one never allowed to make a joke..."
Octavia glared at Vinyl... or would have had her head not been restrained and forced forward. The two of them were wrapped in heavy chains, their heads placed on a wooden block while a unicorn stallion dressed all in black sharpened a large broadsword. A large crowd was gathered before them, screaming for their blood (and waving signs done up in glitter and markers that said ‘I H8 Vinyl and Octavia!’). "I just want you to know that right here, right now... I blame you for all of this!"
"How is this my fault?"
"Do you remember screaming at the king, "What are you going to do, cut our heads off?" And then mooning him?!?"
"Everyone knew I was being sarcastic!"
"Apparently he didn’t!"
The executioner pony walked over to them and flashed them a grin. "Oh, do not worry. When you have Boris doing your chopping, you know it will be quick!" He gave Vinyl a kiss on the forehead and returned to measuring their coffins.
"Ok, so maybe it is a tiny bit my fault."
Octavia would have strangled her girlfriend if she wasn't restrained.
"Good ponies!" the king called out, holding up his hooves for silence. "We are gathered here to see the traitors Octavia Stark and Pon-3-"
"DJ, DJ Pon-3," Vinyl grumbled.
"-put to death." The executioner grabbed his biggest ax with his magic (why he was polishing an ax, we’ll never know). "If there are any here who can think of any reason these two shouldn't die, please raise your hoof." Octavia and Vinyl struggled against their chains. "Really? No on? Not even the prisoners?"
"Yes us!" Octavia screamed.
"Then raise your hoof like a polite mare." Octavia glared at the king, who merely gave her a cocky smile. "Then, I sentence you-"
"HALT!" The crowd parted and the group watched as a strange human marched forward. "I object!"
"Famous actor and star of Game of Thrones Sean Bean!" Octavia and Vinyl exclaimed happily.
"That's right! I am freeing these ponies and returning them to Ponyville." He reached over and easily picked up the two mares, snapping the chains as he did so.
“Oh what grounds?” the king demanded.
“On the grounds that I played Boromir!”
The mob looked at each other sadly, scuffing their hooves against the ground and lowering their glittery signs. “He has a point,” one finally said.
“He did play Boromir.”
“And a bad guy in James Bond!”
Sean nodded. "Up, up and away!" He leapt into the air, soaring through the clouds.
Vinyl blinked as they flew over Westoros. "Wait a minute, Ned Stark couldn't fly!"
"I told you, I'm not Ned Stark... I'm Sean Bean."
"Oh... right."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 22: Hoist the Colours
"Question," Chrysalis said as the group raced along the dock. They'd only gotten free 20 minutes earlier when the Spell Blocker had gotten out of range. Celestia had burned her ropes while Luna had turned into moon beams and ghosted through them. The changeling queen, for her part, had simply become a fly before returning to her normal form. They'd set about helping the others (Cadence didn't want to be untied until she said the safe word, Shining lacked the godly strength to break through the ropes, and Tydal did not want to frighten Giggles by bursting through the restraints). They'd left the rest of the zebras tied up, lest they have to deal with them trying to strike them when their backs were turned, and raced out of Zeena's Palace like the hounds of hell were on their hooves (which was silly, as everyone knew the hounds of hell did not like hooves; they preferred a nice salmon brisket). "What the hell are we doing?"
"Getting a ship," Luna said, scanning the dock. "I wish we still had the SS Lindsay Lohan."
"She did blow up good," Cadence said, cooing to her monkey. "Didn't she Humpers? Yes she did! Yes she did!"
"Why can't we use our other ship again?" Tydal asked.
"It isn't sea worthy," Shining told him.
"You weak little ponies and your inability to survive weeks at sea."
"And why are we getting a ship?" Chrysalis asked.
"So we can chase after those pirates," Shining said. "What about that one, Princess?"
Celestia nodded, taking in the grand 3 mast man-o-war. "That will work. Tydal, please steal it for us."
"Permission to kill?"
"Denied," Shining said blandly.
Tydal placed Giggles on Luna's back (he'd refused point blank to leave her with the zebras, something the rest had agreed was a smart move). "You know, for a moment there when you were throttling that servant I thought you were becoming interesting."
Shining shrugged. "Cool story, bro, now get stealin'."
“Fine!” Tydal snapped, before turning to Giggles, a dopey grin on his face. “I’ll be right back, ok? You stay here will Luna, alright sweetie?” Giggles clapped her hooves and laughed at Tydal before turning her attention toward Luna’s mane.
Chrysalis shook her head as Tydal headed off to commit theft. "And why are we chasing after the pirates?"
"So we can get save Zeena," Luna said.
"And why do we want to save Zeena?" The others blinked and the queen smirked when they failed to answer. "That's what I thought! Let's not forget that we all, only an hour ago, agreed she was more evil than me. Normally I would be offended but even I have to admit she is a disgusting creature. So why are we trying to save her? Why not just leave her to her fate?"
"Well, we have to save her because... because..." Cadence looked at Humpers, the monkey shrugging. "We have nothing."
"I know there is a reason," Celestia said, tapping her chin. “Because without her the herd will have no leader… a leader who encouraged them to attack foals… alright, scratch that reason.”
"We need to save her..." Shining rubbed the back of his neck. "Ok, give me a minute here."
Luna began to pace along the dock. "She needs to let Zecora know... no, Shining already made sure we did that-"
"-I knew that was a good idea!"
Celestia stomped her hoof. "There must be a reason!"
"You can want for one all you like, doesn't mean there will be one," Chrysalis taunted. "I say we just forget about all of this, go raid her medicine cabinet for some happy pills then sail back to your Equestria so you all can get back to your lives..." she mumbled under her breath, "and make a decree that I am pardoned for all my crimes and can feed on all the love I want."
"I... guess we don't have to save her," Luna said weakly. "There really is no reason. This isn't our country, the zebras have made it clear that our views and theirs clash."
"They did give us a nice welcome..." Celestia said before ducking her head, "then they tried to kill us when Shining Armor strangled that servant."
"Maybe... maybe we've ended up in a rut," Shining sad sadly, kicking at a loose board. "We go to some place with a goal, get sucked up in their problems, we sing a song or two, have a costume change, then there is a fight… Tydal and I bicker and-"
"Wait, costume change?" Chrsyalis asked. "There would have been a costume change?"
"I guess so," Luna said. "I mean... I suppose we would have. There is a costume shop over there." She pointed to a rather nicely lit store just a few yards behind them, the sign declaring '50% off All Pirate Costumes!'. Zebras were happily moving in and out of it, laughing as they made their purchases.
"I would have picked out something that was strange yet sexy... and inappropriate for foals to see."
Shining nodded. "But I guess we-"
"We must save Zeena!" Chrysalis declared, standing on her hind legs and placing her forehooves on her hips.
"Wait, what?" Celestia said.
“But we aren’t going to do it out of love… and we aren’t doing it for money! We are doing it because I… am… FABULOUS!” The changeling queen was already moving towards the costume shop. "Cadence, you and I will pick out the outfits. The rest of you think of a good sea chantey we can sing as we sail after that dastardly Captain Whiplash!"
"Can we get props?" Cadence asked happily, skipping after Chryssy.
"Damn straight!"
Luna blinked. "What... what the hell just happened?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do I have to wear this?" Luna complained, wagging the prop hook that Cadence had forced onto her forehoof. "I mean, I like the rest of the outfit," She admired her costume: a big red hat and a long red jacket with many golden buttons on it. Chrysalis had also gotten a stuffed crocodile for Luna to carry around, though the mare didn't get the joke. "But this hook is just... arrrrgggh!" She flailed her hoof about in frustration.
"I think it is pronounced 'arrrr'," Cadence said. She was wearing a red vest, cargo shorts, and a straw hat. Her jaw was working hard as she worked over a large piece of gum. Humpers was wearing a pair of shorts and a big pinkish hat with a bit of blue paint on his nose.
"Yes, you have to wear in!" Chrysalis said to Luna with a sniff. She had on a tricorner brown hat, a blackish-blue coat, and many different types of beads threaded through her mane and tail. She took out a bottle of rum and took a long drink. "You have a theme costume with Tydal, savvy?"
"At least you don't have to wear tights," Tydal muttered, his tail flicking as he tried to move in the constricting tights. His costume was VERY green, with an emerald top and a little green hat on his head. He would have complained up a storm but when Giggles had seen her matching outfit... well, the little one's squeal had Tydal rolling his eyes and helping her slip into the green dress.
"WEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The sea god watched as Giggles flew over his head, the little plastic fairy wings on her back fluttering like a hummingbird's. She, of course, had no idea that it wasn't 'fairy dust' that was letting her fly but Tydal's magic. She also didn't know that Shining had layered so many protection spells on her that there was little chance of anything hurting her.
"Get back down here, Tink," Shining said good naturedly, emerging from the cabin. He wore an all black outfit that fit tightly to his skin and the top of his head was covered with a black bandana. He bowed to Cadence, who giggled. "As you wish."
"I would like to remind you all that we are going after dangerous pirates." Celestia was in a foul mood as her costume, which was all black as well with a long waist coat and a wide-brimmed hat, had come with one extra accessory: a big bushy black beard.
"By Celestia's beard, she's right!" Luna proclaimed with a snort.
"One of these days, Luna, one of these days... bang, zoom, straight to the moon!" Celestia roared in outrage.
Luna scuffed her hoof against the deck, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to push..."
Celestia's anger diminished and she instantly softened. "Little sister... I am sorry as well. I should not have joked about such things and... you know that I care for you, don't you?"
Luna nuzzled the white alicorn. "And I you." She smiled, locking eyes with Celestia and leaning in for a kiss…
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!?!" Tydal roared.
Luna and Celestia blinked before leaping away from each other, both doing full body shudders. "CADENCE!" Luna screamed.
"It wasn't me, honest!" Cadence said. "If I did it I would have made it much more graphic."
"She has a point," Chrysalis pointed out.
"It must be Whiplash," Celestia said, stomping her hoof. "He's close." She nodded to herself and turned to address the group. "Luna, get in the crow’s nest! Your sight is strongest of all of us." The moon goddess nodded, unable to meet her sister's eyes, and flew up to take watch. "Tydal, you are on the stern! Part the sea and get us there!"
"Come along, Giggles," Tydal said, the zebra filly flying after him.
"Shining, you take command of the guns!" Celestia said, hurrying over to the wheel. "Cadence, Chrysalis, you work under him."
"REALLY!?!" The two said, hearts in their eyes.
"Not like that... perverts." Celestia glanced up at Luna. "Do you see them?"
"Yes! Northwest of us by a nautical mile!"
"On it!" Tydal said, his horns glowing as he leapt upon to the prow of the ship. "Give me that horizon, old friend." The sea churned and the tides suddenly began to move in their favor.
"Shining, load the cannons!"
Cadence held up her hoof. "Uh, isn't Zeena on that boat? If we sink it she might 'blub-blub-blub-blub'!"
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Again, none of us really like her..."
Shining, however, merely smirked. "Sweetheart, trust me... we aren't going to sink her." He gestured towards a pile of cannonballs that had each pair connected to one another by a chain. "Now, load up that ammo!"
"You should be good at it," Chrysalis said. "You are taking two balls and cramming them into a tight hole."
"That's not how sex goes," Cadence said.
"It isn't?" Chrysalis blinked in confusion before her face clouded over in anger. "My sex ed class was a lie!"
"Whiplash's ship is dead ahead!" Luna called down to them.
"Prepare to fire!" Celestia shouted, spinning the wheel so that she was running their ship side to side with Whiplash's. "On the count of three! One, two, five-"
"Three, sister!" Luna called down.
"Three!"
The cannons roared as they shot off their loads (that's what she said) and Celestia watched as the chainshot struck Whiplash's ship. One of the smaller masts cracked and buckled as it was hit, the sail wiggling but somehow remaining up. The solar goddess grabbed onto the wheel and began to turn so to set up another volley.
"They are loading their guns!"
"Tydal, deflect the shots with the sea!" Celestia shouted.
The capricorn glowered, reaching up and snagging Giggles out of the air, shielding her with his body. "No good... he must have that damn Spell Blocker on board. I can call the ocean but it would go near his boat."
"Every get-"
A sound like rolling thunder filled the air as the cannons fired. Shining gulped as the payload headed straight towards him...
POOF!
The stallion blinked as confetti exploded all around him and several balloons tied themselves to his horn.
"...who the hell sold him party cannons?!?" Luna shouted.
~Months earlier...~
"And you are sure you aren't going to use these for evil?" Pinkie Pie asked, giving Captain Whiplash a good once-over.
"Ar, don't I have an honest face?" the smelly pirate flashed her a grin, several of his golden teeth gleaming in the light.
"...yup!" Pinkie hopped over to some crates that held the party cannons Whiplash had commissioned. "You have the same smile as my Aunt Lexie Pie!" Pinkie leaned in close. "She stole 40 cakes. 40 cakes. That is four 10s. And that is terrible"
~MC~MC~MC~
"No one confetti's my ship!" Celestia declared. "Mr. Sulu-"
"Shining," the unicorn reminded her.
"-fire on them again!"
"Yes captain!" Shining lit the fuses and covered his ears, the cannons bucking back as they unleashed their deadly payload. A cheer went up among the immortals as the main mast of Whiplash's ship crashed down onto the deck. "She's crippled!"
"Shining, that isn't very PC," Luna complained, flying down from the crow’s nest. "I believe the proper way to say it is that the ship is 'handi-capable'."
"But even then we are drawing attention to its differences," Chrysalis stated. "Wouldn't it be better-"
"Can we just fight them now?" Tydal complained, his tail twitching in excitement.
"Alright," Celestia said, throwing several grappling hook over and making sure they were secured to the other ship's deck. "Mares and stallions... board and attack!"
The deities let out a battle cry and swung over to the other ship (because it looked cool), looking around for their opponents. But instead of finding a mob of bloodthirsty pirates, they found a bunch of zebras dressed in formal wear, sitting in chairs facing an altar. Before said altar was Zeena, dressed in a white dress and veil, Whiplash in front of her wearing a white tux.
"And if any zebra knows why these two should not be wed," the minister intoned, "let them speak now and-"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!" Luna shouted.
"Damn, I wanted to finish that," the minister said sadly.
"So, what is this place exactly?" Mary Sue asked, looking around the shadow-filled hallway. There was a strange buzz in the air and every time she took a breath she tasted an eccentric mix of copper and rose petals.
"This is the Vanishing Point," the Doctor stated. Adult-Dinky was leading the way with Derpy and Little-Dinky placed between the Doctor and Mary Sue. The gray pegasus was looking about, 'ooooing' and 'aaaahhhhing' every so often. Dinky, for her part, was happily trying to convince her future self to spill the beans about their shared history. "Travelers of Space and Time meet here when dangers to all of reality rear their ugly heads."
"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy!" Dinky chirped.
"You are thinking of Mos Eisly," Adult-Dinky said.
"I am? Ok."
The Doctor nodded. "The Vanishing Point exists at the very edge of time, seated just one second before all of reality succumbs to entropy."
"Are you sure we aren't in Neigh Jersey?" Derpy asked. "It kinda looks like Neigh Jersey."
"It looks nothing like Neigh Jersey," Mary Sue stated.
Derpy shrugged. "How am I supposed to know that? I've never been to Neigh Jersey."
Mary, having long grown use to Derpy and her way of thinking, merely sighed and turned her attention back to the Doctor. "What should we expect?"
"Oh, nothing to wild," The Doctor said. "These are time travelers, just like me!"
"...so we're going to die then," Mary Sue said dryly.
"Why are you scared?" Derpy asked. "Doesn't your MarySueness protect you from peril?"
"Not really," Wall Breaker said, appearing out of thin air before them "See, while she represents Mary Sues she's not actually a Mary Sue. She is not the star of this fic, she's not all powerful... when you think about it, the only thing that makes her a 'Mary Sue' is being an alicorn and even then it’s been established in this story that there are many different deities running around. Heck, if one wants to get really technical, defender2222 has rescued Mary from the Scrappy Pile and actually made her a fleshed out character-"
"Breaker," defender2222 said, appearing before the group, "I am trying to write a cold open here."
"Oh, sorry boss!"
The author crossed his arms over his chest and gave a nod and a blink, warping him and Wall Breaker out of the Vanishing Point.
"... I swear, I don't even understand what is going on anymore," Mary said.
"Well, prepare to be more confused," Adult-Dinky said, keying in a code on a keypad next to a large red door. There was a quiet ding and the door opened up, revealing a wide array of ponies mulling about the room, talking to each other. Derpy and Dinky made a bee-line for the buffet table (which was loaded with muffins, cakes, cookies, and other goodies) while Mary, the Doctor and Adult Dinky were approached by a stallion in a yellow and blue super suit; a small robot hovered just over his shoulder.
"Good, you're here!" Booster Gold said with a grin. "We can finally get started." He motioned for every to take their seats, Derpy being the last to sit down (as her hooves were barely holding onto all the muffins she'd nabbed). "Let's get the introductions out of the way. I am Booster Gold and this is my hetreo-lifemate Blue Beetle."
"Stop saying that," the tan earth pony (who was dressed in a blue super suit of his own) said with a roll of his eyes.
"To my left is Doc Brown."
"GREAT SCOTT!" the brown stallion exclaimed, his white mane (which stuck up in all directions, making it look like he’d stuck his hoof in an electric socket) shaking as he shook his head.
"This is Pip and Mr. Peabody," Booster said, pointing to the white and brown colt and the white dog that sat beside him.
"Hello there," Mr. Peabody said.
"DEMON DOG!" Derpy screamed. "HIDE THE MUFFINS!" Her and Dinky ran away from the table, trying to find a place to protect the precious bake goods.
Booster continued on as the Doctor attempted to calm his wife down. "This is Dr. Sam Beckett, who is currently wearing Rainbow Dash's body."
"I was wondering why she was here," Mary Sue said.
"And this is Come&Go-Me."
The white unicorn teen (who was dressed in a schoolfilly's uniform) bowed. "Hello, honorable Doctor-san. I hope this does not take long, as I must return to my friend/potential love interest Inuponysha, who lives in the past, so we may find the Jewel of-"
"No one cares," Mary said bluntly (she never had been a fan of anime). "Alright, now that Derpy is calmed down... what the hell is going on and why are we here?"
Booster leaned forward, letting his eyes rove the room. "Mares and gentlecolts... we have detected a ripple in time that threatens all of existence. If we do not work together, the fabric of all realities will be torn asunder worse than Tom Cruise’s sanity." Booster's robot pal Skeets clicked on a holographic display. "We have zeroed in on the source of this disturbance."
The time travelers stared at an image of Twilight Sparkle.
"I knew her getting those wings would ruin everything," Mary grumped.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 23: Memories of a Sun Goddess
Luna looked around the crowded deck, a single eyebrow raised in confusion. The pirates were all dressed in their Sunday finest (which was actually finer than most ponies' Sunday finest), chatting quietly to each other as they dipped their spoons into their cream of wheat. To one side there was a table loaded down with gifts and next to that was a 5 tier wedding cake that featured a little plastic Captain Whiplash standing next to a plastic Zeena.
"So... I just want to make sure I have this straight," Luna said, turning towards the happy couple. Celestia was to her right and Cadence to her left, with Shining and Tydal seated just past her with Giggles firmly placed between them. The zebra filly would glance at her father every once and a while (who didn’t even notice she was there) but Tydal was quick to draw her attention back to him... when he wasn't shooting death glares at his sister. Chrysalis was seated on Celestia's other side, happily sucking up the love the couple was giving off.
"So do I," the changeling queen interrupted. "First, who was your wedding planner because they should be fired. An ocean themed wedding is so last year. My wedding was much better."
"You mean the one where you brainwashed the groom?" Celestia asked. "Yes... yes, that did have a lovely quality to it."
"Said groom is right over here," Shining complained.
Cadence sighed. "I remember that wedding... it was so lovely. I didn’t get to see most of it, but what little I did…it was just so magical!" She reached over and began to trail her hoof along the tablecloth. "I wish my wedding had been like that."
"It... was your wedding," Shining said slowly. "Chrysalis kidnapped you, remember?"
Tydal's brow furrowed. "Why would Chryssy force Cadence to go to bed?"
"What?" Shining said. "She didn't do that... she locked her up in a cell-"
"OH!" Tydal exclaimed. "I see... in my domain kid-napped means to make a kid take a nap. You were referring to foalnapping."
"What do you call it when a kid is taken?" Cadence asked.
"Doesn't happen," Tydal said bluntly.
Celestia smirked. "Because you personally threatened to torture any foalnappers for 100 years."
"Speaking of kidnapping/foalnapping," Luna said, wanting to get back on point, "could somepony explain WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!"
"Shhh!" Zeena hissed. "This is a fancy wedding, baby sister."
"They... kidnapped... you."
"Foalnapped," Tydal muttered under his breath.
Whiplash nodded. "Ar, I understand what perplexes ya, lassie! You are wonderin' why we performed such an elaborate hoax! Ya see, we knew that the zebras would never accept me, due to their issues..."
"You... are... a... pirate," Luna said slowly.
“And a murderer,” Tydal snapped, wrapping a foreleg around Giggles.
Zeena smiled and nuzzled Whiplash. "I do love the bad boys."
Celestia gave the couple a sour look. "I think we are just going to leave now."
"You aren't saying for cake?" Zeena asked.
"No thanks," Luna said, standing up with the rest of the group.
"Abandonin' yar mission half way through... should have know." Whiplash rolled his eyes. "That be what ya'll are best at."
"Excuse me?" Tydal said in annoyance.
Zeena waved him off. "Come now, baby brother, don't be like that. You have to admit you all are quite flighty."
"Flighty?" Celestia said, her right eyelid twitching.
Zeena, once again proving that she made horrible choices, pressed on. "Of course. You six are so silly and spastic, leaping around from place to place... it really is quite goofy, when you think of it."
Shining looked up, swallowing hard. "Uh, the sun looks awfully bright at the moment..."
Celesta merely strode over to Whiplash and Zeena, her eyes glowing like lava pools. "I... am flighty. You two... one minute you are welcoming us the next you are threatening Shining Armor! You abuse that poor filly because her father committed a crime... then marry that very stallion?!?"
Zeena sniffed dismissively. "I couldn't hope for you to understand, little sister. Our lives are so full of hardship that we are required to make hard choices... and when given the chance for happiness we seize it. Not all of us can dance around the world on some whirlwind vacation."
Tydal began to back away, Giggles blinking in confusion as he quickly added his own protection spells on top of Shining's. "Captain Armor, get everyone to the boat... now."
Chrysalis looked up at the sky, which was losing its blue tint as the sun began to burn hotter. "This is bad, isn't it?"
"Very," Luna said nervously.
Celestia's mane began to sizzle as she glared at the married couple. "You... you think my life is easy? You think it has been all fun and games? I have been around for a VERY long time... and yes, there have been many wonderful times. But I have seen bad things... terrible things... things that would haunt your nightmares and leave you curled in a corner, sobbing and begging for death. I have awoken in the middle of the night to hear the bang of war drums and the calls for my death. I have seen horrors from Tartarus rise up from the pit and been forced to stare them in the eye as no other was brave enough to do so. I have seen towns rise and I have seen them wiped away. I watched my little ponies suffer and die and been unable to answer the simple question of 'why'.
"I have walked lands that were twisted by Discord himself! I have witnessed our brother's madness and sent good, innocent ponies to face that beast knowing they stood little chance against him. I saw the most caring, loving ponies to ever exist be systematically brainwashed by their own king until their entire empire was wisked away, lost to the world for centuries.
"I felt the pain of my student... my Twilight... when I failed to believe her and knew the crushing weight of guilt when my sins against her and my niece were laid before me. I ate crow and tasted the bitter spice known as hubris. I watched as a mind-raping fiend nearly destroyed my entire kingdom... I was helpless, defeated, imprisoned."
Celestia was crying now and the sun fought with the sudden rainfall that had been summoned by the day goddess' misery. Her friends and family stood to one side, horrified and captivated as they listened to all the pain Celestia held inside, wondering how she had managed to contain it for so long.
The sun princess looked over at Tydal and Luna and nearly broke down. "I... watched my brother... my teacher... my father ... laugh in the face of death. He gave up his life for a country that he hated and that hated him... purely because I needed him. He turned on his own brother and endured the full brunt of the elements of harmony just to see me and my sister survive. And what was his reward? To awake 1,500 years later to find that his sacrifice was not remembered and ponykind looked upon him and his ways as outdated. He should demand worship from them all but he doesn't because he doesn't care... all that matters to him is that his little girls are happy.
"I... I failed my sister too. I allowed my grief and my duty to override my common sense. It blinded me... until darkness was not just before my eyes but all that lived. It was never her fault that she fell... it was mine and mine alone. I failed her... not only in preventing her from becoming the very thing she hated... but for being unable to find a way to save her. I had to look up at the night sky for a thousand years and know that she was looking back down at me, still filled with rage and hate. I look at her and our father and all I can see is the years we all lost because of MY failure!
"You think my life is so wonderful? You think it is perfect? You want to trade? Ok then! Take it! Take all the bad! All the pain! All the suffering! Have it all! Take it! Take it, you hear me! TAKE IT!"
Celestia panted, emotionally drained from her outburst. Captain Whiplash and Zeena looked at each other, then down at their plates. Celestia's family moved to stand with her, Luna nuzzling her big sister while Tydal grit his teeth so hard it was a wonder they didn't shatter.
"Well lass," Whiplash finally said, "only one thing a bloke like me can say ta somethin' like that."
"Yes?" Celestia said softly.
"FOOD FIGHT!"
The pirates grabbed cakes and cookies from the dessert table and began to hurl it at each other. Zeena and Whiplash began to playfully smash each others faces into the chocolate fountain that was set up while the Tropespouter's first mate grabbed a bottle of champagne and sprayed it over everyone.
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Let's get the hell-"
SPLAT!
The solar princess blinked, her face covered in cake. A glop of frosting dripped off her horn and landed on the deck, joining all the other food bits that were slowly turning the deck into a slippery mess. Shining quickly threw up a shield, smiling weakly as he realized he should have done that 30 seconds ago.
"-out of here," Celestia grumbled, ripping off the fake beard she had been wearing for her costume and tossing it to the ground.
"That is the worst foodplay I've ever seen," Cadence said in disgust as they swung back over to their ship. "What's the point of covering yourself in whip cream if you aren't going to have Shining lick it off?"
Chrysalis walked over to Celestia, who was brooding near the wheel. "I know you and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye, what with me trying to invade your kingdom and defeating you in battle and imprisoned you in that gooey pod..."
"I hope there is a point to all of this," Celestia said dryly.
"Yes, there is; you've had some bad in your life, sure... but you've always had a ton of good. Tydal is alive. Your sister is alive. You have a family that loves you..." Chrysalis looked off to the side and mumbled, "including me..." She quickly looked up to see Celestia smirking. "I am completely sure that was only because of Whiplash's magic."
"Sure it was, little sister," Celestia said with a smile.
Chrysalis shifted uneasily. While her kind fed on love they were not use to receiving it directly and the warm, mushy feelings that were filling her veins made her feel rather awkward.
She was saved by, of all things, Giggles, who happily trotted up to Celestia and tugged on her coat. "Dada?" she asked.
Celestia leaned down, her voice calm and gentle. Her early pain was forgotten as she focused on the child before her. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but he stayed on the boat with Zeena."
Giggles crinkled her nose and shook her head. "Not dat dada!" She then reared back, baring her teeth. "Rawr!"
"...I'm sorry, I don't understand."
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "She is referring to Tydal."
"Dada!" Giggles proclaimed happily. "Rawr!"
The sun goddess let out a laugh. "Leave it to my brother to adopt an orphaned zebra filly." She looked around the deck, a frown marring her features. "Where is Tydal... and Luna for that matter."
"Oh, I am sure they are around somewhere," Shining said. "It’s not like they are in the crow's nest, using their godly powers to strand the Tropesprouter on some rocky island and then covering said island in eternal darkness as punishment for making you cry."
"... I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or sneaky," Celestia said.
Shining shrugged, turning his attention instead of Giggles, who was still mimicking Tydal. "Hey there, cutie!"
"Rawr!" Giggles said with a laugh, wiggling her tail like Tydal did.
Cadence watched her husband play with the filly and sighed happily. "I want one."
Luna and Tydal leapt down from the rigging and joined the rest of their group. "Well," Luna said, addressing her family, "now that we have all of that taken care of, I say we we continue around the top of Zebrica and make for the Mareatine... and home."
Celestia nodded. "I bet everypony is waiting for us to hurry and get home!"
~Meanwhile, on a Rock Farm outside of Ponyville...~
"Ankle twitch..." Clyde Pie said, his eyes half closed. "Floppy ears... ache in the knee... and a head bob?" He swallowed, looking around nervously.
"What is it, pa?" Inkie Pie asked her dad.
Clyde shuddered. "Crazy highjinxes... are coming."
A weather-beaten stallion leaned down, letting his son clamor onto his head so he could see better over the railing of their ship. The old 3-mast sailing ship was cutting through the water at a quick pace and about her deck her crew scurried around, checking the rigging and ensuring the sails were set correctly. An assortment of ponies from the Old World were on the deck, straining to see the first signs of land through the heavy shroud of fog that hung over the Mareatine. They knew they were close and could not wait to spot the first signs of their new home.
They had left their countries of origin hoping to make a fresh start in this lush land, this land of dreams where the impossible was made real. Some dreamed of striking it rich and becoming wealthier than kings. Others merely desired a plot of land to call their own and a chance for their fillies and colts to have brighter futures.
"Yes, my boy... do you see it?"
The colt leaned forward, squinting as he tried to see through the cloud that hung around their ship. "No, I do... wait... wait... yes, I see!" The cry moved through the immigrants and they cheered as they saw the tall skyscrapers of Manehattan. The colt looked down at his papa and grinned. "We made it, papa!"
"Yes, my boy, yes we did! We have finally made it to Equestria, the land of promise and of freedom. Our lives will better now, my little one, and all our troubles-"
BOOM!
The ship trembled and the immigrants cried out as some of the crew called out that they were taking on water. They all turned as one, staring at the ship that had struck them on the broadside.
"Sorry about that!" Cadence cried out from the other ship, waving to the group. "I was distracted by my husband's yummy flank! Should we trade insurance information?"
"Who is that, papa?"
The stallion grimaced. "No one important, I am sure."
"Hi, I'm Princess Cadence! I rule the Crystal Empire and I hold the record for most hot dogs swallowed in a single sitting! This is my family, Princess Celestia, who likes to use ponies as chess pieces; Princess Luna, who use to be Nightmare Moon and third worst threat to Equestria; Queen Chrysalis, fourth worst threat to Equestria; my husband Shining Armor... I don't know what his threat level is to Equestria but I know his sexy level is through the roof; and Lord Tydal, the war god who leads an entire race of bloodthirty killers... who all live right on the shores of this very country!"
"Hello," Tydal said with a wave. “Looking forward to hopefully not killing you!”
"...I am thinking the old country wasn't that bad, papa."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 24: Something More
"Princess Celestia!"
The sun goddess smiled as Twilight rushed towards her, the purple alicorn's royal shoes flying off due to her rapid gait and wild abandon. All thoughts of decorum and noble bearing were tossed aside as Twilight hurried to her mentor and gave her a hug. "We thought you were dead!"
"We thought you were dead," Luna piped up as she approached the two. She glanced over at her brother/father-figure and frowned. "I thought you commanded all the rich elite be killed off, Tydal." Luna looked around the room at the gathered ponies, dressed in their finest clothes and wearing their powdered wigs and squinting through their little monocles. "I am surprised your army failed to do its duty."
"There certainly is a lot less blood than I suspected," Shining commented.
"Oh, they killed everypony," Spike said, walking over to the group. "Luckily for us nearly every pony has at least 5 dopplegangers running around, so we just had them step in and take over."
“I use ta be a rock farmer!” one of the ‘noble’ ponies declared.
"It's actually a common occurance," Celestia stated, not the least bit concerned. "I mean, we've already gone through 15 Bluebloods."
"And I'm the 5th Jet Set!" another pony called out.
Tydal nodded, stroking his beard. "I have been meaning to ask you about that, Celestia; why do so many of your ponies look alike?"
Celestia sighed. "There are maybe 30 stallions in the entire country, Tydal. Almost every pony is related to each other."
"Inbreeding," Chrysalis said with a nod. "That would explain a lot."
“Said the goddess who’s subjects all look the same,” Luna muttered.
"Yes," Twilight said, "but luckily for us genetics are CHANGELING QUEEN!" She leapt ten feet into the air, eyes wide as she screamed.
Cadence looked around in fear. "Where?" She turned to Chrysalis. "Do you see her?"
"I am her."
"...oh." The love goddess nodded to herself happily. "I keep forgetting that... maybe I should go on some medication to correct-"
"NO!" the rest of her group shouted.
Shining hugged his wife. "Sweetie, I love you just the way you are."
"You mean you love me all flighty and giggly?" Cadence asked, batting her eyelashes.
"I think he meant he loves that you aren't fat," Chrysalis muttered.
Twilight, still floating in the air, glared at the group. "This is all interesting and I would love to have a nice forum on the over-medication of today's society but could we please focus on the fact that the Changeling Queen is standing right here?" Her horn glowed. "Are you all changelings? Have you killed the real royal family and dumped their bodies in Ghastly Gorge while you begin your final attempt at revenge upon all of us?"
Luna rolled her eyes. "I swear, she doesn't get her overactive imagination from me."
"I am not your... oh, just forget it!" Twilight landed on the ground, though she did keep her horn charged and pointed at Chrysalis. "But none of you have answered my question."
“I would like to point out that I am a touch offended that I had my soldiers kill around a hundred ponies and it is the goddess that got defeated by Cadence snogging her husband that warrants threats.” Tydal huffed. “I don’t understand this world, sometimes.”
“Tydal, please,” Shining said, moving to stand between his sister and his (*shudder*) sister-in-law. "Twiley, I know this seems weird but Chrysalis doesn't mean us any harm." Shining glanced over at the bug-pony. "Turns out she's family now."
"Huh?" Twilight said, eyebrow raised.
"Let me explain," Luna said, her horn glowing as she brought over a large rolled up sheet of parchment. Setting it up on the wall, she unfurled it to reveal a large family tree.
"See, family," Chrysalis said, gesturing to her spot on the family tree. "Which means I should receive a full pardon and be allowed to bum around in one of the guest rooms for a while. And I should also be able to raid the fridge whenever I want."
“I can’t help but notice many of our brothers and sisters are missing from this,” Celestia said.
“Meh, the damn printer charged by the vector,” Luna complained.
Twilight, ignoring the debate about the family tree, glared at Chrysalis. "You turned my friends against me, kidnapped my sister-in-law, brainwashed my brother, attacked my mentor, nearly destroyed Canterlot... what makes you think for a moment anyone-"
"You're pardoned," Celestia said calmly. "Now, who wants lunch?"
"I could go for Tex-Mex," Luna stated.
"But...but..." Twilight said, jaw hanging to her knees.
"Oh, come now Twilight," Discord said, popping in next to her. He was wearing a baseball cap and a white t-shirt that read "I Appeared in Darth Link's Fan Fic and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". "You act as this is the first time you've seen a former foe reformed. Little Luna, if memory serves, wanted to bath the world in darkness and I so enjoyed headgames! But now we are both welcomed back with open- do you hear a loud growl?"
"DISCORD!" Tydal roared, Shining managing to pluck Giggles from the capricorn's back moments before he leapt at the chaos god. Discord caught his brother, smiling as Tydal snapped his razor-sharp teeth at his brother's nose. The spirit of disharmony held Tydal at arms length, cooing at him like he was a puppy.
"Oh, look at you, baby brother... all grown up and wearing your big boy pants." Discord snapped his fingers and Tydal fell to the ground, regressed to foal-age. "There, you are much cuter like that."
"Discord," Celestia warned.
Giggles trotted over to Tydal and blinked in confusion. "Huh?"
The chaos god glanced at her. "Come now, Tia... he attacked me first! I have to be allowed my fun."
"Actually, I was going to warn you that you should turn him back not for his sake but for yours."
The chaos god placed his hand on his chest in mock horror. "And what could he possibly-"
"BA!" Tydal snarled, leaping up and ripping Discord's other tooth from his mouth.
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Discrod cupped his mouth and screamed, “WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE TOOTH!”
"Ba ba ba!" Tydal babbled in anger, scurrying up Discord's back. His tail lashed out and Discord began to spin around in circles, attempting to remove the baby capricorn before he cut off his wings.
"Anyone got at popcorn?" Luna said with a smirk.
"Nope, but I could make us some waffles," Shining said. When Twilight looked at him he shrugged. "I am the god of the dawn now."
"Since when?" Twilight screeched.
"A month or so," Shining admitted.
“…what the hell happened on this trip of yours?!?!”
"HELP!" Discord whimpered; Tydal had somehow ended up on his paw and was attempting to gum his fingers off one at a time. "This is cruel and unusual punishment!"
Celestia sighed and used her magic to pull Tydal off him. "Tydal, Discord will change you back if you swear to not hurt him unless provoked."
The baby capricorn looked away, tapping his chin as he considered her suggestion.
"Well?"
"Ba!" Tydal complained, motioning that he needed time to think. Finally, the sea god nodded and the next moment was standing there in his fully grown glory. "Discord, here's your tooth back." His own magic flared out and Discord yelped as his tooth was jammed back into his gums.
"I think I will go and visit Fluttershy," Discord said, pretending to be emotionally scarred. "She is sure to make me some cookies after she hears of this."
"Discord, a moment," Tydal said, stepping forward. The chaos god eyed him warily and Tydal heaved a sigh. "You and I will never be close, brother… not after all we have grown through. Mostly likely one of us will kill the other before Mother gets tired of this reality and wipes it clean. That said… there is one thing you could do that would go a long way to settling things between us." Discord raised an eyebrow and Tydal trotted over to him, whispering in his big brother's ear.
The chaos god grinned; this was well within his power as eldest sibling... and would also annoy dear Zeena to no end. Teasing Tydal was fun, mostly because the war god could give as good as he got. But Zeena and the rest? Oh, now they were ones that needed pranking and all they would do is whine. "Consider it done." He snapped his fingers and disappeared.
"Lookie!" Giggles exclaimed, drawing everyone's attention to her. The filly was laughing in utter delight as she swished her tail... her long, black-scaled tail with a small yet sharp fan blade at the end. "Like dada!"
Tydal scooped her up and kissed zebra-turned-capricorn filly's nose. "That's right, my little princess; like dada."
~MC~MC~MC~
Cadence and Shining snuggled up to each other, watching as Luna brought out the moon and the stars (and oh how Luna had missed having the moments to actually craft the sky the way she wanted it to look). The moon princess blushed a little at the ooohs and aaaaahhhs she received as she began the finishing touches on the shooting stars; it seemed that after a thousand years ponies had learned to love the night.
Celestia was seated with Twilight, going over all she had missed during their adventure, while Chrysalis listened to Tydal as he happily told her about Merida's reaction when he'd sent word via the waterways that he'd gotten them a new baby daughter (his queen had been incredibly positive, while Coral squealed in delight and Misty casually stating that she would have to mentor her new baby sister to make sure she didn’t go nuts like half the family). Discord, for his part, had returned with cookies courtesy of Fluttershy and the color drained from his cheeks; they'd learned he'd appeared in Fluttershy's bedroom at the wrong moment and could now attest that Big Macintosh had entirely earned his nickname. He was now seated in the corner, playing with something he called an 'Eye-Pad' and trying to avoid remembering the trauma he'd gone through (Tydal, meanwhile, had gotten with Twilight and convinced her they needed to send Fluttershy a Thank-You fruit basket).
Twilight cleared her throat. "You know, now that I know you all were alive, a lot of things I read about in the newspapers makes sense."
"What do you mean, Twiley?" Shining asked.
"Well... there were all these news reports about strange things going on..."
"What sort of things?" Cadence asked.
"Well... like this abandoned asylum that ponies thought was haunted suddenly blew up. And a civil war in Prance suddenly stopping and both sides agreeing to a peace accord." Twilight's wings fluttered. "And before that there was this story about a murderous gang of rapists and thieves being taken out."
"That reminds me," Luna said, "why didn't your friend Rarity tell you we were alive?"
"I asked her about that... something about being bitter over 'that horrid OC attempting to buy my sister'."
Tydal grinned. "Oh yes, I must remember to collect Sweetie Belle."
Discord shuddered. "I would think twice about that, baby brother... I am the god of chaos and the Cutie Mark Crusaders scare the chocolate milk out of me." He lifted up his arms and twin streams of milk shot out of his armpits. “See?”
“Ugh!” Chrysalis complained.
Celestia mulled over the information Twilight had given them. "It is strange, my faithful student... while we were stuck in those 'wacky adventures'-"
"So that's how you do air quotes with hooves," Discord said.
"-we didn't have a chance to look beyond what was happening and see the good we were bringing about."
"It is kinda awe-inspiring, when you think about it," Shining said. "I mean, we took down pirates and stopped a war..."
"And blew a lot of things up!" Cadence said happily. "BOOM!" She nuzzled her husband. "I think I'm becoming sexual attracted to fire."
"Let's deal with that later, ok sweetie?" Shining said, kissing her on the nose.
"Imagine if we had actually been trying," Chrysalis laughed.
Luna blinked. "What if we did try?"
"Luna?" Tydal said.
"What if we did try?" Luna said again, standing up and pacing in front of them. "The first time we went on our little road trip, it was to find Chryssy and hoof punch her in the flank."
"Which I did!" Tydal said proudly while Chrysalis rubbed her flank.
"And this second time was by accident... yet we still accomplished so much! What if we actually focused our attention and abilities on achieving some goals and making the world a better place?"
Celestia frowned. "We do that already... we are princesses and queens and kings..."
Luna waved her off. "We are so bogged down by bureaucratic red tape that we can't do anything within the system. But what if we went outside our governments? What if we became something greater... something more?"
Cadence raised her hoof. "Are you suggesting that we become a kind of superhero team that travels the globe fighting evils that are too great for mere mortals to face?"
"...yeah."
"I'm in!" She giggled in delight. "I LOVE spandex!"
"And you know that means I'll be a part of this," Shining said, kissing Cadence on the cheek.
Chrysalis rubbed her chin. "Well, if I did help take down evil that would leave less competition... count me in."
"Sister?" Luna asked.
Celestia looked at her little sister through narrowed eyes. "This is foolish. You have not bothered to think this plan through and it is most assuredly going to lead to places none of us could predict. Only somepony who was completely insane would take on such a task." The sun goddess smirked. "Then again, I haven't had this much fun since I was a filly. Count me in."
"And of course I will be helping when I can" Discord said, puffing out his chest.
"Who said you were invited?" Shining asked, raising an eyebrow.
The chaos god snapped his fingers and was suddenly in an overly gaudy military uniform. "I will have you know, Shining Armor, that now that I have been reformed I find myself in need of an outlet for my chaos. I am quite sure that Fluttershy will agree... a task such as this will only help me on my way on the path to goodness and puppies and all things nice." He flashed them a grin. "Plus it sounds like a blast."
Twilight nodded her head. "Well, I don't think I will go with you all just yet... I still need to get use to my new powers. But I will keep an eye out here and assist when I can."
All eyes turned to Tydal.
"What?" the capricorn said, his attention mostly focused on the BLT he was eating (the bacon coming courtesy of Shining Armor).
"Are you with us or not?" Luna asked. She ran up to him and batting her eyelashes, her eyes quivering with unshed tears as she gave him her best puppy-dog look. "Pwease?"
"Did you all miss the part where I adopted a baby zebra and haven't been with my family for more than 2 weeks straight since we all woke up? You honestly want me to abandon my wife, my twins and my new baby daughter just to go on wacky adventures?" Cadence, Celestia and Chrysalis joined in on the puppy-dog look while Discord actually turned into a puppy and whimpered.
"We'll need somepony to do our killing," Shining said.
Tydal's shoulders slumped. "I suppose you will need an OC to get you out of your messes."
"YAY!" Luna cheered, hugging her brother/father figure. “You’ll see, this will turn out great and nothing-“
“Why does that stainglass window depict Twilight’s baby dragon killing my dog?”
“Huh?” Luna said, her speech derailed as Tydal trotted over to the stainglass window that depicted Spike defeating King Sombra. “Tydal, what are you-“
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late!” Spike said, walking into the room loaded down with snacks. “We doing movie night? I got Pony Trek: The Wrath of Khan on laser disc!”
Tydal whipped around, his head lowered and lips peeled back to expose his razor sharp teeth. “You murdered my Wiggles!”
“What?” Spike said.
“I’LL KILL YOU!” Tydal screamed, leaping at Spike.
“AAAAAAAAA!” Spike tossed the snacks to Luna and darted out of the room. “Ok, ok, we can watch Iron Mare 3 instead!”
“WIGGLES!”
“Should we stop them?” Luna asked.
Twilight shrugged. “I would, but he did abandon me and let Fluttershy kidnap me… and Spike could stand to lose a few pounds... I say let him get a few laps in.”
“WIGGLES!”
The God Squad will return in 'Crisis of Infinite Twilights'
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted will return later this year
Canterlot, Equestria 2 Weeks After the Battle of the Twilights “Where Sanity Goes to Die”
"It’s good to have you back, Twilight," Scootaloo said with a smile. They were standing right in front of Princess Celestia's castle, waiting for the doors to open and for them to be allowed entrance. The mare and the filly were going to present to the Day Court exactly what had happened during the "Crisis of Infinite Twilights' (as Spike called it; Derpy Hooves was still lobbying to call it ‘The Months When the Muffins Cried’) and explain just what actions were being taken to ensure it never happened again (Twilight’s plan involved duct tape and those little foam peanuts that aren’t really peanuts). "Sorry again for... you know... splitting you into a thousand pieces and causing a massive crisis."
"Scootaloo, don't worry about it. Causing nation-crippling incidents is all a part of growing up! If I became upset every time I nearly destroyed Equestria I’d have never become the mare you know today." The purple alicorn smiled, ruffling Scootaloo's hair. "But I have to say, between me trying to figure out your origins and you dealing with my Crisis, we sure have been at the epicenter of a lot of upheaval in Equestria."
Scootaloo noded. "At least it worked out in the end. The important thing now is that we step up, take charge and behave as the centers of attention that we've become-"
The doors to Celestia's castle slammed open, striking the two and sending them flying across the courtyard. Twilight flared out her wings, grabbing Scootaloo and holding her tight as they fell but, even with the wings cutting down on their speed, the two of them ended up lying in a heap, looking up at the castle steps as Discord emerged, dressed in a white suit. The spirit of chaos held up his taloned hand, pointing at the sky as he adjusted his blue sunglasses.
Discord
Everybody! Rock your body!
Twilight and Scootaloo shared a look. "Oh no," the two said as Princesses Luna, Celestia, and Cadence, along with Tydal, Shining Armor and Queen Chrysalis stepped out of the castle to join Discord, each of them wearing a white suit as well.
Discord
Everybody Rock your body right! GOD SQUADS BACK ALRIGHT!
(The 8 Squad members take several steps forward, the citizens of Canterlot pausing from their day-to-day tasks to watch)
Shining (holding his head in annoyance)
Oh my god we're back again.
Celestia
Brothers, sisters, everypony sing!
Chrysalis
Gonna bring the flavor show ya how!
Discord
Got a question for ya better answer now Oh yeah!
Tydal
Am I original?
Citizens of Canterlot
Yeah!
Luna
Am I the only one?
Celestia (slightly annoyed)
Noooo
Cadence (grinding against a hot dog vendor)
Am I sexual?
Vendor (sobbing in fear)
Ye-yeah
Discord
Am I everything ya needed better rock your body now!
The God Squad (dancing on the steps of the castle. The citizens of Canterlot, other than Twilight and Scootaloo, quickly join in)
Everybody! Rock your body! Everybody Rock your body right! God Squad's back, alright! God Squad's back, alright!
Tydal’s Keep The Mareatine (aka The Tropic of Capricorn) “You’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat”
“Mail call!”
“Thank the Creator,” Tydal muttered under his breath. For the last 3 hours he’d been stuck on his throne, dealing with matters of the state, and anything that would give him a few minutes to breathe was welcomed. The King of the Mareatine had an absolute hatred for being a ‘sit on your duff and rule’ king; he much preferred to be marching up and down the lines of his army, stirring them into a blood lust before brutally attacking their foes. Sadly, most species were had developed a survive instinct and refused to do anything that might lead the capricorns to attack. As such, the nation had not had a single war since they’d awoken from their stone slumber… meaning that Tydal was stuck dealing with treaties, requests to the throne, and all other manner of boring things. He tried his best to pass these duties along to others but, sadly, the capricorns were all based upon him and while not having his likes and dislikes to such as degree as him… none of his subjects liked dealing with the boring stuff either.
“You could look a little less giddy about getting out of your duties,” Merida told her husband, bumping her flank into his as Tydal leapt off his stone throne and used his magic to rip his crown off his head. The metal battle-helm/crown was another concession he’d made for his subjects. “Or wait a few seconds before removing your royal attire. It isn’t proper.”
“Says my queen who entered an archery contest to win her own hand.”
“You’ve been talking to my mother again,” Merida complained.
“You’re the one that asked me to make your family immortal so no backing out of it now. You should have known I’d use that little gift to find blackmail material.”
Merida narrowed her eyes, her curly, tangled red hair bouncing slightly as she nodded her head towards him. “You have no idea how lucky you are that the baby is with me.” She looked down at Giggles, the zebra filly-turned-capricorn, who was happily trotting her mother’s hooves, babbling to herself. “Rest assure, sweetie, that when you aren’t around mama is going to curse up a storm! Yes she is! Yes she is!”
“Maybe later tonight you can show me just what you want to do to me,” Tydal whispered.
“Maybe,” Merida purred.
“Oh just boink now and be done with it,” Chrysalis said lazily, reclining on a padded stone chaise lounge. “At least it would fill me up.”
“I don’t know if you could survive our kind of love, Chryssy,” Merida teased. “Would give you heartburn.”
“That… is a very good point.” The Changeling Queen stood up, stretching her wings. She’d been staying at Tydal’s Keep for the last few weeks, enjoying her older brother’s hospitality. The only downside was that she had to fly pretty far to find love, as ponies found it hard to get in the mood when the shadow of the capricorns stretched over them. Still, it had been a nice vacation and had served to give her plenty of information for the Changeling Water Park she was thinking of adding to her hive. “Show the mail slave in!”
“Its postal worker, Chrysalis,” Tydal said, motioning for the guards to let Derpy Hooves in.
“Hiya Uncle Tydal!” Derpy said (the mare being, of course, Celestia great granddaughter). “I got a whole bunch of official looking letters for you today! And this postcard informing you about National Give Your Postal Pony A Muffin Day… which happens to be today!”
Tydal looked at Derpy before waving his hoof. “Go down to the kitchens and have Misty give you a basket.”
“Yay!” Derpy said in glee, kissing him on the cheek before flying off to retrieve her reward. “Thanks Uncle Tydal!”
“Anything good?” Merida asked as Tydal used his magic to grab the stack of mail Derpy had left him.
“Let’s see… Cease and Desist Letter, Cease and Desist Letter, Restraining Order, Restraining Order, letter begging me to never visit Manehattan again, Cease and Desist Letter, a Warrant for my arrest, another warrant… a plea for me to spare a town’s existence… a Restraining Order AND a warrant for my arrest…”
“So… junk mail?” Merida asked.
“Pretty much. Storm Surge, bring me my Director of Diplomatic Immunity.”
“You mean the shredder, my lord?”
“…yes.” Tydal pursed his lips as Chrysalis and Merida snickered; Giggles laughed too but she laughed at everything. “In my defense, I thought the Shredder would be an armored warlord who would cut my enemies in half.”
“Yes dear,” Merida said as the guard Storm Surge pushed in the shredder. Tydal promptly destroyed all the ‘junk’ mail, snickering as he did so. “I remember when you would have responded by sending those ponies heads with ribbons tied around the muzzles.”
“Well I’ve matured in my old age,” Tydal said.
“Shining Armor told you no, didn’t he?”
“Damn him and his ability to deny permission!” Tydal cursed.
“Haha!” Giggles said, pointing at her silly daddy. Tydal smiled and leaned down, giving his newest princess a kiss on the forehead before flipping her onto his head so she could have a ponyback ride.
Merida looked over her husband’s shoulder. “So, once the junk has been eliminated, what are we left with?”
"Let's see... here is a letter for Chrysalis from... who is Fluffle Pony-"
"It's no one!" Chrysalis said quickly, snatching the letter and quickly hiding it. "Private... stuff..."
“Ooookay. What else... oh, a letter from Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Tydal said, cutting out the purple envelope. “I am so glad I have a private number so that baby dragon of hers can’t send me letters. Little dog murdering-”
“What does the mare who defeated me and ruined all my plans say?” Chrysalis asked. “And I am so not bitter about all of it… do you think she got the hand grenades I sent her?”
“Stop trying to blow up Luna’s daughter,” Tydal said, scanning the letter. “Let's see... 'Dear Lord Tydal Coldwater'-"
"Coldwater?"
"That's my last name."
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you have a last name?"
"Since always! Just because I don't say my full name all the time like most stupid ponies doesn't mean I don't have one." Tydal looked over the letter. "It is a personal invite from Twilight to come to the Summer Sun Celebration.”
“Oh yes, the raising of the sun thingie,” Merida said. “I’m surprised you’ll be allowed back after the last time…”
~Last Year~
Celestia did her best to smile as she raised the sun but it was hard. Luna was suppose to be with her but had been a no show; it was obvious that her little sister was still upset that the worst day of her life was treated as a national holiday-
“RUN!” Several ponies screamed in horror, racing out of Canterlot’s main square as fast as their hooves would take them.
“What?” Tydal asked as he walked into the middle of the main square, his face and chest covered in a sticky red fluid. Wall Breaker pointed to Tydal’s chest and the capricorn frowned. “It’s just cherry cola you skittish little… wait…” he stuck his tongue out and licked his lips. “Nope, its blood. Sorry, it is blood. I forgot, I killed the cola vendor because he was out of cherry cola. Sorry, that was my fault, it is blood… the same blood that is running through your veins!” He looked over at Celestia, who was facehooving. “What?”
“Sorry I’m late!” Luna cried out, still dressed in her bathrobe and bunny slippers. “Did I miss it?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“If you ask me those ponies were way too jumpy.”
“You began to sing ballads about how you’d kill them all,” Merida pointed out.
“And you followed those ballads to the letter when the army wiped out the Canterlot Elite… which means none of the ponies who were there last year will be there… hence my invitation!”
“You are celebrating the fact that we murdered anyone that could remember everything you did… what am I saying, of course you are,” Merida said.
“Does that count as a victory?” Chrysalis asked.
“I’ll take any I can get,” Tydal stated. “What do you say… who wants to go watch the sun do what it does every friggin’ day of the year and act like it is a big deal?”
“Yay!” Giggles exclaimed, throwing her little forelegs up in the air.
“Meh, I was going to lie on your couch and eat gummy bears until my thighs touched each other, so I’m in,” Chrysalis stated.
Merida nodded. “And I will come since this is a diplomatic event and I need to make sure you don’t embarrass Princess Twilight.”
Tydal glowered at his wife. “Sometimes I think you don’t trust me.”
Merida laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “Sweetheart… not ‘sometimes’.”
~MC~MC~MC~
Ponyville Equestria “3 Days Since The Last CMC-Caused Accident”
“I still don’t understand why we had to come so early,” Tydal complained, stepping off the train, Giggles firmly placed in the baby carrier that hung from his neck and over his chest, letting the little girl see where they were going. Giggles laughed and kicked her legs, thinking she was walking under her own power. “Or why we had to have a stopover in Ponyville. I’m pretty sure we could afford a ticket directly to Canterlot.”
“I’m more concerned with the sun and the moon being out at the same time,” Merida said, looking up at the sky. “I can’t remember the last time I saw it like this… I think you were still in charge of the moon when we had the last split day/night!”
Chrysalis frowned, adjusting her large sun hat (they were the in-thing for the summer). “You were in charge of the moon?”
Tydal shrugged, pushing his way through the throng of ponies that were standing around, mouths hanging open as they stared at the sky. “Oh, it was quite common back in the beginning for us to have command of multiple grand powers. Before I was born Fuzzy was the god of war and the god of storms.” The capricorn grinned. “You should have seen his face when I stole those two titles for myself. As for the moon, mother put me in charge of that and Fuzzy in charge of the sun. Makes sense… the sea and the moon, the wind and the sun. All are connected. Worked out well…”
“Until you got drunk with Polar and tried to play pool with the heavenly bodies,” Merida stated.
“I still say I would have won if I’d been allowed to make my final shot,” Tydal complained, taking out a juice box and giving it to Giggles. “Point is after that little incident Mother began to work on Celestia and Luna.” The capricorn tilted his head, glancing at the sky. “That said… it isn’t like them to screw up like this. For me it was easy… not my nature. But the sun and the moon are to them like the sea is to me… something must be really wrong.” His shoulders slumped. “And if something is wrong Twilight Sparkle and her little friends are right at the epicenter of it.”
“How do you figure?” Chrysalis asked.
“Other than the fact that they are the ones that woke me from my stone sleep, saved Luna, defeated you, defeated Discord, saved Celestia and Luna’s kingdom a dozen times-“
“Except for King Sombra… that was all Spike,” Merida said.
“WIGGLES!” Tydal screamed in despair, several ponies backing away nervously (it was one thing to see a capricorn enraged… but a sad one? That was asking for trouble).
“’iggles!” Giggles cried out, joining her daddy in the ‘game’.
Tydal paused, looking at the sky. “Uh… why are the clouds all evil looking?”
“I don’t know, but they are creeping me out!” The Evil Muffin said, popping up next to Tydal. “I don’t like it when cute things look evil! That’s MY bit!”
“Aren’t you suppose to be with my Shining Armor?” Chrysalis asked.
“Him and the pink slut are boinking right now… her screams make my wrapper twitch.” Tydal glared at the Evil Muffin who, wisely, chose to disappear at that point lest the capricorn feed him to Giggles.
“We lead weird lives,” Merida said.
“Uh-huh!” Giggles said in agreement.
“Any weirder than seeing black spiky vines all over the place?” Tydal asked, swinging his tail as he cut his way through the thicket of vines that were growing in front of the path to Twilight’s library. “Ugh, it just isn’t the same if you cut into something and it doesn’t scream.”
“OW!” Chrysalis yelped, one of the vines shooting green fire at her. “What the…ACK!” The Changeling Queen cried out as she morphed into her Cadence disguise. “What the-?”
“Chrysalis, what are you doing?” Tydal asked.
“Ca-da!” Giggles exclaimed.
“Nothing!” The Queen cried out as she transformed into Iron Will. “These vines… they’ve done something to my magic!” There was another gut of flames and she turned into Sherclaw Hones. “Help!”
Tydal glowered at the black vines. “Are you causing this?” The vines twisted around, forming a hand… which flicked Tydal off. “You lousy-“ The vine hand turned into a fist and punched him. It was only his quick reflexes that ensured he didn’t crush Giggles. “Oh, that is it!” Tydal lashed out, slicing through the vines with his tail. However, every cut vine seemed to cause two more to appear. “Merida!”
“On it!” the queen of the Mareatine said, joining her husband in hacking at the vines. “Och, i’ll tear ye things it by yer roots!” Her natural brogue grew more pronounced in her anger at the vines.“Yoo ghastly weeds, i’ll send ye back tae heel, Ah will!” The vines grabbed her and began to shake her. “Ooooooooo! Mah guidman, Ah hink uir armur is needed against these beasties!”
“Alright, love.” Tydal’s horns glowed even as Chrysalis morphed into Big Macintosh. Giggles blinked as she was handed off to Chrysalis but quickly became entranced by her parents’ light-show. “ALRIGHT, MOTHERPLUCKERS! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!” There was a flash of light, the vines twisting slightly, only for it to fade to reveal Tydal and Merida in their royal battle armor. Silverish blue in color, both sported a battle helm, a breast plate, leg bracers, gilded shoes and silver framing on their fan tails to increase the deadliness of their natural weapons. In addition, Merida had a bow and arrow gripped in her magical grasp while Tydal now wielded the trident he’d obtained during the Crisis of Infinite Twilights. The armor had not been since the ancient days of the world and there were no beings that were not allies of the capricorns that had gazed upon the battle armor and lived to tell the tale. “For the Mareatine!” Tydal roared, raising his golden weapon and launching himself at the vines…
…which probably retreated, leaving Merida, Tydal, Giggles and Chrysalis (who was back in her normal bug-pony form) staring at Zecora, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Spike, Discord and Twilight.
“…oh, the newest princess can go on a bender but I get some blood on my coat and it is a big deal!” Tydal complained, banging his trident against the ground and waving his hoof at Twilight who was just standing there, drool leaking from her slack jaw.
“She isn’t drunk, God Squad cast,” Zecora said, “Dear Twilight is merely viewing the past.”
Merida frowned. “Ok, I am sure there is a reason for that which makes sense…”
“…but that sounds like a giant waste of time,” Chrysalis finished.
“Blame Discord here,” Rainbow Dash complained. “He has all the answers but is refusing to help us.”
“Or he is the cause of all this,” Applejack muttered.
Tydal nodded. “Yes, this does have his usual flair. I suggest we try ‘Good Cop, Capricorn Cop’.”
“Oh, how does that work?” Fluttershy asked.
“You ask him a question and I beat him to death with his own leg.”
“How would we get the answer to the question?” Spike asked.
“We wouldn’t but it’d make me feel wonderful!” Tydal said.
Discord raised his hand. “If I have a choice, I vote no on that idea.” The spirit of chaos floated over to Giggles and ticked her. “Come now, baby brother, I thought we’d buried the hatchet when I helped my little goddaughter here ascend to godhood.”
“Dissy-cord!” Giggles squealed, grabbing his finger.
“We did, Discord, we did… but that doesn’t mean new hatchets can’t be made. Now explain to me what is going on before I decide to relive my youth.”
Discord gripped his tooth in fear. “No need for that, Tydal! No need for that!” He floated over to Merida and smiled. “You know, if you ever feel like-“
“You wouldn’t survive the foreplay,” Merida said, jerking her head forward, her teeth snapping just an inch from Discord’s nose. She gave him a sultry smile. “Now then… what exactly is going on?”
Discord tapped his chin. “I am honestly not 100% sure. All I know is that our dear sisters are missing, night and day have merged, the Everfree clouds are beginning to encroach upon Ponyville, and these black vines are spreading all over the place.”
“…and the answer was to get Twilight drunk?” Tydal said, raising an eyebrow. “I enjoy an adult beverage as much as the next deity but-“
“She ain’t drunk!” Applejack complained. “Zecora here brewed up some mystical potion that, when infused with Twi’s alicorn magic, let her see things in the past.”
“… drunk,” Tydal said, pursing his lips.
“Without Twilight we will surely lose, so do you think I’d give her booze?” Zecora asked.
“She isn’t drunk,” Chrysalis said.
“Thank you!” Applejack exclaimed.
“I’m pretty sure she’s braindead,” the changeling queen said, poking Twilight and making the alicorn rock back and forth.
“What?!?” Fluttershy gasped.
Rarity trotted over to Fluttershy and comforted her. “Darling, being braindead is not that bad… Twilight can still live a full and active life… plenty of ponies do. I mean, just look at Rainbow Dash.”
“Yeah, just look at-HEY!”
“Why do you think she’s braindead?” Spike asked, twisting his tail nervously.
Chrysalis reached out and poked Twilight in the ribs again. “Not responding to outside stimulates, motor functions almost non-existant… I’m not entirely sure she’s taken a breath since we arrived. Braindead.”
“How terrible,” Tydal said sadly. “Alright, let’s begin eating her before she gets cold.”
“I call her soul!” Chrysalis said, licking her fangs.
“WHAT?!?!” Twilight’s friends screamed.
Tydal rolled his eyes. “What? You just expect us to leave a perfectly good pony lying around? That is just wasteful! Twilight hated waste… we are honoring her memory this way. Now, who has a barbecue we can borrow?”
“She isn’t dead!” Rainbow complained. “She’s crying right now!”
“Ce…Celestia…” Twilight whimpered.
“The last spasms of the departed,” Tydal said, using his magic to grab Giggles. “Ok sweetie, now watch daddy carefully as he fillets the purple pony, ok?”
“Yay!” Giggles squealed in delight.
“You can’t eat Twilight!” Fluttershy squeaked.
“I am pretty sure between the two of us we can,” Chrysalis said. “There might be a doggy bag and some leftovers-“
“I mean you shouldn’t eat her!”
“Why not?” Chrysalis asked.
"This is what Luna would have wanted," Tydal said. "She made it very clear to me that if her daughter ever went braindead I was to eat her so she couldn't come back as a zombie."
Merida rolled her eyes. "She said that when she was two years old! She also said you should build her a giant pillow fort!"
"Which I did!" Tydal said with a cocky grin. "And now Fort Pillows is the best place for singles in all the Mareatine!"
"Alright, stop the gabbing and lets get to the noshing," Chrysalis said.
Discord tilted his head. "I can't believe they are acting more insane than me."
“Wait!" Pinkie shouted. "You can't eat Twilight because...uh... because you can’t eat a pony straight up!” Pinkie declared. “You need a bun at the very least!”
“Pinkie!” Rarity exclaimed, scandalized.
“She has a point,” Merida said, winking at the ponies. “Why don’t we go see about finding a bun big enough for Twilight?”
“Alright…” Tydal said, clearly not liking the idea of abandoning his potential dinner. “If any of you eat her before I get back I will be very sad and pout.” With that Tydal, Chrysalis, and Merida trotted towards Sugarcube Corner, Giggles waving to the ponies.
“…and yet I am the one that you all call the villain?” Discord asked. “Am I really worse than-“
“I do not like this,” the Doctor said, his jaw firmly set.
“Why not?” Mary Sue, the red mane, black coat alicorn asked, not bothering to look up from her Sudoku puzzle book. They were seated in Derpy’s house, doing their best to enjoy the afternoon… or evening… honestly they weren’t for sure since both the sun and moon were both up. Mary Sue had asked if they should insert themselves in the goings-on and discover what was happening with the sky and the strange black vines that had suddenly invaded Ponyville but the Doctor had claimed that they weren’t that important in the grand scheme of things.
“Just wait until Tirek arrives… now THAT is an issue that needs to be dealt with!” the Doctor had said. Then he’d begun to play with his sonic screwdriver (no, not like that you perverts).
"You said it yourself that Dinky needs to make more friends," Mary Sue reminded the Time Lord.
"No, I said she needed to begin gaining some companions of her own. Big difference."
"Yeah, sure," Mary Sue said, rolling her eyes. "You said it yourself that Dinky needed to meet and recruit some companions... well, Derpy made her a playdate to do just that and now you are whining."
"This isn't what I meant!" The Doctor snapped. "I meant she find some young filly that needed a magical friend or some cocky, metrosexual bisexual who would both hit on her and be her gay friend. Or the Ponds... she could have just made them her companions!" By 'The Ponds' the Doctor was referring to their next-door neighbors Auburn and Roman 'Rory' Pond, who would watch Derpy's house when the family went traveling. "But not... it."
Dinky raced into the room, a wide grin on her face. "Come on, let me show you my room!"
"Rollypolly wishes to see room!" The Doctor glowered as the green and blue baby dalek that Twilight Sparkle had adopted toddled past him, its little colorful shell's eyestalk spinning about as it took in the house. "Hello Mr. Oncoming Storm. Mama Sparkle thanks you for letting me visit!"
"Grumble grumble," the Doctor muttered as Dinky and her new best friend made their way to her room.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 26: Tydal and Chrysalis vs. The World Part 2
"We're back!" Tydal called out. "Sorry it took so long but it was hard finding bread pans that were in the shape of Twilight. Don't get me wrong, we found some but we had to dig through Pinkie's cupboards to find them."
Chrysalis held up two buns that were shaped exactly like Twilight. "They didn't have any post-ascension ones, so we'll have to do something about the wings... I'm thinking sidedish." The changeling queen stopped short, lips pursed together as she look first at Discord then Zecora. "Uh... did I miss something? Where is Dinner... I mean Twilight... I mean Twilight, my Dinner."
"Of Twilight's trance she has slipped out of it, so your meal is gone you silly twit."
Chrysalis' eyebrow twitched. "Twit?"
"It means you're stupid," Discord explained, trying to be helpful.
"Now now," Merida said, moving between Chrysalis and Zecora, "no need to get upset. You know how Zecora is with rhyming... she probably couldn't think of a better world."
"It is true that rhyming can make me twitch, but I meant that insult I gave to that b-"
"Alright, both of you knock it off!" Tydal snapped. "I'm upset dinner is gone too but we are not going to fight. We're all family."
"You fight with me all the time!" Discord protested.
"Name me one time when you didn't deserve what I gave you."
Discord held up his index finger, only to find no words would come out of his mouth. He paused, a puzzled look crossing his face, as he considered exactly what Tydal had asked him. The others waited, patiently, before turning away from the draconequus.
"Now Zecora, please explain to me exactly what is going on now that Twilight has emerged from her magical trance."
"Your switch of opinion strikes me like a lance! Why did you pretend to not know Twilight was in a trance?"
Tydal smirked. "Because I am an immortal sea god... I get bored very, very easily."
"He has a point," Merida admitted.
Zecora looked at Tydal in surprise. "You claim you are not much of a cur. So you weren't really going to eat her?"
The sea god merely shook his head. "Of course not! I do that and then Shining will never grant me permission to kill ever again. Besides, I try hard not to harm family..." Tydal looked coldly at his brother, who was still trying to find a situation when Tydal hadn't given him exactly what he deserved, "though I have made an exception a few times."
Zecora nodded to herself, pleased that one of the few family members of her's that she actually liked wasn't as bloodthristy as he made himself out to be. "Then upon your murderous ways I will not dwell. Dear Chrysalis, did you know this as well?"
"Uh... yes," Chrysalis awkwardly shifted from one hoof to the other. "Yeah... totally knew it," she said, trying to hide the sadness in her voice.
Tydal leaned down and sniffed the now abandoned bottle Twilight had been sucking from. "This was a smart idea, Zecora, especially since my fool of a brother refuses to help us."
"Doesn't that spell though only give you a summary of events?" Merida asked.
"The barest of facts the potion does bring, for not enough time had we for the whole thing."
Tydal glowered. "I bet that spell totally deleted me from the whole battle."
Discord finally snapped out of his stupor and nodded. "Oh yes, that it did! Just left in the good parts and the only beings the audience wants to see."
"So I was in it then?" Chrysalis asked.
"What audience?" Merida asked.
"It chopped the whole middle right out, dear brother," Discord taunted. "Celestia and Luna arrive, I vamp a bit, and then it cuts to me being turned to stone. You aren’t in it at all.” Discord tapped his chin in consideration. “I was gloating about that but now that I think about it that does seem like a cop-out. Our battle against each other was truly epic. The way Twilight saw things makes it look like I went out like a bitch.”
Tydal nodded, smiling fondly at the memory. “You fought well, brother… you may be without honor but you are a skilled opponent. Too few do not understand the game.”
“We are a dying breed,” Discord said, commiserating with the capricorn.
“Sometimes I can’t remember if you two hate each other or like each other,” Merida muttered.
“We have a complex relationship,” Discord admitted, reaching down to once more tickle Giggles. The little princess squealed in delight, kissing the back of Discord’s hand.
“So Twilight and her friends ran off half-cocked again, is that it?” Tydal asked.
“I suppose it would be too much to hope that they would die a horrible death?” Chrysalis pondered. When the others looked at her she rolled her eyes. “I said I ‘suppose it would be too much’!”
“Why did the last remaining princess in Equestria go running off by herself?” Tydal asked in annoyance, wondering not for the first time how Equestria had avoided being turned into a salve depot during his stone sleep.
“Twilight and her friends went to the Everfree, to find the location of the Tree of Harmony.”
“The what what?” Chrysalis asked, only to looked at Tydal in confusion. The capricorn’s eyes had gone to pinpricks and a look of absolutely worry crossed his face. “Ok, so the god of war looks nervous… this can’t be good.”
“The Tree of Harmony? You’re sure?” Tydal asked.
“And just why are you suddenly a scaredy cat?” Discord asked, snapping his fingers and causing Tydal to suddenly be dressed in a cat costume.
The capricorn king ripped the costume off and shook his head. “All of this suddenly makes sense.”
“That’s a first,” Merida said, only to grow serious when Tydal didn’t respond to her joke. “Ok, you are scaring me, love. What is the Tree of Harmony?”
The god of the sea’s eyes got a faraway look. “A nexus of positive magic. Some say that Treents made it, using their Free magic to gather up power from the realm of the Abstracts and place it within a seed from the Crystal Empire. Whatever caused it to come into being, the Tree of Harmony is a great crystal tree and the most powerful repository of positive magic in this world.”
“Treents?” Chrysalis asked.
“Trotting Ents in the common tongue,” Merida stated. “They are the shepherds of the forest. The smallest of them would be the size of a large stallion. Their legs are covered in hard bark and their coats are like moss. They have two tails, both of which are thick and like tree branches, ending with leaves. Their manes are like willow branches and it is common for flower buds or fruit to grow amongst the ‘strands’. Their faces are much like a normal ponies, save for their eyes, which are set deep in their heads and look like tree sap.”
Discord rolled his own eyes. “They are also humorless bores! Tydal here is like me when compared to them.”
“Huh?” Giggles said, tilting her head.
“Ponies of bark, twig and stem… why have I never heard of them?” Zecora asked.
“They are private creatures. You have probably seen them hundreds of times but thought them to be just part of a tree or a bush. As long as you do not bring violence upon their ‘flock’ they will not harm you,” Merida stated.
“This is all well and good…” Chrysalis said, looking nervously at the black vines that were slowly growing towards them, “…but what exactly does any of this have to do with what is going on right now?”
“The Tree of Harmony was rumored to be crafted by the Treents to act as a… well, guardian I guess would be the best word for it… of the Everfree. It use to ensure that the forest remained within it boundaries and that the dangers within never got too wild.” Tydal bowed his head, clearly disgraced. “But like any other tree, its fruits were plucked.”
“That’s how you made the Elements of Harmony?” Chrysalis said in surprise.
“Yes. I knew of the tree’s location and told Celestia and Luna to gather them. I stood guard at the mouth of the cave… but I am as guilt as the princesses for taking the Elements and weakening the tree.” He looked at the vines. “And now the Tree is not strong enough to fight back this new threat.”
“But what are they, exactly?” Chrysalis asked.
Tydal tapped his chin. “They look familiar… but at my age I could have seen then 2000 years ago.”
Merida tapped the bottle of Zecora’s Magic Mind Juice (or whatever the hell it was called… seriously, does it even matter? Well, I guess it does matter, because as a fandom we give a name to everything and anything… I am pretty sure that fabric Sweetie Belle stole from Rarity to make the Crusader capes has a name and an entire backstory… probably involving a lost love and a race against time to find an enchanted ruby... ok, totally off the mark here but wouldn’t that make a better story that this? Silky the fabric and the Ruby of Destiny. Sounds badass, right? Better than this rubbish. I am pretty sure this story is written by a drunk monkey… and not of his own free will. Anyhoo, what were we talking about again? Something about juice?), her face screwed up in consideration. “Maybe you could use Zecora’s potion here to look back into the past and figure out when you last saw the vines.”
Tydal tilted his head. “Normally I’d have a problem with taking an unknown potion under such thin reasoning, but frankly I’m bored and this might provide a few laughs. Discord, a cup please.”
“A cup?” the chaos god asked.
The sea god nodded. “Of course! Do you think I am going to guzzle from that bottle like an uncultured urchin? A cup, please.” Discord tilted his head before creating a simple red plastic cup, which he handed over with a trumpet fare.
“One for me as well,” Chrysalis said. When the others stared at her she quickly waved her forelegs. “Oh no no no, I am not doing this to help Twilight or Equestria or anything like that. Let them all burn for all I care! I don’t care… no, not at all!”
“Aw!” Discord said, blinking his eyes and making soft coos at the changeling queen. “Somepony is going soft!”
“I am not going soft! I just hope this gives me ideas for my next evil plan! It isn't because I feel an emotional connection to them!” Chrysalis snatched a cup from Discord and poured herself some of the potion. “Screw all of you, I totally do not feel close to Twilight or her friends because I spent so much time pretending to be Cadence that it rubbed off on me! I’m totally evil.”
“Sure sure, bottoms up,” Tydal said, taking a sip of his drink. Chrysalis did the same and the two blinked before letting out twin gasps, their eyes going pure white.
“…let’s shave’em,” Discord said, pulling out an electric razor.
“YAY!” Giggles exclaimed in glee.
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal looked around, brow furrowed in confusion. “Chrysalis?”
“I’m here,” the lanky mare said, blowing some strands of hair out of her eyes. She looked around, lips pursed together. “You know, I always thought modern Equestria was a colorful mess but apparently the phrase ‘tone-it-down’ hadn’t been invented yet.”
Tydal scowled, looking over the village. The houses looked like Giggles would have used them when playing with her dollies, the grass was such a shock of green that it looked like it had been painted, and the trees were utterly uniform and perfect. Glancing up, Tydal saw that even the clouds looked to be smiling down upon them. The slight wind that blew out of the west had a hint of peppermint to it and cocking his ear Tydal swore he could hear happy music trickling out all around him.
“I know this is all suppose to be sweet and nice…” Chrysalis said, eyes darting about, “but… uh… I’m kinda getting the creeps right now.”
Tydal stroked his beard. “Yes, I am getting a ‘too good to be true’ sense as well. But it isn’t like we were transported somewhere… this is the past. We are stuck in our heads, so we can't die or anything.”
“Does any of this look familiar to you, then?” Chrysalis said.
“I think this might be during my youth,” Tydal said, tapping his chin. “I remember that mother did a lot of work to repair the world when I was but a kid. Even Discord felt that things were just wrong. Poorly made and designed. Frightened the pudding out of him.”
“What could make Discord scared?” Chrysalis asked nervously.
Tydal opened his mouth to answer, only to snap it shut when he spotted a blue… thing… walking towards them. To call the creature a pony was to be rather kind. Her head was overly large, her legs several inches too small, and her eyes were even bigger than a normal pony’s. Tydal racked his brain, trying to figure out what exactly he was staring at, only to gasp slightly when he spotted the blue pony’s rainbow-colored mane.
“Rainbow Dash?” Tydal said in shock.
“Her? Rainbow Dash?” Chrysalis tilted her head. “You mean Twilight Sparkle’s lesbian friend? No... no no no. That is not Rainbow Dash! That thing looks like one of those fake lesbians from Ponywood movies… not the real ones like Rainbow Dash.”
Tydal pursed his lips. “Well, this is the past… I suppose that it might be a distant relative-“
“Oh darlings!” Rainbow Dash called out, the cultured clip of her voice nothing like the brash tone of the modern Rainbow Dash.
“By the Creator no!” Chrysalis screamed, scrambling away from the horrific mix of Rainbow Dash and Rarity.
“We should have never done this,” Tydal whispered in terror. “We played with forces we never should have and now have unleashed this horror.”
“I always dress with style!” Rainbow Dash declared.
“Make it stop, make it stop!” Chrysalis whimpered, clutching her ears.
Tydal fell to his knees and began to pray. “Our past is a horrid hellscape! Mother, forgive us! We did not know… we did not know!”
“Quick, we have to punch each other until we wake up!” Chrysalis screeched.
~MC~MC~MC~
“I think they are waking up,” Fluttershy said. Tydal groaned, blinking his eyes, only to find the yellow pegasus hovering an inch in front of his face. Fluttershy opened her mouth to shriek in shock but, when the war god didn’t even so much as let out a grunt, she merely stared down at him. “Uh… hello.”
“I am going to sit up now,” Tydal said calmly. “Please rise up so I do not strike you, little pony.”
“Oh… ok.” Fluttershy shifted away, allowing the capricorn to get back onto his hooves. He looked over at Merida and Giggles, the former chatting with Applejack while the latter laughed in utter delight at the funny faces Pinkie was making. “Welcome back, Lord Tydal.”
“Thank you, little one,” Tydal said, flexing his tail. He looked over at Chrysalis, who was still shivering in fright from what they had seen. “I have a very important question for Rainbow Dash.”
“Uh… yeah, what do you want?” She hovered in the arms, forelegs crossed over her chest. She looked utterly unrefined.
Tydal merely smiled. “Nevermind, you just answered it.” He looked over at Celestia and Luna and his smile grew more tender. The Princesses both leaned in towards him as he approached, nuzzling first one and then the other. “My little princesses…” He glanced over at Twilight. “Thank you for saving them.”
“You’re welcome, Lord Tydal, but it was all of us who saved them.”
“Yes, you and your ‘friends’,” Chrysalis said snidely. “Having parties and going on adventures and being bestest best friends and caring for each other and knowing about love and friendship and not being a lonely queen surrounded by minions who only want to know when what their next task is and aren’t as fun as the minions Gru has…” Merida rolled her eyes at her sister-in-law’s comments and gently bumped her flank against the changelings, cutting off the rest of her emotional ramble. “So, what evil doer failed worse than me?” Chrysalis asked, trying to perk herself up.
“Yes, who is at fault for all of this?” Tydal asked. “What poor soul do I get to torture and harm for DARING to hurt my little girls?” His tail swished in agitation at the thought of someone daring to kidnap what was his. “What pony or griffin or minotaur or centaur or bananatour will die by my hoof? What was the being-“
“It was the Tree of Harmony!” Pinkie said happily.
“…what?”
Merida and Giggles began to howl with laughter while Chrysalis snorted.
Applejack shifted a bit. “It was, your Lordship. We found the princesses wrapped up in those black vines things which had corrupted that there Tree of Harmony.”
Tydal slowly turned, staring at the princesses of Equestria. “You were defeated… by a tree.”
Twilight came to their defense. “Technically it was those evil black vines that Discord created-“
“ixnay on my involvement na,” Discord said, waving his hands rapidly.
The capricorn king scowled. “I don’t care who created them… you were beaten and captured by a tree?”
“A magic tree,” Luna said weakly.
“Oh, it was magical!” Tydal said with a roll of his eyes, his voice full of fake cheer. “Tell me, did the magic make it so the tree could walk and fight and not be A BLOODY TREE ROOTED TO THE BLOODY GROUND?!”
“…no?” Celestia finally said, cringing slightly.
“20.”
“20 what now?” Luna asked.
“20 laps around Ponyville.”
“WHAT?!?!” the alicorn sisters screamed.
“ You too, Discord, for being a pain.”
“And why should I?” Discord asked. “You aren’t the boss of me!”
“But I am and I think that is a great idea!” Fluttershy said with a nod.
Tydal turned his back on them. “Maybe that will teach you not to be defeated by a plant! Now then, I suggest we head to Sugar Cube Corner and get some cupcakes. I think King Fakeo is working the counter today.”
“…this is all your fault!” Celestia complained as she began trotting out her first lap.
“Mine… I was asleep when the vines attacked!”
“Oh, I hope I don’t get a blister,” Discord said, snapping his fingers and dressing all three of them in tank tops, sweatbands, shorts, and sneakers.
"I don't hear running!" Tydal called out, the three other immortals grumbling as they picked up the pace.
The pink-haired pegasus looked over at Twilight, her brow furrowed in confusion. They were trotting down a path that, while not overrun with vegetation, could not be called ‘clear’ in any sense of the word. “What do you mean, Twilight?”
“I mean all of this…” She gestured towards Rainbow Dash, who was happily chatting away with Daring Do, aka A.K. Yearling. They had barely managed to get through the little adventure they’d stumbled into and now Rainbow Dash was happily discussing with her idol all of her greatest moments. Daring, for her part, was bragging about those events as well. Neither pony acted like the other knew the details of said events… and neither cared that they both knew (and no one cared that the last sentence there was clunky!). It was a match made in heaven and would do little to not convince some ponies (like a couple of bakers who were still convinced Applejack and Rarity had a tragically beautiful, beautifully tragic, relationship) that Rainbow… that is… well… has lesbian tendencies (Twilight sucked a similes). Twilight lowered her voice so the rest of her friends couldn’t hear her. “I know for a fact-“
Twilight raised her voice so only her OTHER friends couldn’t hear her. “I know for a fact that you are the author of Daring Do, not this A.K. Yearling or whoever she is. I only played along because you slipped me that note, begging me not to reveal your secret. I also know for a fact that Ahuizotl doesn’t really exist. Trust me, I did the research when I was writing my fanfic, ‘The Many Secret Orgins of Ahuizotl’. And don’t get me started on Daring showing us a picture of her friends… including the unicorn who I know is based on me. So, what exactly was all this? What is going on? Who are all these ponies?”
Fluttershy smiled. “Oh. They’re cosplayers.”
Somewhere in the distance thunder ominously cracked.
“Say what now?” Twilight asked.
“Cosplayers.” More thunder rumbled. “You know… ponies that dress up like their favorite characters from books and plays and stuff and then go to conventions.”
“I know what a cos-“ Twilight looked around, pausing for a moment, before continuing, “-players are.” Thunder rumbled and she rolled her eyes. “Stop that!”
“Can’t!” a weatherpony called out. “Mayor Mare hates the sound of the word ‘cosplayers’ and is paying us a ton of bits to try and get people to stop saying it.”
Twilight looked at the weatherponies, waiting for them to reveal that the statement was a joke. She was sadly disappointed. “I hate living in a silly magical world sometimes,” Twilight muttered before turning back to Fluttershy. “So… everypony we met was a cos… an actor.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Oh yes. They are all quite dedicated to their craft. Gusty worked really hard to get her mane like Daring Do’s and Angel Bunny makes a wonderful Ahuizotl, wouldn’t you say?”
“…that makes so much sense it’s scary,” Twilight muttered. “So… you went to all this trouble just to keep Rainbow Dash from discovering your secret? Isn’t that a bit excessive-“
Rainbow Dash pointed at Daring Do. “I found a bunch of mistakes in your last story and I’d like to explain them all to you right now! And if you react badly I will spam you, noob!”
“No… no it isn’t,” Fluttershy said.
“You keep using ‘your’ when it should be ‘you’re’!” Rainbow shouted. “Use spellcheck, motherbucker! What, are you so lazy that you can’t proof read these stories? Why not get a beta reader, you-”
Cadence groaned, rubbing her forehead. It felt like she’d let a rhino tap dance on her skull but she knew that couldn’t be the case; she’d allowed one to do that once in college but had sworn off ever letting it happen again. The rhino had been upset but understood, accepting that everyone experimented in college. They’d parted ways and were friends on Ponybook but they’d never done that with each other ever again.
The princess of the Crystal Empire… which wasn’t really an Empire but a single city surrounded by a frozen wasteland… smacked her dry lips together, wishing she had some water or, better yet, chapstick. She knew that licking them would only make things worse and if it was one thing she hated, it was chapped lips. That and the fact that every beach was a ‘nude’ beach for ponies and thus made it so that the ‘nude’ part wasn’t that special at all. Her eyes felt like they were caked with donut glaze and every time she moved her jaw it clicked in a way she knew it shouldn’t. Cadence would have assumed she were hungover but even if she hadn’t ever experienced the feeling (she had a high tolerance) she’d walked in on Celestia after a bender to know what a hangover was like (It did not, of course, involve wacky hijinx and a friend being locked on the roof of a casino).
Cadence managed to pull her eyelids apart and looked up in confusion at the leaves rustling over her head. Unless Shining Armor had decided to redecorate there weren’t any trees in their bedroom…
The pink alicorn rolled her eyes. Of course she wasn’t in her bedroom… they’d left the Empire the day before last, journeying to Canterlot in order to see how the repairs were going. Discord’s little ‘black evil vines of evil’, as Twilight’s friend Rainbow Dash had called them, had done a number on sections of Equestria and the Crystal Empire and the Mareatine were doing their part to help. The Empire had sent their special living crystals, which could rapidly grow into homes, to serve as temporary houses while the Mareatine was bringing in fresh food (many of which were delicacies) to the poorer families so they wouldn’t starve. Cadence and Shining had known that Tydal and Merida had stayed in Canterlot for the last month to oversee the arrival and had even brought Coral, Misty, Giggles, and a century of capricorns soldiers to take over for the royal guard, so that Celestia’s forces could focus on repairing the different cities that had suffered. The Empire had thought that a great idea, only to substitute soldiers for artists and performers so that Equestrians would have something else to focus on. A play or a band did wonders for the soul.
But that still didn’t explain why she was in a forest by herself when she knew she’d last been in Canterlot.
Cadence took several deep breaths, mentally reviewing what she knew. For some reason she was lying out in the middle of some forest instead of her nice bed, her husband curling up next to her. Her head ached, her limbs felt like they had been broken and reset wrong, and every breath made her tummy hurt. Rocking back and forth, Cadence managed to flip herself off her back and, shakily, rose up on her hooves.
"What the..."
Cadence stared at the grass that surrounded her. Instead of it being the normal emerald green that she would have expected the pink princess saw that much of the small clearing she'd awoken in was soaked in a viscous red liquid that clung to everything it touched. She tilted her head, bringing one foreleg up to touch a crushed and goopy flower, only for her leg to twitch when she saw that it too was covered in the sticky fluid. Her horn glowed and she magically summoned a mirror so she could get a good look at herself.
Her reflection was doused in the fluid.
"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"MOVE!" Shining Armor screamed as he pushed his way through a crowd of ponies that had gathered on the sidewalk outside Sacred Heart Hospital in Canterlot. His breath was coming out in short gasps and his hooves struck the pavement hard enough to almost create sparks as he forced his way through the mob that had gathered to watch and gossip. Word had quickly spread about Princess Cadence suddenly teleporting into the main lobby of Sacred Heart, covered in blood and near hysterical, and now it seemed every pony in Equestria was staking out the hospital in hopes of seeing one of their princesses in utter distress.
"It's Captain Armor!" Shining burst through the crowd only to find himself facing the next barrier to getting to his wife: reporters. They rushed up to him, shoving their microphones and tape recorders in his face, forcing him to rear back, startled.
"Captain Armor, Lotus Lane of the Daily Planet! Is it true that the Crystal Empire will be forcing your wife to abdicate the throne, as this is her third mental breakdown?"
"J. Jabber Jamerpony, Daily Bugle! What do you say to the rumors that this is all Spider-Mare's fault? And get me pictures of Spider-Mare! Spider-Mare is to blame! Spider-Mare!"
"Rum Burgundy here... are you staying classy, Shining Armor?"
"Captain, Mica Northwest, NPR. Would you like to tell a long boring story about a bridge while speaking in a low, almost breathy voice?"
"ENOUGH!"
Shining shut his eyes and said a small prayer of thanks as Tydal stomped his way through the crowd, flanked by Celestia and Luna. The reporters considered for a moment pressing them but Tydal merely glared at them and suddenly the newsponies found the ground more interesting than Shining Armor. The king of the capricorns growled, lips pulled back to reveal his shark-like teeth.
"I suggest you back away and allow Captain Armor to see to his wife," Luna said calmly. "Or would you prefer to find out the answer to 'What is black and white and red all over?' I'll give you a hint... it involves your blood."
Princess Celestia stared down at her little ponies and all of them cringed. When the alicorn of the sun used that look they all felt like they were foals again, caught scribbling on the walls with a crayon. "I must say, I am deeply ashamed by how you have all acted. Instead of showing care and sympathy for Captain Armor and his wife, who are BOTH sovereigns of an allied nation, you chose to hound him?" She gestured to the writer from 'Great Dane Monthly', who was trying to hold onto the leashes of three of his dogs. "In some of your cases literally."
"It's not my fault, your highness... for some reason they are associating the captain with a yummy treat."
"Now, unless any of you would like an intimate look inside the ER..." Tydal threw his head back and let out a savage roar that sent every pony fleeing. "Hurumpf! Peasants."
"Thank you, all of you," Shining said as he led them into the main lobby.
"Think nothing of it, Shining," Celestia said. "You are family."
"Yes!" Luna said happily. "You are my dear Twilight Moonie's adopted brother!"
Celestia rolled her eyes. "...I was actually thinking more along the lines of him being married to our niece-"
"Sister," Tydal reminded them.
"Whatever, brother... father..." Celestia's brow screwed up. "We have a very confusing family tree."
"Excuse me," Shining said, trotting up to a chocolate-colored mare that was manning the desk.
"I wonder if she is the sassy nurse," Luna whispered.
“What makes you think that?”
“Heavy set… Earth pony… curly mane…”
“Luna!” Celestia complained. “Don’t be like that! Stereotypes are horrible things and when we-“
“Excuse me,” Shining said again.
The nurse looked at him, her eyes half shut. “Honey, can’t you see I am filling out paperwork. Now, you give me a minute and I MIGHT consider helping you, oookay? Okay.” She shook her head. “White stallions, demanding me to stop my paperwork to help them. Child, I swear he be crazy. Mmmmmhmmm!”
“Wow,” Celestia said.
“Called it!” Luna declared with glee. “Miss Sassy Nurse, when you have time could I ask you for advice when it comes to my personal problems. Television has taught me that mares like you give out good advice.”
“What is a ‘television’?” Tydal asked.
“It’s the thing that resulted in us all having jobs,” Wall Breaker said as he walked past them, a bouquet of flowers on his back. “I’m here to see my grandma, Ball Breaker?”
“Third floor, second room, sugar beat,” Sassy Nurse said. Wall Breaker nodded and happily trotted away. The nurse finally set her paperwork down and looked over at Shining. “Now, what can I do for you?”
“I’m here to see my wife, Princess Cadence? She was admitted-“
“Son, what in the name of our magical sun goddess-“
“Celestia, my name is Celestia.”
“-are you doing down here when that poor mare is up there needing some company?”
Shining looked her, confused. “But… you…”
“Nuh uh, don’t go blaming me for any of this. Ain’t my fault your priorities are screwed up. You get a move on, boy, and go beg your woman for forgiveness. Maybe go buy her a steak dinner and a nice coat. 5th floor, 3rd room on the right.” Sassy Nurse shook her head. “I swear, young stallions these days. Good for me Mr. Nurse knows how to treat a woman, mmmmhmmm!”
“Come along, Captain Armor,” Tydal said, pushing the stammering stallion towards the stairs. “Let’s leave the stereotypical nurse to her paperwork.”
‘You know, as I saw Lord Tydal push Captain Armor towards the stares, I thought-‘
“Stop thought narrating!” Luna shouted. “Its annoying and stupid!”
‘But how are you supposed to have a hospital without thought narrations and sexual tension between the doctors?’
“I don’t know and I don’t care, just stop it!” Luna snapped.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Cadence?" Shining said, knocking on the door of his wife's hospital suite. "You up?"
"Of course I am, are you?"
"...yes, of course I am. How would I-" Celestia leaned towards him and whispered quickly. "Oh... OH! Cadence, I told you to stop asking about that in public."
"Sorry sweetie," Cadence said as her family entered the room. Her eyes drifted to the bouquet Luna was holding. "Oh, what lovely flowers!"
"Thank you," Luna said. "They will look lovely in my room back at the castle." When the others stared at her the mare blinked in confusion. "What?"
"We thought you were bringing those for Cadence," Celestia said.
"Why?"
"Because... nevermind."
Tydal looked down at the pink alicorn. "Cadence, why did the doctors strap you to that bed?"
"Oh, they didn't!" Cadence said pleasantly, pulling on the restraints. "I just like being restrained while lying on a bed. Feels kinda unnatural for me not to be."
"Of course it does," Luna said dryly."How are you feeling?"
"Much better. Needless to say it was all quite a shock."
Celestia moved to stand with Tydal on the other side of the bed, giving Shining room to stand next to his wife and stroke her mane. "Have you talked to the Doctor yet?"
"Not yet," Cadence stated. "But he should be here any moment... thank you for getting him for me, I hear he is the best."
"Of course I am," an ornery unicorn stallion said as he hobbled into the suite. His coat was a dull gray and his short brown mane was an utter mess; it looked as if he had just rolled out of bed. His eyes had heavy bags under them and his coat around his muzzle had a permanent 5 o'clock shadow. Most noticeable was his rear right leg, which had clearly once been gravely injured and never set properly, causing him to limp about wherever he went. "Unfortunately for me, I did not receive the best when it comes to patients."
"Permission to kill." Tydal asked.
"Denied," Shining said.
"Hello Doctor House," Celestia said as the gray stallion made his way over to them, giving each deity a look that would have curdled milk (and had, in fact, once curdled orange juice, which should be quite impossible). "What can you tell us about my niece?"
"She is a pink airhead obsessed with sex. I can't believe you'd let her be in charge of graham crackers, let alone a whole nation."
"Hey, it is hard to keep all those crackers in line!" Cadence complained.
"Permission to kill." Tydal asked again.
"Denied."
"My sister meant Princess Cadence's condition, Doctor House."
The stallion just gave them a withering look before examining her. "She appears to be fine, other than suffering from some pulled muscles, a mild case of dehydration, and the fact that she is a moronic bimbo."
"Permission to kill."
"Denied!" Shining snapped. "Doctor, I was told that when they found my wife she was covered in... well..."
"Red sticky fluid!" Cadence exclaimed. "It was horrible! If I am going to be covered in sticky fluid I don't want to be the one roffied when it happens."
"You weren't roffied, you twit," Doctor House grunted.
"Permission not to kill?"
"De... nice try."
"Damn."
"What you were covered in wasn't blood," Doctor House stated, consulting her chart. "If you had any sense in that head of yours-"
"Listen to my skull rattle when I shake my head!" Cadence said happily, twitching back and forth.
"-you'd know that what you were covered in was Gummy Bear Juice."
"...what... the... (censored)," Tydal said.
"Oh, well that is good news!" Celestia stated.
"Good news?!?" Tydal roared. "Good news? What is wrong with you ponies?!? You two-" he pointed at Celestia and Luna, "-get kidnapped by a bloody tree and now Cadence has a fainting spell because some candy fluid got on her coat!?" He threw his head back and roared in frustration. "Creampuffs! I'm surrounded by bloody cream puffs!"
"Oooooo, can I have some?" Cadence asked happily.
Tydal's right eye twitched before he stormed out, growling about 'stupid princess ponies' the entire time.
Celstia sighed. "Please ignore him, Doctor House. He’s a capricorn-"
"That billy goat might be my new best friend," Doctor House said, a hint of emotion (other than distain) coloring his words.
"Ooooookay, I suggest we leave now." Luna leaned down and kissed Cadence's brow. "We'll visit you tomorrow, ok?"
"Bring me some snacks, ok?"
"We'll stop by the local sex shop and get you those edible panties you like," Celestia said.
"Get well, my love," Shining said, sharing a kiss with his wife.
"Gag me," Doctor House said as he joined the rest of the ponies in leaving the room.
Cadence smiled, happily reaching over to remove the stopper on her morphine drip. "Aaaaaaahhhh." Cadence slunk back against the bed, enjoying her medically induced bliss. The clock's hands continued their normal path and by the time Cadence awoke from her chemical-caused sleep night had fallen on Equestria.
Looking up at the sky, Cadence smiled as she spotted Luna's moon hanging high in the sky. She stared at it, feeling a wonderful peace (not as wonderful as the morphine but close enough) flood her body. She ignored the beep of the heart monitor or the straps cutting into her legs or the pain as her bones began to reform and her limbs twisted... she just kept staring even as her teeth sharpened into canines and her coat grew into a shaggy pelt. The moon was just so bright and brilliant and as she burst out of her restraints and pressed her paws against her shredded mattress she couldn't resist the urge to just-
(Tonight's Episode of 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' was directed by guest director Kevin Smith)
Rainbow Dash happily trotted past the line of angry ponies that were pounding on the doors of RST Video, paying no heed to the grumbles that were being directed at her by the upset customers. She stopped when one grabbed her by the wing and forced her to stop trotting.
"Listen, unless you are willing to buy me dinner first-"
The customer glared at her. "You were suppose to be opened by now!"
"No time for love, Doctor Jones!" Rainbow said, pulling away from the stallion.
"(censored)!" The stallion shouted.
Rainbow merely smirked, pulled her backwards hat tighter on her head, before heading into the Quick Stop. It was the usual assortment of ponies shopping: Mrs. Cake was checking all the milk to see if there was one with a later expiration date, Thunderlane was complaining that the coffee was hot, and Roseluck was upset that they didn't sell tires. Rainbow looked over at the register, blinking in surprise when she saw Twilight manning the counter.
"You're late," Twilight said. "I've been getting complaints for the last 2 hours!"
"What the (censored) are you doing here? It's your day off!"
"The boss made me come in, Bon Bon got sick."
"(Censored), if I knew you were here I'd have come later!" Rainbow leaned up against the counter and began to leaf through a magazine, showing no sign of actually thinking about doing her job. "You know, I was thinking in the shower-"
"I don't know if I want to hear the rest of this story."
"Ha ha. I was thinking in the shower about Monster High."
"Those dolls little girls buy that are monsters?"
"Those are the ones."
Twilight frowned. "You were naked and suddings up and suddenly you began to think about dolls for little girls?"
"What of it?"
"Just odd, that's all."
"I do my best thinking in the shower."
"Oh, I'm sure you do, I just find it odd." Twilight paused, getting a pack of cigarettes for a customer before turning back to Rainbow. "What did you think about them?"
"I just realized how unrealistic they are."
"They are dolls that are monsters... I think reality was already removed from them."
"I don't me our reality," Rainbow complained. "I mean that the reality in their world doesn't make any sense."
"The reality of their world?"
"You know... how fictional worlds have their own rules and stuff? In our world ponies can't turn into living metal but in the Marvel Universe there are mutants to cover up that fact." Twilight motioned for Rainbow to continue. "See, the monsters in Monster High know there are humans; they call them Normies and such. But the girls themselves aren't connected to them... they treat normal humans like they are a separate species."
Twilight frowned "And that's a problem?"
"Of course it is! Do you realize how many monsters are directly connected the humans? A vampire can only make another vampire by turning a human... so the teenage vampire girl must have been some poor child who was kidnapped, turned into a vampire, and then brainwashed to forget her real parents! The same for Frankenstein's kid; Frankenstein's Monster looks like he does because he was sewn together but that doesn't mean a baby of his would look the same. That would be like if I punched you in the (censored) your baby would be born with a bruised (censored). Makes no sense. Those are just two, mind you, but the fact remains that Monster High's reality doesn't make sense... either all these human-originated monsters have some kind of Monster DNA... MNA I guess... or Monster High is really a dark, twisted, dreary world that would give Tim Burton a woodie."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "If you put as much effort into working as you did these theories you might actually get ahead in life."
Before Rainbow could answer Pinkie Pie walked in, a black winter cap over her head and a long coat thrown over her. Just a step behind her was Silent Mac, her hetreo-lifemate. "Snooch to the nooch! You know what you two need is a fattie boom battie blunt. Then you'll be seeing sailboats and mermaids doing that (censored) lesbian (censored)!"
"Well Twist, are you ready to help at the candy shop?"
"Yeth I am, Grandpa Thugarcane!" Twist said happily. "I've been looking forward to it for tho long!" The filly happily trotted along side her grandfather, Canterlot's best and oldest candy maker. Sugarcane had been running his corner store for nearly 60 years, providing Canterlot's children sweets and goodies. Parents would take their children to the wonderful shop, showing them the glass cases and having their their sons and daughters sit at the same booth they had once sat in when they were young. Every pony had fond memories of Sugarcane's Candy Shop and would happily tell of all the magical times they'd spent within its walls.
"Well, now you get to work there just like your daddy did when he was a boy! For our family it is a great honor to help make treats for all the colts and fillies." Sugarcane smiled, lifting Twist up so she could sit on his back. "And do you know why?"
"Becauthe the candy man maketh all thorts of wonder thingth!"
"That's right," Sugarcane said, taking a deep breath as he opened the door to his shop. Twist grinned as music began to play overhead. "For the candy-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" Twist screamed.
Sugarcane instantly stopped singing, staring in utter horror at his shop. Every glass case had been shattered, the floor was torn up and deep claw marks marred the walls. The tables and chairs had been rendered kindling. The back door had been ripped from its hinges and lay shattered against the register, which was surprisingly left unharmed. All over the floor the remains of candy lay scattered. There were half eaten chocolate bars that had melted into puddles, jawbreakers that had been shattered, suckers licked down to their sticks, fudge smeared into sticky smears, peppermint sticks sucked to tiny little sharp points, and hundreds of torn wrappers lay about on the tile floor. Strangely, the only candy not eaten was the cheap crap that came wrapped in aluminium wrappers that Sugarcane had gotten by accident in his last shipment.
And there, lying in the middle of it all, was a snoozing Princess Cadence.
"Wha?" she mumbled, slowly raising her head as Twist's screams awoke her. Cadence looked about, eyes going wide in horror at the destruction that lay before her. She slowly reached up and pressed a hoof to her mouth, only to pull it away when she found her muzzle was coated in sticky chocolate. "What... what's happening to me?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"...should cover the damages," Princess Celestia said, handing Sugarcane a check. "You'll also see a bit extra for your kindness in keeping what happened here quiet."
"Of course, Princess," Sugarcane said. "Know that I will use this to not just repair my shop but make it better."
"I am glad to hear that!" Celestia said pleasantly.
"Thank you Printheth Thelethtia!" Twist said. "Thuch thowing of thympathy ith-"
Luna handed Twist another check. "For speech lessons."
"Thankths!"
That taken care of, Celestia and Luna trotted over to Shining and Tydal, who were doing their best to comfort Cadence, who was clearly shaken by her ordeal.
"I must say, you did rather well destroying this place," Tydal said.
"Not helping," Shining grounded out.
"I'm merely admiring the handiwork!" Tydal answered back. "Of course I am sad that Cadence is upset... but really, the way she destroyed this case here, ensuring that no matter what there was no way to rebuild it... Cadence, perhaps you could teach a class at my Keep about destruction of enemy property! Everyone seems to forget that battle is only half of war... the other half is demoralizing your opponents! Salt the Earth so nothing can grow!"
"Just... just stop talking," Shining said, rubbing Cadence's back.
"I don't understand how any of this happened!" Cadence whimpered. "I mean, one moment I was lying in my bed, looking out the window, and the next I awoke covered in chocolate!"
"Well, that isn't too odd," Celestia said. "We've all been there..." She blinked, shaking herself out of the memories of her high school years. She shut her eyes and began to mumble, "You aren't a fatty any more... food doesn't control you... do not give into your urges... it is nice being able to fit through doors..."
Luna tapped her chin. "Well, it is quiet clear that you have come under the power of a dangerous and dark curse that causes you to black out and engage in acts of destruction that you would not normally be a part of." When the others just stared at her the night princess let out a sigh. "Why does everyone forget that I majored in Spooky Things at Mareatine U?"
Cadence looked at Luna, using her back leg to itch her ear. "What, like I turn into some strange... lizard thing or something."
"Uh, no..." Luna said.
The pink princess thought about her situation, her head going down to lick areas only a doggie would lick. "Oh, you mean like a cat creature?"
"Not quite," Luna said, tilting her head.
Looking back at the lunar princess Cadence's tongue lulled out of her mouth and she began to pant. "Or maybe-"
"You know what, let's stop guessing until we get some expert help," Celestia suggested.
"You have someone in mind?" Shining asked.
Celestia nodded. "Yes... yes I do."
~An Hour Later in Ponyville...~
"Sister... surely you are joking."
Celestia looked at Luna, confused. "Why would I joke about this. I'll have you know that, despite her reputation, our expert is quite wise and knows much about the dark forces." She help open the flap of the tent and motioned her family inside. "Come on, come on, let's not keep her waiting."
Cadence sat down across from the gypsy-dressed pony, the mare's crystal ball resting on the table. The rest of the group gathered on either side of Cadence, offering her support.
"Who comes to speak to Madame Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"I do."
"Well, hello Eye Dew," Madame Pinkie said happily.
"I can't tell if she is joking or is really this stupid," Tydal muttered to Luna.
"I think it might be both."
"Shhhh!" Shining hissed.
Madame Pinkie waved her forelegs over her crystal ball. "And what brings you to my tent of mysticism and magic?"
"Aren't those the same thing?" Tydal asked, only to get elbowed by Shining. "Ow! How is that even possible... none of us have elbows!"
Celestia cleared her throat. "We are here because Cadence here has apparently come under the power of a dark curse."
The pink mare nodded. "Oh yes! I black out and when I wake up I have ended up in a new place surrounded by candy!"
"...I thought you said it was a dark curse," Madame Pinkie complained.
"The candy is already eaten."
Madame Pinkie gasped in horror. "Oh, the horror! So you came to me for aid and advice?"
Luna nodded. "We considered going to the witch doctor but all he usually says is 'ooo, eee, ooo, ah ah, ching chang, walla walla bing bang'. That isn't helpful at all."
"Yeah, he's a hack," Madame Pinkie said. "Now, let me glaze into my crystal ball-"
"Don't you mean gaze?" Shining asked.
"Nope," Pinkie said, taking out a bucket of donut glaze and covering the crystal ball in the sticky sugar liquid. "Now then... let us see let us see..." Pinkie peered into the now candy-covered ball before nodded. "yes... yes, I see. You, Cadence, were bitten by a candy werewolf. And Equestrian one at that... quick is good, because I don't know the air velocity of a Zebrican Candy Werewolf..."
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Tydal complained. "CANDY Werewolf? Why is everything in this bloody land so PG rated?'
"Maybe they compensate for your violence?" Luna suggested.
"No, that can't be..." Cadence said, shaking her head. "I'd remember being bit... the only thing I remember..."
~A few days earlier~
"I sure do love my midnight hikes!" Cadence said happily as she trotted through the forest. "the only thing that makes them better is eating a nice Charleston Chew-"
And then the candy werewolf leapt out, ate her candy, and bit her.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...Cadence, that is the very definition of being bit by a candy werewolf!" Luna complained.
"Is it? Huh, I never made the connection."
"I'm sorry, I'm still a bit fuzzy on all this... a candy werewolf?" Shining's brow furrowed. "Is that a werewolf made a candy?"
"Oh no no no no no; that would be a werecandywolf. Not to be confused with werewolf candy, which is used to tame werewolves. It comes in chocolate, butterscotch, and innocent flesh flavors."
"I think I know the restaurant that makes those," Tydal stated.
"My wife... turning to a werewolf? Could we focus on that?"
Madame Pinkie shook her head. "Not a mere werewolf, a candy werewolf. Totally different." Madame Pinkie pulled out an ancient book. "Its all described in this book I stole from Twilight... I wonder if she realizes its gone..."
~Meanwhile, at Twilight's Library...~
"Twilight, put down the knife!" Spike yelled.
"But... but the only place I haven't looked is INSIDE me!" the maniac lavender princess exclaimed, looking down at her belly.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm sure she won't mind," Celestia said.
Madame Pinkie motioned for the rest of the group to gather around, her left hoof pointing to a section of the book. The words, written in old Equestrian script, appeared under the image of a pony clutching their head, wolf wears and tail growing from their body.
"hmmm..." Celestia said, leaning down. "It says: 'Even a mare who is pure of heart, and says her prayers by night, might become a wolf when the sugarbeat blooms, and Luna's moon is bright'."
"Oh, so this is my fault?" Luna complained. "Sure, just because I am the goddess of the night and I majored in all things spooky and I one day got bored and created candy werewolves... you all blame me?"
"Ok, ok, ok..." Cadence said, breathing a bit harder than normal. "Ok... ok-"
"Stop saying ok!" Tydal snarled.
Cadence nodded. "Right.... right..."
"Oh get on with it!" Tydal bellowed.
"Yes, get on with it," Pinkie said.
"GET ON WITH IT!" the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail shouted.
Cadence squared her shoulders. "We know what is wrong with me... the full moon is making me turn into a... candy werewolf.” The others shifted awkwardly, realizing how stupid that name was… it was almost as if it had been created by an author who couldn’t think of a better name for the species… “But now that we know what is wrong we can figure out how to fix me!”
“Yes indeedie!” Madame Pinkie said before pulling out a shotgun. “Now hold still-“
“NO!” Shining said, shoving the gun to the side just as it went off.
“You owe me a new tent!” Madame Pinkie complained, pointing at the hole the blast had made.
“We are not shooting Cadence!” Shining complained.
“It was an aluminum bullet. Candy Werewolves are weak against aluminum. It would have made her only kinda dead. And hey, she would have been cured! Can’t turn into a candy werewolf if you’re dead!”
Cadence considered this.
“No!” Shining shouted. “No shooting my wife in the face!”
“Yes, only Vice Presidents can do that,” Celestia said. “Now then, there must be another way to break the curse.”
Madame Pinkie consulted her book. “Well, according to this… if we find the candy werewolf that bit her we can break the spell.”
"Do we have to kill it?" Cadence asked. "I'd feel bad killing something that is innocent."
"Oh no, you just need to hoof punch it over and over while insulting it. It works better if you are a bit of a grump and prone to violence to begin with."
Everyone turned and looked at Tydal.
“I was born for this moment,” he declared.
“Good, but we need to hurry,” Madame Pinkie said, motioning for the others to join her. They made their way outside, looking at the starry sky. “According to my research, Princess Cadence must be cured by the fourth full moon… otherwise she will become a candy werewolf forever! Luckily for us, there is no full moon in the sky, so we have plenty of time.”
“Actually, the moon is technically always full,” Luna said. “It only appears as a half or crescent moon because of the rotation of the Earth.”
Shining looked at her in surprise. “I did not know that.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!” Cadence screamed, gripping her head as her face began to turn into a wolf’s muzzle.
“Great, the curse apparently didn’t know it either until you blabbed!” Tydal snarled, pushing Pinkie behind him as Cadence’s bones cracked and she increased in size and mass. The pink alicorn snarled as her coat grew thicker, her eyes flashing as she looked at her family, the wolf fully in control.
“No, stop Cadence!” Shining shouted, putting himself between his wife and his friends. “Sweetheart… we have no candy for you to eat, ok?” the Cadence-Wolf looked at him, tilting her head and sniffing. She blinked when she realized that this was true. Shining took a cautious step towards her. “Listen my love… you need to fight this… if not for yourself and not for me… then for the fact that I refuse to have sex with something that isn’t my species.”
“This is dumb enough to work,” Luna muttered as the Cadence-Wolf let out a whimper.
Shining smiled as Cadence sat down on her haunches, her tag wagging slightly as he cautiously reached out to pet her. When he saw that she was calming down Shining took a deep breath, stilling talking to her in a soothing voice. “That’s right… no sex when I’m a pony and you’re a wolf. No way around that. We need to be the same species. So, why don’t we-“
Cadence promptly bit Shining on the leg.
“Oh wonderful, now there are two of them!” Tydal snarked as Shining panted in pain, his body already beginning to transform as well. Cadence-Wolf moved to guard her mate as his back began to swell and his bones shifted, the white stallion rapidly becoming a massive white and blue werewolf. “Nice going, you idiot, give the nympho ideas on how to sex you up!”
Cadence-Wolf and the new Shining-Wolf turned and snarled, glaring at the princesses, Madame Pinkie and Tydal, teeth gleaming as they began to approach.
“And now I think they want to add to the pack…” Celestia said, lighting up her horn.
“Will our heroes escape? Will Shining and Cadence be saved? Find out next time-“
“Please eat Plotdump first… he won’t be missed,” Luna grunted.
“And you are sure she’ll be ok, Nurse Braveheart?” Spike asked the medical pony.
The white mare rolled her eyes. “As well as she can be with 30 stitches in her stomach. Why exactly did Princess Twilight try to gut herself?”
“She was looking for a library book,” Spike said.
“…so I should just mark that down to normal Twilight Sparkle-related injures.”
“That would be wise. “ Spike waved goodbye to the nurse and hurried out the door. He looked about Ponyville as he walked back to the treehouse, happy in the knowledge that, at the very least, Twilight would be receiving the medical attention she needed. Not the psychological attention she needed, but sometimes dragons couldn't get what they wanted. The little drake couldn't help but smile as he realized that with Twilight in the hospital, Rollypolly having a sleepover at Dinky's house, and Owlicious working at the Happy Beaver (it was some sort of club... Spike didn't know what Owlicious did there but he always came home with a stack of sticky dollar bills) he had the library to himself.
The purple dragon rubbed his clawed hands together and cackled in delight. He was free... free to do whatever he wanted! To give into his naughtiest, most primal urges...
~An Hour Later...~
"Another scone, Spyro?" Spike asked. He was dressed in a dapper suit with a green pocket square just peaking out.
"Thank you, William." The large purple dragon accepted the treat, sipping his tea between bites. "I must say, old bean, it is quite nice of you to host our bookclub."
"Indeed," Charmander said, adjusting his spectacles.
William T. Dragon (Spike to his friends), gripped the ends of his smoking jacket and smiled. "But of course, gentlemen... I aim to provide for my friends and brethern."
"And you do well at both," Spyro stated. "Now then, shall we discuss chapter 12?"
"We shall," Shendu said, the massive dragon delicately sipping his tea. "I found my loathing of the main character only grew as she chose to commit herself to a life of hedonistic freedom rather than accept the vital role she played in racing her daughter."
"I disagree," Drogo the Black said, tibbling on a tea biscuit. "It was Marigold's turn to experience life and allow her husband to stay at home with their child. If she had shown some sembelnce of selfishness previously I would agree with you but for the first 12 years of marriage she sacrificed her own happiness for that of her family's. It is her time to try and find some enjoyment. It is her husband who is being selfish, refusing to scale back his own interests in the name of the family." He shook his head. "Men... am I right?"
Spike shrugged. "Well, I-"
"I AM BACK TO RETRIEVE BAG FOR CARRYING BOOKS!" Rollypolly announced, only to stop short as he looked at the book club. The dragons looked right back at the baby dalek. "NERDS!"
"So, any suggestions?" Luna asked, take a step away from the snarling candy werewolves.
Madame Pinkie nodded. "What if someone made a dip that was pizza sauce and toppings, then made the pizza dough into dipping bread sticks?"
"I meant about the situation we are currently in!"
"Oh... then no, I do not have an idea," Pinkie admited.
Celestia looked about rapidly, considering her surroundings. Tydal had taken point, snarling right back at the candy werewolves, his teeth bared as he pawed at the ground with his hoof. Cadence and Shining, for their parts, sniffed the air and lowered their heads, their hackles rising as they prepared to attack. The capricorn and the wolves glared at each other, fighting for dominance. The solar princess put all of her training under the war god to use, studying the terrian and all her options.
"Father, can you buy us a few minutes?" Celestia asked, the seeds of a plan begining to germinate.
"I believe so."
"Avoid getting bit!" Pinkie called out.
"Oh, I know how to avoid that." Tydal tensed, body trembling slightly. "You might want to move back!" The next instant he exploded in orangish white energy, the plume of fiery power rocketing into the sky and illuminating half of Ponyville. Even the wolves looked up in surprise as the column of raw energy shot into the sky, pushing the clouds apart and outshining the stars. Just as soon as it had begun the energy faded, revealing the monster of swirling water and black stone.
"Darkwater," Luna whispered, staring at her adopted father's 10% form.
The Cadence wolf snarled and leapt at Tydal with her mouth opened wide, only to yelp as she ended up with a mouth full of salt water. The sea god looked at her, her jaw clamped around his right foreleg, lightning crackling in his eyes. Luna watched, amazed, as the venomous saliva of the candy werewolf mixed with Tydal's watering form... and was instantly expelled.
"You thought you could curse me, little whore?" The Cadence wolf yelped as she was sent flying back, the beast of rock and water trotting towards her and the Shining wolf. "You and your ignorant, pathetic little mate think you are rivals to me? I am the storm... I am the monsoon!" Overhead thunder began to rumble. "Allow me to show you the error of your ways."
"What... is that?" Pinkie asked in shock as Tydal/Darkwater charged forward and violently stuck the Shining wolf in the side with his stone skull.
"You know how I was once Nightmare Moon?" Luna said. "That is Tydal playing a similar role. It is 10% form... Darkwater Abyss, the black king of the sea. As of his base emotions... his desires, his rage, is fears and regrets... all are brought to the surface."
Darkwater/Tydal reared back and let out a savage roar that shook several buildings.
"Oh, so you guys have 10% forms too?" Pinkie asked happily.
"...what do you mean, 'too'?" Luna asked, Celestia still focused on plotting her trap.
"Oh, I have one!" Pinkie said. Before Luna could even say a word Pinkie began to spin around until she'd transformed into a white pegasus with blonde hair. "SURPRISE!"
"...what?" Luna said.
"What?" Darkwater said.
"Woof?" the Cadence wolf said.
"What?" Pinkie said, instantly reverting to normal.
"I've got it!" Celestia exclaimed. "Father, lead them into Sugarcube Corner."
Tydal/Darkwater growled. "Why? I can kill them with ease-"
"De...de...denied!" the Shining wolf howled.
Tydal instantly reverted to his 1% form, a stunned look on his face. "...even as a wolf... you... you... I hate you! I hate you!" He stomped his hooves like a toddler and pouted.
"Tydal!" Celestia shouted.
"I've got this!" Luna said, grabbing a magic marker and drawing a crude lollypop on her butt. "Here wolfie wolfie wolfie!" she teased, twerking her behind at them. "I know you want it... I know you want it... but I'm a good girl!"
"Wow," Tydal said.
"Its hypnotic..." Madame Pinkie whispered, head nodding in time with Luna's bouncing buns. "Like a lava lamp."
"Oh these blurred lines!" Luna sang, tounge lulling out. The two werewolves howled and gave chase, Luna running into the bakery as fast as she could. "What, not a fan of that song?" The night Princess threw the door of the bakery open. She stopped, however, upon seeing it rather full. "What are all of you-"
"Oh, we're opened late now," Mr. Cake said. "Have to compete with Taco Bell, right?"
"Taco Bell is the stallion that runs the burrito shop across the street," Pinkie supplied. "Oh, and the candy werewolves are still behind us!"
The patrons screamed as the Cadence and Shining wolves burst in, their eyes instantly drawn to all the candy and sweets that were laid out before them. The two leapt at one of the cakes on display, tearing into it like a werewolf into a cake (wow, the simile really doesn't work here, does it?). Celestia merely stepped into the bakery and watched as their cursed friends munched on the sugary treat.
Then... Celestia smiled.
"Oh Mrs. Cake... those wolves don't have any money to pay for the cake they just ate."
"Dash and dinners?" the blue mare asked. She looked up and nodded to Pound and Pumpkin, who were sitting in the rafters; the twins giggles and released the rope they were holding, sending the Cake Family's Bread Cage right down on Shining and Cadence.
"And they are contained!" Celestia declared. "Everypony and every curse knows that candy werewolves can't escape cages made of bread."
"...what the hell are you on?" Tydal complained. "Its-MMMPFFF!" Luna clamped her hooves onto her father's mouth silencing him. Tydal blinked before the gleam of understanding filled his eyes. "I meant yes... yes, it is known to all!"
"I've always said that myself," Mrs. Cake stated.
The Shining and Cadence wolves slumped their shoulders and whimpered, staring at their doughy prison.
~An Hour Later...~
"I suppose it was too much to hope for that we wouldn't have to play dressup on this adventure." Princess Celestia was wearing a spagetti strap top, tight jeans, sensible yet fashionable shoes, and had several stakes, a bottle of her mother's tears, and some aluminum-edged daggers strapped to her sides. "I look that unicorn that was in Twilight's class back during her student days... Sunny Summers? I think that was her name."
"Oh come now sister," Luna said, adjusting the red hood that she wore over her head, "we are about to engage in a dangerous situation and a little bit of humor and good fun will help ease the burden." Her horn flared and she pulled out a massive claymore. "Now, does it have to be an aluminum bullet or can I just chop teh werewolf up into little pieces?"
Tydal adjusted the the wide brim hat he wore, a long faux-leather duster covering up all but the very end of his tail. On his back was a magic-powered automatic crossbow. "I personally find the mere fact we get to hunt down a werewolf to be a delight!"
"I do too!" Madame Pinkie said. She'd ditched her 'fortune-teller gypsy' outfit and donned her 'warrior gypsy princess' costume, which consisted of a lace bare-shoulder top, tight black pants, and sleek boots. "Now then, Princess Cadence was bit while trotting through the northern forests... specificy the Evil Forrest."
"Why is it called the Evil Forest?" Tydal asked.
Celestia shrugged. "It was named after its discoverer, Evil Forest. He was... well, not a bad pony but certainly not good."
"Sometimes I forget everything in this kingdom is ridiculous," Tydal muttered.
Luna cleared her throat, forcing the others to pay attention. "Now then... the only way to break the curse is find the candy werewolf that bit Cadence and punch it in the flank while calling it insulting names. The book is very specific about that. Doing so will break the curse and free Cadence and any pony she's bitten."
"We don't have much time though," Pinkie reminded them. "If we don't de-curse Cadence before she transforms two more times she'll be cursed for as long as you lose a friend after breaking their trust."
Luna frowned. "And how long is-"
"FOREVER!" Pinkie shouted right in her face.
"...thank you for that."
"I have actually thought this through and come up with a brilliant idea," Celestia said. "Luna, and hear me out very carefully... I need you to make the night... last for a touch longer."
Luna stared at her sister, one eyebrow raised. "I am suddenly having flashbacks to me being punted onto the moon."
"This time we are in total agreement," Celestia said, seeking to soothe her sister's fears. "If you keep the moon up Cadence won't transform back and that means we have extra time to find the candy werewolf that bit her."
"...even though I still think this is a trick to boot me back up there... I will do it."
"She tries it and I will punt her up there with you,” Tydal said, earning a hug from the moon goddess. “Only one problem remains," Tydal said, pointing to the bread cage. Celestia had paid for the cake and purchased the cage from the Cakes. "What do we do with...stop that!" Tydal remain up to the cage and glared at the two wolves who were in a very… compromising position. Tydal grabbed a squirt bottle and began to spray them. "Shining Armor, demount her now!"
The brute merely stared at him before getting back to business.
Tydal snarled, creating a bubble of icy water and drenching the two, causing Cadence and Shining to howl in protest. "I swear, if you do not stop going at it like... well, like wolves in heat... I will fix you both!"
"No need for that, Lord Tydal!" Pinkie said happily, bouncing over to him. "I already have called the perfect ponies to babysit your wolves." She stepped to the side. “Tada!”
Luna, Celestia, and Tydal looked down at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were all grins, then back at Pinkie; the three immortals merely stared at the pink mare.
“Trust me… I know they can handle it!”
~Literally 28 Seconds Later...~
"That's why you don't try to be Cutie Mark Wolf Tamers!" Luna exclaimed, looking down at the three wolf pups that were now in their own bread cage.
Wolfaloo, Wolfsbloom, and Wolfie Belle merely looked at their now hairy but still blank flanks and let out whimpering howls.
"Ok, I have a better idea!" Pinkie exclaimed happily.
~Another 10 Minutes Later...~
"Alright, we are all set... let's teleport," Luna said, charging her horn. Celestia joined her, Tydal and Pinkie standing next to them as the magic began to crackle and snap (but it did not pop).
"We'll be back soon!" Celestia called out just as they disappeared.
The now five werewolves looked at their babysitter, who merely stared them right back down. "I think the first thing we will do is listen to Angel Bunny's poetry!" Fluttershy said happily.
The wolves whimpered as Angel hopped over and pulled out a pair of reading glasses.
“Alright Spike, I think it is time we work on the Groovy Music spell,” Twilight said with a smile. “We were delayed by my little accident-“
“You mean how you gut yourself to find a book?” Spike asked as he flipped through the magazine Derpy had just delivered (‘Assistant Monthly’. The mag would have come out weekly but it spent three weeks helping ‘Crazy Pony Librarian Weekly’ put out its issues).
Twilight looked down at her stomach. “I never did find that book… nevermind though. Now that I am all healed up we can get back to work!”
“Why exactly do you need a spell to create Groovy Music?” the baby dragon asked.
Twilight looked at Spike like he was crazy (and this was the mare who was still recovering from gutting herself while looking for a book). “You never know when you might need it.”
Spike shook his head. “But music tends to play whenever we begin singing anyway.”
“…I don’t follow.”
“I mean that nearly once a week you and the rest of the ponies in Equestria decide to have elaborate song and dance numbers. When said dance number beings, the music just suddenly begins playing. So why would you need to make a spell to create something that happens naturally?”
“I have no idea what you are referring to,” Twilight said with a sniff.
“Yes you do! You do it all the time! I can do it right now! I mean, watch this!”
Spike
Hey (hey) What's the matter with your head? yeah... Hey (hey) What's the matter with your mind and all your sighing? And-a ooh-ohh Hey (hey) Nothin's a matter with your head, baby, find it Come on and find it Hell, with it, baby, 'cause you're fine and you're mine And you look so divine
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love
“…you’ve been hanging around with that talking raccoon, haven’t you?” Twilight asked once the song was over.
Spike huffed. “And what if I have?”
“I told you not to hang around them! They are a bad influence. They are criminals and thieves!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Oh, they are not! All of the Guardians are awesome.”
Twilight shook her head. “I don’t like how they are bothering Fluttershy…”
~MC~MC~MC~
“I am Groot.”
Fluttershy smiled and poured some tea into her teacup. “I see you are still suffering from your speech impediment, baby brother.”
“I am Groot.”
“Mom and dad are fine. You’ll visit them, won’t you?”
“I am Groot.”
“I’m glad.” Fluttershy turned to Drax. “More tea, Mr. Destroyer?”
The alien known as Drax the Destroyer nodded. “Yes, small winged horse. And in return for your kindness I will hunt down your enemies and smite them.”
“Oh, there is no need for that…”
“There is all the need,” Drax said, slamming his fist against the table. “ALL THE NEED!”
Somewhere, in Cloudsdale, all the ponies that had made fun of Flutterhsy during high school suddenly wet themselves.
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 30: WOLVES! Part 4
“So this is the Evil Forest, huh?” Pinkie said, looking about the shadow-shrouded clearly the group had teleported into. Even with Luna’s moon hanging in the sky the entire area had a dark, forboding feeling that made even the stoutest of hearts want to flee in terror. One didn’t know quite what the source of the terror was but it still swirled about in the air like a fine mist. It was the same feeling one would get walking into Kristen Stewart’s bedroom… you felt a tremble of dread run down your spine but didn’t know what exactly caused it. “Meh, I’ve seen better.”
“I’ve never understood the appeal of forests,” Tydal said. “Makes it too easy for your prey to escape.”
“Are you saying that you let prey escape?” Luna teased.
“On land? Yes. In the sea nothing can hide from me but out here, among all this… ugh…” Tydal looked at the trees in disgust. “This is just a horrid place, designed to restrict your ability to use all three dimensions fully.”
“I like the 4th dimension myself!” Pinkie said as she bounced along the trail. “And the 5th! Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Mxyzptlk?”
“…that explains so much and yet so little,” Celestia muttered.
"So, do we have any idea on how to actually lure this alpha candy wolf to us?" Celestia asked.
Tydal stroked his beard. "I'm not sure... usually I have a scent trail to follow when I hunt my prey." Tydal leaned down and, like a doggy, began to stiff the ground, circling around the two alicorns and Pinkie. “All I smell is bunny sweat and moss.”
"Well, allow an expert to take the lead," Luna said, summoning a large, dusty tome out of thin air. "Some of us actually went to college for this... and not to learn how to do keg stands."
Celestia was offended. "I'll have you know that doing keg stands had come in handing several times in my rule."
"Name 11 times it has," Luna charged before returning to her book. "Let's see here..."
"So... is she or isn't she Twilight's mom?" Pinkie asked Tydal. "Because honestly, I can't figure it out anymore."
"I believe the jury is still out on that."
~Meanwhile, in a courthouse in Canterlot...~
"Ponies, ponies!" Spitfire called out, slamming her hoof on the table. "We have been deadlocked for 2 weeks! We need to come to a decision now!"
"The Great and Powerful Juror #4 still says she can't be Nightmare Moon's daughter," Trixie said. "Nightmare Moon was imprisoned on the moon when Twilight was born."
"How do we know that Twilight was born when she says she was born?" Fleur asked. "It is entirely possible Twilight was born just before Princess Luna was banished and Princess Celestia placed the foal in stasis."
"She did it with Lord Tydal," Coco pointed out.
"Eeyup," Big Mac intoned.
"But why not announce it?" Trixie asked.
"The Great and Powerful Juror #4 has a point," Iron Will stated. "It’s like I always say: If you know something is true, then you must say it soon!"
"...that doesn't even rhyme," Zecora complained as the meeting descended into chaos.
"Rabble, rabble rabble!"
"Rabble rabble!"
"Rabble!"
Discord watched all of this in annoyance, sipping on his iced coffee. "Some ponies no longer care about the sacred duty that is Jury Duty." He paused, smiling. "Hee... duty."
~MC~MC~MC~
"So, we need to find something that will lure the alpha candy wolf in?" Pinkie asked. "What about a bunch of sweets?"
"No, that won't do," Celestia said. "There may be other candy werewolves out here. We put out candy and they might swarm us."
"That's right!" Tydal proclaimed, stomping his hoof. "And then I'd slaughter them all and have to make their skins into coats and I already have too many winter coats. My closet will not hold anymore!"
Luna flipped a page in the dusty book. "What we need to do is not lure in a candy werewolf... we need to lure in a monster. The other candy werewolves are poor innocents... but the alpha is a vicious monster." The goddess of the moon tapped her chin. "Now, what would appeal to a blood-thirsty monster?"
All three mares looked at Tydal.
"What?" he asked. "What? Why are you... oh, you can kiss the scaliest part of my ass!"
"I've got it!" Luna suddenly cried out. "Monsters love innocent, pure maidens!”
"That's because they are stupid," Tydal commented with a huff. "Give me a naughty nanny any day of the week." He smiled fondly. "My dear Merida might have looked all cute and innocent when I first met her... but the way she used her-"
"I don't think I'm old enough to hear this," Celestia said with terror-filled eyes (no matter how old or powerful... hearing about your parents doing it was always a horrifying thought).
"You are just the exception that proves the rule," Luna stated. "What we need is a pure mare who has never felt the caress of a stallion." She grinned, her horn glowing. "And I know just who to get."
~20 Minutes Later...~
"I'm so glad you weren't busy tonight, Miss Cheerilee!" Luna said happily, trotting beside the schoolmare.
"I must admit, I was surprised to receive your message, Princess," Miss Cheerilee said, a shaky smile on her face. "Though, to be honest, I'm not sure why you wanted to go on a walk through a creepy forest with me."
"Oh, I'm just eccentric. Now, let's gossip, ok? Any hot stallions in your life?"
Miss Cheerliee's smile faded. "Not a one. Seems like the only love and affection I get nowadays is from my 10 cats."
Luna flashed her a huge grin. "Perfect..."
"Are we sure this will work?" Celestia asked from the thick leafy bush she, Pinkie and Tydal were hiding in.
"If it doesn't then I'll call Dashie!" Pinkie said happily. "She is always going on about how she thinks stallions are yucky."
"That doesn't make her pure, Pinkie," Tydal pointed out.
The pink mare frowned. "But... but she is just like Miss Cheerilee! She even has a kitty she lets everypony pet. I’ve never met her but I know she exists!" The party planner nodded. "Yup, Rainbow Dash is always talking about having ponies pet her pus-"
"ARRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"What... what was that?" Miss Cheerilee asked, looking about the trees with dread.
"I am sure it was nothing."
"ARRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"That is a wolf!" Miss Cheerilee screamed in fear.
"What?" Luna said. "No... no. That is just the wind."
"I am pretty sure-" Miss Cheerilee didn't get to finish as another howl filled the air. "-that is a wolf!"
"Cheerilee you ignorant slut," Luna said, rolling her eyes. "Of course that isn't a wolf! It is the wind! If it was a wolf I wouldn't say it wasn't a wolf... I'd claim it was something else, like the wind."
"...what?"
"Listen, thanks for your help, bye now." Luna's horn glowed and the schoolmare instantly teleported away. "We've got a candy werewolf!"
"About bloody time!" Tydal snarled, leaping from the bush, his black hat and long duster billowing behind him as he snarled. "Let it come... let the savage beast learn just who stands against it!"
The trees shook and trembled, the ground waked, and birds took flight as the nearly 7 foot tall candy werewolf emerged from the treeline and entered the clearing the alicorns had chosen to spring their trap in. It was massive, well over 17 feet long with a thick black pelt and glowing red eyes. The beast's teeth were yellow with rain stains along its curled-back lips and strong jaw. The alpha let out a blast of air that nearly sent Pinkie flying and took a step forward, his paw sinking into the ground due to his weight.
Luna quickly joined Celestia in the hiding bush, questioning her life choices as she pulled her red hood tighter around her.
"Hello beastie," Tydal said, baring his own razor sharp teeth. His tail swung back and forth as he rolled his shoulders, the skies overhead becoming overcast as he began to draw all the water in the air towards him. A thick fog rolled in as the god of war let his own eyes flicker and go inky black. "I've been looking for you."
"Oh, have you?" the alpha said pleasantly.
"...what?"
The alpha promptly began to circle Tydal, his tone cordial. "I must say, I don't remember meeting you. Still, it is clear you know me. I apologize for my memories of you being incomplete and beg your forgiveness."
Tydal looked at his alicorn daughters. "I hate your country so much."
Luna and Celestia emerged from the hiding bush, Pinkie bouncing right behind them. "Are you the alpha candy werewolf?"
"I am," the beast said with a bow. "A thousand hellos to you both."
"Oh my... how polite," Celestia said.
"Gag me," Tydal grumbled. "And I mean that figuratively."
"Nuts," Pinkie said, tossing the ballgag she'd grabbed off to the side.
"Mr. Alpha, we have sought you out because your curse has fallen upon our friends." Luna looked up at the polite alpha and smiled. "Our niece/sister, depending on who you ask, was bitten by you and became a candy werewolf. She, in turn, bit several others."
"Well, I bite a lot of ponies," the alpha admitted. "I don't know if I remember this mare you speak of-"
"Pink, really slutty?" Celestia said.
"Ah. Yes, Cadence. Yes, I remember her."
Luna nodded. "We sought you in hopes of lifting the curse. According to the legend we need to beat you up while hurling insults at you."
The alpha laughed. "No need for that. I will remove the curse right now through my own magic." He closed his eyes and let out a howl that seemed to echo for miles. "There, it is done."
Celestia, who'd felt the magic of the alpha, bowed in thanks. "You have done us a kindness."
"Far from it. I just can't help but bite ponies... it is I who wronged you." The wolf's eyes lit up. "I have it... as an apology I will grant you one wish!"
"Really?" Luna asked.
"Yes! I am a wish-granting alpha candy werewolf. Merely speak what you desire and it is yours."
"I wish to beat you up while hurling insults at you," Tydal replied.
"Wait, what?" the wolf managed to say right before Tydal leapt onto him. "No... no! OW! OW!"
"Stop squirming and let me beat you up!" Tydal snarled as he began to spank the candy werewolf. "Now then, insults... your ass is big and flabby and while it makes it easier to spank you I feel you should still be ashamed!"
"OW!"
"Should... should we do something?" Pinkie asked.
"Nah... he's probably cranky and this will help him calm down," Luna said.
Celestia smiled. "He'll sleep well tonight."
"OOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"
~One Beating Later...~
Shining groaned. "Why... why am I in a bread cage?" He sniffed himself, his nose crinkling in disgust. "And why do I smell like sweat and shame."
"It is a long story," Luna said as she released the returned to normal Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Let us just say Cadence bit you, you turned into a candy werewolf yourself, so we trapped you in a bread cage until we restored you."
"...I vote we never speak of any of this again," Shining said.
"Agreed!" the rest of the squad intoned.
Cadence giggled in delight, hugging them all. "Well, I am thankful you cured me and you managed to do so quickly! I was worried that the curse would leave lasting repercussions."
"awwwoooo!"
Cadenc looked down at her tummy. "Huh, I must be hungry."
Her stomach rumbled slightly again. "awrooooo!"
Equestria Boys 2: Light Refracted Through Raindrops is a Type of Popular Music (Part 1)
The draconequus tried to flash his most innocent smile. He'd decided on a whim (which is how he decided most things) to sneak into Canterlot's Vault of Dangerous and Powerful Magic Thingies (tm) and just snoop around. He'd done his best to sneak past the guards and not trip any alarms, but it appeared that he had missed one. Now, instead of being all by himself, able to search the Vault to his heart's content, he found himself staring at Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Shining Armor, Chrysalis, and Tydal.
"Uh... nothing?"
"Drop the innocent act, Discord," Celestia said firmly. "We caught you red-handed."
"What? No!" Discord looked down to see that his hands were, indeed, quite red. "This is more of a maroon color. You caught me maroon handed." He gave a sniff of annoyance. “Really, you should try and be more literal.”
“I’m always literal,” Cadence stated. “Like, when I scream (censored) you, I actually mean I want to take your (oh my yes this is censored!) and then (by my glorious beard, how would you even do that?!?) and end it with a (I heard that’s how Ben Franklin died).”
“… how do you even walk straight?” Tydal asked Shining.
"Put down the Jewel of Four Souls," Luna said sternly, deciding to get them back to the issue at hand… hoof… whatever.
"But if I don't pay back Naraku he'll have his goons break my legs!" Discord whined.
"Drop... it," Celestia said slowly. The chaos god sighed and did as asked. "What made you believe we didn't have the Vault armed so it might alert us that your brand of magic was within its walls?"
"I thought it because I didn't think you'd be smart enough to do so."
"Well we were," Cadence said with a nod. "And by 'we' I mean we hired a home security firm and they suggested we install it."
Discord made himself pockets and stuffed his hands into them, looking down with a forlorn expression. "None of you are any fun."
Chrysalis, meanwhile, was looking over a nasty looking war hammer which was rumored to contain the soul of an insane troll (the bridge kind, not the Yahoo commenter kind). "Now, is this like a library where we can check things out or is it more like a Rent-Way?"
"Neither," Celestia said, place the jewel and the warhammer back where they belonged. "This is a sacred vault that holds some of the most dangerous and deadly artifacts in all of Equestria and we all must treat each item in here with dignity and-"
"Relic fight!" Discord shouted, grabbing some cursed jewels and throwing them at Chrysalis. The changeling queen laughed and began to use her magic to toss enchanted items right back at the chaos god.
"This is going to end badly, isn't it?" Shining asked.
Tydal pursed his lips. "It might not... I mean, there is a chance-"
"Weeee!" Cadence giggled, grabbing the Mirror of Worlds and throwing it as Luna. The moon goddess' eyes widened and she just managed to leap out of the way... only for the mirror to hit the ground and begin to tremble. "Uh... King Sombra did it?"
The Mirror fired off beams of light and its reflective surface became a great sucking vortex. The deities let out screams as they were drug in kicking and... well, screaming.
“With my last breath… I curse Spike the dragon!” Tydal screamed as he was the last yanked through the portal. “WIGGLES!”
And as quickly as it had begun... it was over, leaving the mirror lying there, silent and alone.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ow," Celestia said with a groan. "That... really hurt."
"Indeed, sister," Luna said, rising up where she had fallen. She rubbed her forehead. "I had forgotten what real pain felt like."
Celestia nodded. "This is why I decided against foalbirth and stuck with convincing ponies to let me raise their children instead. No pain and no dirty diapers." Celestia slowly stood up, running her fingers through her hair. She felt wobbly in her heels so she used the desk to support herself. "I hope I didn't break something..."
The sun goddess froze, lowering her arm so she could stare at her hand. Her fingers wiggled a bit and she began to tremble in fright. Luna had also fallen silent, staring at her decidedly NOT pony-sister, then at her decidedly not pony-self. The two took a deep breath each and, acting as sane and rational princesses, did the mature thing.
"..AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the two human sisters screamed, pointing at each other.
They then looked at their hands once more.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
The two clapped their hands over their flat faces.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
Both paused, grabbed the neckline of their shirts, and pulled them open so they could stare at their new breasts.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 31: Equestria Boys 2: Light Refracted Through Raindrops is a Type of Popular Music
"Ok, ok, ok," Celestia said, pacing up and down the office she'd found herself in. If it hadn't been for the trauma of waking up in strange new bodies the two sisters would have found the office quite nice. A solid desk, large window overlooking a grassy field, plush carpet... it was a perfect place for anything OTHER than discovering your body had transformed into a monstrous new form. "We need to stay calm. Panicking will not help us-"
"By our Mother, there are wiggly things at the end of my back hooves too!" Luna held up her bare dark blue foot, her toes twitching.
Celestia stared at the toes with the same horror one might express upon finding out Miley Cyrus was their new roommate. "...maybe... maybe that is just you..." Celestia quickly sat on the ground, ripping off her heels and stockings to find that, yes, she also had toes. "...AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What sort of hairless freaks are we?!?" Luna screamed to the heavens, waving wildly at her feet.
The door to the office opened violently, slamming against the wall before swinging back and hitting the opener in the face. "Ow." Opening the door at a slower pace, the new arrival stared at the sisters. While anyone else would have found it odd to find Celestia and Luna sitting on the ground pointing at their bare feet, the new arrival merely cried out, "Oh no... not you too!"
"Chrysalis?!?" Luna said, staring at the black skinned and green-haired woman. Unlike Celestia and Luna, who were wearing professional business attire (jackets of blouses, slacks, and short heeled heels), Chrysalis was sporting a leather jacket, a green tank top, and holey green jeans.
"Please... please help me!" the former changeling whimpered. "I am stuck in this horrid shape!"
"So are we!" Luna screamed. "Look at those... stubby things!" She thrust her foot in Chrysalis' face.
“I know!” Chrysalis whined, kicking off her strappy sandals to reveal that she had been curses with toes too.
“Get them away!” Celestia cried out, trying to crawl away from her own feet.
"You know, I hear there are ponies in Trotyo that pay money to see footage of creatures sticking their feet in each other’s faces.” The three former mares turned to see Tydal casually leaning against the doorway, happily eating an apple. Juice from the fruit trickled down his gray chin and along his muscular neck; if the three ladies weren't his baby sisters they would have found him very attractive, even in his new form. Unlike them, who had soft curves and lean bodies, Tydal was ripped with hard muscle. "Are you three done screaming?"
"Daddy... what happened to us?" Luna whispered, her fear causing her to revert to calling Tydal not by his name but by the title she had screamed out as a foal whenever a nightmare overtook her. Celestia, despite being thousands of years old and princess of a strong nation, also looked up at Tydal from where she sat on the carpet, confused tears dripping from her eyes. Chrysalis had ended up curling up next to the white woman, her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked back and forth.
"Oh... my little ponies." All humor left the war god as he shut the door. He hurried to the center of the room, tossing his coat on a desk chair before plunking himself down in the center of the office. Celestia, Luna and Chrysalis looked at him for a moment before slowly crawling over to him, their arms wrapping around him as they hugged him. None of them cared that they were far too old to behaving in such a foolish way; all three needed comfort at that moment. "Shhh... it is alright. Daddy is here." Tydal began to hum softly as he allowed his little sisters to cling to him.
"What... what is going on?" Celestia hiccupped, hiding her face against Tydal's shoulder in embarrassment.
Tydal leaned over and kissed her forehead. "We have been transported to the same world Shining Armor and I visited several months ago... the same one your Twilight Sparkle journeyed to."
"I didn't realize Twilight had to... undergo such changes." Luna looked at her fingers in disgust, her feet tucked under her so she didn't have to look at the flat things that had replaced her hooves.
Chrysalis, who'd laid her head on the sea god's lap, hugged his knee tight. "I don't like it here."
"Now now, there is plenty to love in this world," Tydal said with a smile, each arm wrapped around Celestia and Luna. "afterall, I met your mommy here."
Celestia blinked. She knew Merida (who was of course 'mommy'; their birthmother was just that: mother. Merida was mommy and always would be), had not always been a capricorn but when Tydal had described humans she had never pictured her... like this. "What... what are we?"
"They call themselves 'humans'. A rather interesting bunch... nothing in terms of magic but their abilities when it comes to battle and war are quite impressive. They are easily slashed by claw and tooth but they have managed to find ways to be the dominate species." Seeing the sour looks the three women were giving him he chuckled. "And they have created great works of song and dance and art... they have epic novels and grand plays and... and wonders that will leave you all breathless."
"That's nice," Chrysalis said, finally managing to control her sobs and sniffles. "But how do we get home? We… we aren’t stuck here, right?"
"Oh, of course not! We'll just need to find the portal that leads out. Won't be that hard, I know a pony... girl... whatever... that can help us out." Tydal smiled. "But I think we should take a few days to enjoy ourselves. I know I always have fun when I visit this world. I already sent a text to Shining-"
"A what?" Luna asked. “Is that a kind of bird?”
"...ok, so first things first, I need to give you three some culture lessons."
Before any of the three women could respond the door to the office opened, revealing Shining Armor. Of course, the only way Celestia, Luna and Chrysalis could tell it was Shining was due to his hair being the same and his white skin. He was dressed in jeans and a letterman jacket that bore Tydal's family crest with the words 'Mareatine University' upon it. Curled up against him was Cadence, also in human form, wearing a white turtleneck and a baby blue skirt.
"I'd make a joke about wanting to join your orgy but... I'm not in the mood," Cadence said, her eyes just as red as the other mares.
"Captain Armor," Tydal said with a nod.
"Lord Tydal."
"I see you found Cadence easily enough."
"We were apparently on a date... freaked out everyone in the park when Cadence began screaming about transforming into a hideous monster."
"Did you see the wiggly things at the end of your hooves too?" Luna asked.
"The what?" Cadence exclaimed, looking down at Celestia's still bare feet. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" She leapt into Shining’s arms, the young man struggling not to fall.
Shining winced. "Thank you, sweetie, I was hoping I'd lose my hearing in that ear." Shining focused on Tydal. "I assume you have a plan?"
"Spend a few days getting them use to these form then head home," Tydal stated. "It would be wise for them to be ok in them, in case we ever end up here again and need the tactical advantage."
The pony-turned-frat president nodded. "I agree." Seeing that the princesses and the changeling queen were making no move to let go of Tydal anytime soon, Shining went over to the sofa that was sitting across from the desk and plopped down, Cadence curling up in his lap and nuzzling him. "So, after we detangle ourselves we can focus on finding Discord," Shining said, rolling his eyes. It was clear the captain would prefer to do anything but. "Do you want me..."
Tydal nodded. "They are too skittish... I'll take Cadence and you find my brother and bring him back here. Then find Sunset… she’ll be a big help. Remember, Discord is powerless here."
Shining stopped at that, a sinful smile forming on his lips. "Re-he-he-he-heally?" The young man sat up and guided Cadence over to the group hug, his wife instantly glomping onto Tydal. "Take your time freeing yourself..." Shining threw back his head. “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Luna at Tydal, eyes narrowing as Shining left. “Are… are you crying?”
Tydal sniffed. “I’m just so proud of Captain Armor right now…”
~Meanwhile, across town…~
Discord kept twisting his head this way and that, his brow scrunched up as he looked about the library he’d found himself in. When he’d awoken he’d been surprised to discover that he was not only in a location that he’d never seen before but he was in a body he’d never assumed in the past. The strange face he wore was rather flat, with the top of his head bald and what hair he had on the back done up in a ponytail. He still had his little beard and his sole remaining fang (Tydal still refused to give back the other one), but his body, much to his annoyance, was all one shade. His arms and legs matched too and he was clothed in a rather bland brown suit.
But he didn’t mind that much… because as he looked moved about the library, staring at all the other beings in the room… beings that looked exactly like the ponies of Ponyville… he found the situation so strange, so weird, he couldn’t help…
What's this? What's this? There's weird things everywhere What's this? They all have so little hair What's this? I can't believe my eyes I must be dreaming Wake up, Dissy, this isn't fair What's this?
What's this? What's this? There's something very wrong What's this? I rarely break into song
What's this? This room is filled with bipedal creatures who stare Why do they all care? What’s the thing that I now wear!? What is this? What's this?
Everyone walks on legs instead of on their hooves They are all jog about And when I dance I’ve got some moves!
They are all wearing clothing Not one of them is nude And the females have boobies If I stare is that considered rude?
Oh, look What's this? None of them have tails, how weird This is all so strange, so dire Are they freaks of nature to be destroyed Should I set them all on fire? What's this? What's this?
In here, they've got some book, how weird no wait, its not nevermind
What do they call these crazy things That are lacking horns and wings? Not a single cutie mark The CMC should fit in Yes they would Yes they would Oh, none of this makes sense! What's this?
Oh my, what now? They’re telling me to shush Stop that, don’t give me a push! Try to kick me out, that isn’t fair, knock it off I am just singing, its not a big deal Every pony does it once a week! What's this?
The monsters are all missing And the parasprites can't be found And in their place there seems to be Ipods all around
Instead of apples, I swear I smell Teen Spirit in the air The smell of cakes and pies Is not found everywhere
The sights, the sounds They're everywhere and all around I've never felt so confused before This is really messing me completely up I think I’ve had quite enough
Just stop it, oh, just stop it Oh, I want to leave and go I've got to know I've got to know What is this place that I have found? What is this?!?!
“Well… that was odd.” Discord turned, panting after his song (without magic doing a whole music number took it out of him) startled to find a man standing in the doorway, watching him. The new arrival had pale gray skin that had a strange reflective tint to it. His hair was black save for a single forelock that was shockingly white. He wore a dark gray suit with a black dressshirt and yellow tie and as he stood there he kept checking his reflecting in a pocket mirror he was holding. “But now that you’ve finally arrived, Superintendent Discord... and you are done with your, uh, song, the school board meeting can begin.”
“School board?” Discord said, blinking in confusion.
“Of course, that is why we called you here… to discuss Canterlot High.” The man turned, gesturing to six other arrivals who were waiting in the hall. “But I’m being rude… I haven’t introduced you to all of us. This is Honesty,” a massive man, nearly 7 feet tall and built like a minatour, nodded, “Kindness,” a lean, waif-like blue woman with metallic pink hair merely smiled, “Loyalty,” a gold-skinned man in a suit that cost more than most houses merely smirked at Discord, “Generosity,” a woman who looked like she’d been carved from a diamond locked eyes with the chaos god, “Laughter,” a giggly pinkish woman with midnight black hair grinned wildly at him, “and Doubt,” a woman, standing in the shadows, her skin so black it made it look like she was part of the darkness around her, glowered at Discord.
The silver man held out his hand to Discord. “And you may call me… Faith.”
Equestria Boys 2: The Long Return of Something Not that Entertaining but Screw it, Better than Community Season 4
"Superintendent Discord, are you ready to begin?" Councilmen Honesty asked.
The former spirit of chaos (and current superintendent of Canterlot High) flashed a weak smile as he went through the briefcase he'd found; he assumed it was his since it was sitting on a table next to a little piece of folded paper that said 'Superintendent Discord S. Disharmony' (The S stood for Sexgod… or Spirit, depending on who you asked). "Yes, yes, in a few moments," he said, burying his nose in the briefcase. "Just need to gather a few more things..."
"I doubt you need a copy of 'Busty Breezies'," Loyalty said as he walked by, the golden man reaching out and snagging the magazine. "Though I can't fault you for your taste..." He looked over at the brooding member of the council. "Oh, I'm sorry Doubt, didn't mean to name check you."
"That never gets old, Loyalty," Doubt said quietly, her eyes narrowed into slits. "And if you are done goofing around I'd like to get this farce of a council meeting done with."
"Now now, let's be civil," Generosity said, pulling out a compact and checking her makeup. "No need to be rude."
"Yes, let's all act like professionals," Kindness said. "We are all on the same team."
"We are... it remains to be seen if the Superintendent is," Honesty said gravely.
"We agreed to not come to any judgments until all sides had spoken," Faith reminded them.
Discord frown. There was something rather disturbing about listening to the physical embodiments of the Elements of Harmony talk about him like he wasn't there. Oh yes, he'd figured out quite quickly that he was dealing with the Elements; it was pretty obvious when they blatantly went by 5 of the 6 names. The inclusion of the youngest one, the silver man with black locks named 'Faith' (and that was such a girl's name) was odd but no odder than 'Magic' being an element of harmony (he wondered if the Tree of Harmony had gotten drunk and pulled Magic out of its sap-hole when it realized it had ran out of ideas). In fact it made more sense as an element than Magic.
The inclusion of the dark and brooding female that went by the name 'Doubt', however... that one was making his snaggletooth twitch.
"Of course, baby brother," Loyalty said with a grin, patting Faith on the head before taking his seat at the school board table. He kicked his feet up onto the polished oak surface and leaned back in his chair, the adult magazine still firmly held in his hands. "Now then, let's get this show on the road, shall we? It feels like we've been here for ages."
"Over a year, I'd say!" Laughter replied with a chortle. "It's almost as if our entire existence is the creation of some fanfiction writer who ran into Writer's Block and then went to write other stories but they didn't get as many reviews as he'd liked so being a fickle bastard he came crawling back to us in the vain hope of recapturing some of the attention he'd once had!"
Laughter's brothers and sisters just stared at her.
"Or, you know, we've just been sitting here a for a few minutes," Generosity said, smacking her lips together to make sure her lipstick was spread evenly.
"Whatever the reason we are ready to begin," Honestly said. "Kindness, please read the minutes of the last meeting."
As the school board woman began to tell everyone about who had attended the last meeting and their decisions about the amount of nuggets per serving for the school lunch Discord leaned back in his chair and smiled. He'd been thrown off his game thanks to his strange new form, lack of powers, and the living embodiments of the Elements of Harmony but now he was back and ready for whatever this world threw at him. Yes, he lacked his magic but from the sounds of it he wouldn't need any snapping fingers or wiggling noses to spread some chaos around the boring little ‘burb he found himself in.
"Thank you, Kindness," Honesty said. "Now then, let us move to the main part of our agenda: determining if we should shut down Canterlot High and fire Superintendent Discord and the rest of the staff."
“And arrest them from gross negligence!” Generosity chimed in.
Discord opened his mouth only to find no words would come out.
"Superintendent?"
The Spirit of Chaos pulled at his collar. "Uh... can we have a 5 minute bathroom break?"
“I’d like one as well,” Loyalty said, turning a page. “Oh, those can’t be real!”
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 32: Equestria Boys 2: The Long Return of Something Not that Entertaining but Screw it, Better than Community Season 4
"Is everyone all set?" Tydal asked his little sisters.
"Yes," Chrysalis, Cadance, Luna and Celestia all said, standing in a line in front of him like good little soldiers.
"Do you all have on your thick woolly socks so you can't see the 'evil' toes?"
Luna lifted up a midnight blue stocking foot. "Check!"
The War God fought the urge to roll his eyes. When he’d first been a human he’d been stark naked and hadn’t freaked out like his sisters. Hell, Merida hadn't freaked out when she SAW him naked and trying to steal her gold. "And you will allow me to do most of the talking?" Tydal said, raising a single eyebrow.
"We follow your lead," Celestia said.
Tydal nodded. "Very good. No come on, let us-"
The door to his office opened and a heavy set older woman with her gray hair in a tight bun marched in, wagging a cooking spoon right at Celestia and Luna.
"Now you dang principals listen ta me and listen good! I've been makin' food in this cafeteria for years and if you think I'm going to let you cut down the number of apple deserts we serve from 37 to 31 ya'll are mistaken! I don't care what dang budget cuts you claim we need to make, these young'uns needs apples in their diet-"
"WHATEVER YOU WANT YOU CAN HAVE, SCARY MONKEY CREATURE!" Luna screamed at Granny Smith, trying to climb onto the coat rack. Celestia had merely frozen in place, eyes wide with terror.
"...well, I don't know about the new nickname ya'll given me but I'm thankful ya'll seen things my way!" She spun her spoon on her fingers before holstering it in her apron pocket, happily leaving the office and the four trembling former mares.
Tydal held his head in his hands. "Okay, let's start back at square one."
~MC~MC~MC~
"The fact remains that Canterlot High has been grossly mismanaged," Doubt said. She’d risen from her chair and was now pacing back and forth between the two sets of tables that were set up in the library. "It is bleeding money and frankly I have little hope that anything can be done to stem the loss. It would be better for us to shut down rather than pour more good money onto bad."
"I thought we were here to determine the facts, not state opinion," Faith said.
"We are doing exactly that," Doubt said tersely, glaring at the silver man.
Faith smirked at her. "Funny, because it sounds like you've already made up your mind."
"Haven't we all?" Doubt asked. "We all know what has been going on... why continue this farce?"
"I haven't made my decision," Faith said sternly, "and saying you have proves you are the wrong person to be leading this discussion."
"Calm down, baby brother," Loyalty said with a grin. "It is hard not to have an opinion when it comes to this."
"But Faith is right. We said we'd give the Superintendent the time to discuss our issues and so far we have done a poor job of doing that." Kindness nodded towards Discord. "Well?"
"Uh..." Discord said sheepishly. On one paw...er... talon... er... hand... he knew that what was happening didn't really affect him. It was clear that he'd ended up in another dimension and, somehow, found himself trapped in an alternate version of his body. He remembered well that his brother had been to such a world, and their Mother as well, and knew that it was only a matter of time before he got back to his semi-phenomenal nearly-cosmic self. These trivial matters were, quite frankly, beneath him.
And yet... to this world's Discord they mattered. He could tell by the files he'd found in his cluttered briefcase that his alternate self, while possessing the... free-spiritness... that he had, cared about this Canterlot High and the teachers and students that called it home 9 months out of the year. To bungle things up now and then leave the mess would be to mess up his own life; worse, it would be taking away things from his alternate self. Discord shuddered, remembering his time as stone, and vowed that he wouldn't rob this Discord of his freedom and livelihood as he had been robbed.
Besides, if the unemployment office was anything like the one in Equestria... there was chaos and then there was CHAOS.
"I believe it would best serve us if somepo...someone went through the list of offenses you claim have occurred and then I can present my own defense."
"That sounds fair," Generosity stated. "Better than spending hours going back and forth about the same thing and making all this overly complex."
"Allow me," Doubt said, snatching a piece of paper from the council table. She cleared her throat before beginning. "First, there is the poor graduation rate."
"I'm sure it can't be that bad..." Discord said.
"For the last 7 years the same young woman has won the crown for the Fall Formal," Doubt said, glaring at Discord. "She is, by all appearances, STILL a junior."
"So she was held back a few times..."
"Half your students have apparently been in high school for years," Doubt complained. "And then there is the lax in proper record keeping. Did you know I couldn't find an enrollment form for the last two winners of the Fall Formal, a Miss Sunset Shimmer and Miss Twilight Sparkle."
“And I find it very odd that Miss Sparkle was at your school when she is currently enrolled at a Crystal Prep,” Honesty stated.
“And there is the matter of the birth certificate for a Miss Sunset Shimmer…” Loyalty stated glibly.
“Oh, she’s Celestia’s kid,” Shining Armor said, throwing the doors open and marching into the room. “It’s a tragically beautiful story… or beautifully tragic. I can’t remember which. Hi Discord!” Before the humanized Spirit of Chaos could react Shining smacked him across the back of his head. “Oh, smooth move there!”
Discord just stared at Shining Armor is shock.
“Mr. Armor,” Faith said in surprise. “What is a representative for Crystal Prep doing here?”
“Crystal Prep?” Shining asked. “Huh, must have graduated since I was last here.” A bit louder he stated, “Don’t mind me, I just need to grab ol’ Stinkybutt here.”
“Excuse me?” Discord said, glaring at Shining Armor.
The white human merely grinned before smacking Discord on the back hard enough to nearly dislodge the Chaos God’s teeth. “I think it’s a great new nickname for you! I plan to use it while we’re here!”
“…you figured out I don’t have powers here and thus can abuse me as much as you want, didn’t you?”
Shining let out a mock gasp of surprise. “Wow! You figured it out! High five!” Shining’s hand lashed out and he smacked Discord in the forehead. “That’s for brainwashing my sister, Stinkybutt” he hissed.
“When we return…” Discord growled in annoyance.
“…I’m immortal now too, Stinkybutt… and Tydal and the Princesses gave me permission to abuse you!”
“Enough!” Doubt roared, slamming her fist against the table. “I will not have this meeting made into a mockery!”
“Yeah! Laughter does that enough as it is!” Loyalty said with a laugh. "Hey Discord, do you want the magazine back or-"
Laughter, for her part, was too busy trying to play classical music with all their drinking glasses. “What? I wasn’t paying attention.”
Honestly stood up to his full height and glared at Shining Armor. “I do not know why you are here and why you feel the need to interrupt but I am going to ask you to leave. This meeting does not involve you or your school! It is about Canterlot High-“
“And that is exactly why I am here!” Shining said with a grin. “We are having some issues and I need Discord to hurry up and get back. Requested by Princ…er… ipal Celestia herself!”
“Issues?” Generosity asked while Doubt flashed a feral grin.
“No, no issues!” Discord said quickly. “Not at all!”
“Uh yes, there are. You need to come with me,” Shining said.
“I really don’t,” Discord countered. “I need to stay here and finish the meeting and Canterlot High is running completely fine.”
“No, it isn’t. It is a mess and you need to come with me now.”
“I am sure you are exaggerating,” Discord said.
Shining shook his head. “Really I’m not.”
“Trust me,” Discord said with a fake smile, “you need to be.”
Shining rolled his eyes. “And trust me… you do!” Leaning in close he whispered, “The princesses are screaming about having toes… Tydal wants you back at the school now.”
“Toes?” Faith asked.
“Dean Tydal Coldwater?” Honesty said in confusion.
“Yeah, totally a thing,” Shining said, grabbing Discord’s arm and dragging him towards the door.
“Not a thing!” Discord called out. “The poor boy is insane. Dropped on his head as a child. Uh, everything's under control. It's why his parents decided to adopt Luna's daughter instead of producing another offspring! Situation normal.”
“Really?” Kindness asked, not sounding at all like she believed him.
"Luna has a kid?" Laughter asked. "As in small person or a billy goat?"
Shining shook his head. “Uh, no. We had a slight… school malfunction.”
Discord quickly chimed in, “But uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you." He looked at the board and weakly smiled. "How are you?”
Faith stood up and looked at the others. “I think it might be best with we postponed things. I’ll go with Superintendent Discord and Mr. Armor and see if there is a problem. That will also give me a chance to look the school over myself.”
It was Shining’s turn to panic. “Uh, uh... negative, negative. We had a reactor leak there now. Give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous.”
“All the more reason for me to come with,” Faith said, giving Shining a cool glare before moving to follow after him. “Brothers, sisters… Doubt… I say we come back tomorrow to discuss what I found.” With that Faith followed after Shining Armor and Discord, both of whom were trying to talk him out of going.
The rest of the schoolboard looked at each other before Honestly let out a sigh. “You know he’ll find an excuse to block the proposal.”
“Even if there is a leak?” Generosity asked.
“Especially if there is,” Loyalty commented, casually licking his finger and flipping a page. "I should really get a subscription to this..."
Kindness bit her lip. “Maybe we should think this over… I’m not exactly sold on shutting the high school down…”
Doubt let out a huff of frustration, gathering her things. “You all lack the will to do what must be done! I am tired of Faith being able to convince you all to give that school another chance over and over-“
Honesty glared at the dark female. “I would remind you that you are not President of this Council… I am. You are only here because you were married at one time to Faith… but with that union dissolved it is only at my pleasure you remain on the board… and I can revoke that privilege at any time. So watch yourself.”
“No, Honesty,” Doubt whispered to herself, “watch YOURSELF.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“See, this isn’t too bad,” Tydal said, leading the four former alicorns down the hallway. Luckily for them class was currently in session, meaning there were few students in the halls to see their Principal, Vice Principal, Drama Teacher, and the Dean of Crystal Prep holding each others' hands and walking in a line like a group of five year-olds on a field trip. The four were looking about nervously, head swiveling about as if they expected a monster to suddenly burst out of a classroom. “Completely normal, just like a normal school with normal students-“
“Who are scary bipedal ape monsters with wiggly toes,” Luna whimpered.
“…yeah,” Tydal muttered, calling upon the well of patience that every parent seemed to have when dealing with their kids and their irrational issues. He was ten seconds away from going to find them ice cream and balloons to calm them down when he spotted what he was looking for. “There she is!” He tugged on Celestia’s hand and forced the girls to hurry up. “According to the computer records she is in here.”
“You still haven’t told us who ‘she' is,” Chrysalis stated with a huff.
Rather than answer Tydal knocked on the door and a purple woman greeted him. “Dean Tydal? What are you doing here?”
“I need to see Sunset Shimmer; it concerns ‘Ponyville’.”
“Oh!” Sunset exclaimed, hurriedly grabbing her backpack and leaping from her seat. “Of course! That! I think my friends should come too. Come on girls… sorry, Miss Cheerilee.”
“No problem,” the teacher said pleasantly. “Oh, hello Principal Celestia! Are you here to sit in on our class?”
Celestia blinked. “No, I don’t-“
“Yes, she is!” Tydal said quickly. He leaned in towards the four and whispered, “this will be perfect. Just sit in there and listen… you don’t have to see anything new for a bit and might learn more about this world. I need to talk to Sunset in private for a moment but I’ll be right back.” His sisters gave him a concerned look but finally bravely nodded their heads and walked inside. Tydal began to walk down the hall, his arm wrapping around Sunset as he gave her a friendly hug. “Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie… not quite sure why you are here…”
“They are my friends now,” Sunset stated as she led Tydal into an unused classroom. “And they know about Equestria.”
“Oh,” Tydal stated. “Huh.”
“Yes,” Rarity stated, giving him a dirty look. “It wasn’t easy… what with you convincing dear Sunset here that she should ruin our lives and become an evil manipulative monster-“
“In fairness you DID mace me when I came to say hello,” Tydal pointed out before turning back to Sunset. “So they… know?”
“About Equestria? Yeah. Most people in the school now know.” When Tydal quirked an eyebrow at that Sunset sighed. “You heard about Twilight coming here, right?”
“You stole her crown,” Tydal said, a look of disapproval flashing on his features. “When we discussed how to improve your life here before I left last time I don’t remember ‘make an army of brainwashed teens’ being a topic of conversation.”
Sunset looked down. “Yeah… that was a messed up week. Sorry. But the point is that now pretty much everyone knows about Equestria and magic.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Sometimes we get pony ears and wings and tails… it is amazing! Can you do that?”
Tydal glanced up at his hornless head. “Not that I know of.”
“So you are one of them ponies too?” Applejack asked.
Tydal glared at her. “It is only because you are a minor that I do not smack you for that.” He puffed out his chest. “I am a Capricorn.”
“…you mean those goat things that only have two legs and drag their butts on the ground?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Tydal growled. “I have four legs…” he looked down at himself. “I mean… there I do. Here I… screw it. The point is that somehow my family and I got transported here because Discord is an idiot. Celestia and Luna and Cadence and Chrysalis are freaking out and I need your help getting them adjusted till we go home.”
“Why are they freaked out?” Pinkie asked. “This reality is awesome! We have pizza bagels!”
Sunset shrugged. “Well, Twilight was freaked out and so was I when we first came here…”
Tydal noticed the way Sunset was looking at her feet. “By the Tide, not you too with the toes!”
“Toes are freaky!” Sunset complained. “All wiggly and sticking out… ugh.”
“So that’s why you wear socks in the shower after gym class!” Applejack proclaimed. “I thought it was just a fashion statement.”
“I’ve been telling you it wasn’t for ages,” Rarity complained.
“Well, toes are… weird,” Fluttershy said.
“There is nothing to do with them!” Rainbow complained. “At least with legs you can kick things!”
“We are not here to debate the merits of toes!” Tydal roared. “And I never thought I’d have to say that.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “The point is… I need your help with my sisters. They are scared and confused and I want them to have a better understanding of this world.”
“Wait… so that is Princess Celestia? My Princess Celestia?” Sunset said.
“Oh right… she’s your mom, right?” Pinkie said. “That was established back in Episode 16.”
“…what?” Rarity said.
“You know, Episode 16. Equestria Boys. Shining Armor had sex with Cadence!”
“Admitedly they do that a lot already,” Tydal said before waving off that train of thought. “And yes, this is your Princess Celestia. I just realized how stressful and emotional it will be for you. Huh… well, I’ll be here to help you out.”
“That doesn’t make things better,” Rarity stated dryly.
“Hey!” Tydal snapped, wagging his finger at the white female. “When you can tell me where the hell your accent came from… then you can talk.” Rarity opened her mouth only to lean back, abashed. “Thought so.”
Sunset looked nervously at Tydal. “Uh…”
“Oh, don’t worry, I know she won’t ever be able to tell me where that accent came from.”
“No,” Sunset said, holding up a hand, “that’s not the problem. Do… do you realize what class you left the princesses in?”
“What? History? Math?”
“Sex Ed.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“The Miracle of Birth…” the narrator of the TV stated.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” Chrysalis screamed.
“NO! NO!” Celestia cried in horror.
“The newborn has now passed through the birthing canel and emerges-“
Luna trembled in horror, looking decidedly green around the gills. “The little monster monkey is tearing the bigger one apart!”
“Ew ew ew ew ew ew!” Celestia exclaimed, trying to cover her eyes.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” Chrysalis screamed.
“NO! NO!” Celestia screamed in horror.
“I’m never having sex again,” Cadence whimpered.
Luna pointed at the screen. “IT HAS LITTLE TOES!”
Equestria Boys 2- Return to the Land of Pastel-Colored Humans: The Special Extended Edition DVD Box Set with Director Commentary and 4 Hours of Bonus Features
“So, your entire family makes up the school board?” Shining asked Faith as they walked towards Canterlot High. “How did that end up happening? I mean, aren’t school board members normally… elected or… I don’t know, I don’t do elections.”
“Well, Canterlot High isn’t really a public school,” Faith stated. “It operates like one, yes, but technically it is a private school. It was set up by my family nearly a hundred years ago. The Element Family has been the backers of Canterlot High, Crystal Prep (which you should know because I thought you worked there), and a few other smaller schools for ages. In the past my cousins, aunts and uncles, and parents were all on the board but slowly they all retired and my siblings and I took our seats.” Faith’s smile faltered. “And… my ex did too.”
“The dark gloomy one, right?” Discord asked as he trudged after them (walking sucked so much and he longed to float through the air once more). “What is her problem?”
“We got hitched right after high school… one of those Vegas weddings… and divorced a year later. I try to be civil and have asked my family to treat her with respect but she certainly doesn’t make it easy.”
“Did she also go on meds that rendered her boring and fat?” Shining asked. “Because that’s what happened with my waifu.”
Discord glared at Shining. “Don’t ever call her that again. I hate that term.”
“Quiet, Stinkybutt.”
Discord took out a notebook and began to write it in. “I just want you to know I am jotting down all my ideas for revenge for when I get my-“ seeing Faith staring at him Discord lightly coughed, “-tuba… back from the… tune-smith.”
“I hope you understand the gravity of this situation,” Faith stated. “I for one am undecided on what to do with Canterlot High but there are some on the school board who want it torn down. It will take a majority vote and I could quite possibly be the swing vote that breaks the tie. I want to help you but I need to see proof that the school is being managed well. There have been… rumors.”
“Good rumors, like that we are the best school ever… or bad rumors like we are the best school ever?” Discord asked.
“Rumors like a junior trying to turn the school into an army, dark magic being thrown around, talking dogs, winged demons, pony girls, and hamsters forming their own little society within the school walls,” Faith stated.
“…so not good rumors.”
Shining chuckled. “What ol’ Stinkybutt is getting at is that everything is fine… the problem at the school is more of a personal one than one that concerns the school board-“
CRASH!
The three men stared at the ruins of the tv that lay at their feet. They slowly turned to see Luna heaving a VCR out the window. “DEATH TO SEX ED CLASS!”
“I find my concerns not put to rest,” Faith said dryly.
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 33: Equestria Boys 2- Return to the Land of Pastel-Colored Humans: The Special Extended Edition DVD Box Set with Director Commentary and 4 Hours of Bonus Features
“All things considered… I probably would have reacted the same way to that video,” Rarity stated.
Tydal pinched the bridge of his nose. “Not helping.”
“I thought babies came from storks,” Fluttershy said softly.
“And where did you think baby storks came from?” Sunset asked dryly.
“…oh!”
Luna stood up, her hands held out. “Can I just make a suggestion? We all go home… and blow this dimension up so the evil scary monkey toe creatures can’t ever find us. Some offense.”
“Don’tcha mean ‘no offense’?” Applejack asked.
“No.”
“Why is mass genocide always your first choice?” Tydal asked. Luna and Celestia gave him a dry look and he considered his words. “Just remembered that I raised you. Sorry, now it makes sense, moving on.” He gestured towards Sunset and her friends. “As I said earlier, I want everyone to understand how this world works and what it means to be a human. You never know when we might need to come here to assist Sunset or she may need to come to assist us.”
“Why would she need to come to Equestria?” Celestia asked, glancing over at her former student; Sunset, for her part, had the decency to look abash.
“You never know. Besides, she’s your daughter so that makes me her lovable grandpa and I for one would like to hang out more with my grandchild; I didn’t hang out with Luna’s kid and we all saw how she turned out. I’d like Sunset to be able to eat a brownie normally…” seeing the looks the other five teens were giving him Tydal cupped his head in his hands. “By my Mother, not you too!”
“What?” Sunset said, confused. “What’s wrong with how I eat brownies?”
“No offense, sugarcube… but ya look like that girl from The Exorcist.”
“Applejack!” Rarity exclaimed. “That was very rude! She looks far far worse!”
“She really does,” Fluttershy stated.
“It is terrifying,” Rainbow said with a full body shudder.
Sunset glared at Pinkie. “Is that why the Cakes always run out of brownies when I come to visit?”
“…maybe?”
“Okay… slight change of plans.” Tydal began to pace in front of the group, twirling the cane he’d found in Celestia’s office in his hands; the head was modeled after his tail-blade and twisting it allowed him to unsheathe a cane sword. “Applejack and Pinkie and Rarity, you get Cadence and Luna. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, you get Celestia and Chrysalis. Show them the ropes, teach them what it means to be human, get them to stop screaming about toes. Sunset, come with me.”
“Where are we going?” Sunset asked.
“Grandpa is going to teach you how to eat a brownie like a normal person… pony… whatever.”
~An Hour Later…~
“Are you sure you don’t want to see the football field again?” Shining asked nervously.
Faith rolled his eyes. “I believe I enjoyed the first 5 trips well enough, Mr. Armor. I’d rather find out why the Vice Principal of this school threw a tv out a window and screamed about how, and I quote, ‘baby makers should not stretch like that’, end quote.” The silver-skinned man rubbed his temples. “I am one that always looks for the bright spot in life and even I am beginning to think that Doubt has a point. I search and I search for a reason to allow your school to remain open but even my ability to seek out the silver lining fails as I-“
“You sure do like to talk a lot,” Discord pointed out, cutting into Faith’s monologue.
“I was state champ in Public Speaking back when I went to school…”
“At Canterlot High?” Shining asked, nudging the silver man.
“…yes,” Faith said softly. “I’d forgotten. It was here, at this school. This wonderful school where I made so many memories. Friendship and love and companionship… all of them-“
WHAM!
“Soccer… balls,” Faith said woozily, wobbling back and forth.
“Sorry!” Rainbow Dash called out, running over to them, grabbing the soccer ball that had bashed Faith in the face. She looked Shining Armor over, an eyebrow raised. “Wait a minute… what is someone from Crystal Prep doing here at our school… are you trying to get info on what we’ll be doing for the Friendship Games?!?”
“The… what now?” Shining asked. “Seriously, what is that? I mean, even by my world’s standards, that is a lame name.”
“Your world?” Faith asked with a groan.
“Shhh, you are just brain damaged, nothing to worry about,” Discord said, patting Faith on the shoulder… which caused the man to topple to the ground. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. And if not we can bury him in the desert!”
“Rainbow Dash!” Celestia called out, hurrying over towards the guys and the cyan teen. She had lost her jacket and unbuttoned her dress shirt to reveal a sporty tank top underneath; she’d also switched to a pair of sneakers, her heels sitting on a bench. “I told you that you didn’t need to kick that ball so hard.”
Rainbow rubbed the back of her head. “Uh… sorry Principal Celestia. I just wanted you to see how awesome feet were!”
“Are you still freaking out about feet and toes?” Shining asked.
“I really don’t see what the problem is with them,” Discord stated, his hands stuffed in his pockets. “I once spent a whole afternoon as nothing but toes!”
“Thank you for that horrible thought,” Chrysalis said, ambling over with Fluttershy. Her outfit had been less formal than Celestia’s so she’d only needed to grab some tennis shoes. “Who is tall, silver, and handsome?”
“Faith T. Element,” Shining said. “Apparently he’s-“
“Oh, he’s on the school board!” Fluttershy said with a smile, sitting down next to Faith and running her fingers along his brow, checking for any swelling. “He’s ever so nice! I wanted permission to set up birdhouses along the school and had to ask the school board. I was so scared but he walked over, patted me on the shoulder, and said that I should just speak my mind and everything would be okay! And it was!” The buttercream teen began to check him over. “I think he’ll be okay but Rainbow Dash, could you get my first aid kit? He could probably use some aspirin.”
“Sure!” Rainbow stated, hurrying back over to their gym bags and pulling out the kit. “Fluttershy took Sports Medicine back in Freshman year and she patches me up all the time when I get in a scrape!”
“I see you found Discord, Captain Armor,” Celestia stated as Fluttershy worked on Faith.
“Yeah, me and Ol’ Stinkybutt had a great time.”
“Celestia, I must protest!” Discord whined, stomping his foot. “Shining Armor is picking on me!”
“It isn’t fun when it’s not you doing the picking, is it?” Celestia asked.
“Of course not, that’s the point!”
Celestia put her hands on her hips. “And has this taught you anything? Perhaps about how it doesn’t feel good to have someone with power pick on you?”
“Yes! Yes it has!” Discord said.
“And could this lesson be applied to you?”
“…no! He’s PICKING on ME!”
“OH COME ON!” Sweetie Belle yelled off in the distance.
“Is he going to be okay?” Rainbow asked. “You’ll be able to fix him up, right?”
Chrysalis frowned. “You sound like you care about him.”
“Of course I do!” Rainbow exclaimed, only to realize what she was saying. “Er… not like that-“
“Coughlesbiancough,” Discord said.
“-it’s just that Faith is the coolest adult there is! He got the soccer team all new uniforms when they wanted us to get them second-hand.”
“That does sound nice…” Celestia began.
“By second hand they meant steal the clothing from hobos,” Rainbow said dryly.
“…ah.”
“Like I said…” Faith groaned, “Doubt has issues.”
Chrysalis moved closer to Shining and whispered, “I admit that I have mostly interacted with ponies when I’ve tried to drain them of their love… but so far every one we’ve met I’ve recognized… save for this Faith.”
“Discord thinks he is my sister’s Element given form. In our reality they came from the Tree of Harmony… but here they are actual living creatures. Considering Twily told me that when Spike came over he turned into a dog… I find it a bit easier to believe that the Elements would become living, breathing creatures in this strange world.”
Celestia, however, wore a frown. “Speaking of that there is something else that bothers me. When we came to this world we each took over the bodies of those that lived in this world. I also believe that Sunset Shimmer did the same. And yet Twilight and Spike… did not. Why?”
Discord shrugged. “Her winning personality? And by winning I mean she has a giant stick up her-“
“Take it slow, Mr. Element,” Fluttershy said, helping Faith stand up. “You might be a bit woozy.”
“I hope you don’t hold this against us,” Discord said. When Celestia raised an eyebrow at the Spirit of Chaos showing concern he grimaced. “The school board wants to shut the school down and level it.” The white woman’s eyes went wide at that and Discord nodded. “Yes, I don’t feel like going to the unemployment office either-“
“It’s not that… we’ll need to discuss this with the rest of the family.” Clearing her throat she said a bit louder, “Faith, if you would come with us we’ll let you meet with the rest of the staff.” The silver man nodded, Fluttershy still fussing over him as they walked towards the school. “As Discord said, I hope you don’t take the little… er… hitting you with a soccer ball thing… against us.”
Faith waved her off. “It’s fine. In fact I’d say it is a point in your favor. The principal of my school taking time after class to join her students in a friendly game? It speaks well to your dedication to your students and how much you care about them.”
“In that case maybe I should hit people with soccer balls more often!” Rainbow proclaimed.
“No no… I think the one time was fine enough,” Faith said, rubbing his sore cranium.
“So what are you doing here, Mr. Element?” Fluttershy asked as Shining opening the door for them to enter the school.
“Well, there are some on the school board who have grown concerned about how this school is being run and I decided to come here to see how things are… going…” Faith trailed off, a befuddled look on his face as he stared Cadence and Luna, who were sitting in the hallway, their shoes and socks off as Rarity and Pinkie worked on painting their toenails. “Uh…”
“Oh, don’t mind us, darling,” Rarity said with a grin. “These two were having some issues and we decided to pamper them a touch.”
Applejack nodded; she was leaning against a locker eating an apple. “I ain’t personally into all this fru fru stuff but it seems to have helped calm them down.”
“These ‘toes’ aren’t nearly so frightening when they’ve been painted!” Cadence proclaimed, shoving her foot in Shining face. “See! Pinkie painted little balloons on them!”
“That’s great, sweetheart,” Shining said, politely shoving his wife’s foot away from his face before leaning in and giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Mr. Element, this is my wife, Cadence.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” Celestia said, “I was under the impression you two got a divorce… but you never remarried?”
“Oh… that,” Shining said. “The paperwork never got turned in.”
“I kinda got hungry, back when I was on my meds… when those scrolls are bundled up they look just like burritos!” Cadence said with a blush. Shining chuckled and kissed her this time on the lips.
Discord just watched all this with a bemused smile. “Normally I’d be all for this craziness but we have a guest. Cadence, this is-“
“We’ve met,” Faith stated. “Dean Cadence, I must say that I find it wonderful to see you associating with Canterlot High. I’ve not liked how competitive your schools have gotten and seeing that, at the very least, you and Principal Celestia can consider each other friends warms my heart.” Faith paused, his eyes slowly drifting towards Luna. “Though… I have not had the chance to meet you.”
Luna stood up, padding over to the silver man, a goofy little smile on her lips as she twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “I’m Princ… I mean I’m Vice Principal Luna. And you are?”
“Faith,” he said, taking her free hand and kissing the back of it. “I wish you’d have come to our board meetings… it would have been nice to have something pretty to look at.”
Luna’s mouth went dry and suddenly she had a vision of Faith naked, a few choice ribbons carried by cherubs covering his naughty bits as he rode upon what looked to be an oyster shell.
“What’s the matter?” one of the cherub, who sounded speciously like Wallbreaker asked. “You never seen a naked silver guy riding on a giant clam before?”
Luna shook her head, forcing the vision from her mind. “I’m sorry, I was just horny-DAYDREAMING! I was daydreaming!”
“I’m daydreaming all the time!” Cadence said with a grin as she grabbed her shoes and socks. “Do you two want to be left alone while you try and purge thoughts of that sex ed class from your head?”
“I think we should find Tydal,” Shining stated. “We have some things to discuss.”
“Dean Tydal? The head of Mareatine University?” Faith asked. “Oh… that’s right… he’s your brother, isn’t he? I remember reading about that somewhere…”
“Brother, adopted father, it’s hard to decide sometimes,” Celestia said. She looked over and noticed Luna staring at Faith’s butt as he turned away. “Luna!”
“Those pants are so tight,” Luna whispered, only to get elbowed by her sister. “Ow!”
“Behave,” Celestia stated before following after Faith, who was being led by the teen towards the cafeteria. A few minutes later found them standing near a table where Tydal and Sunset were sitting, several Little Debbie wrappers scattered around them and brownie crumbs littering the table. “Any luck?”
“I think we’ve both gained four pounds and she still scares the hell out of me,” Tydal said. “But she is getting better.”
Sunset rubbed her tummy. “This stopped being fun after the 7th brownie.” Tydal gave her a hurt look and she quickly smiled, placing her hand over his. “Well, the eating part. Spending time with you…”
Tydal grinned at that. “You need to sneak away to my neck of the woods more often. I have a bedroom already made up for you-”
“You do?” Sunset said in surprise.
“Of course… you’re family.”
Sunset leapt over and hugged him, only to groan. “Ohhh…. brownies!”
“See, none of this dang-gum tummy aches would have happened if’n ya’ll would have eatin’ my deserts!” Granny Smith complained, wagging her spoon at Tydal and Sunset.
“Granny Smith, would you mind letting Faith inspect your kitchen?” The lunch lady shrugged and led Faith into the back, muttering how he was all skin and bones. Celestia motioned for everyone to sit down, Tydal raising an eyebrow and nodding towards where Faith had gone. “First things first… I feel we should lay our cards on the table. Girls, you know about… Sunset? And her… past choices?”
“Celestia,” Tydal said firmly, his arm still around Sunset, “be nice.”
“Sorry, father,” Celestia said, not using his name in lieu of his stern tone.
Tydal smiled sadly and patted her shoulder. “She made mistakes and has been forgiven here… I’d say the least you could do is forgive her yourself.”
“I… never blamed her for anything,” Celestia admitted. “If anything she should blame me…”
Sunset reached over and held the princess’ hand in her own. “We both were to blame. We made mistakes and both paid the price.” She got a sad little smile on her face. “I don’t think I could ever go back to being your student, however.”
Celestia sighed before glancing at Tydal. “I think you already have the makings of a better teacher. He did, after all, teach me everything I know.” Celestia then smiled. “And, of course, if the rumors are true about us…”
“Okay, so let me make sure I understand!” Pinkie said with a massive grin, pointing at each person in turn. “All of you came from a world where we are all talking magical ponies-“
“I am a capricorn, which is always better,” Tydal stated. “And Discord is a draconequus.”
“Sunset is your student and maybe your daughter, Principal Celestia. And you are the goddess of the sun and ruler of a whole country! Luna is your sister and Twilight’s maybe-mama, and both of you are Tydal’s sisters and also his adopted daughters. Cadence is your sister/niece and is married to Shining Armor who is NOT Luna’s son and she is the goddess of love while Luna controls the moon and Tydal the sea. Oh, and Supernintendo Discord is the god of chaos and also all of yours brother! And you are all here because you fell into a magic mirror like Twilight does and you want to find out what it is like to be human and to stop screaming about feet and toes!”
“I’ve actually grown to like them, thanks to the toenail polish,” Cadence stated, cuddling up to Shining.
“But now we have a new problem,” Discord stated. “The school board, or more accurately a gloomy little emo named Doubt, wants to tear down the school and fire all of us. I’m all for changes but that is drastic even for me!”
Sunset’s eyes went wide. “She can’t! The portal! Without it… I could never go home. I’d never see you again… I mean, I’d have the you of this world and he’s nice but…”
Tydal gave her a squeeze “Not going to happen. You’re family… family means no one gets left behind.”
“Thank you Stitch,” Discord muttered, earning a good-natured glare from Tydal.
“It’s worse than that,” Luna stated. “You have sensed what I sensed, haven’t you sister?”
“Indeed,” Celestia stated. “It is no coincidence that the portal between our world exists at this school. The air is thick with power here and it radiates through the walls. I feel that it is a nexus point, where the barrier between our two universes is at its thinnest. An attack on this school could very well cause the latent magics of this world to explode… even in a land such as Equestria, where magic is commonplace, that would be danger. Here though…”
“Here it could mean the end of your world,” Luna stated.
“Then we can’t let it happen,” Shining said firmly. “We have to convince the school board to keep Canterlot High open.”
“Principal Celestia!” an orange skinned, blue-haired teen yelled, hurrying over to them. “Principal Celestia!” He rushed over, grabbing onto Tydal’s shoulder. “I just-“
WHAM!
“YOU JUST PUNCHED FLASH SENTRY!” Cadence screamed as Flash crumpled to the ground.
Tydal lowered his fist. “I don’t know who that is.” He stood up and looked down at the moaning teen. “Don’t sneak up on a war god. Sunset, are you still made about him breaking your heart?”
“Nah, I’m over it,” Sunset said. “He wants to be gay, be gay.”
“…well, I’m your grandpa and I’m still pissed so I’m not saying sorry.”
“What the hell?!?” Faith shouted, running out of the kitchen.
“Ya didn’t finish your pie!” Granny complained, chasing after him.
“There is a student knocked out in the middle of the cafeteria!” Faith complained.
“…I’ll go get him so apple ice cream. That’ll help.”
“Ow,” Flash said, rubbing his forehead. He blinked, clearing the cobwebs from his head even as Fluttershy and Faith helped him up. “Principal Celestia!”
“What is it Flash?” Celestia asked.
“A man in a hardhat just gave me this and told me to tell everyone to leave the school!” Flash pulled out a letter and handed it to Celestia.
The white woman quickly read over the note. “It says the school board has elected to… tear down Canterlot High… TOMORROW MORNING!”
“WHAT!?!” Faith bellowed, snatching the letter out of her hands. He scanned the contents and growled. “No… no, this was not approved by the board! My family wouldn’t approve this behind my back! This is Doubt’s doing! She wants to get around me and my vote!”
“She would really do that?” Shining asked.
“She’s my ex wife and enjoys making me suffer.”
Discord blinked. “…you know, I’m retired from evil but I do have to applaud her… she is doing quite well at being a vindictive-“
“So our timeline went from a few days to roughly 12 hours,” Chrysalis said. “Welp, we’re screwed. Who wants to go break into the art teacher’s office and get baked?”
“I love baking!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Did we just hear that right?” Miss Cheerilee asked, stepping into the cafeteria. The rest of the faculty followed her, as did many of the different sports groups and afterschool clubs (they were all there to get some free food from Granny Smith, which was a bit of a ritual at Canterlot High). “The school is getting shut down?”
“But where will we go to school?” Scootaloo asked.
Cranky Doodle kicked at a chair. “And I was so close ta tenure!”
“I don’t want to go to Crystal Prep!” Octavia complained. “Their music program is ghastly!”
Vinyl merely bobbed her head, not hearing a word anyone said.
“We’re out of jobs?” Mr. Piles asked, taking off his glasses and cleaning them.
“But where will we hang out before I slay vampires?” Sunny Summers asked, her friend Willow sniffing sadly.
Mrs. Harshwhinny collapsed onto a bench. “Well, I guess it will be back to turning tricks in the Red Light District.”
“Of all the dramatic turn of events this is the worst… possible… thing!” Rarity exclaimed, pressing a hand to her forehead.
“Who wants apple fritters? Nothing makes you feel better after your life is ruined than an apple fritter!” Granny said.
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said in agreement.
Faith put his fingers to his mouth… and ended up making a spitty wet sound. “OKAY!” he yelled. “I can’t whistle so I’ll just have to shout!” The students and faculty grew silent as the silver man addressed them. “I’ll go to my brothers and sisters and get this figured out! I can postpone the demolition and figure out our options!”
The assembled group murmured to themselves and Tydal stood up, glaring at Faith. “Is that your answer? Hope for the best? Pitiful.” He leapt onto one of the tables and held out his arms. “This is your school! And this woman… this Doubt… she is trying to take it? Are you just going to stand there and let her?”
“Yes?” Apple Bloom said.
“…no,” Tydal said dryly. “We won’t let her have it.”
“And how do you propose we stop her?” Shining asked.
Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people Who will not let this Doubt win! When the beating of your heart Echoes the beating of the drums There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes!
Shining and Discord and Tydal (the two newcomers jumping onto the table and linking arms with Tydal)
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Protect these old gray walls save the school and gain victory?
Sunset (leaping onto the table)
Any who join the fight Get into Tydal’s college free!
The God Squad, Sunset and her friends (Tydal glares at Sunset but finally shrugs as they all sing)
Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people Who will not let this Doubt win! When the beating of your heart Echoes the beating of the drums There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes!
Luna, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Cadence (texting other students while teachers begin grabbing chairs and tables. Faith watches before joining them)
Will you give all you can give So that our school will never die Some will fall and some will live Will you stand up and take your try?
Celestia, Chrysalis, Pinkie, Rainbow, and Sunset (everyone marches outside and begins to pile up desks, tables, chairs. Faith throws off his tie and joins in)
The blood of the martyrs Will water the grass of Canterlot High!
The God Squad, the students and faculty, and Faith(as they begin to organize the furniture into a barricade around the school)
Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people Who will not let this Doubt win! When the beating of your heart Echoes the beating of the drums There is a life about to start When tomorrow comes!
Equestria Boys 2- The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading of Passengers Only: There is no Parking in the White Zone
Doubt grit her teeth as she parked next to Canterlot High, enraged that the bulldozers and wrecking balls were not moving. Oh, she wanted to be here for this moment and was thrilled she hadn’t missed it… but from the way the construction vehicles were just sitting there she knew that something had gone wrong.
It didn’t help that all the demolition workers were sitting on the ground eating breakfast without a care in the world.
“What is the meaning of this?” Doubt snarled, leaping out of the car the second it was shut off. She had a black blouse and long slacks that matched her skin tone, making her look like a living shadow. Only her white hair stood out… and her cruel flashing eyes. “Why are you just sitting here.”
“Heys, watch yous mouths!” one worker called out, bits of his egg mcmuffin tumbling from his lips and onto his gut, which was barely managing to cover his massive gut. “Wes ons a breakfast break overs here! COME ON!”
“Besides!” another worker who looked suspiciously like the first worker exclaimed. “We can’ts do much at the moments!”
“Maybe you could if you got off your asses!” Doubt snarled.
“Don’ts ya talk ta my brother Jimmy like that!” a third work snapped. “And apologize to my brother Jamie!”
“I thought you said his name was Jimmy,” Doubt stated.
“They are both my brothers.” The third waved his hand at the assorted men. “So is Johnny, Joey, Jerry, Jo Jerry, Jo Joey, Jerry Johnny, and Jammy Joomy!” he waved at each of the workers. “We’res eatin’ here!”
“Come ons!”
“Damn union,” Doubt grumbled under her breath. “Well, could you, at least, get to work AFTER your break.”
“ooooh, we’ds likes ta, but the big friggin wall that’s ins the way makes it a bit hard.”
“Big…” Doubt finally noticed that in front of the bulldozers was a massive wall of wood, brick, and all other matter of odds and ends. It had obviously been put together quickly with whatever could be found but was well over 15 feet tall and looked VERY sturdy. “What the hell is that?” She paused, blinking and cocking her ear towards the wall. “Is… is that singing?”
Unknown Singers (softly sung as Doubt stares at the wall)
Do you hear the people sing As they toiled all through the night It is the music of a people Who are ready for a fight For the students of this school There is a flame that never dies Even the darkest night will end And the sun will rise.
Unknown Singers (as they sing Celestia, Luna, and Sunset appear and stand on the barricade, Sunset holding Canterlot High’s flag)
They will live again in freedom When you get off of our grass We will walk behind the barricade All of you will leave on mass Your plots will be broken And all of us will kick Doubt’s ass!
The students and teachers of Canterlot High (all stand on the barricade, arms interlocked)
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Somewhere beyond the barricade Is there a world you long to see? Do you hear the people sing? Say, do you hear the distant drums? It is the future that we bring When tomorrow comes!
The students and teachers of CHS, The God Squad, and Faith (who flips off an enraged Doubt as Sunset waves the Canterlot High flag)
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Somewhere beyond the barricade Is there a world you long to see? Do you hear the people sing? Say, do you hear the distant drums? It is the future that we bring When tomorrow comes! Tomorrow comes! Tomorrow comes!
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 34: Equestria Boys 2- The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading of Passengers Only: There is no Parking in the White Zone
“So how long do you think we can hold out?” Rainbow asked, sitting down next to Celestia in her office. It was the middle of the afternoon and when the teachers and students weren’t taking shifts manning the barricade they were roaming about the school, relaxing and having fun. Pinkie had wisely spent her time during the night arranging for all manner of games, both board and electric, to be brought in; she’d also hauled from her house enough dvds to have three film festivals. The library was also open and Shining, after years of spending time with Twilight, had quickly set himself up there, handing out books to those that wanted to just hanging out and read. Discord was working with Pinkie to roam around and just lighten the mood. Luna had ventured off to secure the perimeter… and Faith had, for some reason, gone with her.
“Well the Apple family brought enough food for all of us to remain well fed for two weeks. After that it might get a bit rough but I have a few plans.” Celestia frowned. “I’m just worried about us staying mentally fit.”
“Don’t worry about it, teach, I got that covered!” Rainbow puffed out her chest. “I got the soccer and football team working on organizing a few tournaments in the gym; that way we stay physically fit. And don’t worry about toiletries and all that stuff; Rarity apparently took over the Home Ec. Room and is busy making us all new clothes. She also got Fluttershy to go get enough toiletries for all of us as well as pet food to feed the hamsters.”
Applejack entered the room and plopped down on Celestia’s desk. “She is also working on a shower schedule so we don’t stink up the place. Forced shower schedule, I should say. All and all it’s gonna be like a vacation.”
“It might feel like that at first but as time goes on it will get more tense… especially if the school board doesn’t bow to our demands.”
“Come on, teach, they are SO gonna bow!” Rainbow stated. “I mean, we must be making the national news and everything!” Rainbow grabbed a remote and flipped on the TV they’d set up.
“-hold the pickles hold the lettuce…”
“I’m sure it will be on soon,” Rainbow said as they waited for the commercial to end.
~MC~MC~MC~
“How goes it?” Sunset asked, climbing up the ladder onto the roof of the school. They’d set up some protective barriers and used the telescopes from the science lab to let them observe the demolition crew that was set up just beyond their barrier. “I brought snacks. You can have potato chips, Doritos, Fritos-“
“Did you bring any ketchup?” Discord asked.
“Yes, though I go on record as saying potato chips with ketchup is just strange. Is that like a God of Chaos thing?”
Tydal walked over and grabbed a bag for himself. “Nah, it just tastes good.” He broke open the Cheetos and frowned. “Ugh… orange fingers. I have found the sole flaw with this body’s design.”
“That is the SOLE flaw?” Discord asked, taking the bottle of ketchup and squirting it directly into the bag of chips.
“Okay, the sole flaw with hands,” Tydal admitted, looking at his butt. “I miss my tail.”
Sunset frowned. “Really? I found tails to be rather annoying.”
“Yes, but yours was just a lot of hair. Mine was a deadly weapon.”
“Mine makes me moo if you tug on it,” Discord stated. “Though admittedly it only happens on Wednesday.”
“That makes sense,” Tydal stated.
“It does?” Discord said in surprise.
“Well, for you.” Tydal sat down, motioning for Sunset and Discord to join him. “How is the mood downstairs?”
“Well enough,” Sunset stated. “Right now people are enjoying it because it hasn’t dawned on them what we’re doing.”
“Common in a siege,” Tydal stated. “I do admit it is weird to be on this side of one… I can’t remember the last time I had to be held up in a fortress.”
“When we stole those cupcakes from Zeena and we barricaded ourselves in Fuzzy’s house,” Discord said. “That was an interesting 3 months… especially since you were only a month old and I don’t think cognitive of what was going on.”
The three of them grew silent, eating their snacks as they watched what was going on below them. Big Mac was currently manning the barricade with Cranky, the two of them checking in on a few other students who were spending an hour watching out for anything suspicious. Doubt, meanwhile, was providing quite a show, what with how she ranted and raved at the demolition workers who had declared it was time for 5th lunch (it’s like second breakfast but with less hobbits!).
Sunset glanced at the men and realized that they weren’t actually watching Doubt or the barricade watchmen or the Teamsters. No, Discord and Tydal’s eyes seemed at once to be both fuzzy and sharp, focused on something and yet not looking at anything visible. Their pupils flit about as if they were following the riotous movements of a firefly. Their hands began to snap wildly, their movements becoming more extreme as they were being drawn deeper and deeper-
“Tydal!” Sunset shouted, giving him a hard shake.
The gray and green man snapped out of his daze, panting hard. He looked at Discord and placed a hand on his shoulder, drawing his eldest brother out of his own trance. “You saw it too?”
“Celestia was right,” Discord stated.
“Gee, that’s something I’ve never heard before,” Sunset said, rolling her eyes. “Okay, for the non-deity… what the hell just happened?”
Tydal waved his hand across the landscape. “We were following the lines of magic that are flowing around this school.”
“You… can see magic?” Sunset asked. “But I thought you didn’t have your magic?”
Discord looked down at his arm. “But that’s the funny thing… I think we still do. It’s just that it’s… this world’s magic.”
“I… don’t follow,” Sunset stated.
Tydal frowned, tapping his chin. “Discord, would you say that the magic is more like yours normally is… but suppressed at the same time?”
“Oh hoo hoo hoo! Yes! That is the exact way to word it!”
“So it’s like chaos magic… but not?” Sunset asked.
“No,” Tydal said, hating that he couldn’t explain properly what he was getting at. “It’s like it is… untamed magic that is waiting to be unleashed. Like a wild age in a fragile cage.”
Discord sighed. “If I could tap into my powers I’d have actually turned into that… and thrown my poop at Doubt.” He paused, grinning. “Technically could still-“
“NO!” Sunset and Tydal both shouted.
“Spoilsport.” The spirit of chaos slowly slid up next to his baby brother. “But I’m allowed to find… other ways to prank her, correct?”
Tydal’s grin was truly feral. “Oh big brother… how I have missed us being on the same side. By all means… seek and destroy.”
“Yeah… he’ll sleep well tonight,” Tydal said with a grin, removing his long coat and unbuttoning his shirt cuffs.
“What did you mean by you two ‘being on the same side again’?”
Tydal sighed. “I learned from Twilight Sparkle that you came into possession of her Element of Harmony and it transformed you into a demonic creature.” Sunset looked down, it clear that she hated the reminder of her past mistakes. “I don’t bring it up to shame you. I’m the God of War, after all… and I have done horrible things in my time. I’ve killed… a lot. And while the likes of Shining Armor may not believe it I am quite restrained nowadays compared to my youth.” He paused, considering his words carefully. “What do you know of my kind? Not Capricorns… but gods.”
Sunset considered this. “You are powerful. Immortal. You have complete mastery of something in the world.”
“Exactly,” Tydal said with a nod. “Allow me to explain though what our lives are like. We are born, learn to master our powers and abilities, discover other areas of control we might claim, and then settle into a life of our choosing. Some, like Celestia, choose the path of aiding the mortals. Others… slip into hedonism. It is easy for us to lose sight of the world… that is what happened to my brother. Rather than seeing his place in the grand scheme he sought to break it and rebuild it. He wanted to be on par with our mother… and the mistake cost him dearly. I hated him for a long time but I’ve come to understand why he did what he did… in part because of stallions like Shining Armor who made me see the same traits Discord had back then within myself. It was… not a kind wake up call but one I am glad I had. It is why, despite how much we bicker, I count Shining as my closest male friend. He saved me from myself. Celestia began it but we are all trying to do the same with Discord.” Tydal leaned back, his legs stretched out as he spoke. “Power runs strong in my family. My mother has it. I have it. My daughters have it.” He glanced at Sunset. “You have that power too.”
“Me?” Sunset asked. “No no no… at best I might have some unicorn magic but-“
“You do,” Tydal said. “And I get the feeling, very soon… you are going to be the key to everything that happens next.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“This is the plaintiff, Coco Pomel. She accused the defendants Flim and Flam Flimflam of cheating her out of $800.”
“How was I supposed to know the news isn’t on all the time and you can’t just flip on a tv and a news anchor will be talking about what you need to know!”Rainbow complained.
“Maybe because this isn’t a cartoon?” Applejack said in annoyance.
Celestia shook her head. “It’s fine, Applejack… it’s not like we have much to do while we wait to see what Doubt’s next move will be. We might as well enjoy some TV.”
“Awesome!” Rainbow proclaimed. “Let’s see if something better is on!” She flipped the channel and frowned. “Ugh, educational program.”
“The noble zebras of Africa. These exotic creatures roam in herds across the plains of the continent, eluding predators. Today, National Geographic will focus on one aspect of their lives: mating.”
“Uh, Principal Celestia?” Applejack said. “You’re… kinda droolin’…”
Celestia just stared at the screen. “That’s as big as my… oh my.”
Rainbow frowned. “Why is she acting like that? Is this another ‘toes are evil’ thing?”
Applejack stared at Rainbow and shook her head. “No, it ain’t, sugarcube. I think she’s just focused on that there zebra’s… zebrahood.”
“Why? All… of those things… are icky!”
“Yeah, I figured ya’d say that,” Applejack said with a smirk.
~MC~MC~MC~
“So you gained pony traits?” Cadence asked Rarity as the two of them worked on making some new pajamas for the pink skinned woman. Cadence had been forced to go to sleep in her blazer and skirt the night before; while she knew, thanks to her driver’s license, where her human half lived, it was clear across town and none of the visitors wanted to risk a trip during the night if it meant getting locked out of the school when the demo crew arrived. Rarity had been aghast at that and demanded that they make the visitors proper sleepwear first before they began work on other items they’d need.
“Oh yes,” Rarity said, carefully cutting along the pattern she’d printed; she’d found a wonderful little website full of patterns and designs for clothes and while she normally liked making things herself based on her own ideas the website had a ton of things for her to work with. She was already planning out her idea for a Siege Dance. ‘Perhaps with a French Theme!’ she thought to herself with a giddy grin. ‘None of those long dresses and silly hairdos of course… but a Les Mis design. Oh, Shining Armor would look so handsome in a white dressshirt and jacket with red lace. And Dean Tydal loves long coats… I could make him look like a rogue aristocrat!’
“With horns and wings and tails?” Cadence asked as she debated if she could make her new pajama bottoms have a rip-away crotch.
“Well, only the horn and tail… and between you and me, and please know I mean no offense, I simply don’t get the tail thing one bit. Oh, the horn was nice, though it would make wearing some of my more favorite hats difficult, but I simply don’t understand the uses for a tail!”
Cadence grinned. “Oh, it has many uses!”
(Author’s Note: We all see where this is going, right? I mean, seriously, I’ve been writing this version of Cadence for 74 friggin chapters! If you haven’t figured out what is going to happen then you obviously just started reading. If so… hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall! Today we… no, wait, that’s Linkara’s show. My bad. Let me try again; Hello and welcome to The God Squad. Instead of doing this joke again, let’s check in on what Human Twilight is doing right now…)
“Twilight?” Twilight Velvet called out, knocking on her daughter’s door. “Are in there… with a boy?”
“No mom!” Twilight called out happily. “Just me in here.”
“…are you sure there isn’t a boy in there?”
“Positive!”
Velvet grew quiet for a moment. “What about Spike and some peanut butter?”
“Nope, he’s playing outside and I only have some delicious baby carrots in here!”
“…you know, I think I forgot to turn on the porn blockers on the computers. I bet, if you hurried, you could look at some videos or maybe a naught picture? Maybe something that causes you to feel some stirrings?”
Twilight laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll turn the blockers back on for you!”
Velvet sighed. “My daughter will be a virgin forever.”
(Author’s Note: We now return you to the scene of the plot… oh, and this comic sucks! Hee.)
“Of course you can’t do that and then insert the tail in his mouth. That’s just wrong, even for me.” Cadence blinked, her held tilted to the side. Rarity was just staring at her, the white teen’s face alternating between absolute horror and abject lust. “Are you okay?”
“I can’t decide if I should scream or take notes,” Rarity stated
“Do both!” Cadence said with a grin, using her teeth to cut a piece of thread.
“I… suppose…” Rarity said slowly.
Cadence reached over and patted Rarity’s hand. “Many people in this world will tell you that you can’t do something. Don’t listen to them! If you want to scream in terror while also exploring how to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh then I say do it!”
“Well… thank you.” Rarity took out a notebook she usually used to jot down design ideas. “AAAAAAAA!!!” she screamed before scribbling some notes. “AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Do you hear screaming?” Faith asked, cocking his head to the side.
“Maybe,” Luna said with a shrug.
“What do you mean, maybe?” Faith asked, holding a board steady while Luna worked to pound a nail through it. Celestia had decided that, if the barricade fell, it would be wise to have a backup plan to protect the staff and students. Thus why Luna and Faith were on boarding-up-windows duty.
“I was raised by Tydal… screams are basically lullabies to me.”
“That… sounds awful,” Faith said.
Luna frowned. “Those screams were of those that threatened my life and that of my sister.”
“That just makes it sound even more awful!”
“What? You never had armies try to kidnap you in hopes of using you to better their claim for control and power?”
“…no, I grew up in a house with a yard and the worst I had to deal with is my bitch of an ex.”
Luna pursed her lips, gripping her hammer (‘hands certainly have their uses’) and pounding in another nail. “Sounds boring.”
“Growing up in a house with a yard is boring?” Faith asked.
“Of course! I learned the art of battle, visited tropical islands and hidden lands long forgotten by history, and been taught secrets lost to the ages. A few screams of agony aren’t that expensive of cost.” Luna stooped down to get another nail, and began to look for another spot to drive it. “So your ex… she’s the one that wants to tear down the school?”
“Yeah… I know how to pick them,” Faith said with a sigh. “It’s my fault. I tend to look for the best in people and it takes a lot to break my… well…”
“Faith?” Luna provided.
The silver man scowled. “I hate that joke. Yes, faith. I saw only Doubt’s good qualities and never truly saw her negative outlook until I was in too deep. She views everything is such a dark light and I just couldn’t be chained to someone like that.” He sighed, grabbing another board. “I just hate that my mistake is causing so many problems.”
“We all make mistakes,” Luna stated.
“Not as big as this one.”
“You thought I would stand by while they basked in your light?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that…”
Faith shook his head. “No one has ever goofed up as much as I did!”
“The night will last forever! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”
“Please… just stop talking.”
“I screwed up so bad…”
“All will love me and despair!”
“Seriously, just stop talking,” Luna said, pressing a finger against Faith’s lips. The silver man looked down at the digit and Luna yanked her hand away like his mouth was pure fire, a blush coloring her cheeks. “So… why do you think Doubt wants to do this? Land deal? Petty revenge?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Faith admitted. “She has been acting a bit strangely recently but I didn’t see any signs that she’d go to these lengths.”
“What signs?” Luna asked, setting her hammer down.
Faith shut his eyes, thinking the question over. “They seem like such small things. A glance here… ducking out of a school board meeting for something else… meeting with that businessman…”
“What businessman?” Luna asked.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Why haven’t you taken the school?”
Doubt sighed, running her fingers through her white locks. “I’m working on it. They’ve barricaded themselves inside-“
“You have bulldozers. I doubt whatever little barrier they’ve created can withstand steel driving through it.”
Doubt frowned. “Blame your workers for that! They refuse-“
“Because of your mistakes. Your faults. Don’t go blaming others for your problems. You allowed them to barricade themselves in that school. That is on you. Don’t come whining to me about your problems. Come to me with answers.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“SISTER!” Luna screamed, racing through the halls. “SISTER!!!”
“What?” Faith shouted, chasing after her. “What’s wrong?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“I want that school, Doubt. I want the power that lies within it. The magic. With it I will rule this world. I will tap into the energy that Sunset Shimmer discovered and bend it to my will! And you can either stand with me… or against me.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Luna?” Celestia asked, startled by her sister’s arrival. Luna was panting hard, her face pale and eyes wide. “What is it?”
“I know why this is happening… I know who is doing this.”
“Luna?”
“Doubt… she’s… she’s in league with-“
~MC~MC~MC~
“Have I made myself clear?” the man asked, his green and black eyes flashing as he leaned over his desk, his long dark hair falling over his shoulders while the pendant he wore around his neck, made of dark red glass in the shape of a horn, seemed to shimmer even in the darkness that hung around him
“Of course… Mr. Sombra.”
Equestria Boy's 2: The Return of the Revenge of the Rise of the Continued Adventures of the Reckoning of the Reloaded Legend of Curly's Gold...in Stereo
It was an ordinary day at the Ponyville Farmers' Market. All the local shops and growers were manning their stalls (which sounds really weird, because they weren’t men. I mean should we say they were ‘stallioning’ the stalls? ‘ponying’ the stalls? Seriously, sometimes this language makes no sense. Do you think Discord created it? Holy crap, what if Discord purposely made all of Equestrian language nuts and it was his final secret ‘screw you’ and every time Twilight goes ‘everypony’ he is laughing his butt off? Wow, that would be evil and funny at the same time!), selling special delights to their friends and neighbors. Each stall had at least two ponies working it as it was not uncommon for one to hurry off to go get something from one seller only to return to find their partner selling to the other seller's brother or sister. Apples (The food kind, not the Steve Jobs kind), carrots, pumpkins, potatoes, cakes, sweets, breads, and other treats were all on sale; the air was filled with the delicious scents and aromas that could make any pony's mouth water. All and all it was a completely normal midmorning in the little town of Ponyville.
Which is why, of course, it was at that moment a green portal appeared out of thin air and three humans stepped out onto the street.
The oldest of the three crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes in annoyance. "There we- urp!- are, Summer! I hope you're happy! Pretty little unicorns!" He never noticed the spit up that was now smeared on his chin. He pointed at a pegasus. “And look, we also have –uuuurrrp!- ones with wings and ones with nothing! So, yeah know, suck on that!”
"Grandpa Rick!" Summer, the sole female in the group, snapped. "All I said was that Unikitty was my favorite character in the Lego Movie!"
"And I, Summer-" Rick let out a belch, "said that Unikitty was stupid and that unicorns were better and, if I might- urp!- add, REAL! Not like your –urp!- fake building block character!"
"He did say that Summer," the final member of the group, a preteen boy with brown hair and a jittery attitude, stated.
"Thanks Morty," Rick said with a grunt. "Though I had it handled just fine so no need to be a kiss ass." He looked around at the startled Ponyville citizens and held out his hands. "Alright, alright, nothing to see here! My grandkids wanted to see some unicorns so I decided to vis-urp-it your dimension! Go about your lives... unless any of you have some booze,” he pulled out his flask and wiggled it, “I'm a bit tapped out."
"Huh... humans," Bon Bon said in shock. She turned to her ‘best friend’ (you know, like how hookers are ‘paid friends’ to men with $500 bucks). "Lyra, you want to-"
"No, I'm good," the unicorn said quickly.
"Gee Rick, I can't believe there is a whole dimension where ponies became the dominate species," Morty said as they began to walk around the stalls.
"Believe it, Morty. The multiverse is a strange place. I hear there is one dimension where Justin Bieber is an actual musician and not... uh... whatever the hell he is."
"He's a musician in our reality too, Grandpa Rick," Summer said.
"Sure he is, Summer" Rick said with a grunt, approaching the Sweet Apple Acres stall. "Listen, you guys, ponies, whatever, got any hard cider?"
"Rick Sanchez?" Granny Smith said.
"Granny Smith?!?" Rick said in shock. “Wow… you look good.”
Granny wagged her eyebrows. “Shoot, ya look good yarself!”
"Rick? You know this pony?" Morty asked.
"Okay, full disclosure and you aren't allowed to judge... but we use to date."
Big Mac’s eyes went wide. “…nope!”
And with that he ran away.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 35: Equestria Boy's 2: The Return of the Revenge of the Rise of the Continued Adventures of the Reckoning of the Reloaded Legend of Curly's Gold...in Stereo
"So we're sure that King Sombra is the one behind all this?" Shining Armor asked. The princesses, Discord, Tydal, Sunset and her friends, Faith, and the royal consort of the Crystal Empire were seated in the library discussing Luna's revelation. It had been decided to let Faith in on the truth of magic and their being from an alternate world; the silver man had merely raised an eyebrow and motioned for them to continue.
"Positive," Luna said, shoving a photo she'd gotten Rainbow Dash to print off of the Google Search they'd run. It was the standard glamour shot many CEOS were want to take: a gray-skinned man with flowing black hair stood in front of his desk, his body clad in a black and red suit. He had a necklace on with a pendant shaped like King Sombra's horn and his green eyes seemed, even in the picture, to flicker with malevolent intent. There was no mistaking who he was the doppelganger of. "But here he is known as Mr. Sombra and is a land developer."
Tydal growled, balling his hand into a fist. "I hate Sombra so much... he killed my beloved dog, Wiggles."
“He also tried to take over the Crystal Empire,” Shining reminded him. “He tried to kill a lot of ponies, he stabbed my horn with black crystals…”
“And killed… my… dog.”
Chrysalis leaned towards Celestia and whispered, “When are we going to tell him that King Sombra WAS Wiggles?”
“We do that and he might want to try and adopt our enemy,” Celestia hissed before turning back to the group. “The fact that Sombra is behind this is not good news.”
“When is anything with Sombra good news?” Cadence asked. When the others stared at her she quickly added, “Uh… sex joke, sex joke… I’ve got nothing. That’s how evil Sombra is! He makes me act all serious!”
Applejack raised her hand. “Uh, no offense ta the dimension hoppers but… what is a Sombra?”
“I think they mean Samba,” Rarity said. “A very lovely dance though I don’t see how it could kill a dog.”
“Maybe two people stepped on Tydal’s dog while doing the samba!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Pinkie!” Fluttershy exclaimed in horror, dashing over to Tydal who had fat tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “That’s his dog you’re talking about!”
“Wiggles!” Tydal cried out in angst, falling to his knees and screaming at the heavens.
“Oh… it’s just so sad!” Rarity whimpered before she too fell to her knees. “Wiggles!”
“Tydal…” Celestia said, facepalming (and finding that MUCH easier on the forehead than facehooving).
“How can you be so heartless?” Fluttershy asked the rest of the Squad.
Shining blinked. “Us? What about Applejack?”
“Applejack cries on the inside!” Pinkie sobbed, forgetting she was the one that had caused all this.
“She better start crying on the outside too!” Tydal growled through his tears. “CRY ON THE OUTSIDE DAMN IT!”
“Sombra… besides being a dog killer,” Shining ground out once everyone settled down and Fluttershy had gotten Tydal back in his chair, “was, in our world, a dictator and a monster. A unicorn with an unusual amount of magic, he tried to enslave the Crystal Empire and then Equestria.”
“It is more complex than that,” Celestia said with a sigh. “Sombra became a master of dark magic… especially of traps and mind magic. He used it to ensnare his victims and twist their thoughts and souls until they were bound tightly too him. Worse, he would use his skills to break a pony until they just surrendered to him.”
“He also had a lush full mane that flowed over his neck and shoulders,” Luna said. When the others stared at her she shrugged. “What? He did. Just because he was evil doesn’t mean I can’t admire his mane.” She tapped her chin. “I wonder what shampoo he used.”
“What do we know about the doggie-killer in this universe?” Tydal growled even as Fluttershy rubbed his back.
It was Discord who spoke. “The man is a fool, in my opinion. All grim and power hungry. Sits in a tower and sends off lakeys. When I did the whole evil conqueror thing I did it with style.” He jerked his thumb at Sunset. “And at least she got original… even if her idea involved teenagers.”
“Could we not bring up my evil plan of defeating the sun goddess with teenagers?” Sunset whined. “It’s not like it was even my first one! That was Plan D. My original plan involved turning NFL players into demons but that just didn’t work out. Unions… ugh.”
“Still, my point remains. What has happened to villainy? Luna wanted to bring eternal night, I wanted chaos, and Sunset an army. Now we face a male model with a love of architecture? What next, sirens that want love?”
“I hope not,” Tydal huffed. “The damn Dazzlings were such annoyances back in my day. Plus their singing sucked. Give me a good rock ballad any day! I’m glad I tricked Starswirl into kicking them into another dimension. I wonder where they ended up…” Tydal tapped his chin. “Meh I’m sure it’s not important.”
“What do we know about this Mr. Sombra and why he is working with Doubt?” Luna asked.
Sunset took over. “I looked into some interviews he’s done. Mr. Sombra has been gobbling up real estate all over the country and building his office buildings and hotels. They all have a unique crystalline structure, which he says better amplifies the ‘energy’ around us.” She paused, lips pursed. “He also really loves stairs.”
“He does?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yeah… seems he refuses to put a single elevator in any of his buildings. According to an interview he did…”
~One Month Earlier…~
“Mr. Sombra… why don’t you buildings have elevators? Why only stairs?”
Sombra leaned back in his chair and grinned at the reporter. “Because stairs represent the struggles we go through in our lives. When one takes a step on a step they are climbing higher and higher or trying to prevent themselves from tumbling to the dark depths below. For me stairs represent everything I’ve gone through in my master plan to take control of this world through dark means! Every step is a reminder that I am but one more step away of achieving my dream and taking my revenge on all those that scorned me and refused to see my genius! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
~MC~MC~MC~MC!~
“’Bwa ha ha ha ha’,” Sunset read. “Ha. Then he said, ‘Okay, so when do we start the interview? What do you mean we started? You never told me! No, stop wirting what I’m saying! Oh shit, oh shit! I’m serious! Stop it! If you won’t I’ll make you write stupid stuff! I eat poop! I eat poop! There, I made you write that. What do you mean you’ll quote me as saying that! No, I don’t eat poop! Stop it! Shit!’.”
"That is a really informative article!" Pinkie exclaimed.
“I can’t believe we almost lost to him,” Shining complained.
Celestia frowned. "I think we should consider sending someone out to investigate Mr. Sombra and determine just what his desires are-“
“I think his desires involve eating poop,” Rainbow said with a snicker.
“- when it comes to this school. I do not like the idea that the being in our world who coveted power so much he imprisoned his subjects in a stasis field for a 1000 years while he gathered his strength is out there in this world eyeing up this school... the one place so far in this world we know has magic."
"Tydal and I could go," Luna said. "Both of us could easily get through their lines."
"I don't like it," Shining said. "You aren't immortal here and we don't exactly have weapons other than some sports equipment."
Cadence grinned. "Goongala!"
"We can help with that!" The group turned to see Sweetie Belle emerge from behind her hiding spot, Scootaloo and Applebloom groaning in protest.
"What do ya'll think yar doin'?" Applejack asked in annoyance. "I thought we told ya to stay out!" "We didn't hear much!" Applebloom protested.
"Squirt?" Rainbow asked.
Scootaloo grimaced. "Well, we certainly didn't hear you talking about other realities and how Principal Celestia and her friends are all really from that world and immortal gods!"
Discord quirked an eyebrow. "If I had my magic I could make so many jokes right now."
"Sweetie Belle, darling, I don't want you and your little friends considering for even a second about sneaking out of this school. It is bad enough you are part of the siege!"
"I didn't mean that!" Sweetie said simply. Rarity stared at her and Sweetie shuffled a bit. “Well, I thought about it but… I meant that we have someone that can help with weapons!" She hurried over to another bookshelf and reached behind it, yanking out a brown-skinned and brown-haired young man with a propeller beanie on his head. "Button Mash makes all sorts of cool gadgets!"
Sunset sighed. "Girls, I know Button might be able to make so interesting toys but-" Button held up his arm and a foot long blade extended from his shirt sleeve. "-holy googamooga!"
"Whoa!" Rainbow shouted, a grin suddenly forming on her face. "Is that a hidden blade?"
Button nodded. "I made it based on the ones used in Assassin's Creed. This one isn't sharp but I'm sure you guys could make it work. I also have some other ideas and why are you walking towards me Dean Tydal?"
The gray skinned college dean stopped before Button, kneeling down so he was eye-to-eye with the boy. "Mr. Mash... at this moment you are the most important person in this room to me. I want what you have. You are going to give it to me and when you do I will give unto you all that I have."
"Uh, I need an adult," Button whimpered.
"I am an adult," Tydal whispered.
"That an overplayed joke!" Discord called out.
"You're an overplayed joke," Maud Pie said as she passed by the library door.
Luna glanced at Faith, who had remained silent during much of the conversation. "Come on," she said, nudging him with her elbow. Faith blinked but followed her out of the library and towards her office. "What aren't you telling us?"
"What do you mean?" Faith asked as Luna shut her office door.
"You haven't freaked out in the slightest about the fact there is magic or that I'm from another world."
"Well, I did pay attention to the tales of Sunset Shimmer becoming a demon..."
Luna shook her head. "No, there is more to it than that. You know something... something about magic and what Sombra and Doubt are up to and you aren't telling me." She raised an eyebrow as she locked eyes with him. "You aren't just trying to save this school for the students and teachers... you know what is going on with magic here, don't you?"
Faith ran his fingers through his hair. "Luna... I swear I am on your side. And if I could tell you I would-"
"The famous phrase of liars," Luna grumbled.
"Luna I literally mean I can't!" When she just sniffed Faith grit his teeth. "Luna, this school-" he continued to talk... except no sound came out.
"What the?" Luna stared at him; she knew an act and she knew a spell and it was clear that something magical was preventing Faith from speaking.
The silver man lowered his head. "I have been bound not to reveal the truth. If I could I would... but the requirements that would allow me to do so would change this world completely and utterly. I can't do that... not unless it was a last resort. I'm sorry."
"I'm... sorry too," Luna stated softly. "I had no right to press you on this... and I'm sorry I called you a liar."
"It's alright," Faith said. He shifted back and forth before whispering. "I haven't felt like this since Doubt... back during the good times."
"I've never felt this way," Luna murmured, her eyes half-lidded. "It almost makes me want..."
Once, in every fic There comes a song like this It starts off soft and low And ends up with a kiss Oh where is the song that goes like this? Where is it? Where? Where?
Luna (holding her hands against her chest like a fairy tale princess)
A sentimental song that casts a magic spell But you can't really hear it Oh author, what the hell? Oh this is the song that goes like this
Faith (with a grin)
Yes it is
Luna (trying to be bolder)
Yes it is
Faith (Even more bolder)
Yes it is!
Luna (almost screaming it)
YES IT IS!
Faith (Grasps Luna and begins to dance with her)
It only gets worse Into the second verse But for you its just bad poetry!
Luna (Puts her face close to Faith's)
I'll sing it in your face While we both embrace!
Faith and Luna (Holding each other like star crossed lovers)
How long... could this...song be?
Faith
The next line is to me Writings gotten lazier I see
Luna (nodding)
Brevity's the key Song's dragging on to me
Faith and Luna
For this is our song That goes like this!
Faith
I'M FEELING VERY PROUD!
Luna
Caplocks means you're far too loud
Faith
That's the way that this song goes
Luna
I still have these stupid toes
Faith and Luna
Singing our song that goes like this!
Luna (Letting out a sigh, clearly tired)
I can't believe there's more
Faith (shoulders slumped)
It's far too long that's sure
Luna (annoyed and staring at the fourth wall)
We're padding our stupid word count Lengthen the chapter by an amount!
Faith and Luna
Singing our song that is too long
Faith (realizing the song is still going)
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!
Luna
We'll be singing this till dawn!
Faith
You'll wish that you weren't born!
Luna
Let's stop this damn refrain
Faith and Luna (moving in for a kiss)
Before we go insane! The chapter always ends... like... this!
“SHHHH!!!”
Faith and Luna grimaced, realizing that their singing had led them into the teacher’s lounge. “Sorry Ms. Harshwhinny.”
The librarian glared at them. “Foolish people singing while I’m trying to read the paper.”
Equestria Boys 2-The Wrath of the Search for the Voyage to the Final Undiscovered Darkness
"Men... the day is finally here! For far too long we have allowed ourselves to be pushed around, to be cast off and treated as little more 2nd class citizens! The ponies of Equestria have treated us with utter distain and I for one am sick of it! Aren't you all sick of it too?"
"YES!" came the call.
"Aren't you tired of being ignored?"
"YES!" the army shouted.
"The pony race has slaughtered our kind without provocation or reason. They see us not as fellow citizens! They do not respect our desires and our dreams and our very right to live and I say NO MORE!" The commander moved among his troops. "Now, while it may be true that our ways may cause them harm… do we still not deserve to live?” He let out a sigh. “I'm not going to lie to you... not all of us will survive the upcoming battle. Friends.. family... will die in the name of our cause. We will honor their deaths and see them for what they are: the rallying cry upon which our cause shall be driven! But, should there be any of you that wish to back out now, do so with my blessing. And I say this to the rest, let none of you say an ill word towards those that choose not to fight. You will not think less of them or look upon them with scorn. I wish only for those who believe in the cause and are ready to die for it to stand with me when the chaos begins. If you have not the stomach or will, please say so now and know your honor will not be stained."
Not a single soldier moved.
"Ah, that warms my heart. Even you, Jimmy... even you stay!" He moved to Jimmy and patted him on the back. "Despite missing a leg and an eye and perhaps being so addled in the brain you can't tell if you are going to march into war or stand in line for ice cream... even you stayed."
"Uduh," Jimmy groaned, drool dribbling to the ground.
"You make me proud to be your commander! Now then... we charge! Let the first to fall to us be the Apple Family of Sweet Apple Acres!" the soldiers roared and raced forward, their commander leading the strike. "Charge, my soldiers! Charge towards their gleaming, sizzling light... head straight towards its enticing warmth that-BZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Granny Smith looked up from her knitting. "Would ya look at that, Big Mac? That dang bug zapper Princess Twilight gave us sure does fry them mosquitoes up real good!"
"For freedom!" a mosquito soldier shouted before he too was zapped.
"Boy hoody, listen to them fry!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 36: Equestria Boys 2-The Wrath of the Search for the Voyage to the Final Undiscovered Darkness
"Dun dun da da dun dun da da dununu! Dununu! Dunun!"
"What are you doing?" Tydal asked as he and Luna snuck through the lobby of the darkly lit Sombra Development Corps. Both were in long black coats with hoods pulled over their faces, their footfalls quieted by the boots Rarity had quickly whipped up for them. In fact both their outfits, from their dress shirts to dark slacks to their long coats, had been made by Rarity. The fashionista had whipped them up, instantly inspired by the idea of them sneaking out of the besieged school. She called them her greatest works and wondered briefly if she might have a future in designing fashionable garments for spies, assassins, and soldiers of fortune. Sunset had pointed out that such people rarely told people 'who they were wearing' and Rarity had decided to drop the idea. “Are you… humming your own theme song?”
“Why not? Theme songs always play when Jolly Bonds, griffin spy, goes on a secret mission.”
“Sometimes I am concerned about your inability to tell fantasy from reality.” Tydal’s argument might have had more weight if he weren’t currently using the gauntlet Button Mash had made him to rappel up an empty elevator shaft. “We are supposed to be stealthy.”
“It’s not like they can hear me,” Luna said.
“I can hear you.”
“You don’t count.”
“Yes I do!”
Luna shook her head. “No, you don’t!”
“I think he does,” a guard that was stationed in the hallway they were sneaking through said.
“You stay out of this,” Luna said, stabbing him with a sleeping dart. “You don’t count. Now then, what are we looking for again?”
“Information on the doggy-killer,” Tydal growled, the mere thought of what King Sombra had done to his precious puppy (who happened to look just like Sombra and act like Sombra and WAS Sombra) making his blood boil. “We know he isn’t interesting in the school because it is in a good neighborhood and near a good school district… mostly because he is destroying said school district. I’d like to know what he is plotting so I have time to come up with a game plan.”
“But you’ve never lost a battle before,” Luna pointed out. “You just do your little ‘bullet-time’ thing and you’ll win! I mean, you do it all the time!”
“I never lost because I was a war god,” Tydal pointed out. “When I took the title from Fuzzy I got all the benefits… like the fact that it is VERY hard to beat me on the battlefield. You had to be sneaky like Discord to take me out.” He sighed, looking at his reflecting in the polished door face that led to Sombra’s office. “But I’m not the god of war here. I’m mortal, with no magic… so if I want to battle I need to do it the old-fashion way.”
Luna nodded. “So what are we looking for?”
Tydal bent down and began to work on the picking the lock. “Something that would tell us what Sombra is planning. Notes, research, letters-“
“I know what he’s planning,” the sleepy guard said.
“Shh, big kids are talking,” Luna said, moving to inject him again.
Tydal grabbed her arm. “Wait, I want to hear this.” He looked over at the guard. “What do you know?”
“Sombra keeps ranting and raving about magic. YAWN! Excuse me. Anyway, Sombra has it in his head that he is going to be the next Dark Wizard or some nonsense like that and that school is the key. He has this- YAWN!- necklace he says is the sister to something called the Amulet of the Alicorns and it going on and on about how it is slowly feeding him magical power… I’ve seen him ‘lift’ books up and fire off bolts of energy but I know it is just a parlor trick.” The guard shook his head. “I swear, him and that goth girl Doubt are fools. You know they even brought in a bunch of hooligans to attack the school tonight?”
“WHAT?!?!” Luna shouted.
Tydal patted the guard on the cheek. “Thanks, you’ve been a big help. Now kindly go back to sleep.”
“Okey dokey.” And with that the guard passed out.
“That’s a good lad. Always nice when mooks are forthcoming. Now, he said something about hooligans, right?”
~MC~MC~MC~
“What do you see?” Shining asked. The Squad (save the two currently hurrying back to the school) were on the roof, watching the newest development in their siege. It had been rather slow goings until Doctor Whooves and Derpy (who hadn’t been part of the siege but suddenly shown up with their daughter… who was only a few years younger than them thanks to timey-wimey things) had sounded the alarm that the besiegers were active. At first the Squad and Sunset and her friends had thought that Tydal and Luna had been captured but it quickly became clear that wasn’t the case.
Discord had taken control of the telescope… and was wearing a pirate hat and a stuffed parrot Pinkie had found him in the drama club’s storage closet. If he couldn’t use his magic to warp about and summon things out of thin air he could, at the very least, do costume changes. Chrysalis and Cadence had joined him, the former due to her own struggles with lacking her shapeshifting powers, the later because she liked playing dress-up.
“Ar, I spot some soccer hooligans off the starboard bow!” Discord declared.
“Soccer hooligans?” Celestia asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Discord pulled the telescope away from his eye and gave Celestia a withering glare. “Well, I suppose you could call it football or hoofball but honestly that’s just acting like a snooty pants from Prance.”
“I think it is the hooligan part that has her worried,” Shining said.
Chrysalis scoffed. “Always so scared, lover boy-“
“Please don’t call me that.”
“-hooligans are nothing to worry about. They mostly get a bad rap but they are nothing to worry about. Who are these ones… Equestrians? Beavarian ? Neighpon? Pranch?”
“Oh hey, is that Gilda?” Rainbow suddenly called out, waving to the mob of hooligans mulling about by the barricade. “Hey Gilda!”
“I thought the Griffish were all gay and wimpy,” Cadence said.
“That’s the elite! The hooligans though… oh by the hive, the hooligans!” Chrysalis began to shake Cadence violently. “It’s a bug hunt, girl, a bug hunt! Game over, girl, game over!”
“It be worst than that, matey,” Discord said, adjusting the telescope a bit. “We’ve got new arrivals. Doubt is here… hmmmm.” Discord glanced at Celestia. “Remind me again… your ‘King Sombra’… long flowing black hair? Dark skin? Green eyes? Looks like he enjoys eating small babies?”
“He’s here,” Celestia said.
“Yes, but the good news is he isn’t actually eating a baby. I don’t understand why some evil overlords enjoy doing that… babies taste horrible!” He heard Fluttershy gasp and Discord quickly added, “So I’ve been told! Jeez!”
“By who?!?” Rarity complained, nose scrunching up in disgust.
“Focus people!” Sunset shouted. She smacked her left hand into her right. “Evil businessman who might also be an evil mage warlock whatever.”
“Oooh! Like Lord Voldemort?” Pinkie exclaimed. She bounced over to the very edge of the roof and pointed a piece of wood at Sombra. “Expelliarmus!”
Celestia turned to Faith, whose gaze was focused on the statue in front of the school. “Luna told me you know something about this… that you have an idea what Sombra and Doubt’s endgame is.” She held up her hand. “And I get that you can’t speak of it. I get it. Something won’t let you. But is there anything you can tell us… anything at all?”
Faith refused to look away from the statue. “If Sombra gets past the barricade it could mean the end of this world.”
“Well that’s not flippin’ ominous at all!” Applejack complained.
“Would you prefer something just terrifying?” Rainbow asked, nodding down towards the barricade. “Because the Gilda and her crew are attacking our defenses.”
“Everyone, get back into the school!” Shining shouted, the teachers and students that had been manning the barricade leaping down and hurrying inside. “Get the doors barred!”
“Not going to be enough,” Faith murmured.
“If you are just going to be gloomy you could at least do something to help!” Chrysalis complained.
Faith shot her a dark look and the visitors from Equestria gasped as they saw his eyes flash with magic. “If I do this world will be changed forever.” He shut his eyes and shuddered. “Only when I have no choice will I act.”
“That might be comin’ pretty quick,” Applejack said as Sombra and Doubt marched forward, the barricade being torn apart thanks to the sledgehammers and crowbars of the hooligans. “Lordy, what I wouldn’t give for one of them wacky hijinxs that always seem to plop down in our laps to appear.”
…
“I don’t think anything is coming,” Fluttershy said meekly.
Discord looked at the sky. “Father, now would be a good time to write us out of this mess!”
~Meanwhile, with the author…~
“The Dark Side… the Jedi… they’re real.”
“EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” defender2222 squealed as he watched the Force Awakens trailer.
~MC~MC~MC~
“Here they come!” Shining shouted as two hooligans managed to break a hole through the barricade large enough for the thugs to get through. Several of them swarmed into the inner courtyard, happily taking their weapons and blunt instruments to the front of the school while Doubt and Sombra happily strolled towards the courtyard
"That is going to be hard to explain to the insurance company," Celestia muttered.
“I can feel it,” Sombra whispered almost reverently, running his hand along the statue. “Magic.”
“I told you… I told you!” Doubt said gleefully. “The Elementals tried to hide all of it but I knew that here was a fissure waiting to be opened!” She looked up and locked eyes with Faith. “You and your siblings… you refused to share this power! You held onto it like greedy misers! And worst of all you lied to me… refused to reveal what you really were! Well… now you can burn with the rest.” She leaned against Sombra and whispered. “Do it… break it open.”
“Gladly,” Sombra said, motioning for two of the goons to take their sledgehammers to the statue.
And that was when Tydal struck.
Like a fallen angel he landed on top of the two, Button Mash’s hidden blades sinking into their backs as he slammed them into the ground. Tydal looked up, pulling his weapons free as he stood tall. “Luna, get to the roof, now.”
“I’m not leaving you,” Luna shouted, suddenly appearing from the shadows.
“I can't fight if I know you are in danger! Discord, Shining, get her a rope and get her up there NOW!” Tydal rolled his shoulders as six more goons approached him. “I’ll deal with the eurotrash.” Luna swallowed but nodded, hurrying to the front of the school, Shining and Discord quickly lowering a rope they’d stashed for just such an emergency down to her. Tydal, meanwhile, flashed a dark smile before rushing his opponents, his blades gleaming in the moonlight as he lashed out. Hot blood sprayed and the screams of the injured filled the air as he attacked.
“Come on… come on please,” Faith whispered.
“Do it for me, Tydal,” Sunset whispered as she watched one of the few people in the world that truly loved her battle the goons. "End this now."
Tydal ducked a ill-timed swing before lashing out, cutting into his foe’s Achilles’ tendon and sending them to the ground. “You think you are violence given flesh? Please.” He lashed out with his right leg, snapping another attacker’s ankle. “I am violence. I was born of it… molded by it. It is to me what blood is to-GUUUUH!!!!”
Tydal looked down, wet gurgles coming from his throat as he stared at the foot-long piece of glass that was embedded in his stomach.
“I really hate monologuing,” Doubt said.
“DADDY!” Luna screamed, letting go of the rope only for Shining and Discord to pull her onto the roof, kicking and screaming. “NO! NO! LET ME GO! DADDY!”
Tydal stumbled slightly, staring in horror as the gothic woman grinned, her shattered-glass wings flexing as she finished ‘ponying up’. His gaze slid to Sombra, the dark figure grinning as he dropped the sledgehammer he’d picked up, a 2 foot long crack now in the stone edifice of the statue. Raw magic leaked out of it and Sombra gobbled it up like a starving man, the red horn necklace he wore flashing before it flew up and embedded itself in his forehead. His eyes flashed as dark magic began to leak from them, the horn growing longer as he too ponied up.
Tydal blinked. “You… look like Wiggles… that means…" He stared up at Sombra. "You skinned my dog and made him into a suit you son of bitch!”
Doubt glanced at Sombra in confusion. “Any idea what he’s talking about?”
“Not a clue,” Sombra said before raising his hand and firing a bolt of dark magic at the barricade, damaging part of it. He frowned, flexing his fingers. “Haven’t quite gotten enough yet… still, I suppose this will do until I can begin hunting down the rest of the sources of magic in this world.”
Cadence trembled as she watched Tydal fall to one knee, bloody bubbles forming on his lips. “He… he’s going to get back up, right? He’s gone through worse...”
“He had his magic then,” Discord said, his own jovial nature pushed aside at the sight of his baby brother bleeding out before him. He growled, his hands clenching together. “If I had my power I’d break them here and now!”
“But you don’t!” Doubt said with glee as Sombra continued to siphon magic from the statue, his goons lining up in hopes of getting a taste for themselves. “Too bad for you there isn’t another source.”
“Daddy!” Luna sobbed, Celestia falling to her knees beside her sister and hugging her tight, frightened her sister would throw herself off the roof in a mad attempt to save him.
“I read up on you,” Sombra said. “The great Tydal… master fighter… cunning mind. Though I think you aren’t the Tydal from this world, are you? Where you’re from you are a war god, correct?” Sombra tapped his ear. “Wired my building… always helps to be prepared. Something you should of done. Though I am finding you quite a pathetic war god… I mean, what soldier would follow you?”
Faith stepped forward.
“I would,” Faith said sternly. “Brothers… sisters… forgive me.” He thrust out his hand and those on the roof gasped as he too ponied up, mirror wings emerging from his shoulder blades and a ghostly horn appearing on his head. “I, Faith Elemental,” he called out, the air crackling as glowing rune circles appeared before him, “as one of the children of the Tree of Harmony… hereby make the final decree!” He clenched his fist around the closest rune circle, the mystical construct buckling. “I shatter the Sealing Circles placed upon this world… and on this day… this hour… I free ALL MAGIC!”
And with that, the restraints that had been placed on magic in the human world… were torn away.
There was no boom. No electrical charge. No signal anything had happened. Sombra tasted the air and found it the same and Doubt looked about, rather unimpressed to find that there wasn’t a new surge of magical energy for them to tap into.
And Tydal still bled.
Sombra chuckled as he strolled forward, dark magic oozing from his green eyes as his hand thrust out, his mystical grasp taking hold of Tydal’s throat and shoving him back against the front of the school. Doubt, for her part, was a step behind him, her broken-mirror wings gleaming as she flexed them, ready to rip the fallen man to shreds. “Faith, Faith, Faith, it seems the ‘guardians of magic’ aren’t that impressive at all. I was hoping at the very least your little act would unlock more magic for me but it was a dud.” The dark mage cocked his head, turning his attention to his bleeding prisoner. “Oh Tydal… I don’t know why you thought you could stand up to me but now you’ll be but the first to fall, the starting gun that signals the beginning of my reign.” He licked his lips, teeth gleaming like those of a wolf as he tightened his grip, Tydal’s body jerking slightly. “Or… perhaps not. What do you think, Doubt? Should we let him live long enough to witness us murdering his friends and family?”
“Oh, that would be fun,” Doubt cooed.
Faith stared down at the scene in horror, eyes wide with shock. “Why isn’t it working? Why isn’t it work?” He looked up at the shattered remains of the Seal, as if he expected it to have answers. “It’s been broken… why isn’t he tapping into his magic?”
“Who says I didn’t?”
Everyone on the roof froze. On the ground Doubt took a skidder-step. And Sombra paused, looking at Tydal and then down at his own hand.
“There’s nothing wrong with your magic, Sombra,” Tydal whispered, his voice low and smooth. Much too calm for one that had been dying only moments ago. “It is quite strong. Another few seconds and you would have had me. A proud moment, I’m sure. But like all would-be conquerors you made the same mistake.” Tydal’s body jerked again and Sombra realized it wasn’t the twitching of a man in his death throws. No. No, it was something else. A change. A transformation. A metamorphosis.
Ever so slowly Tydal reached down and pulled the glass from his belly.
“And what mistake was that?” Sombra called out, hoping to stall for time even as he forced more of his dark magic down from his crimson horn and into his hand, directing it at Tydal’s body.
“The most foolish of mistakes. You didn’t know when to talk and when to shut up.” Tydal’s chin remained pressed against his chest, his face hidden as he spoke. Somehow that made things worse.
“What… what’s going on?” Celestia whispered as she stood up. Luna crawled forward, daring not to hope that her father might be alright… and fearing that the worst was yet to come.
“I don’t know,” Sunset said, reaching out and taking her hand.
“I’ve fought many in my long life,” Tydal said. “Did you know that how you fight and how you make love are quite similar? Cadence, did you know that?” When the pink woman didn’t speak up Tydal twitched. “I know you can hear me… you can all hear me. Did you know that, goddess of love?”
“N-no,” Cadence stammered, Shining hugging her tight.
“Hmmm. Well, allow me to explain. Some warriors are like young men discovering their lust for the first time. They care only for the main event, skipping foreplay and rushing in only to find battle to be… quite short and most unsatisfying.” Tydal’s form jerked violently before he continued, his tone remaining ever calm. “But you aren’t like that, Sombra. You are on the other end of the spectrum. You are the old man, pulling out every trick hoping to impress the young nubile plaything he has found. Oh, you try and play it off as having knowledge and wanting to demonstrate your skill but we both know the truth: you’ve become withered and know that when the time comes for the deed to be done you will fail to… rise to the occasion.”
“Enough of your talk, Tydal!” Doubt roared, taking a step forward and flexing her metal wings.
“Tydal?” the gray-skinned man asked. “Oh, my dear Doubt… now I understand. You are laboring under a false preconception. My foolish girl… you wish Tydal were still here.”
“Oh no,” Luna whispered, tears gathering in her eyes. “Please no…”
Discord swallowed nervously, moving to place himself between the battlefield and Fluttershy. “Brother… don’t.”
“If it were Tydal in control at the moment you might have had a chance. But I am Tydal distilled, all the impurities drained away leaving only…” he trailed off, reaching towards the wound in his stomach. He touched the blood, feeling it coat the grooves in his fingertips, his head still looking down, eyes hidden to all. “Tydal wouldn’t have taken advantage of this boon.” His bloody fingers ran along his forehead, tracing twin circles of crimson. The bloody patches bulged and his horns slowly appeared, easing out of his forehead. His ears twitched as they transformed into their goat-form. “You hoped to find a way to tap into the magic trapped in this school, to use it to make yourself or perhaps Doubt strong enough to break the Seal and return magic to this world. You never dreamed Faith would do it for you. Still… I find myself disappointed.” He rolled his shoulders as his shark fin burst from his back, following quickly by his fan tail. “I was wrong… you aren’t an old man. You are a virginal boy hoping to pass himself off as an expert with a bit of knowledge he found in the back of one of his father’s magazines. Raw magic, begging to be drawn in, begging to be taken, with no other bearers and you didn’t even bother to consider the possibilities? Pathetic.” He thrust his arms out. “Let me show you how a Casanova does it. Sea.”
Sombra, Doubt, and their goons turned, watching as water mains burst and water rushed into the streets, heeding the call.
“Storm.”
Lightning cracked overhead and clouds gathered above them.
“War.”
The ground cracked open and Sombra’s goons cried out as ghostly forms emerged. They were dressed in all manner of armor, from ancient knights to modern soldiers who’d fallen far from home. They raised swords and guns and clubs and shields, their faces hard as they braced themselves, ready for the command. The formed ranks around Tydal, each ready to enter the fray if given the command.
“You wondered what soldier would follow me into battle?” he asked. “All of them.”
“What… what the hell are you?” Sombra whispered.
“Tell them,” he said, his voice as soft as thunder. When no one spoke he whipped back towards the school, at long last raising his head and facing his family. “Say my name… say it.”
Sunset gasped, staring into the black eyes that held them. Luna let out a sob , clinging to Faith’s arm, and Chrysalis fell to her knees while Shining pressing Cadence against him, trying to shield her from the sight. Celestia trembled, her breath coming out in raggedy gulps.
“Heeheeheehahahahahaha.” Darkwater began to chuckle as he turned back to Sombra, his black eyes, like a shark’s eyes… a doll’s eyes… flash as he grinned, his teeth like daggers as his magic whirled about him. His family stared on in horror as they felt the raw magic twist and crackle in the air, thrashing about like a wounded beast. “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.” He trembled, staring at his blood-stained hands for a moment before he threw back his head. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Water swirled around him, the clouds bursting even as the ground cracked under him and issued forth hellfire. His legs twisted, transforming into living water that slammed into the earth, merging with the rising tide that had begun to cover the blacktop; as it hit the hellfire great plumes of steam shot up, covering the parking lot. The goons stepped back as Darkwater's ghostly army took up position behind him, weapons at the ready as their lord and master rose in the air, his tail thrashing even as the lightning struck down from the heavens, his shoulders flexing as the bolts formed into a pair of electric wings. It was clear to all of them what they had done: they’d unleashed the dark side of the God of War.
And then his head snapped back down and he locked eyes with Sombra.
*Meanwhile, a few miles south of Canterlot High...*
"Arr, there it be, ladeys! A whole town to plunder! Riches and treasures await us here, in this here city known as... er..." Captain Mood Whiplash scratched at his beard, his brow furrowed in confusion. "What be that town named?"
"Humanville?" one of his crewmembers guessed.
"Nah, can't be that," Whiplash said. "I know it has a name." The captain of the Tropespouter marched up and down the deck of his beloved ship, his motley crew (who, strangely enough, did not enjoy the music of Motley Crue; they preferred the band Toto, mostly. But not the bands Kansas or DOROTHY either. They were an odd bunch.) watching as he paced back and forth. "Cartographer the Anal, what does thee map say the name of this landlubber town be called?"
"I don't know, captain!" Cartographer complained, holding up said map. "Someone spilled jelly over it and it got all smeary and I can't make out the words!"
"Who was eatin' jelly around me maps?!?" Mood Whiplash roared.
"Not me," Jelly Human said, a bit of grape jelly dripping from his hair.
Whiplash glared at the sailor, marching over to him and pulling out his cutlass. "Do ye know why I hate liars?" He stabbed the sword into the hardwood and pulled off his hat, holding it to his breast as he stared skyward. "Oh, it is a tragic tale, lad, it is a tragic tale. But not tragically beautiful despite what them there bakers once said." One of the pirates, who was in the crows nest, aimed the spotlight down on the captain while several others began to play their violins, producing a sad and melancholy background arrangement. "Aye, a tragic tale that began in me boyhood. I was a wee lad, barely 6 years old, when the famine hit. Oh, thank ye lucky stars ya didn't live to see it, lad, for it would have broken ye heart. Mothers couldn't feed their young ones on account of a simple loaf of bread costin' more that the complete Jurassic Park Blu Ray set with all four films included includin' the new one with that dreamy Chris Pratt in it; that man is a treasure. Me own blessed mum knew she had to do something, lest I starve. So she wrapped me in a blanket until I could hardly move and used me as a weapon so she could rob a bank. Oh, the way she swung me-"
The Tropespouter shifted suddenly and the pirates cried out as the sea suddenly rose up... and took the form of a certain sea god.
"I'm taking this water," Darkwater Abyss said dryly, emptying the bay and leaving the ship stranded on the seafloor. "If you don't like it piss off."
"Ar, ya didn't just steal me water... ye stole me cold open too!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanter Episode 37: Equestria Boys 2- Endings
"Oh god, no!"
"Run! Run!"
"I just wanted to do a little raping and murder-AARRRRGGGG!"
The Squad, Sunset, and the five members of the Elements of Harmony, along with Faith, watched as Darkwater and his ghostly minions ravaged Sombra and his forces. The dark mage and Doubt were able to hold off most of the attackers but many of the hooligans were simply outclassed and fell to the spectral weapons of the war god's ghost army. The skies cracked with lightning and swirled with the might of a hurricane as Darkwater brutally rushed through the football hooligans, his clawed hands slicing through them like a knife through hot bread... except the bread was people and the knife was godly fingers. The hot part still applied though.
"Up ya go!" Rainbow said, helping Gilda onto the roof. The snarky and gruff hooligan stared down at the carnage with wide eyes. "Hey, sorry the dean of Maretine U went nuts and began killing your friends."
Gilda glanced over at Dash and scoffed. "Meh, we were going to split what Sombra was paying us anyway, so the more of them that die means a bigger share for me."
"Is that my torso? It is, my precious torso!"
"That said... thanks for helping me up, Dash," Gilda said, cringing as Darkwater fell onto another goon. "I knew I should have listened to Aunt Gertrude and not gotten involved with this."
"You know, it's odd," Rarity said, tilting her head to the side. "At first I was horrified but after the first 10 minutes it all begins to lose it's impact. I dare say I'm getting desensitized-"
CRACK! SHCUUUUURIPPP!!!!!
The fashionista's eyes went wide and she quickly turned away from the bloodshed. "Nevermind! That just resensitized me!"
"Lordy, I've seen chickens get treated better," Applejack complained.
Discord had turned Fluttershy around, forcing her to stare at him. "Don't focus on it... if you don't look it is fine."
"Help me, he's going to shove my ribs up my-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Pretend you are in a calm stream!" Discord said as Fluttershy stood there, half catatonic.
"They are in a calm stream too," Pinkie said. "A stream of blood and organs and I think a few pooped themselves so I am sure there is fecal matter-"
"Not helping!" Sunset shouted as Fluttershy let out a whimper.
Faith looked at the destruction, his face pale and drawn at the sight of the destruction. "What... what happened to him? I thought he'd just access his magic... I never thought he'd do this."
Luna licked her lips. "We... we are not as we appear to be. In our world our powers are so great we are forced to hide all but a trickle of them. When we tap into our sealed power there is a risk, if we aren't prepared, of allowing the energy to overwhelm us. it amplifies everything within us... and if you aren't careful it can bring out your darkest emotions and desires. My f-father," Luna stuttered as Darkwater let out a chilling laugh before turning towards Doubt, who was trying to cut down the army with her metal wings, "my father was injured when you broke the seal."
"It's not that," Shining said firmly, the immortals turning towards him. "Listen, I haven't been a god for long... all i can make is a nice breakfast. But I do understand a bit of what happens to you... and I know what happened there. If Sombra had just taunted Tydal this wouldn't have happened. He made the cardinal mistake."
"And that is?" Celestia asked.
"He threatened me. He threaten Cadence and Discord and Chrysalis. He threatened Sunset. He... he threatened you and Luna."
"He's doing this for us?" Sunset asked.
Discord nodded, his hands covering Fluttershy's ears. "As we told you... we gods normally lead hedonistic lives. But while it is rare for us to have children... we treasure them beyond measure. Tydal, despite his gruff manner, has always had the softest heart when it comes to family. That's why so many of the younger gods and goddesses look up to him; he is their protector. The good big brother that settled fights and made sure all were loved. And Sombra just pushed his berserk button."
"In other words?" Cadence asked softly.
"In other words he'll probably destroy this world just to ensure it doesn't harm us," Chrysalis stated.
"No."
The others turned and stared at Sunset.
"No... no, we aren't letting him do this. We aren't letting him go down that dark path." She balled up her fists and shut her eyes, tears gathering behind her closed lids. She remembered what had happened to her, when she had tapped into magic and allowed herself to let go. She wouldn't let her potential grandfather fall the same way she had. "We are the reason he's doing this and we'll be the reason he stops." Her body began to glow. "Princesses... it's time to pony-up."
~MC~MC~MC~
"Oh come now, you can do better than that!" Darkwater taunted, batting away a blast of dark magic Sombra fired at him. "You were talking that good shit just a moment ago but now I see you're like all smooth talkers: all words and a tiny prick!"
Doubt let out a savage roar, trying to slice of Darkwater's head in a sneak attack from behind. The god of storms merely shifted slightly, letting her metal wing cut through his sternum... which turned into water the moment she made contact. The goth woman snarled and elbowed him in the face, which did little as he merely snapped his head back into place, no sign of damage, and fired bolts of lightning into her body.
"That is the mistake all of you pathetic little land-walkers make," Darkwater stated with a mad grin. "You feel the solid earth beneath your feet and think it is so strong and so powerful and nothing can beat it. You see the waves and think 'oh, the water is so weak and soft, nothing like the heavy, unrelenting earth'. But rocks crumble, stones shatter, crystals-"
Sombra fired off ten of his dark crystals, the bewitched gems driving into Darkwater's body. They began to ooze pain-inducing magical poisons, causing the warrior's veins to darken and bulge out. But Darkwater didn't even bat an eye; instead he merely grunted and expelled the toxic magic like a geyser issuing forth a mighty blast.
"-crystals crack. The land breaks and is reduced to dust but the sea will always remain. You could light the world on fire and it would turn into a gas and float away until the time is right for its return. You could freeze it and it would remain, unchanging and waiting for the right moment to melt. You can gather it in little cups and separate it all but still it can reform within seconds." He lashed out, striking Sombra in the chest and sending the dark magic tumbling. The black-haired warlock turned into an ebony cloud and began to swirl around his opponent who merely folded his arms over his chest. "Water remains. The sea remains. And more than that the sea is cunning. It is tricky. It sneaks in, getting through the little cracks and crevices, forcing its way through drop by drop until it pulls even the mightiest mountain apart!"
Doubt screamed as streams of water shot out of every orifice, her body twitching as Darkwater ripped the fluid from her. It was only Sombra's well-timed strike that saved her, pulling his foe's attention back to him.
"The sea always wins," Darkwater whispered. "Life came from it and all return to it."
Sombra's cloud turned into a giant fist that slammed into his hated foes face.
Darkwater merely turned, an unnaturally wide grin plastered on his face, showing no signs of being affected. "Now, before I decide just how I snuff out your pathetic little life, I am curious... what made you think for a moment that this was a good idea?" Darkwater began to move around Sombra, cutting through the battlefield like a shark circling his prey. "What tragic event led you to decide to pull on your big girl panties and make a run at being the World Breaker? I'm just oh so curious what drove you to this path. A man doesn't wake up one morning, put on that stupid horn necklace, and decide to attack a school. So what motivated you, Sombra? What made you think this was your only course of action?"
Sombra growled at the sea god, his hands clenched at his sides while dark magic oozed from his eyes. "My genius and skill weren't appreciated."
"That old gem? I was hoping for something a bit more interesting." Darkwater sighed. "So what happened? You were a powerhouse in the business world but never got respect? Your wife cheated on you? Failed to gain political office? Daddy never gave you a hug? Because if it is the last one I can pretend to be your drunk inbred father. Go get me a beer, sport, and we'll see if that keeps me from hitting you-"
"My fanfics were never in the Featured Box!" Sombra roared.
"...what?"
Sombra grit his teeth, body trembling. "I wrote so many My Little Pony Fanfictions but Fimfiction.net never put a single one in their Featured Box."
"...what?"
"It's not like I wanted to be on Equestria Daily!" Sombra complained. "I know it is a pain to get on there and their story moderators are too picky but... but why didn't Fimfiction.net just ONCE put a story I wrote on their main page? I wrote a wide range of genres... comedy, romance, drama, clop; I even did a Fallout: Equestria story!"
"...what?!?"
"Is that your problem?" Wall Breaker said, ambling over. In the human world the odd guard was a police officer... though he twirled a baton and wore an outfit that looked like it belonged on an NYPD irish police officer from the 1920s. "Well, I can tell you why your stories never got featured."
"You see... Fimfiction is a very special place. Filled with very special writers. Writers who can do drama and comedy...often with no spelling errors! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people... who need people. And who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world." He placed his hand on Sombra's shoulder. "I'm sorry... you don't stand a chance."
"But why?" Sombra whined.
"Stop ignoring me!" Darkwater ranted.
"Well... let me put it like this."
Wall Breaker
When writing a great adventure, if you don't want to lose, success depends upon the characters that you choose. So, listen, Sombra darling, closely to this news: Your story won’t be featured, If doesn’t have Scootaloo.
You may describe the finest sets, Focus on the Ponyville pets, You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes. Leads may dance and leads may sing, But I'm sorry, Sombra king, You'll hear no cheers, Just lots and lots of boos.
Darkwater's Soldiers (much to his annoyance)
Boo.
Wall Breaker
You may have butch men by the score Whom the audience adore, You may even have some animals from zoos, Though you've Bloom and Belle instead, You may have a cage made out of bread, But I tell you, you are dead, If you don't have Scootaloo.
They won't care if it's witty, or everything looks pretty, They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse. Nobody will go, sir, If no Scoots then no show, sir, Even CrowMagnon won't be dim enough to choose! Write a fic that make men stare, With lots of girls in underwear, You may even have the finest of reviews.
ShadowLDrago
You're doing great!
Wall Breaker
The audience won't care, sir, As long as you don't dare, sir, To post a fic on this site If you don't have Scootaloo.
You may describe dramatic lighting, Or lots of horrid fighting, You may even have Shining Armor sing the blues! Your colts might be nice boys, But sadly they just annoy, And that poem that you call singing you must lose.
So, despite your pretty lights, and naughty girls in nasty tights, and the most impressive scenery you use... You may have dancing man-a-mano, You may bring on a piano, But they will not give a damn-o If you don't have Scootaloo!
(Wall Breaker begins to play on a piano, Sombra taking notes while Darkwater just stares on, wondering what the hell is happening. Suddenly a bunch of police officers arrive and Wall Breaker joins them, each of them doing the dance from Fiddler on the Roof with a plushie of Scootaloo on their head. The music ratchets up before Wall Breaker begins again)
You may make the Mane 6 gay, feature a ton of hoof play,
Several police officers
You may even have Zecora making stews!
Wall Breaker
You haven't got a clue, If you don't have a Loo All of your thumbs-up you are going to lose!
You’ll get a lot of haters, Without the Crusaders, I'm sad to be the one with this bad news! On this site you’ll never be quite set, No features on fimfiction.net, Yes, no features on fimfiction.net, If you don't have Scootaloo!
Papa, can you hear me?
To get featured on the main page, To stay on the main page To get noticed on the page and not lose, I tell you, Sombra king, There is one essential thing... There simply must be, simply must be Scootaloo!
There simply must be, Sombra trust me, Simply must be Scootaloo!
Darkwater looked down at Wall Breaker, his face stern. "Are you done with your singing?"
"Yes," the police officer said.
"Can I go back to killing him?"
"You can try but we all know that this is the point where your friends and family arrive to break you out of the rage spiral you are trapped in." Wall Breaker grinned. "Oh look, here they are now!" He calmly struck both Doubt and Sombra with his baton, knocking them out, before ambling away. Darkwater turned away from his foes, watching through narrowed eyes as Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Chryalis, and Discord flew towards him. Each one had 'ponyed-up' and were sporting wings, horns, and strangely enough their cutie marks (if they had them) over their right eyes. Following just behind them were Shining and Sunset, both of whom were also flying though their wings were more ethereal and ghost-like.
"Go back to your school," Darkwater snapped. "I need to deal with Sombra and his bitch."
"And what then?" Celestia asked.
"I know what it's like... I've been where you are now," Luna said sadly. "You won't be able to stop with them. You will keep going, convinced you are in the right, not realizing that what you think are good intentions are in fact the worst."
Darkwater laughed. "Oh, so because you tapped into your power for a few seconds you think you understand me?"
"Listen, I get it," Discord said, suddenly popping up next to his baby brother, twin sets of demonic armor appearing on them. "The siren song of the tyrant... oh it is just so sweet." Discord snapped his fingers and the armor they wore turned into tuxes. "But Fluttershy and her friends showed me a better way, brother... one filled with more fun! Afterall, what good is having all that power if you are alone."
"It means I protect what is mine," Darkwater snapped, glaring at them.
"Tydal, you need to calm down and restrain yourself," Shining said. "This isn't you."
"This is more me than I've been in millennia," he purred. Darkwater held out his hands, raw magic swirling about him. "All this... at the tip of my fingertips... why the hell would I stop now? Because you lot asked me too?" He let out a barking laugh. "Please... the day the god of war gets strategy advice from the goddess of love's boytoy is the day I go vegan."
"Oh, I've done that!" Cadence said. Chrysalis leaned in and whispered something in her ear. "Oh! Oh! Nevermind, I thought that was something else."
Sunset looked at the others, seeing how the growing fear and concern on their faces, and floated towards Darkwater. "I know why you'll stop."
"And why is that?" Darkwater rumbled, leering at the young woman.
She reached out, her hand steady, and Darkwater blinked as she stroked his cheek. "Because when anyone else would have ignored me when I was at that restaurant, so alone and so sad, you came over and became the father I'd always wished I had. You cared for me then and that is why you will stop now. You are very old and very powerful... but also very kind. You just said it yourself: you fight not for the thrill or for the glory but to protect what is yours. And you didn't mean jewels or gems but those you love. That is who you truly are. You are the god of war because you, and only you, can wage war that brings peace. You are going to stop because when it comes to making a choice... and when you are very old and very kind... you don't just stand around while the little girls cry."
Darkwater blinked, staring into Sunset's glistening eyes, then allowing his gaze to fall upon each of them. He saw the dried tear tracks on Luna's face and the wetness that still lingers in Celestia's. He saw how Cadence was staring at him, blinking back her own tears and Chrysalis looked at him, pleading through shimmering eyes.
Sunset held still as Darkwater shut his own eyes and reached out, his fingers lightly running along her cheek just as hers did his.
"Would you smile... if I said I was sorry?" he whispered, his eyes fluttering open to reveal not the black darkness but the deep blue pools that had beheld so much.
"Tydal," Sunset whispered as Celestia and Luna both murmured, "Daddy."
"Dry your tears," Tydal, for he was Tydal once more, said softly gathering his magic around him. "It's time to go home."
And with that there was a burst of glorious white light.
~MC~MC~MC~
When Sunset Shimmer finally came to it her name was echoing in her ears. She groaned, rubbing her forehead as she tried to blink away the spots in her eyes. Her hoof gently rubbed her horn, trying to soothe the sudden ache that seemed to-
"Wait," she said, going over what she'd just done.
"You think she realizes it?" Cadence said with a grin.
"Hooves! Hooves! Hooves!" Sunset chanted in shock, staring at her forelegs.
"Was I that bad when it came to the 'evil toes'?" Celestia asked in amusement.
Sunset stared at the Squad... the clearly very much PONY squad (well, save for the draconequus... and the changeling... and the capricorn...) then back at her own pony body. She rose to up, her four legs a bit shaky as she worked to get use to her original form once more. After several moments she looked about and realized that she was in Celestia's castle, the Mirror of Worlds off to her right; she didn't quite know why Luna was talking to it but she had enough on her plate. "Where...what?"
Discord snapped his fingers and was suddenly wearing Twilight's Nightmare Night costume. "You are in the house of Elrond. And it is ten o'clock in the morning, on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know."
"You're in the castle," Celestia said with a smile, looking down at the yellow unicorn. "Safe and sound."
"Safe?" Sunset said dumbly.
Shining chuckled. "Well, as safe as you can be around the changeling queen and the god of chaos."
"I take offense to that!" Discord said, a liar detector appearing next to him. "I am 100% reformed."
The liar detector buzzed.
"Okay, 65% reformed," Discord said.
"But... I'm back here..." Sunset stammered.
Tydal nodded. "And there is someone who wants to talk to you. She's been waiting for you to wake up... been almost an hour... so let's not keep her a second more." Sunset looked up at the massive capricorn king, swallowing her nervous down before nodding; she wasn't sue to him being so much bigger than she was. Tydal led her to the mirror and Sunset was surprised to see Luna talking to a still human-looking Faith.
"So it's a date?" Luna asked.
"Sounds like fun!" Faith said with a grin. "And the other you is completely on board."
"Ahem," Tydal said, clearing his throat. "If you are done talking to my DAUGHTER-" Faith let out a whimper all men make when confronted with their date's angry father, "-we need to use the mirror."
Luna nodded and stepped aside, as did Faith. Sunset walked up and for a moment thought the mirror wasn't working It took her a moment to remember she was a pony again... and the figure she was looking at was human.
"You," she whispered, her heart plummeting. It was the Sunset of the human world... the Sunset whose body she had stolen and used. The Sunset that had spent years trapped, forced to watch as she did horrible, awful things... "I'm... I'm so sorry-"
Her human counterpart held up a hand. "Stop, okay?" She smiled. "We've shared a body for a few years now and you should know that I wasn't innocent in the slightest when you took over the controls. I was a Grade A bitch and if you hadn't come along I doubt I'd have ever changed. Heck, I'm pretty sure you were better than I was in the beginning... when you took over you cried over Flash. I would have trashed his car and ended up in juvie." The Human Sunset smiled, placing her hand on the mirror's surface, pony Sunset mimicking her. "You didn't steal my life... you saved it." The human grinned, tapping her forehead. "Besides, I know how memories of a magical world... I am going to treasure them forever." She smile fell, though not out of sadness but of quiet acceptance. "But things change and so must we. We've lived as one for long enough; it is time for us to be separate again. Not forever... I hope to someday come over to your end and try about being a pony while you can always come over and be me again... but for now we need to experience things on our own."
Sunset nodded, tears in her eyes. "Take care of our friends."
"Take care of our Tydal," Sunset said with a grin before the mirror shut down.
As this was going on Shining Armor turned to Celestia and whispered. "So... what are they doing with Doubt and Sombra?"
The solar princess smiled before softly saying, "Doubt will be dealt with by the Elements. Apparently they have ways to keep her in line. As for Sombra, my counterpart appears to be quite devious... she came up with the perfect solution. Oh father!" Tydal turned and Celestia nodded towards Luna, who had returned to the treasure room with a large box. "We have a present for you!" The lunar princess opened the box and out emerged Sombra. A very small, floppy eared, cute waggy tailed, wet nosed Sombra.
"Ruff?" Sombra the dog said, looking around in confusion.
"WIGGLES!" Tydal screamed in joy, rushing over and gathering up the startled warlock-turned-puppy dog. "Oh Wiggles, daddy missed you so much! I knew Sombra didn't really kill you! I just knew it! I promise I will never let anything bad happen to you ever again! You and Mr. Snippy can play games and you'll get your own little bed next to mine and I'll feed you dog treats and have you neutered to control the pet population... oh, I missed you so much!"
"Ruff! Ruff!" Sombra cried out in fear.
"Wiggles!" Tydal shouted in delight.
Sunset moved to stand next to Celestia, scuffing her hoof against the floor. “What… what’s going to happen to me?”
Celestia smiled gently. “If you are afraid you will be punished for stealing Twilight’s crown, don’t be. We all make mistakes and if I can forgive Discord, Chrysalis, and Luna for their sins I can forgive you.”
“We can start a club!” Chrysalis stated. “With blackjack… and hookers.”
Celestia’s smile fell though as she spoke her next words. “But I am afraid that we can not go back to the way things were.” Sunset looked down and sighed; she’d known, deep in her heart, that there was simply no way the princess would let her be her personal student ever again. “Mostly because I now see… I’m not the right teacher for you. Sunset, you are cocky and sarcastic and you think you know best… and I was exactly like you when I learned magic.” The unicorn blinked at that. “Which is why I think my old mentor would make a better teacher for you.” Sunset’s eyes went wide and she looked over at Tydal, who was cuddling a squirming Sombra. “Well father? Will you take Sunset Shimmer on as your new student?”
Tydal looked down at her, frowning. “In the span of a year I’ve returned to the world of the living, adopted a baby zebra, got a pet lobster and now my beloved Wiggles…” he grinned. “So needless to say I have gotten a bit bored. She can’t be any worse than you.”
Sunset sniffed before running over and hugging Tydal.
“Thank you,” she murmured.
“Don’t thank me just yet,” Tydal said, giving Cadence Sombra (the pink alicorn instantly creating a pink leash for the former warlock and putting him in a cute doggy sweater) before turning to those gathered before him. “If I am to take you on as my student it will mean you must go with me on dangerous assignments. We’ve all formed a group… the God Squad… to take on threats and dangers to this world. I can’t bring a civilian with me, so I ask all of you…” Discord cleared his throat and Tydal rolled his eyes. “Including part-time member Discord… will we induct Sunset Shimmer into our ranks?”
“We need more former villains in this group,” Chrysalis said. “Aye.”
“I could use a sane pony to help me out,” Shining stated. “Aye.”
“Aye for me too!” Cadence said with glee.
Luna looked at Sunset and smiled. “What kind of aunt would I be if I didn’t say… Aye.”
“And Aye for me as well,” Celestia intoned.
“And a half Aye from me!” Discord declared.
“And my final makes it official.” Tydal moved to stand with the rest of the group. “Welcome to the God Squad, Sunset.”
“Well, this was fun,” Shining said with a yawn, “but Cadence and I need to contact the Crystal Empire and let them know we are okay.”
Discord eyes went wide and he turned into a bunny. “Oh, Fluttershy’s tea party! I am so late!” He bounced away while Luna and Celestia ambled off, chatting with Chrysalis about a new Changeling Theme park in the Badlands.
“So…” Tydal said gently when he found himself alone with Sunset and Sombra (the latter of whom was trying to chew off his leash), “…ready to head to my Keep? I told you I had a room ready for you and I’m sure Merida and my kids want to meet you. As well as a whole kingdom who will be dying to meet my new personal student.” He blinked, noticing that Sunset was crying. “Are you okay?”
Sunset (a watery smile on her face as she followed Tydal through Canterlot… and towards her new home. Tydal merely smiles as she sings, both of them ignoring the looks they are getting.)
I’m coming home I’m coming home Tell the world I’m coming home Let the rain Wash away All the pain of yesterday
And though my kingdom awaits And they’ve forgiven my mistakes I’m coming home I’m coming home Tell the world I’m coming…
I’m coming home I’m coming home Tell the world I’m coming home Let the rain Wash away All the pain of yesterday
And though my kingdom awaits And they’ve forgiven my mistakes I’m coming home I’m coming home Tell the world I’m coming… ...home.
“Oh, this is so amazing!” Pinkie said, bouncing behind her sister Maud with a massive grin on her face. “It’s been so long since we lost saw each other!”
“It was two weeks ago,” Maud said simply.
“Yeah, but that was SOOOOOO long ago!” Pinkie flashed an even wider smile (which shouldn’t have been possible… I am beginning to think Pinkie doesn’t understand the laws of physics and biology… nah). “I’m so excited to be here with you!”
“I’m excited too,” Maud stated. She was supposed to be on an expedition to the Badlands (not to be confused with the Goodlands… a truly horrid place) to look at some new rock formations but when she’d heard about the Limestone Festival being held in Rockchester she had decided to swing by and see what the artists had done. Pinkie, of course, had decided that she had to come too (for… uh… reasons?) and thus the sisters got to spend more time together. “I am practically vibrating with glee.” Maud, ever so slowly, shook her body (or didn’t… honestly it was hard to tell).
“I can tell! Just look at you!” Pinkie said, getting in close and staring at Maud’s eye… which she blinked slightly faster than normal. “Wow, so giddy! Oooo!” Pinkie zoomed over to a statue that had been cut from pink limestone to resemble a dragon. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“It is a rock in the shape of a dragon-like being,” Maud said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“What else do you think of it?” Pinkie asked, examining the work with a critical eye.
“It is roughly 3.7 feet tall.”
Pinkie gasped. “IT IS!”
“It is 121 pounds.”
“IT IS!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“And that was a scream,” Maud said, looking towards the source of the cry.
Pinkie gasped. “IT WAS!”
The two sisters ran towards the source of the scream, pushing through the crowd that was already gathering near the edge of the river that ran on the outskirts of Rockchester’s main park, only to come to a halt. There stood a screaming mare, her hoof shaking as she pointed at the stallion lay before her at the river’s edge. He was half buried in the mud that lined the riverbank, a massive rock sculpture in the shape of Princess Celestia lying on top of him, crushing him. Beside him was a bag that had once held a bunch of papers but now also had a bunch of water and mud soaking into it. From the little badge that still hung around his neck it was clear that he was one of the artists that was supposed to present his work at the festival.
“Oh, this is dreadful!” one mare screamed, hugging her colt. “Oh, think of the little ones! They’ll be tramutized!”
“Cool! I want to see if his guts burst out!” the colt exclaimed.
“Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children?!?!”
“Make some space,” Maud said sternly (well, for her). “I’m taking over this investigation.”
“You?” another mare exclaimed. “And what makes you qualified?”
Pinkie scoffed. “You don’t know? This is my big sister, Dr. Maud Pie, forensic petrologist! She works with the EBI!”
Maud nodded, reaching into the pocket of her dress and pulling out a magical distress beacon. It flashed for a few seconds before, with a pop, a group of EBI agents, led by a massive dark blue unicorn stallion with a cutie mark that was in the image of a badge with the word ‘COCKY’ on it appeared.
“Alright, out of the way, old gray mares!” (they ain’t what they used to be, ain’t what they used to be, ain’t what they used to be) the stallion shouted. “My name is Steeley Booth and I’m taking over this investigation!”
Pinkie grinned, looking at Maud who was ignoring Steeley. “Ooooo! Maud, you were right… the sexual tension between you two is so thick!”
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 38: Home Alone
“Thanks for helping me out with this,” Shining Armor said as he wiped his brow, looking over the throne he and Sunset Shimmer had just gotten done moving. “I’d do it myself but I wanted an expert.”
Sunset frowned at the consort of Crystal Princess (Cadence had wanted to call him ‘Sex Buddy’ but Shining had talked her into a more dignified title; Tydal still suggested he should be called ‘The Wimpy and Pathetic Shinie). “You do realize that I only broke in here one time. That hardly makes me an expert.”
“One more time than I have,” Shining said. “Now, we need to take a look at the staircase…”
Sunset nodded politely as she followed Shining Armor out of the Crystal Palace’s throne room. She hadn’t expected to receive a scroll from Shining Armor two mornings ago asking her to come visit the Crystal Empire but had jumped at the chance to come and help Shining go through the palace and look for security risks and entry points. The truth of the matter was that while she was enjoying living with Tydal and having a family… he could be a bit… over protective…
~One Week Earlier~
Tydal smiled as he watched the dive bar burn up in flames, the flicker of the fire reflecting in his shining eyes. A gas can sat at his side, a small drop falling from the nozzle.
“You didn’t need to do that!” Sunset complained, moving to stand next to her grandfather.
Tydal, however, didn’t notice her annoyance and spoke with a much-too-chipper tone (at least in Sunset’s opinion). “Alcohol can dull your senses. That could make you make decisions you’ll one day regret, like sleeping with a roughneck stallion. That stallion would knock you up and you’d be forced to marry him. He’d hate that he was saddled down with a wife and kids and ruined his dreams of opening his own hoofball-themed restaurant. He’d begin to beat you. And the moment he laid a hoof on you I’d have to kill him and get rid of the body so you could claim insurance money. And the best way to get rid of a body is to make it look like they died in a bar fire. Clearly it is just quicker to burn the bar down now.”
“…no, it really isn’t,” Sunset complained.
“Also their bathroom had none of those paper thingies that you put on toilet sets. You might have caught an infection. The best way to kill an infection is with fire. Lots… and lots… of fire.” Tydal looked down at the ground, scuffing it with his hoof. “You know, sometimes dirt has bacteria in it-“
“NO!”
~MC~MC~MC~
"Still, thanks for your help," Shining said as they made their way towards one of the many... many... many stair cases that filled the Crystal Palace. "It's nice to have help from somepony who isn't immortal... the rest of the gang tends to forget that not all of us are as indestructible as they are. I mean, yeah, I’m technically a god-"
“And Grandpa Tydal thinks I’m immortal now thanks to the Elements of Harmony and Faith releasing all that magic.”
“-but both of us can still die if we get really big boo boos. So having another set of eyes that understand such problems is a huge help.”
"Not a problem," Sunset said. "Where is Princess Cadence, anyway?"
"She and Twiley are having a Mares Day Out," Shining stated as he came to a stop at a particular flight of stairs. He began to examine the wall carefully, looking for the one section that hid the secret trigger that would turn the stairway into a slide. He’d discovered many of Sombra’s little traps while searching through the library for Cadence’s car keys (only to realize later that Cadence didn’t own a car). "I decided that while she was having fun this would be the perfect time to get this project done."
Sunset smirked at that. "You told her it was already done and now need to hurry before she uncovers your lie."
"Yeah," Shining admitted, lips puckered as Sunset cackled at his predicament. "Very funny."
The unicorn calmed herself after a few minutes. "You know, you could have invited Tydal to help... he could have brought Wiggles… having him around might have helped-"
"I still can't believe he hasn't put two and two together."
"I think he does realize that Wiggles is Sombra but he just doesn't want to admit it... that or he knows the truth and this is his twisted way of watching over him and ensuring he doesn't cause any problems. I mean, no offense to him but he is Discord's baby brother. That doesn’t speak to sanity."
"And you might be Tydal's biological granddaughter, so what does that say about you?" Shining asked.
"I tried to invade Equestria with teenagers... it's pretty clear I'm crazy," Sunset said with a shrug.
Shining nodded, “Right… thank Faust my bloodline isn’t going to mingle with that anytime soon…” (EPIC FORESHADOWING!!!!) Shining muttered to himself and, after a few moments, he found the hidden switch and using his magic to deactivate it. "There! That one is down... we should be pretty close to deactivating all of these."
“So, I noticed a certain lack of guards… or maids… or even subjects… when I arrived this morning. Where is everypony?”
“I gave the guards and maids the day off, as I didn’t want to risk hurting anyone if I accidently activated a death trip in another part of the palace while I was trying to do something as simple as flick on a light.”
“…thank you for including me in your death trap detecting,” Sunset said sarcastically. “Where are the rest of the citizens then?”
Shining tapped his chin. “Well, with the Crystal Empire able to actually interact with the world more, a lot of them are visiting other towns and seeing about setting up business opportunities…”
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot…~
“Frick yeah, bro, you openin’ up a Timmy toos?”
The second Crystalian nodded. “”Frick ya, buddy, got ta love dem donut holes, eh?”
“Frick yeah! That’s why I’m openin’ my own Timmys, too!” the first Crystal Pony said. “After this ya want to check out a hockey game, bro?”
“Frick yeah, bro! We can pound down some Lacolts, buddy.”
“Sounds great, bro!”
Wall Breaker walked by and frowned. “I have no idea what either of them are saying.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Wow,” Sunset said.
“Frick yeah, bro, they are weird like that,” Shining said before shaking his head violently. “Sorry… it kinda rubs off on ya… you. Rubs off on you.” Glancing around as if he expected the Crystal Mounties to show up and try to brainwash him, Shining finally let out a sigh of relief and went back to checking the stairs. “Alright, so it looks like everything is in order here and-“
“DANGER UP IN HERE, BEE-OTCH! DANGER UP IN HERE, BEE-OTCH!”
“What is that?” Sunset said, looking around.
“Sombra’s alarm system… apparently he liked sassy black mare voices when it came to alarm sounds.” Shining touched a bit of the wall, causing the hidden panel to slide open revealing some special magic crystals which were totally NOT a magical version of a standard home security system… totally. “Report… what is going on?”
“MMMHMMM, YOU GOT SOME TROUBLE UP IN HERE! NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET THE GUARDS GO BECAUSE NOW YOU BEIN’ ROB. DIDN’T I TELL YOU? I TOLD YOU. REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU? IT WAS WHEN A TOLD YOU. WHEN WAS THAT? A LONG TIME AGO WHEN I DONE TOLD YOU!”
“Wow,” Sunset said. “I can’t tell if this is progressive or offensive.”
“Can’t it be both?” Shining asked. He tapped the command crystal again. “What do you mean we are being robbed?”
“JUST WHAT I SAID, SUGAR!” the system declared. “YOU GOT TWO NO GOOD NO-GOODS SNEAKIN’ ‘ROUND YOUR PALACE AND THEY ARE PLANNIN’ TO STEAL ANYTHING THAT AIN’T BOLTED DOWN. HONEY, YOU BEST DO SOMETHING QUICK!”
“Well… shit,” Shining muttered.
“Whoa!” Sunset said in shock. “You swore!”
“Uh… yeah,” Shining said. “This is ‘The God Squad’… we can curse, damn it.”
Sunset’s face twisted into a look of utter confusion. “The… what?”
“Oh yeah, we are also able to break the fourth wall but only if we are really careful.” Shining tapped his chin, addressing the security system. “Can you show me the thieves?”
“OH HONEY, I CAN SHOW YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT, SEXY BOY! YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT KING SOMBRA. MMMHMMM, THAT BOY WAS NA-STY!” A screen lowered down on the other wall and the Shining and Sunset stepped to the side as a projecting crystal fired up, showing them what was going on outside of the palace…
~Outside of the Palace…~
“What are you doing, Marv?”
Marvelous ‘Marv’ Merchant, a long and lanky pegasus with a curly mane and beard, looked over at his partner as he attached a 100 foot green garden to a spigot outside the Tim Hortons. “I’m setting up our calling card, Hairy!”
Hairy Lime, a stocky earth pony with a bald head and sour attitude, glared at his partner, rolling his eyes in annoyance. “Why do we need a calling card? Why would we WANT a calling card!? The whole point is that we don’t want people to know we robbed them!”
Marv laughed. “Come on, we always have this discussion! We need a calling card to spread terror and respect throughout the world! When people see our calling card they will know we were the ones that hit them…” He paused, considering what he’d just said. “Well, not quite us us… but they will know that the burglars that hit their neighbors have hit them!”
Hairy just rolled his eyes. There was just no talking to his idiot partner. If the pegasus wasn’t so handy when it came to reaching tall things on the high shelves… “Alright… but what does our ‘calling card’ have to be us sticking a running hose in their front window?”
“Because that is who we are… we are the Damp Bandits!”
Hairy rubbed his temples. “And why are we called the Damp Bandits? Why not something else… like the Daring Duo or the Midnight Thieves?”
“Because how would that make sense if we were called the Daring Duo? Our calling card is leaving a hose in their front window!”
“…because we are the Damp Bandits,” Hairy said slowly.
“Exactly!”
“Which we are only called because we leave a hose in their front window.”
“Right.”
“Which we do because we are called the Damp Bandits and if we were called something else we could do something else.”
“Now you are catching on!”
Hairy ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek. “One moment.” The stout earth pony walked just off screen. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!” He returned after a few moments, his left eye twitching.
“Get your traditional ‘Scream Before the Caper’ done?”
“Yeah,” Hairy grumbled. “Now then, let’s just get to robbing the Crystal Palace.”
~MC~MC~MC~
Sunset pursed her lips as the projection screen retracted back into the ceiling. “So… I vote we just let the police handle this and move on with our lives. Get some lunch? I’m thinking Tex-Mex.”
“We can’t,” Shining said with a groan. “We’re going to have to stop them ourselves.”
“Why? They’re idiots… should be insanely easy for even the fattest donut-munching cop to catch them. Hell, they might just forget what they are doing, take a nap in the middle of a hallway, and the cops can gently float them to jail.”
“Well, unfortunately for us there are no cops in the Crystal Empire.”
Sunset’s brow furrowed. “Say what now?”
“We have Crystal Mounties. And unless you are a mare being tied to a railroad track by a stallion with a pencil-thin mustaches they pretty much can only stand around and look handsome.”
“Who would ever set up a bunch of pretty boys as-wait, just remembered that Cadence runs the Crystal Empire, suddenly this makes a ton of sense.”
“Yeah. The Crystal Guard is out because I sent them away with the maids, the Neighborhood Watch is in total disarray and my attempts to make Crystal Empire versions of my sister and her friends-“
“Wait, what?!?”
“-hasn’t been working that well…”
~Meanwhile, at Aurora Twinkle’s Tim Horton’s Coffee and Bake Shop…~
“Alright then gals, it’s time ta decide who gets to go the Prancing Prom this year, dontcha know.”
Dappled Racer shook her head. “Frick no, gal, I don’t want ta go ta that! I got a tryout with the Maple Leafs ; gonna finally achieve my dream of bein’ a hockey player.”
“Well, I can’t wait ta go, dontcha know,” Scarcity stated. “I got a new batch of tuques I want to show off at the Prom, eh?”
“But if ya don’t go to the Prom I’ll never ascend into a Prime Minister!” Aurora complained.
“Anyone want more maple syrup?” Maplejack asked.
“Shhh, you’ll scare the geese… eh,” Quiververt whispered.
“And I’m the Canadian version of Pinkie Pie!” Flapper Pie declared
~MC~MC~MC~
“So, what do you suggestion?” Sunset asked, annoyed that Shining wasn’t letting her take the easy way out. “We stop these burglars ourselves?”
“I was going to suggest hiding in a closet but that works too!” Shining grinned, hurrying over to the control panel. “Alright, we’ll use a bunch of Sombra’s traps plus whatever we can find in the maintenance man’s closet. This will be foolproof!”
“…I could have stayed with Tydal,” Sunset muttered. “I could have just burned down bars with him. But NOOOOO!”
“Hey Fluttershy, can I ask you a question?” Twilight asked, looking up from the artificial turf she was lying down around Lyra’s house (the reason for which is much to complex to go over here… and it CERTAINLY isn’t because the author wrote himself into a corner with that and can’t come up with a great idea, or really any idea, for why they are doing this; yeah, that sounds right. Good job, me. Have a milkshake.).
“Of course, Twilight,” Fluttershy said, setting her shovel to the side and wiping her brow.
“Thank you… and thank you for not saying ‘you just did’. I really hate that joke and if you said it I’d have sent you to the moon and I care for you too much as a friend to banish you there.”
“Oh, how sweet… but when did you learn to send ponies to the moon?”
“Celestia taught me! She gave me this really informational video… it involved this bus driver pony named Ralph and he always got mad at his wife. I learned the enchantment from him:" Twilight cleared her voice before intoning in a frustrated tone, "One of these days, Alice, one of these days! Bang, zoom! Straight to the moon!”
“Uh, Twilight? I don’t think-“
Twilight cut her friend off, wanting to get to her question. “I was just curious… what is your dream?”
“My what?”
“Your dream,” Twilight stated. “All of us have a dream we are working towards. Rainbow Dash wants to be a Wonderbolt, Applejack wants her farm to be the best in Equestria, Rarity wants to be a famous designer, I wanted to be the greatest mage of our time,” Twilight fluffed her wings at that, “suck it, Starswirl… Pinkie wants to make every pony smile-“
“Speaking of, I think we need to talk with her… I spotted her buying laughing gas from the Joker the other day-“
“-and even Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Gel-“
“Belle.”
“Really? Huh, I’ve been calling her Sweetie Gel for years. Weird. Anyway, they wanted their cutie marks. Even Spike has a dream of interspecies sex with Rarity! It doesn't matter if your dream will never happen... ever... just that you have one.” Twilight shrugged. “I was just curious what your dream was.”
“Oh, well… it’s actually pretty plain and average, Twilight.”
The Princess of Friendship smiled. “No dream is plain. What is it, Fluttershy? Raise the prettiest bunny? Discover a new breed of butterfly?”
“To defeat Lord Voldemort and avenger my parents' deaths.”
“…Fluttershy, that is Harry Potter’s goal.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s mine.”
“It isn’t.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Then why does Lucius Malfoy keep taunting me.”
A long haired man in a robe popped up from behind a bush. “You’ll never win Fluttershy! Bwahahahaha!”
“…you know what, I honestly don’t care anymore. I’m going drinking with Zecora… haven’t done that since everyone cared about Scootaloo’s origins.”
"Question," Sunset said as she pushed a barrel over to the ramp Shining was setting up. "You are some big bad captain of the Royal Guard, right?"
"Well, I used to be," Shining said. "That all changed when Cadence was given the Crystal Empire to oversee. Kinda hard to run the Canterlot Guard when I am up here." Shining paused, rubbing his chin. "I wonder who is in charge now. I know they were going to make Shield Strap the next captain after Iron Head got promoted to commanding the Equestrian Guard at the embassy in Grifland but then he found out he was going to be a dad and asked to keep his current position..." Shining pressed his lips together. "I guess that means the current commander is-"
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot...~
"-Mr. Popo!"
"What did you say, Wall Breaker?" Logic Point asked, looking up from the helm he was polishing (and because they weren't Cadence's guard that wasn't a sexual innuendo in any way, shape, or form).
"Oh, Shining Armor just asked who the captain of the royal guard is now and I decided to make a reference to 'Dragon Ball Z Abridged'."
"Wait," Private Extra Parts (a new member of the guard who was VERY lucky he wasn't part of Cadence's guard) said with a frown, holding up his hoof. Logic Point and Wall Breaker had taken him under their wings (which, considering that they weren't pegasi, made the turn-of-phrase very confusing) and were showing him the ropes (literally... Celestia demanded that all her guards know how to tie knots... it came from her youth at sea). "Shining Armor... as in the Royal Consort of the Crystal Empire?"
"Yup," Wall Breaker said.
"The one who isn't here right now?"
"The same one."
"...how did you hear him?"
Wall Breaker laughed. "Easily! I paid attention before the author did the chapter divide."
Logic Point wrapped a foreleg around Parts before he could continue. "Just let it go, man. Let Wall Breaker do his thing, okay?"
"But... but it doesn't-"
"Trust me, there is no explaining the kook."
Wall Breaker cleared his throat. "Ahem... that is Captain of the Royal Guard Kook to you."
"Yes... sir."
The large earth pony grinned. "Great! Now let's go back to what Shining Armor and Sunset are doing!"
"How does he know who Shining Armor is with?" Parts asked...
~Back in the Empire that isn't really an empire it is more of just a small city with a gaudy castle...~
"Anyway..." Sunset said, wanting to get the conversation back on track, "you were the Captain of the Royal Guard. Luna mentioned you could create these amazing forcefield bubbles-"
Shining puffed out his chest. "Yup! Twilight might be super powerful with magic but when it comes to shields I am king."
"So why aren't we using said shield?" Sunset asked, leaning against one of the barrels.
"Say what now?"
"Why don't we use the shield to protect the Crystal Palace?" Sunset said. "You were able to protect an entire city... I think covering the palace with a pink shield would be a great idea. Much better than what we are doing now."
"Nah, the shield wouldn't work for this."
"Why not?" Sunset asked. "It almost worked against the changelings until you went out like a bitch." The unicorn male stared at her and she shrugged. "Tydal's words, not mine."
"Ah. And that just proves my point..."
"...yeah?"
"Beg pardon?"
"You said it proved your point and then didn't explain why."
Shining frowned. "Because I don't have to explain. When I say it proved my point that is all that must be stated."
"So the statement proves the point but you don't have to explain why?"
Shining nodded. "Correct!"
"You're a (censored) idiot."
"I am not!"
"That just proves my point," Sunset said with a smirk.
"IF YA'LL ARE DONE BICKERIN' YA GOT TWO NO-GOODS SNEAKIN' INTO THE PALACE NOW!"
Shining and Sunset turned to the projection screen that lowered down once more. "Bring them up, security system."
The screen flickered as the magical crystal (and totally NOT a machine... yeah, that's the ticket... magic) powered up and soon the screen showed one of the lower levels, namely the kitchen...
"Alright Hairy, what do you want to buy with your loot?"
"I'm thinkin' a night on the town to start off with. A good meal at one of those fancy restaurants were the waiters have thin mustaches, a new suit perfectly tailors, a doll on either side of me-"
Marv nodded in agreement. "A banjo."
"Yeah, a ban... a banjo? Why the hell would I want a banjo?"
"For your night on the town!" Marv exclaimed as he shut the window he'd snuck in through. "That will really class things up!"
Hairy stared at his partner, a look of utter befuddlement and annoyance on his features. "How the hell is a banjo classy?"
"Think about it!" Marv declared as he opened up his sack and began to fill it with silverware. "You are in an elegant restaurant. You're dressed in your finest, dining on a salad made from the rarest of lettuce and onions, two beauties at your side... and then the banjo begins to play." He grinned and wiggled his eyes brows. "Tell me that ain't classy!"
Hairy's brow crinkled as he stared down his partner. "You know what? I do want a banjo. Right now."
"Really?"
"Yeah, so I can BEAT YOUR SKULL IN YOU IDIOT!"
Marv just blinked. "That would ruin a classy night."
"GAAAAAAH!!!!" Hairy roared. "Just begin stuffing your sack, okay?"
Sunset watched as the two crooks got to work. "You know, it wouldn't have to be a big force field. Two little ones... right around their heads. Block out the oxygen..."
"No, Sunset," Shining said.
"...what about two in their rectums that you slowly expand-"
"I only do that with my wife."
Sunset scoffed. "Fine, be a spoil-wait, what?"
"They're nearing the first of Sombra's traps," Shining said with a grin, pressing a crystal on the wall. "Now, originally Sombra had this set up as releasing bone-freezing ice that would grow from the tile floor and ensnare his enemies but I cleverly switched it to simple glue. Sticky, hold them in place, and let us deal with them at our leisure."
"Can we get back to you and Cadence and the-"
"Hey Hairy, come over here!" Marv exclaimed. "This hallway looks like it could have a ton of cool stuff!"
"I don't care about cool I care about expensive," Hairy grunted as he tried to figure out the best way to pry some diamonds out of a mural. "I know some dragons that would pay a ton for diamonds this lovely."
"Suit yourself, I'm going after that suit of armor! I might just keep it and display it!"
"Here he comes..." Shining said with a grin. "And..."
Marv let out a yelp as one of the tiles flashed, the enchantment that had been placed on it failing and the stone reverting back into a sticky glue pad. "Hairy... Hairy help!"
"Yeah, bring your friend over so he can get stuck too!" Shining said with a grin.
"You are getting way into this," Sunset stated.
"Come on, these guys invaded my house... I have a right to enjoy them suffering-"
"Oh no, glue!" Marv screamed. "My allergies!"
"Don't move!" Hairy yelled, his anger forgotten as he tried to help his partner. "You know that your skin reacts violently if glue gets-"
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Marv screamed in utter agony, some glue getting on his back left leg. Right where the glue touched there was a hideous sizzle and the skin began to melt away, revealing muscle and bone. "Help me! HELP ME!"
"They are suffering alright," Sunset said drying.
"No... no! I just wanted them stuck to the ground!" Shining cried out, quickly reactivating the tile and turning it back to stone. "I... I didn't mean... you know that I didn't want to hurt him! Just scare him and trap him." Sunset merely shrugged. "Come on! I didn't mean-"
"They are coming up to the next trap," Sunset said.
Shining let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, watch this, it is going to be so much better. Now, Sombra set up a flamethrower-"
"Oh yes, real safe," Sunset stated. "At least my ideas would have been quick!"
"Let me finish," Shining complained. "But while you were securing the throne room I re-positioned it. Now it will fire just about their heads... might singe a few hairs on their manes but-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Hairy screamed as his mane caught on fire.
"-but if they use alcohol-based mane gel it will light them up like a candle," Sunset stated. She looked at Shining, an eyebrow quirked. "If you want them dead you should just go with my bubble idea. No need to torture them."
"I'm not trying to kill them!" Shining complained as Marv and Hairy made their way to the first flight of steps. "Alright, now watch this... this is one of the traps you helped set up. Nothing with Sombra and nothing with me. All you."
"Right," Sunset said. She didn't want to admit it but she did want to see what her trap would do. She was hoping it would really annoy the thieves and drive them to make bigger mistakes... or better yet cut their loses and flee. "Alright, so the empty paint cans you gave me are set to swing down when the reach the 5th step-"
"Empty?" Shining said in confusion. "You never said they needed to be empty."
"Yes I did!" Sunset complained. "I told you to go empty the paint cans while I got the rope. And when I came back you were looking at the hoofball scores in the paper and told me you'd taken care of everything."
"...uh oh."
WHAM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
BAM BAM BAM BAM BABAM!
"No Marv, don't go to sleep! You can't sleep when you have a head wound."
"I see a bright light..."
Sunset shrank back away from the screen. "The paint in those cans was red, right?"
"I think so," Shining said with a grimace.
Sunset looked at the captain, disturbed. "What other traps do you have set up?"
"Pardon?"
"What else did you activate!?"
"Why are you asking?"
"Wh-why? Because you are torturing two ponies down there and I'd like to know what other sick and twisted creations you've made, Jigsaw!"
Shining's brow furrowed. "Where did you hear that name?"
"It's from a movie about a crazy serial killer who created death traps and forced people into them... where do you know it from?"
"That's the name of my old mentor!" Shining said with a grin, a faraway look in his eye. "He taught me everything I know. Really encouraged me to see the world in new and interesting ways, to follow my passions, to experiment and take chances, to... why are you slowly backing away from me?"
Sunset paused her not-so-stealthy-escape. "Uh..."
"You think I'm going to go all murderer-y on you, don't you?" Shining complained.
"Do you blame me? Look at what you've done to those two thieves- NO!" Sunset stared in horror at the screen.
"Why is there glass in my eyes?" Hairy screamed. "All I see is blood and pain!"
"Oh, he activated the light bulb trap," Shining said. "But that was supposed to fire at his hooves... must have turned it upside-down."
Sunset swallowed. "You're...you're a monster!"
"I am not a monster!" Shining shouted.
"Yeah! You tell her Shining!" the Evil Muffin declared, fluttering over to him.
"WHAT THE FLYING (CENSORED) IS THAT?!?!" Sunset screamed in horror, flailing her forelegs about as if trying to ward off the hovering pastry. For his part the Evil Muffin just stared at Sunset in confusion.
Shining looked at the bake good. "That's the Evil Muffin. He was created from all my rage and hatred." The little muffin flapped his wings, his googly eyes bouncing about. Shining looked back and forth from Sunset and the Evil Muffin, a grimace slowly forming on his lips. "I admit this doesn't help my case that I'm not an insane homicidal maniac..."
"Help us!" Hairy cried out, dragging Marv behind him. Both thieves were bloody, with deep cuts and burns covering their bodies, bruising on their bodies and it clear both had broken bones. “Please… help us!”
“Of course!” Sunset cried, hurrying over to them. “I’ll get you out of this house of horrors.”
“You wanted to put force bubbles in their butts!” Shining complained.
“Hey!” Cadence said, trotting into the room with Twilight at her side, the two returning from their Cadence-and-Twilight Day. “That’s my thing!”
“Shiny… why are there two mutilated ponies on the floor?” Twilight asked.
Sunset was the one who answered. “Your insane brother tortured them! I thought this world was supposed to be nice and sweet!”
“I did not! They were thieves and I activated some of Sombra’s traps-“
Twilight stared at her brother in shock. “You mean the traps that nearly killed me and Spike and almost broke us mentally?”
“Yes!” Shining exclaimed. “Wait! I mean-“
Before Shining could clarify what he meant a nearby bathroom sink shot out a stream of water which quickly formed into Lord Tydal, the Capricorn shaking himself before calling out, “Sunset! I’m here to pick you up from Summer Camp!”
“I wish he wouldn’t word it like that,” Sunset muttered.
The God of the Sea looked down at the two mutilated ponies, an eyebrow raised. “Do I want to know what happened?”
“Shining Armor apparently tortured two thieves,” Cadence said. “I for one think it looks more like a Bondage Roleplay gone array. “
“So two points broke into your palace and you broke their bodies and minds as punishment?” Tydal asked, looking at the crying, whimpering criminals. “Shining… I am so proud of you!” Tydal’s horns glowed and he summoned a butcher’s knife to him. “Now finish the job.”
“WHAT?!?” Shining screamed.
“You hurt them now don’t leave them waiting. Finish them off and we can go get Dairy Queen. For what you did, you get extra sprinkles!”
“But… but I don’t want to!” Shining whimpered. "We should listen to what they want!"
“Please… kill us!” Marv moaned. “End our agony!”
“Send us to Faust’s embrace!” Hairy begged.
"Sprinkles..." Tydal sang as he tried to force Shining to take the knife.
“Maybe you should do it, Shining,” Cadence said, looking the criminals over. “They do seem to be in pain… this would be the humane thing to do.”
"What's wrong Shining?" Cadence asked, taking a long lick of the creamsicle that she had grasped in her magical hold (making sure to swirl her tongue around the very tip, gathering up some of the precious juices...). She, along with the rest of the gathered group, were sitting in the Crystal Empire’s most popular ice cream parlor. "You haven't touched your Murder Ice Cream. Is it not a flavor you like?"
"It's not the flavor that I dislike," Shining grumbled, looking at the big banana split that was sitting in front of him.
"Is it because there aren't enough sprinkles?" Tydal asked as he ate a spoonful of the creamy strawberry ice cream he'd ordered. "I knew there weren't enough!" He leapt to his hooves and glared at the server at the counter, who remained oblivious to the doom that was heading his way. "I will wipe out his entire family for this! No one stiffs my friend out of his sprinkles! You earned those for murdering!"
"It isn't because of the sprinkles!" Shining said quickly.
"Maybe it is the banana?" Sunset offered with a smirk, enjoying her chocolate/vanilla swirl.
Twilight glared at her brother, dropping the spoon in her sundae. "It isn't that, right? You know you need more potassium in your diet! That's why you get Charlie People in your legs!"
"It isn't the stupid banana!" Shining snapped.
The Evil Muffin floated around Shining's head, a small kiddie cone gripped by his evil magic. "Is it because they ran out of napkins?"
"No..." Shining grumbled.
"Frick, bro, Is it because they didn't put any maple syrup on it, eh?" Aurora asked, the rest of the Maple 6 seating beside her enjoying their waffle cones. “We could go to Timmy’s, see if they got any-“
"NO!" Shining shouted. "It's because I don't enjoy getting ice cream when I murder two ponies!"
"...you are a very strange pony," Tydal said, the others nodding their heads in agreement.
Shining just let out a sigh.
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 40- The Equestria Games
"I am just so excited!" Pinkie said with a massive grin, vibrating in her seat. "Aren't you excited? I bet you're excited! I can't help but be excited! You better be excited! Everypony seems so excited! Why wouldn’t the be excited? Have you ever noticed if you say 'excited' a lot the word loses all sense of meaning and sounds funny in your ears? Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited-"
"YES!" everypony that was seated around her shouted.
"Oh...good"
Applejack and Rarity shared a look and small frustrated smiles; it seemed no matter what Pinkie would always be Pinkie. Normally AJ wouldn't have lost her cool so quickly but with only her and Rarity to keep Pinkie occupied what was usually a rather easy task was now insanely taxing. It was like trying to babysit the CMC, the Cake Twins, and Discord all at the same time.
Of course it wasn’t like their friends were ditching the three of them. They simply didn’t have a choice. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were currently in the opening ceremonies and then would be prepping for the aerial relay and while they would find a bit of time to join them and watch some of the other events they simply wouldn’t be able to spend the entire Games up in the stands eating fattening treats and cheering for their town’s team.
Their sisters, along with Scootaloo, had been selected as Flag Bearers and that meant that not only were they part of the parade that was currently winding around below them but also would have to do some interviews, get a tour of the stadium, and other special perks. Rarity hadn’t been exactly sure about that, as fears of their sisters destroying the stadium rang through her head, but when she’d asked Applejack to support her on getting the three to come back right after the parade Applejack had told her friend no, the girls had earned this. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and who were they to deny them? Rarity had sputtered at that but Applejack had merely asked if Rarity’s mother was thrilled with her constantly saving Equestria; the fashionista admitted that no, her mother tended to get rather angry over Rarity risking herself time and time again… but she knew Rarity needed to do it, wanted to do it, and thus didn’t stand in her way. And the same was true with the CMC.
As for the rest of their friends Spike was getting ready to light the big torch that would signify the start of the games while Twilight had to go site with Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and the other VIPS in their booth. Applejack and Rarity had been invited to come but both had refused; Rarity said it wouldn’t be right for them to join such royalty (even though they had cupcakes and lunches with one of those said royal ponies) and as for Applejack she REALLY didn’t want to have to sit still and act like a china doll while sitting with the Who’s Who of Equestria…
~With said Who’s Who…~
“URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”
“Well done, brother!” Discord said with a grin, cracking another beer and floating it to the war god. The God of Chaos was wearing a beer helmet though only one it held was a can was actually beer… the other was a can of string cheese.
“Thanks,” Tydal said, crushing the can against his forehead. He looked up at Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and Cadence and wiggled the full can. “Sure you don’t want a sip?”
“No, father, we’re good,” Celestia said, trying to remain dignified. While she loved her father with all her heart and enjoyed spending time with him his utter hatred for the elite made him a pain at times. She could tell he was playing this super thick, just hoping to annoy those sitting with them. It was even worse with Discord next to him; Tydal and the draconequus still butted heads but had become closer over the last few months and both had an extreme hatred for the rich and powerful. The two of them having a chance to be drinking buddies meant that what might have been a minor issue was quickly snowballing into a disaster.
“We are?” Luna asked, only to get a look from Celestia. “I mean yes, we are.”
“Meh, suit yourself,” Tydal said, draining his can.
Down at the tunnel the representatives were coming out of Shining Armor stood tall and proud in his royal purple armor, his eyes shut as he cleared his voice and proudly proclaimed, “Presenting the representatives of-“
CLANG!
“-Manehatten,” he muttered, looking down at the beer can Discord had thrown at him.
“TWO POINTS!” the Chaos God shouted.
“Let me try!” Tydal said, hurling a can and hitting Shining’s helmet. “BOO-YAH!”
“Could you please not do that?” Cadence asked politely.
“Thank you,” the mayor of Cloudsdale stated with a huff. “Finally somepony-“
“If you hurt Shining’s brain it might give him performance issues. I simply can have that.”
Tydal nodded. “Of course. That’s the only thing the gimp is good at. Besides, the non-pony combatants-“
“Athletes, Lord Tydal,” Twilight said with a weak smile, “they are called athletes.”
“-are about to enter and I am interested to see who has come.”
“Really?” Celestia said, surprised.
“But of course!” Tydal declared. “You continually force me to spend time in your country with your subjects and being surrounded by a populous made up of nearly 98% pony I understand what it is like for these towns and villages that are made up of different races and find themselves surrounded on all sides by feather brained daredevil pegasi…” he looked to the mayor of Cloudsdale, “some offense, the brutish and sometimes dimwitted Earth ponies… again, some offense.”
“None taken!” Brauburn, the appointed representative of his town said with a grin from his seat in the low end of the VIP box. “We in APPLELOOSA think book-learnin’ is for sissies! That’s why I believe math is a lie made up by Hades himself! Ain’t no one that can convince me that 2 plus 2 has ta equal 3! Or is it 5?”
Celestia facehooved.
“And then there are the unicorns… the snobby, prudish, stick-up-their-plots (not those kind, Cadence),” the pink alicorn pouted, “-ponies that seem to believe they are the greatest beings to ever trot on this earth. All the offense,” Tydal told the mayor of Manehatten.
“I’m with you, brother,” Discord said, turning his beer can into a can-shaped apple. “I always do enjoy the spoiler and thus competitors tend to make great spoilers.”
Twilight looked at all the VIPs that were glaring at Discord and Tydal and chuckled nervously. Not because she feared an international incident… more because she feared one of the VIPS would forget that the two before them were the God of War, Sea, and Storms and the God of Chaos, Disorder, and Madness. All it would take is one wrong word, one snide retort, and the brothers might just decided to begin throwing spells and fantails about.
“So,” Twilight said with mock cheerfulness, trying to move the conversation to something less dangerous, “who here is excited that Supermare is moving to the CW?”
“We can discuss amazing shows in a moment, Princess Twilight,” Tydal said, motioning for her to shush. “They are calling the next group.”
Down below them Shining called out, “Presenting the representatives of Clawley!” From the tunnel flew a group of lean yet strong griffons, their faces stern though it was clear they were excited to be part of the Equestria Games.
“Ah, griffins that haven’t been reduced to the pathetic wussies our brother has bred through his foolish pajama-clad ways,” Tydal said, speaking of course of Fuzzy Thinker and the wimpy birdies that lived in Grifland.
“Yes, Clawley was founded about 200 years ago, before Fuzzy’s final cultural revolution,” Celestia stated, trying to remember the exact history of the town on the upper northern coast. “They aren’t as bad as the antisocial griffins who live in the former colony of Griffinstone but they are won’t just roll over like the Grifland griffins.”
“Pity,” Discord said, rubbing his chin. He was now wearing a baseball uniform for the simple reason of… er… “That is much too boring. I would have preferred if they were either wimps that became like the Hulk or insane goth punks.”
“Presenting the representatives of the Badlands!” Shining called out, moving as a group of rough and tumble winged drop bears dressed in black leather, bits of metal, and wild hair cuts rushed out of the tunnels, hooting and hollering. Many were wearing dog collars and had piercings, and one even had a metal arm.
“Oh what a day! WHAT A LOVELY DAY!” one shouted as he zipped about.
“…let’s go drinking with them tonight,” Tydal suggested.
“Because it would be a wild and crazy time?” Discord asked with a grin.
“Because I want them hangover before their first matches.” Tydal smirked as he looked down at the tunnel. “Any advantage…”
“Presenting the representatives of... Bridle Bay.”
Tydal began cheering his head off as a troupe of capricorns marched out of the tunnel, waving their blue, brown, teal, and bronze tails. One even had a tail like liquid gold. They moved like soldiers on parade, their eyes flicking about the arena looking for threats. Of course they were, in fact, soldiers; some of Tydal’s best and brightest warriors. They were from different squads and divisions and had many different roles (in the mix were a drill sergeant, a commando, and one of Tydal’s best spies who was tickled pink to be able to sneak into the Empire in plain view of all).
“Thank you for saying any that dwell in Equestria could field a team,” Tydal said with a grin. “And thank you for declaring that my capital is in YOUR bay… and thus is part of Equestria. Had you simply allowed me to keep the waters as my domain we could never have come to these Games.”
Luna chuckled as she watched Celestia sink into her chair, going red with embarrassment. “Well… we can kiss any swimming gold medals goodbye…”
“Where are Chyrsalis and Sunset?” Celestia said quickly, wanting to focus on something else.
Cadence shrugged. “Chrysalis isn’t allowed in the Crystal Empire… big sparkly heart fueled by positive emotions? Would be too much of a temptation. Like when I go to a strip club.”
“Sunset agreed to keep her company... said she wanted to avoid Shining’s house of horrors,” Tydal stated.
Discord looked about the stands, cupping his hands over his eyes like they were binoculars. “I see a lot of the ponies who live near Fluttershy here.”
“You mean the ponies from Ponyville?” Twilight asked dryly.
“Is that what the place is called?” Discord said. “Hmmm. Anyway, it looks as if nearly all the pathetic little ponies who live near my dear friend Fluttershy are here.”
“Oh, everypony is!” Twilight said with a grin. “We’ve all come to cheer on our team. I think the only ones who didn’t come were the Cake Twins and their babysitter.”
Celestia frowned at that. “Surely you don’t mean everypony. You did leave some police or guards to protect your homes, right?”
Twilight’s pupils went to pinpricks.
~In Ponyville~
Chrysalis trotted out of Rarity’s boutique, carrying loads of clothing and jewelry with her magic. All around her the sounds of windows being shattered and doors being smashed in filled the air, other thieves taking everything out of the houses that had even an ounce of value. The Changeling Queen looked over at Sunset who was just shaking her head.
“Could this town be any stupider?” Sunset muttered, watching as the Cake Twins happily pulled some bags of bits from the bank.
Chrysalis turned towards Twilight’s Library. “Enough gabbing, get grabbing.”
No... this was worse than dying. Dying would have been quick. A stab to the chest, a crushing of his skull, the snuffing out of his essence leaving nothingness in its wake. This was something else, something worse. Pain... pain not just to his body but also to his mind and spirit. Not so much a crushing but a tearing and shredding, reducing him to something... less.
He'd been betrayed. He'd thought Tirek was his friend, that the two of them would have their fun, spread some chaos like he'd done in the old days, and then when they grew bored he'd be able to convince the centaur to give up that which he'd taken. Perhaps... perhaps they'd gone a touch too far. Sending Celestia, Luna, and Cadence to Tartarus might have been overkill. And the draining of all magic from Equestria was a bit extreme. But it had seemed like such a fun idea when Tirek had suggested it! And Discord was sure his friend would grow tired with power and ruling... he knew he had. Discord had taken over many different lands during his eternal life and had always walked away after a decade or two. The only reason things had been different when he'd been turned to stone was that he'd threatened Celestia and Luna, failing to realize they were under the protection of another Elder God. It had been merely some hazing of the new kids... nothing more.
But now it wasn't fun and games. Tirek wasn't his friend... worse Discord had lost all his true friends because of his games. And now Tirek was ripping away his magic, adding it to his own so he might better conquer the world.
Some might have equated it to losing a limb but that wouldn't have been accurate. Yes, the lose of an arm or leg was painful but one could still live. His magic, his godhood... they were HIM. His very self was being ripped away, making him... small.
And there was nothing he could do.
No... there was. There was one thing. A fool's hope... but hope none the less. Born out of fear and terror. Born out of the comfort that could only come from family.
With the last bit of his magic Discord sent out the call, giving warning to the other Elder Gods. Fuzzy would take his sweet time, of course, and Zeena would choose her herd over him, and his Mother always did let her children handle their own affairs...
...but the youngest of the Elders, the Great Protector... he would come.
Many miles away, in a sandstone castle... Tydal's eyes snapped open.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 41- Tydal vs. Tirek: He Who Held the Line
"I'm coming with you," Merida said, glaring at her husband.
Tydal ignored her comment. He stood on the high balcony of his Keep, the sea churning in response to its god's mood. He'd already had this conversation with his daughters when they'd made the same demands. "Sink the castle the moment the last guard is inside. Drag it deep under the waves and envelope it with every spell you can think of. Bury it in the deepest trench."
"Are you listening to me?" Merida asked, her accent growing stronger with her concern and worry and frustration. "I'm not letting you go alone!"
"Yes... you are," Tydal said softly. He looked towards the shore, towards Equestria, and closed his eyes. "This is my task. Should I fail it will be up to you to lead our subjects and to avenge-"
"-you?" Merida asked in anger.
"Everyone," Tydal said. "Wait for Zeena and Fuzzy... and if you can get them to stay put for Polar as well. I'd prefer if you could get a few more of my brothers or sisters together but if not those three will lead the companies. Fuzzy was once a warrior and Polar would have taken the title of God of War from him had he been born first. Zeena is a wild card but she'll fight for you, I know it."
"Tydal..." Merida pleaded, tears in her eyes, her anger forgotten as despair overcame her. She remembered the last time her husband had left her to fight for Equestria. She remembered how that had ended.
The war god slowly turned to her and smiled sadly. "Don't ask me not to go. Our daughters are out there...Celestia and Luna…"
"Then why can't I join you?"
"Because I'm not strong enough to lose you too," he said honestly. Merida, despite her tears, nodded at last and watched as the God of the Sea leapt from his Keep and onto the sands of Bridle Bay. The guards stood at attention, bodies still before as one they saluted their king. "Goodbye my love," Tydal whispered before he turned towards the forest, sensing before he saw Chrysalis and Sunset join him. "There is nothing I can do to get you two to run, is there?"
"I follow you to the very end," Sunset declared.
"That is very well where we may be going," Tydal stated before looking at Chrysalis. "Your sole task is her life. Nothing else matters, you hear me?"
The changeling queen for once wore no smile and smirk. "I swear."
Tydal nodded and his horns glowed, pulling water from the ocean and having it swirl in front of him, creating one of his transportation portals. It wasn't his most favorite ways to travel but he couldn't afford to waste even a second. "Hold your breath then and let's go."
"You know," Sunset said softly as Chrysalis entered the portal, "this is usually the moment when you crack a joke or something."
Tydal once more turned his gaze towards Equestrai and Sunset realized that, if the world had been truly flat, he'd be staring right at Canterlot Castle. "Unfortunately little one I think the time for jokes has past."
~MC~MC~MC~
Shining Armor was sure he was hallucinating. That was the only thing that made sense. His wife wasn't trapped in Tartarus. Discord hadn't betrayed them (ass had even called him 'Stinkybutt' while Tirek sucked him dry). He hadn't been drained of his magic.
He wasn't currently being cradled by the half-mad goat-fish Cadence called Uncle Tydal.
"Tydal, let me," Chrysalis said softly as Shining's vision cleared. The Capricorn nodded and passed Shining over to her and he felt another rush of magic flood through his system. He realized belatedly that the two were giving him a bit of their own magic, replacing what had been taken from him. It wasn't much... only enough to really allow him to move and stay awake, but for Shining Armor it was like giving a glass of water to a stallion in the desert.
"What happened here?" Sunset asked, looking around the castle. When they'd emerged from the portal they'd found that all the guards had been knocked out and looked completely worn down. They'd been planning on rejuvenating a random guard until Chrysalis had spotted Shining Armor and the three had hurried over to him. "What did this?"
"And now he has been betrayed as well," Tydal stated, staring at the fallen forms of the guards. He had a bad feeling it would be the same throughout Canterlot. It was like a waking nightmare. "His magic has been drawn from him the same as yours. That's why he sent the distress message to me."
"Good," Shining said darkly.
"Not good!" Tydal snarled. "Unless all of your magic went into the sky and has become happy little rainclouds then it is far from GOOD, Captain Armor!" He let out a snort of frustration, Sunset moving to pat him on the side while Chrysalis remained next to Shining. After a moment Tydal calmed himself. "My apologizes. This is... this is not merely Discord's work. Even he would not be foolish to steal magic. Who did this?"
"Some centaur. He calls himself Tirek." Tydal raised an eyebrow. "Heard of him?"
"Must have shown up after my battle with Discord," Tydal admitted.
“What did you mean about Discord not stealing magic?” Sunset asked.
Tydal considered his words carefully, the warrior god falling away as he became once more The Teacher, the one who had taught Celestia and Luna the art of magic. While they teased him about being a 'grumpy old goat' for once he actually looked his old age. “All life has magic, even if it is a very little amount. It… it is in our blood, our cells, our bones, our…” Tydal grimaced, hating that he couldn’t find the right words to explain. “Magic is… everything. And it is unique. Taking your magic would be like… me ripping your leg off and attaching it to my body. It is an abomination and it is unnatural… and highly dangerous. Madness, death… all these await not just the one that attempts such a thing but those around them. As long as this Tirek lives none are safe. Magic simply can't be crammed into one space... it doesn't work like that. It will demand to be freed, violently so if needed, and if not returned to those it belongs to soon the damage will be beyond reckoning.”
Shining frowned, swallowing as a thought occurred to him. “The Princesses… their plan was to give Twilight their magic-“
The War God's eyes widened when he realized that his kids might still be in the castle. “Celestia… Luna…” Tydal turned and ran into the throne room, leaving Chrysalis to answer the question Shining had posed.
“That’s a touch different. They gave it up willingly, which means a bit more stability... but still, that is a dangerous tactic. Twilight can't last long with all that power in her. Why did they-"
Shining lowered his head. “They knew Tirek would come for them… and he did.”
“No…” Sunset whispered before giving chase after her grandfather. She remembered the castle well and soon found herself standing in the throne room. She’d never seen it empty like this… usually there was at the very least a guard or some pony about. But now only one sat in the middle of the opulent room, staring off into space, feeling the magic that had been performed hours ago. “Tydal?”
Sunset took a step forward and suddenly it was as if she could hear the past and all that had come before her.
“Higher, Tydal! Higher!”
“Are you sure, Celestia?”
“HIGHER!”
“Daddy, look at me!”
“I am! Good girl Luna!”
“Can we stay here forever and ever?”
“If that is what you wish, my little princess.”
“I love you.”
“Me too! I love you too, daddy!”
“I love you both very much.”
"Don't do this!"
"There has to be another way!"
“I will not risk either of you. I am selfish that way…and I will not live in a world without either of you."
Tydal lifted his head up, tears spilling from his eyes, and let out a heartbroken bellow that shook the very foundation of the castle. The stainglass windows shattered and winds swirled around him as he screamed his despair to the heavens. Sunset trembled, her own eyes watering at the sight of his pain, his wail echoing through his daughters’ empty castle.
And then he wiped his tears away and a mask of cold fury slammed down upon his features.
“He sent them to Tartarus,” he rumbled, his eyes like a midnight storm on the darkest of hours. “He sent my babies to Tartarus.”
“HEY!” Chrysalis shouted. “YOU NEED TO GET OUT HERE!”
Sunset hurried back to the changeling queen and Shining but Tydal was slower, his steps measured. Sunset found Shining leaning against the balcony rail, Chrysalis holding him up but for once not making a lewd comment or trying to get in his non-existent pants. The orange unicorn looked out past Canterlot and gulped when she saw a massive centaur battling what looked like a firefly packing a ton of magic.
“Twiley,” Shining groaned, trying to lean closer but his traitorous body refused. “She’s… she’s fighting him.”
Tydal rumbled, and nodded at the giant in the distance. “Tirek?”
“Yes.” Shining locked eyes with Tydal. “There is… no permission needed. You have the chance… you kill that son of a bitch. You do it for all of us.”
~MC~MC~MC~
“Does he… look a lot bigger than he did a few moments ago?” Chrysalis asked nervously. She’d turned into a massive eagle to get them down the mountain but now the trinity was running through the Everfree, Tydal having declared that stealth was their ally. As the two mares weren't war gods they decided to stick with the ancient king’s advice. They had just emerged from the treeline to spot Tirek bellowing and boasting about how great and powerful he was.
“He’s defeated Twilight Sparkle,” Tydal said. “He now has her magic and the powers Celestia, Luna, and Cadence gave to her.” He picked up the pace a touch. “And he’s hungry for even more.”
“Good thing we have you on our side to knock him down, huh?” Sunset said with a smile.
Tydal merely kept running.
“Some ponies are coming!” Chrysalis called out. “They're… oh, wonderful, it’s Twilight Sparkle and her Twiletts.”
“… that is a horrible nickname,” Sunset said as Tydal came to a stop before Twilight, her friends, Spike, and Discord. “And it is REALLY weird to see all of you as ponies.”
“Uh, what now?” Applejack asked.
“Sunset?” Twilight said in confusion. “What are you doing here? And I don’t mean here as in Ponyville I mean here as in… not being a human with icky toes.”
Tydal rolled his eyes.
“Really long story, involved Sombra and some guy named Faith.”
Spike scoffed. “Sounds overhyped.”
“It really is,” Chrysalis muttered.
“We found out what happened,” Tydal said, looking to Discord. “Are you alright?”
“Why do you care about this traitor?” Rainbow Dash asked with a snort, Discord wincing at her tone. “He’s the reason this happened.”
“He is my brother,” Tydal said simply. “And he made a mistake. A grave one… one he is going to live with for a very long time… and regret for reasons that have not occurred to him just yet.” The chaos god dropped his head and sighed sadly while Tydal turned his attention back to Twilight. “He took your magic?”
“Yes, but we have a plan to stop him,” Twilight said, holding up the pendant Discord had given her. “When we gave up the Elements of Harmony-“
“When Celestia and Luna were beaten by a tree,” Chrysalis said with a slight smirk.
“-it revealed a box. We think this will be the final key to unlocking what is inside… and that the contents can defeat Tirek.”
“There’s only one small problem,” Spike said nervously, glancing behind the group. “I think Tirek might want to go a few more rounds with us!” Sure enough the massive centaur was growing broad with bellowing his triumph and was now looking for something to amuse him. “We won’t get to the Tree of Harmony in time.”
Tydal shut his eyes. “1500 years…”
“What was that darling?” Rarity asked.
The god of the sea snapped his eyes opened and set his jaw. “Go… I’ll hold the line.”
“What?” Fluttershy asked nervously.
“I’ll delay him… I’ll buy you the time you need. Get the box… do what must be done.”
Rainbow let out a whoop. “Hey, maybe with the great Lord Tydal on our side we won’t even need the Tree of Harmony and what’s in the mystery box!”
“Better safe than sorry though,” Twilight reasoned. “Lord Tydal, we’ll be back as soon as we can.”
The group began to hurry off but Tydal stopped Discord as he passed. “You have to protect them now.”
“I don’t know what I can do, without my powers,” Discord admitted. “Twilight and her friends-“
“That’s not who I was referring to,” Tydal said softly.
Discord looked at his brother and then at Tirek… only for his shoulders to slump. “Oh…”
“Protect them, brother.”
“I will… and I’m so sorry.” Discord leaned down and hugged his baby brother before hurrying off, moving to catch up with the Mane 6.
“What was he talking about?” Sunset asked. “And what’s the plan?”
Chrysalis nodded. “Perhaps I could cause a distraction… take Celestia’s form? Sunset could get on that ridge-“
“You’ll run,” Tydal said, unable to look at them. “You run… and you never look back.”
“What are you talking about?” Sunset asked. “We’re going to help you… we’re going to defeat Tirek…” she noticed the way Tydal stopped, the clenching of his jaw and the small tremors that went through his body, starting at his tail and ending at his head. He’d been off all day, acting so strange… Sunset’s eyes went wide. “You can’t beat him.” Chrysalis looked at the unicorn in shock… then at Tydal when he made no move to correct her. “He’s grown too powerful… you know this… how… how long…?”
“The moment Discord sent the signal,” Tydal admitted. “He wasn’t thinking… not then. He was scared and cried out… never realizing the strength of this foe. He realizes now.” The war god let out a shuddery breath. “I knew the moment this began I was walking to my death.”
“…then why?” Sunset pleaded. “Why do this?”
“Get her out of here, Chrysalis. Get her as far away as you can. She’s under your protection now.”
“Tydal…” the changeling whispered, tears in her eyes.
“WHY?!?” Sunset screamed as Chrysalis tugged at her. “There has to be another way!”
“There are many,” Tydal murmured. “But I will not risk any of you. I am selfish that way…and I will not live in a world without any of you. Now… go.”
“Please!” Sunset screamed as Chrysalis began to pull him away. “Don’t do this!”
“When you are an old mare, with grandfoals of your own, and they ask you who taught you your spells… tell them ‘he who held the line’. And… let that be enough.” Tydal smiled sadly before turning away from them and trotting towards the scarred battlefield. “Let this be enough.” Sunset continued to scream but her cries grew faint as Tydal stepped into Tirek’s line of sight.
“And what’s this?” Tirek bellowed, juggling two orbs of chaos magic. “Another come to play with me?”
“Not to play,” Tydal stated. “It’s over, you know… by the end of the day you’ll be back in your chains.”
“You’re rather sure of that!” Tirek declared, lobbing the orb at Tydal. The old goat easily leapt away but made no move to attack. “I’m curious… before I swat you away like the fly you are… what is your name?”
“I… am Tydal. You attacked my daughters,” Tydal said darkly, body trembling with rage as stared up at Tirek. “You trapped them in the depths of Tartarus, weak and in torment!” Tydal’s eyes flashed and storm clouds began to roll in. “You drained my baby sister of Love itself and now twist it into your dark power. You attacked the greatest stallion I have ever known and left him weaker than a foal! You seduced my brother with your lies and then betrayed him when he was of no use to you! Oh Tirek… if you wanted my attention consider it gotten!”
“Is that supposed to impress me?” Tirek asked with a laugh. “News flash, little bug… I just defeated Twilight Sparkle, Equestria’s greatest hero… and she had the power of four alicorns.”
“She was a foal playing with power she did not understand.” A bolt of lightning struck Tydal, engulfing him in electricity even as the earth and the nearby river rushed to him, joining with him as he rose up. Tirek actually looked a bit concerned as the ethereal form swelled large until at last Tydal stood before him, able to stare him in the eye. And even though he was in his 40% form he held more control than he’d held before. “Today… you fight a god.”
Tirek took a step back as Tydal rolled his shoulders, water droplets that could drown entire towns falling from his body as the Lord of the Sea snorted, lightning crackling along his horns. The mighty centaur however quickly regained his nerve and began to channel his own magic. “You think I fear you, old goat? The magic of the alicorns flows through my veins! The sun! The moon! Love! The Elements of Harmony! Chaos! They, and the power of this land, flow through me and-“
Whatever threat he was about the issue died in his throat… most because Tydal’s stone left hand wrapped around his neck and squeezed so hard Tirek’s eyes nearly popped out. The War God merely smirked before drawing back his other fist, charging it with the rage of the hurricane.
2 Hours Later 30 Nautical Miles off the Shore of Equestria
"And then me dear father looked me and said, "Moody, know that I always hated ya... but ye be me son and I won't let no corn-chuckin' soldier take you down!"." Captain Mood Whiplash of the Tropespouter placed his hat over his heart, half his crew manning the spotlight and the band (made up mostly of sad violins... both in terms of music and their childhood) while the other half watched, sniffing back tears. They'd left port a month earlier, Whiplash unable to stay in one place for too long, even if he was married to Zeena of Zebrica (who was known for both her ability to rhyme on a dime and for making horrible life choices). "And so my dear father rushed in, with only an old shoe and a bottle of mustard to defend himself-"
"Captain!" Popeye (the lookout, not the sailor man... who yam what he yam) called out. "Storm comin' this way!"
"A storm?" Whiplash asked, putting his hat back on and grabbing his seeing eyeglass. The weather had been clean and clear the entire day, the sea having just the right chop to make things not dull, and it had been looking to be smooth sailing. But, sure enough, speeding towards them at a rapid pass was a dark storm. There was no lightning or thunder though... just a wall of black clouds. "Get the ropes tied off! Adjust the sails! Put the Playbills in my cabin!" His crew hurried to their tasks while Whiplash watched the unusual storm approach.
"What is it, sir?" one sailor asked. They were used to storms, having sailed around the Horn of Oh-Shit-Oh-Shit-This-Storm-Is-Insane many of times. But this one was different. The sea was not growing more violent but actually became tame and the rain that had begun to fall was not pounding the ship's deck but fell down in fat gently drops. The sailor stuck up his tongue and blinked in confusion. "The rains cap'in... they be salty!"
Whiplash looked down at the water and nodded safely. "Ey, I suppose they are."
"What... what is happenin' sir?"
"Look for yourself," Whiplash said. The sailor peered down over the rail, following the captain's eyeline, and saw that all the fish and sharks and dolphins and whales and all the life of the ocean had risen to the surface and were now staring out to the west. "It's the sea, boy... it be not rainin'. It be cryin'."
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted Episode 42- Tydal vs. Tirek: One Last Victory
Tirek’s world exploded in pain as Tydal struck, his fist smashing in Tirek’s nose and sending the giant crashing to the ground. He coughed, spitting a massive molar out, only to let out a gasp when the monstrous capricorn landed on him, driving his back hoof right into Tirek’s Adam’s apple. The magic-thief gurgled, trying to lash out and strike Tydal back but the old god grabbed Tirek’s horns and with a roar that shook the heavens lifted him into the air before driving him right back down into the ground, the agony that ran through Tirek’s throat forgotten as he felt his spine crack and nearly break. Tydal took hold of Tirek’s back leg, his stone fingers probing it almost gently before he took hold of his patella and crushed it.
The centaur tried to crawl away only for Tydal to spin in the air, his fan blade slashing his back and causing Tirek to howl in pain as blood sprayed from his battered form.
"Did you think this would go unanswered?" Tydal snarled as he moved in to pound Tirek's face in, only for the centaur to roll out of the way. "Did you think that Equestria was alone? There is still one guardian who draws breath!"
"I didn't know and I didn't care!" Tirek roared, catching the war god on the chin with an uppercut that had his head snapping back so hard it nearly separated his brain stem from his spinal column. Tydal stumbled back, just managing to lift his arm up and block a left hook Tirek sent his way. "I have grown beyond all this world can send to challenge me! You call yourself a god?" Tirek grabbed Tydal's head and smashed the Capricorn's forehead into his kneecap. "I find Equestria's choice in deities rather unimpressive."
Tydal let out a snort, ducking a kick Tirek sent towards his head. "That's the problem with you world conquerors." The tentacles that made up his lower body in his ascended form rushed out, grabbing onto Tirek's wrists and pulling in opposite directions until the giant was bellowing in pain. "You are always so concerned with the grand spectacle!" Tydal pulled Tirek in, dropping his head and goring the magic-thief. Blood mixed with the water that made up Tydal's skin and he reached out with his right hand, gathering up Tirek's entrails and giving them a violent twist. "So worried about putting on a show!" Tydal released Tirek's wrists before creating a ball of salt water and sending it into Tirek's stomach wound, a vicious smirk on his face as his foe roared in agony.
The giant centaur took a step back, his hand trembling as he held it out as if pleading for Tydal to stop. But he didn't cry out anymore or make any move that would indicate how injured he was. Instead Tirek merely closed his eyes, focusing for a moment, and Tydal let out a sigh of annoyance as the would-be overlord healed his wounds. Tirek smirked, cracking his knuckles and motioning for Tydal to come at him again.
"You didn't think I merely knew how to throw a few balls of magic, did you?" Tirek asked.
"I was hoping you were that stupid, yes," Tydal admitted, channeling some lightning and sending it at his opponent. Tirek dove away and created a flaming whip that he brought down on Tydal's back, causing the War God to snarl in pain.
"The only magic that belongs truly to me and me alone is my magic-draining spell but that doesn't mean I am a fool or a novice. I know how to battle as a mage..." he suddenly darted forth, far too fast for one of his size and bulk, caught Tydal's arm and ripped it clean from his body, "...though I do so enjoy the personal touch." Before Tydal even had a chance to regrow the arm Tirek was on his, throwing fists and hooves at him, knocking him back again and again, the god of the sea stumbling over hills and the battered remains of houses as Tirek drove him back. "Why do you fight me? I can feel it in you... the desire for the fight. You are a War God, aren't you? You favor strength!" Tirek drove his hand into Tydal's back and squeezed his spine, trying to tug it loose. It was only because it was currently stone and not bone that Tydal survived that assault. "Power!" Seeing that wasn't working Tirek released him only to grab his head and force him to look at him. "VICTORY!"
Tydal roared as Tirek drove his thumbs into his eyes.
The centaur laughed as he threw Tydal into the sky. "You could have been my ally!" he boasted, waiting for his foe to come crashing down. "Not like Discord, of course... that fool was soft and weak! But you aren't! You hate these ponies almost as much as I do!"
"And yet I'll die defending them," Tydal's voice whispered on the wind before two twin thunderbolts came crashing down, electrocuting Tirek. “Because no one, Tirek… no one deserves this.” The centaur gasped in pain, clutching at his chest; it felt like his heart had nearly popped. He looked up and saw Tydal hovering above him, wings made of pure lightning having spread from his back. "God of the Storm as well," Tydal informed him.
"You will die for them?" Tirek roared, leaping into the air and wrapping his arms around Tydal's middle, the two tumbling through the stormclouds, lashing out at each other with punches stronger than thunderclaps. "THEN LET ME GRANT YOU YOUR WISH!" He twisted in mid air and threw Tydal back down, the capricorn slamming into the earth with the force of a meteor. Tirek came down a moment later right on Tydal's chest, knocking the air from his lungs. "Fool!" Tirek roared. "I can sense it... you're holding back! Why? Stop playing and show me what you have!" He grabbed Tydal by the throat, forcing his head up, the war god coughing up a mouthful of sea water. "Or is it because you don't dare?" Tirek saw Tydal flinch and knew he had him. "That's it, isn't it? You know you have the power to defeat me but tapping into that strength would threaten the precious little ponies you are now trying to protect!" He punched Tydal in the face... not so much to weaken him as to humiliate him. "You can't win, can you? If you die they die... but if you grasp the power to kill me you'll destroy all of them!"
"Y-yes," Tydal gasped.
"Then why don't you just lie down and die?"
Tydal's form shuddered and suddenly the stone crumbled in Tirek's beefy hand and the water splashed and rolled along the scarred battlefield. For a moment Tirek thought perhaps the old god had willed himself to die... only to howl in pain when he felt a very sharp fan tail lash out between his legs. Tears formed in his eyes and he looked down to see Tydal, once more in his 1% form, panting with blood trickling from the corner of his mouth... and Tirek's balls resting beside him.
The damn goat had castrated him!
"Like I said... so concerned with putting on a big flashy show," Tydal taunted, giving the balls a kick. "Rather small when compared to the rest of you..."
Tirek roared, healing himself in an instant and charging up his horns. "LET'S SEE YOU LAUGH IN HELL!" He sent the beam of raw magic right at the old goat, laughing in malicious glee as it struck head on, the ground turning to glass and what few trees had remained rendered little more than ashes from the fiery onslaught.
Tydal grit his teeth, his legs braced as he fought back. "Lie down and die?" he asked. "I don't know how." With a mighty push Tydal managed to shove the blast back, Tirek forced to leap away lest he be struck by his own attack. He looked down at Tydal, rage blinding him even as the god of the sea panted.
"I WILL DEFEAT YOU!!!!" Tirek roared, rushing towards Tydal, his hooves tearing into the bedrock and kicking up pebbles like they were boulders. But he found that a small nimble opponent was harder to pin down than a giant of his own size and strength. Tydal leapt about the battlefield… and then he began to leap about Tirek, his tail lashing out and his horns burning with magic as he tossed every spell he had at the centaur. Blood dripped to the stone in buckets and even Tirek found himself slipping at times as his ichor stained the rock.
And still Tydal fought on.
He swept under Tirek’s right foreleg and lashed at the tendons, moving just as his foe’s knee came crashing down. Then he was leaping up, lightning so hot it burned the tip of his mane, his eyes blazing as he channeled all the rage and pain and fear that had been bubbling inside him into one grand attack. The ground broke open and geysers shot scalding water as the storm clouds trembled under the power of the God of the War, the God of the Sea, the God of the Storm. Tydal thought of his little girls trapped in Tartarus, of Shining's pain, Sunset and Chrysalis' tears, of his brother's betrayal. He thought of all the fillies and colts and foals in Equestria and in the blink of an eye he recalled all their names and counted all that would die if he failed to hold the line. He counted them all in one terrible moment and felt the weight of their lives upon him.
He would not break.
Not yet.
“DARK MAELSTROM- CELESTIAL LIGHTNING!”
Twin blasts of energy shot out, one from each horn, spinning for a moment before they took on the ethereal forms of Celestia and Luna, the two racing towards Tirek. The burning water twisted as well, forming into liquidy shades of Cadence, Discord, and Shining, grasping Tirek and holding him in place as the twin bolts lanced through the centaur's body, engulfing the battlefield and blinding all who may have been watching. The blast sent Tydal tumbling head over tail through the air until a mountain stopped his fall. Even then he could hear Tirek roaring in pain and through blurry eyes saw that he had blown off half of Tirek’s right side. His body aching worse than when he’d battled Discord, Tydal still found the drive to stand and even as his horns felt ready to crack he focused on the water around him and created several water spouts and sent them right at Tirek, the pillars joining at the last moment and driving right into the centaur’s mouth, Tydal panted as he willed the water into his foe, trying to drown him.
It isn’t enough.
It was never going to be.
Tirek was on him in seconds, his meaty hand wrapping around his smaller form, squeezing until Tydal’s vision was mere pinpricks of light. The centaur was laughing, he could tell, and when he finally relaxed his grip the old goat was looking right into his eyes.
“I thought long and hard about this… and I’m not going to kill you,” Tirek taunted, giving Tydal a hard shake. The war god could do little, his body weak and weary, screaming at him to just let go. “I’m going to drain you like I have every other pony… and then I will recall the princesses and make you watch as I kill them… slowly.”
Tydal trembled but could do nothing more.
“Know this, old god… all this amounted to NOTHING.” And with that Tirek opened his mouth and twisting magic appeared between his and Tydal’s mouths. Tirek would have crowed in victory as he drained Tydal dry if he could have but settled merely for watching the capricorn, waiting to see the hope die in his eyes. Oh, how he wanted to see the defiant fire be doused in those dark orbs.
It never was.
And Tirek didn’t feel any stronger.
In fact, if he thought about it… he actually felt… weaker. As if he weren’t gaining anything at all and instead something was being taken from… him…
He froze, the magic still swirling between their mouths.
Going from him to Tydal.
He ripped Tydal away, the god’s battered form hanging in his hand but a weak smile on his lips. Tirek began to gasp and pant in panic, touching his chest, flaring the magic in his horns, desperate to figure out what had just what had happened.
“What… what have you done to me?” Tirek asked, hating how scared he sounded.
Tydal chuckled though that did little to hide his pained groan. “No one ever wonders how I managed to teach Celestia and Luna. Capricorns have magic but not quite the level of alicorns. We are built for physical battle but I was always a touch special. See… a great warrior looks at their foe and doesn’t merely discover their weakness… they discover their strengths and adapt them as their own. I spied on the unicorns and learned their tricks... and then taught them to my little fillies. I'm a quick study.”
“Stop speaking in riddles!” Tirek roared, shaking Tydal.
“To put it bluntly… I used your magic theft spell against you… and took the most important magic of all away.”
“Yours,” Tydal said with a victorious smile. Tirek actually stumbled at that. “I ripped away your magic, Tirek. All you are living on now is stolen spells, old horse. How does it feel to know that this is it… your pinnacle.” Tirek stared at him, slack jawed, as the full might of what Tydal had done came crashing down at him. “You always desired more… to keep getting stronger. To know that you are done, that you can never take even a single drop of magic from another… that all you have to look forward to is becoming weaker, to know that should you fall now you will never be able to take another drop… it must be hell.”
Tirek shuddered in rage. “Kill you… I’ll kill you!” He lifted Tydal up, ready to smear him against the bedrock, only to realize that the capricorn was beginning to glow. “What… what is this?” he demanded, bringing Tydal back down to his eye level.
Tydal’s head lulled to the side, his abused body barely holding together even as his flesh began to glow and the air around him swirled with magic. “I’m not you, Tirek… I don’t keep what isn’t mine. So I’m going to use your filthy magic… for one last spell.” He smiled then, a smile that one might have seen on an old stallion after a hard day of work, settling down in his rocking chair to watch the sun set on both the day and his life. A smile of contentment, of acceptance. Of an old soldier having won one last victory. The raw energy was seeping out of his pores but all the capricorn could do was let out a sigh. “So it ends.”
Tirek stared at Tydal’s rapidly glowing body before, with a bellow of rage, he threw him as hard as he could into the sky. The war god’s body flipped and tumbled as he rocketed upward, the energy of his final spell trailing behind him like the tail of a shooting star. He looked down at Equestria as it sat far below him and the waters of the Mareatine that had been his home. He looked upon the world he had loved. And as he did so he saw it… the rainbow light bursting from where the Tree of Harmony sat.
Tydal cried in relief.
He’d kept his promise.
He’d held the line
It had been enough.
“Glory to the Mareatine,” Tydal whispered as the magic reached its apex. “Long live Equestria.”
‘I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss.’
In Grifland Fuzzy Thinker suddenly looked up, his half-moon glasses slipping from his grasp and falling to the ground. The teachers that were seated with him at the great table began to question him but he could not speak. He pressed his claw to his chest and broke down, not caring who saw his tears.
‘I see the lives for which I lay down my life, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy.’
In Zebrica the herd stopped dead still when Zeena froze before lifting her head and letting out a heartbroken whinny… the call of family left behind, unable to follow unto the final journey. The herd joined their Lady in her grief, their cries a serenade to send the soul on it’s way.
‘I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts’
In Reinssia Polar Vortex let out a roar of rage and began to destroy his own throne, his subjects moving aside, watching as the great peryton thrashed with tears in his eyes. Finally he collapsed and sobbed out a single name… and all knew that a great hero had fallen.
‘And in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence.’
Deep beneath the waves a kingdom stopped as one… and the sea went still with grief.
‘It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done;”
In the space between spaces the Mother bent her head and wept for her baby boy.
“ it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.’
The sky erupted in brilliant light.
Sunset and Chrysalis screamed even as Twilight and her friends raced in on rainbow-tinted magic.
To save the day.
Tydal vs. Tirek: If You Seek His Monument, Look Around You
“He died... Sssaving the city... No, that's not true... He sssaved the city, yes... But he died ssssaving me. I ssssaid, "I'm not worth it." He said, "Everyone's worth it."
-Clayface, Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?
Faith and… er… The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted Episode 43- Tydal vs. Tirek: If You Seek His Monument, Look Around You
Shining let out a sigh of relief, slowly rising back to his hooves as he felt strength and power return to his body. He had tried to watch the battle but the storm clouds that had gathered had blocked much of his view, the dark skies and thundering booms of lightning cutting through the air making it impossible to tell what was happening. All he could do was hope… hope that the mad god who was the source of his stress headaches and who annoyed him to no end and who he constantly fought with…
…his best friend…
…would save the day.
And then the clouds were driven away by rainbow light and his magic was returned. He turned, grinning as he saw his sister and one of her friends floating beside him, their manes in… utterly ridiculously mane cuts (not that he’d ever tell them that; Mama ain’t raised no fool!)… and grins on their faces as they passed through Canterlot, returning all that Tirek had stolen.
“Are you okay sir?” Wall Breaker asked. “Logic Point and I were watching everything from Princess Celestia’s Evil Villain-Proof Panic Room-“
“Wait, what?” Shining said, staring at the two. “If the princesses had… no, wait,” Shining held up a hoof. “I don’t want to know. Wall Breaker, I need you to gather the forces. While I assume my sister and her friends are saving the princesses we need to locate Lord Tydal, his student Sunset Shimmer, and Queen Chrysalis. They were headed to confront Tirek.”
“Shall I find them in conventional means or Pinkie Pie means?” Wall Breaker asked with a salute.
“Uh… the second?”
Wall Breaker nodded and tapped a door three times before opening it and causing Chrysalis and Sunset to tumble out. Shining considered questioning what he’d just seen but when he thought about his sister’s mane style cut and that all of Equestria had just been conquered by someone with two sets of ribcages he decided now was not the time for deep thoughts. Instead he rushed to the two and helped them out. “Hey… it’s okay!” He said with a grin. “Tirek is defeated any everyone has… their…” he trailed off, looking at the tear-stained faces of the two. “What happened?”
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight waved goodbye as the last of the Ponyville residents left the castle and began the trek back to their homes. The emerging of the new castle (which she hadn’t named yet by Spike wanted to call ‘The Technodrome’ for some odd reason) had been the spark to set off a town-wide party that delighted all and had Pinkie going into a party-induced bliss. Everyone, so thrilled to have returned to normal and knowing that the newest princess had saved the day, had gathered to sing and celebrate Tirek’s defeat and the victory achieved once more by the newly-minted Princess of Friendship.
But, after several hours, the townsfolk had decided to head back home, each of them quietly deciding that after such a stressful day the Princesses and their close friends deserved some rest. The last to leave were Applejack and Rarity’s families, all of whom promised to continue the festivities once the country mare and the fashionista got home.
That left Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Discord in the castle with the Mane 6 and Spike, all of them relaxing after a hectic few hours. They had sang and danced and ate and reveled in their victory and now all sat quietly by the thrones that had appeared in the castle, simply enjoying the quiet.
“…you know, it would be nice if we could end a season without a big giant crisis,” Pinkie said. “Like in season 1 with the Grand Galloping Gala!”
“…what are you talking about?” Spike said in confusion.
“You know, the Gala!” Pinkie said.
Applejack frowned. “I don’t think that’s what he-“
But Pinkie continued on as if she hadn’t been interrupted. “The last season ended nice enough with Twilight becoming a princess but that only happened because she goofed up a spell-“
“A spell Starswirl the Bearded couldn’t figure out,” Twilight muttered.
“-and the time before that invasion at Princess Cadence’s wedding. You know, the one led by that black bug pony… what was her name again?” Pinkie tapped her chin. “It is on the tip of my tongue… no one tell me, let me figure it out!” Pinkie thought long and hard. “It was… hmmm.”
The doors of the throne room slammed open and Shining hurried in, Sunset right behind him, and on the rear was-
“Chrysalis!” Luna called out.
“Hey! I wanted to figure it out!” Pinkie exclaimed before realizing who’d shown up. “Oh! Hiya! Did you come here for the party?”
Sunset stared at the gathered ponies in shock and disgust. “Party? Party!?! How dare you!” She lit up her horn but Shining stopped her.
“They don’t know,” he said softly.
“Shining?” Cadence said. She’d begun towards him, wanting to give him many hugs (of both foreleg and mouth variety) only to stop when she saw that his eyes were red from crying. “What… what is it?”
Discord, for his part, suddenly stopped smiling and sat down on the ground with a thud, not having the energy to even make a chair. “Oh no.”
“What?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What’s the big deal? We saved the day, everyone is safe… right?”
It was Celestia who spoke. “Where… where is Tydal?” She knew there was no way her brother would have remained at his Keep if she were in danger so he must have come to save the day only to be late... he was just late. That was all.
Sunset began to sob and Shining merely held her close, too emotional to speak. It fell to Chrysalis to utter the words.
“He fell.”
Luna took a step forward only to stop suddenly. “You… you mean he’s hurt, don’t you? He was injured? Have you taken him-“
“Princess,” Rarity said quietly, Fluttershy joining Sunset in crying when she realized what the changeling was getting at, “we saw him when we went to the Tree of Harmony. He… he stayed behind.”
“Behind?” Celestia said with growing fear.
“To hold the line, again Tirek,” Applejack murmured, removing her hat. She looked to Chrysalis. “He… did he…”
“He held the line,” Chrysalis whispered, her words nearly drowned out by the soft sobbing of Sunset Shimmer. “Till the bitter end.” Applejack dropped her gaze and placed her hat over her heart while Rainbow stopped flying and landed to the ground.
“No… no!” Luna screamed. “He… he didn’t! He couldn’t! Tirek… Tirek could never defeat him…”
“He could… with our magic,” Discord whispered, looking at his own hands. “We killed him.”
Celestia whipped around and raged. “Don’t you dare, Discord! Don’t you dare say that! I am in no mood for one of your tricks!”
“Princess Celestia,” Twilight said, startled by her mentor’s words.
“This is all some big gag, isn’t it? One of your pranks!” Her horn flared but Discord made no attempt to shield himself. “Tell me where he is! TELL ME!”
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight shouted, the alicorn of the sun stopped as reality came crashing back down upon her. “Please… Discord…” Twilight stopped speaking when her teacher turned around, everyone frozen by the look of utter pain and devastation upon her face. Cadence was hugging Luna, the two seeking solace with one another in their grief, now while even Spike blew his nose, wanting to claim that he had dust in his eye but feeling that wouldn’t be right. Even Pinkie was in tears, her mane deflating like a limp balloon. Twilight took a step forward and the soft click of her hoof seemed to be the trigger for Celestia as the white alicorn fell to the ground in an undignified heap, her mane falling to cover her face as she let out hiccuping gasps. Twilight stepped closer, her own vision blurring as she watched her mentor. “Are… are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” Celestia asked with a bitter little laugh. “No Twilight…” she looked up, her ethereal mane shifting so her beloved student could see the tears in her eyes, and in the smallest of voices said, “…my daddy is dead.”
No one said anything for a long time.
Finally Rainbow managed to ask, “Did… did he have a good death?” the others stared at her and she weakly shrugged. “I didn’t spend much time with him… only when he first woke up from the stone sleep… but he was a warrior. He wouldn’t have wanted to die in his bed or slowly bleeding out. He’s… he’s like me.” She couldn’t look at her friends as she said, “I don’t want to die old and feeble. I want to go out saving Equestria or pulling off an imposible stunt. He would have been the same way.”
Sunset was the one who answered. “He died… he died a hero.”
“I don’t want a hero,” Luna said. “I want my dad.”
Discord spoke after a few moments, looking almost puzzled. “I’ve never truly felt the world without him.” He reached out, as if stroking the threads of magic itself that connected all life. “This will reverberate throughout the world. Our family will grieve… and the fighting will begin.”
“The fighting?” Twilight asked in confusion from where she sat next to the mourning Celestia.
Chrysalis nodded ever so slightly. “He was one of the Elder Gods… the fifth oldest being in existence. The God of the Sea… of the Storms… of War… gods, demigods, and beings of power throughout the world will rally to claim his titles as his own. We have to be ready.”
Sunset hiccuped and angrily spat. “Can’t the vultures wait a day?”
“That’s not how it works,” Discord said. “We have to ensure his wishes are met… and that those that would seek to steal his birthright never succeed.”
Celestia refused to say a word so Luna was the one who spoke. “Merida must be told… she must take over as the Master of the Seven Seas. It is only right. For storms I suppose that will pass back to Fuzzy or one of his children.”
Shining nodded. “I suppose Polar could be the war god-“
“He’d want you to claim the mantle,” Sunset stated.
“R-really?” Shining asked, startled.
“Of course,” Discord said, for once sounding very old. “You were and shall ever be… his friend.”
Shining stood a bit straighter even as he blinked back tears. “Then I will fight to claim the title.” Cadence flashed him a watery smile, making it clear she would support him in his quest.
“We need to do something,” Celestia said at long last. “To honor him.” She looked down the hall but all sensed she was looking out farther than just the castle walls. “He saved us all and no one knows it. We celebrated and sang while the last of his magic lingered in the air. He deserves praise and song… he deserved to have all remember his name. For everypony to know that our freedom was paid with a heavy price.”
“A day of remembrance and grief,” Luna said firmly.
“Perhaps a statue,” Cadence said. “A monument.”
Sunset smiled. “Something to allow the world to know what he did.”
“No,” Shining said, shocking them all. Sunset whipped around, ready to yell at him, to tell him off, knowing that he and Tydal had always bickered and he was probably glad the Capricorn was gone despite what he’d just said minutes earlier… only to stop. Sunset could only look at Shining as he stared at them all, tears in his eyes. “He wouldn’t have wanted that. For all his boasting, for all his ego… he was a humble ruler… a humble hero. He would have laughed at a statue and bucked apart any monument that we’d have put up. He would have thought a holiday stupid and mocked those that came out of the woodwork proclaiming their love for him as mere yes-ponies looking to get in the good graces of the princesses.”
“We have to do something,” Luna exclaimed. “Something to show the world…”
“Yes,” Shining said. “We do. But he doesn’t need some stone statue or engraved metal plague on a pole.” He lowered his head and sniffed before forcing himself to look up again. “We will be his monument. He died saving this country… and I will not allow it to fall after what he gave up to buy us even one more day. We will continue on, we will grow stronger… and every breath we take will be a testament to his sacrifice. Let Equestria be his monument and every day we live free a testament to his sacrifice.”
Twilight smiled at that. “I… I think he would like that…”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
“Twilight,” Celestia said weakly, “I don’t want to see anypony. I… I can’t deal with their smiles right now.”
“None of us can,” Luna said.
“I’ll answer,” Chrysalis said, hoping that, maybe, her appearance would scare whoever it was at the door away. But when she opened it she found herself pushed aside as the visitor stomped in.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle?” a grim stallion said as he entered the throneroom, looking to all like he owned the place. He was wearing a long trench coat that hid most his body and a fedora that covered his features, making him look rather sinister.
“Huh?” Twilight said, startled by the appearance of the strange male.
“Is your name Princess Twilight Sparkle?” he repeated gruffly.
“…yeah?” Twilight said nervously.
“I’ve got something for you…” he reached into his coat pocket and Celestia and Twilight’s horns lit up, ready for an attack… only for them to dim when they saw what he was holding. “A letter!”
Spike huffed. “A letter to her? That's impossible! I give her all her mail! Who the heck are you?”
“Pony Express,” the stallion said, removing his hat and wiping his brow while Twilight magically took the letter from him. “Actually a bunch of us at the office were hoping that you could shed a little light on the subject of that little item. You see, we've had this envelope in our possession for the past one thousand years.”
“A thousand years!” Twilight and her friends shouted in shock.
“I know,” the stallion stated with a laugh. “Legend states that Starswirl the Bearded himself appeared, glowing blue like a spectre, and gave it to us with explicit instructions that it be delivered to a purple alicorn answering to the name of Twilight Sparkle in this town, at this exact time, on this exact date. We had a little bet to see if you would actually be here.” He she let out laugh. “Looks like I lost.”
Sunset held up a hoof, still sniffing back tears. However, the revelation the Pony Express Carrier had said gave her something to focus on. “You… did say a thousand years, right?”
“One Thousand years, 2 months, 12 days to be precise.” He turned to Twilight and asked her to sign but Twilight, too befuddled by the whole situation, merely used her magic to open the ancient-looking letter. Her eyes scanned the letter, instantly falling to the signature:
‘Your father, your brother, your grandpa, your friend
-Lord Tydal’
“It’s from Tydal!” Twilight shouted.
“Daddy?” Luna whispered, rising onto shaking limbs. Shining’s eyes went wide and Celestia and Cadence looked at each other before rushing over. Chrysalis let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding and Discord floated above Twilgiht’s head as everyone gathered around to read over Twilight’s shoulder.
“Everypony, please… please give Twilight some room,” Celestia hiccuped. “Twilight… please…”
Twilight nodded and began to read. “'Dear Twilight, if my calculations are correct you shall receive this letter 4 hours after you and your friends defeated Tirek. I hope, in that time, you have freed the princesses, rescued Shining Armor, and located Chrysalis and Sunset Shimmer. I also hope you forgive Discord… he was taken in by lies and I hope you can forgive him’.” Discord sniffed, grabbing Luna’s hair and using it as a hanky. “’By now I imagine Chrysalis told you of my battle with Tirek. Please let me assure you that I am… alive and well’.”
“Thank the maker,” Shining whispered in relief.
Twilight continued. “’I have been living happily and quietly these past eight months in the year 535 AD. The magical blast that...’ 535! September 535!”
The Pony Express carrier, who’d been listening in, blinked in surprise as the ponies began to celebrate, their tears and mourning instantly forgotten with that news. “Whoa! Wait, princess! What's this all about?”
“He’s alive!” Luna screamed in joy.
“Tydal’s alive!” Chrysalis yelled to the heavens.
Sunset nodded, a huge grin on her face. “He’s trapped in Old Equestria but he’s alive!”
The entire group began to rush towards the door, leaving the confused mail carrier standing by the thrones in their wake. “Wait a minute, princess. You need help?”
Twilight turned, glancing at her friends, family, and mentors before shaking her head, a grin on her face.
“There is only one stallion that can help us now.”
~MC~MC~MC~
KNOCK KNOCK!
“I’ll get it, Derpy!” Throwing up the door of his TARDIS the Doctor blinked at the sight of Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Spike, Celestia, Luna, Discord, Shining Armor, Cadence, Chrysalis, and Sunset all standing before him, watching him rather intently. “Uh… “
“By royal decree,” Celestia stated firmly, “we need you, the Doctor of Gallopfrey, to give us use of your TARDIS so that we might bring Lord Tydal back… to the future.”
“…great wickering stallions,” the Doctor said before passing out.
