"I"m so glad you ponies invited me to join your Pet Club!"
Applejack gave Queen Merida a weak smile. She, along with Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, were standing with the sea goddess in the middle of the Ponyville Park, watching as their animals played with each other. It was a bright and sunny day, with only a few clouds in the sky (which were, if you squinted just right, in the shape of those two old man muppets) and everyone in Ponyville was out enjoying the warm day. "Of course, darlin'... and you bein' here ain't have nothing ta do with the fact that ya'll capricorns are thinking about killin' all of us."
"Good, because there is no 'think' about it," Merida said, leaning down to pet Applejack's down Wynonna. "My husband was very clear on how we are supposed to deal with all of you." The queen let out a laugh. "Wait till you see how we desecrate Cloudsdale!" She smiled, scratching Wynonna behind the ears. "Wait till you see it, wait till you see it!" she cooed.
"Er... ok," Rainbow Dash said slowly. "So... I've never seen something like... your pet."
Merida beamed. "He is Tydal's." She picked up the golden lobster and gave him a hug. "We call him Mr. Snippy."
"Isn't he the lobster that castrated all those stallions?" Pinkie Pie asked, tossing Gummy up in the air and catching him.
"To be fair he also castrated some mares." Merida looked at the girls and grinned. "You want to see how?"
"NO!" They all shouted.
Mr Snippy looked at them, his eyes shining with tears as he clicked his claws together.
"Well... maybe we could see it done once..." Fluttershy said. "But only on a stallion because they are gross and their junk is gross and I am not at all in love with Twilight."
"But who should we use?" Rainbow asked.
"Excuse me, wealthy pony coming through," Filthy Rich said, nose stuck up in the air as he trotted by. He bumped into Merida and continued on, not even bothering to apologize.
Mr. Snippy looked up at Merida and she smiled. "May the force be with you."
The lobster happily clicked his claws.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 12: Safe Drop
~A couple decades ago...~
"Look at him, Honey," Night Light said, waving his hoof in front of his newborn son's face. "He is just so beautiful."
"That he is," Twilight Velvet said gently, cradling the precious foal. "Perfect in every way."
"Actually, he isn't," the Doctor Nick 'n Tuck said sadly, stepping into the room. "Hi everypony."
"Hi Doctor Nick!"
"I am afraid I have bad news."
"Bad news? Is it bad?" Night Light asked.
"...yes. I am afraid your son was born with a stick up his rear."
"No... no!" Velvet cried in horror. "You're lying!"
"I wish I was, Miss. I wish I was. But I am afraid that stick is lodged firmly in his sphincter."
"You cheated on me, didn't you?" Night light screamed. "No child of mine would have a stick up his butt!"
Doctor Nick motioned for them to settle down. "Don't worry, there is hope! If Shining is mocked, routinely and repeatedly, the stick may become dislodged."
"You... you don't want us to mock him, do you?" Velvet asked.
"Oh no," the doctor laughed. "You will be too busy dealing with the fact that his future sibling will overshadow him. We had a volunteer to do the mocking."
"'sup?" Tydal asked, trotting into the room.
"That didn't happen."
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal frowned. "Yes it did."
"How?" Shining complained. Tau Sunflare, Chrysalis, Luna and Celestia were all looking at him, while Cadence was amusing herself with a pinwheel (don’t ask where she got it). "You were a statue when I was born!"
"I think I know my own life, Shining," Tydal stated.
Tau Sunflare reached over and smooshed Cadence's cheeks together. "Well, that was... strange. And how is my little Beyonce Kickass?"
"Good!" Cadence managed to get out through her squished mouth. "I'm on three sex offender registeries!"
Tau glanced at Shining. "Why would she-"
"She thinks it’s like having a wedding registry."
"I could use a new toaster!" Cadence said happily. "But don't buy it from a school... the government ponies say I'm not allowed within 500 feet of a school."
Tau gave Celestia a cold look. "So... what the hell did you do to the sweet little foal I gave you-"
"Who was supposed to be a replacement for me!" Luna grumped.
"-that made her into this?"
"I'm not a 'this'!" Cadence complained. "I am an alicorn and a princess and a nympho and a potential rapist (depending on your definition of the word "Stop it, stop it, that doesn't go in there Cadence!") and a babysitter and...”
Celestia glared back at her mother. "Hey! It’s not like I have a lot of experience with babies! You didn't leave me an instruction manual or anything, so I had to figure this all out myself..."
~20 some odd years ago...~
Celestia looked down at the little pink foal her mother had left/abandoned. The little filly, known as Beyonce Kickass according to their mother, was gumming her hoof happily, babbling to herself.
"... I'm gonna call you Cadence." The baby just blinked at her. "You like cheesecake?"
Cadence promptly fell over.
Celestia lifted Cadence up, the pink alicorn blinking and flapping her wings. "Alright, so let’s set some ground rules." Celestia trotted back into the castle, Cadence hanging just to the right of her head. The foal had given up gumming her hoof and was now trying to grab Celestia's mane. "Day and night must last roughly the same time. You are not allowed to grow fangs. When I am watching my soap operas you are to only interrupt if a better soap opera is on. Understand?"
"Sqeee?" Cadence cooed.
"Good, I am glad we have an agreement." Celestia opened the door to her study and set Cadence down on the table. The foal looked about, blinking her big, colorful eyes at all the new shiny things in front of her, a smile blooming on her face. "Philomena!"
\You bellowed?\ the phoenix said dryly, gliding over and setting down near the newest arrival. \While I appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid I can't eat this baby; I'm on a diet\
Celestia frowned. "I didn't bring her for you to eat."
\...you really shouldn't eat her. She is all fatty.\ The phoenix nudged Cadence, earning a giggle from the foal. \See? Nothing but empty calories. Now, some baby carrots? That might-\
"She isn't for eating," Celestia said in annoyance. "My mother left her with me... she said she is my replacement goldfish for Luna."
\Is this one going to go insane too?\ The phoenix laughed. \What am I saying... look at the family!\
"I am not insane," Celestia said with a dainty sniff, ignoring the insults of the immortal firebird that she could only understand.
Her guards, Wall Breaker the 3rd and Sharp Slash, sent each other a look. Breaker lifted up his hoof and made the international sign for 'crazy', earning a snort of laughter from his partner.
\So you're mother dumped her on ya, huh?\ Philomena inspected Cadence carefully, sticking her wing out when the foal made to grab a beaker Celestia had left out. \The fire station closes at five.\
"What does that have to do with anything?" Celestia asked.
The fire bird shrugged. \Well, you can only Safe Drop her during business hours.\
"I am not going to safe drop my niece."
\Sister,\ Philomena reminded her.
Celestia shook her head. "Nah, I think I'll call her my niece... that way when Luna comes back-"
\Swearing bloody vengeance upon you\
"-she won't be jealous."
\Isn't being jealous kinda Nightmare Moon's thing?\
"If you have a grease fire do you dump gasoline on it?"
\Point taken,\ Philomena conceded. \And speaking of fires, let's get a move on to that fire station!\
"Again, not safe dropping my niece." Celestia turned away from Cadence and Philomena and rummaged through her bookcase. "You act like I've never raised a foal before... are you forgetting about my kids... and grandkids?"
Philomena snorted. \The maids raised them, not you. You'll be lucky if they recognize you as family\
"And that's why I want to try my hoof at raising Cadence," Celestia said. "Now let me find that book on foal-rearing."
"She's going to rearend the foal!" Sharp Slash hissed.
"Hilariously derailing one-liner," Wall Breaker stated (feel free to insert your own joke, kids!)
\The fire station closes at 5\
"I AM NOT SAFE DROPPING HER!" Celestia shouted.
\I meant we should call them, since she just set your tail on fire.\
Celestia looked over at Cadence, who was holding a lit bunsen burner, watching in glee as Celestia's tail began to smoke.
"OOOO!" the baby cooed.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Celestia ran about the library, the thrashing of her tail only causing it to burn hotter. The solar goddess reached over and grabbed a bucket, splashing it all over her tail.
It was then that she noticed it was labeled GASOLINE.
"And we just had this conversa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"Squee!" Cadence laughed, clapping her hooves as Celestia burst into flames.
\Not as fun as it looks, huh!\ Philamena said, floating over and using her magic to dose the flames. The ruler of Equestria blinked her blackened eyes, wondering what had happened.
FRRRREEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF!
Sharp Slash and Wall Breaker grimaced, lowering their fire extinguishers. Celestia merely looked at them all before shaking the foam from her body.
\Maybe we should Safe Drop YOU at the fire station,\ Philomena said.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What is with this family and trying to kill each other?" Luna asked.
"What indeed?" Celestia asked, giving Luna a cool stare. The moon goddess blushed.
"Well, this has been fun," Tau said, flapping her wings "But I need to go and hit the craps table at Los Pegasus-"
"Mother, there is one last thing," Tydal said.
"Yes?" Tau said.
"Shining Armor is a part of this family now... it is time he be elevated to godhood."
"What?!?" Shining said in shock.
"What?!?!" the alicorns sisters exclaimed.
Chrysalis leaned toward Cadence. "If this were a bad fanfic, there would be a big TO BE CONTINUED at this point."
"This isn't a bad fan fic?" Cadence said in surprise.
TO BE WRAPPED UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER...
Oh you sly dog you. But in all honesty why shouldn't Shining Armor be a god? Or is that just it, he's too sane to be a god?
Hilarious as always, not least for the registry joke.
Sweet. GIve us more tomorrow, okay?
YEAH!!! GO SHINY
2536342
She trills/sings... Celestia just understands her while no one else can.
I see Philomena as being like a snarker Spike and she is just fun to write.
Godhood for Shining? Aww yeah.
Huzza, an update! just what I needed today.
I can so see her not doing it... The only thing that would really throw me for a loop would be to DO it but make him like a minor god or something of waffles or something wierd like that.
MAKE SHINING THE GOD OF WAFFLES!!! pft..
hmmm, Shining being the first male alicorn? Would he be the god of Sanity (and then he would spend his life having to counter Discord. and Tydal.... actually he'd have to deal with all of them for eternity; that sounds horrible)
2536650 Well considering his name... God Of Shininess.
Once again, Tydal is worse than Discord. Heck, the last chapter DEMONSTRATED that. That's a sadistic comedy universe for ya.
Edit: Sorry I keep being a stick-in-the-mud about that, by the way. The rest is funny, but the fact that one of the supposed 'good guys' is an unrepentant psycho murderer just bugs the hell out of me. And you can say 'he's a real softy when he isn't angry' or how he was a surrogate father to Luna and Tia all you like, but the fact remains that when he IS angry, he vows to brutally murder everyone Luna and Tia care about who aren't members of his own immediate family. And no one calls him out on this to any appreciable degree.
Additional Edit: That goes for the entire capricorn race, too, because while you've written about the virtues of their ways and culture which extend beyond their enjoyment of a good fight, that only serves to highlight the fact that they're willing to throw away every redeemable facet of their people at the first opportunity. If they genuinely stood for the code they claim to live by, then any true follower of Tydal, upon hearing about the Doomsday plan, would best serve him by telling him where to stick it.
There, I think I'm done now...
I thank you for your inspiration. Now, I am ready to write my own, non-MLP crackfic.
oh well. at least he will indeed be the 'god of sanity'.
well that and now Tydal can torture him for all eternity.
MOER SNARKY PHEONIX! More I say! Please
Maybe we will now have a sane god.
It's about freaking time! i've been waiting for this since you mentioned it in season one!
I honestly hope not, I never liked Shining Armor, but that's my own option, I say let him die and mortal death and Cadence live as a true Goddess should for a few centruies Nonetheless, this made me laugh so hard I started coughing, I bucking loved it, it's funny as hell, as....Philomena is a complete smartass, she's my favorite
First off, sorry for taking up more comment-space about this, but I was in a really finicky mood yesterday and I had something of an epiphany last night that should help clarify WHY it all bugs me so much.
See, I get that it's a spoof, so everyone's character flaws are exaggerated for comedic contrast against canon (or common fanon). I loved "The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo", so apparently it isn't that. I think it's because, for Tydal and the capricorns, we don't really have anything to contrast them against. Other characters, we can have a laugh and think, "It's all in good fun because they wouldn't really act like that," but aside from... what, the last chapter of "How Do You Shoot a Gun With Hooves"? The bulk of the characterization for Tydal, his family and species as a whole is this series, where the very nature of the story compels them to behave at their worst. There's no Alternate Character Interpretation buffer because this is THE character interpretation that we've been presented with. As a result, when they do horrible things, it isn't as a spoof with their flaws writ large, it's just them being themselves.
By this standard, their "noble warrior and protector" side isn't visible as their true nature, to be played with for the sake of comedy. Instead, the psychotic murder-junkie side is at the forefront, and everything good about them comes across as just a pretension. A paper-thin mask that they chuck in the trash the instant they're given an excuse to just let loose, ignore everything that they claim to stand for, and slaughter everything in sight. That isn't funny to me, it's just evil. And as bad as I think Tydal is about that, his family and followers are even worse because they haven't even gotten any of his characterization.
So, that should really be it this time. I've said my peace, and since I appear to be in the minority about this, I'll seriously try to stop harping on it. I just hope that my point of view is understandable.
2541649
Hit on the head what I was thinking. They became more bad OC-ish when they they just went "LOL, Time to murder things, so funny ahaha"
Nevertheless this is still a pretty great story, carry on
2536650
2542062HAIL SHINNING ARMOR,GOD OFWAFFLES!!!!
aren't the capricorns doomed to failure they may be a warrior race but the ponies have the elements of harmony....it's kinda hard to see them as a threat
also how would the capricorns get to cloudsdale....and wouldn't the Pegasus have the advantage even if they did
This chapter was funny as always. Still, I enjoyed the opening with the pet day more than the rest of the chapter. It needs a bit more action, I think?
2542657
that are only challenges for the entire race, not any reasons to stop. I guess the Capricorns would go on fighting until they die in such an event.
2543127 thats why I said their doomed to fail
2543149
Well, are they? Yes, there are that much more ponies in Equestria and enough other races too. But which of them is really strengthening their defenses? The opposite is more true: Why need an army? We have the royal guard and the Elements of Harmony. They will protect us.
This kind of thinking will cause some serious damage on both casualities and morale. And the Capricorns would never stop until they are either dead themselves or finished with destroying all of Equestria.
If the ponies react fast enough, then yes, I agree with you completely. But a few weeks too late and the Capricorns stand a good chance of wreaking so much havoc that Dischord will be jealous.
2541649
...wow, you are really analyzing this. I could see such analyzize if this were a drama... but I think at the point that I introduced Fluttershy trying to hump Twilight all the normal rules of non-parody went out the window.
Not asking for a long debate on this... just telling you that while I am glad you are thinking about my stories... don't overthink that it ruins things.
Also, who said that once the capricorns killed them they wouldn't bring them back to life, wag their hooves at them, and tell them to be good?
Edit: Not being insulting, so if it comes off that way, I apologize. I just think you can't take any of this seriously.
2544649 I know, I know... I dwell on things. I just enjoy comedies more when I like the people (or creatures) I'm watching. Like hanging out with good friends, instead of thinking about how the world would be better off without them.
Thanks for putting up with my rant, at least. I guess I was in a mood yesterday.
2536529>>2536335>>2538514>>2536650>>2538924>>2536682>>2540595>>2542574
1,000 bits says that Tau Sunflare will reject Tydal's petition to Alicornize Shiny, mainly because she's too busy playing around, getting a tan, etc.
2545578 Thats the exact reason I think she will. because we all have this insane feeling that she won;'t. Then again we said imortalize him not alicorn him so she might very well just say ok. then say he;s immortal and leave him the way he is just not able to die.
2542574
I can just see everyones reaction when ever someone says that!
You're?
I love you so much right now... hey, it's only weird if you make it weird
And now snarky Philomena is my headcanon. Wonder what Shining Armor will be god of'?
2537315
2541649 (Slow claps respectfully) That... is a brilliant piece of analysis. Like Defender said, it is best not to over think things , but still, 10/10.
I think the big issue, were we talking characterization as it applies to overthinking, is Loyalty, both for Tydal and the Capricorns. It may be a virtue for them, but it's also their greatest flaw. Tydal is willing to commit genocide because someone made Celly and LuLu cry. His subjects, wife, and children, on the other hand, have a Loyalty to him which runs hard into fanaticism(note their tendency to try to make him act kingly), such that they're unable to realize how he probably meant the whole thing as a joke to let off steam.
All my yes.
I love this bird!
Nightmare Moon.
BEST PONY!
Aww, I was hoping for some embarrassing little Chryssie stories.