"I"m so glad you ponies invited me to join your Pet Club!"
Applejack gave Queen Merida a weak smile. She, along with Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, were standing with the sea goddess in the middle of the Ponyville Park, watching as their animals played with each other. It was a bright and sunny day, with only a few clouds in the sky (which were, if you squinted just right, in the shape of those two old man muppets) and everyone in Ponyville was out enjoying the warm day. "Of course, darlin'... and you bein' here ain't have nothing ta do with the fact that ya'll capricorns are thinking about killin' all of us."
"Good, because there is no 'think' about it," Merida said, leaning down to pet Applejack's down Wynonna. "My husband was very clear on how we are supposed to deal with all of you." The queen let out a laugh. "Wait till you see how we desecrate Cloudsdale!" She smiled, scratching Wynonna behind the ears. "Wait till you see it, wait till you see it!" she cooed.
"Er... ok," Rainbow Dash said slowly. "So... I've never seen something like... your pet."
Merida beamed. "He is Tydal's." She picked up the golden lobster and gave him a hug. "We call him Mr. Snippy."
"Isn't he the lobster that castrated all those stallions?" Pinkie Pie asked, tossing Gummy up in the air and catching him.
"To be fair he also castrated some mares." Merida looked at the girls and grinned. "You want to see how?"
"NO!" They all shouted.
Mr Snippy looked at them, his eyes shining with tears as he clicked his claws together.
"Well... maybe we could see it done once..." Fluttershy said. "But only on a stallion because they are gross and their junk is gross and I am not at all in love with Twilight."
"But who should we use?" Rainbow asked.
"Excuse me, wealthy pony coming through," Filthy Rich said, nose stuck up in the air as he trotted by. He bumped into Merida and continued on, not even bothering to apologize.
Mr. Snippy looked up at Merida and she smiled. "May the force be with you."
The lobster happily clicked his claws.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 12: Safe Drop
~A couple decades ago...~
"Look at him, Honey," Night Light said, waving his hoof in front of his newborn son's face. "He is just so beautiful."
"That he is," Twilight Velvet said gently, cradling the precious foal. "Perfect in every way."
"Actually, he isn't," the Doctor Nick 'n Tuck said sadly, stepping into the room. "Hi everypony."
"Hi Doctor Nick!"
"I am afraid I have bad news."
"Bad news? Is it bad?" Night Light asked.
"...yes. I am afraid your son was born with a stick up his rear."
"No... no!" Velvet cried in horror. "You're lying!"
"I wish I was, Miss. I wish I was. But I am afraid that stick is lodged firmly in his sphincter."
"You cheated on me, didn't you?" Night light screamed. "No child of mine would have a stick up his butt!"
Doctor Nick motioned for them to settle down. "Don't worry, there is hope! If Shining is mocked, routinely and repeatedly, the stick may become dislodged."
"You... you don't want us to mock him, do you?" Velvet asked.
"Oh no," the doctor laughed. "You will be too busy dealing with the fact that his future sibling will overshadow him. We had a volunteer to do the mocking."
"'sup?" Tydal asked, trotting into the room.
"That didn't happen."
~MC~MC~MC~
Tydal frowned. "Yes it did."
"How?" Shining complained. Tau Sunflare, Chrysalis, Luna and Celestia were all looking at him, while Cadence was amusing herself with a pinwheel (don’t ask where she got it). "You were a statue when I was born!"
"I think I know my own life, Shining," Tydal stated.
Tau Sunflare reached over and smooshed Cadence's cheeks together. "Well, that was... strange. And how is my little Beyonce Kickass?"
"Good!" Cadence managed to get out through her squished mouth. "I'm on three sex offender registeries!"
Tau glanced at Shining. "Why would she-"
"She thinks it’s like having a wedding registry."
"I could use a new toaster!" Cadence said happily. "But don't buy it from a school... the government ponies say I'm not allowed within 500 feet of a school."
Tau gave Celestia a cold look. "So... what the hell did you do to the sweet little foal I gave you-"
"Who was supposed to be a replacement for me!" Luna grumped.
"-that made her into this?"
"I'm not a 'this'!" Cadence complained. "I am an alicorn and a princess and a nympho and a potential rapist (depending on your definition of the word "Stop it, stop it, that doesn't go in there Cadence!") and a babysitter and...”
Celestia glared back at her mother. "Hey! It’s not like I have a lot of experience with babies! You didn't leave me an instruction manual or anything, so I had to figure this all out myself..."
~20 some odd years ago...~
Celestia looked down at the little pink foal her mother had left/abandoned. The little filly, known as Beyonce Kickass according to their mother, was gumming her hoof happily, babbling to herself.
"... I'm gonna call you Cadence." The baby just blinked at her. "You like cheesecake?"
Cadence promptly fell over.
Celestia lifted Cadence up, the pink alicorn blinking and flapping her wings. "Alright, so let’s set some ground rules." Celestia trotted back into the castle, Cadence hanging just to the right of her head. The foal had given up gumming her hoof and was now trying to grab Celestia's mane. "Day and night must last roughly the same time. You are not allowed to grow fangs. When I am watching my soap operas you are to only interrupt if a better soap opera is on. Understand?"
"Sqeee?" Cadence cooed.
"Good, I am glad we have an agreement." Celestia opened the door to her study and set Cadence down on the table. The foal looked about, blinking her big, colorful eyes at all the new shiny things in front of her, a smile blooming on her face. "Philomena!"
\You bellowed?\ the phoenix said dryly, gliding over and setting down near the newest arrival. \While I appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid I can't eat this baby; I'm on a diet\
Celestia frowned. "I didn't bring her for you to eat."
\...you really shouldn't eat her. She is all fatty.\ The phoenix nudged Cadence, earning a giggle from the foal. \See? Nothing but empty calories. Now, some baby carrots? That might-\
"She isn't for eating," Celestia said in annoyance. "My mother left her with me... she said she is my replacement goldfish for Luna."
\Is this one going to go insane too?\ The phoenix laughed. \What am I saying... look at the family!\
"I am not insane," Celestia said with a dainty sniff, ignoring the insults of the immortal firebird that she could only understand.
Her guards, Wall Breaker the 3rd and Sharp Slash, sent each other a look. Breaker lifted up his hoof and made the international sign for 'crazy', earning a snort of laughter from his partner.
\So you're mother dumped her on ya, huh?\ Philomena inspected Cadence carefully, sticking her wing out when the foal made to grab a beaker Celestia had left out. \The fire station closes at five.\
"What does that have to do with anything?" Celestia asked.
The fire bird shrugged. \Well, you can only Safe Drop her during business hours.\
"I am not going to safe drop my niece."
\Sister,\ Philomena reminded her.
Celestia shook her head. "Nah, I think I'll call her my niece... that way when Luna comes back-"
\Swearing bloody vengeance upon you\
"-she won't be jealous."
\Isn't being jealous kinda Nightmare Moon's thing?\
"If you have a grease fire do you dump gasoline on it?"
\Point taken,\ Philomena conceded. \And speaking of fires, let's get a move on to that fire station!\
"Again, not safe dropping my niece." Celestia turned away from Cadence and Philomena and rummaged through her bookcase. "You act like I've never raised a foal before... are you forgetting about my kids... and grandkids?"
Philomena snorted. \The maids raised them, not you. You'll be lucky if they recognize you as family\
"And that's why I want to try my hoof at raising Cadence," Celestia said. "Now let me find that book on foal-rearing."
"She's going to rearend the foal!" Sharp Slash hissed.
"Hilariously derailing one-liner," Wall Breaker stated (feel free to insert your own joke, kids!)
\The fire station closes at 5\
"I AM NOT SAFE DROPPING HER!" Celestia shouted.
\I meant we should call them, since she just set your tail on fire.\
Celestia looked over at Cadence, who was holding a lit bunsen burner, watching in glee as Celestia's tail began to smoke.
"OOOO!" the baby cooed.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Celestia ran about the library, the thrashing of her tail only causing it to burn hotter. The solar goddess reached over and grabbed a bucket, splashing it all over her tail.
It was then that she noticed it was labeled GASOLINE.
"And we just had this conversa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
"Squee!" Cadence laughed, clapping her hooves as Celestia burst into flames.
\Not as fun as it looks, huh!\ Philamena said, floating over and using her magic to dose the flames. The ruler of Equestria blinked her blackened eyes, wondering what had happened.
FRRRREEEEEEFFFFFFFFFF!
Sharp Slash and Wall Breaker grimaced, lowering their fire extinguishers. Celestia merely looked at them all before shaking the foam from her body.
\Maybe we should Safe Drop YOU at the fire station,\ Philomena said.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What is with this family and trying to kill each other?" Luna asked.
"What indeed?" Celestia asked, giving Luna a cool stare. The moon goddess blushed.
"Well, this has been fun," Tau said, flapping her wings "But I need to go and hit the craps table at Los Pegasus-"
"Mother, there is one last thing," Tydal said.
"Yes?" Tau said.
"Shining Armor is a part of this family now... it is time he be elevated to godhood."
"What?!?" Shining said in shock.
"What?!?!" the alicorns sisters exclaimed.
Chrysalis leaned toward Cadence. "If this were a bad fanfic, there would be a big TO BE CONTINUED at this point."
"This isn't a bad fan fic?" Cadence said in surprise.
TO BE WRAPPED UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER...