All For A Gallon Of Cream Cheese

by TheFullCrumb

3 - 300 Ways Of Flying

The cart slowly rolled to a stop at the foot of a mountain, Rainbow Dash fast asleep on Ghost's lap as he stretched.

“Well, that certainly took quite a while. Hey, pink pony. Wake up!” He turned around to find that the pink pony was nowhere to be found. “Does she always do that?” Rainbow Dash yawned as she stirred from her sleep. She glanced up at Ghost before suddenly bolting up straight, her face completely red. Ghost started chuckling, then fell off the cart from laughing so hard.

“H-Hey! Don't laugh!”

“I made a pony blush! Wa ha ha ha!” He eventually sat up, clearing tears of mirth from his eyes.

“It's not funny!”

“What made you so embarrassed anyways-” Ghost stared down at his legs, realizing that he had no pants on, once again. He smiled, pulling off his shirt to remove anything else that could be removed by hapless harnesses. “That works. Let's get going.” He picked up the harness, pulling slowly so as to not hurt himself again. The cart began to roll slowly. Ghost stared down at the ground, realizing almost too late that he was dragging the cart down an incline. “You may want to start flying!” As the cart began to roll again, Ghost hopped back on, smiling and laughing as the cart returned to its normal land speed record, set, strangely, by the enormous cannon that should not have existed.

“Whoa! What did you do?” Rainbow Dash was flying beside the cart as it continued to speed up.

“Just started pulling. Didn't see it was on an incline, and a simple push would have sufficed. Wahoo!” He cheered into the wind that rushed through his hair as the cart continued to move. “You do realize that this thing is still tied to me, right? I can't leave it even if I wanted to.” Rainbow Dash stared at Ghost, her face turning red again. “Why are you even blushing? I don't get it at all.”

“You're the first person to ever keep up with me... speed-wise. That makes you-” She sat down beside him, cheering as well. “-the coolest... uh, what are you?”

“I'm a human. We call each other 'person', usually, if you don't know someone's name.” Rainbow Dash laughed at that.

“Well, you're the coolest person ever, Ghost! At least 20% cooler!” The cart flew off of a large bump, soaring over a large section of the road. Still laughing, Rainbow Dash and Ghost continued on the path to Fillydelphia.

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About two hours later, the cart stopped at the top of a tall hill, with a town at the bottom. It was a fairly large town, and Ghost thought he could spot a train station from where he sat.

“If we can get down there, and get on the train with my boxes, we could get to Fillydelphia faster!” Almost as if on cue, the pink pony was back, immediately in Ghost's face.

“You want to use the train? Why would you want to use something so boring? I've got my cannon, with some brand-spanking-new improvements!” The cannon was beside the cart, its shadow towering over Ghost. He gulped until he saw what she meant.

“Those are rails, aren't they? Why are they there?”

“Silly! Those are for the cart! You sit down on it, and get launched even faster!”

“What about the laws of physics?! Take those into account!” Ghost was sweating from fear of being shot out of the cannon again, staring up at the rails.

“What are those? Anyways, it's incredibly safe! I even brought you a crash helmet!” The pink pony slammed a football helmet down on Ghost's head.

“Uh, okay. I feel slightly safer. But why is the train boring?” The pink pony got back up in Ghost's face, smiling.

“Because it does not go to Fillydelphia! The only way there by train is from Canterlot! However, my cannon can send you flying at super speed this time! You might even break the sound barrier!” Ghost froze, the fresh memory of flying off of a cliff coming to the forefront.

“Are there any cliffs between Fillydelphia and us? I mean, I don't want to go flying again. No offense, Dash.” Rainbow Dash nodded, smiling at her new human friend.

“None taken.”

“No, silly! It's incredibly flat from here to there, with barely any dips! It's perfect for a cannon ride!” Pinkie was positively bouncing with joy as she hopped around the cart, eliciting a groan from Ghost as he could tell what was coming next.

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“Strapped in? Check. Crash helmet? Check. Complimentary peanuts and drinks? Sorry, I don't supply those.” Pinkie had a radio headset on, talking through loudspeakers installed throughout the cannon. “Please be aware of the rocket boosters I attached to the back of the cart. Your acceleration will send you rocketing forwards at a higher speed when assisted by the cannon's blast. The blast of the cannon may or may not level a nearby forest, but that means free lumber for the nearby town.” Ghost sat still, staring at the back of the cart.

“What?”

“Okay! We're ready to launch! Hold onto your hats, fillies and gentlecolts, we're about to blast off!” The cannon aimed high into the sky, the cart locking into place. “Counting dow. n.” As Pinkie counted down from ten, Ghost began to panic, badly.

“What was that about-” The cart launched out, the cannon blast sending the cart, and Ghost, careening across the sky. “-rocket boosters?! Pinkie!” His screams echoed out as he soared, wings unfolding from the sides of the cart with the boosters firing up. A control stick popped up in front of him. Not even questioning how that was even possible, he gripped the stick tightly, gritting his teeth. “Oh, this can't end well, at all.” The cart bucked and dived as Ghost attempted to learn how the stick operated, eventually working out a rudimentary understanding. He was about to scream in happiness at flying when a figure beside him nearly scared him off the side. Pinkie was sitting beside him, wearing a suit and tie of all things.

“Thank you for flying Air Pinkie. We hope you enjoy the trip. By the way, Fillydelphia is still a far ways away.” Ghost let go of the stick for one moment, moving to strangle the pink pony, before it started to nosedive, heading directly for a steam train just pulling into the station.

“Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!” Ghost screamed as the cart-plane dived faster and faster. As the ground came rushing up to meet him, the cart started moving properly on its own. Looking around, Ghost stared at Rainbow Dash, who was smiling at him from the air.

“Well, looks like you could use some flying lessons, Ghost! Luckily, I'm the best flier in all of Equestria.” Ghost smacked his face, staring at the cart.

“Well, we're doomed.” He watched the ground, staring at the trees go by. “I don't think I want flying lessons, especially when this is a plane, not wings.” He gripped the stick once more, trying to steer around Rainbow Dash, but she kept zipping around, staying in front. “Rainbow, you're cool and all, but I don't want to hit you! And trust me when I say this: Nothing gets between me and my cream cheese. I don't care if I have to survive an apocalypse to get it, I will!” He dived the plane, coming up behind the now dumb-struck pony. Before she could say anything, she watched the plane head off into the distance. Shouting out so Ghost could hear, she gave him some advice.

“You're going the wrong way!” Ghost turned the plane around, returning to where he was with Rainbow. A slight red tinge of embarrassment touched his cheeks.

“All right. I need a navigator.” Dark clouds began to circle the plane as it started facing the right direction. Rainbow sat down, visible shivers running through her. Ghost motioned for her to take over as he stood up. “As I said, an apocalypse won't stop me in my quest for cream cheese! Nothing will stop me-” A large unicorn's face, complete with evil tinges, vampire teeth, and metal armour, stared at him from the clouds.

“You trespass into my domain, intruder? You will die-” Ghost's hand, clenched tightly into a fist, had slammed squarely into the unicorn's forehead.

“Get out of the way! I mean it, unless you want to get, uh, your flank beat!” He turned to Pinkie, who was staring at the dark unicorn. “I did get the anatomy right, correct?” Pinkie nodded, staring at the unicorn. Rainbow was the first to speak about who he was.

“That's King Sombre! He ruled the Crystal Empire with an iron hoof as a dictator years ago.” Ghost smiled, then laughed. He faced Sombre, a huge grin crossing his face. His hand balled up into a fist again, slamming it squarely, again, into Sombre's forehead.

“Then I just have to beat him down, like I planned if I ever met a Robo-Stalin, or a Stalin clone, or any dictator that died and came back to life in a weird way!” His fist slammed repeatedly into Sombre's face, a dent beginning to grow in the irritated unicorn's face.

“Enough! I will cast you from this land if you persist-” Ghost refrained from punching, spinning around and landing his foot, accidentally, in Sombre's eye. “Sweet mother of Celestia?! Why would you do that!? That's just plain rude!” He floated away, his eye streaming with tears. Pinkie stared at Ghost, who sat down. Rainbow smiled and began to laugh.

“That... was so... awesome! You kicked his flank all right!” Ghost rubbed his foot, a large red welt forming on the side.

“That will be the last time I ever consider taking on a partially corporeal boss-like enemy ever.” A piece of paper floated down, landing at his feet. He picked it up, reading slowly. “'Congratulations. You have defeated your first boss. You have been granted the ability 'Nerves Of Steel', which will allow you to resist pain more effectively.'” Almost immediately after he read it, the red welt disappeared from his foot. “Well, either I'm dreaming, or this whole thing just became a role-playing game. I don't like role-playing games. There's too much thought involved.” Ghost looked down at the ground, confusion crossing his face. “Just where are we?” Pinkie stared down, her eyes growing wide.

“We're in the Land of the 12-Sided Dice. Be warned, this whole area is ruled by a being who believes life is a role-playing game, and awards items and experience to good players.” Pinkie breathed, staring at Ghost.

“Did you just remember all that in a glance?” Pinkie pointed at a nearby sign.

“Read it off of that.”

“Right. So, now what?” A booming voice cut off the rest of Ghost's sentence.

“Welcome, travelers, to the realm of the 12-Sided Dice! If you wish to escape, you must advance to level 10 in experience points, and fight me inside Castle Ragnarok.” Ghost began to snicker, then full-on laugh. “What is so funny that you must laugh so?”

“'Castle Ragnarok?' Oh, you're just asking for it! I said not even an apocalypse would keep me from my quest to gain my precious cream cheese! Fillydelphia Cream Cheese to be exact!” The plane lost all power, coming in to land on top of a large mountain.

“Your boxes of 'Ne'er Go Bad Bagels' will be safe up here. You must fight me in my castle and win if you are to leave!” Ghost stared down at the land, watching various dice roll around.

“Pinkie, Dash, let's do this!” His two pony friends raised hooves as he raised his fist, another leg of their adventure continuing. “For cream cheese, and to never have to lay eyes on a 12-sided die ever again!”

Author's Note:

Well, now we get into the true quest. There are multiple lands that might be traversed. If people want to come up with the next land after the Land of the 12-Sided Dice, please put it in the comments below. I plan for SEVERAL!

So, anyways, please comment if you enjoyed, and please, leave constructive criticism if there was something lackluster.