1 - 500 Lbs Of Bagels
“Bring the truck closer!” A strange delivery truck, unmarked and marred by strange scorch marks, was parked in front of a rather ordinary apartment complex. Three undistinguished young men laid out boxes upon boxes on the ground in front of the building.
“Hey, what's going on? What are you doing?” The man that found the boxes now on the front doorstep stared at the lettering. Each box said “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels.” He questioned their very existence, as he had never even heard of such a company. “Where'd these even come from! I didn't order any bagels!” One of the labourers approached him, nodding.
“Mr. Ghost, I presume? We were told to deliver these and drop them right here, right in front of 153 Wales Street. That is this address. Sorry, but you can't change the minds of a shipping company.” The labourer turned away, but not before Ghost began to shout.
“What about cream cheese?!” The labourer turned around and stared.
“Excuse me sir?”
“Did that contract include cream cheese? You can't expect me to eat bagels without cream cheese! And none of that gooey garbage! Philadelphia Cream Cheese is what I want!” The labourer sighed, flipping through his shipping manifests. He stopped on one page, shaking his head and moving onto the next.
“Sorry, sir! No cream cheese. Just five hundred pounds of bagels!” The labourers sauntered back into the truck, driving off with a perplexed Ghost standing there staring at his new inventory of five hundred pounds of “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels.”
“Just what am I going to do with you?”
The boxes safely inside his apartment, Ghost silently cursed himself. He could have shared the bagels with other residents on the block, but most of them were out on holiday in different parts of the world. He sighed, sitting down at his computer. The old codger clunked as it started up, the hard-drive clicking and whirring as it read the operating system. A large “Windows Millennium Edition” logo appeared, splayed brightly across his monitor's screen.
“Stupid old operating system. Stupid old computer. When I get paid, I'm getting a new computer.” He continued to stare at the screen until it finished loading. Starting up his browser, he stared intently at his favourite site: the ordering page of the Philadelphia company. Scrolling down to a large tub, the gallon of cream cheese, he happily clicked the little bubble beside it. Almost as soon as he did, a message displayed, sending horror coursing through his mind. “'We no longer carry this product. Sorry for the inconvenience this might cause.'” He picked up his monitor, throwing it through a nearby window and into the back alley, smiling when he heard the loud crash of an old car husk in the alley having its windshield destroyed. He stared at his old computer. “You're going out too. Just like that piece of junk monitor.” He opened the computer, fishing out the hard-drive before tossing the computer itself through the broken window and into the alleyway. No crashing sound was heard. Ghost leaned carefully out the window to see a neighbour stare at the husk of a car in admiration.
“Why the police haven't called you out on this, Ghost, I'll never know! But don't wreck your computer!”
“The old codger's not going to last anyways! I'm getting a new computer this coming month!” Ghost pulled down his curtain, staring at the single light on his ceiling, dimly lighting the towers of bagel boxes he found himself with. “Well, that was perfectly stupid.”
“I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of cream cheese. We won't be getting any more until next month!” The sales representative was very brash with the dishevelled Ghost as the latter stared at the empty shelf in the dairy where, mere hours beforehand, Ghost had gotten a small tub of cream cheese for a neighbour who had hurt herself and needed something for toast.
“You had over four hundred tubs here, of varying flavours. How can they all be gone?!” Ghost was irritated enough that he felt like he could start shaking the sales representative violently.
“All I was told is that a large group of people came in with large carts, bought all of the cream cheese, and I mean all of it, then left. It's most peculiar- and he's left.” The swinging front doors of the grocery store signalled the running Ghost's path, as did the tipped over cabbage display, complete with crying vendor standing over it.
“No cream cheese, nowhere! I've checked every store within walking distance. The others I'd have to take the bus for, and I've got no change either!” Ghost sat down on an overturned garbage can, staring at the ground. “There's no way I can eat all of those bagels without cream cheese! I don't even have a toaster!” He stared up at the sky, stopping when a billboard above him caught his eye. “'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.' Isn't that the little girl's show that grown men watch? Huh. Maybe I'll ask Techie about it.” He stood up, brushed himself off, and started back to the apartment complex, where he knew Techie, the only other person in his complex not on holiday, would be waiting.
“No. Just no, Ghost. You know how illegal that sort of procedure is! What if you end up wrecking a universe doing so?!” Ghost sat down on an unopened computer parts box, staring at his technological friend.
“But Equestria's got to have cream cheese! There's none within walking distance! The grocery store even sold all four hundred tubs of their cream cheese! Within a few hours!” Techie stopped, staring at Ghost.
“Even strawberry flavoured?”
“Even strawberry flavoured. Look, are you going to do this or not, Techie? Your quantum tunnelling device is the only one in existence! I need to go to Equestria- hey, what's that?” Ghost's interest had suddenly been piqued by a bottle on its side, leaking out iced tea into a pipe but never seeming to run out.
“That's the Arizona Quantum Tea. It's iced tea that never runs out. Drink as much as you want, and it will always be full. It was an experiment with the prototype of the tunneller. I have to admit, even I got sick of endless iced tea.” Ghost was quick to snatch it up and pop the cap back on. “All right, Ghost. I'll help you. Just remember, you have to promise to bring me back a tub of strawberry flavoured cream cheese, okay? Make it a gallon one, and we should be good!” Techie left the room, only to wheel in an enormous mechanical wheel, wires snaking out of it towards various parts of the room.
“Just one thing. How will the Quantum Field affect me?”
“Won't do much. Only affects you, and whatever you have touched in the last seven or so hours.” Ghost gulped, staring at the wheel. Techie started it up, watching as energy built up in the wheel. “We're doing good! The field will be at full power soon!”
“Techie, is it a good idea to tell you that five hours ago, I brought five hundred pounds of bagels up to my apartment?”
“You what?” Techie attempted to shut it down, but something else was giving the Quantum Field power. A portal began to emerge as papers flitted around the room, flying without wind or reason. Some twisted into strange shapes, while others attacked Ghost and Techie. “Use the portal, now! It breaks reality to cross over, and our reality won't be able to fix itself until I shut it down, or until it burns out!” Ghost nodded, holding the never-ending iced tea close to himself.
“Well, as a great sky diver once said, 'Geronimo!'” Ghost took a few steps back, running headlong into the portal...
To arrive in a completely different place. The Quantum Tunneller had worked. All Ghost had to do now was place down the return pad, and he would be- Ghost looked around.
“You have got to be kidding me! I forgot the return pad?!”
Back on Earth, Techie was going ballistic.
“He forgot the pad, he forgot the pad! What do I do?!” He frantically began typing in equations on his computer, trying to re-activate a portal to Equestria for the return pad.
Ghost stared down at the creatures he had landed in the midst of. Multi-coloured ponies all stared straight at him, only to run screaming as boxes upon boxes of “Ne'er-Go-Bad Bagels” dropped from the sky, landing in their stacked behind Ghost.
“Ah, there they are. Five hundred pounds of bagels.” A strange pony with a dark purple mane, lavender coat, and a horn stared at him as the bagels finished landing. “Now, just a quick question. Does anyone, or any pony, here know where I can get a gallon bucket of cream cheese?”
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I read the title, and I instantly thought, "WHAT THE FUCK!" Let's see what the fuck this story is like.
Good Lord, what have you DONE?!
2197317
I have written a comedy fic that fits well with the RANDOM tag.
2197349 It does fit well, and I like it in an ironic way, but... WHY?!
2198531
Because there is nothing else to compare this story to. No other story has really, well, gone quite this route before.
Also, I don't write comedy all that much. This is really my first comedy fic.
2198639 Your first comedy? Dude, you're the next Dainel To- The next Seth MacF- The next Seth Gr- Look, you're the next popular comedian who's actually any good... I can't think of any.
Looks promising. And it made me laugh.
You've got my upvote and favourite.
Hey Acheron,
I could say so much about this story; it was nothing less than fantastic. This idea is simply hilarious, and the random thought to go to Equestria of all places to get cream cheese is utterly amusing. Ghost's feeling about the bagels, his computer, and virtually everything else are very amusing to observe as well.
I really like your style of humor; to me, it appears so random yet so enticing and funny at the same time. I also really like these kinds of stories that have those random elements in them that sometimes have no direction and other times have a certain direction that make no sense at all. In short, I love this story. I therefore give your story a like and favorite. And I also think you're a good author, so I'll be watching you as well.
One note: I don't understand the dislikes. Seriously, 7 people just read this story and gave it a thumbs down without even mentioning why they didn't care for it. I find nothing wrong with it at all...
Keep on writing; I'll be waiting.
SlipperPutty
2199792
Th-thank you! That is wonderful!
Slips was right! This is hilarious, fantastic, and fantastic. Well done.
MOAR!!! Another chapter, please!
2338969
I had a bit of an issue for a bit, mainly a hard drive almost failing on me. I have to retrieve my stories before I can continue. But do not worry, I will continue.
2339368 All right then, glad that you'll still be working on this. Looking forward to it!