Cosmonaut 0
Joined 22nd Nov, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Here are my emotions through this fic
Escalated rather quickly, no?
Aside from that still pretty hot.
It's interesting, to say the least. My only problem is that making them human is essentially completely pointless. Just change their names and it becomes just another lesbian sex story that I can find elsewhere from someone like Naylor or Miu. What I'm saying is: it's a pony fan-fic In-Name only. It also seems you started to write it like they were ponies but decided to change right after:
2055279
The Green Men are always relevant my friend. I really like that gif.
2055346 I just went and checked the story, and it clearly read:
Not to sound like a dick, but you may want to actually paste a quote from the story itself if you want to criticize it correctly.
2055305 I tried not to make it escalate too fast, but it seems I kind of failed a little at that. XD I'll try and make it a bit slower for my next story.
2055279 Thanks for the positive feedback! :D
2055298 I'm glad you felt as such, especially towards the end. XD
2055372
It's in the third paragraph, not the first. I'll concede that you may have gotten it mixed up.
2055404 Alright, thank you! I've corrected it. Sometimes I do get a little mixed up when I'm writing humanized stories.
Only real complaint is that you need to change paragraphs when the speaker changes.
2055468
Alright, thanks! I'll keep that in mind for my next story.
Did Vinyl plan this? Move in RIGHT next to Octavia, blare your music all week, while secretly testing a subwoofer for the right beat for just the right vibrations for an erotic feel to seduce just right for... that?
That clever DJ....
...
...
...
Stop it, Cosmo. We all know you're the original Cosmonaut! DO NOT LIE!
2055891
YOU FOUND ME OUT.
Well, it wasa just clop, but it was pretty good for just being clop :)
Needs a little grammar help, but very nicely done.
Okay. I would like to give you some constructive criticism because you seem to have potential, but this story is very rough around the edges. Since it is your first, it's to be expected, but I'd like to help you should you plan on writing more.
First, I get that this is just simple clop, but even if it's going to be just sex, at least make it more believable to the characters' personalities. Octavia seems far too willing to just roll with all of this, especially considering she was legitimately angry right before the sex started. Also, you state that they've been neighbors for no more than a week, but they seem like they've known each other for longer. In a case like this, it may not matter much, but it wouldn't hurt to at least hint at the fact that they've actually interacted previously if you're going to make them seem that friendly. Basically: don't rush into the sex too quickly (sexual tension always makes it sexier), stick to character personalities, and allow some semblance of a backstory so it makes sense.
Second, the sex just wasn't sexy enough/unrealistic. I'm going to assume you are either a) a guy b) have little to no sexual experience (with a female) or c) both. I'm not here to judge you, but if you are going to write smut, at least gather some information if you aren't sure of all the ins and outs of sex. I actually am a lesbian, and have had enough sexual experience to say that I would never be able to have an intense orgasm (or probably even one at all) from the way you were describing that scene. Try to use as many details as possible so the readers can understand what's actually going on. For example, towards the end you described Vinyl rubbing her "womanhood" on Octavia's. If Octavia is on a subwoofer, and Vinyl is rubbing against her, while they might get some pleasure, it wouldn't be enough to put them on edge. They would need to be in a "scissoring" position to attain this and even then it can be difficult, especially given their positions. Maybe the way you are envisioning all of this is different, but you need to make sure your readers understand what you're trying to tell them.
That's about it. You should clean up some grammar errors and try to not be so redundant with your wording. I came across quite a few lines of similar construction/wording that are just boring after hearing them enough times. A thesaurus always helps!
Sorry if any of that offended you; I just tend to be blunt.
Hope it helped! 
A little Rule 34?
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Thanks for the help! I appreciate it, and I'll take this into consideration with the next R34 story I do!
Such details on the neck licking.
I love it.
I'm hard now