distortedtruth92
Joined 7th Jul, 2012 ·
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- kenneth8112 · 4k words · 75 19 · 2.6k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yeah...
gallery.fanserviceftw.com/_images/55fe6a555955e5a7ca77c4b511402fa1/12523%20-%20bueno%20my_little_pony_friendship_is_magic%20parody%20rainbow_dash.jpg
Octavia had just put the two steaks on plates when she heard a key enter the front door. Octavia went over to it and unlocked the deadbolt to same her marefriend the trouble.
save*
2050747 thanks fixed
Well now.
Rapid Escalation.jpg
2050785 sorry if it seems rushed
2050790 Actually, I liked that. Straight to the point. No "beating around the bush" per say.
2050804 well it was a clopfic made for just that. clop
Second to last paragraph... extraneous quotation mark.
Sexy. me likey.
2050806 ihasaboner.jpg
chan.catiewayne.com/z/src/130831979143.jpg
Read it in his voice.
2050855 you win best comment so far
2050835 thanks for sharing
Before I read this I was all,
irlgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/FUCK-YEAH.jpg
and...
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/17398014.jpg
Signed,
Ambrosia M. Firehoof
"What d'you day about-" Was I could find. Otherwise, it's a good story.
2051000 thanks fixed
2050973 glad i could get you off... Wait what am i saying
2051018
I couldn't resist. T'was a good little bit of clop in my opinion. Brohoof to you my friend. /)*(\ Oh and indeed...what are you saying?
2051039 lol
Steak.... and p-p-ponies...
I wanted to point out an error for you. In the sentence, "As Octavia recovered..." You wrote final instead of Vinyl.
2051149 soy steak. completely vegetarian
2051186 Oh. I tried that once. I think I took one bite and fed the rest to my dog, then my dog threw it up.
2051151 thanks fixed
2051198 yeah it's nasty. gimme red meat
2051203 Medium rare every day!
2051207 30 seconds past moo
2051220
I like you
2051229 aww thank you but i'm taken. sorry
2051229
2051233
I could tell you were having issues writing clopfics, but hey this one managed to give me a boner so I say good job.
Should throw in a two-sided dildo in there just because I love...uhh...imagining them simultaneously screaming in bliss...
2070867 maybe next one. i'm thinking of doing this stuff as a side project to my main fic if i ever need a break from it
Expecter?
That aside, a good story for what I'm guessing was a first timer. With the little backstory we got at the begining there, I feel like this could have been longer, and filled with more... well filler content. But long stories are simply a preferance of mine. Good job and thumbs up.
2071231 thanks bud
It's not bad, but it's not good, either. The beginning is fine. It's fast, but that's okay. We already know the characters, bring on the clop! The rest however, is too fast paced. It reads like a standard industry porn video, where the actors have a list of constitutions to do, and spend 30 seconds on each.
Here are some technical problems.
You continually switch between passed tense and present tense, often within the same sentence. That's bad. Pick one tense and stick with it. Below are some examples.
Some general gramatical and spelling errors.
"mares" should be "mare's"
Comma splice.
Change "get" to "got" The comma should come before "and" "the soft body of her marefriend" is a bit awkward.