- Member Since 9th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen March 4th
storiesatrandom
Hello, I'm Storiesatrandom, and, I, do stories..... At Random.
storiesatrandom
Joined 9th Dec, 2011 ·
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fuck the rating, it's twilestia.
151174 is that a good comment or bad?
151174
I concur. Does anyone have any idea how rare twilestia is? Its as hard as finding chickens in a scootaloo coop.
151193 well, i do felt because Celestia is viewed morely as Twilight's second mother. it might explain why the relationship is so rare.
151252 well, at least know i learned how to break paragraths now.
151296 i wasn't insulted, i wanted to ensure you that am at least learning a little. but yeah, misspellings and grammer is still recuring blemishes. kay, i'll, take a look at this, Essman guy.
Spellcheck your summary :l
151321 DONE!
Well, let's go through the basic points here:
Firstly, that big block of text at the start is going to hurt anyone's eyes. Try to have no more than 3 to 4 lines in a paragraph, unless it's a very detailed description of a new character or setting. It should then be a lot easier to read.
Also, when you have a character speaking, don't use colons to denote it; use commas - Twilight said, “Princess, wow, so, unexpected of you to drop by, and, dressed very, elegant.”
Celestia said, “Twilight, I have no current need to do duties at the palace, and, I assumed your friends have other actives to do that you, choose not to par-take with them?”
Next, try to use other words instead of "said" all the time, and put the speaking descriptors in different places to break up the monotony. Variety is the spice of life, and variety in your speech verbs will make your story much more enticing - “Princess, wow, so, unexpected of you to drop by, and, dressed very, elegant,” Twilight noted, quickly adding the compliment so as not to displease her Princess.
Celestia gave a short explanation. “Twilight, I have no current need to do duties at the palace, and, I assumed your friends have other actives to do that you, choose not to par-take with them?”
Then there's other little touch-ups like spelling and grammar. I noticed you used a few big words that few would know; it's okay to use one or two, but try to avoid them as they can break the flow of the story. There's probably also a couple of things I missed, but if you get a proofer/editor, they should be able to find them.
After that, you can look to other writers to improve your overall writing technique; stuff like using the right words for the setting, keeping the characters in-character and generally make reading your story a more pleasant experience.
Give what I've mentioned a try. Edit this one, or apply it to your next story, and you should see improvements in ratings, reviews and, in turn, viewers. You've got the ideas; now you just need to refine your ability to unleash those ideas to their full potential.
151296 small problem with Essman: he doesn't do clopfics.
151334 don't get me wrong, i do use words other then said, but it's only then there's a approiate moment for it. and i guess even though i had breaking Paragraths down, i guess i am a bit of a novice, only seperating it when the character talk. it's a slow prosess with me, but, i'll see what i can do.
151371 did i forget to mention that i have 2: Sir Duke and Jomeca. problem is, i haven't heard from Jom for awhile now, and i haven't sented a message to Sir Duke yet.
please don't get annoyed with me, at least know i am taking your advice seriously, progess is just so-so most of the time.
151410 i'll keep that in mind.
151367 One technique I use is to forego the descriptor entirely a short way in. If only two characters are speaking and the lines are fairly short, start with a couple of "X said" so the reader knows who is involved in the dialogue, and then you can just leave it as the speech without having to have any "X said" at all for a while. It's especially useful in a conversation that's growing more tense, like an escalating argument, as it gives more haste and urgency to the lines.
There's lots of things you can try, so ask around and read some other stories to get some ideas.
151661 a small downside, people can get confused of who's talking, and there can be those who can be exthremely simple, like, they'll think Twilight is saying most of that, or Celestia is, and assume one and the other is being silent.
If I may suggest, invest in a copy of a book named "The Elements Of Style" by William Strunk Jr and E.B. White. If that fails to straighten out your prose then there is no helping you. Other than that, really not bad. As I said earlier, Twilestia is a rare gem which should be appreciated while it lasts.
151692 thanks for the offer, but, i like to handle things on my own pace.
(warning: till i can be more perfected, don't exsect future mostly unrelated stories from me to be masterpieces.)
151334 broke the wall, though, your gonna have to wait till i break other bad writing habits of mine, i'm a slow learner.
Frankly, I rather have a sequel. What happens to Dash and Luna?
163371 hmm, a sequil? hmm, tell you what, if i ever feel like, and if no one else claims the idea, i'll do a sequil focusing on Luna and Dash, and maybe a follow-up with how the relationship of Celestia and Twilight effects the rest of Equestia. again, i want these kind of fics to be rare, so, do understand that it'll be after a few fics before i even consider such.
so, it's that a deal?
Got half way through:
'You haven't had sex, not even just a little? People have shipped you with everypony'
'Not this story.'
'Hell, even my sister. DOUBLE hell, even Nightmare!'
I LOST MY SHIT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING AND MY NOSE IS BLEEDING FROM WHEN I SMASHED MY FACE OF A TABLE.
IT WAS THAT RANDOM.
241128 i take that part was faverable and funny to you?
Ye verily so!
That rating is off-putting but I shall read for the Twilestia.
476992 the rating was because it was alittle mispelled back then. it's long improved.
Edited you say?
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Throne room should not be capitalized.
Neither should this.
Word counted 120 uses of 'Twilight', recomend not repeating and describing her as 'the purple mare' or 'the lavender unicorn' or 'the Mardi gras prodigy', they are all the same thing and the veiwer knows exactly who is being talked about from the context.
How about 'She could not even attempt to fight these feelings that stated ever so clearly that they were meant for something more'.
Maybe...'A lingering feeling came along like so many before it, it refused to leave no matter how hard she pushed back with all of the will she could hope to muster; how could you love somepony you've known since they were but a winter-old foal?'
Well, I'm guessing you leik commas? Try to restrain yourself to around two at max per sentence. Makes for a better flow.
Purple text man...'While they're tolerated like most other ideals, the knowledge that their supreme, immortal princess is interested in such a thing would be questionable indeed.'
'For what other reason had she resisted pouncing on one of her guards other than the parchment thin morals of superiority?'
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Pretty much everything I've said before, so I'm going to begin skipping the ones I've already adressed. This one goes as far as;
'[...]Celestia escorted the nearly bouncing purple filly to her personal dorm room she had one of the maids set up for Twilight to stay in until (Filly twi was out of school when Celestia took her under her wing) she completed lesson planning.
'In some hiding spots she found after magically scanning the room she found much to her apparent shock, several dozen pornography magazines. More specifically shocking is that they all held one thing in common; each picture was of a mare in different mock ups of popular sports of pop-culture scenes wherein the admirably yet unfairly attractive mares were dressed in odd assortments of revealing clothing or merely just wet. Some of the books even held explicitly detailed graphic novels about some random and overtly attractive cartoonish mare.'
Capitalization of the 'Beautiful' should not be so! :[
'This was a more or less normal occurrence for all of her ponies under either gender, but a reoccurring happening threw the pretense of normalcy out of the nearest window, off a cliff into a raging ocean only to be then devoured by magic-sharks. On every other page or so laid an ever increasingly detailed depiction of Twilight and herself doing increasingly explicit actions. Everything from somewhat innocently kissing to not so innocently grinding against one another in bed.'
Wait, how young? If it was as young as Twilight was shown as in the episode, that is a bit out of reason. Kids only really learn about such things at 12-13 years. Assuming age differences are carried over from IRL with some generous rounding that equates to around five years. Or just going tossing the whole year conversion thing and pony age is capped at around 100, we can assume at this point, Twilight = 13ish.
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That is breaking cannon on so many levels...
*sigh*
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No I will not explain.
...you know what?
No.
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I cannot do this, I'd be here for hours. Point is, no. This is not yet completed.
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Off to actually read now...
Okay, I read through and only wanted to gouge my eyes out six times, not too bad.
Out of place fourth wall break, stupidly put together conversations and was that supposed to be a smut scene?
Sorry friend, but this is simply not a completed fic. It seems like more of an expanded summary, too quickly paced, no descriptive talent ect ect.
[stupidly long rant here]
What I'm attempting to get across is...well...
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Or at least clopfics.
477452 here's what i am improoving on: putting up with perfectionests and grammer nazies like you.
so basicly:
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sticks and stones may break my bones but names/or words will never hurt me.
so:
tough cheese doodles.
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(this was a comment update, so ignor this)
477495
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I was not calling you a name, I was giving critique.
Why do I even try anymore?
477588 look, i'm capable of mistakes. i am not out to be a leonardo Devini of fanfic writers. all i seek is to share my ideas the best i can. i grown to realise i can't impress EVERYONE on this site. but that doesn't mean i won't make any attempts to change my ways. i am now seeking a 3rd editor who is grammerly detailed. somehow, i think you won't do it because of a previous comment, so i won't even bother. but, if you know a tolernet (or strongly willed) grammer nazi or anyone with such a nick for perfected grammer, please don't hestitate to say anything.
let's agree you have your opinion, and i respect it, do plan to improof, and won't be a cryer over it.
477606 Well, at least you admit you suck at grammar and spelling. Silver lining amiright? Good luck on a decent editor, the higher tiers of beta readers either sit on their thrones atop of EQD or turn their noses up towards anything below a featured hit on this site. I'm more of the section that can only take so many mistakes before I decide the fic is too far gone to be saved and needs to be completely redone or at the very least massively revised. With this particular one, it's the story line itself that went bad and not the (horrible, horrible) grammar that usually kills a story like this. Nothing of interest happened beyond:
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, and some worryingly violent mauling of the MLP continuity.
Seriously? How long would it have taken to spell check that?
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I guess I can hook you with a decently competent editor, but allow for changes in the plot. You are not far along enough as a writer to create a compelling one alone if this is anything to go by. Give it a couple months I guess.
477648 yes, i know i won't get results right away. took me a good time before i met Vulbes and i can't even remember when i met Exia. again, to me, they're awesome at what they're good at, but yes, they do have their limits, and i do require a 3rd editor with more, vast capability.
Its actually rather good its just needing
time to spread out things more ...
921015 thanks.
Goodbye, fourth wall. It was nice knowing you.
If you're going to have fourth wall breakage, I would recommend adding the humor tag to this. I came in expecting a serious romance between Twilight and Celestia, and end up with Pinkie-Pie dressed up as them, acting out their parts. Not that that's a bad story (I wouldn't mind seeing that sometime), it's just not what I expected coming in to this.
This story has some potential, but is in dire need of some proofreaders. Also, several scenes could have been expanded upon very easily, making for it more interesting. Reading about how the date went would have been much better than giving us a synopsis through their dialogue (I myself have been guilty of this, so I know of what I speak). I wouldn't mind trying my hand at writing my own story using this plot (with some twists of my own), but this is your baby, so I'll leave it as is.
1085775 well, i try to get addsional help, do know that.