After getting warped to Equestria by Twilight (due to her being the Element of Magic), a certain boy wizard faces the great challenge of not only finding a way back, but teaching a very hard spell to someone who never used it before (The 2nd Wizarding War is over, but Harry's not going back to Hogwarts)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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not to be a dick but, i mean its hard to read with all of the spaces and shit. not to mention you uploaded only 550 words with two chapters. I also had a lot of trouble following it when reading. I think the idea is brilliant, but without proper writing skills and thought development this will turn out to be garbage. I recommend taking it down scrapping it and starting over. Focus on adding a lot more detail to the story.
215956 agreed this has allot of potential just needs some more work
Fix the grammar and make it longer and this could be great.
215956 Don't worry. I'm writing more as my brain thinks of more stuff to put in.
215982 Oh it's gonna long, and be as long as it needs to be.
The text here makes it look like it was written in notepad with word wrap turned on essentially creating extra paragraphs everywhere the lines wrap. It's not like you have to buy your word processing programs, wordpad is functional and built into windows, open office is free to download, and both microsoft and google offer their own browser based programs.
I stopped by teleport to another univers.
I don't think that spell can even teleport somone to another univer even by will.
295038 What happened was Twi's magic screwed up the Apparation, thus Harry being in Equestria
yay
215956 in some cases i agree. Some times you can't read it, ill fix that
738999 Thanks? I'm just kinda lazy about finishing stuff
sorry
ANNOUNCEMENT: I have been super lazy about finishing this story, so I can understand the Dislikes. Be patient please
so...
The idea is a bit interesting, but....
the story has no meat on its bones.
I mean, there's so little detail or exposition that I could condense everything you've written into a very short summary.
"Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus is a very short story with even shorter chapters in which Harry, attempting to Apparate to Luna Lovegood's house, somehow winds up in Equestria. Upon arrival, he is greeted by two Dementors, which he quickly deals with. Twilight Sparkle happens to be nearby at the time, suggesting she may have something to do with his botched Apparation attempt. She is rightly impressed by the Patronus spell, and takes Harry home with her so that she can learn it. Not much happens after that."
Five sentences. Probably could tighten it up a bit, but I have a tendency to do run on sentences.
Now, I admit the above is not terribly helpful, so let's see if I can give you useful input.
Fix #1: Do not repeat the story's title in the chapter titles. FIMFiction already includes the story title on every page. Presently, this is what it looks like: "Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus Chapter 3: Harry and his books > Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus - FIMFiction.net"
so, instead of putting "Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus Chapter 3: Harry and his books" as your chapter title/heading, just put "Chapter 3: Harry and his books". the result will look like this: "Chapter 3: Harry and his books > Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus - FIMFiction.net"
I also suggest replacing the "and" in your story's title with an &. Many real books do this (e.g. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrel), and it is more compact.
Fix #2: answer some of the unanswered questions. this will flesh out the story a bit.
There are a LOT of them.
How did Dementors get into Equestria?
How'd Twilight manage to interfere with an Apparition?
How'd the old trunk and Boggart get into Equestria?
How is it that he has a book series in Equestria? (why is this even part of the story? It's a pretty irrelevant thing.)
What teaching was done prior to the Boggart's appearance?
Why'd Harry assume Twilight was a "who" and not a "what"? (one would think he'd assume she was just an animal, horn and unusual color notwithstanding. Maybe he should talk to her like an animal instead, at first, and be surprised when she tells him off for treating her like an animal. "You can talk?!")
etc.
Fix #3:
FIX THE FORMATTING. It is GODAWFUL. it seems to have become better on this last "chapter" but it's still terrible.
Last thing. these aren't chapters. More like sections in a chapter. Rewrite this thing, condensing these sections into one chapter, including more detail & description, and maybe you'll have something worthwhile.
(Egon... Where are your arms!?! EGON. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!)
Story.
Where is your formatting?
STORY!?!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah this is good and all but, I can't understand what's going on when you have to much spaces, like when your sentence isn't even done. Just please, fix that, and also, try making the chapters a little longer.
359900
you shouldn't tell us, you should put in the story
I would like to do a little rage, I will let you do it, Grayscale
This whole chapter fits on one screen ONE SCREEN this is something we don't want to see! and bear in mind that I am reading this on an iPad mini!
Thankyou, Grayscale
Uhm, could you fix the punctuation and paragraphs?
would make it much easier to follow and enjoy, even if the story seems promising this far ..
619289
could you pull this through Spell-Check and listen to the story so you can get a picture of what the story is like?
As promising as the story may be, as an idea; but it half by half reads as an unfinished draft.
Maybe these issues are reflected in your poor reception?
Impossible, with double "S", not single
furthermore, this entire story as is, could have been a single chapter and still have room for more.
not to say that day-break is a good spot to break up chapters.
Uhm, how did you even manage to publish this, with just the 650 words?