Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus

by TwilightHooves

Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus Chapter 3: Harry and his books

When Harry woke up the next day, he found a stack of books with note from Twilight on the top one on the floor.

Harry, the note said. Here are the books you wanted to see last night. I went down stairs to cook breakfast, and left these here for you. After we eat, I'll introduce you to my friends. Twilight

Harry picked the first book off the top of the pile, and read the title: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

It was then that Harry knew the utterly imposible would occur, and this was just the start.

Comments

[Fareseed]

I stopped by teleport to another univers.

I don't think that spell can even teleport somone to another univer even by will.

[TwilightHooves]

295038 What happened was Twi's magic screwed up the Apparation, thus Harry being in Equestria

[Cleopatra]

yay

[TwilightHooves]

738999 Thanks? I'm just kinda lazy about finishing stuff sorry

[TwilightHooves]

ANNOUNCEMENT: I have been super lazy about finishing this story, so I can understand the Dislikes. Be patient please

[yrfoxtaur]

so...

The idea is a bit interesting, but....

the story has no meat on its bones.

I mean, there's so little detail or exposition that I could condense everything you've written into a very short summary.
"Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus is a very short story with even shorter chapters in which Harry, attempting to Apparate to Luna Lovegood's house, somehow winds up in Equestria. Upon arrival, he is greeted by two Dementors, which he quickly deals with. Twilight Sparkle happens to be nearby at the time, suggesting she may have something to do with his botched Apparation attempt. She is rightly impressed by the Patronus spell, and takes Harry home with her so that she can learn it. Not much happens after that."

Five sentences. Probably could tighten it up a bit, but I have a tendency to do run on sentences.

Now, I admit the above is not terribly helpful, so let's see if I can give you useful input.
Fix #1: Do not repeat the story's title in the chapter titles. FIMFiction already includes the story title on every page. Presently, this is what it looks like: "Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus Chapter 3: Harry and his books > Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus - FIMFiction.net"

so, instead of putting "Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus Chapter 3: Harry and his books" as your chapter title/heading, just put "Chapter 3: Harry and his books". the result will look like this: "Chapter 3: Harry and his books > Harry Potter and Twilight Sparkle: The Patronus - FIMFiction.net"

I also suggest replacing the "and" in your story's title with an &. Many real books do this (e.g. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrel), and it is more compact.

Fix #2: answer some of the unanswered questions. this will flesh out the story a bit.
There are a LOT of them.
How did Dementors get into Equestria?
How'd Twilight manage to interfere with an Apparition?
How'd the old trunk and Boggart get into Equestria?
How is it that he has a book series in Equestria? (why is this even part of the story? It's a pretty irrelevant thing.)
What teaching was done prior to the Boggart's appearance?
Why'd Harry assume Twilight was a "who" and not a "what"? (one would think he'd assume she was just an animal, horn and unusual color notwithstanding. Maybe he should talk to her like an animal instead, at first, and be surprised when she tells him off for treating her like an animal. "You can talk?!")
etc.

Fix #3:
FIX THE FORMATTING. It is GODAWFUL. it seems to have become better on this last "chapter" but it's still terrible.

Last thing. these aren't chapters. More like sections in a chapter. Rewrite this thing, condensing these sections into one chapter, including more detail & description, and maybe you'll have something worthwhile.

[shybabybutterfly]

Yeah this is good and all but, I can't understand what's going on when you have to much spaces, like when your sentence isn't even done. Just please, fix that, and also, try making the chapters a little longer.

[Gaegent]

359900
you shouldn't tell us, you should put in the story

[Golden_Reflection]

I would like to do a little rage, I will let you do it, Grayscale

This whole chapter fits on one screen ONE SCREEN this is something we don't want to see! and bear in mind that I am reading this on an iPad mini!

Thankyou, Grayscale

[Ponyess]

It was then that Harry knew the utterly imposible would occur, and this was just the start.

Impossible, with double "S", not single
furthermore, this entire story as is, could have been a single chapter and still have room for more.
not to say that day-break is a good spot to break up chapters.

[Ponyess]

Uhm, how did you even manage to publish this, with just the 650 words?