It's a bit dark, not really though. So, I hope you read, and enjoy. I have nothing to say here. OH! Yes! Okay, so, here is a small start.
Flare walked along the beaten dirt path that lead around the city. He slipped pass some guards. He was wanted for thievery across the town, with one or two major crimes like murder. It wasn't his fault, he was merely a tool used by his clients, who usually wanted something. Suddenly a bag went over his head, which smelled faintly of potato. He was brought down to the floor. Please don't let it be the guards, please no. Flare blacked out when a rod came down on the back of his head.
He woke up, without constraints, but still with the burlap sack on his forehead. He pulled it off, and suddenly his headache started up. He looked around the room. He noticed a man, who was dressed somewhat noble style, and a list in his hand. He handed Flare the list. Flare sighed and reviewed it. It's not like I'm greeted very better than the way I was... He finished and looked up. Suddenly the man spoke. "I want you to steal these."
Hahaha! A human who rages against the machine and hates the government gets sent to Equestria! What a fantastic idea! Nobody has EVER come up with such an original concept!
And naming a human character a pony name? Utter genius!
I'm sure this will be featured before the day is out!
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Couldn't have said it better myself
the rouge angles of satin have down teh spleling johbs.
Some advice, first off, big blocks of text are a turn off for most people when they start to read a story. Try to space out quotes, and people's thoughts and talks. Then try being more descriptive, how is your character feeling at the moment? Try to describe important details and certain thoughts and feelings in detail, such as the portal dragging him. Try saying,
"The pull of the mysterious gateway was close to the idea of being sucked in by a twister. It's force strong as it grasped for Flare, while he held onto the doorknob for what might be his life."
Sentences that are vivid and help set the scene and invite a reader into the story help the tale you're writing stand out from the rest. As for originality, try to at least give the story a bit more of a difference from the same idea fanfics already out there. It could be something simple, such as Flare lives on a barren planet where most of the world has been enslaved, let alone for a few high class people. Simple things that vary and seperate. Last is character personality, Celestia isn't known to be a psychopath in the show. But if you want to portray her as one, then I can't say that it hasn't been done before. So it is okay to OOC (out of character) the ponies by small degrees. Then be sure to capatilize "Princess" it is Celestia's surname. Just some ideas to take into thought.
Good luck, and happy writing!
1953672 Here is a tip, from a editor,
when you are writing if your character finishes a sentence or if your done with that area press enter
like so. and you can space it out, but still i,m not one of the people who get turned off by your writing style
so happy hunting
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I won't more
I shalt take these suggestions in Chapter 3!
Oh no, my words a slowly going down. Well, the next one should go up. Sorry...
Getting chapter 5 now!
Sorry guys, I will continue this when I finish Portal 2. In 2 days, most likely.
Aww, come on! I wrote the entirity of a new chapter, and it my labtop restarted itself. That stupid, stupid, stupid long passage is gone now.
1950891 You, sir, have made me laugh.
1955058>>1960491>>1965524>>1978082>>1991029
Five consecutive comments by you.
Also, there's a thing called a blog that fimfiction has gifted us with.
2022042
Yeah, sorry about that.
1950891
WHEN HARDCORE BRONIES PROCREATE...
This is pretty nice story.
Okay, what the fuck was that?
No need to tell people. They can figure that out on their own.
Flare sounds like a cunt already.
This is going to end well...for me. Because I hate your cunty protagonist.
Where the fuck does this portal even come from?? Either your description needs to be short and sweet, or it needs to have some...descent exposition, not some cheap bullshit you threw together at the last fucking second.
Wow, no HiE has EVER sent the human to the Everfree Forest FIRST! You're so god damn original!
For real, you need to scrap this and start anew, because you're digging yourself a huge ass hole with this story. And the worst part about it, you're grammar, spelling, and punctuation is fantastic! It's just your storytelling is just TOO SHIT.
EDIT:
I apologize if I sounded mean, but I NEEDED to get my point across.
"Flare was in a small room. His client was across the table. "So, let me get this straight..." Flare broke the silence. "You want me to steal... a list of practically worthless items?" He reviewed the list again. There were only 3 items on the list, too... A so called 'bit' (apparently some type of coin...), a saddle (which was apparently a strange hue of grey that looked like they spent ten seconds coloring it...), and the only interesting item, which was a stupid feather. But it was a quite specific one. It had to be an exact shade of light blue, and must have feathers that go down, not up. He sighed, and Flare's contractor just nodded. Flare leaned back. "Honestly, I'm considering not taking this job. It's just not big enough, so I cannot accept so little pay." Flare was wondering if it was a good idea not accepting or not."
Normally I am a person who doesn't go through a story unless it catches my attention from the beginning and further on, but WOW, this caught my attention... in the worst kinds of ways.
Let me just summarize everything I found wrong with this FIRST paragraph, because apparently every problem in this story is right there.
1. "Flare was in a small room." that's it? no other characteristics or description? so he could just be in a room of dead bodies and rotting flesh and you wouldn't happen to give a damn anyways because YOU as the writer were too busy slapping ideas together that you carelessly forgot to even address any sort of atmosphere, and this is the FIRST SENTENCE!!!
2. "His client was across the table." Who is this client? why is he there? what the f**k is going on? I just started this story and already I'm lost, that takes effort as a writer to make your reader confused at the 2nd fragment sentence.
3. "So, let me get this straight..." Flare broke the silence. "You want me to steal... a list of practically worthless items?" What silence did he break? Why are these items considered worthless to him? How did he end up in that position, why am I putting this much thought into this vague story anyhow? and why are you using "..." so often?
4. "There were only 3 items on the list, too..." why did you use a triple dot pause? what else was significant that you needed to add "too..." to that phrase, couldn't you have just explained that there were three items on the list and not make it awkward to the reader?
5. (apparently some type of coin...), a saddle (which was apparently a strange hue of grey that looked like they spent ten seconds coloring it...) Don't repeat verbs in the same sentence, looks extremely sloppy and unprofessional, which this story is anyways but I digress. also, strange hue is not descriptive in the slightest, it's like saying a strange brown, how am I supposed to visualize that? also, who's "they"?
6. "and the only interesting item, which was a stupid feather." the third person narration... judged events based on the story with no fluid context?! those statements are completely contradictory, it makes no sense that you would call it an interesting, stupid feather with no real reason to do so! god this story infuriates me
There are more mistakes on this SINGLE paragraph, but I just can't bear to look into this any longer. look, this story may be good, it may have possibility. maybe this is the greatest plot ever winded in the face of man kind, but I can't even begin to care if your presentation is as sloppy as it is! I bet you didn't even edit it after you slapped down your prototype ideas and let your readers do the rest of the dirty work. please, for the sake of humanity and world peace alike, fix this monstrosity before creating more of it. PLEASE FIX THIS BROKEN MESS!!!!
2104836
So add more description and fix up a few small errors. However, I'm not going to stop writing until I tailor the needs of a few.
2104142
I've been meaning to fix that old description.
Putting songs in is too much work. Who would've thought?