CHAPTER 1
Flare was in a small room. His client was across the table. "So, let me get this straight..." Flare broke the silence. "You want me to steal... a list of practically worthless items?" He reviewed the list again. There were only 3 items on the list, too... A so called 'bit' (apparently some type of coin...), a saddle (which was apparently a strange hue of grey that looked like they spent ten seconds coloring it...), and the only interesting item, which was a stupid feather. But it was a quite specific one. It had to be an exact shade of light blue, and must have feathers that go down, not up. He sighed, and Flare's contractor just nodded. Flare leaned back. "Honestly, I'm considering not taking this job. It's just not big enough, so I cannot accept so little pay." Flare was wondering if it was a good idea not accepting or not.
The contractor suddenly spoke. "I'm willing to offer you about... 600 gold coins." Flare leaned forward, his attention now caught by this offer. That's way to much... I expected around 50 for such a small job, and even that is a little bit too much. Do I accept...? Flare pondered the offer, and then hastily accepted. Flare wondered why the offer was so much though. Too much fuss for such small items...
Flare left the room, and then looked at the list. He needed the normal gear for this job. His 'normal gear' consisted of; A sword, gloves, a knife, 3 small boxes of provisions (each consisting of a main course, usually some sort of nasty, thin soup that tasted like flavored water... and then some impure water.), a crossbow and bolts, and a small tinderbox. He expected not to need half of it, but he couldn't really take chances. He also wore a suit of scale mail under his cloak. He went to his hideout, and grabbed the required gear. He slunk through the streets of Celia, his town of birth. He eventually reached the house, and saw a path up to the window, involving ivy, a small wood pole on the side, and some metal grates. He started the quick and short, but tough climb.
Flare jumped up to the ivy, barely grabbing a strong part. It started to rip, so he grabbed with the other hand. The ripping stopped, now that his weight was balanced. He pulled himself up the ivy. He got footholds along the stones the ivy resided on. He climbed up and then jumped and grabbed the pole with both hands, midair. He almost slipped, but his gloves saved him. He reached over to the metal grate, and grabbed it. He rose, and managed to get his feet on the pole. He crouched, and jumped through the open window. He rolled when he hit the ground, as not to make noise. He rose, and then surveyed the medium sized room. There was a small circle, with the bit in the middle. He slunk over to it, and grabbed the shining bit. He saw the saddle.
Flare looked around it. No protections, nothing. He lifted it and pulled it, then put put it in the brown bag he had. He then looked for the feather. It was nowhere in sight! He searched everywhere. Suddenly, his eyes rested on a pillow. He grabbed it, and searched for the feather. It was in the back, obviously meant to be hidden. He put it in the bag. Then he heard something. He instinctively ran into a room. He closed the door and locked it. As he turned around to find an escape route, he saw a large arch. It suddenly started to glow on every crack. He witnessed the middle suddenly start to swirl, and become green. He started to be dragged. He grabbed on the handle of the door, attempting not to be pulled in the portal. Suddenly, it yanked. He flew in the portal. He felt himself being bent, but not actually. He swirled, and fainted from the bending feel.
Flare woke up. He was... on the ground. It was grassy. He got up. Where was he? He examined his surroundings. He was in a forest, which was very dark. There was limited light, and he looked at the source. It was a small opening in the trees. He walked through. There, he was greeted by an expansive town. He ran down the raised hill, and looked around. He started to trek into town. Suddenly, he was struck on the back of the head. Some sort of club. He got incredibly dizzy, and blacked out. The last thing he remembered was seeing a sign that read 'Ponyville.'
Flare woke, for the second time. He was upright, his arms being held up. He was still dizzy. He saw a blurred, but dim light. His view focused. He it was a torch, on the wall. He tried to put his arms down, but the were being held up by metal restraints. He realized he had no footing, but his legs were restrained too. He started to panic. This looked a lot like a torture cell he had been in before. Suddenly... a... pony came in. Flare was startled when it spoke. "Oh, it looks like you're awake." Flare demanded to be put down. "Sorry, we can't do that. We still need to examine you." Flare shook, but could not escape the chains. Suddenly, a masked pony came in the room. He had a cart full of...
Torture tools. Flare shook violently. He yelled. Suddenly, two guards came in. They were escorting... an alicorn! The alicorn spoke. "So, the prisoner has woken?" The two masked ponies nodded. The alicorn introduced herself. "I am Princess Celestia." Flare hung his head. He was being taken prisoners to ponies... The princess turned to the masked ponies. "You may start the examination." The ponies grabbed tools. They walked over to Flare, and made a small cut on his arm. Blood dripped off. He tensed his muscles, and let out a small groan. They identified him as human. They caught some blood, and filled up a small vial. Flare loosened up after his blood clotted around the cut and his bleeding stopped. Then, they asked him where he came from. The princess just watched.
"Earth..." They nodded. They asked for more of an answer. "What do you mean?" They made a tiny cut, and Flare spoke again. "Ok, okay! I come from the town of Celia!" They asked him about his job. "I'm... not allowed to discuss that." They cut again. "Okay! I'm a thief... okay? Just... stop..." Suddenly, a guard came in. "Princess! There is a letter for you, from Twilight Sparkle!" The princess left with her guards, and so did the masked ponies, dubbed by Flare as the 'Masks'. Flare watched as they left. He sighed. He remembered the portal. And his... oh no, his 600 gold coins...
Hahaha! A human who rages against the machine and hates the government gets sent to Equestria! What a fantastic idea! Nobody has EVER come up with such an original concept!
And naming a human character a pony name? Utter genius!
I'm sure this will be featured before the day is out!
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Couldn't have said it better myself
the rouge angles of satin have down teh spleling johbs.
Some advice, first off, big blocks of text are a turn off for most people when they start to read a story. Try to space out quotes, and people's thoughts and talks. Then try being more descriptive, how is your character feeling at the moment? Try to describe important details and certain thoughts and feelings in detail, such as the portal dragging him. Try saying,
"The pull of the mysterious gateway was close to the idea of being sucked in by a twister. It's force strong as it grasped for Flare, while he held onto the doorknob for what might be his life."
Sentences that are vivid and help set the scene and invite a reader into the story help the tale you're writing stand out from the rest. As for originality, try to at least give the story a bit more of a difference from the same idea fanfics already out there. It could be something simple, such as Flare lives on a barren planet where most of the world has been enslaved, let alone for a few high class people. Simple things that vary and seperate. Last is character personality, Celestia isn't known to be a psychopath in the show. But if you want to portray her as one, then I can't say that it hasn't been done before. So it is okay to OOC (out of character) the ponies by small degrees. Then be sure to capatilize "Princess" it is Celestia's surname. Just some ideas to take into thought.
Good luck, and happy writing!
I forgot to put Lyra under characters...
1953672 Here is a tip, from a editor,
when you are writing if your character finishes a sentence or if your done with that area press enter
like so. and you can space it out, but still i,m not one of the people who get turned off by your writing style
so happy hunting