Flare woke. He had a splitting headache. He also probably had a few large injuries from that fight. It seemed to be getting tougher and tougher. His next target was to be either Rainbow Dash or Applejack. He held three elements, and his amulet of transformation.
He pulled an apple out, and sighed. It wasn't possible for him to eat meat, considering ponies would see him either leave town or see him order it, awkwardly. But he wasn't starving, like he usually was on Earth.
Flare looked around the room he was staying in. It was nice. There was a bed, a wardrobe, and some... heat source. He opened the door and walked into the hall.
As he looked around the hall, he noticed a pony. He waved, and the pony waved back. He was glad for the transformation jewel, and then he went down the stairs.
He came into the lobby, to see some sort of... gathering. There were pegasai, unicorns, and earth ponies alike. He pushed his way through the crowd, and got out the door.
Usually there isn't that much crowding... He trotted down the streets, remembering it was time for work. As he came into the library, he noticed that Twilight was reading a book.
"Watcha' reading?" She looked absorbed in the book, and seemed not to notice him. He went to work, shelving and sweeping. A pony came in.
"Mail call!" The pony shouted. Flare came up, and noticed the eyes of the carrier. What the...? Her eyes seemed to look in... two directions at once. He couldn't tell which was actually in the correct place.
"Umm... I'll take that..." Flare stammered, and grabbed it. The pony looked dead at him, with both eyes. They then slowly fell away.
"Here's a muffin, free of charge!" Flare took it, and shuffled his hooves.
"Th-th-thanks..." He looked at the muffin in his hooves.
The pony flew away. What was that? I'm really wondering about that... He went back to sweeping. Twilight finally put the book down.
"Done!" The pony announced. Flare was slightly startled.
"What was that book?" Flare asked.
"Just reading the last of the new books that arrived yesterday. That was one about humans..." Flare kind of gazed to the side. He was wondering if Twilight would find out he was human or not.
Suddenly a pony burst in the library. It was a pony, with a cutie mark of a lyra. Flare looked over, and the pony shouted. "Is the book on humans in?" She looked at Twilight.
"Calm down, Lyra!" Twilight reassured. "The book is in, and available." Lyra checked out the book. As she left, Flare inquired about the pony. "Oh, that was Lyra, one of the town's musicians. She is kind of crazy over anthropology."
Flare gazed out the window. A storm brewed on the horizon. Twilight noticed this, and said "Yeah, the pegasai had to plan on a large thunder storm tomorrow."
As work ended, Flare received his pay. He walked down the streets of Ponyville. He suddenly was approached by a small pony.
"Umm, 'Scuse me mister, you wanna buy some apples?" Suddenly a pony came over.
"Apple Bloom, what have I told you about harrasin' stangers?" The pony shook her head. "Pardon me and my sister, my name is Applejack."
Flare looked around. "And my name is Flare Flames. Actually, do you mind if I buy some apples?" The pony and her sister lightened up.
"Sure, how many do you count on buyin'?" Flare looked at his current bits. He decided on 6.
"Do you mind if I buy 6?" The pony shook her hatted head. Flare payed, and got the apples and was on his way. He realized during that entire thing, the pony wore the element.
He decided on fighting Applejack for the element. He was going to do it at... midnight. As he arrived back at the inn, there were still several dozen ponies there.
He got a glimpse of what they were looking at. It was a pony. They were talking about her, using the name Photo Finish. Flare went to his room, and made sure he was to get a wake up at midnight.
Flare started to doze off. His mind rushed though. He wondered how earth was faring. He fell victim to sleep, and the world faded.
Okay, what the fuck was that?
No need to tell people. They can figure that out on their own.
Flare sounds like a cunt already.
This is going to end well...for me. Because I hate your cunty protagonist.
Where the fuck does this portal even come from?? Either your description needs to be short and sweet, or it needs to have some...descent exposition, not some cheap bullshit you threw together at the last fucking second.
Wow, no HiE has EVER sent the human to the Everfree Forest FIRST! You're so god damn original!
For real, you need to scrap this and start anew, because you're digging yourself a huge ass hole with this story. And the worst part about it, you're grammar, spelling, and punctuation is fantastic! It's just your storytelling is just TOO SHIT.
EDIT:
I apologize if I sounded mean, but I NEEDED to get my point across.
"Flare was in a small room. His client was across the table. "So, let me get this straight..." Flare broke the silence. "You want me to steal... a list of practically worthless items?" He reviewed the list again. There were only 3 items on the list, too... A so called 'bit' (apparently some type of coin...), a saddle (which was apparently a strange hue of grey that looked like they spent ten seconds coloring it...), and the only interesting item, which was a stupid feather. But it was a quite specific one. It had to be an exact shade of light blue, and must have feathers that go down, not up. He sighed, and Flare's contractor just nodded. Flare leaned back. "Honestly, I'm considering not taking this job. It's just not big enough, so I cannot accept so little pay." Flare was wondering if it was a good idea not accepting or not."
Normally I am a person who doesn't go through a story unless it catches my attention from the beginning and further on, but WOW, this caught my attention... in the worst kinds of ways. Let me just summarize everything I found wrong with this FIRST paragraph, because apparently every problem in this story is right there.
1. "Flare was in a small room." that's it? no other characteristics or description? so he could just be in a room of dead bodies and rotting flesh and you wouldn't happen to give a damn anyways because YOU as the writer were too busy slapping ideas together that you carelessly forgot to even address any sort of atmosphere, and this is the FIRST SENTENCE!!!
2. "His client was across the table." Who is this client? why is he there? what the f**k is going on? I just started this story and already I'm lost, that takes effort as a writer to make your reader confused at the 2nd fragment sentence.
3. "So, let me get this straight..." Flare broke the silence. "You want me to steal... a list of practically worthless items?" What silence did he break? Why are these items considered worthless to him? How did he end up in that position, why am I putting this much thought into this vague story anyhow? and why are you using "..." so often?
4. "There were only 3 items on the list, too..." why did you use a triple dot pause? what else was significant that you needed to add "too..." to that phrase, couldn't you have just explained that there were three items on the list and not make it awkward to the reader?
5. (apparently some type of coin...), a saddle (which was apparently a strange hue of grey that looked like they spent ten seconds coloring it...) Don't repeat verbs in the same sentence, looks extremely sloppy and unprofessional, which this story is anyways but I digress. also, strange hue is not descriptive in the slightest, it's like saying a strange brown, how am I supposed to visualize that? also, who's "they"?
6. "and the only interesting item, which was a stupid feather." the third person narration... judged events based on the story with no fluid context?! those statements are completely contradictory, it makes no sense that you would call it an interesting, stupid feather with no real reason to do so! god this story infuriates me
There are more mistakes on this SINGLE paragraph, but I just can't bear to look into this any longer. look, this story may be good, it may have possibility. maybe this is the greatest plot ever winded in the face of man kind, but I can't even begin to care if your presentation is as sloppy as it is! I bet you didn't even edit it after you slapped down your prototype ideas and let your readers do the rest of the dirty work. please, for the sake of humanity and world peace alike, fix this monstrosity before creating more of it. PLEASE FIX THIS BROKEN MESS!!!!
2104836
So add more description and fix up a few small errors. However, I'm not going to stop writing until I tailor the needs of a few.
2104142
I've been meaning to fix that old description.