A story about a human in Equestria written by 2 different people. Follow him as he finds himself in a world he recognizes all too well. How will he cope with this new world? And more importantly, how will he handle a certain lavender mare?
Two writers. You can choose which one you would like to write, or you can read them both!
One writes the POV from the human side.
The other the POV from Twilight's side.
This is our first story, so if you could comment on what we should improve, that'd be appreciated!
Still a work in progress. We will try to update this regularly!
Might contain some sad/dark in the future, but we'll see when we get there =) !
Chapters (4)
Cool story. No mistakes so far, very well written. I'll give it a star for your trouble. And by a star, I mean 5. And a half.
The synopsis attracted me to this story. It would have been interesting to see two different writing styles for two perspectives, but I couldn’t really pick that out.
There are quite a number of errors in the writing. Some aren’t exactly grammatical errors, but the wrong sequence of events. I’ll pick some out from the first scene.
“and sigh”
and sighed.
You notice the temperature, then you feel cold? No, it should be the other way around. Feelings come first.
Repeated word: “shaking”
And here’s another one that pops out later.
“start walking” Started walking. Or why not write something like: I dumped the bike on the bicycle stand, dragging my feet towards the entrance of the school building, or rather, the entrance to my impending doom.
You seem to like to use the word “walking” a lot. Try using other words to spice up your story.
Other than that, the storyline seems pretty ok.
cool story, aand an interesting concept. I await more from you. the only thing i see wrong with this is the epic cliffhanger....... It's to epic of a cliffhanger. that is all.
Um... I kinda tried working on your first scene for fun. See if you like my version better.
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“I’ll be back in about 2 hours, mom!” I called out from the front door, a small schoolbag slung onto my shoulder.
“Alright, good luck with your math test!” Her reply echoed back down.
Yeah right, like that will help me.
I opened the door, kicking out a stone out sullenly.
I need more than luck right now. I need... more hours to study.
The door slammed behind me. A sigh escaped my lips.
I wasn’t exactly feeling well. Actually, I haven’t been feeling well for weeks, to be honest. But I absolutely have to do this test. Because if I don’t... I’ll fail my class.
I steered my thoughts elsewhere, eager for a change in topic.
God it’s cold!
I’ve been outside for like... few seconds? But my legs were already shaking. I clamped on my headphones, jammed my hands deep into the pockets, and start walking to my bike.
The dreadful test popped up again in my mind.
I am going to fail so badly, it’s not even funny.
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I say good chapter.
142414
Thank you =)
The difference in writing styles will really come out in the next chapters. We've kinda written this first one together.
And yes, I actually do use alot of the same words. I am working on that, it's one of the biggest problems with my writing..
.
In the second chapter alone I've rewritten my part about 8 times now, trying to avoid just that.
However, we are trying to write this story in the present tense. We want to make it feel like it's happening right now. So we try to avoid the past tense as much as possible.
143030
Okay, cool :)
I get that 'same word' problem while writing my own story as well. But then I just use the thesaurus for a replacement. It's pretty helpful.
fantastic
fantastic
Good chapter, and I feel like the "thing" that he saw is actually a pony
Can't wait for next chapter, good work you 2
“How do you know my name?” “What are you?” I can feel her hooves poke into my side. “And why did you push me out of the way?”
well... I´ve been stalking you and they called you twilight 3 times or more. in this instant Im a floating bloody mess, and I pushed you because I didn´t want you to become pony-flavored dog chow ^^
***THE MORE YOU KNOW!***
now seriously talking, I really like how this is developing ^^
well, i think i can understand twilight's confusion, i mean.... humans don't exactly live in equestria.
i would be surprised to see a technicolor talking pony walk into my backyard i can tell you that.
Great doble chapter guys. It's good to have both perspectives, it's very very good
Drat a Brony in Equestria. Oh well I'll still around for another chapter or two to see if this goes anywhere. The cliche's this chapter were pretty painful.
156160
Thank you! Glad you enjoy our story. Could you eloborate a bit more? What did you like, and where do you think we could improve?
We have a few interesting ideas coming in the next chapters!
We are currently working on chapter 4, although I don't have that much time at the moment. We try to spend atleast a couple of hours per day on this story
156231
Could you tell us which cliché's were painful to you?
We could always use more feedback, it will help us improve our story!
156277 well... lets see... Its well told, as in no spelling horrors or holy walls of text.
the Human in equestria is already used but its well developed, with all the sneaky thingy...
the 2 POV´s make it original and interesting to read.
now the not so good part:
the human is a brony, that adds to the clicheism,
the twilight´s POV feels a bit.... rough... I don´t know exactly why...
and a suggestion: The first chapters where alternating Twilight and human´s POV
the last two where one for each, and that´s not bad, but half of the twilight´s chapter had nothing new, as everything was already narrated by him...
in the first chapter that was nice, as each would continue the story, instead of repeating it...
that is only my opinion, dont take me too seriously as this is the first critique I ever wrote, and I dont write fanfics... But keep it up with the good work, you two, And I assure you that I´ll be reading the next chapter ^^
Vash_ts, we are done here.
156277
Is this the kind of 'give us feedback but don't be too harsh' or more accepting of the brutal type?
Edit: Meh, I'll just keep this simple. Typed up something pretty long and figured I'd just cut it down.
-No one seems to care they're being followed.
-Brony acting like any one of a dozen other Brony in Equestria protagonists. I don't care much for his internal dialogue and there's just so little that makes him stand out to me. I feel like I could replace him with a number of other characters from similar stories and wouldn't notice much difference.
-ends chapter falling unconscious.
-Twilight gets left alone. In the Everfree. While something has been following them. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this. (To be fair this is more of a horror genre cliche than MLP)
I do admit laughing at the "...no, focus! Cartoon Ponies!" bit and at least you didn't have him/twilight get attacked by a Manticore but I just find the writing of the human...uninspired? Just not engaging. I found myself skipping past the human's dialogue to get to the actions of the others. I'm pretty happy he doesn't seem to be a Gary Stu (oh dear god those stories) but to me he's just too generic.
The gimmick of two authors is interesting enough but I'm not sure if it's going to be enough for me to want to keep reading.
156321
Thanks for the feedback!
The intention of the split chapters is that you can read one of the POV's, without having to read the other one. For example, if you decide to only read Twilight's part of chapter 3, the story still makes sense. However, if you don't read the humans POV, you will miss out on all the thoughts and actions the human takes.
This style of writing is what we think to be an interesting and unique way of writing our story. It is not likely to change
Each time we read a comment like yours, our motivation to write grows =).
And thank you for support
156332
As long as it is constructive feedback, we will appreciate it. Just burning the story to the ground without giving any advice is very unhelpful and kind of rude
.
edit: you edited yours, we will edit ours
I'll be addressing your ideas point by point.
-Since you've brought it up we've been discussing that for quite a bit, I guess we should eloborate that a bit more. The main reason being that Twilight is more focused on cataloging the plants, then keeping an eye out for every single thing. She has more than enough means to defend herself
(edit2: we decided to come back to the first chapters later and adjust, or maybe completely rewrite them later)
- While we noticed that he's a bit bland in the beginning, we didn't see any good way to characterize him until he's actually met the ponies which will happen in the next chapters. The only thing we could use so far have been his thoughts, and while it's entirely possible to characterize somebody that we, we opted to try and have it more through interaction in the later chapters.
-While I agree that this happens quite a bit in several stories (and shouldn't be done too often), in this case we thought it fit the story and therefor we feel no real need to change it
-pretty much the same deal as with your first point though this is alleviated somewhat by the fact that 1. forest dwelling creatures usually avoid magical wards (IE: are repelled) and 2. that twilight (at least in our story) has enough power to teleport herself halfway across equestria if she so desired (which makes running away a cinch
)
As for the rest, we're still pretty new at writing (I have some experience, but this is the first story for my co-author)
but yea, we thought this was an interesting way of writing a story so we gave it a try.
Thanks for the feedback at any rate, we appreciate it. and hopefully you'll think our story is interesting enough once you see the rest.
156424
Edited previous post. Bad habit from some other forums.
156424
ohhhh.... so that is the idea? a Choose your POV story?
hmm.. witty...
also glad to be able to turn on your motivation
156467
Well, yes.
We wanted to try something different. While for us it's a great writing exercise (writing around what the other one says/does)
for you, while you can choose one of the POV's and have a full story, our idea was basically allowing you to see how two different characters react to the same situations (from a first person perspective.)
People enjoying something we write gives us motivation so I hope you'll continue to enjoy it
edit: 156432 so we heard you like edited posts your edited posts so.... ya look up
156511 dont have any doubt that I will do
156511
I still think it has potential but a lot of that depends on you guys. Hopefully you were able to get something positive out of what I said and hopefully you can grow from it. Just remember, you have a limited amount of time to catch people's attention when it comes to works of fiction.
Give it your best, not much anyone else can ask than that.
Awesome chapter!! Keep up the good work!
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
Deader than a turkey after Christmas