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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yes, the new cover art is quite nice.
Also? Freakin' oracles, man. Always gotta be cryptic about everything.
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Well, y'know.
If she reveals too much, a different future may come true.
yay! so happy to see this!
3244861 Ah, yes, the old self-defeating prophecy.
Still, though. It is my dream to someday see a character respond to one too many cryptic answers by snapping and basically threatening/beating some straight talk out of someone. I suppose I'll have to keep looking, though. Or write it myself.
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Problem?
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Speaking of Sound of Thunder, are you still looking for members?
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Why yes we are! Go check out the Welcome Thread!
I actually just made a map for the AU. It's pretty cool.
3563664>>3563514
Aww, shucks, you flatter me.
I'll be sure to refer to your reviews when I write the 3rd Edition. I think you'll be pleased to know that my writing get's better as you get further into the story; this is actually my first fic, and I've become a greater writer over the course of it.
Anyways, I'm sure to get to your story soon. I looked over the appendix for the second story, and I think I'll read the first one to get a proper idea of things. Think I'll leave a comment for every chapter, too. The practice is just so useful for authors...
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I'm going to fix these grammar issues you raise, one of these days.
One of these days...
The hyphen thing is present in my earlier chapters. I forget which chapter it is, but later on I start properly using em-dashes instead.
You'll be pleased to know that you're finally arriving at the good bit.
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Yes, one of my problems with this story is that I have to be careful I don't desensitize Dissy too fast, while also making sure I desensitize him enough that he can survive. I've handled it mostly by putting him in situations where he has no other choice, and the part of this fic that revolves around New is very helpful for it.
They are the embodiment of the OW mentality that life has no intrinsic value, the polar opposite of Dissero. Their actions are played up to emphasize the contrast.
You are the first reader so far to get it. Or the first to say so, anyways.
img827.imageshack.us/img827/5027/1349199028278.gif
Unfortunately for him, he got lost and never finished the code.
As much as I tried to avoid tossing him into the "powerful levitation" pile with all those other big adventure OCs like Little Pip, Dissy has ended up showing himself to be skilled with levitation magic. Specifically, he has an unusual capacity for levitating multiple things.
In a world where ursines, canines, whatever goyles are, and equines are equally common, "people" is one of the few words that can realistically be used to apply to all the population. After being in the OW for over a month, Dissy has already adapted his diction.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 19)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) I swear, the Phoenix and the Unicorn shall soon fly. I'm hype for it!
2) Backstory! From a believable source!
3) Ambrosia's sarcastic attitude and lah-dee-dah personality just do it for me. Why should all seeress' have to be overly cryptic and mysterious?
Cons:
1) How is Dissero still walking/alive? Did Nix use a red potion on him? I'm left to assume so.
2) You're a bit inconsistent with the conversation between Ambrosia and Dissero. See my note below.
3) Now I have to wait for the next chapter, like everyone else!
Notes:
Welp, here it is, my final review for an indefinite amount of time. I'm just going to recap and say that you've held me from start to finish. I fully expected reading this story to be a chore, and while it did have a tendency to drag a few things on, the pacing is more-or-less alright. Each character is their own character, immediately distinguishable from each other.
I'm still pissed that you killed off Moon Dream, but not as pissed/sad as I think you meant me to be. Maybe he could have been fleshed out a bit more before his untimely "disappearance".
Blood was amusing, Colonel was fore-shadowy, Shatter was a cool dude, The griffons are merciless, the wildlife is just fucked up (I'll never look at a rabbit the same way again), Robber and his lackey Ashfall need to be put down via arrows to their knees... I can go on. In fact, I probably should, but I'm gonna be lazy and refer you to my other reviews for my feelings, which (largely) remain unchanged about previous things.
All in all, your grammar is very good, scoring an average of 9.1/10 from me for your chapters so far. Just fix those teeny tiny little mistakes I've found littered throughout your story and you should easily score 9.9/10 from even a harsh critic. I'd say a 10 but then again, there's probably something that I missed, maybe. I'm only human, after all, like yourself (I assume).
While it does seem to take ages to get anywhere, that just leaves a tonne more story and world building at your disposal. On that note, about how fast do airships fly in this universe? The fact that it took the Omega a month to reach dry land after leaving Equestria suggests to me that your setting's planet is almost the size of Neptune or something, assuming it can reach speeds similar to a Boeing 747. Unless it only flies about as fast as your usual wind-blown sea-faring vessel, in which case I'd expect it to take roughly the time it would have taken the Endeavour to sail from Australia to French Polynesia. So, how fast is the Omega, and how large is your world?
My impression of Omega at the end of chapter 4:
lemmykoopa.com/lk19/788.jpg
My impression of Omega after the crew takes on their mercenary work:
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100507172933/finalfantasy/images/4/4e/Strahl.jpg
My impression of what Omega can become with x amount of moonstone upgrades:
momentumbooks.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/beauty_1920.jpg
The idea of going so far out of Equestria, into such a wide, wild world, is not often explored in fanfics. Normally, if people write about the "outside world", it's just to places like "Prance", "Saddle Arabia", "Germaneigh", "Neighpon" etc, which I still consider part of Equestria. You've completely left Equestria behind, which gives me the impression that your crew really is insanely far from home. So well done on that.
Best circumvention of a cliche I've ever seen.
Also, giving Ambrosia a subtle, sarcastic sense of humour is a win for me.
I already guessed where this was going by her name. Good use of it.
THIS is how you excite a reader!
Omega is best NCC-1701 Enterprise.
When did he say this earlier? I ctrl+f'd it and everything, he hadn't mentioned Thunder Shield yet.
You know, it has always amused me that black boxes tend to be orange. That aside, I'm going to assume that ponykind has invented this device and has it installed in the majority of airships.
Here, have some edits, the last of their kind that you'll see for a while:
Pegasus'.
Your.
Comma after "Equestria".
Comma after "City".
My.
Here, this is for you, for reaching the no. 2 spot in my dark/adventure genre of favourites:
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/245640__UNOPT__safe_princess-celestia_animated_caption_clapping.gif.gif
I'd love to give you a far more detailed review, but unfortunately, I never really had that great an English education. I always struggled through it and never paid attention; as such, I'm probably the least qualified reviewer you've had so far (judging by this guy 3008514 and this guy 2577266 (kudos for your In Flames reference too)). I could never put together an essay like either of those...
Now I suppose I have no choice but to wait for chapter 20, like everyone else.
Hoping you can punch some more out soon! I'll be waiting...
Adren
Edit: this is comment #100, fyi.
This is wonderful and you are great
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