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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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There is something to be said about a chapter that leaves me both horrified and depressed near the start, and laughing my ass off near the end. I feel that the whole part of Harmony City was maybe a tad rushed, but overall it was very excellent. The entire experience in the Cloudwall was hilarious, and I loved every second of it. Loving this story, still.
... you killed Moon Dream? Already? DAMN YOU!
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 4)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 8
Pros:
1) How is it that I can like a villain so terrible as the Baron? Kudos for somehow making this possible.
2) Drunk ponies are best ponies.
3) "Dun-dun dada daaaaah dah, dun-dun dada daaaaah dah"--you magnificent bastard.
Cons:
1) It still hurts to read about those foals... not a fault of the story though, just my own bleeding heart.
2) Afraid to say, your grammar really took a dive here.
3) Some trouble with homophones or other same-not-same words. (Lookie, I finally found the third con!)
Notes:
Wow, my brain and my emotions were all over the place with this chapter. First we have the cool, calm Baron (shown to be training child slaves), then the "holiday", followed by a harrowing execution scene and an even more feel-inducing city-wide destruction plot unfolding. Finally, when I can't take the feeling of "awww shit" anymore, things lighten the hell up with drunk ponies, an ill-conceived theft and a riotous escape that truly had me laughing. Not to mention that I was actually thinking of Flight of the Valkyries before you made SIlver hum it. Genius, dude. Such a range of emotions conveyed within a single chapter, with perfect pacing.
You also gave me this:
This paragraph. You great person, you.
Uuuuunfortunately, here's the bad news. Your grammar really slipped a few notches. There's also a couple of other things I imagine you're unaware of. For example:
Ah, damn. I see this too often. Here's the proper use:
"I was affected" vs
"I felt the effects"
Affect is active, effect is passive.
Ah, yet another unknowing writer falls prey to the hyphen vs dash rule
needs a space. Also, "tornadoes"
drop the end comma.
Fleeing might be more appropriate here, running implies the use of feet.
similar thing, floor would be better than ground, since they're in a ship in mid-air.
It's a shame that the grammar fell, just as the story got super-intense. I suppose some law of averages came into play here. Well, tell it to bugger off next time and mess up someone else's story. Once you fix these things, I can pretty much call the chapter perfect. Great going!
Now I'm off to dinner, but I shall return! Hopefully soon.
Adren