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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Name of Story: Omega (chapter 7)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9.5
Pros:
1) Flintlock and Blight are amusing characters. More of their antics, please!
2) The description of the guard's eyes as the light within was extinguished, as well as Dissy's continuous reactions upon/after performing the deed, was very well done.
3) I also like Shatter's attitude and finesse.
Cons:
1) What are
2) these fabled cons
3) I'm supposed to find?
Notes:
More characters! More character development! Formal training from a professional! A possible romance?
While it would normally seem cheap to just make months pass at a time, it seems to aid the pacing of the story. It allows you to make the characters grow and evolve, without subjecting the reader to excessive text. I'm sure it would be great to read about the training that Dissy underwent, but inserting it piece by piece during future combat scenes is definitely the way to go.
This is brilliant. I've often had this thought cross my mind, watching scenes in movies and while playing games. One never usually thinks about the lives of enemies, merely passing them off as obstacles and expendables. The fact is, life is life. With that statement, you really bring out emotions that most often remain buried. Actually takes me back to the scene in Austin Powers, with the minion's grieving family (though that's meant to be taken comedically). Once again, I'm reminded of Jason Brody from FC3 after his first kill. He reacts in pretty much the same way. I can only hope that you don't stupidly accelerate Dissero's desensitivity to killing, like FC3 did with Jason. A character should not develop from "Fuck fuck fuck I killed someone I'm gonna be sick" to killing without remorse on a regular basis the next day.
I want more Blood! Give me more Blood! (I'm not a vampire, I promise.)
Just the one error I found. I'm pleased.
drop the final comma.
I know I'm being insanely picky, but I think I'm a better editor than writer. At least, I'd like to think so.
Onward to chapter 8!
Adren