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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Name of Story: Omega (chapter 10)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) I love Baron's reaction to his missing airship. I don't envy Apricot Seed though...
2) Music has a way of driving away your darkest fears.
3) Cliffhanger! Wow, it's been a while since I saw one of these.
Cons:
1) Grammar again. Realistically, I could probably assume that it won't be perfect every chapter, but I feel like I have to at least give you one con per chapter.
2) Um...
3) I got nothin'.
Notes:
I was wondering when we'd see our old mate Robber. Surely, he hasn't been sitting idle these past months? I dread to think what nefarious plans he's dreaming up for our band of heroes...
Woohoo! The A-team found work! On that note, Stormslider showed much better self-control after her first kill than Dissero. I'm glad Nix was there to quell Silver's bloodlust.
...That gargoyle creature, thing... That wouldn't happen to be a Bangaa, would it? He seems the type.
Well, it's about bloody time he noticed what was missing.
I giggled a little bit. Just a little bit.
Lovely little moment with the harmonica.
Here's the usual nitty gritty:
I'm being super-picky here, but I don't think he should take another sip at the very beginning of the chapter. Just leave it as "Baron took a sip of wine." He takes "another sip" further into the scene anyway.
Um?
lightning.
Clumsy. How about "nodded his appreciation, regardless."
This is great. Really, I like it. But if you're gonna do the sslippery acccent thing, keep it consistent: x2 up all of the s's.
apostrophe.
Up next: hopefully more bounty hunting! Also, what manner of beast-warrior now approaches our clumsy, idiotic Dissy? Looking forward to the next one,
Adren