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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The snarky comments really make the chapter, in my opinion. Also, hope you don't mind a ton of comments, since I tend to comment on every chapter. Anyway, I liked this one. It had a lot going on, but ended up being able to get it all out without feeling too fast or dragging too much. It'll be interesting to know about all these ponies, and exactly what's going on. And nice resistance force you've got there.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 3)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9.5
Pros:
1) Drama! Action! Murder? Well then, now I finally understand the need for the mature tag.
2) Nix and Moon Dream have earned my sympathies. I actually care about them.
3) You certainly know how to hook a reader. Damn.
Cons:
1) I love this story, but it's really, really irritating me that I can't give it a perfect grammar score.
Lose the apostrophe, or add in the word "shows" or "reads" after "report". Also, that comma on the end is an oxford comma. You must be very careful with those. Alternatively, you could drop the comma and the word "and", replacing both with a single period.
2) I understand it was necessary. I get the point you're making about the cost of being in the rebellion. But a foal? Could it not have been a teenaged filly/young mare, at the very least?
3) I've given up finding this one at this point.
Notes:
Poor Dissero. That place sounds like a living hell. No wonder he's eager to join a cause with such a high mortality rate. This chapter descended into very dark territory rapidly, but still, it didn't feel rushed. On that note, I'm glad you decided to cut this chapter in half; I'm not too fond of lengthy chapters.
Dat Baron. Damn. What a ruthless prick.
I'm three chapters in and there's no end in sight. No end to my attention or entertainment, that is! I'm actually really enjoying this a lot more than I thought I would.
Back for more later, in an indeterminable amount of time (shouldn't be too long)!
Adren