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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You know, I think this might be the first story I've read that went dramatically outside of Equestria, and I'm really liking it so far. I like the character the Omega already has, and I have to admit my heart skipped a beat when Dissy fell over the side. Great chapter.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 5)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 8.5
Pros:
1) You have journeyed far, traveler. Further than anypony has before...
2) Guns! They found guns! I like this now more than I did before, especially since you've made their activation method quite unique.
3) I could feel myself empathising with the group, reading about their lack of food and hope. I know how it feels to starve.
Cons:
1) The usual small grammar gripes.
2) No further
3) Cons found
Notes:
Out of the frying pan, into the fire... Man, I love how you didn't just place the group out of immediate danger. You simply shifted the danger from known to unknown. The latter actually has a tendency to be far more frightening. I know that I wouldn't be pleased at the prospect of an unprecedented length of travel without supplies.
While most people would tend to be revolted by the idea of horses eating meat ("they're herbivores durrr you dun goofed"), it has actually been proven that horses will eat meat in extreme circumstances. Sometimes, on rare occasions, they've been known to engage in cannibalism, similar to pigs. Thanks for being daring enough to allow them to stoop to the level of eating fish and birds to survive: it really adds a whole new dimension and amount of depth to their situation.
That sea monster... How large must it be, to trouble a 200ft vessel made of metal... hang on. You've used meters and feet in the same story. Keep it consistent. 200ft is equivalent to about 65 meters.
Here's the mistakes I found, although one will require clarification:
drop apostrophe.
Hyphen vs Dash. Of course, now that I've pointed this out, you'll hardly have had time to edit them from your story at all, so I'll stick to numbering the amount of occurrences in a chapter, so you can just ctrl+f them at a later time and find them easily. As a matter of fact, I might just do this with all other mistakes as well, the recurring ones at least. Total of two instances of this.
Maybe I'm going crazy, but I could swear that I've only seen this spacing issue between these two words. Are you doing this deliberately?
word missing?
what are "arms?"
Welp, there's the mechanics of incorrect grammar that I found. Still held in thrall of this story, though. But for now, my eyes are falling from their sockets, so I must bid you adieu, for a few more hours.
Cheers,
Adren