New. Never gets old.
Looking forward to the assorted upcoming misadventures!

Frostwyrm

For some strange reason I get the feeling that sooner or later Dissero and his crew are going to cross paths, and they will be on opposite sides of the fence when that happens... What I'm trying to figure out is why I'm looking forward to that. Eh I'll figure it out after I get some sleep, oh and great chapter.

2049943

OH GOD FEET.
I'm going to kill my co-author for not catching that, like, two months ago.

I'm quite surprised to see such an extensive review after only reading one chapter! I admit that is definitely my worst chapter by far, due to it being my first and also being prior to taking on a rather strict editor for a few weeks. I think you'll find that they get better as you get deeper into the story, especially after chapter 4. Anyhow, thanks for the advice. You'll no doubt be pleased to hear that I've just finished reading your first chapter (quite literally, just.)

Now I've gotta go find my co-author's OC and write it into a terrible and gruesome death.

Oh, and if you find all-pony fics unattractive...

I can assure you, this is anything but an all-pony fic.

2058216

Well, that was a doozy! Response time!

I admit, the reader's connection with Dissy never even occurred to me until, about.... chapter eight-ish. I also know that emotion is my biggest problem; it was brought to my attention around chapter five and I've been focusing on adding feels since then.

As to the foreshadowing: I intentionally make it obvious because, as I think about it, that's the point of foreshadowing. Otherwise, it's not really foreshadowing. Also, it would be hard for me to mention the Breaks without it being obvious foreshadowing seeing as the whole story is about leaving Equestria, but I can see your point.

I have read Fallout Equestria and it is in fact a major inspiration for me. When I have trouble, I often look to scenes from Fo:E or Project Horizons. I also am a big fan of End of Ponies, and always hope that it will be finished.

I am pleased that you got my reference with Nix. Or at least I think you did. Final Fantasy, right? I didn't even know about Nyx until my co-author brought it up. Coincidentally, my co-author also wanted the foreshadowing with Nix and Dissy to be more obvious.

I also like Moon Dream. Poor, poor Moon Dream.

Thanks for the review! I suppose we're doing this for each chapter then? That'll be a doozy, but I'm up for it.

Golden 'I also can do middle names' Wing42

2059068 Responses to your last comment, then my review on chapter four.

The crux of foreshadowing though is that if you make it too obvious, it becomes predictable, and henceforth boring. You do have a point though that you had to bring up The Breaks as part of the story, and part of foreshadowing 101 is that you have to bring something up, even if it's ambiguous or shrouded, in order to allude to it coming into play in the future. So at least you have the establishment down and avoid the amateur error of pulling things out of your ass. On the flip-side, if you over-play it, again... obvious = predictable ≥ boring. Or at the very least, there's no surprise, so even if it's still good, it can be a bit of a let down.

This isn't limited to just your story, this is just a rule of writing in general. For example, The Games We Play actually has this problem. Even considering it's an otherwise stellar fiction, fully deserving of its EqD five-star rating, and so good in fact it's actually changed my perspective on life and relationships, but one of it's major devices of mystery and intrigue is blown way too early, and becomes so painfully obvious that I found myself growing impatient for Dash to learn what I'd figured out eleven chapters ago. (I have to admit though that the build-up was still so fantastic that the climax still had it in spades when Dash learns the truth.)

Like you said in your review of 'What If...' remember that the audience is going to be actively putting all these pieces together as they're reading; they're not stupid... unless we're talking about the dolts who keep funding more Fast and the Furious movies with their blithering, repeated theater attendance.

Want an amusing rant? Flag down Brian (older brother/co-writer) on the rare occasion he's on and ask him why he hates those movies so much, and watch him go for ten minutes about everything he loathes in those films. The fact that he understands good story-telling as much as he does (as 'Waiting for a Train on Mobil Avenue' will prove) and that he makes his living as an auto mechanic just makes his hate that much more legit.

I've gotten off topic.

I got that the name Phoenix Down is a Final Fantasy reference, but I didn't get that Nix was supposed to make it a double FF ref. (Alluding to the summon in FFXIII, right?) And the one about Nyx threw me for a total loop, because I didn't know if this was supposed to be rooted deep in the future of the Past Sins universe or... what. I'd have brought it up last time, but there are only so many things I can cover in a message that takes to hours to write.

So it would seem. I left that first review just to prove that I'd actually started reading, but it didn't feel appropriate to only review the first chapter. So I guess we are doing a chapter by chapter review on each others' story. Huh. This is a first for me too.

Which brings me to my review for chapter four... wow, holy sht, color me impressed, you weren't kidding; it really does pick up in this chapter. In fact, you've almost left me without anything to complain about... almost. Though even the things that I can still gripe about are just issues I've already complained about and that you clearly seem to have addressed, because it just comes across as a weak spot as opposed to feeling like I'm being assaulted with giant stalks of celery that went rancid and slimy months ago.

Should probably get that out of the way first, but at this point, it's not as much an issue and it'd be almost redundant to keep bringing it up. Yeah, I've still got a disconnect with Dissy, and you already know it by now. Still around mostly just to be a camera head and still a wasted opportunity or two to get some development or an attachment out of him by making us feel what he feels instead of just flat-out telling us. A big one is him grieving the loss of Moon Dream; there could've been this great way of eliciting the feels from the reading by getting us to feel Dissy sorrow by getting front-row seats to his connection to Moon. Alas, all we get is, "I cried almost every day the first week."

I also feel there was a bit of a missed opportunity for further fleshing out the rest of the cast by showing them during a little bit of down time; like the poker game from chapter two, but instead setting the mood for the concern and uncertainty in the face of venturing into the unknown without the supplies or equipment to safely do so. This also could've been a great way to further mesh Phoenix into the crew, but I'm guessing they'll be plenty of that to come. Still would've been nice here. It's just a stylistic preference, and I think we've established that my style can be summarized as 'use more words.'

But these are actually just minor issues, and the chapter as a whole is, to be honest, pretty damn good. In fact, I'm rather floored by how it's so abruptly gone from something that I was having to force myself to trudge through almost just out of courtesy to something that I actually enjoyed, and find myself looking forward to more. The interaction between the crew members is top-notch and gives the impression that they're all very acclimated to each other. Even though I would've liked to see it drawn out further, I really get the sense that a lot of time has passed just going over all the things that they end up doing during their week on the ship, and the weight of that time does have some substance even considering you don't go over in thoroughly. You've gotten better at learning how to show over tell, and this shines even in simple places like when you reveal a bit more of Ember's pyromania when she lites that bird up.

Even Dissero has improved. While he's still a stone's throw or two from really drawing me in, his exposition/narration is much better written and isn't tripping over itself from how awkward and fumbling it is. He's becoming more of a legitimate character, even considering that when he said "I felt useless," my thoughts were; "Much like you've been for this entire story. " So far. But he is improving.

“I think Omega would be a rather fitting name,” Stormslider said.

Well, we've got our fic title!

And look; we've even got Chekhov's Guns! And they're actually guns! Isn't that dandy?

Furthermore, you do a great job of immersing me in the setting. I really got a sense of what it's like to be on this ship and for the kinds of things to come, notably with the 'Welcome to the Outer World; Now Die, Mofos' welcoming committee.

Oddly enough, my favorite part about this chapter is actually the encounter with the fish. In that one shot scene you perfectly emphasize the unknown dangers of the Outer World, both with the abrupt appearance of the threat and the threat itself, and it does so without Dissero pointing out how dangerous it is. In fact, this is actually a very good use of the first person perspective. Through his eyes, I can see myself on the command deck of the ship, looking at this ungodly massive monster of a fish, glaring at me hatefully as I have a "... holy shit, we could've just been eaten" moment. Well done, really. I'm impressed.

Keep this up, and I might actually have to add this story to my favorites.

- Christian 'Enjoy 'Chaos Lives in Everything,' sucker' Harisay

2093543

Aww, shucks. Stop it, you.

Nix has nothing to do with Nyx from Past Sins. My co-author actually pointed out to me that I had a character who seemed to be from Past Sins and asked me if I did it on purpose. I didn't.
Though, I did consider making Moon Dream a distant direct descendant of Nyx to explain his unusually dark coat. In the end, I didn't put it in because, well, it'd be pointless and was hard to get in there. Although my fic's universe is largely original, it is most similar to the timeline established in the Hearth's Warming Eve tale.

I think you'll find that my writing gets better over time. This is heavily dependent on things people have told me as I write. A friend pointed out after reading chapter 4 that my fic lacked emotion, so I started to focus on that (you'll see it really come into play at the end of 5). Later on someone mentioned having trouble connecting to Dissy, and I've been trying to work that in too.

One of my big problems with this fic is making sure that Dissy isn't too effective during these initial stages, but at the same time not making him more of a total wimp than he actually is.

I wouldn't call those Chekhov's Guns, though... they're more like a way to keep the crew alive without stretching the reality of my fic. A crutch, you could say.

I think this reviewing thing is going to be a lucrative relationship for both of us.

Golden 'I think you'll find Ch 5 to be a doozy' Wing42

How much money do I get if I were to correctly say the city's called New New. Yo dawg I heard you like names...and there's a gun in my face. 'S cool.

And...bear and wolf slavery? Indentured servitude? Tempting fate, much?

"What were the chances that every griffon in the Outer World was out to get me, anyways?" Same question for you, Dissero. ಠ_ಠ

"Wolves sat together in small groups, discussing recent news and watching passerby." Watching others pass by? Watching passively? Watching women and whistling like mad? I just don't know daddy-o.

The Hub. It can happen! It being...violent and painful death. ಠ_ಠ

"each standing at one of five streets, and each staring eachother down." Each other is two words. I can almost hear the screaming already.

...is it bad that I laughed hard when Trick turned out to be a whore? Boy oh boy Dissero I hope your charms don't land you in deeper doodoo than you're already in.

So what do I think about the chapter? Interesting stuff. Exe was a bro, which is funny. I wrote that -REDACTED- before reading this chapter so I found it really...something...when he appeared. Great minds think alike or am I being presumptuous? Anyway, one more chapter to go.

and Patience.Exe has stopped working. Hmm, where did I put my seppuku sword...

.

Wait, The Hub?

I lol'd.

This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.

Name of Story: Omega (chapter 12)

Grammar Score (out of ten): 9

Pros:

1) Your description of New (and its different factions) is meticulously detailed. I'm picturing it in my mind rather vividly
2) >Dfw he realises Trick's "profession"
3) Old mate Baron again rears his ruthless existence. Dissy just can't catch a break, can he?

Cons:

1) I really don't like Slick's attitude, but that's just a personal thing.
2) Couple more grammar-nazi irks for me.
3) Nothing

Notes:

Finally, we arrive in New. Exe shows more charity, Dissero gets himself into shit again and a dangerous enemy is revealed once more... I'm hoping Dissy manages to find at least someone familiar in this cruel world.

The defining feature of The Hub was the volume. It was loud. Half of the main room was dominated by griffon mercs, exchanging stories, drinking, eyeing any females they saw suggestively and the members of other merc flocks suspiciously. I saw a couple of recusant mares dancing on their tables, false smiles painted over their disgust as the mercs howled their approval. At one table in a dark corner, three bears drank together quietly, offering Exe a respectful nod when they noticed him. The rest of the place was a mixture of gargoyles, zebra, and wolves. They ate, they drank, and they were generally rowdy.

Getting tri Mos Eisley Cantina/Jabba's Palace/Rabanastre Sandsea Bar reminiscence here.

Passing a few silent doors and one that exuded some passionate thumping, we stopped before our room.

You’re not working for the Baron, are you?” I felt my heart skip a beat.

As did I. Damn, his reach is long indeed...

Some more loose strands that my exceptionally fine-toothed comb picked up:

We had passed a sign a few minutes ago, with one arrow pointing west labeled simply with ‘New,’ and I’d been questioning him about it for the past hour.

Hmmm. A whole hour? Their opening dialogue in this chapter suggests that they only just started talking about it. Not to mention that Exe doesn't appear to have anywhere near that amount of patience.

Most of the passerby was on foot.

Passers-by were. I would have also said something about "foot" but then I remembered there are many races. 3 total instances of this.

The buildings here were small, sparse, and run-down.

drop the second comma.

We’re all ready, and we kind’ve need to do it tonight.”

Ah, this again.

I'm predicting some uber-conflict up ahead. Once more, you've instilled fear into me about the "plan". I hope Dissy comes out of it alright... Wow, you've really made me feel for him as a character. Fine work, sir.
Adren