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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Name of Story: Omega (chapter 8)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) A return to the crew of the Omega. I'd begun to think you'd forgotten about them.
2) Dem Equestrian stallions, huh? They may be soft and delicate compared to the recusants, but they make up for it in spades with their "loving" ability.
3) Whoa man, wurms and raptors? I did not expect those...
Cons:
1) Tiny little grammar gripes again (you're keeping a handle on it mostly though, good to see).
2) I think Hunter was rather reckless to not stay with Dissy on the hunt, especially if he knew the dangers.
3) Eenope.
Notes:
DAMN, SON.
I found this funnier than you probably intended.
As evidenced above, I enjoyed this chapter in a different way. It was nice to get a little bit of comic relief for our hero, after the trials he's faced and the hardships, but you didn't detract from the feel of the story overall.
The hunt was a little weird for me, though. Not sure why exactly. I think I was just shocked that raptors of all things exist in this faraway land. That, as well as the fact that Dissy found himself rather awkwardly alone. I really think Hunter should have kept a closer eye on him.
Beware of Baron...
I found this scene highly amusing, for a reason you will (hopefully) realise on your own soon...
Here's a suggestion and a mistake I found:
Feel twice in the same sentence. Not an error, but consider "I can just tell that if he were dead, I would... feel it."
I see what you were going for, but kind've doesn't work at all, I'm afraid. You're trying to shorten "kind of" not "kind have".
Be back again soon!
Adren