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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Watch me try to be concise, and watch me fail miserably at it!
Yeah, you've had this one a long time coming. My apologies for another delay, I know I've been owing you a review since you left that nice comment on chapter four. But seeing as how you've rewritten the whole thing (and nullified most of my previous chapter reviews in the process...), I think it fitting to look over what you've done with your story, and see how it fares up with the first draft (Or as much of it as I can remember, that is).
I read from the prelude up to chapter four, so I'll cover that much.
The good news, is that it's a lot better. The first chapter does a much better job of introducing us to our merry mess of misadventuring mares and stallions, and Dissero is much less of a camera head. Their characters are deeper, personalities given a little extra flavor, and over all are much more relatable sympathetic, and interesting.
Best of all, most of the poor writing from the first drafts of the first two chapters are gone. The Inner City is presented much more as it should have been; as a shit cocktail that no sane or moral being would want anything to do with. The insufferable life of a slave is presented a little better (though it could still use a little work), and the ignoble depravity of the heinous acts committed by an ivory tower villain are much more fitting for one as vile as he.
Speaking of which, introducing the first big bad behind the curtain was a wholly wise move. He was still memorable enough even when he showed up so late that he could've been Orson Wells in The Third Man (Have I used that joke already?), and before he was just a big bad that we only ever heard about, and comprehended his wickedness through what he's indirectly doing to the protagonists. Even then he was still a much better villain than Sombra, and no, I am never letting that the fuck up! But this time around, not only to I get a sample of his character much earlier on, but I fucking hated him almost from the start. The longer your reader despises the antagonist, the better. And I'm not shy to admit... fuck, those superficial executions were hard to read.
On the matter of that, the desperate, ends-justify-the-means cause of the rebels in the face of the predominant monster that is the Inner City, along with the way it desensitizes our protagonists, is a much better set-up for the conflict in the Outer World, I feel.
And the mental image of Silver, drunk of his ass while flying an experimental airship was fucking hilarious.
Unfortunately, it still has problems. And quite a few.
Probably the biggest one is the prelude. So I guess we have another similarity between us now; we've both got only one, terribly under appreciated long-fic to our names, and both of those stories have a prelude the other thought was mostly pointless. Maybe this is just because I have limited perspective of the story compared to you, but I found the whole entry unnecessarily vague. Sure, it puts more pieces on the board earlier on; some pony seer, some bronze artifact thing that in my mind looks like a combination of a symbol of a compass and the glyph of Phyrexia, griffons, some thing that you didn't visually describe well (that's another demerit), some plot against Equestria, and somehow DISSERO(?!) is supposed to be the lynch pin that foils it? But even with all the blatantly obvious set-ups, all those things are just thrown out there with so little context that it's hard, if not impossible to attach more significance to them than "wait and see what they'll mean in the future."
Seriously, if it wasn't for what knowledge I do have of the story, I wouldn't have been able to piece as much together as I did... and what I did doesn't account for a whole lot. I don't even know where this is taking place; I'm assuming Outer World because of the griffons, but there's no way of knowing that for certain, and that stipulation is based of knowledge I have chapters and chapters in advance. We're not even given a clear-cut reason to care about either side; it's pretty much operating off protagonist biased that because the seer is a pony, and these griffons are in her way, she's the good guy, they're the bad guys. But at best, that's hollow writing, because in the prelude, nothing about them has been established and no connection to the audience has been made. As much as I hate to say it, it's sort of like the presumptuous good guy/bad guy line that was drawn between the crystal ponies and Sombra, and no, I will not recede, my hatred of the season three premiere is unfathomable!
Also, Moon Dream and Old Ironhide are still missing their marks with me. Maybe this is just my problem, but I'm not connecting with them enough to the point where Moon's supposed death (because I'm still not convinced he's actually dead) hits with the tragedy of loss, and thus I don't feel indignant when Nix gives us some spout of exposition that he knew about the rebels plans, but because he kept quiet, Moon is dead. And if it was even possible, his suicide seems even more baseless than it did last time around.
This is more of a meta issue, but how the Hell is Baron keeping not only his entire operation, but an entire city of slaves hidden? And you can't just say that he's bribed enough of the right people, because some of them aren't playing his game. Hasn't any one of those public servants gone to either of The Sisters and been like "This shadow figure tried to bribe me; I think you should look into it," and then this inevitably leads Celestia and Luna to Inner City, which they rip apart with the Wrath of God and personally deliver Robber Baron on a one-way trip to Hel? Makes no sense.
From there, it's just little issues in places; like the crew still referring to a hand of cards as a "hand of cards," there was one paragraph somewhere in chapter four where you missed the space bar to badly that you hit the tab key, and how... in the fuck... do you have the rebels steal an entire crate of moon stones... and yet the don't have a squad of Nidoqueens, Nidokings, Cefables, and Wigglytuffs?! Where the fuck is Nidotuff Fable party?!
Still present issues aside, the rewrite has so far been well worth it, and the story is more enjoyable as a result. Congratulations.
- Christian '1100 words is concise' Harisay
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Aww, you're gonna look at my rewrites, too? You're too kind. Really, you shouldn't have.
I'm glad that things are reading better. This was, after all, my goal. The prelude is admittedly still a problem, but honestly as long as it inspires just enough interest to get people past the (in my opinion) dull beginning of Ch. 1 and into the more gripping stuff, I'm satisfied. It seems that most of the issues in the beginning are with the prelude, which is kind've good, because it'd be way worse if they were in the story proper.
Maybe I'll write a new one... again. Or just take it out entirely.
And I've kept my eye on the whole issue of "wtf how has nobody found out about Harmony?" That is, in my opinion, the largest plot hole in my story. Luckily, you're supposed to ask that, and I've set up answers down the road that I think make sense. I even added hints about it, in the beginning of Ch. 4.
Excellent, everything is going according to plan...
I'm afraid I have nothing witty to put here for you. Oh well.
-Golden 'Witless' Wing
I haven't even read this thing yet and I like it, and by like it I mean its original and you obviously care about it. I mean come on!
And yet only 19 followers? Consider me your 20th, I might blog this thing too.
You deserve many more views!
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Well, actually though I only have 19 followers I have around 45 readers, and that's what really matters to me.
If you think it's long now...hehehe...
I'm about a sixth of the way through.
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Okay, here's my review based off of what I've been able to read.
I'm in love with this thing in every sense of the word for quite a few reasons, firstly the setting slightly reminds me of a Steampunk fiction I have in the makings called 'Morality'. While the similarities are rather small as Morality has a heavier background on divinity and redemption of sin, there are enough to make me smile. As well as how there are a large amount of things Omega shares with Last Night - are you living inside my head, dude?
The characters! Man oh man, I just love the ponies you've crafted for this. I can see the effort behind each and every personality, the carefully chosen dialogue made to fit the story and most importantly the realism. They are believable in their actions which as a fellow author really does pull me in quite a lot, I always try to make my characters seem real and I'm so glad I'm not the only one who nitpicks with this and that to achieve it.
The whole plot however remains clouded to me, while I cannot argue with how well done it is, and I'm sure it becomes clearer later on, as of now I'm at a loss for words as how you've scripted this - that's a good thing by the way. I seem to be falling in love with this bit by bit...
Consider me your new fan and friend! Because colour me guilty I really like this.
If you ever want to talk writing stuff send me a PM, or add me on skype at 'jokerisbestpony'! I love to talk about my ideas and discus those of other people, compare and swap examples ect. I just love to talk to cool people like you, really.
Cheers, and I can't wait to see how you end this.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 16)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 8
Pros:
1) The chase is on! But in all seriousness, the Omega must have been a super-fast ship, to stay out of range with minimal power for so long.
2) A beast-warrior and his axe. Still a better love story than Twilight.
3) That city... what a view that would be. If one weren't currently being shot at!
Cons:
1) Grammar took a real dive here. I'm guessing you were sleepy that night.
2) I'm beginning to consider Nix more like baggage again. I hope you need to make her somewhat useful again soon, because she's just failing as a character for me.
3) Welp, that's it.
Holy... poop on a stick. The ship's in worse shape than I thought. Actually, scratch that, she's fcked. Poor, poor Omega. I hope she gets repaired, somehow. But you know, when your ship is beginning to feel more like a character than one of the other characters, that's a sign that you need to work on the latter, somehow. I like Phoenix Down, I do. But she's serving minimal purpose in this group. Okay, so she's saved Cleaver that one time. How much does everypony else do, by comparison?
I'm hoping so, so much that one of the colossal guns wrecks the Alpha Wolf's (and Ashfall's) shit. Dammit, he's really getting on my nerves. But! this is a good thing. Every story needs villains and conflict; short of having old mate Baron chase them himself, Ashfall is a great antagonist. A very determined, formidable foe.
Now, to business:
x2 space.
Drop the final comma. Also, doesn't over work better than under?
Either x2 space or missing comma.
I think somepony was tired when he wrote this chapter.
x2 space.
Drop the apostrophe.
Drop the second comma.
No capital A. Until now, your dialogue punctuation has been truly flawless.
x2 space. Was your keyboard playing up this night?
What secrets does the sprawling hive of intrigue, Harvest, hold for our heroes? How will they even survive their imminent crash landing? I'm sooo excited for this next one!
Adren