Page generated in 0.021 seconds
Total duration
844 users online
1,406,184 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I don't have time to read this right now, but I'm adding this to favourites because it seems right up my street.
2093543
Finally! Someone else who can attest to the 'twist' in 'The Games We Play' being unbelievably obvious. When I first started reading I honestly thought that we (the readers) were supposed to know the secret identity. I had no idea that it was supposed to be a mystery, and I was shocked even more that people were guessing incorrectly and/or being blown away by the so-called 'revelation'. Still one of the best fics I've read, though.
1985207
*Comes onto random fic out of curiosity. Sees Prolet*
Well... It's a small world after all!
2110544
Oh yeah, Cleaver's always fine when he has vodka.
At least, that's worked so far. He hasn't been outside Equestria before.
2110786
If by intentional, you're asking if I meant to use "hay" instead of "hey"...
then yes.
2110888
I think she might scorch you if you tried that. Caution. Flammable substances.
2112869
Oh, but why not? Blood is cute. Adorable. In a creepy, annoying little sadistic sister kind've kleptomaniac way.
I didn't even see that. >> Time to write a gruesome death for my editor's favorite character!
Glad you're enjoying the fic! I'm surprised that you made those two pieces of fanart after only having read one chapter. I mean gee. I think you might be my biggest fan.
I'm going to have to re-read the chapter to find the physics reference, but by Celestia's curly beard I definitely found the gaming reference. So out of curiosity does Dissero now have more lives than a bag of cats? Also, great chapter please keep up the good work.
2116560
I'll give you a hint: it's something that Trick says.
And no, Dissy doesn't have all those lives because he didn't follow the cheat right. He got lost, remember? Silly Dissy.
Also, there's a special treat for you in Ch13. Remember how you mentioned Dissy and the crew being at odds when they reunited? Hehe... it got me thinking...
Let's just say you changed the plot abit there...
You described this as a comic relief chapter. To me, it was anything but. This is the first chapter that seriously annoyed me, but that might be a good thing. A reader's reaction is better than no reaction at all, and it's even better when the reaction isn't just "I like this, keep going." With that said, I'll go into detail about what I thought about this chapter and the story as a whole.
First off: Dissero's part in all of this.You know, after going through as much shit as Dissero's gone through and sitting through a terrible poker game and then being jerked around in a plan I had no idea what role I played, I would have just left. Is Dissero too much of a nice guy or does his complex about being useless make him strive for any bit of praise and acceptance where he can get it? Even if said praise and acceptance came from a trio comprised of two career criminals and a whore?
Secondly: his aversion to killing. I get it, but he has no one to blame but himself. He should have known better than to have wandered into the alley with a stranger, especially in the Outer World. Hell, even the wilderness can be safer than a big city. I really hope Dissero cuts ties with those recusants, pronto. They seem all nice and friendly but they blatantly manipulated him and used him. To anyone with a brain, that's a friendship-sinker right there.
But maybe Dissero does have that complex of his.
Thirdly: You just don't shoot someone with good intentions. Even if the hit isn't instantly fatal, it can easily kill over time. If not, then it can cripple the target for life. This is especially true for arrows; which unlike bullets, can't be removed the way they go in without causing even more damage.
So in his effort to be merciful, he ruined the lives of dozens of griffons and participated in the slaughter of dozens more because he was the dumbs. Ain't that life?
So my thoughts on Omega;
It is a really good dark take on FiM with the steampunk/crapshire world being an awesome setting. Its main character...has his merits. But then he fucks up like he did in the last few chapters and you can't help but feel pressing disappointment in him. This is good. If he can recover from one of his lowest lows, then I would be glad to continue reading.
"Son, I am disappoint, but I am willing to see you improve. So you better fucking improve, you little shit! D:<"
Footnote: "The other stallions rose their voices, quickly talking over her as they expressed their approval of the new betting chip." Raised?
2122268
Dissy helped them for two reasons:
1. He's just a nice fellow who kind've lacks real backbone, especially in the presence of people who kill like they do
2. They didn't really give him a chance to say no. He just got kind've caught up in all of it.
Also, I don't think this is at all his lowest low. He doesn't even have any real power yet. Hell, he's hardly seen anything.
2122502
Hasn't seen anything yet. Oh dear...
2122573
Yes, he's still on the west coast. The west coast is much more tame than the rest of the Outer World, due to vicinity to and trade with Equestria.
Just wait till the Animus get some more story time.
2122649
Will there be more ghost orbs/obelisks to look forward to as well? :P
2122660
Yes, they're actually very important, though only that one in particular comes in orb form.
You'll see what they are in about 3 or 4 chapters. Total Chekhov's Gun.
2122688
Sweet. Looking forward to it. (Sorry for the long delay. Was busy drawing some more art.)
2095443 Gah, my apologizes for the extensive delay. Been busy with work, daily necessities, working on a new painting, and I just had my youngest brother over for a weekend to see In Flames. Because we fcking LOVE In Flames.
That's what I thought, but then that brings up an issue with the timeline; Moon mentions that Nyx is his quadruple-plus great grandmother (and that the black coat is hereditary because of her), so that gave me the impression that this takes place in the future, but then you said this is based off the Hearth's Warming Eve timeline, but then does that mean it takes place in the past or...
Grunt is befuddled... and me not even know what 'befuddled' mean!
Anyway, I did figure that this was a 'steel thyself' story for Dissero, and I just felt like making a Chekhov's Gun joke. Our writing gets better the more we learn, too; you just read ahead into parts we haven't polished up yet.
Okay, onto my review. I actually read this chapter a while ago, it's just that like I said, I've been busy.
I liked the little flashback at the beginning; gives some depth into Dissero's character with an appropriately timed flashback, and one that isn't dependent for the story to continue. Nice move, by the way; I usually hate it when a story relies on them. (And I mean hate.)
When you mentioned the sound of hooves, I thought you were going to go with a more exotic approach and use something like hippogriffs. A little unsure of these so-called Recusants. By the way, what was with the decision to have the watered-down profanity for the first few chapters and then throw it out the window with Outer World? Going for some juxtaposition there?
Am I reading this right; he's been stuck with them for weeks? Where the Hell is the rest of his crew? Didn't they go looking for him?
*checks on the crew of Omega*
Oh... that explains it.
*deep inhale* Mmm, I love the smell of foreshadowing in the morning.
Okay, I get it.
I do have a few other little problems with the chapter. For one, it says he's been there for weeks, but it doesn't really feel like weeks since it brushes over so quickly. And is it really appropriate to first-person narrate Dissero checking out some of these mares? Bit of an atmosphere-killer if you're going for being on-edge in a hostile and alien environment. Oh, and giving any credit to Baron with these 'at least's isn't doing him any favors in establishing him the main antagonist, especially when we didn't even see him during that entire poorly-written year that they were in slavery.
Overall, it's not badly written; much better than chapters two and three (a bit below four), but it could use some tightening in the nuts and bolts in places. It does do some things right, like presenting the bandit faction and giving some good depth and variety to the characters, from the short-tempered bastard, Blitz, to the surprisingly cordial Hunter. And oddly enough, though it doesn't outright say it, I'm left with the suspicious feeling that these equines are some of the closest beings to 'good guys' that we'll ever see out here.
But I've got to say, save for the language, this story has been relatively tame for mature standards; most we've seen so far has been Silver getting crippled, a shot-up pony, and Moon Dream getting 'killed' (still don't think he's dead; never saw a body), but it hasn't really played up to that gory benchmark like you said it would.
*gets to the last thousand words*
.
..
...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
Holy fck.
Blood is now reminding me of a cross between Red Velvet, Pinkie's evil clone from the ungodly long Crisis: Equestria, and of the murderous Pinkie Pie that Red velvet was based off of from a fan fiction that I shall not do justice by calling it by name but that you now instantly know what I'm taking about... Red Velvet and Pinkie in the fic that shall not be named are two characters I don't like to be reminded of. Really puts a much more chilling retrospective thinking back to all the times that Blood was staring at Dissero and the rest of the comments from the bandits about her; nice job with the fridge horror there.
But then it drops the ball a bit with the whole 'Colonel confiding in Dissy' part. This story establishes her as tough, no-nonsense, ends justify the means when the means equals survival type character. She says it herself, she doesn't believe in good bad bad anymore. But then when she admits to Dissero that she's an old mare, filled with regret; waiting to die alone, it just seems to jar with her character... especially when she says she spends every night wishing she could take it back, or worse, kill herself. That doesn't really seem cohesive for her character design, and it especially doesn't seem feasible that someone like her would contemplate suicide... and that kind of information isn't something you just up and share with a pansy-assed softy that you've only known for a few weeks.
Maybe you're trying to play her as the anti-hero who's got more good in them than they give themselves credit for. but even if that's the case, I still feel it's overplayed... like, way, way overplayed. Hell, I feel bad for bringing this up, but I thought Grief by LunaUsesCaps dealt with the issue of a character having thoughts of suicide as a secret better than this did.
I take that back; I feel awful for bringing up Grief, because that story was fcking awful.
And that's my review. Now I venture onwards into the dangerous territory of chapter six... and you've got another segment of an over-written, unedited swamp to slog through now.
- Christian 'Make me understand you're there for me' Harisay
2140811
I'll just be solid, here. It's in the future. Roughly 200 years, or so. Also, it's not based on the Hearth's Warming timeline, it is similar to it; to be more specific, the Hearth's Warming timeline is what all the Equestrians think is true, but the historians skipped something rather important. Oh, and when I say based on, I mean that's the backstory.
The recusants are a rather important part of the world. Their presence will be explained later. Also, feel free to look up recusant; it's a word! My co-author suggested it.
(They were originally far ponies, which in retrospect is quite stupid)
The rest of the crew... well, you'll see in chapter seven. They were considered, and it was decided that finding a pony after he falls off an airship, in the aftermath of the hardest battle (and for most of them only) they've ever fought, in an unknown land, is difficult. Especially when said pony gets picked up within a day.
The Baron, for the record, is not the main antagonist. He's abit too small scale.
You are correct in your suspicions. With the exception of a select few others, that clan of murdering, thieving bandit recusants is about as close to good as it gets. Lucky Dissy.
I am quite proud of the bit with Blood. That little scene at the end is a hint of what is to come, and a brief display of just how cruel I intend for the Outer World to get. I don't recall Colonel contemplating suicide... hang on, lemme check... oh, I see it. It's not that she's suicidal as much as she regrets her actions so much that, in retrospect, she would've let herself die instead of going through with it again.
As far as she's concerned, it's too late for her. She puts on a strong face so that she can do all the things she doesn't want her clan to have to do, such as the interrogations.
Her confiding in him, as well as her making him watch, is a warning. She recognizes his innocence and values it as something she no longer has. As the very motherly figure she is to those under her care, being one of the few good-hearted people in the Outer World, she hopes she can motivate him to get back to Equestria while he still can. At least, with his sanity.
He won't of course. Colonel is written to be a sort of living prophecy of what he himself is going to become.
Enjoy chapter six!
Golden 'Dead Space 3 is fun' Wing
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Omega (chapter 13)
Grammar Score (out of ten): 9
Pros:
1) Am I still reading a My Little Pony fanfiction? Or a Grand Theft Auto fanfiction? Damn, this was a great chapter.
2) Character development continues! Or maybe, character devolution?
3) Well disguised references. I approve.
4)* Pick, Slick and Trick are freaking lunatics!
Cons:
1) Pick, Slick and Trick are freaking lunatics!
2) Itty bitty grammar-ness-es
3) Trick seems just a little too good at pulling stallions, even if it is her special talent.
Notes:
Woo! A "casino-heist" chapter! I love these in stories. What really stood out to me among the killing, action, humour and seduction though, was the personal war that Dissero seems to be waging within himself. Okay, sure, one must use any means necessary to survive in this world. Until now, he'd mostly been spared. But going from a completely innocent mindset, to one of "embracing the chaos" in the speed that he did... Most often, people would consider this pacing far too fast for believable character development (allude to my previous referrals to Jason Brody in FC3), but given the situation, you pulled it off rather well. It wasn't a choice, it was a necessity. I'm definitely drawing parallels to what Colonel told him before, during the torture scene. Please, just let him keep his sanity, I don't want him becoming a cold, calculating killer.
Personally, though they be great characters in their own rights, I really hope I don't see the "ick" family again. They were simultaneously good and bad. Unfortunately, their thuggish ways override their humour for me. Yes it's the "Kill-or-be-killed" mentality showing in them, but like Dissero said, they really don't have to kill everyone they associate with. I think it's best that Dissero and co. don't see them again. It's not a healthy attitude to have, or live with.
Clever. That's all I'm saying about that.
About time Dissero got some cheat codes for life! I'm guessing it made his accuracy flawless.
Oh, well done with your x2 meaning here. Not only is it a literal thing he wants to avoid, but it reinforces his lingering aversion to killing.
Oh, you ignorant recusant. Laws of physics still apply. At least, in my headconon, a unicorn's levitation spell does not automatically dispel gravity. I imagine it would be fairly difficult for Dissero to lift bulk weights magically without feeling drained, just like if an Earth pony or pegasus were to get sore muscles from physically lifting something heavy. Tell me if I'm wrong in the context of this story, though.
Why is it only just clicking for me now that they're all related? I suddenly feel inadequate as a reader.
Hang on... How does Slick know how good she is in bed? ...uhh...
Okay, now for that segment I'm sure you're growing to hate:
Hyphen vs Dash. Four instances of this.
People? Hmmm. I'll put this one down to stylistic choice, but it still seems out of place. A couple instances of this, but if it's intentional, I won't nitpick further.
the, or a?
I'm actually really confused about the direction of the story now. Not in a bad way; there's just so many different POVs you could switch between. Will you stay with Dissy? Switch back to the Omega? Allude to the Baron? Revisit Colonel and Hunter's clan? Oh, the possibilities!
Continuing to enjoy,
Adren
*Extra, super-rare, fourth pro. You did good, bro.