Chapter 1
Chrysalis, Empress of the Great Wasteland, Queen of the Changelings, Mother of a Thousand Souls, was dying. Lying there, in some gods forsaken forest, she could feel her divine life energy pouring out, green blood pooling around her shattered body. Shifting her weight, she cried as she felt a spike of pain course throughout her body as broken bones pieced twisted muscles. Looking down at herself, she saw that her limbs were broken and twisted out of shape, and there, lying on the ground beside her, was a long, black, twisted stick. Chrysalis frowned at the familiar object, wondering where she had seen it before.
My horn! That’s my horn! It must have snapped off when I landed. By Tirek, can this day get any worse?
Sighing, she fluttered her tattered and now useless wings, wondering where it all went wrong. Her thoughts quickly turned to the disaster that was supposed to have been her wedding.
---
Earlier that day...
“Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, it is my great pleasure to pronounce you...” Princess Celestia was speaking, but Chrysalis wasn't paying attention, instead gorging on the love of the stallion besides her. The day was perfect, and with this marriage her children will have all the food they need. Suddenly, a voice she didn’t want to hear broke her thoughts.
“Stop!” Gasps echoed around the room as the ponies turned to look at the intruder—one Twilight Sparkle.
That damn unicorn! How did she escape? It doesn't matter, I still hold all the cards, Chrysalis thought to herself. “Ugh! Why does she have to be so possessive of her brother?” With a quick sob, she quickly made herself appear to be the victim. “Why does she have to ruin my special day?”
“Because it's not your special day. It's mine,” said a new voice. Chrysalis frowned. How did that stupid oh-so-perfect bitch escape! I knew I should have killed her! Well, no time like the present...
---
A chorus of voices in her head brought her back to the present. She noticed that the sun had traveled across the sky as evening approached. Returning her concentration to the voices, she realised that they were the telepathic cries of her children, the remnants of her changeling army.
Mother, help us...
It hurts...
Mummy, I’m scared...
Where are you?
Sush, little ones, Mother is here. Don’t worry, you’re safe now. Chrysalis continued to comfort the hoofful of her children that had survived the battle. Idly, her mind wandered back to the wedding...
---
Chrysalis was singing, an act she rarely took part in, but today was just too perfect not to.
“This day has been just perfect
The kind of day of which I've dreamed since I was small
Everypony I'll soon control
Every stallion, mare and foal
Who says a girl can't really have it all?”
As she finished the song, she turned around to find Cadance and Shining Armor standing next to each other.
“Wha- whe- huh? Is...is the wedding over?” The insufferable captain said, coming free of the mind control spell he was under. Chrysalis, giddy with power and victory, couldn’t care less.
“It's all over!” She cried, laughing at the poor fool. She noticed the unicorn talking out of the corner of her eye.
“Your spell! Perform your spell!” Twilight said to her brother.
Chrysalis laughed again. “What good would that do? My changelings already roam free.”
Shining Armor crouched down in front of her, his horn glowing as he prepared his shield spell, but it quickly faded away. “No! My power is useless now. I don't have the strength to repel them.”
Chrysalis looked away, ignoring the useless unicorn and instead observing the chaos as her children spread across the city, capturing ponies so that their love could be harvested. Yes, my children, hunt them down and feed! We will be unstoppable! Her thoughts were once again interrupted as she heard her prisoner talking.
“My love will give you strength,” Cadance said to Shining.
Chrysalis couldn’t help but laugh. “What a lovely but absolutely ridiculous sentiment.” Suddenly, her eyes grew wide as they began to glow and float in the air, pink energy flowing out of them in droves. Suddenly, there was a bright flash, followed by a swiftly expanding shield that picked Chrysalis and her changelings up and flung them out of Canterlot and into the forest below.
---
Chrysalis was once again drawn out of her memories by the sounds of her children, which were growing weaker and fainter as the day stretched on into night. A few voices had even disappeared outright, their owners having succumbed to their injuries.
Mother...
Shush, my children, everything is going to be fine. Chrysalis grimmanced. She hated lying to her children. A song her mother taught her when she was but a larva herself came to mind.
Hush now, quiet now
It's time to lay your sleepy head
Hush now, quiet now
It's time to go to bed
She kept repeating those lines over and over again, soothing her children's distress, as they slowly, one by one, died. Eventually, only one was left. Chrysalis gazed at the moon, amazed at her child's endurance, but eventually he too fell quiet, leaving Chrysalis, for the first time in her life, alone.
A thousand changelings...and I am all that is left. Curse those damn ponies. May they rot in Tartarus forever! Chrysalis felt anger burn through her body, anger at the ponies that had killed her children, and anger at the fact that she would die before she could get her revenge. Crying softly, her tears mixing with her green blood, she drifted of to a dreamless sleep beneath the cold and uncaring moon.
---
Waking up was both an unpleasant and unexpected surprise for the changeling queen. Ugh, my body hurts, she thought to herself, trying—and failing—to shake the morning dew off her nose. Accompanied by the birdsong which woke her up, her eyes glanced upwards, noting the position of the sun. Not yet noon. I wonder how much longer I can last, before even my divine body gives out. There was no emotion running through Chrysalis as she contemplated her death. She knew she was dying, and had accepted it as inevitable. To deny the end when it comes is foolishness. That was the advice her mother had given her, moments before Chrysalis tore out her throat, and she intended to die with as much dignity her broken body could muster.
Her eyes flicked back up to the sky, watching clouds lazily drift by. As a child growing up in the underground hive, the sky had always fascinated and amazed her with its infinite complexity and beauty. Secretly, she hoped that she could last until night, so that she would get one last look at the stars. Chrysalis, lacking anything else to do, began to draw shapes with the clouds. That one looks like a house, full of tasty prey. Over there is one that looks like a young mare, her love just waiting to be consumed. And that one looks like...Sister...
A rustling in some bushes to the side brought her back to reality. Oh gods, what is it now? A pack of timberwolves, looking for an easy meal? A cockatrice, cursed to turn everything it sees to stone? Maybe a manticore, enraged by the scent of blood? Chrysalis giggled grimly to herself at the prospect, coughing up more blood, the taste of copper flooding her mouth. Staring intently at the disturbance, she was caught off guard by what stepped out.
“Oh, you poor thing!” said a familiar yellow pegasus, rushing to Chrysalis’ side. “You're badly hurt!”
“You don’t say,” Chrysalis coughed through a sore throat, rolling her eyes. “I suppose, Fluttershy, that you're here to finish me off?”
Fluttershy jumped back with a squeak, hovering uncertainly in the air. “N-no!”
Chrysalis hacked up more blood and frowned. “I see, going to get your princesses to do for you? That’s cowardly of you.”
“No! None of that! I'm going to help you!” Fluttershy said, attempting to stomp her hoof. Unfortunately she was still in the air and ended up just flailing about in the changelings general direction.
“Why?” Chrysalis asked. “I am your enemy. I tried to kill you and your friends and overthrow your country? Why would you help me?”
“Sometimes we all just need to be shown a little kindness,” Fluttershy replied, landing besides the changeling and examining her wounds.
Chrysalis burst out laughing, which ended in a violent—and bloody—coughing fit. “Kindness is a weakness. Admit it—you feel guilty. You did this—you and your friends killed my children and broke my body! Its all your fault!”
Fluttershy flinched back at the venom in Chrysalis voice, but her glance away told Chrysalis everything she needed to hear. Oh yes, this one will be easy to twist to my purposes. Maybe I’ll get my revenge after all.
“Besides, I don’t see how you are going to be able to help me when I can’t even be moved—I doubt that you are strong enough to pick me up.”
Fluttershy bit her lip and looked from side to side. “Wait right here,” she said, before darting off into the woods.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes and spoke to the now empty clearing. “Oh, I am so glad you told me to wait. Otherwise I would have got up and walked away.” An eerie silence answered her back. Silence. How...strange. I have always been surrounded by noise, even if it was just the telepathic chattering of my children. Now that they are all dead...I feel...Empty. A flash of anger born of loneliness flashed through her. They will pay for this.
Her thoughts of revenge were stilled by Fluttershys return, the flighty pegasus leading a...bear? Huh, maybe she decided to finish me off after all.
Fluttershy was speaking to the bear as they approached the prone changeling. “Now Harry, be careful—she’s badly hurt. Yes, I know she is a changeling. No, I do not want you to hurt her, I want you to carry her to my house. If you don’t mind, that is...” The bear grumbled, but approached Chrysalis anyway. She frowned in apprehension as the bear bent over and made to grab her with his claws. As soon as his mighty paws met her torso, she let out a shriek of pain. Panicking, Harry dropped the changeling back onto the floor, crushing an already mangled leg beneath her body. The last thing Chrysalis saw before unconsciousness claimed her was Fluttershy flitting about the air in a panic. I wanted to see the stars again...
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This promises to be interesting. May you post much, and often.
1866167
I shall do my best!
And thanks for the fav!
Another additional for the stacks at Miskatonik library? Professor, you've done it again!
1866536
Thank you. Been hard to write, ever since the Dean cut me off from the restricted section.
At least, thats what he thinks...
fhtagn
Damn, that was good. I really felt for Chrysalis. I can't imagine all my children dying like that...
Great job.
1866599
Thats what I was aiming for. You'll hate her next chapter.
1866606 Most wonderful.
14 favourites. 8 upvotes.
Someones holding out on me.
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Discorded/Spike%20is%20Orphan/Rarity_crying1_S02E05.png
1867607
Yes, cry, cry your sweet tears of sorrow!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Irredeemable
Grammar score out of 10: 8- I think your grammar is pretty good for this one. I didn't notice much, but then again my commas are horrible and I was reading more for plot
Pros:
Chrysalis not redeemable? AWESOME!!!!! I'm tired of redeeming Chrysalis. I mean it is a nice genre, but after a while you get tired of it.
I liked the background descriptions and how Chrysalis is staring at them while she is dying.
For a first chapter you establsihed quite a bit of good information on her character.
Cons
I think she should feel more pain at the loss of all her children instead of just bitter acceptance, but this is your Chrysalis
Fluttershy finds her... it's kind of overused, but at the same time I can see why you did it (it's quite a minor con)
It's not really a con, but it's something you should watch out. Beware of making Chrysalis outright evil refusing to accept anything. (i'll elaborate in notes)
Notes Section:
What you should worry about now is that Chrysalis, is going to be changed in one way or another by the mane 6, that's kind of the point of the ELements of Harmony. If you just have her make the six fail and make them cry, it's just going to turn out to be a so-so story (though I don't think you're going to do that the way you're doing things). Keep the idea Chrysalis can't or maybe doesn't need to be redeemed, but make sure the reason she can't be redeemed is a good one that works to teach all the characters a good lesson. Either that, or you can make this a massive tragedy fic in which whatever the mane 6 does results in disaster and anybody reading this fic will get that the point of this fic is to make you miserable and to say that some villains can't be redeemed. At this point, you can go either way and i'm eager to see which one you choose.
The fic I would like you to read is called Remembering the Fallen. Some of my OCs appear in it, but briefly and you'll see why
1872333
Yeah, Fluttershy's introduction was just a framing device to continue the story. I'll go into more depth with it at later chapters. And yeah, I am not going to end it on a "Chysy ignores everything that has happend and makes the mane 6 fail". She is going to go through character development, yet remain a monster. Heck, I already have a bit of that—she comforts her children and sings them a lullaby, but then tells Fluttershy that Kindness is a weakness. Technicaly, she's refering to kindness to your enemies, but I am not sure that comes across. May cover it in a later chapter.
Huh, this fic reviewing thing is becoming a bit like a tennis game
1872654 IN a sense, but the tennis game ends up benefiting all authors who participate and even if the ball gets hit out of court it'll hit another author and he'll begin another game with another author = we all get likes, favs and reviews :D
What do you mean by remain a monster? As in remain unlikeable or a monster in the eyes of the Mane 6?
1872678
True enough. Everbody wins.
Good luck in your writing journey! I wish you the best, following this story as you go!
1872751
Thank you!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name: Irredeemable
Grammar: 9
Pros: The writing is solid, Creates interest for the reader to continue. Solid Idea for a story.
Cons: can't really think of any.
Notes: sorry if this isn't all that helpful of a review, but I look at a story more for plot than grammar or sentence structure. let me just say that I really like this Idea, This will be my first Chrysalis story I've read on the site. You have some great detail in describing what she felt. I like the fact that you have her comforting her children, as they die. Makes her more real I suppose, Lastly I like that you have Fluttershy taking care of her, she's my favorite of the mane six, also she's the only one that makes sense to be taking care of her.
Great story, looking forward to the next chapter. Don't forget to take a look at Guardian of the Hearthfire, and if you want Twas a Hearthwarming eve.
1885775
Thanks for the reveiw! Glad you liked it. I'll try to get the next chapter out snappish, but I am working on a fair few projects at the moment.
Guardian of the Hearthfire sounds really intersting. Can't wait to read it.
Edit—oh, and feel free to read my other stuff.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Irredeemable
Grammar score out of 10: 7.5
Pros:
- An interesting concept
- Excellent characterisation for both Chrysalis and Fluttershy
- Reasonable pacing
Cons:
- Occasionally misspellings. You've sometimes misspelled a word that you could likely catch with a spellcheck or a thorough read-through.
- Ellipses. There should almost always be a space after an ellipsis.
- The switches between times were a bit hard to follow. I had to go back and re-read certain parts to get which part of the wedding you were referring to.
Notes Section:
The concept is a good one, at is seems to be well portrayed. Your characterisation of the ponies was down to a point, and the general writing style was fairly advanced and well done. This seems like the story that I would look forward to reading more of, and so I've given it a like and a favourite.
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: Oldnew Luna
Dan
1891065
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it! Now I have got another story to review. Damn, but they are building up fast.
As for ellipsis, you can write them without the space. There are tons of ways of writing them, each as valid as the last. They're weird like that. (Or at least, that's what theWriting guide I am using tells me).
1891088 I don't mind if you don't read my fic, I'm only doing this because I felt like reading. On the note of ellipses, while you're correct in that they can be used in many different styles, the most common use - especially amongst fiction writing, is to put a space after it - just like many other things that people do in their fictions that's don't technically matter, or are wrong.
1891137
Hum, I'll consider putting in the space. Who knows, it may look better. As for your story, it turns out that I already started reading it at some point, but I must have gotten distracted and forgot to come back to it.
Please continue!