Omega, an orphan, has just woken from a coma. He is trying to remember how his life was. He does remember some minor things, but not enough for him to function properly. When he tries to deal with a major problem with himself, he does it in an... Unfavorable way. How far will the madness go?
Sorry about the cover image. I'm horrible at making pictures.
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Just a few things I noticed that might help you out.
'Pegasus' is the singular noun you're looking for. 'Pegasi' is the plural. Also remember that any line of dialogue ending with a tag (ex: 'says' or 'explained') needs a comma rather than a period before the quotation mark is added at the end of any given phrase. If you use a period, then you're just cutting the sentence off.
Another problem is that you need to organize your paragraphs more clearly. Whenever a perspective changes from one character to another, you need a new paragraph. Have the doctor say what he needs to, then do a paragraph break to describe Omega's response.
This is an interesting concept, from what I can see here. I would personally slow down the pace a little bit so that we can get to know Omega a bit more as a character, as well as his relationship to Applebloom.
1867975
Thanks for the tips, I like when people calmly tell me how to improve. Yeah, I think I was even confusing myself when I was writing some parts. I'm planning on having more testing on my OC to explain more, but if you have any particular questions, just ask and I'll try to explain as best as I can. I'll go back and edit the paragraphs with the doctor. I suck at pacing though, as many others have said I need to just slow down and explain things better.
It started off a bit creepy to me, but I am intrigued, and I plan to continue reading.
1899812Thanks for the comment! Is the creepiness good or bad? If you find the creepiness ok and you don't mind gore, maybe you could read my other story Cutie Mark Trials. Don't be suprised if there is a ton of gore in the last chapter I made, it's pretty disgusting (to me anyways). Can't say exactly when chapter 2 will be coming out for this, but expect it some time soon. Again, I hope I don't sound annoying, but if you have any specific questions about Omega, just PM me or comment.
1904732 I have no problem with creepy. I really only have a problem with startling things, because when I get startled, I get scared. Gore does not bother me much. The only story that bothered me for the gore is "The Rainbow Factory", and that was pretty much nonstop gore, but the premise may also have something to do with it. If it shifts to a bad creepy for me, I will let you know, but I read the story to the end, even if it creeps me out in a bad way. Good luck!
Ch. 2 was creepy, but it is still not a bad creepy, because he seems to be fighting what is going on in his head. I am still bother by the "adult" him, because of the way he acts. The end was creep, and I would have gotten out of there as fast as I could, just like him, as in I would not wait around and get out as fast as I could. "Adult" him is super creepy. can't wait for more
, and I hope it doesn't end the way I think it will 
.
1910430
Glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, older Omega is creepy, as in super pedo creepy. If you don't mind me asking, how do you think it will end? 
1910594 I Think it might end with younger Omega actually becoming what older Omega is, but I may be way off base here. it will still be an interesting idea if it ends like that, but I hope he can overcome this darker side of himself.
1910713
Well, the thing about that is that I was thinking that Omega would turn into that older version, except not as pedo-ush, and I'm thinking of a much worse ending. So... A little awkward, but I'd have to change a bit of my thinking to suit your thoughts. I hope you don't mind this, but the ending I'm thinking of will still be new I guess. So sorry if that broke any of your dreams. 
1910787
Hey, It is your story, and you should end it the way you want it. If I were to write a story, it would end the way I wanted it to end. you end the story the way you want to, and don't worry about they way your audience wants it to end. as long as you do that, it does not matter if I like the ending or not, I will respect you and your work. That said, even if it end in a way that creeped my out, I would enjoy it.
Basically, what I am trying to say is that I will be happy with the way you end it if it is the way you want to end the story. end it the way You want to, and don't worry about what people think.
"Dark" tag
Rusty corrugated metal pieces....
Reminds me of something...
thewaywardmoogle.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/38121293815880.jpg
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Never even thought of that. If only I played Silent Hill that far in.
I feel this story is really pushing the teen rating, with all the f-bombs, sex (Just look at chapter 2), and now gore. I won't change the rating until I feel like I need to, I'm just saying.
Dark, but at least he seems to be fighting his mind. Good job.