Braeburn comes to Ponyville to for Applejack's birthday. He decide's to stay a little longer but what is the reason for it?
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riachl
Joined 21st Nov, 2012 ·
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Ok so you did awesome but its a little fast like I think you need to slow it down like take more timeout I loved ware its going and you write pinkie and braburn
so just work and the passing
Capitalize the pronoun "I" and add in commas after dialogue if there's more to the sentence. In addition, every time a different character speaks, start a new paragraph.
Even though I'm sure that you don't need this, I'll give examples.
-Rarity, from darkshadow051's great story, "New Discoveries"
-Alula from a story I'm working on
-My imagination
Other than these basic errors, your pacing was a bit fast. But it wasn't bad.
Okay looks abit rushed and need help on the grammer but i give anything with Pinkie Pie and Braeburn couple in it a chance
I love this pairing, but your formatting and grammar are, quite frankly, atrocious. Nice effort though.
My suggestion to you? Get a proof-reader.
1877416Thanks. I'll edit it And thanks for reading it
1879004>>1877679>>1877297Thanks for reading it. I'll edit it and try to do better in the future.
1879411
No problem!
There are some really good romances in this fandom. You can read any one of them get inspiration for your plotline, should you need it.
Improved, but I have a new set of concerns.
You didn't add commas after dialogue. (Did you ignore my awesome example earlier?
)
The letter that Big Mac wrote to Braeburn should be italicized.
Also, some apostrophe errors in there.
Examples
-Pina Colada from my Alula story
-A letter from my imagination
Keep in mind that bold, underline, or any other format like those doesn't work as well for letters as italicizing.
Instead of:
Consider:
There are many different instances in which you change from apostrophe to no apostrophe, but I'll list the main uses of the apostrophe.
1. Posessive Noun (Braeburn's, Pinkie Pie's, Twilight's, Apples' for the Apple Family)
2. Contractions (It's for 'it is,' don't for 'do not')
The others have slipped my mind at the moment, but you'll find a list at the School for New Writers along with other lectures about other slip-ups in storytelling, grammar, or the like. As a matter of fact, everything we're picking on you about has a lecture there. I'm sure you could use it.
Aside from that, your pacing is getting a bit better.
Also read the 'there, they're and their' lecture on SFNW. It'll help.
18807Thanks again.
I edited it again and i hope it's good now.
Not bad, a little fast for my tastes though.
Not bad for your first fan fic but might wanna get a proof reader/editer for your work i hope you continue the story
I would like to welcome this fic to the PinkieBurn group.
Why would Pinkie have a crush on Braeburn? Aren't they from the same family? I'm asking this because Braeburn is a member of the Apple family, & Pinkie Pie & Applejack are cousins, according to the 9th episode of season 4.
5052451 actually, the episode wasn't fully explored, so it could be false.
Also, everyone has their own canon, which allows for more freedom.
5100426 So that means Pinkie could be with Cheese Sandwich. However, on DeviantArt, people are shipping him with Coco Pommel, a pony from the 8TH episode of Season 4. 8 is Rarity Takes Manehattan, & 9 is Pinkie Apple Pie. I hame more stuff to talk about with you, but we won't let that get in the way of your work.
5101906 people already shipping Pinkie with Cheese.
I have my own head canon, with Braeburn and Pinkie are not related.
Calm Wind has his own head canon.
Fiction means we don't stick with the show.
5102018 This fanfiction began BEFORE Season 4, so it can't blend in with the present day, but you keep doing what you're doing, people are getting angry at you for not making anymore chapters.
5102907 not fully. Just somewhat impatient on different stories.
5102922 I don't care about this story, but I'm speaking for others who are becoming impatient.
5103632 I'm one.
AND ME!
DARN IT, PINKIE!
5103642 And Braeburn?
5107603 yeah, but at least he doesn't go around breaking fourth walls.
Somepony say my name?
Never mind.
5107734 Anybody & anypony else?
5108077 Hopefully, no.
Hello Darth.
Who are they? Well, at least nobody & nopony else is coming in on this.