• Member Since 10th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Aug 31st, 2017

Wan-wanniche


Reading is easy. Understanding can be difficult.

E

Tavi is not from around Equestria. But neither is he in a new form. Not much has changed on the surface of things. Sure, he's always been a dragon. But why the... modifications? On a quest for answers, he follows his instincts almost directly to Twilight and the gang. Obviously, Hi-jinks ensue, and new truth's abound, but what is he going to do about that dreadfully inconvenient suspicion niggling in the back of his head?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 9 )

I don't understand the need for the biology exposition at the very beginning of the story.

I like the way the main character/narrator speaks, seems like a stately sort of chap. Would he be free to nip at a spot of tea? Pity I don't drink tea. :rainbowwild:

Well, the idea is that the narrator at that particular moment is Tavi, and he happens to be a bit... long winded. And prone to tangents. I was also hoping to provide a bit of useful background, but I'm afraid it went a bit long. But I don't want to cut it, because I already cut it down a lot, and it won't quite work as well if I rip it out completely (which I thought about).
So I happen to be in a bit of a pickle with that.
any suggestions?

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors

Grammar (out of 10): 7. There were some minor errors (things like to/too, spelling, etc), but nothing so big it distracted from the story.

Pros: You have a very pleasant writing style. It reminds me of Jim Butcher's Dresden files in places.
Well thought out practical magic with its own restrictions/limitations
Main character OC who manages to be mythical and unique but not excessively mary-sueish

Cons: The whole rambling narrator thing only works sometimes
A few of the canon characters felt a bit out of character
Honestly can't see an obvious third :-p.

Notes: I really like the feel of your story. Like I said above, it's very Dresden, one of my favorite novel series. That said, the attempts at making the narrator rambling get really tiring at the very beginning.

To explain what has really happened, I suppose a bit of explanation is in order.... Long story short... Perhaps I should explain.... Perhaps I'm dancing around too much. I'll make it simple... To make a long story short... A much shortened explanation...

Those were all from the first 7 paragraphs, and they weren't particularly long paragraphs :-p. I liked almost everything else in those paragraphs, mind you, but all of that filler really clutters them up.

Some people would say that the whole 'super powerful, only rivaled by one other' is a bit mary-sueish, but I honestly don't find it coming off that way. Perhaps its the Dresden analogies; like Dresden, he has a ton of power and yet doesn't throw it around so it isn't in the reader's face.

Spike and RD came off a wee bit out of character. While Spike does have canonical issues with greed and jealousy, you kind of turned it to 11. Same thing with Dash and aggression.

Overall, a delightful read; I hope you keep writing! I want to see where this goes =D.

Thanks for the fic. When you have a moment, please review mine: The Ballad of Jack and Sylvia: an Equestrian Odyssey

Thank you, Venter. As it happens, I am also a fan of Jim Butcher, though I wasn't particularly trying to emulate his style in this story. I'll look at those first seven paragraphs again and see what floats to the surface.
About Spike and RD. I was worried about Dash sounding a bit out of character, so I'll go rewrite that bit. Spike is a big part of this story, and I might have turned up the Greed thing just a bit much. On the other hand, Tavi is an older dragon who basically appeared out of nowhere and entered Spikes territory. Considering how Spike stumbled onto Greed Growth at what I think is a relatively early age, I figured he might be a bit more attuned to what usually wouldn't happen until he was much older.
Still, I didn't want him to come off too greedy, so I'll take a good look at it.
Thanks for the review!

Aha! Try the new revised chapters on for size!

BhangBhang? Is someone quoting Discworld?

2138483 Alas, you have caught me, to my shame. I couldn't think of a good name for a jungle, so I shortened BhangBhangduc to just BhangBhang.

I quite like this opening. In most stories we get a little bit of the main characters backstory before we head to Equestria & whatever change of form is in store, but this chap appears to be quite refined, already familiar with magic & already has a draconic form, so we're already starting out from a different & quite intriguing place.

It's amazing how much I know you and I are alike. I too have a draconic form. Relatively speaking. And I also know a lot about dragons.

Login or register to comment