Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash get tickets to the performance of the new rock band D.S.S that's been taking Equestria by storm. How could they have known that they would meet some pretty interesting ponies, and what would happen next? Out ponies experience everything from singing clowns to the Bells of Canterlot and everything in between. How do two ponies go from fan and the bring-along, to lovers of major artists and to make everything that much more crazy, a night guard captain is hot on their heels!!
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are in for an exciting, passion-filled adventure across Equestria... and you get to come along for the ride!
Chapters (1)
Not bad. you might want to fix up a few grammatical mistakes. Also, my OC isn't actually Emerald, he's white with a greeney-blonde mane and has amber eyes. The hood's fine though. Also his personality doesn't quite suit him. You almost have it. Try for a sort of detached judgemental personality with a hint of sarcasm every now and then. lol
2292589 There we are fixed and adjusted.....now bend over for making me work.
My character! He almost acts like me! in real life!!! im actually that hyper when im really really happy :3 perfect i love it. The descripition of my character is also another cool thing! :D and im not fragile! Hmph~ (refering to glass slipper context) im just "inexperienced' ...that still came out wrong...Im just!!...you know what never mind..
2292719 now the link to my profile page says 'white with a greeney-blonde mane' you might want to put 'stallion' after 'white'.
also: 'With the cloak he was wearing and the way he walked towards me, slow and deliberate,' I believe the story is in third-person?
But you got my personality down, lol. And that's what's most important.
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Don't think I don't know where you got that title from
2295467 I have no idea what you mean.
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DAT AVATAR THO
2295753 well, finding stimulating pictures is my cutie mark.
Hello, 2295826. My special talent is proofreading stories. I'm here to proofread yours.
*Debesh slaps Sweetapplejacker with a dictionary.*
And you have no damn excuse in the world for writing this mutilation of the English language.
Imagine you own a restaurant, and you want to hire a new dishwasher. You get three applications, and ask all three of those people to come in for an interview.
The first applicant is an average-looking teenaged girl in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair in a ponytail. The second is a man in his early twenties in a dress shirt; his hair is well-combed and his clothes pristine. The third is an obese man in a grease-stained tank top and torn jeans; he hasn't shaved in weeks and smells like he hasn't showered much in that time either. Even if you find out that only the obese man has any college education or previous work experience, the first impression that you got will alter your perception of him pretty much beyond his ability to change it, at least during the span of the interview.
Having a bad description is like showing up to work looking like a slob. People will not give your story a second look unless they are drawn in by your description, and if you look and smell like a hobo then you won't be getting that job, will you?
Just as there are two general parts to having a good interview, there are two general parts to a good description. The first is that you have to look good; your grammar has to be perfect, because if there are errors in your description, gods know what your story will be like. I'll get to that in a second; the second part is that you have to have an appealing background. If your readers like what they see, then they'll come and take a deeper look. You have to dress it up to look as good as possible, just as you scrape together every reference and every 'volunteer experience' for your job resume. Getting a good resume takes a lot of time, so for the moment we'll work on your personal hygiene.
Using slang and acronyms instead of full words is a bad idea. Fully spell out words; it makes your story look more professional.
This is an awkward sentence; you should have the name of the band next to the text relevant to it, instead of squeezed in at the end. Also, last time I checked you get tickets to performances, not the bands themselves. Your best option would be:
Also, 'thats' needs an apostrophe, making it 'that's.' The apostrophe signifies that the word is really a combination of two words, 'that has.'
This is a question; questions need question marks at the end to signify that they're questions. You also need a comma between 'ponies' and 'and.'
This isn't a full sentence; you need a main clause to make it worthy of its own punctuation mark. Essentially, a full sentence needs both a subject and a verb; without those, you don't have anything. Replacing 'From' with 'Our ponies experience,' for example, would do nicely.
Also, unless 'Singing' is a proper noun, don't capitalize it.
Remember how I was talking about a way to grab the attention of readers earlier? A simple question at the end won't be enough to cut it; it may even come across as a half-assed effort instead, which is even worse than an ineffective hook.
How does
'Does' is the singular form of 'do,' which means you only use it if you're referring to one subject. In this case, you are referring to a group, so you should use the plural 'do' instead.
Spell out numbers. It looks more professional. Also, the wording is confusing; perhaps you should rephrase it to 'a fan and hanger-on' or somesuch.
This bit here makes the sentence too long to work cohesively, so we're going to split it off into its own sentence and to the good old comma-and-and trick to fuse them together.
All in all, your !!description!! turns out like this:
Still doesn't feel quite right... there should probably be one more sentence on the end to wrap everything up nicely.
It's hardly perfect, but that should serve well enough. Now, on to...
Well, damn. That took a while. Let me finish the review by pointing out that 'Gifts & Bar's' should be 'Gifts and Bars.' You know the drill, professionalism grammar blah blah blah.
All in all, this is absolutely horrible. I haven't even gotten to the description yet, but I've spent more time correcting your description than I sometimes spend on entire stories. As a native English speaker, this is disgusting; I've met people from Austria that can type far better English than you can (although in hindsight this isn't that surprising; German is pretty similar to English grammatically, iirc...). If you want any readers at all to enjoy your story (and you probably do, otherwise you wouldn't have put it here) then you need to clean your shit up.
If you want, I can spend some time proofreading the actual story later ;p
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Proofreader and Editor
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PLEASE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!!
Thank you for taking the time and telling me these things, I really appreciate that you had the balls to actually pointing out the errors rather then just hate me for making them.
It's what I do, 2301029. Thanks for not hating on me for being an abrasive ass ;p
I can't promise to be timely, but I'll certainly start hacking away at it.