Gifts & Bar's
Chapter One: Gifts & Bar's
By Sweetapplejacker
------------------------------------------------
Winter was a soon forgotten memory for the ponies of Ponyville, Thanks to the warm, soothing northern winds that the PWC (Ponyville Weather Committee) had manipulated and manoeuvred for the last couple of days, probably as an apology for the particularly harsh winter that had hit Equestria. It filled the whole town with air that felt like a warm bath. It explained why so many of the pony's of ponyville were outside, lazing about in the Celestia's gentle embrace or sleeping in the shade of the trees that gently rocked, their rustling like a lullaby to the pony's. Even hard-working ponies like the Apple family were taking it easy today, they still were bucking their apples but there was a sense of aloof-ness that was very rare to them. Nopony really wanted to do anything but relax.
It was on said day that if anypony wanted to or had the will power to look up above the rooftops, or listen to the sound of flapping wings they might have seen two pegusi flying with boxes attached to them body's, but alas they didn't so they will miss out on being part of the story. You on the other hoof, Have noticed them, so i'll let you follow along with the story that these two start. But to do that, i'll have to go back a week. See you in a bit from now. Bye. So now that yo-
A week ago.
"I really appreciate you taking the time to help me with these delivery's Fluttershy, It's going to be nice to talk to somepony while we fly, usually I have to talk to myself to stop the boredom."
Ditzy-Doo was moving yipping puppies into a big, cardboard box, trying to keep her wall-eyes focused on the yellow peguses that was loading meowing kittens into another cardboard box, her eyes were full of warmth as she watched the little kitty-cats play with her light-pink hair.
"Oh no, it's okay. I have been meaning to see Miss Paws soon anyway. Oh, not that I'm using you Ditzy. I would have helped you anyway, Oh not because I don't think you can do your job, it's just tha-"
Fluttershy stopped when she heard the blonde pony's small laughter and blushed a little bit. She soon softly joined in as they loaded the last of the animals into their boxes. Fluttershy helped Ditzy tie her knot around her hooves, not because she didn't trust the mail pony, but because it was easier to carry a heavier load this way. After Ditzy tied the ropes to her hooves the pair took to the warm sky. As they flew they made small talk about how each others life's were going. Not many ponies knew but Fluttershy and Ditzy were really close, they had live near each other as foals and when they realised they lived in the same town, they kept in regular contact. Apparently Ditzy was being courted by some brown colt that went on and on about how he hates pears. This made Fluttershy laugh while Ditzy blushed and got a far-away look in her eyes. Sparkler, Ditzy's little sister, had just left to visit their father in Brismane, he ran a brewery that was becoming a hit after creating something called "Buck Daniels" or something like that. Who would have thought a Unicorn from Australia would woo a peguses from Cloudsdale. Ditzy then mentioned something that they haven't talked about in ages; her brother.
Tumble was Ditzy's older brother by two years and was a peguses like her and their mum, He seemed like a very loud and cocky kind of guy, The typical smart-donkey to ponies, getting into fights with other colts and then making friends with them, but fluttershy knew him to be a brave, trustworthy pony who maybe loved playing practical jokes, but was always sweet towards her. He has a yellow-orange coat and a scarlet mane but what always amazed Fluttershy was that his eyes were two different colours, One a dark green and the other a light blue. He had got his cutie mark just a couple of months before she did. It was of a of a firework surrounded by sparkles, he had got it when he realised how good he was with pyrotechnics and with a little sparkle, he could use them to make wonder in they eyes of all. But when their mum died in child birth to Dinky, he was heart broken. His spirit was gone. He had lost his sparkle. He had moved to Canterlot years ago and Ditzy hadn't heard a lot from him, but apparently in the last six months he was writing more, saying that he was getting it together and that he was now working and doing something he loves and was happy.
Fluttershy was happy to hear this, she had been worried that he'd never get past it. They arrived at the park to see ponys and animals all around getting ready for the Animal Parade that Miss Paws was hosting for ponys that didn't have pets to see what was available and also to raise money to fix the veterinary clinic. The clinic had been under-paid and understaffed, so it was difficult for the place to be kept open and working. The most attention it had ever gotten was when Twilight Sparkle had brought Spike to it and there was nothing they could do in the end. So when Miss Paws had asked Ditzy for some help with setting the animal up to be ready, she immediately asked Fluttershy to come along. Fluttershy at first was hesitant and scared at going to a parade and all the attention, but that quickly vanished when she realised it was a animal parade.
"Okay litte ones. The ride is over, time to come out."
The puppies and kittens all made noises of mock sadness and cuddled up to Fluttershy, who smiled and nuzzled the animals.
"Now, now, The parade is going to be even more fun than the ride over here, and you might even get somponys attention and get adopted. That would be wounderful right?"
The animals all seemed to perk up and excitedly hop out and willing move over to Fluttershys directions.
Thanks to fluttershy, and surprisingly Rainbow Dash who happen to be flying past and stopped to see what was going on and why they were interupting her much prepared for nap, the Parade went swimmingly. The ponys that were outside, to say ALL of them, arrived and quite a far number of animals now have owners. Something that had almost made Fluttershy cry with happiness. Sadly there were those that still didn't have an owner, something that DID make Fluttershy cry, and strangly the rest were soon adopted, Who knows how but they were.
As Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were talking as they packed up, Ditzy walked up to them with a happy, yet smug grin on her face and what looked like a letter in her mouth.
"Ain'ow. Flttrs'y!!"
Rainbow rolled her eyes and took the letter out of the grey mares mouth allowing her to speak.
"I've got your reward for helping us today."
She handed the letter to Fluttershy who opened it up, while Rainbow had started flying around, doing loops and tumbles with a lazy air to it. The yellow mare pulled out two black pieces of paper with silver writing on it. She began to read out loud what it read.
VIP Ticket
Sweetie Jack & Friends presents:
D.S.S
Friday the 24th ONLY!!
Follow the bells of Canterlot to meet you're guide.
Show Starts at 7Pm
Seat No. H377
I'll See you there my little Ponies of Anarchy and Shadows, May your mask hide you forever.
"Um, It's really okay Ditzy, you don't have to give me these, I mean, not that I don't want them, I just think that these are a little expensive for you to give me, NOT that I think you poor or anything, I mean i'm sure you make enou-"
Fluttershy cut off when she was almost crashed tackled by a rainbow blur that snatched a ticket and squealed with excitement.
"Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh, How did you get these Ditzy? I've been trying for AGES to find somewhere to get tickets for these stallions. Who's your contact?"
Ditzy just smiled and shrugged. Rainbow continued with her fangasm for a few more minutes before Fluttershy asked the question that was on her mind since getting the tickets.
"Whats D.S.S?"
Both Rainbow and Ditzy stopped and looked at her, one had a look of understanding and patience, the other was covered with shock and disbelief. Two guesses who is who.
"You don't know who D.s.s is? They are only the most awesome, kick-ass band that has taken Equestria by storm. They are like the wonderbolts of music. They are so amazing. They are a band of ponies that no-pony even knows who they are. They wear masks and costumes and have stage-names, it's so sweet. There is Night-mare, that's their drummer, I thinks its a mare or a really feminine stallion, she wears a doctors surgical mask and has eye war paint covering the inside of her eyes, I don't know if this is real or not, but also a stitching scar up one side. There is TerrorBite or TB, he is their DJ and sound mixer. He has like a spray-painters mask with sub-hoofers instead of oxygen openers, plus wires plugged into the side of it and then into the Dj booth AND one side of his face is metallic and he has a robot eye. He does a little bit of singing but not that much, mainly the chorus of some songs. FallenA is their lead guitarist, he wears a,....a uh....the Hannibal Lector mask with spray-paint of a, uh, smile, hehe, and he wears a hooded cloak that covered the top half of his face and his body, but I know he is a peguses because has the BIGGEST wings you have ever seen. He is one of the main singers .Their bass player is Noose, he has a rope as a scarf and a black mask with white streaks covering one eye. He does a fair amount of singing as well, but not as much as Luci4. He is the led singer and does the special effects of the shows. Now D.s.s is awesome, but Luci4 makes it twenty precent cooler, I mean he is Soooo cool, he wears a hazard suit and a smoke mask that pours out smoke while he sings. I would give anything to be able to meet them. I'd show them how dash-tastic I am.
Rainbow didn't notice that with each detail she told Fluttershy, that the yellow mare sunk deeper and deeper into her hair out of nerves, then the blue peguses let out a sigh of longing and her eyes glazed over, Fluttershy didn't really want to know what she was thinking, But Dizty frowned at Rainbow for some reason, like something she had done was annoying her. Ditzy cleared her throat drawing both of the girls attention.
"Well, those are back stage tickets, you will meet them if you decide to go."
And with that bomb-shell Ditzy excued herself saying she needed to write a letter. The pair of pegusi simply stared on with dropped jaws. You could hear a pin drop if someone decided to drop one. Both mares were silent with emotion, although those emotions were completely different. One was full of terror and dread, while the other one was full of joy and fangirl streams. Two guesses who is who.
A week into the future.
-u have seen what happened before, we now get to continue with the story into the present and future.
"Sweetie Jack!!"
A light-orange mare with long blonde hair turned from her spot on the bar stool, The Cider Spider had good seats, better then The Barn, to spot a white stallion with a greeney-blonde mane covering his eyes and the top half of his face. With the cloak he was wearing and the way he walked towards her, slow and deliberate, he looked like the Pony of Passing, but it suited him. He was still a sexy spunk. The other stallion on his left was like the polar opposite, He had a creamy whitish coat that went with his own jet black hair swimmingly, but while his companion wore the cloak of darkness, he wore a sapphire-blue hat with a yellow feather stuck into the side and a violet mask, something you wouldn't miss on gypsies and something about that devil beard attracted her. He also wore clothes that was usually peculiar but he pulled it off, He wore a purple shirt with a yellow shoulder coat with bells attacked to the ends, lavender pants that were stripped yellow again on the left side and topped with a black and blue skirt. And to bring it all together, black fore-leg length gloves on his front hooves and a pair of blue shoes with more bells on the end.
Yep they both were easily do-able in Sweetie's eyes. Something she was happy to say she had accomplished. At the same time. That was a good night.
The Pony of death sat down on her left placing his chin on his hooves in thought, while the other one hopped onto the one on her left and started spinning around.
"What are you doing here Sweetie? Trying to get another toy to play with.?"
Sweetie nuzzled the two stallions, smiling sweetly with only a hint of ,mischief.
"Actually sweethearts, I was writing about the crazy stuff that happened last week."
"Oh, cool. Are we in it, huh, are we going to make a appearance? Can I be buff? can I be rich? Oh no, wait, give me a six-teen inch pe-"
The rest of his sentace was interrupted by the Carrot-dog Sweetie had ordered but never got to eating.
"Im sticking to what actually happened sweetheart. And I like it the size it is now, like finding my own kind of glass slipper."
"Hay, what about me? I never hear you complaining about my performances."
Sweetie turned back to the now jealousy reaper, and gave him a deep kiss. When she finished she whispered into his ear;
"Don't worry, he may be my glass slipper but you are my steel tipped boot, reliable and always proves it's worth."
He smirked after that. He then turned his attention to the pages in front of Sweetie.
"So how far are you along? knowing you wrote the title, then proceeded to doodle porn on the sides."
"I know somepony that's not getting some tail anytime soon."
He just snickered and motioned for me to continue, while our other member laughed his ass off.
"I've only just begun, so while I love you company and your touches, I'm gonna be busy for a couple of days."
"AWWWWW, but SWEEEETIIEEEE, I really wanted to hang out."
".....well, I've made some head-way tonight so, I guess I can continue tomorrow."
"That's the spirit, now lets get drunk and party!!"
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Not bad. you might want to fix up a few grammatical mistakes. Also, my OC isn't actually Emerald, he's white with a greeney-blonde mane and has amber eyes. The hood's fine though. Also his personality doesn't quite suit him. You almost have it. Try for a sort of detached judgemental personality with a hint of sarcasm every now and then. lol
2292589 There we are fixed and adjusted.....now bend over for making me work.
My character! He almost acts like me! in real life!!! im actually that hyper when im really really happy :3 perfect i love it. The descripition of my character is also another cool thing! :D and im not fragile! Hmph~ (refering to glass slipper context) im just "inexperienced' ...that still came out wrong...Im just!!...you know what never mind..
2292719 now the link to my profile page says 'white with a greeney-blonde mane' you might want to put 'stallion' after 'white'.
also: 'With the cloak he was wearing and the way he walked towards me, slow and deliberate,' I believe the story is in third-person?
But you got my personality down, lol. And that's what's most important.
reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1287666826226.png
Don't think I don't know where you got that title from
2295467 I have no idea what you mean.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-iczaVk-TobI/Tn1V2A6VoUI/AAAAAAAAB-8/fZJFjY5KLjM/s400/59363+-+4th_wall_what_4th_wall+Scrunchy_Face+applejack+exploitable+liarjack+lying+screencap+scrunchy+season_two.png
DAT AVATAR THO
2295753 well, finding stimulating pictures is my cutie mark.
Hello, 2295826. My special talent is proofreading stories. I'm here to proofread yours.
*Debesh slaps Sweetapplejacker with a dictionary.*
And you have no damn excuse in the world for writing this mutilation of the English language.
Imagine you own a restaurant, and you want to hire a new dishwasher. You get three applications, and ask all three of those people to come in for an interview.
The first applicant is an average-looking teenaged girl in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair in a ponytail. The second is a man in his early twenties in a dress shirt; his hair is well-combed and his clothes pristine. The third is an obese man in a grease-stained tank top and torn jeans; he hasn't shaved in weeks and smells like he hasn't showered much in that time either. Even if you find out that only the obese man has any college education or previous work experience, the first impression that you got will alter your perception of him pretty much beyond his ability to change it, at least during the span of the interview.
Having a bad description is like showing up to work looking like a slob. People will not give your story a second look unless they are drawn in by your description, and if you look and smell like a hobo then you won't be getting that job, will you?
Just as there are two general parts to having a good interview, there are two general parts to a good description. The first is that you have to look good; your grammar has to be perfect, because if there are errors in your description, gods know what your story will be like. I'll get to that in a second; the second part is that you have to have an appealing background. If your readers like what they see, then they'll come and take a deeper look. You have to dress it up to look as good as possible, just as you scrape together every reference and every 'volunteer experience' for your job resume. Getting a good resume takes a lot of time, so for the moment we'll work on your personal hygiene.
Using slang and acronyms instead of full words is a bad idea. Fully spell out words; it makes your story look more professional.
This is an awkward sentence; you should have the name of the band next to the text relevant to it, instead of squeezed in at the end. Also, last time I checked you get tickets to performances, not the bands themselves. Your best option would be:
Also, 'thats' needs an apostrophe, making it 'that's.' The apostrophe signifies that the word is really a combination of two words, 'that has.'
This is a question; questions need question marks at the end to signify that they're questions. You also need a comma between 'ponies' and 'and.'
This isn't a full sentence; you need a main clause to make it worthy of its own punctuation mark. Essentially, a full sentence needs both a subject and a verb; without those, you don't have anything. Replacing 'From' with 'Our ponies experience,' for example, would do nicely.
Also, unless 'Singing' is a proper noun, don't capitalize it.
Remember how I was talking about a way to grab the attention of readers earlier? A simple question at the end won't be enough to cut it; it may even come across as a half-assed effort instead, which is even worse than an ineffective hook.
How does
'Does' is the singular form of 'do,' which means you only use it if you're referring to one subject. In this case, you are referring to a group, so you should use the plural 'do' instead.
Spell out numbers. It looks more professional. Also, the wording is confusing; perhaps you should rephrase it to 'a fan and hanger-on' or somesuch.
This bit here makes the sentence too long to work cohesively, so we're going to split it off into its own sentence and to the good old comma-and-and trick to fuse them together.
All in all, your !!description!! turns out like this:
Still doesn't feel quite right... there should probably be one more sentence on the end to wrap everything up nicely.
It's hardly perfect, but that should serve well enough. Now, on to...
Well, damn. That took a while. Let me finish the review by pointing out that 'Gifts & Bar's' should be 'Gifts and Bars.' You know the drill, professionalism grammar blah blah blah.
All in all, this is absolutely horrible. I haven't even gotten to the description yet, but I've spent more time correcting your description than I sometimes spend on entire stories. As a native English speaker, this is disgusting; I've met people from Austria that can type far better English than you can (although in hindsight this isn't that surprising; German is pretty similar to English grammatically, iirc...). If you want any readers at all to enjoy your story (and you probably do, otherwise you wouldn't have put it here) then you need to clean your shit up.
If you want, I can spend some time proofreading the actual story later ;p
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Proofreader and Editor
2299948 4.bp.blogspot.com/-HcnS9wVDsB8/UK-oIcXzaUI/AAAAAAAADQw/Jgemz46-0WA/s1600/Touch-the-Hem-of-His-Garment.jpg
PLEASE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!!
Thank you for taking the time and telling me these things, I really appreciate that you had the balls to actually pointing out the errors rather then just hate me for making them.
It's what I do, 2301029. Thanks for not hating on me for being an abrasive ass ;p
I can't promise to be timely, but I'll certainly start hacking away at it.