scarfs and snow

xDan

xDan #1 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · ·

If you use the main 6 tag, you keep it that way. If one character from the main 6 is more prominent than the others, you choose that character tag individually. No need to pick both.

Thorlol

Thorlol #2 · Nov 16th, 2012 · · ·

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Laddie. Since when does Angel speak?

Art Inspired

Art Inspired #3 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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No capitalization's? Oh, good lord... Lol, good luck. I wonder if I'll see Regidar in here...

bahatumay

bahatumay #4 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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i.imgur.com/uhBtk.gif

Aves Dominari

Aves Dominari #5 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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A one-sentence description with pathetic spelling? Barely 1k words?
Downvote, didn't read.

azednew

azednew #6 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1628844 The best part is that the story in that gif is a train. I hear the tracks rumbling, and the whistle blowing. The Explorers are here.

Psycho Shy

Psycho Shy #7 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Hrrrm...well, for starters, the first thing you should know is that you can't always trust spell-check. Always proof-read your work for spelling mistakes, capitalization, word confusion, and--most importantly--punctuation.
"It was snowing in Ponyville, and at Fluttershy's cottage, Angel was going to check the mail--like he usually does. But when he was about to grab the mail, he noticed a package, untouched by the snow, for Fluttershy. He picked it up, knowing it was for her, and brought it into the house. When he got in the house, he set the package on the table, and looked through the mail. When he found the one he was looking for, his face lit up. At that moment, Fluttershy walked in, and, seeing Angel's expression, asked, "Hey, Angel, what are you so excited about?"
"It's a letter from Sweetie Belle about her and me going on a date" He replied without thinking. Realizing what he said, he suddenly became tense.
"You and Sweetie going on a date, hmm?"
"Yeah, I just, um.. asked her out last week."
"Well, good luck. I know mom and dad would approve...hello, what's this?" Fluttershy asked, looking at the package."
Here's an excerpt of the beginning of your story, cleaned up with proper grammar and a few small additions. Doesn't it already look so much nicer?

Now, judging from the dialogue, I can only guess that everyone is depicted as human in this story, and that's why things are how they are--Angel talks, Rainbow has some form of plane, they're all wearing clothes. This is not heavily hinted towards enough, so I would mention it in your story's description (I, for one, didn't even read the tags).
In addition, 39 bits is way out of proportion; recall that in the episode "Putting Your Hoof Down," it's entirely possible to get a stalk of asparagus for a mere one bit. I would make that cost five bits, tops.

Truth be told, the story isn't that interesting. I can sift through it quite quickly and still get the jist of it. Try to find more ways to add detail to the story, without adding unnecessary events to make it drag on. I don't know a whole lot about ship-fics, but the simple premise is charming and can easily be salvaged. A lovely gift, from an unmarked package? I wonder who would have gotten her this...
Here's hoping you do better next time around, alright?

BlackSnowyOwl

BlackSnowyOwl #8 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Talking rabbits... O_O

bahatumay

bahatumay #9 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1628866
My first version had the train on fire.

Csquared08

Csquared08 #10 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1628844
I lurve you this much!
*stretches arms out really, really wide*

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #11 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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All big mac could look at was fluttershy the sadist he has every seen her as she opened the door further.

fluttershy the sadist

puu.sh/1qZPn

asmcint

asmcint #12 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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I tried to read this. I really did. It lasted for about two seconds...

Fluttermac
It was snowing in ponyville and at Flutter shys cottage Angel was going to check the mail like he usually does. But when he was about to grad the mail he noticed a package untouched by the snow for Fluttershy next to the mailbox, he picked it up knowing it was hers and brought it to the house. When he got in the house he set the package on the table and looked the mail, when he found the one he was looking for his face lit up, fluttershy walked in right at that moment and asked "Hay angel what are you so excited about"
"It's a letter from sweetie bell about her and me going on a date" He said with out thinking, suddenly realizing what he said he tense up
"You and sweetie bell going on a date humm?" she said with a questioning voice
"Yea I just aum.. asked her out last week." he said nervously
"Well good luck I know mom and dad would approve, what's these?" she asked looking at the box
"O that came in the mail for you today it's addressed from the apple property" After hearing that she opened the box, she found a long hand knitted yellow scarf with her initials in opposite corners.

If you cannot see what is wrong with this...

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/24904069.jpg

All jokes aside though, this is crap. Angel does not talk. It's Fluttershy, not Flutter Shy. Ponyville is a proper noun. Thus, it needs to be capitalized. That's just from what I dare to read. LEARN TO GRAMMAR!
Fluttershy is disappointed by your portrayal of her.
fim.413chan.net/art/src/130033210959-flutterRage.png
1628844
Your avatar says you regret nothing. I bet you regret reading this.

twow443

twow443 #13 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Phew! Hey there, twow443 here! I'm with TWE, but I usually run with my wolf pack. I might become the alpha wolf soon! Anyway, my current alpha said I could have some time to do this review. So, lets get started.

Fluttermac
It was snowing in ponyville and at Flutter shys cottage Angel was going to check the mail like he usually does. But when he was about to grad the mail he noticed a package untouched by the snow for Fluttershy next to the mailbox, he picked it up knowing it was hers and brought it to the house. When he got in the house he set the package on the table and looked the mail, when he found the one he was looking for his face lit up, fluttershy walked in right at that moment and asked "Hay angel what are you so excited about"

1. Oh, this is gonna hurt. First off, why did you put the ponies, (or humans?) that you're shipping as the FIRST WORD? Why did you tell us? That should be a secret, especially if Fluttershy's supposed to be looking for whoever sent her the scarf. It ruins the whole major plot of the story.

2. You might want to work on your grammar and spelling. Take this paragraph that I quoted. I'm going to re-write it for you.

It was snowing in Ponyville and at Fluttershy's cottage, Angel was going to check the mail as he usually did. When he was about to grab the mail, he noticed a package untouched from the show for Fluttershy. He picked it up, knowing it was hers and brought it to the house. When he got in the house, he set the package on the table and looked though the mail. When he found the one he was looking for, his face lit up. Fluttershy walked in at that moment and asked, "Hey Angel, what are you so excited about?"

All I did was take out a few words and capitalized so that this paragraph flows more freely. But, looking at it, I can still see a few things that could be changed. I'm going to re-write it again. This time, this is how I would write it.

It was snowing in Ponyville. At Fluttershy's cottage, Angel was going to check the mail as he usually did. He walked outside to the mailbox, he saw a package on the ground for Fluttershy. He picked it up, grabbed the rest of the mail, and returned to the house. When he was inside, he set the mail and the package for Fluttershy on the kitchen table. He started rifling though the mail, his face lighting up when he found a letter for him. Fluttershy walked in at that moment and saw Angel smiling. She asked, "Hello Angel? What are you excited about?"

Did you see what I did there? I tried to make it sound realistic. If you go back though it, I took out any unnecessary words, checked my grammar and tried to make it sound like I was in Angel's shoes, (or paws.) Make sure that when you read though a paragraph, it makes sense. Remember, you aren't the only one that's going to read this.

"It's a letter from sweetie bell about her and me going on a date" He said with out thinking, suddenly realizing what he said he tense up
"You and sweetie bell going on a date humm?" she said with a questioning voice
"Yea I just aum.. asked her out last week." he said nervously
"Well good luck I know mom and dad would approve, what's these?" she asked looking at the box
"O that came in the mail for you today it's addressed from the apple property" After hearing that she opened the box, she found a long hand knitted yellow scarf with her initials in opposite corners.

1. Ok. You remembered to start a new line every time someone else talks. GOOD.

2. I'm going to assume that everyone is human in this, including Angel? Otherwise, you better fix this.

3. Why would her mom and dad need to approve of what Angel's doing? He isn't their child.

4. If the scarf was supposed to be sent anonymously, how did Angel know who sent it? That doesn't make sense at all.

"Look angel Apple jack made me a scarf, I'm going to go thank her for the scarf, bye" after getting her shoes on and saying bye she left. She was now on her way to sweet apple anchors with her new scarf and a fluffy jacket trying to stay warm. She stopped by sugar cube corner, when she walked in she found twilight buying a dozen of her favorite blueberry cupcakes. She heard twilight saying "Mrs. cake you should relly give me the recipe for these cupcakes." Right before fluttershy saw twilight eating a cupcake that was behind the box ware she couldn't see. "Sorry twilight family secret, that will be 39 bits." Twilight got the bits out and put them on the table, after she did she grabbed the box and went to walk out when she saw fluttershy and stopped. "Hiy fluttershy nise scarf " she tried saying as she finished her cupcake.

1. I'm not going to rewrite this. Why did you stop starting a new line everytime some one else spoke?! WHYYYYY?!

I'm okay now. My wolf brother had to come bite me. Phew.

2. There is NO pacing here. She goes to Sugercube Corner, then talks to Twilight. Did nopony want to ask her where she got the scarf from? Or talk to her in general?

3. CHECK YOUR SPELLING! Please.

4. The grammar in this paragraph is wrong, just so wrong. Always capitalize a proper noun. Always capitalize the name of a place. Also, Applejack is one word.

"That will be 3 bits honey" She said with smile, fluttershy handed the bits and walked out with twilight ware there conversation continued, "So fluttershy how have you been, we haven't talked in some time have you met anyone, I heard you whet to one of these speed date things."
"Ware did you hear that?!" She asked nervously
"I saw you signing up for it at town hall will i was having a meeting with mayor mare." She said with a smile
"Well it hasn't been going as well as hoped, they ware nice but nobody stood out."
"Well i hope you have better luck, I have to go reorganize the library bye."
"Bye twilight." With that they both went there separate ways. As fluttershy continue to make a way to sweet Apple acres, she looked to the sky to see rainbow dashes vintage "Republic P-47 Thunderbolt" she was always bragging about. When she got to the gate of sweet apple acres, she saw apple jack kissing her new boyfriend Caramel both dressed in warm clothes. As she got closer she knocked on one of the trees and coughed. Apple jack heard the sounds and pulled away from Caramel, and said "O hay fluttershy you know Caramel right."
"Yes, I heard you ware dating someone." giving a small wave to Caramel, who waved back. "I just came to thank you for the scarf."
"Well that's mighty nice of you but I didn't make that I can't knit." She said before slapping Caramels slowly descending hand from her back. "It was Probably granny smith you can go and and ask her if you want."
"Thanks I am going to go thank her." She walked to the house to find granny setting on a rocker in the living room. She knocked on the door and asked "granny smith its fluttershy can I come in." The door soon opened to Big mac.

[youtube=r2xDJPc-yaM]

1. I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I have NO idea what's going on. You need to SLOW DOWN. Don't be afraid to expand on your scenes. Fluttershy can slow down and talk to her friends. She spoke to Applejack for all of twenty seconds!

2. Well, It's nice that Applejack and Caramel are dating, but I wouldn't have minded a little bit of backstory. We know nothing of their relationship. At all.

All big mac could look at was fluttershy the sadist he has every seen her as she opened the door further. He couldn't help but lean forward and hug her, she started crying hard when he did that.
"I love you too big mac." She said between the sucking in of air from crying.
And they lived happily ever after
for a week

.....dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png Not even gonna touch that.

Final grade: D-

Final advice: Re-write.

You were VERY close to getting an F, something I VERY rarely hand out. First off, don't humanize them. You aren't ready. Have them just be ponies.
Also, SLOW THE BUCK DOWN. This chapter could have easily been over two thousand words simple from having Fluttershy have conversations with her friends.
Get an editor. One that can catch your spelling and grammar errors. Because, you need it.

I really hope you take this advice. This story can work, but it just needs a little help.
Crap, my leader's howling. Gotta run.

Howling at you from here to the netherworld,
twow443, TWE's Psychotic Demon Wolf

BobtheLurker

BobtheLurker #14 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Whuh?

There's a cute story in here somewhere but it's a little hard to read through all the wutness. Sorry.

xDan

xDan #15 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1628896
Human tags...

asylum1388

asylum1388 #16 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Not a single thumbs up. That takes talent.

Kwisatz-Haderach

Kwisatz-Haderach #17 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Haven't you EVER heard of spell-check?!

Gherkin

Gherkin #18 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1629441 Rabbits are still rabbits, bro.

xDan

xDan #19 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1630412
I'm assuming Angel is also humanised.

bahatumay

bahatumay #20 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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1628978

1629058
Nope. I still regret nothing.
(liarjack.jpg)

Calirolls

Calirolls #21 · Nov 17th, 2012 · · ·

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Nope.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdcl7i1oiX1qco8o9.gif

OpossumBrony

OpossumBrony #22 · Nov 18th, 2012 · · ·

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Sweet Apple Anchors...

Applejack Sparrow?

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #23 · Nov 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by others.
1. Capitalisation is very erratic. 'I' should ALWAYS be a capital, character and place names too.
2. Character names are generally one word. Fluttershy and Applejack as examples.
3. Always start a new speaker on a new line, makes it easier to follow dialouge.
4. Don't be afraid to expand on topics - have Fluttershy talk to other ponies for more than a line or two.
5. Check place names before writing. 'Sweet Apple Anchors'? Since when have the Apples been nautical?

Dashie347