Well, I was hoping to finish leveling my WoW character today... but then Twilight Sparkle appeared on the floor next to my bed... I am 13... I have no objections to this, but still, how in god's name did a pony, who is now human, appear in my room, and why is it conveniently in my age range? Ah, life, these lemons are weird.
*looking for cover art*
before you rage at my grammar, let me tell you that I write this from a 13-year old's perspective for a reason. I myself am 13, and I want to tell you that I am not going to be happy if this story has 50 million dislikes because of that. I said I didn't want 50 million dislikes, but I guess it is for other reasons...
Chapters (1)
Your description alone made my night. I don't even know how to respond to that.
Thanks, but no. Arrogance isn't a good look on anyone.
The first thing my mind jumped to when I finished reading the description:
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1572017
Is that a portal 2 reference I see?
1572090 Oh. I thought I was being subtle. Well, how's this?
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HI I'm Stalwart, and I'm here to edit your story a bit.
first glance: okay by me now to the edits,
i think it has potential over all
i loved that Cave Johnson and Portal 2 ref. keep going!
you don't have to bold your author note ex: Well - Well
you overdid your author line which was over all not needed ex: ------ : nothing
if you are to curse (i hope in moderation), please don't censor it (in my opinion) it looks horrible in books and stuff
everything else is okay! over all a 7/10 and if its over 5 its a like!
-stalwart
1572300 No attempts at sxual referance here. just saying what would happen. Ponies sleep naked, yes? Well, I doubt she had time to change before appearing out of nowhere.
Hm. How to go about this... you know, I'll just spare you the empty praise and just tell you what's wrong with this.
First off: self-insert. That's a massive no-no. Self-insert characters never, I repeat, never work well. No matter what, you always see yourself as better than you are (if you don't, then there's something wrong with you), and as a result, self-insert characters – except when written by a very experienced and disciplined author – are as a rule unrealistically perfect. They fall perfectly into the "Mary Sue" archetype: that of a character with a flat personality, no flaws, and a seemingly maxed-out Charisma stat.
Second: bad grammar. I know you said not to rage about it, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Good grammar and spelling is like the presentation of a restaurant dish: you may have been told that it's Cordon Bleu, but if it looks like a dog's breakfast, are you really going to be that interested? Aside from general plotline and writing style, grammar is the single-most important thing to have in a story. There was a time when I would overlook bad grammar if the story had a good plot, but no longer. In my eyes, it is an inexcusable offence.
Third: Plausibility. As in, this has none. You just wake up, and here's Twilight Sparkle in your room, humanized, for no apparent reason. Then, of course, there's the issue of some random girl with no ID, birth certificate, or any kind of records (an unperson, as George Orwell would say), not to mention one under the age of consent, being adopted into a household. Adoption generally requires the consent of the foster parents/orphanage/wherever the kid came from, and is actually a very convoluted legal process.
Fourth: Censoring yourself. Why? Seriously, if you have the need to censor something as mild as "hell", don't even bother using it.
Now, I understand that this is probably your first experience with writing, and am probably wondering what you did to deserve this kind of treatment. Believe it or not, I'm being lenient. You just have to learn something: you can't put out a badly planned story that absolutely reeks of wish fulfillment and expect it to be well received.
My advice to you is simply this: if you want to learn to be a good writer, you need to read. I mean a lot. Don't just limit yourself to one genre, either. Read comedy, suspense, fantasy, SF, horror... anything and everything that piques your interest. That's what I did before I started writing, and it worked pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.
Listen, bud. I'ma give you some advice. I am thirteen myself -- beginning of the school year, in fact -- and I will tell you a secret: NEVER USE YOUR AGE AS AN EXCUSE FOR WRITING PROBLEMS. It's one thing, say, you use it to explain why you wouldn't be able to write for a while, but it's quite another when used in this instance. People are always going to judge you more harshly because of it.
Really nice work
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I'm going to give you some suggestions...
Thing the first: keep writing. Practice practice practice. You can become a good author if you're willing to accept being a bad one for a while. It's a process we ALL go through.
Thing the second: when people correct your grammar in story, go edit it to fix it as they recommend. This is practice in good grammar.
Thing the third: one of the advantages of writing is the chance to explore a perspective other than your own. Maybe re-write the story, except telling it from Twilight's perspective. This gives you an excuse to do detailed descriptions, as it would be her first time encountering many things.
Which helps with thing the fourth: you can get away with nudity in an "everyone" rating so long as you're clever with camera angles to not show it directly. Heck, Twilight might not understand why the bipeds are wearing clothing, which could set up some funny moments as she wonders why everyone is staring at her. Remember, she isn't Rarity.
I agree with Metboy, keep writing. Remember the first time you rode a bike? remember how hard it was to cycle without side wheels? well see it like that, just keep practicing and eventually you will learn it and get the hang of it. as for the story, It isn't too bad it could be alot worse ^^
1573209 I have never ridden a bike :(
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This is a joke right?.... if you're serious I'm sorry in my country we learn how to ride them when we are like 4-5 years old. Well see it as CoD or BattleField or Halo, at first you suck but later on you get better ^^
It's not so bad, I've definately read worse. Keep writing, fix the grammar a bit, and it could be a pretty good story.
1573240 I don't play those. It is like WoW then...
1573292 Well, fancy that
1573292 Do you really use that on effectively every story you read, no matter what you think of it?
1573304 Don't ruin my moment
1573304 It's used sarcastically, mostly.
1573287
Like when you first play WoW when you don't know what the various stats do, so have no idea which of the offered quest rewards is best for you, but you chose one that looks nice, and play/enjoy the game. You stumble your way along learning how to do things better. For a lot of the dungeon/raid bosses you need to learn how the fight works. Sometimes you learn the big 'don't's for fights by making mistakes, and sometimes even causing party wipes. Extending the simile, watching videos of boss battles with commentaries on what different roles do is like reading stuff by other authors.
Clearly you enjoy writing on some level, or you wouldn't have posted this story. That puts you ahead of where I was when I was 13 years old and hated writing. Keep writing, keep finding ways to improve.
Just KEEP WRITING!
Seriously, the ability to communicate clearly in text is mad useful as an adult; time you spend writing for fun is not wasted.
1572300 Agreed!
I would consider everypony in the mane 6 to be either 18 or 19, Twilight I would probably go for 18
Just Stop this story right here. Sorry but no plot. Where does it lead? And NEVER use your self in stories, base the character around you but never yourself.
Sincerely,
Rarity
Plese MOAR
that is if u dnt mind 