Tempus, the Lord of Time

Tempus, the Lord of Time, has power that rival's Celestia's, but he has been gone for some time now, and he has decided to return to Equestria, but time has not been kind. Can Twilight and her friends help this lost Alicorn from the problems of modern living? Can Celestia and Luna deal with their brother's sudden return? Can I stop making rhetorical questions that is probably answered as yes?

Unlike my other stories, I will promise to finish this, and if I don't, you have permission to smack me. Hard.

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Riften Guard

Riften Guard #1 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

I used to make OC's like you... Then someone shot me in the knee, and kicked me when I was down

Wilhelm

Wilhelm #2 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

"Lord of Time"

blog.whoviancity.com/wp-content/uploads/Time_Lord_Victorious_by_ThetaKoshei.jpg

Dead_Page

Dead_Page #3 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Tempus had enough. He had been locked in his Crystal cell for two thousand years, and he had enough. He was a light grey alicorn, with dark brown hair, and a weak sparkle in his eye, and was showing slight aging, which was uncommon for alicorns, who were immortal creations of the elements, but Tempus had good reason for this. He was the Lord of Time, the most powerful yet dangerous of element. He had been locked in his stone prison for ten thousand years, as he had been involved with the war between the Elements and the Darkness, but was one of the first elements to be captured, and now was the last one left of those imprisoned.

"I see. Celestia, sister, you have released me from a ten thousand year imprisonment.

MidnightDancer

MidnightDancer #4 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Here we go.

Tempus had enough. He had been locked in his Crystal cell for two thousand years, and he had enough. He was a light grey alicorn, with dark brown hair, and a weak sparkle in his eye, and was showing slight aging, which was uncommon for alicorns, who were immortal creations of the elements, but Tempus had good reason for this. He was the Lord of Time, the most powerful yet dangerous of element. He had been locked in his stone prison for ten thousand years, as he had been involved with the war between the Elements and the Darkness, but was one of the first elements to be captured, and now was the last one left of those imprisoned. He knew nothing of the outside world, and was tired of the wait.

You need to be consistent in your writing. Right off the bat, you can't decide how long he's been imprisoned. Inconsistencies like that turn readers off. Also, the elements are Loyalty, Kindness, Laughter, Honesty, Generosity, and Magic. I hope he's one of those or that's going to be a problem.

Also, what war? When was this? What caused it? Who led the factions, and what was their motivation?

Also, SHOW us what he looks like, don't TELL us. Does he awaken, shaking his dark hair out from in front of his face? Does his gray coat bear the marks of time: dust, dirt, scars? That's a smoother way of getting us to make a mental picture of your OC.

Before capture, Tempus was a pony who loved travel, meeting new ponies, tasting new foods, and experiencing a mighty heaping of adventure. He missed these severally, but had decided to use his time for the best, and has taken to meditating on the questions of time, but his time in this place was almost up. He heard a sound. He was unaccustomed to noise, being solitary for so long, and fell out of his meditative state. A beam of light both light yellow and dark purple shot through the rock cage, creating a large hole in the fabric of Tempus' captivity. He fell unconscious at first sight of this, because the energy it was made of had a paralyzing affect on all that laid eyes on it, and he missed the voice of a smaller alicorn, the one spewing out the purple light saying "Is this it sis? Is this the surprise you dragged me 500 thousand miles north to see?" The larger alicorn next to her, smaller than Tempus, and with a yellow aura around her horn, said "It appears that my studies turned out something-" Her voice trailed off upon viewing Tempus, and both alicorns started to appear in shock at the discovery. The yellow aura one managed to stop shaking for long enough to say to the mining pony next to her "Get him to Canterlot... He has been missed..." and then fell again into shock.

You should show, not tell. Show us that he enjoys these things, organically, during the course of the story. Don't just throw it out there. Also, five hundred thousand miles translates, roughly, to 20 times around the equator. THAT'S A REALLY LONG WAY. And that makes Equestria FUCKING HUGE.

Also, 'the yellow aura one'? That's...no. Try 'the larger of the two' 'the snow white alicorn', 'the sun goddess' etc etc.

When Tempus awoke, his old, tattered prisoner robes were gone, and he was laying on a bed in soft pajamas. He looked around the room. It appeared to be a study. A very OLD study. Dusty pieces of parchment adorned the desk near him, old maps long put of date hung on the walls, and multiple hour glasses hung from the ceiling. He got out of the bed, and found a pile of clothes with a note on top of it saying - You are now home. I would suggest that you get dressed.. Tempus put on the clothes with the help of his horn, and he began to study the room he was in. A voice called out from behind him. Tempus twisted around with speed that seemed impossible for how old he looked. The yellow aurad alicorn that had helped dig him out said "When I read the notes, I thought they meant a weapon. I never thought it would be you." Tempus, long forgetting how to talk, said with a strong but friendly voice that sounded meek "W-who are you? Where am I? I was- I was alone, for a long time... What happened?" The yellow aura alicorn tapped his horn with hers, and a surge of magic was transferred. Tempus then remembered everything from before his imprisonment, the twinkle in his eye becoming more keen, the bags under his eyes disappeared, and he understood what had happened.

Again with 'the yellow aura alicorn'. Please, switch it up, this is getting boring as hell and I'm only a couple paragraphs in.

If he was imprisoned, don't you think that he'd be guarded in the room? Additionally, I somehow doubt Celestia would just...not remember him. If he were a POW, do you REALLY think Celestia would just not notice that her brother was missing? Do you REALLY think she would just be like 'lol oh well let's go party' instead? Fuck no, Celestia would do anything to get a family member back.

Also? New speaker, new paragraph, NO EXCEPTIONS.

Celestia, the element of the sun incarnate had, along with Luna, traveled to the far north to destroy what they had expected to be a lost weapon that they had read about in ancient scrolls created by the Darkness, and what they found was him. He spoke now with more authority, but still in a friendly tone, and said "I see. Celestia, sister, you have released me from a ten thousand year imprisonment. You have me thanks, and the thanks of all of time." Celestia narrowed her eyes, punched Tempus in the shoulder softly, and said "Come on, big brother! You weren't imprisoned for that long to be formal!" Celestia then grabbed Tempus by the throat and began to hug him, and he hugged back. After the hug, which lasted a good five minutes, Tempus released, spread his mighty wings out and yelled out "It is good to be free! Cele, I have missed you so much, and Luna. I would like to talk to you both in a less cluttered area." He then looked around, seeing the mass of dusty tomes and scrolls lying on the floor. Celestia laughed and then said "Tempus, you know me! I have set up an area for us all to sit and catch up! Cadence will also come." Tempus looked amazed at the wonder of Cadence, being Love incarnate. Love was the strangest of the elements. Being it required you to be mortal, and you had to also be married at a point in your life, so that it could continue to grow with each generation.

I'm confused by your use of element in this story. Celestia controls the sun, or is the sun incarnate. She's not the element of the sun, that's just silly. Again with new speaker new paragraph. And love is an element? Of what? Not of Harmony, that's for sure. Please clarify your use of 'element' because this isn't making any sense at all.

An hour later, Tempus, Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were sitting in the royal throne room, where a platter was prepared on the long feasting table that Celestia has for those occasion where she wanted hundreds of people to eat, but only four places were set. Tempus looked hungrily over the food he was given. The royal cookbooks had been handed down over the generations, and they remembered Tempus' favorite foods. Large platters of oats from Shetland, grains from the Griffin's dessert homes of Chimera were served. Ragrossi crystals were also served, being the magical essence that kept Tempus under control on his wilder expeditions, as he was very energetic, and needed to calm down often. They all began to inform all that he had missed in ten thousand years, the border clashes with the griffons, the uncovering of the elements, and all leading up to Celestia's prized student, Twilight Sparkle. "Twilight is a wonderful student, as well as a wonderful friend to all of us." Tempus was intrigued by Celestia's descriptions about Twilight and Co.'s adventures, destroying Nightmare Moon, turning Discord back into stone, banishing Queen Chrysalis, and the recent destruction of King Sombra. "I would like to meet them," said Tempus. Celestia looked happy, and said "That would be wonderful!" Cadence and Luna both shook there heads in agreement, and Celestia got out of her chair, and they all set off for Ponyville.

I think you meant 'the Griffon's desert homes', unless you were implying that the Griffons all have houses made of sweets. Don't tell us he's energetic, show us.

Again, ten thousand or two thousand years? Be consistent.

New speaker, new paragraph.

And so they're taking this brand new alicorn that nobody has seen for either 2k or 10k years, depending on which you're going with, over to Ponyville without a second thought? Shouldn't they, dunno, give him an evaluation of both his physical and mental health? Shouldn't they make sure that captivity hasn't warped his mind? The way you wrote this shows the alicorns being extremely irresponsible and flighty.

This needs serious improvement. I'd say pull this down and rewrite from the ground up.

~MidnightDancer, the TWE's cranky mod dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png

SirRobinProductions

SirRobinProductions #5 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

1662908 Well, by elements, I mean that Celestia's control over the sun has to do with her being close to the element of the sun. I am talking about the natural elements, not the elements of harmony. Celestia forgot about him because he was lost in the war, that I mentioned as between the elements and the Darkness. I answered these two of your questions in no particular order.

SirRobinProductions

SirRobinProductions #6 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

1662771 He knows! Doctor Who might have a cameo later on, so look out for him!

MidnightDancer

MidnightDancer #7 · Nov 22nd, 2012 · · ·

1663035 But the five natural elements are earth, fire, air, water, and aether. Not sun, love, and god knows what else you've put in here.

And I stand by Celestia stopping at nothing to find her older brother.

Look, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but this really does need a lot of work. I noticed you didn't bother responding to any of my other points.

This isn't even touching the fact that, according to the show's creator (Lauren Faust), there are only two alicorns. Cadence was originally supposed to be a unicorn, and Hasbro changed it on her. So having an alicorn OC is breaking canon to begin with.

azednew