Jin15
Joined 2nd Aug, 2012 ·
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You missed the OC tag.
Indenting your paragraphs would be nice. There's a button for that
Punctuation is a tad bit off...
The mile long paragraphs are annoying as hell, and could be divided a little.
All in all, good story, and well written. No misspellings that I detect, but mistakes do pop up from time to time. Not liked nor disliked, just criticized on a few matters. Good day to the author.
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Not a bad story, in fact it's a pretty good story. But you wrote in a text wall, which is generally unappreciated. You should write like this for example you wrote:
I intended to keep pleasuring her this way until she came, but when her breathing started getting heavier I felt one of her forehooves push down on top of my head, accompanied by the quivering words "No, not yet! I... want to feel you inside me."
and it should be:
I intended to keep pleasuring her this way until she came, but when her breathing started getting heavier I felt one of her forehooves push down on top of my head, accompanied by the quivering words
"No, not yet! I... want to feel you inside me."
Those spaces make it easier to read and follow the story. Mind that and you've got yourself a very nice story.
Notbad.jpg
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NOOO!
THE WALL OF TEXT!
ITS UNCLIMBABLE!
Added to read later - Sort out the wall!
Get someone to look this over and edit accordingly. It's very wall-y.
Aside from some punctuation errors and the wall-like formatting, this was actually a good fic. Good work, "Matt"
Nicely written, perhaps a bit rushed, but a nice job.
If there were a meme that looked as surprised as I was, I would post it.
That was just incredible. You know how most are, just browsing through all the stories under 'What's Hot?' and I came across the picture of my personal favorite (not 'personal' in a sensual way, just... my favorite), and had to click on it.
First things first, the wall. It wasn't difficult to read, but I might have ended up skimming through most of the paragraphs instead of reading the whole thing. Some minor punctuation and grammatical errors around and about, but that's about it.
Now, as for the content, I feel ashamed of myself for having read it... but it was totally worth it.
Keep these things coming. Not quite sure if I'll read another clop-fic as long as I live, but you never know.
I liked it, a lot, but I must say this:
It escalated a bit quickly. One moment a bit of fore-play occurs, then you're full on fucking, not much transition.
Run-ons. Your sentences run on for miles without stopping. I know you're supposed to link two together if you can, but you were linking three or four sentences together without pause. Although, this might not be as noticeable without this next point.
SWEET MOTHER OF WALL OF TEXT! The space bar is a great tool, use it. I switch through windows a lot, so I had lost my place many times. Starting new paragraphs really helps with keeping place and giving an overall better appearance. I'll bet you half of the downrates are because people came into this story and saw a wall of text, downvoted and left without reading.
1466562
Come to the dark side.
nice job man
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1471661
Loving that profile pic. Just adorable.
cool story bro
I must say that was good.
BUT,
-The clop was great but could have been longer, it held lots of information wich you could spread out to make it longer.
-If you added a real plot and intro with this kind of clop you could have made a nice story.
-The wall of text is way to big. Use spaces
Rating: (only rating the clop) : 8.75/10
I do not enjoy twilight's character but still found myself hard for her.
twilight.
You do not understand the amount of word awesomeness it takes to make me
Although I dislike her in canon I do occasionally like her in outside stories. You have done that.
Good job.
This is well written and while it could have been longer, I was to the point and I like that. Also the 69th up vote is mine.
The human's dialog was pretty cheesy but the rest was very good.