- Member Since 22nd Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 7th, 2020
Bound_N_Clopped
A lover of ponies. Once I watched the show I fell for it. I have other interest that I'm sure no one here care about lol.
Bound_N_Clopped
Joined 22nd Aug, 2012 ·
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- pixiestickz · 1.4k words · 15 1 · 554 views
- OctaScratch · 2.2k words · 47 14 · 2.6k views
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Why the hell not? :I
WAll-O TEX
Get rid of the walls of text. That's all I'm going to say.
If you guys could suggest a point for a break I can split this into two separate chapters
Don't even care that its a wall o text tat was damn good and if i may suggest 1 more chapter the morning after. Great read keep it up.
1183948
Thank you. And you actually read my mind as to the second chapter
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
1185063 I shan't remove us from thy mind think of us as your own personal Nightmare Moon. I shall bring about ideas for storys for the next 5 years. Lol. Keep up the good work dude.
The blocky walls of text make this whole story feel unprofessional and badly written. If you want a suggestion for how to fix it, try this:
"I like to start a new line every time a new character speaks." Pokey said to Bound. He waved a hoof at his writing, demonstrating what he meant.
"What else?" Bound asked.
Pokey smiled. "Well, just use paragraphs I guess." Pokey had always thought that paragraphs were important. They split the body of text into easily-readable sections, and are visually appealing. Some stories would be unreadable without the proper formatting. This is why it's important to pay attention to your editing and presentation.
Of course, separating paragraphs is also a good way to split a descriptive section into two subjects so it avoids being too long. Pokey looked over at Bound once he had finished speaking. He smiled when he saw the young filly listening intently.
"Did you get all that?" He asked. Bound nodded.
I can't even read it.
I clicked it because I have a horrible habit of morbid curiosity when it comes to seeing fics like this. My first thought was literally "Oh Octavia and Vinyl meet in a club... again."
I wanted to see if you managed to make it believable or if it was yet another entry to file with the others. But when I clicked it I couldn't even force myself to read it. You need to fix the formatting.
If you don't know how to separate paragraphs properly, then start by making a new one every time a new person speaks. Beyond that, if you have large walls of text still where there is no speech, try to split it further. Paragraphs should both feel like their own paragraphs, in that they are along the same general line of thought, but also feel connected. You should be able to split paragraphs so that the reader feels a thought being completed so to speak, with the next paragraph leading smoothly into the next thought.
How do you do that you ask? Example time! Pinkie is sitting in her room trying to figure out the perfect kind of cupcake to make for an upcoming party. Pinkie is being... well Pinkie. Her thoughts are understandably running on into what would be very easy to mash together in one gigantic wall of text. How would you separate this?
From a writing perspective, first she's going to be thinking about what kind of a party it is. Clearly in order to pick out the perfect cupcake she must identify what kind of party it is. Then she might consider flavor, and finally what kinds of icing and toppings. If you were to write this long crazy train of thought out you could easily split the paragraphs as she moves between each thought. At the same time though, you'd also attempt to connect each paragraph back to the first in a similar way that I began the previous paragraph with a question directing to the one before it.
This method of referring back to previous paragraphs and the thoughts contained in them is especially good while going over a pony thinking to themselves. Ponies (other than Pinkie) generally follow a flow of logical thought, with one thought leading to the next. So, this means generally you want your story to do the same. If it doesn't then it disrupts our flow of logical thought as we read your story. Anything that does that is baaaad.
Also, please please please add in some believable explanation as to why Octavia went into the club. She says it herself in the beginning, she never does that type of thing. There's enough stories out there with Octavia wandering into a bar for no particular reason other than it houses Vinyl Scratch already.
Besides the formatting issues, which were addressed by previous commenters, the main problem with this fic is that it's too cliched and unbelievable. I've seen dozens of fics where Octavia and Vinyl meet in a club and they fuck; it's getting old. You didn't even add anything new to the equation.
That said, it's not an awful fic, so I won't give you a thumbs down.