Xaren is a dragon, and an old one at that. For the past 10,000 years he has slept, alone, and undisturbed, deep within a mountain. One day, that all changes. When a certain performer enters his cave, looking for the power to redeem herself, she discovers more than she was prepared for. What will the future bring to the undying one who only wants one thing; Death, sweet and final? Or will he discover that, perhaps, some things are worth living for? And will Trixie, despairing of ever being accepted, of being strong, finally realize just how powerful the blood of dragons really is?
Chapters (2)
Well your story has potential, it's just that this chapter feels really short. Other then that, I didn't notice any spelling or sentence mishaps. I'll reserve a rating for a later date, possibly after a few more chapters.
1427379Fair enough
1427491 *Walks over and hugs you*
I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer a spam bot. Now, TO READING!
Post reading.
A Secret Library! 
I like it, good start, no mistakes that I saw. And DAYM you must be a telepath because you found the quickest way to my heart
1427771Indeed.
Hmm do not disappoint has potential will track
1435301I aim to please. Next chapter will be a bit of an RE crossover. It'll be bits of Xarens mind telling Trixie of his experience. The closer she gets to the peak, the closer he gets to waking up.
Yo! EternalShadow54 here from Editors Dreamland to look at your fic!
Just a few technical things I noticed.
Part one!
Use a comma if the quote is part of a larger sentence and the sentence continues after the end of the quote. For example:
"I'm going to need some help," he said, and turned to the crowd.
This is a very common usage of quotes, especially at the beginning of a paragraph. The quote is part of a larger sentence, which continues with a "he/she said" tag. A comma is used here because the end of the quote is not the end of the sentence. Now here is a less common example:
"I'd like someone to tell me," he said, "exactly how to fix this problem."
Use a period to end a quote if it is also the end of the sentence containing it. For example:
He said, "I'll check into that."
In this example, the quote ends with a period because it is the end of the larger sentence. Now here is a more complicated example:
Big Mac muttered, "I know something is wrong." He peered deeper inside and pointed. "There it is."
And when the comma is used instead of a period for the extended part of the sentence, the word after quotation is not capitalized unless it is "I" or a name.
I know the error wasn't common, but I'm still letting you know ahead of time for future reference.
If I might suggest, could you also put her thoughts between apostrophes to help better indicate the thought from the sentence itself? The italics are good, but if put like such:
'Well,' Trixie thought to herself, 'A good thing about this storm is that I'm clean now. Granted, I'm also completely and utterly soaked, but I can fix that later.'
It comes off a bit clearer to those who might not be able to tell the italics as well.
Generally, its best to NOT to use onomatopoeia (The use of words that sound like their meaning. Like buzz or ding.) if used completely by itself as an action. Perhaps you could incorperate it into a sentence, like:
There was suddenly a click. The dragon popped outward and...
Same here. If you could incorperate it into a sentence, it would present better. Then again, this style isn't necessarily wrong, but isn't exactly viewed as correct among the more technical critics.
Now chapter two!
Well, the only thing I have about this part is the different color text. I would suggest taking it off and making the words the voice say italics or bold, or both. The different color might be hard for certain readers to read, ESPECIALLY yellow.
Now, I've gotta say. Though it's true this is the shortest story I've reviewed, it has the least mistakes from all that I've seen so far in my reviews.
Did I like the fic? Short. Very short. But you do have some aspects of grabbing the readers attention, so you have that going for you here. To make this successful however, I'm foreseeing MANY more chapters if it were to hold some type of story to it.
Would you like to see more? I'd like to know where this is going, yes.
Any advice? Personally, when I start a new paragraph, I push enter twice, just so the read material doesn't seem so much like a wall of text. In books, this style would be correct. Online, it would just be better to do so. Like I said, it's not wrong, but it'll just make the story look neater all together.
Any other mistakes? Nope. Spelling and sentence structure were good. Not much story to go on, but expected because of chapter length.
Personal score? Six. That's just personal, and my scale for stories are... WAY up there. Have a like.
~Signed, the Official Reviewer of Editors Dreamland, EternalShadow54
1783454>>1435301>>1427771>>1427379 Rewrite finished, Chapter 2 coming up sometime soon. Check it out.
I have to admit, I thought this fic died a long time ago. After reading your rewritten first chapter I have to admit, you have turned out a far superior fic the second time around. As for improving on your story, all I can really provide is moral support. Either way keep it up
2079078I need a name for Trixies father. Please Halp meh.
Makes one wonder what the view from the top is like...
2079860You like?
This is not finished, so don't worry. This will just serve as a preview for now.
Defenetley a good start. That broken horn must really hurt. Trixie must still be in shock if she only just noticed it.
THE WHAT, WHAT IS THE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, this has an interesting description, I'm in class currently but I'll definately read this. I've been in a Trixie mood of late.
The group Authors Helping Authors brought me and this review.
Name: The Last Ancestor
Grammar: 10/10 (I didn’t notice anything wrong, although I could be wrong.)
Pros:
- Interesting opening and description.
- Unique story idea. (As far as I could tell)
- It’s well written
Cons:
- The second chapter is unfinished (you said so yourself).
- I can’t think of anything else.
Notes: I like it. Keep up the good work. Although I would suggest that you don’t publish unfinished chapters; don’t delete this one and republish either.
I am willing to help coming up with a Dragon language. I’m good with that kind of stuff. Send me a PM if you want.
Also if you would like to do so, I would greatly appreciate if you could check out my story, The Lion and the Unicorn.
Yours Sincerely
- Feather Book
How about Romanian? Vlad the Impaler, AKA Dracula, was Romanian after all.
I was a little worried that this was going to be a really short chapter. As for making up a language feel free, but have you tried using other sources? Like... oh, I don't know... maybe D&D? As far as I know somewhere on the interwebs their exists complete breakdowns for languages. Like this for example:
http://draconic.twilightrealm.com/
ps: sorry! hyperlinks elude me, especially when using a mobile platform
2146801'sokay. I'll get back to work soon, I promise.
2089188>>2146801>>2091000>>2089936>>2089188Bump.
2080925Bump.
It may be arriving slowly, but better late than never. And each word is like pure gold.
Is this chapter done now? Because, it doesn’t seem like if form the last line.
Sugar lump rump? Anywho decided to give this a quick read before I trot off to bed. It may just be extreme sleep deprivation combined with 14 hour work days but I got lost somewhere between Trixie remembering her horn and what I think is a flashback (I may have re-read after I get a few hours of sleep). Either way I'm curious to get a glimpse into a day in the life of Trixie.
2161974Not quite. We've still a little ways more to go.
1783454>>1435301>>1427771Bump
2161954
Bumpity
Yev! Dova anavah Eikk Drakkspreakk!
(Yay! You used my Draconic!)
2162415
2162415>>2162218>>2162002>>2091000>>2080925It's finally done! Check it out!
2187553 It’s about time!
Just kidding, looking forward to see what’s next.
2187563
...Was this changed? I just reread the first chapter and... it feels like something's different than the last time I read it.
2239054I did indeed rewrite it, good sir. Are the changes good or bad do you think?
2239318 If you have changed the first chapter I didn’t notice any differences. But it did seem better than the first time I read it so whatever you did it was good.
If you need any more words just let me know.
2245811 Honestly, I think it could be better. But, we're the harshest critics of our own work, right?
Hello DamienSmith! I'm KarmaSentinal from Authors Helping Authors and right now I think its review time!
First off I found your story while browsing the Alternate Universe folder, which was when I noticed a picture of a dragon and the Title "The Last Ancestor". Normally its a combination of things that will attract me to a story (like the title, artwork, tags, originality,ect) so when I read the it was about Trixie wanting to disappear but instead finds her "destiny" I almost skipped over it, but the cover art and title kept me from doing just that.
I saw those two and thought of a few ideas but really wondered how does it even involve Trixie, so I stopped what I was doing and decided to give it a quick read. For the title and the cover art Ill give them a 9.5/10
Reasons being was mostly in part of the tranquil looking dragon in the art. If you would have went with one of the more aggressive looking dragons for the cover I would have likely assumed Trixie to awaken dragon blood within her and become all blood frenzied and continued browsing for other stories. The dragon works well with the title, so good job.
Grammar wise, it felt awkward (but its likely how i was reading it) so I'll say your fine. I'm used/prefer reading chapters that are 2500-6000 words so its a little weird for me to read anything with less than that. Which I did like it because I could sit down for 5 minutes and read an interesting chapter that was able to stand on its own legs, involve some characterization, motives for her choices, and have the plot moving a nice pace for such a short chapter.
Pros: Like the idea of Trixie not being a jerk (in some of stories I've read she just crazy) but honestly concerned and worried about her life, and reputation. Even adding the flashback of an event form her fillyhood of the harassment she went through (and onward) did help create likely reasons for her attitude later in life. But what helped me like it even more was you mention about the scandal of her birth and Trixie only wanting to restore her families name in the public was the piece that made it for me.
Cons Short chapters, and not enough description.Mostly my biased opinion, but using a bit more descriptive words would add a lot to the story.
Notes: Still to early in the story and already mentioned everything in the pros. All I can really say is just continue on with what your doing, since it seems you honestly have an idea where your wanting to take the story and just winging each chapter. ^_^
I'd really appreciate if you'll give my story Nox Arcana a look at, but you dont have to if you not interested. I'll be watching and faving your story.
2246328A word of warning: Updates will be extremely sporadic. The reason being that my writing style goes me writing t down in a notebook first. Add that to the fact that I'measily distracted... yeaaaah. I'll be showing a brief bit of Xarens'(The voice that Trixie heard) past in Chapter 3.
2246537
Which is all fine with me. I posted my first story in January, and even only now have 4,000 words written for the next chapter. I may write several hundred words one night and go for days without writing anything XD So its cool, ill still be waiting for it.
2246550 I've been finished withed Chapter 2 r my other "active" fic for myabe a month now. I still have yet to type it up. I'll get to it... eventually... maybe.